Anger

It all came out tonight on the way home from pictures with the cousins. The oldest started crying again and lashed out. He said he misses his brother and he's mad at the doctor. Why did he have to go to that doctor he wanted to know between tears and sobs? I'm up front, driving, trying to remain calm, trying not to cry. Trying to calm him down. It was getting dark outside if not already and I really had to focus on the road. The littlest was asleep in the car seat. Someone should put him out of business he said. I agree I said. He shouldn't be a doctor he said. I agree I said.

NOW. Let me tell you. If you are reading this and know nothing of the situation, I'm sure it would be easy for you to think, "oh this is the anger of a mother and son who lost their son/brother and they still can't properly deal with it and are lashing out wrongly at the doctor. Doctors are only human after all." Yes, it's true they are human. Of course. But we DO know things about this doctor now. He really SHOULDN'T have operated on the middlest. The anger is well placed. I can assure you. I also don't want the oldest to grow up with a chip on his shoulder, at some point he does need to deal and let it go. Right now the right thing to do is let him express it.

He came inside when we got home with an attitude. Just sat there and turned on a music channel on TV and stared at nothing. Listening to music. I'm looking at him thinking, this is the behavior of a teenager. I used to do that when I was a teenager. Trying to shut the world out. I go to him and whisper "it's ok, your brother is ok." He looks at me and asks if he misses him from Heaven. Later, he was at the computer and asked my husband that same question again.

This is our life people. We deal with it every day come rain or shine. It doesn't really go away. It hasn't faded but for a little bit. We walk this path as a family. I suppose that's how it should be.

Lucas, you are loved. Fiercely.