The Norm..

It's so easy to want to just automatically write about the pain and sadness I/we have in our lives. The challenge is in trying to break away from that mold. The challenge is in expressing the other things I have flying through my scary head. ----

There are a couple of other "blogs" that I have found I've been drawn to. I don't have a lot of extra time and don't think I just sit in front of the computer, hours on end sucked into this strange world. I don't. I don't even have that kind of time. However if I have an extra 4-5 minutes or so, I'll check them out. It's the same. It's all the same. I find reading those makes me more aware of how I might be perceived. Sort of like seeing yourself through a house of mirrors; from all angles. It's so much easier, it's the comfort zones of all comfort zones to talk about what is on the tip of our tongues, the pain that is brimming there. Not all the same pain, all for different reasons, but it's there. It's there out in the open for anyone to see, hear, and read. I don't want to be that way. I try so hard to pepper this blog with normal, happy, and reality (my pain).

What is the norm? For you? For me? ...........................

I think I'm defined by the fact that I'm a mom. That much I know. Is that good or bad? I don't know. It is what it is. Noah told me tonight after I went to hug and pick him up that, "mom even though I'm growing up, I'll still always be your little baby". Jacob absolutely looks to me for his every comfort. What could be better? I ask you...

When I think about later, when the kids are grown and it's just Ivan and I, that is exciting to me but not because the boys won't be here, because it'll be a new phase of our lives. THAT to me is exciting. BUT even more than that is raising these boys. So, the way I look at it, we have a pretty good life. Sure I could find out I have a horrible disease or some awful cancer and I might one day, you never know. I'm not denying that would knock me to my knees blah blah blah BUT even what this life has held till now; I've been pretty lucky. Even with the horrible loss of Lucas, I have to say, I've been pretty lucky.

I know I'm rambling; trying to make sense of what is running through my mind and trying to tie all this together! Is there such a disease that puts too much in your head and makes it hard to sort through ALL the time? Constantly analyzing every angle, every what if, every past decision....it exhausts me. I won't cry and complain and make this a downer blog. If my reality for the moment is a 'downer' then it is. Just know I'm always trying to do better, to do the right thing...to BE better. I am.

How's that for twisted?

Jenn