Lucas to Jacob

This exact age to the day is the same day that Lucas had his surgery. So how old Lucas was when he had that fateful surgery that we thought would fix his little heart is exactly how old Jacob is now. -----

How do I feel about that? How do I feel that on that night prior to, at exactly midnight, I fed Lucas his very last bottle? I remember that vividly. Sitting in our room, in the pitch dark, with Ivan sound asleep, waking Lucas up just to feed him so he could get the most in him he could before not 'eating' for a few days (except for IV stuff). I distinctly remember feeling like I was giving him something good. It felt perfect, feeding him, not thinking it was the last time ever, listening to Ivan breathing and holding Lucas in my arms giving him nourishment. It was calm and still but perfect. I was nervous about the next morning and a little on the edge. My whole world was about him and making sure he was ok. It was the last time I would ever feed him like that again. The very last time. I got so caught up in that in the following days, the last time he ate, didn't he need to eat again?, wasn't he hungry? I would cry and ask the doctors. I was fixated on the fact that it was getting further and further away from the last time I fed him a bottle. I had no idea that they were probably inwardly pitying me. How stupid I was to not know that he was too busy fighting for his life to worry about getting more milk. I didn't get it. And you know what? I didn't. We didn't know 1/10th of what we needed to know yet.

And now.....we have this sweet little boy Jacob here who I'd do ANYTHING for. He's proving to be a little bit of a spit fire but that's ok. His little personality is coming out and it's amazing to watch. This is the stuff of life. I feel like we have come full circle in some strange way. I can't believe we have been through the things we have but then it's all been lessons learned. --

I don't know, this is too deep for me right now. He' s on my mind heavily. Today was draining on it's own note and this has been playing on my mind in tandem with all else. I can't properly express what I'm feeling. It's best to sign off. If I keep writing, none of will make sense and it's probably bordering on that now.

Damn that surgeon..