Nothing could be truer..

God gives you what you need

Not what you want

Rejoice in what you have; it's a lot. I have lost a son. He is gone. I CANNOT ever see him on this Earth again. While we have had a third baby boy he in no way replaces our sweet Lucas. In NO way. He is a separate individual in his own right. He deserves that. He does not deserve me thinking he is Lucas' replacement. He is not that. I would give my life to have Lucas back. Sound strange? Strange let it be then because it's true. I would have gladly given it on that day and gladly give it now.

God gives you what you need
Not what you want.

I must tell myself that and continue on. For whatever reason, this is what we needed. I have to accept it and absorb it.

I think we all need to look at our lives and find the thing in it that gives us the most sadness and grief and maybe try to do the same. We might be doing a disservice to the people around us if we stand still and cannot find the strength to move ahead in a positive way. I often think I might be bringing my husband down because I cannot find the strength to talk with him about the sometimes elephant in the room (Lucas' death) but then I do try to find a way whether it be in writing to him or just some way eventually talking. I keep trying to pick up my skirt tails and move ahead. And I had a death to deal with. The death of my son. I WANTED him to live. Apparantly it was not what I needed. I can accept that, still dealing with it, but I can accept it. I even now to this day, thank God. This could get deep, people. So I'm stopping now. There are many of you who read this. I can think of several of you who have things that you are dealing with. Yesterday, someone told me I inspired them. If I inspire you, then I hope my words sink in. I am not nearly even close nearly nearly nearly the wisest person in the world. BUT I have learned some lessons, some hard ones. I am looking at you thinking, it's time to learn your own and be better for it. I say this because I care.

Jenn

--J