OK now I'm really pissed off..

I have refrained thus far. I have held back. I didn't want to ruin my (or yours) Christmas day with my rantings...

On Christmas Eve, sometime during the day, Noah announced out of the blue that our Christmas was not complete. I can assure you, Ivan and I were not talking about Lucas or anything having to do with him. This came from Noah, 100%. I bit. I took it. I said to Noah, "what do you mean?" He just looked at me and said, "My brother Lucas isn't here and this Christmas is not complete" then fell into the recliner chair face first and started bawling. I looked at Ivan and he looked at me. What to do? We rush to his side to console him. He cried for very close to 20 minutes. I kept telling him it was good to let it all out, go ahead, cry. Yes, it's sad, I'm sad too, Dad's sad too, it's just sad. There isn't much more we can say at this point. Can't sugar coat it. Can't make it all nice and pretty. Can't lie to him, it's quite obvious, Lucas is in Heaven. He asked if someone would take a nap with him (anyone who knows Noah knows that is like a one in a billion chance-he is no napper). He seemed better after the nap and I thanked him for expressing himself to us and what a good job he did (??). Who knows if I do or say the right things, for real, but it feels right. I never want him to feel he's stupid or being a sissy for letting us know if he's sad or needs/wants to cry about Lucas or ANYTHING.

Here's why I'm po'd. It affects me. If affects Ivan. Profoundly. It affects our family and we all wish he were still here, that he hadn't gotten as sick as he did after the (in my opinion) failed surgery. HOWEVER I live and breathe to protect my children. To see it affect Noah that drastically out of the blue, to see him fall to his knees, not in drama, not to get attention, just full out crying and missing him, THAT pisses me off. A 6 year old boy no less, crying like that, over missing his brother, seeing him hurt like that. Anger. To say the least. Not fair, not fun, not happy. It just takes my emotions, my anger to another heightened level. Forgive me if I hold a grudge for a long time OR FOREVER against that doctor who operated on Lucas. Really, you must simply forgive me. He in one fell swoop, changed our family forever on so many levels. So many. It's not about years, bad things in one year, hoping praying wishing for good things the next year, its' about your life. Well, that's what I think. Now to make something good of it. That my friends, that is the hard part.

I'm working on it. But don't look at my son Noah who can be off the hook sometimes and for one second think that what he has gone through hasn't affected him in one thousand ways. It has. And that pisses me off.

Jenn