Maybe you know this.
Maybe you don't.
Tomorrow is Lucas' birthday. So I just got in from getting flowers for his grave. I hardly EVER EVER EVER go out at night. It has to be for some great thing or something I have literally run out of time for at the last last second. I don't like being out at night. Don't know why. But I had to go for the flowers; alone. Didn't want to bring Jacob, plus I feel like I'm always buckling him into the carseat to go go go. Not fair to him. But I really wanted to go alone. Time away. Time to think. Time to cry. I didn't cry. I felt it coming and pushed it away. I didn't want to break down. It's feeling heavy and really really low. I know when I cry, it's gonna be bad. The longer I keep it in the box, the better. Maybe not. I don't know.
I just want them all here together. Is that too much too ask? What mother wouldn't ask it? Name me one. It's too late, it's all done. Can't change a thing. Can't go back. Can't undo the hurt. Can't fix his little heart. Can't can't can't.
His little heart was broken and we couldn't fix it. No one can fix mine either.
--J
You cook, you clean, you go to work, you nourish, you love, you scold, you are professional and yet you hang your hat on every dust particle in your home. You are a woman. Some women are Moms and some are not. You are still a woman. We are all made similarly. We are strong.
1 comment:
I love your "blog"! It's so real and honest. I really feel for you. I think you would be better off to go out at night by yourself. Face your fears and face life. Have a good cry every day or more if it makes you feel better. You can't hold the pain in forever or you will self-destruct. Let go!
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