Pain

Many of my revalations come from simple things. A simple statement. A simple observance. Something simple. I saw a woman on Oprah who is bascially grieving about the loss of her husband; he died in the 9-11 attacks. She's dealing with it in extravagant ways by spending money etc etc. In this discussion, someone said (I can't recall who), "You can't walk around pain, you have to walk through it." Really? Yes! It's true. There is NO way to avoid it. If you are in pain for some reason, whether it's grieving or the loss of a job or you are in debt or whatever it is. Just whatever it is......you can't ignore it. I can't ignore it. For me, it's having lost Lucas. Oh my God, yes. I live this life. I have had another child whom I absolutely ADORE. I am active, I go and I do. Sometimes too much. But I still carry this invisible box. It's full of pain. Some days it's heavier. We all know this. I have hashed it and re hashed it. To sickening lengths. But what a thought. I can't ignore the pain? Really? I think when I take a step back, I have tried not to ignore it. I have written my thoughts ad nauseum about how I have coped and cried and tried to stay the course. All in the name of grieving. I hate that word. HATE it. You have to be present and accountable for and you must walk through the pain. You have to feel it in order to get through it no? What a revelation. I have tried. I have made strides. I have moved forward physically by all appearances. When I wanted to curl up and scream, I usually didn't. Notice the word usually.

I know someone who didn't though. ........ My husband.

We have some trying times ahead and I'm in it with him for the long haul. I am here for you baby. All the way. The road is not fun. You dealt with it your way and I mine. But your way, well, I cannot judge you, and I won't, but my opinion is, you have a lot yet to deal with. I think you have tried to walk around it. I'll walk through it with you. You'll need a friend.

--J