Some (if not most or all) of the people I know just want me to move on. I have Jacob here now, don't I feel better about losing Lucas? Isn't it like this makes that better?
It's complicated but let me try to explain. I'll try not to be sarcastic about it. Promise. It's pretty short and sweet.
The answer is no. Well, it's yes and then, it's most definitely no. Yes, I am thrilled and proud and happy and just in awe that we have been blessed with one more child. Jacob is it. We have been granted one more good thing. Yes. Thank God, we have. No acidity there, no sarcasm, thats real.
However, does the fact that Jacob is here mean I am suddenly happy about Lucas? Well, I think that's a no brainer. I feel joy. Yes I do. It is indescribable though the sorrow and sadness I still feel. It's unfinished. His life was just whisked away. While it's the easiest thing for me to think about and thoughts fly through my brain with flowing ease, its much harder to describe in words; written or verbal. Someone just said to me something I think they meant to be supportive and loving and I know it's intent was that but the words fell on my numb ears. What do I say? Move on Jenn, move on. It'll be easier for us if you stopped worrying about Lucas, thinking about him, missing him. Aren't you ok yet?
Here is the nicest newsflash I can muster to give: No. I'm not ok yet. I don't think I ever will be. When I think again and again of how he suffered for naught for four months, just trying to live because we kept asking him to hang on, I begin to wonder, did I make him suffer more? If I had been more kind and more humane and seen much sooner that it was his time, that he really did not have the strength to overcome all he had to---had we given him permission to go with God sooner, would his suffering have been less? I have to be able to take some blame in all this. I point my finger A LOT at the surgeon. Yes. I do. Should I, his mother, have seen it all sooner?
I will never know. I hate myself for that. There is definite joy in our lives brought to us by both of our boys. Absolutely there is. The sadness is permanent. On a daily basis, I hide it well.
------J
You cook, you clean, you go to work, you nourish, you love, you scold, you are professional and yet you hang your hat on every dust particle in your home. You are a woman. Some women are Moms and some are not. You are still a woman. We are all made similarly. We are strong.
1 comment:
Poo. You will never be the same. I will never be the same and I never held him, never smelled his sweet baby boy smell, never heard his laugh. But I saw him in your arms. That was I needed to see.
I will never be "over" Derek's first few weeks of his life so sick, I will never forget seeing that big dark ugly spot on the MRI of Joseph's brain. And yes people roll their eyes and say "Well he's doing so well now" like he's cured.
Your heart will always and forever be changed. You will always want answers why him, why you, why your family.
It will be with us forever I would be mad at you if it wasnt.
But I love you cuz it is. :)
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