The three of us..

Here we are. Before the baby. With the baby but yet not quite in the fullest of ways. He's still growing inside and moving around like a tornado but not out in the big bad world yet.

We are a dynamic trio, that's for sure. We all have our ups and downs just like everyone else but there is an added edge to it all-that of the missing baby. On a brighter note, Ivan and I are amused at Noah often; he just tickles us. He's helpful at times but not at others, still figuring out the manners thing, has a great heart and really loves on me a lot. Today, when he and Ivan got home, I was out back but could hear them come in through the screen door. He announced to me that Lucas' spirit was with him and for me to come see it. I came inside and looked to see what he meant, I right away saw a prism of light but that isn't what he was talking about, he was pointing to another area where I could see nothing. He just stood there and said, "there he is". I told him to look behind him and he might be there too, and when he turned around, he saw the rainbow of light shining on the carpet and the smile on his face was irreplaceable. It's all normal to him. If someone else had witnessed that, I'm not sure what they would make of it. Ivan and I completely accept it and know it comes from a good place. In his mind, he's got this whole thing figured out. Wish it were that easy for us. He says he has two brothers and you know what? He's right. I love that he's cool with that.

We have been through some things, there's no doubt. Even with all of that, we getting ready to embrace a new child, a new sibling, new laughter and all that comes with it. Sleepless nights; bring them on. I have been craving it for oh so long. I got to hold my coworkers sweet little baby girl today. She is adorable and it revved me up for Jacob. I'm ready. Absolutely. Come what may; healthy or not, I'm ready. I think all is well and they have monitered me well but it doesn't matter. There's a lot riding on this little baby you know. It's maybe even unfair to him. I'll try to reign myself in. He'll be his own little person and I won't put any horrible expectations on him. I'm just getting a little bit more excited that our little family of three will soon be four. Take that back, it'll really be a family of five. It just so happens that one of us, is up in Heaven. He visits us enough in different ways and I know that will just continue.

Jenn