And so it goes...

Noah is growing up. It is unreal to me. The things we have all been through, the growing up both Ivan and I have done and in the meantime, we have raised this wonderful little boy.

He is so smart. I know all kids are smart. AND all parents think their kids are so smart, of course, as it should be. But I look at him, and I am just amazed. Amazed. He doesn't color perfectly, but I know he can. It's not his favorite thing and I know when not to harp (little stuff) and when to really hold his feet to the fire. If I hold them to the fire for everything, he'll feel he needs to be perfect. He's just a little boy, let him be a kid I say. Coloring outside of the lines and allowing yourself to do it, that is a wonderful thing.

Let me tell you though, Noah is exceptional in math. He is very advanced in reading. I would say without exaggerating that he reads fluently. Easily. Not just easy books, and not just easy words. He is only in Kindergarten. He constantly says to Ivan and I, "give me a math problem" and we do. Noah what is 10+7-2? He repeats it, pauses for 3-4 seconds and he spits out the right answer. Noah what is 3x5? Ok mom, that is 3 fives or 5 threes so 3x5 is 15! or any other simple multiplication.....he is on it. I can see him thinking. About lots of stuff....he wants to know what words like nonchalant mean or mom what does innocent mean? I always tell him. He will usually repeat what my definition is and then he is quiet. Tucking it away, I'm sure. His teachers very frequently are giving him and us praise. They give him extra homework every week that I think the other kids don't get to 'keep him challenged so he does not get bored'. I love that they do that and Noah absolutely eats it all up. When he acheives something, he's got this smile. It's really Ivan's smile. It's mischeivious, it's impish. I love it.

More than all that, more than the smarts with school, I love that he gets things that are emotional. He understands where his brother is. He understands I am sad about having lost Lucas. He refers to him in many ways; if he sees a butterfly, he outwardly and openly says "hey Lucas!" or he might think that Lucas is challenging him if he can't get something he'll say something to the effect of 'lucas just wants me to try harder, thanks lucas!' Our lives have been profoundly affected by having lost that sweet little boy and Noah is right there as much as he can be just sort of getting it. He usually understands that if I've disciplined him, it's for his own good. I have asked him on a few occasions, "do you understand why I turned off the television for 12 minutes?" and he will and has said, "so I will learn to do the right things not the wrong things" and he isn't upset when he says it. I'm not saying he doesn't get angry when things don't go his way--he does. No doubt. On the whole, he just gets the big stuff. It's like he's a much older kid in a little boys body. I try to remember that he is only a kid, a little one. He can't be perfect in all that he does. If we are constantly yelling at him to get it right, or do it over, it's not perfect or it's not this or that, what message would I be sending?

I don't like it when he cries. I have become accustomed to saying to him, "don't cry, you'll get a nosebleed" (which happens frequently enough for me to say it, I'm not making it up) and he will typically make himself stop. One day, I had a 'revelation' and I realized, I need to let him cry sometimes, it's human nature, he's only five, it's alright to cry. So, I have been making a concious effort to allow him to cry when it happens. It's hard. Hearing him cry really truly bothers me. Hearing a baby cry really really tears me up. Horribly. I almost can't take it. Probably comes from everything with Lucas. I'm sure it does. But the end result is, I feel the way I do. I have to force myself to change or modify my behavior for Noah. That's ok. That's more than ok.

I am proud of that little boy. He's been through a lot and I'm sure, it would be hard for one to really know it. He has rebounded nicely and progressed wonderfully. One day, I know this little boy will grow to be a wonderful man. That is the goal....

And so it goes......the cycle of life will continue won't it? I was thinking the other day, I'll be a grandmother one day and all of this that we are living will just be a memory. This little family we have, it will make for a wonderful memory and it makes me think we are so very lucky even though Lucas isn't here. I miss him so much but even the short time we had him for changed us all forever.......the person I was, I will no longer be. That person is gone. I don't think she'll ever come back. That might be half good and half bad but I have to think that at the end of the day, it's a wash.

Hugs.
Jenn