Swirling Around

The point of this "blogging" stuff is not always to make a proclamation or to make sense out of life every day but you must know, that I come here when I have stuff whirling around in my head. Whatever comes out, is just what it is. Just so you know...

The baby is moving. Rolling and lunging and flipping he is. This morning I could feel pushing in my side and also pushing way down low. I imagined it to be his arms going one way and his feet going in the other; like he was doing his 'morning stretch'. Noah does his 'morning stretch' every morning...Every day, I am reminded more and more what is going on. The miracle that is happening right inside me. It's good. BUT when I am alone, in the car, all by myself believe me it all comes out. Missing Lucas has softened but it's still very real, it's still there and it's still my reality. I'm not falling down a hill I can't get up, I'm not digressing, I'm just expressing from a mom's point of view that it still hurts Lucas isn't here anymore. It still hurts, I still get angry, I still have too much resentment. I cry too easily but really, no one knows it. I am really good at keeping up the happy face. Maybe too good. It's a trait I have come to perfect over time. Do I want anyone to see or hear me crying anymore? No. Not even my dear, sweet, husband. What to do with all this? I don't know. It literally makes me feel crazy, like I AM crazy. I can feel happiness, no doubt. Noah brings me tons of it. And I can feel how close he is to me, how much he depends on me as a mamma. Not complaining about any of that.

I just hate that we walk this path, parents who have lost a baby. I am fully aware that life is like this. We are born, we die, it's a cycle. But why Lucas? And now this sweet little boy is coming, who we will cherish like nothing we ever have, I know. He will be the glue that holds us together; tighter. So it's the cycle thing. Definitely what we have wanted, definitely we are striving to re capture the pixie dust of a baby again; they are so wonderful and bring so much hope and laughter...this means more than anything ever could to us.

Sometimes, when I think about it, it's all too big. I know we are not the only ones who miss him, I know it but I suppose we have been the most impacted by his death. So now, I look to the birth of our new son to impact our lives again, but in a more positive way. I know that it will. The big picture of it all makes me feel like I'm swirling in a lake or pond and it's hard to know on which day which side of the lake I'll get out. I've heard inspiring stories of other mothers and fathers who have lost babies and moved on with their lives, had other children, it can happen. I know that and am aware of it. So I'm reaching for that reality...with Jacob moving inside me so strongly, it's sure to happen.. right?

Maybe these are the tales that one day will make sense to me..I look to God to help me get there, there's no doubt about that. So I'll just swirl for a while, till I feel like I'm there. That sounds fine to me...