It's a Balancing Act

Gold, Gold, Gold, Who Knew Digging For Gold Could Be Such Fun?

2012-01-17T16:31:00.000-05:00

Becoming a Gold Buying Girl has been so gratifying! We help people every day who are skeptical and unsure if what we are doing is real! It is real! It is easy! It is fun! People often say to me, "How long do you think this will last? " or "All the gold must be gone by now.." I say it will last as long as it does and I think it will be a lot longer than people think. I also say that the gold is not gone, tons of people have gold they no longer wear and I don't think we've even made a dent! I am meeting new people, forming new friendships and making people's days. I do this on the side and it takes a short amount of time and all of it is super gratifying for everyone involved.

I have had so many large purchases and seen so many people have happy melt downs in front of me, I feel honored to have been the one to make them so happy. Paying out over $1000 never gets old! Paying out $200 never gets old; it doesn't matter the amount, its all unexpected cash flow to that person and that is the best part of all! It's all about the Universe baby and putting out good, positive vibes. That comes back fully to you when you give that out so I will continue to buy gold and hand out those checks! It's too much fun!

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Life, Living, Buying Gold, Laughing, and Having Fun...

2011-12-19T21:43:00.000-05:00

So much going on, lots of things I can write about, but short on time... finding out that being a Gold Buying Girl is super rewarding in many ways, finding out that if I let go of my preconceived notions of exactly what life is supposed to be, its more fun that way and finding out that I'm more relaxed than I have ever been in a long time. Do things stress me out anymore? Sure they do, but not like before. Its normal things that come up but I no longer fixate on them for long. I try to munch on it for a while then move on. I might have more time on my hands than I've had in a long time, but I'm ok with that. In fact, it's decidedly more enjoyable that way. I like that I don't have 40,000 things on my plate at once. Life is too short!!!

Buying gold from people is the most unexpected fun I never thought I'd have! Who knew? Who knew..... but I'm an open girl, open to making money for others and along the way, myself and my family. Just kind of works!

Life comes in phases and chapters and its been said that even friendships have seasons which are like chapters. Yes, that is true. We meet people, they come and go and maybe they come again, but its all for a reason, and those reasons will reveal themselves in time. -When I think of all the stuff we've been through and overcome, I think life is getting just about right now....it will never be perfect but isn't that the fun of it? I think so. I really do. What fun would there be if everything were perfect? No challenges, no hurdles to overcome, no mountains to climb? No, I like it this way.

I haven't laughed a big belly hearty laugh though in a long long time. Probably about a year now....but that will come again. I have faith. And if I didn't have that.....well, I'd be a bigger mess than I am even now today!

Faith. Abiding faith in this life that living, loving, laughing, and having fun is a choice we make. I choose not to drown in negativity, instead to rise above when I can and take life with a grain of salt and a calm smile. Well, maybe in a perfect world, it sounds good...but you know, that is the goal anyway!!!

Merry Christmas!

Our Anniversary

2011-10-24T09:48:00.000-04:00

My honey and I have an anniversary coming up; we will have been married for 17 years. Man living it with him seems like a long time, but in hearing it, sounds like we are only babies. Life is crazy. I'm glad I have him in mine or who knows where I'd be, who I'd be, or who I'd be with. Would I be happy? Sad? Stressed all the time? I'm glad it's him. Such a calming force in my life. It rubs off, you know? Excellent influence.

I want us to do something nice and romantic. Of course, I do, every bone in my body is romantic! :) I'm that kind of girl. He forgets that sometimes. I don't want to remind him because then its not the same. He can't win. Well, if he remembered on his own, he'd win. Winning!

Wonder what we'll do? 17 years... on our 20th, it WILL be something special. Somewhere destinationy.

That's what I say........................................................till death do us part...

Clean House...Only Lasts So Long

2011-10-22T21:40:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the house is cleaner because I can't take it anymore.
Sometimes its because I have too much on my mind and I feel utterly overwhelmed and its the most natural thing to do to procrastinate on the other stuff
Sometimes its because I'm avoiding..........yah, that's pretty much like the second bullet, but more direct.

Whatever the reason, its a known fact that a super clean house only lasts so long. Like, an hour. If that. Literally, I'm not even close to exaggerating that. It drives me . Nuts I tell you. Bonkers. Does no one care? Only me? If I had a daughter, would she care? Is it a boy thing? Or a they think I'm the maid thing. I personally think it's the latter. So then I go about proving it to them and leaving it looking like hell. Then after a chunk of time, while I'm spinning, spewing, and chewing on it all in my brain quietly pretending like I don't notice, shooting them all looks of you know what, I lose it and bam! I cave. In no time. What was the point? Is it just me?

Ahhhhhhh......................... if I weren't here, I wonder what this place would look like.....not like this I can tell you....

sigh...............................................

Why Ya Gotta Be So Mean?

2011-10-22T13:23:00.000-04:00

Why are some people just naturally mean? I guess they are how they were raised? Or the environment they were in at some point? Negative energy suckers. Gotta shake it off.

Forgive your enemies; nothing incenses them more.

Crazy lady in the car waving her hands wildly because she thought I was driving too slow (45 was the speed limit and I was going 50).....mean people who comment horribly on our YouTube videos....man who cut me off this morning in the parking lot killing himself to get this one spot when there was one empty one two slots down (we both had one for each car, no worries man, chill out!), people who pretend they care but secretly trying to do better than you in every situation.....

I just walk taller, pretend I don't notice and go about my business. It does get to you after awhile tough...

Gotta shake it off.

Why ya gotta be so mean? Ala Taylor Swift....

-J

Time..Like a Whisper In Your Ear....

2011-10-20T09:47:00.000-04:00

These are the days of our lives flashing by at warp speed but yet whispering in our ears quietly as it wisps by. If you don't stop and truly take a look at all that is going on, really absorb it, suddenly our kids are older and just like that, it's gone. My life has been in phases, that's normal, whose life isn't in phases? But chunked very clearly.. I want it all to mean something, to matter and to have been so worth the ride. I think it will. I am always thinking about how our boys will be as adults and then as parents. That's how I parent, teaching for the ultimate thing; giving back to our world and to be loving, kind individuals because that is how they will parent too. At least, that is the hope.

I have become of all things a gold buyer kind of part time independent consultant type thing. Nothing to fully depend on, but helps in between. It's been interesting and fun and absolutely brought me out of my shell even more. Kudos for that and to all there is a reason, time, and season. I am enjoying fully the people aspect of it and love paying folks for their old stuff because I'm telling you, in this economy, EVERYONE is hurting. I get the joy of making people's day/s. I would never ever have dreamed to be doing this one year ago but life does take us on twists and turns in the blink of an eye. That, we can all say.

I've started a new site on Facebook called The Hampton Roads Trading Post. Trying to create a venue for folks to sell/buy/trade as the aforementioned economy is spiraling and why not recycle and reuse when we can? Doing BookFair at the Elementary School again, turning into more fun and excitement than I once thought. Great for the kids at school, great to take something and make it work as a group, great to give back.

Lucas' birthday was this past Saturday. He would have been nine years old. I think in Heaven he's still a baby but part of me wonders if God doesn't let the little babies who leave our world grow up in Heaven so they can fulfill the potential they had here on Earth. So that leads me on the wondering path...what does he look like now? What is his personality, besides angelic? Suddenly, I am thinking of getting the courage to upload the video of Lucas I had made for Ivan up to YouTube to maybe preserve it. We'll see if I'm brave enough. Just thinking of that video has me in tears now as I write, so I'm not sure there is strength in me to do that. If so, I may link it here.

The boys. They are my everything. I love them so very much. Ivan is the culmination of a strong, loving, selfless, man. I cherish his presence in my life every day. Every morning I bother him (well you know) with all my dreams I had the night before, all the thoughts rambling through my brain, all the love I feel for him, everything. I do it every morning. I likely drive him insane. I don't care. I want him to know how I feel and never have a doubt. -The Oldest makes us proud and he's hilarious with his antics and humor. He barely has to apply himself but for one class at school and while that makes me proud, it also maddens me. He is phenomenal with his trumpet too. Already planning for the next Variety Show and what to sing this next March. The Littlest, he's doing very well. Math seems to be a breeze for him and he's reading above his grade level, seems to be taking it all in stride as a little first grader. It's all about whether or not he "flipped his stick" that day. Only happened twice so far this year, I'm sure there will be more "flipping" he's too impish for that not to happen. :) Both filled with utter personality and while they have their battles, I'm comforted in their friendship and love for one another even though six years apart. I know they will forever have each other and that is a fantastic feeling. As we know this big bad world sometimes has other plans for things so to see them get along fairly well and defend each other, rescue each other, play together, fight, yell, get through it, and do it all over again? Melts my heart everyday. The Oldest. The Middlest. The Littlest. I don't know who I'd be if we never had them, met them, loved them, and taught them. I really don't. So I'm thankful for them and for a lot in my life. Whether we have a house, don't have a house, have all the material things, the things I dream of, or don't have them, we have each other. It sounds so trite and so coined, but nothing could be more true. Material things, sure you can have everything but where would you put it all? At some point, a house looks overwhelming with all of it. I strive for simplicity, enjoyment, and love. At the end of the day, those things, and your belief in God are all that truly matter. Enough said.

Signed-
Thankful
Jenn

I'll take it...

2011-08-17T17:11:00.000-04:00

Someone told me they thought I was 30 today. Now THAT is a compliment I'll take. :) Given that I'm 41 and every day of it, I'll take that wonderful compliment. Try to dress nice, look put together, try to have my hair done, and always smile if I can. It matters!

Made my entire day! Yay!

:)

J

Time Heals All Wounds...

2011-08-16T19:50:00.002-04:00

Or does it? ---I suppose to some extent, yes, it does. But full hearts and full eyeballs, ready to flow forth with water....sometimes, they do not heal. They don't listen well. They have minds of their own and they do what they like. Sometimes. Yes.

You know me well. By now you know that I feel strongly when I see butterflies or even dragonflies, I think of Lucas instantly. And I firmly believe that whatever the 'griever' thinks in their heart is the real truth of it. So there you have it. I know he visits us. And we always always always say it out loud. "Hello Lucas!" It really matters not if others are nearby, or what they think. I know what my soul thinks and I pray to God that Lucas knows I am thinking of him always. I wish I were holding him now. The feeling is strong, strong. But then the wave ebbs and washes out to sea and it's alright again. By now you know that I am grateful for The Oldest. He has saved us on so many levels; time and again, even before The Littlest got here six years ago. The Oldest is strength and sanity and the reason for all. He is the driving force for everything to me. Add The Littlest and really you have quite an innumerable equation...infinity and beyond for the reasons we do what we do. The Littlest is the balance. Together they quite drive us crazy, but in the same breath, its a crazy we crave and that makes us sane. Without them, and the experience we had while Lucas struggled then died, we'd be no more. Literally. I would be gone. Gone from this world. I do believe that. I have my faith in God, and those are not just words, but there is also this knowledge in my brain that knows how ragged and fluid my soul was when we lost Lucas. I was a much more overweight wisp of a human being, hanging on a tiny thread for some understanding, some sense, some longing desire to know why we just lost our son. Asking every other minute, 'why did he die? why did he suffer? why him? why us? WHY WHY WHY?'

Now life has smoothed. It's like a satin sheet. Smooth, but at the bottom where it is folded under the mattress for stability like a fulcrum point, there are wrinkles. Those wrinkles trip me up. I fall. Cry. Hurt. Then I work really hard to move toward the top and straighten it all out again to get rid of the wrinkles. Because we have two boys who keep us very very busy. And fill our lives with love and happiness. Absolutely. Cannot and will not ever deny that. And thankfully so.

Material things? Money? The mother load of money? It almost disgusts me, it does not drive me and I am not even really that interested in it. I crave stability and simple happiness. Sure, I'm a girl, and I like to shop for little things, I wouldn't be normal if not....but I have learned in all the loss we have endured that nothing else matters and when I hear others craving the money, or the gifts, it turns me off big time. I have learned that none of it even matters one bit. I wish I could infuse that into others. But I know that I cannot. It must be learned on ones own. I cherish my boys. I cherish the experience of taking it slow and easy and taking them all in before things change and they grow up and bam, they are gone living their own lives. I am not interested in running them here and there and keeping them so busy they can't focus on it all. Lucas is gone, they are here, its a fact we live with and deal with and have now pretty much accepted. His heart condition won out, the surgeon who ruined his corrective surgery won out, and he is now in Heaven feeling much better than he likely ever did. I pray that he knows how much we wanted him to live, to get better, and how much we love him still, always, forever.......I pray he knows that I never will forget him, and that if I'm happy, it doesn't mean I have left him in the past. The guilt I still feel over that sometimes can consume me. I just don't show it...because after all, after these many years, people would worry about me if they knew what I was really fretting over...so much guilt. I feel I have let a lot of it go...and have gotten better. But the tears flowing down my face right now prove to me that its still stuck in my heart like heavy cement. So much guilt. But less so. If that makes sense. Imagine back then the amount of guilt. I have to let myself off the hook. I'm still working towards that. Work in progress...

The wounds are now scarred, but I know they are there, they only hurt intensely sometimes...but mostly I feel them all the time. Acceptance is key. I'm there with the acceptance; well, most of the way...I'm getting there.

Jenn

Growing Boys

2011-07-06T23:39:00.001-04:00

The Oldest will soon be 12. He is all of that already. He's incredibly handsome and tall and really growing up so nicely. He's musically talented and no pressure but my opinion is that he'll get a full scholarship to the school of his choice when the time comes. Maybe it's early to make that proclamation but he is ultra talented and amazes my ears almost every day with how beautifully he plays the trumpet. Following in the footsteps of his Dad. I know it makes both of us so proud. Truth is, even if he were only a quarter talented of what he is now, we'd still be very proud. Isn't it amazing how kids just gravitate to what they instinctively love and begin to fill a niche and mold in this big world? And the Littlest will likely try to follow in the footsteps of the Oldest. It's a pattern. Sort of heartwarming..but they will do what they do and we will watch and guide to help them grow. This year he got several awards; several in band (Highest Point Award Acheived, Most Outstanding Band Student, and Superior Rating in Solo and Ensemble) and one in his 6th grade class-Clipper Leadership Award. He almost made it through the entire year with straight A's in every class but for one B in English the first quarter. Very successful year even though the intense transition from 5th grade was real and tangible, easily an obstacle, but one that he overcame. --He started cutting grass last summer to earn money, save it up and be able to purchase something he set a goal for by Black Friday (the Friday after Thanksgiving) last year. He bought in iTouch with that money. This summer, he's doing the same, branched out a little and saving a bit more. Not sure what he's saving for this time, maybe just saving in general, he mentioned a Net Book or Tablet, but it's up to him. Great lessons of life.

The Littlest is awesome. He's so little..well not really..he's a tank actually...but little compared to his big brother. Full to the brim with life and enthusiasim for everything. He's athletically inclined and just plows through everything in front of him. Except bugs. A tiny fly? A little clicky clicky bug? Suddenly he's full of fear. Hmmmmmmm, reminiscent of someone else I know. He is very smart and figures things out quickly giving tons of love along the way. He's recently begun to show interest in these tiny Legos and leaving the trains behind. Oh how that breaks my heart. The trains were a sign that he was still my little "baby". No more. And to accentuate that, he's not my "baby" anymore either. He takes every opportunity to tell me that too. His heart is huge and he shows it in lots of ways. He tries to take care of his big brother. If he gets a Capri Sun or snack, he always gets an extra for the Oldest. Sweet boy. Always thinking of the Oldest. -summertime means their birthdays. Another year passing. Another year filled with pride as we reminisce over their achievements. The Littlest got a reading award this year, he reads fluently and above his grade level. He took a test for the Gifted program and only missed points needed by two. Wonder what First Grade will bring for him. Good things...regardless of the teacher, he's well equipped to be successful.

These boys give us purpose and hope. We are protective over them in all things safety BUT we have looser hands when it comes to their learning. I don't micromanage in that area and I think it has paid off. It gives them latitude to make mistakes and learn responsibility. Many times the Littlest has reminded me of something that is due and he does it before it's due. He's only five. I think the hands in but hands off approach with learning is the way to go. Not hounding, not checking every page and problem of their homework (how will they learn if I make it perfect for them?) just being in the know and involved but not up their bums about it. I pray no matter what comes they can read these words and know how intensely they were and are loved. We say "I love you" a lot in our little family. I hope they carry that with them always. I hope they know that love will conquer all-in good times or bad,that without it, life will feel shallow. With it, life feels full and meaningful. Hopefully we are teaching them that. Soon at 12 and 6, they will present funny situations, serious ones, ups and downs, silliness, and somberness. Everything in between. I'm very much looking forward all of the moments we will cherish, create, and hold close in this next year. It's going to be a BIG year! :)

Jenn

It's Been a Long Time..

2011-06-26T09:21:00.000-04:00

My last entry was in March; that blows my mind!!! So much has happened since then. Life is so different and thank God that it is. I knew I was extremely unhappy at work, much thanks to a certain individual, but did not realize how tremendously sad I was there. They wanted me to either be full time again or be done and the rest is history as my "position was eliminated" which they quickly reinstated after I left. Too much micromanaging, the company politics were so thick, the expectations for those poor teams is so unrealistic, I am so utterly thankful I'm no longer there with that negative force I worked directly with. Nothing could be more freeing than no longer being there. Just simply not being there has made me healhy again. No one seemed to care that the teams and myself were being bullied contstantly, about decisions, choices, our weight of all things, what we should eat and not eat, how someone worked out 10 times a week or not and why weren't we doing the same etc etc it got very very old. I have shed that old skin and can breathe again, looking in the mirror seeing the me that I really am, happier and mentally healthier, not laden down with that individual and her insane search for something she will never find both personally or professionally. I took on responsibility for that for way way too long. My shoulders are so much lighter!

It's summer now and the boys are growing at incredible rates. The Oldest is almost exactly as tall as me, less one inch I believe. As he approaches 7th grade, he is looking more like a young man than ever before. To say I am proud, that we are proud, that is an understatment. He finished this past year with all A's but for one lone B in English the first quarter of the year. With the exception of that, the rest of his 6th grade year was filled with straight A's. His SOL's were impressive. He took three tests, two of them were perfect scores @ 600's and the third test (English/Reading) he missed two questions, getting a 585. He had a very successful year. Additionally, this was his first year playing the Trumpet and he did very well, won a scholarship that he applied for getting free lessons with a private instructor, being awarded for several things in band this year, he wrapped up nicely and worked hard. He has gotten praise and kudos from us to the nth degree. Hard work pays off. And he's learning that by cutting grass for different folks in the neighborhood. Earning his own money and learning to save by putting it in savings vs. spending it the second he gets it. Don't think this is his favorite concept, but really, who loves that anyway? We'd all like to spend as soon as we are handed money. But that is not realistic and we'd be left with nothing, no savings if we behaved like that. The minute a rainy day comes, we're toast. So teach them now is our motto, be responsible with your money. He gets to spend a portion but the bulk goes into savings. The Oldest is growing up nicely right before our eyes.

The Littlest amazes us. He is super smart, reads like a little pro and has for a while now, athletic and swims like a fish. He can do anything he sets his mind to and he's pretty stubborn too. We love the questions he asks, it shows he is always thinking on his toes. Maturing nicely for his age, he did well in Kindergarten. His report cards always came home with all S's and postive comments. He has high expecations for himself and always was very interested in his report card, expecting those S's of himself. Too cute. I think it's good because it's setting him up to have those same kind of expecations as he gets in the higher grades. At the end of the year, on the last day he said to me, "Oh yah, I'm done with Kindergarten and going into First Grade, lviin' the dream baby!" and I about fell out of my pants. He is a hoot. The thing with him, he lives out loud, always going full force, such a strong force of a child. A ball of energy in all that he does. It amazes me each night as we do bed time routine and he is snuggling in his bed while we say our prayers, then and only then do the yawns come out, then and only then does he close his eyes. It's almost immediate; the sheet/blanket go over his little back and the prayers start and he's down for the count. While we read, when he's showering, getting jamified, he's still full force wide awake. His shutting down comes fast, it's like a switch. I marvel at him all the time. There's only one Littlest. He does is well.

As I venture into my new path with The Gold Refinery I am more than excited. I have gotten off to a fantastic start and I will strive for leadership and management which are the core of me anyway and how I'm driven. It's all a perfect blend for what I need in my life right now; time with the boys, excellent money, the things that drive me and fulfill me (leadership and management), positivity (this company THRIVES off of it and I have never felt more at peace with a decision and where I am in this world career wise), and flexibility. This is the start of something really really great. I have had several succesfful parties and am spreading how much we can help others as I go. Actually, we are both really excited for what this will bring to our family. Rome wasn't built in a day but I've made a little progress so far, so it's coming along nicely.

I will check in again soon with some wacky story which seem to make up our fun days, orjust a simple update.

-Jenn

What's For Dinner....

2011-03-30T15:42:00.003-04:00

I think I am going to start a weekly menu planner (again) and begin posting here. Something fairly simple. For people on the go who are 'ok' with cooking but don't have a true passion for it? Or the passion comes and goes in spurts? For people who have a busy hectic life who just need a spark of an idea...who might want to follow it to a T or who might let these ideas start them on another path. Sometimes, it just takes an idea.

So here we go. Since it's a Wednesday and I already have tonights really super exotic dinner planned (grilled cheese and soup) I will list dinner ideas for Thursday and Friday. I might get fancier with this. We'll see. So hold on to your hats people. Oh, and remember my URL, you'll want to come back now and again when your brain is sucked dry from the details of your day, your kids schedules have you running in circles, you just need a tiny boost, or the 'fractionest' of an idea...............................................................................

Thursday:
Chicken Parm Subs (get the Tysons breaded chicken and put it on fresh italian bread with pizza sauce and shredded mozzeralla--once created; bake till warm and gooey)
Butter Pasta (use whole wheat for a twist)
Fresh steamed brocoli (add cheese if it makes your kids happy)

Friday:
Pork Chops
Warm Cinnamon Apples
Steamed Red Potatoes
Green Beans

To be continued next week.....

Pondering the Next Thing..

2011-03-14T09:00:00.000-04:00

If we weren't in this particular financial situation, I truly think I would be taking the leap with my core dream and idea and opening my own party place for kids. I hear about people who started their business with only a few dollars and made it happen. I think I'm too practical for that. Is that just my excuse? I don't know. I don't think it is, but maybe I'm not being honest with myself. We have two boys. A house. Bills. Bills. Did I say bills? So how, with all those things in mind, can I put all of that in jeopardy?

I always advise everyone to go for it and here I am dilly dallying with my life.

-me

Part 2 of "Friends of Mine"

2011-01-31T14:30:00.002-05:00

I think it's worth it to say these things, for my own sanity if nothing else. To say it and let it go and move on. As you well know, this is my coping mechanism, writing is like my medicine for those broken things in the soul that others fret and fret with, not knowing how to let it heal or accept and move on. This helps me tremendously. I am so grateful God has given me writing as an outlet, and even more grateful that I have long discovered what is does for me and how it soothes sometimes the deep pains of life.

When someone says things to you that are meant to squash you like a bug and shut you down, particularly in front of others, it is very hurtful. When it happens over and over again, continuously, over years of time, you begin to realize that person is not healthy; not healthy themselves and certainly not healthy for you. When someone constantly questions even the very food you eat, openly in front of others, much less a group of professional peers, how you say something, or how you have come to a conclusion, how you think, you begin to realize you are being bullied. Everyone involved with this person most especially in the professional environment is absolutely being bullied. It's not healthy. It's degrading and depressing to be around this person. Makes you feel less than. But that is the power of the bully. The workplace bully. Everyone thinks it. Every single person in the room thinks it but none are brave enough to say it, for fear of their figurative heads being ripped off. You can't make a facial expression showing your feelings as right then and there, you will be questioned rudely, on the spot, in front of all, or alone, it matters not to this person. This person is so self conscious and so insecure, they are paranoid, and every movement, body language of anyone around them is immediately questioned and put on display for all to see, regardless of the meaning behind your expression.

Back in early fall this person openly questioned the fact that I "blog". Her hurtful, mean, and direct words were "Why do you blog? What for? You know they say blogging is out, right?" On the spot I knew this person never knew me at all. And cared more about what others say than what is good for her supposed friend. She clearly never knew me, or what drives me, clearly does not get who I am. I don't care what others think. If blogging is out or in or in between, I have written here for years on end because my soul NEEDS it. I didn't know what to say. Stunned. Yet I had to continue and put on the smiley face as we were on a professional trip. Pretend, pretend, pretend.

On many occasions she openly questions the food I eat, "how can you even put that in your mouth?" (referring to white bread for example) she has said. Never holding back. Or openly gagging when someone around her is eating something she does not approve of. Openly commenting on others choice of food constantly. Thinking she has the right to question me or anyone else, the right to say what we do or don't do. Always with the pretense that "she cares". Caring is accepting. She has never gotten that memo. I have NEVER EVER questioned the fact that she smokes. I have never launched a no smoking campaign as she has several times forced all of us at work to participate in weight loss campaigns. The hipocracy of it all is that many of those same folks all smoke. It's laughable. Well, no, it's hurtful, then laughable. Its hurtful because she forces every single person around her, including me, to be people we are not. It's laughable because it's so hypocritical. They are damaging their bodies just as much as someone who is overweight, if not more because it involves the lungs then the heart. All I've ever done is accept her for everything she is, but I have never been good enough. She has to fix me. She has to fix everyone around her. But she is so broken. So very broken. So she sets about fixing everyone else because she has no idea how to fix herself. It's sad really. She walks around this world doing, giving, pretending. But all the while, you better thank her in two seconds or if you don't, she calls you out on it immediately, "you don't seem very thankful for what I've just done for you" she's been known to say. Many many comments to me about who didn't thank her at all or quickly enough. All just a show. Everything is a show. -We are all constantly forced to listen to how often a day or week she works out, forced to listen to her go on and on openly and loudly to all who will listen (those who have to do that you often wonder, what they are covering up). Once she starts talking about it, everyone goes quiet. I go quiet. Take a hint. No one cares! She thinks she is a fitness coach but she never sticks to it. I think she could be that if she wanted to, but since she has made no move to do so, then why still talk about it like you ARE a fitness coach and make everyone around you miserable? Hypocritical. You can't force your supposed life style on others. ESPECIALLY in a professional setting. So astoundingly unprofessional. Unbelievable.

She recently openly, in front of a group of peers, questioned me on something very personal. With no hesitation, and she was not even the least bit sorry afterwards. She questioned me on a friendship I might or might not have had saying, "Are you still talking to her? I think you are the only one left who is still talking to her? Are you two friends? " and as per the norm, I felt very backed into a corner, knowing I was in front of a group of professional peers and not wanting to display anything personal whatsoever, I threw my hands in the air to try to neutralize the situation and she pushed once more saying, "Are you?" and I finally said (thouroughly embarrassed at this point), "I'm struggling with that" not wanting to answer and becoming angrier by the second but knowing I was being bullied and could do nothing about it. She said in answer to that, "I don't know why you would be struggling with THAT." and as I looked down at the table we were all sitting at, I was utterly humiliated, angry and done. Absolutely done. How unprofessional. How utterly absolutely unprofessional. That was the last shred of a straw that our friendship had hung on. I never said anything to her. In my mind, it was a quiet parting of the ways right at that very moment.

In that same meeting she happily called another poor individual out and cheerfully told a story about how the person wanted to go get a latte and asked if she wanted one too. She proudly told the whole room how she did not think that person needed a latte and in the end, the person ended up not getting one because of how she was made to feel about consuming it. She was openly made fun of and the whole time I thought, my God, how absolutely humiliating for her and I recognized in the person's face what I was feeling, a smile plastered on the face to cover the embarrassment. Right there in front of the whole group, no one was safe. No one is ever really safe around her, not really.

In that setting, I can never win, I can never (and have never been able to) say what I think about how she treats me and others. We are bullied constantly. And furthermore, I strongly believe that I have been a victim of weight harrassment at work. Never have I complained. I have stood and taken it all. I needed my job. I needed that income for my family. It would never be a win/win there because she has resented me and it would never have ended well.

If the others at work were questioned, by her or anyone else, they would never admit to these things, or agreeing to them because they are all SCARED. Just like I had been. Scared and need their jobs too much. Better to remain silent and just take it. I have been a passive witness for a long time and shame on me. Shame on me for not speaking up for others along the way. Shame on me for not standing up for myself after all this time.

This is a person I called friend. And to watch her hurt others time and time and time again, I still stood there, never judging. Never, not once. The same could not be said on the reverse.

The lessons of life. Sometimes they are huge, big. This one has been a doozy. It has afforded me the opportunity to take a step back and really take stock in the true friends I have. The ones who NEVER judge me, always love me for who I am, and accept me and my children for who we are, not how we look.

I have learned that she has actually openly discussed me in a personal way with people from work. She thinks they don't tell. It's funny really. Funny because people at work talk to me much more than she thinks. She has no idea. And I've never divulged that to anyone, never used that ever, against anyone. What is told to me stays with me. I can hold my head high in all of this and this lesson has been invaluable.

At one point, I was upset with myself because I let this person in my life. But now I am realizing that it all happened for a reason. I have learned so much about myself because of this. I will continue to hold my head high and that person will get whatever she does or does not deserve based on how she has treated others. That person cannot hold her head high and that is a direct result of how she treats others.

How things end are already pre written and I am perfectly wonderfully happy and content with it all. I have behaved well. That is all I can control. I will still trust others and let them into my life, but I will trust my gut instinct better next time. As the chapter and book of this friendship has ended, I have begun a new fresher one where I am healthy and happier. Not bogged down with worry over what I say or how I look. I am happy to be me and I find that confidence in myself and in God. All the other stuff, the bad stuff I have been put through, happened for a reason. It has made me a better person. I believe that with all my heart and soul.

Jenn

Friends of Mine

2011-01-14T17:14:00.002-05:00

At the age of 40, I am left wondering, what is a friend? I think I know, I mean, good gracious, everyone knows what a friend is, right? I posted something three years ago and now I have the answer to my questions, or most of them. It's sad. I'm very very sad. Maybe it was as plain as the writing on the wall. Maybe I should have followed my instincts and it cannot end well now.

This person has hurt me so many times, time and time again, yet I care for them still. Maybe I always will. Maybe it's a sad farewell to something that means a lot to me. And that is life, hello's and goodbye's. Seasons of friendships, comings and goings. I've pretty much accepted it now and I will not stoop to that level, so I hold my tongue continually and pray. We are very damaged for all we've been through and it would take a lot to repair it. I'm not certain, I'm just not certain it ever will be repaired. I can tell that there is hurt on both sides but it's quietly just done now. Probably best in the end, we can't keep this up, at least my heart can't keep it up anymore. The trust is gone and once that happens, it's time to move forward and leave everything behind.

-On the other hand, I do have some very close friends who are fabulous and I am lucky to have in my life. I will cherish those wonderful people with all I have. I count myself blessed and lucky to have them. They know who they are and I love them with all my heart. I love fully, that's how I am. I am open when I care for someone because life has taught me to be that way. So with my heart so fully out in the open, it's bound to get a nick or two, or a slice or two now and then.

To everything there is a season and just like the wind rustling in the trees as Summer fades to Fall, so has this cherished friendship done the same. I am always learning lessons in this life. In my favorite thing I love to say, 'as it should be...as it should be'.

Jenn

Freedom of Speech

2011-01-10T12:58:00.001-05:00

We are such a free nation of thinkers, aren't we? I display it here on my blog. It's displayed on the television, radio, Facebook, Twitter, to give a few examples. I myself take part in all of those, so I, along with millions and millions of other Americans get to utilize freedom of speech without many repercussions. I am thankful to have these freedoms and I know full well that there are many military personnel who protect those rights for me, for all of us, daily. It's a full circle and everything is so intrinsically connected.

Here are my thoughts on the recent tragedy in Tuscon, AZ, with the shootings of all of those innocent people. Certainly, it almost goes without saying, that the individual who shot those folks is fully to blame. He brought the gun, it seems he had it planned out and had in some sense been following Representative Gabrielle Giffords and obviously, he alone shot her and all the others, including the young nine year old girl, Christina Taylor Green. He will be tried and likely found guilty of what is obviously one of the most senseless crimes imaginable in a country such as ours, killing others irrationally, without remorse. Clearly, he is an individual who is sick, off balance, and not centered in reality.

Many in the media have raised the issue and tried to make some correlation between his rantings and actions and Sarah Palin, or others like her. While there can't and should be a direct connection between the two, it certainly raises a good point of conversation. Just because we CAN say something doesn't mean we SHOULD say something. In other words, yes, we have freedom of speech and we can express ourselves fully without legal backlash in this country, but should we as a country go to that line and have our comments, thoughts, and opinions be edgy, racy, out there, pushed to the limit every time? In this political climate and given all that this country is so divided over, shouldn't ALL politicians, Democrat, Republican, Independent, shouldn't WE all, conduct ourselves with a modicum of respect? Even if you are pitted against someone, face to face who you very strongly disagree with? If our country does not get itself together, if the media doesn't stop inciting verbal violence in an onslaught of constant instigation for every horrible thing, every tiny bad thought said by that guy and this guy and those guys, the path we are on will be a difficult one to retreat.

The guy who just created havoc on many many lives is someone who by all accounts thus far has needed help for a long time-an off center violent individual. When someone like that hears all the rhetoric from folks who throw around words and phrases like "don't retreat! reload!" or put cross hairs on their political website over certain areas of the map of the United States, maybe that sends him off the edge. Did that happen in this case? Maybe no. Maybe so. We likely will never know but I don't think it's super far fetched to generalize that the mood of this country, so ultra divided and so ultra hyped up against those that don't agree with us politically, is not helped by those type of remarks and actions. We are not nice to one another when it comes to politics. If we are in a conversation with someone who does not agree with us politically, things get tense quickly and whether it be on Facebook, email, or in person, it gets ugly quickly. Why? How can we get anywhere when we are busy thinking the other is stupid or ignorant? How can we open our minds and learn from one another if it's not done with consideration, kindness, and some level of caring when discussing really tough things? It's spirals downward so very quickly and its sad. We have to move away from this and find better ways to communicate as a country, don't you think?

This recent event from Saturday is a real eye opener. If we cannot learn from this, learn that maybe, just maybe, we can still be productive and forward thinking without all this hurtful slinging of negative rhetoric. As a country, I know that we are smarter than all of that. We have to be smarter than that don't we? We are blessed and privileged enough to live in this great country and I hope and pray we can all start behaving more nicely. Let's give the kids of today a better example and role model. It starts with us. One person at a time. We can make a difference, can't we?

I send all my love and prayers to the parents of Christina Green. They have a very difficult road ahead of them, I know that very well.

Cycles

2011-01-07T14:33:00.000-05:00

Seems I've been going through cycles over the past year/year and a half where I don't write for a long time and then I write a ton and then I go quiet again. Given how good writing makes me feel, I need to carve more time and make it happen!

Watch me this year as I make lots of other things happen. It's January and I have a fresh perspective. No one is going to do anything for me and I have only myself to look to when it's time to get it all done. So, I'm ready.

I can promise three big changes this year. THREE. As I hit each one and make it happen, I will document all of it here. Since it's a Balancing Act, I will endeavor to balance and do what I do best; MAKE IT HAPPEN.

There it is. There you have it. It will be done.

Nacho Libre

2010-12-01T08:51:00.000-05:00

You know, this movie has really altered our lives. I kid you not. We were introduced to it about a year and a half ago by my youngest sister. She had gone to Mexico for two weeks or so and came back with some stuff for the kids and us, which included those masks those high flying Mexican wrestlers wear

like this..

And oh the boys ate it up. They immediately became high flying Mexican wrestlers. We have pictures and everything. It made me laugh my big big laugh, the really loud laugh that makes everyone uncomfortable? Yep, that one. She also brought this movie for them to watch that night, Nacho Libre. Little did she (or any of us) know it would be such a hit, particularly with my boys (and me!) that she'd have to leave it here. I think they watched it no less than five times in the next 24-48 hours. Laughing at the same parts as if they'd never seen them before. Me too. At some point I realized that I'd have to buy our own copy as it was fast becoming a classic in this household and we couldn't hold hostage her movie any longer. We all began to memorize the lines of the movie, all the scenes. It was scary I think. Funny. Hilarious. But probably really scary. Scary that we all thought this silly movie was so flippin' funny. Scary that we kept watching it over and over. All four of us.

We started to You Tube the songs of the movie. Then we found other stuff where people had hilariously acted out the best scenes of this silly movie and we'd watch them and compare and laugh all over again.

"Watch this one!" "Wait, wait, watch this one! It's so funny!" and on and on it went. I don't know. I can't explain it. Maybe it's best explained in two words: Jack Black. The guy is downright hysterical. He's deadpan on the funniest moments and that alone splits my sides. Then all the funny schmack he says in this movie, oh I could quote the lines...but I won't bore you.

There's this one song, Encarnacion, that he sings. The Littlest replaces words in it left and right. And if you've never seen the movie, it won't make sense but one of the latter lines in the song says, "Then we break our vows together" (yes, makes no sense, very silly, but hence, the whole flippin' movie...) and the Littlest says every single time, "we break our jaws together" and every time he sings it that way I die. Like all over again, laughing, laughing, laughing, like I'm hearing it for the first time. Who would want to break their jaws? And break them together? It doesn't even DAWN on him that he's singing it the wrong way. Or the hilarity of words he's singing. He just sings it and thinks that's right. It cracks me up.

How close we all are can simply be measured by this silly movie. Hard to explain. We all just get it. We all happen to think it's pretty dang funny (pretty dang exciting huh?) and there you go. Nothing further need to be explained. Just one of those silly things that you 'had to be there for' in the beginning or you'd never get it or think it's as funny as we clearly falling on the floor laughing do. The guy is funny. He's pretty frickin' hilarious. I must say.

Much to Say

2010-08-20T21:46:00.001-04:00

I can't let the day pass without pouring out my heart. Tomorrow, August 21st marks seven years ago that Lucas died. Seven years ago we were in Philly, at CHOP, laying with him, talking to him, holding his hands, whispering in his ear and letting him go. Telling him it was ok, telling him it was ok to stop fighting and to go find peace. That's a pretty hard thing to have to tell your child. At the same time, it was the thing he needed to hear us say. God's gift to us in that situation was allowing us to come to that realization and not taking him before we were ready to let him go. How utterly selfish of me to think that way. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that losing Lucas was not about me, or my husband, or the Oldest, or ANY of our family. It was all about his struggle. Our aching hearts were only a result of watching him struggle and fight. Our sadness was at its height when he passed away. I was a zombie during that time. I know that I was. I remember my lowest point and could easily spew it out to you here. No point. For what? In the end we are supposed to have learned something from all of this. I suppose we have. We have learned to love harder, to try to (key word, TRY) always do the right thing, teach the right way, be more forgiving (though that took a very long time and I still work on it today), be more kind (that too was a long path, a very long and winding path) and to be a little tougher, less sensitive to the little stuff. The little things that get other people hung up, (being irriated with your spouse over something they said slightly wrong etc) we look at and its like water to us. We have lived the bigger things, and all of that is so minute, it's like small potatoes.

Having Lucas and losing him was the happy and the sad. The aftermath has been a mix of things and while it's true what they say, grief smoothes over time, gets 'easier to bear', I will never allow myself to forget that he was here, he existed, and mattered in a zillion ways others could maybe never understand. So having said all that, I look to the present, but keep my eye on the future. That is maybe what God wants us to realize. He doesn't want us to get caught up in the past, even though our hearts go there frequently, we are to live for today, live for what we can be to others in this world, and give back to make the circle complete. Maybe being caught in the past stifles the flow and kinks up the works. Maybe so.

Tomorrow I will quietly go through the day with reverance and I bet I'll see butterflys, dragonflys and the like. And I'll know. In the depths of my soul, I will know that it's him. Coming to visit and kiss my cheek. One day........but until then, I will happily live for the Oldest and Littlest. The Middlest is somewhere far better than where we are. I trust in that to my core.

Peace.

Racoons?

2010-08-14T10:39:00.000-04:00

So what animal is known to pick through trash? Be smart enough to lift a lid and not leave a big mess showing how it got in the trash can? Not wild trash thrown everywhere, simply remnants that it was there?

My honey calls me outside on the back deck and says, "How do you think these things are getting here?" I'm not sure what he's talking about and he points out a paper plate and a shish kabob stick sitting on the deck box next to the SunCast outdoors trash can. It's plain as day that there are oil stains, cake remnants, a paper plate upside down and that shish kabob stick left out beside the trash can. I immediately think 'racoon!'. So I say I think it's a raccoon and he is doubtful. But how? Well I'm pretty sure I've heard that raccoons are smart. And with their perfect tiny little arms and hands they can get to whatever they want. I can totally imagine a raccoon getting in the trash, digging down for what seems good to him and pulling it out. He's just not the perfect guest in that he leaves his trash behind and doesn't clean up after himself. So as my honey is standing there looking very puzzled and freaked out, I say calmly to him, "Baby, I didn't want to tell you this (and now he is standing there staring at me hanging on my every word) but (and I pause) I have been sneaking out here on the deck in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep and digging through the trash eating whatever I could find. I haven't wanted to tell anyone because it's kind of embarrassing but now you know." and he just stares at me. Then he grins. Next he says, "Why didn't you tell me, you need to stop that you know." and we both just laugh.

Regardless, the racoon (or whatever IT is) is being locked out of the trash. We'll see tomorrow if the locking idea works. We shall see. To be continued.....

Those darn rascally creatures....

Summer Lazy Days Are Coming To An End....

2010-08-13T21:51:00.000-04:00

Well, not LAZY exactly, but you know. I sometimes think we are BUSIER in the summer but there's still an air of laid back, fun loving, spontaneous moments in the summer. And there's the water; whether beach or pool, and that sometimes is the most relaxing best part to me. So, no, not lazy, but go at your own pace maybe.

Three or so weeks before school starts and I can feel the countdown beginning. Soon to get the kids back on a night time routine, getting to bed on time, no distractions, getting serious again. Maybe that brings everything back into sharp focus. Have to be on time, soccer starts up, and I think the Littlest will get to play this season. I know he'll tear it up on the field. Lord that child scares me sometimes. All of that ahead and more. The Oldest will get settled into a new school and so will the Littlest. I cherish these days yet I dread them as well. Funny how it's all diametrically opposed, you know?

I promised to take us all to the OuterBanks for a beach day. We'll get up early and go, hopefully be gone all day. Do whatever we want. Probably bring Harley too. Just go. Go, drive, laugh, sing, swim, eat on the beach, bring a big cooler and hit the road. I bet we come home with some tired kids. One I know will fall asleep. He doesn't usually fall asleep in the car but with all that fresh air, playing in the waves, and decent drive, he'll be tuckered out. No doubt.

Summer is my fav, but you know, so are the Holidays. Guess I like this life, no matter the season.

“The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea.”
--Isak Dinesen

Good For a Laugh

2010-08-12T19:33:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I posted anything funny. Here's something that made me chuckle and size up life in one second, what goes around, comes around.

When I was in high school, I was a sassy so and so to my tennis coach. Oddly she was my favorite teacher (and coach) but I still gave her a run for her money. I'm not sure why that is, but there you have it, I wasn't the most well behaved teenager on that tennis team. One time, we were all playing around at practice, instead of focusing and giving it our all. She got upset and gave us a warning. We continued screwing around and some of us even started laughing (I would string up the Oldest by his TOES if he behaved this way). She had enough and called us in for a group talk and she wasn't happy. She was fussing about my back hand, fussing about someone not moving their feet, and then she started in on how we were all too silly and not dedicated enough. Once she had called me out about my backhand needing lots of attention, she ticked me off. So, I did my famous thing that happens when I get mad, I got quiet. Then I started to bounce the tennis ball with my raquet (and I'll digress here and say yes, I really did play tennis and that year I was #1 doubles and #3 singles) while she was talking to us, the entire team (and again here I'll say if the Oldest OR Littlest EVER display this disrespectful behavior to anyone/teacher/coach/otherwise, they're in BIG trouble--ahem). She shot me a look. I stopped. She continued talking. I was still ticked off. Probably to show I was in charge I started bouncing the ball again. She sharply called my name, "Jenny!". I stopped again. She started to talk again. Then she started talking directly to me in front of the whole group saying I needed to work on my backhand and it wasn't going to improve on it's own blah blah blah. Calling me out. Ok, right here, I'm going to say, I think this might be where all my stubborn streak was enhanced and really brought to the forefront. This event in my life I have thought about often. I have never liked to be told what to do (Who does? But for me, it's akin to someone scraping their nails on a chalkboard, or peeling my skin off, yes, that's about how it feels to me; always has.) but this occasion marks a more savage reaction at least emotionally where I springboarded into how I'd be as an adult I think. Stronger than before. I remember feeling VERY sassy and rebellious and without thinking it through, I started bouncing the ball again, but higher, and I looked at her, and she was trying to ignore my obvious ill behavior. She finally said my name again and said if I didn't stop, I was going to have to run laps and as she said that the ball that I had just bounced REALLY high bounced and hit her in the head. All I remember is her yelling "RUN and don't stop till I say so!" Dang. I was running before she even said 'and don't stop till I say so!'. Like Forrest Gump, I was runnnING and runnnING and runnnING. I ran a lot that day and I cried a lot too. We never talked about it, and I never acted up like that anymore during practice. Can you imagine that little ole' ME behaved that way? I'm sure you are shocked. I was a stinker. I know I was.

Flash forward to now. We are playing Cupponk. The Oldest is not listening. He is bouncing the ball. He's messing around. I tell him to stop. He doesn't. He keeps at it. I continue to try to reign him in. I give a final warning and he bounces it really high just as I'm asking him to STOP and it bounces way up and hits me square on the head. Ahem. I grimmaced (it was only a ping pong ball). I chuckled inside. What goes around, comes around. I'm not sure if his personality will be like mine exactly, maybe a little but it made me smile nonetheless. He apologized quickly, he felt bad. Me, I just started running. I knew I was wrong. I don't think I meant to hit her in the head but I was certainly ticked off at her. How DARE she call me out is what was flying through my little immature head.

The things we do. The things that happen. Irony. Humor. Life.

I think I'm in Love

2010-08-03T17:15:00.000-04:00

Yep. I'm in love. With this guy. Have been since 1990. I asked him on our first date and he asked me on our second and the rest is history. He is my everything and we are intrinsically connected. Ups and downs, passion runs a river through us sometimes, but at the end of even those days, we are still connected and we fall asleep with our legs or arms or hands intertwined; content. We are where we are supposed to be.

"You don't have to be looking each other in the eye (though sometimes I love that and it makes me all mushy) all the time as long as you are looking in the same direction." and to that quote I will add that 'You don't even have to be on the same page sometimes because you will get where you are going together if you are just moving in unison in the same general direction.' You cannot and will not always agree. You might not even agree 50% of the time (sometimes we don't) but on the big stuff, children, raising them, money (ok a little), God, trust........if you are there on the big stuff, you're pretty much as close as you'll ever get. There's no perfect. NONE. Don't let anyone fool you. If you are reaching for that, you'll be reaching forever and will have missed your life as it breezed by you; looking for the elusive object you think exists. Perfect love. Perfect love is you accepting a lot of things you don't want to and letting some things slide that you can't change or control. Finding that happiness in yourself. I am a very blessed girl. For having this in my life and knowing it is my perfect even though it is far from perfect. It's absolutely PERFECT.

The Oldest; Off to Camp

2010-08-02T22:44:00.001-04:00

Took him off to camp today. Here's the proof. I am so proud of him; he's growing up and growing into himself so nicely. Who he can be, there's all the potential in the world. I miss him already but I also know he will make good decisions and that he knows the basics of right and wrong. I trust in that. Have fun Oldest. Make awesome memories! Come back a little more independant and wiser. Just not TOO wise. ;)

Love
Mom

I Should Be Asleep

2010-07-29T22:56:00.000-04:00

I have 1001 things running through my mind. I'm extremely tired but can't let myself fall asleep. Make a list. Mental list. No, don't do that, you'll forget 60% of the items. Make a paper list. Can't. No paper by the bed. Don't want to go downstairs. But go in the next room and blog. That'll do it. Right!

Is it true that women need more "me" time than men? I don't know. Maybe we both need it but women are better at communicating their needs? They just say it vs. holding it in? Maybe. IDK.

I'm still very afraid to open that little file cabinet. That's a broken record playing. I know what I'll find. And I know what that'll mean. One day on a whim, when no one is looking and before I can talk myself out of it, I'll get that thing opened. Then I'll know. I think the Lucas journal is in there. I think it is. Leaving that alone.

Sometimes I'm aggressive. Sometimes I'm passive. And sometimes I'm passive aggressive. But usually not. Sometimes I surprise myself with things I say to others. Sometimes at work. But mostly not. I'm such a flippin' Gemini. It's a disease I tell you. I stand up for things I feel passionately about. Others just zip it and go along. I can't seem to get the hang of that notion. I get all fired up and more often than not, even if I'm waited a period of time to make sure I really feel it, I find a way to say it. Lord help me.

Last week, a police officer we work with was shocked to hear how long I'd been with the company I work with. She said, "How OLD are you?" OhmyLord, I wasn't sure WHAT she thought my age was, so fearfully, I asked her, "How old do you THINK I am?" She quickly said, "28, 29, 30?" I almost FLEW across the room to hug her. Though I refrained. I told her I was 40 and she literally thought I was lying. Uh, no. It's the truth. I'm absolutely every day of 40, but I'll take the compliment. On the flip side, today, someone far younger than me referred to me twice as "Old" and "Older" two separate times. I was so deflated. I wanted to slap her hand with a wet noodle! Why do I hang my hat so much on being a certain age? Funny.

I should be asleep. I'm going to try again. For all I'm worth, I'm going to try again.

Exit stage left.

Balance

2010-07-28T22:40:00.001-04:00

Some days I know I have it and some days I feel completely out of wack. But maybe on the whole, I have this thing called balance. I have learned that personal is FAR more important than work and when I'm at home, I rarely now think of work. Can I tell you for many many years it was the exact opposite? When I was at work, I thought about work. When I was at home, I thought about work. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I was one stressed puppy. Didn't even know it. Oh thank the Lord above I have learned that what I do at home far far outweighs what I do at work. Don't get me wrong, I know I play a role at work for a reason, I like what I do and I get a lot out of it. It took a lot of trial and error, it took a lot of lessons and a lot of sour tasting medicine in my mouth to finally get to where I am.

B.A.L.A.N.C.E my friend. It's the sweetest word in the English language. I really do believe it is.

When we have left this incredibile Earth, our absence will be felt far more in our families than our work places. Work goes on. They survive and get things done, even without our bossy selves, they really do. I am grateful I know this and live it. Life is so much sweeter. Even with the tough days, the tired days, the I can't do another thing days, and the are you kidding me days, I still feel that I have the balance that I've never had before. I know it to my core. Life baby. Life.

What A Woman Needs

2010-07-28T14:49:00.001-04:00

If you notice she is quiet, ask her what is wrong. If you already know what is wrong and you don't want to hear it, get yourself mentally right with it and ask anyway. Be prepared for a conversation, because that is probably what she needs. Give her your time, attention, and eyes, because that is probably what she needs as well. If she tells you nothing is wrong, give her some space. Give her more than an inch of space and give her half an hour or so and softly try again. Be kind and be persistant.

If you want more of her, give her less of you. If this doesn't make sense, think about it. The more you cling to something the more it backs away. The more space you give it, the more the heart desires. Some personalities are made like that. Some personalities don't need much human touch. They need it, everyone does, but maybe not as much as the next person. Recognize the character and personality in her and know what she needs. What he needs is very important as well, but both needs must be met for harmony. If she needs a lot of the physical stuff (hugs, hand holding etc) then try to meet in the middle. If she needs less of that, then here again, try to meet in the middle or for a balance of time, don't give those things. Be there but not attached to her side. It's possible. Step out of your box, try it. It may not be what you need, it may not be the norm, but try a different approach. Go slowly, easily, softly but stand your ground when you need something.

I need a lot of huggy, touchy, eye contact, and yes, I guess, attention. I don't always get it, but I he gives it when he can and I soak it up. He doesn't need all that. I recognize that. I give it probably more than he needs but we have found a happy medium and we both know each other pretty well so we don't have so much of the push and pull anymore. We balance nicely.

A woman needs consistency and truth. Say how you feel but understand she probably won't agree with you all of the time. Be thankful for 50/50 agreement. Men and women think differently; add to that different personalities blending in conjunction and figuring out how to make all work. It's tough. The road is not perfect and there are so many bumps and pauses for thought, questioning the relationship, questioning God, but in the end, your soul mate is your soul mate. The one who knows you the best. There is no denying that. The one she calls first for any little thing, and most large things. If you are that guy for her and she is that girl for you-work hard, because it takes a LOT of hard work.

I've been in my marriage for almost 16 years and while that is still a young marriage, we've been through some really tough things. We are still standing, and looking at each other loving the other one, through it all. At the end of the day, isn't that all that matters? Walking through this life with the one you cherish the most? Life is so very fragile and short. It just is.

Thought Dump

2010-07-27T21:00:00.000-04:00

Did you know that life is as fragile and a thin beautiful piece of hand spun glass? It is. Whether you live to be 95 or 6 months old, it's oh so incredibily fragile. Treat it that way. It isn't a fast speedway from here to there with an end result to only get what you want or take as much as you can take. I suppose some folks think that it is a speedway, racing from one point to the other, buying and getting as much as they can; higher, faster, newer, more more more. I'm glad I know different.

I look around and I see that our driveway has major cracks in it and needs to be jack hammered up and new concrete poured. I see that our kitchen ceramic tile has cracks in it all over and I'm not talking about the grout, the actual tile is failing. I notice that our carpet is in dire need of replacement, but I'll settle for a shampoo. I can plainly see that our pool liner is on it's very last leg, in fact, the last toe of the last leg. --But wait. I ALSO realize that we are blessed to have these things. A driveway, a ceramic floor, carpet, a pool, a home; I get it. So it flits in my mind and the next thoughts that chase are ones of humble gratitude for all that we have.

What a long day today! 7-8 hours in the car, to Raleigh and back with some fun gals but long day nonetheless. I'm accused of being a bad driver. I think I am a good driver. I'm safe and though I might swerve now and again, I am in full control. I do get distracted and look at whatever might be going on the side of the road, but I am aware I'm driving a vehicle and I haven't lost a passenger yet! :)

Working on bottles this week, cleaning and scouring and dusting and laundry. The life of a mom, the life of a wife, the norm and the day to day. It dawns on me I've never uploaded any pics of my bottles here. I will do that soon.

Parenting is TOUGH!

2010-07-25T18:56:00.002-04:00

To stick to what you say, to the consequences you set, is sometimes the most tiring, difficult and draining thing in the world. However, I firmly believe that if I set a limit, or my honey sets a limit, we MUST stick to it. Otherwise, they won't take us seriously, and it sends a signal that they are in charge and anything goes.

My goal

SO when I say to the Littlest, "If you hit, punch, or kick your brother again, you will go to your room for five minutes!" (and this is not a relatively harsh punishment, I acknowledge) and he hits, punches, or kicks his brother, then I absolutely MUST follow through with what I said. I don't try to help him weasel out by asking what the circumstances were, or sticking it to the Oldest for how he might have incited the physical outburst from the Littlest, I simply enforce what I said. And that, initiates all out war. The Littlest yells, cries, fights like heck going to his room. After 5-8 minutes of that battle and getting him into this room, I lay down the parameters and he is SO angry. Oh he is spitfire and so very independent. That is an understatement. As I leave his room (three times in two days) he is yelling and screaming and its bad. But I calmly leave and have said what I needed to say. He absolutely cannot stand being in his room as a punishment and loses it. As he yells from his room over and over again, missing the point of his presence (as a normal four year old would) there, I try to remain calm but feel the angst rising, rising. He yells, "I want out of this room!! I want out of this room!" over and over and over and over again. I tune him out for a bit but then I'm not made of steel, and I slowly walk back to his room and close his door, which further incites him. The only words I say then are, "please stop crying or I will close this door" and finally, he gets it. Quiet. So then I simply say, "the longer you yell and cry, the longer you'll be in here, your five minutes will begin when you quiet down." ---"sniff sniff", wiping tears with back of hands, he looks at me and he gives me a fraction of a pseudo smile (and I do mean a fraction of a fraction) and I knew then I had gotten through to him.

As the next few moments passed with silence in the house, I knew he was thinking about what he did. I didn't even make him wait a whole five minutes, I waited long enough that probably felt like five minutes to him, and went in his room. We talked quietly about how to use his words instead of his actions and he said he understood and gave me a hug. He went downstairs to give his brother a hug and apologize. I think all of that took a good solid 20-25 minutes maybe...very very draining. It would have been WAY easier to not make him go to his room. You have no idea. But I didn't give him the easy way out, what would that accomplish? Nothing. This was the first of three very similar incidents lately. So even though he said he understood, hugged me and all ended well, this happened two more times. I wonder how many times it will take till he gets it? I suppose it doesn't matter. I told him this same exact thing will happen every time he acts out against his brother but now I have added a twist. As my husband has pointed out, the Littlest keeps getting in trouble, but the Oldest who likely behind the scenes starts trouble out of our line of vision can't seem to manuever out of the muddy waters. It always ends poorly. Here's my twist...the next time this happens they BOTH get in trouble and go to their room. The announcement of this brings shock and disbelief from the Oldest. The nerve! WT? Not fair! Why? Whatever! Mmm hmmm. Now we have something that might stick. We shall see.

The things that are guiding me.....stay calm (yes my voice gets loud, and I get upset but in my head, I'm talking myself through it and I remain as calm as I can in the situation), stay consistent, and follow through. He hugs me every time. I know he loves me madly. I also know he is a little bull and has an extremely hot temper. He did NOT get that from his Daddy. I suppose maybe he got it from me but I'd have to ask my mom, I don't even think I was that hot headed when I was little. We are in for it. I know that. Hopefully if I set the rules in stone now, it won't be as bad later. If we are proactive and prep now, maybe by then, when the wild and wooly 12-16 years come, it'll be better. He's not bad, and for others, he's pretty well behaved. This is the true side of the Littlest when we are all at home and he is in his comfort/safe zone. The real Littlest. :) I love him so, or I wouldn't be doing all this. That is for sure.

Sometimes I just take a deep breath and get through it. Hold on for the ride and have faith in the Lord. In the end, it works. At the end of the day, that's all I can really ask for, and I PRAY they appreciate it later. Both he and the Oldest, I pray they do. Its not easy and while they think I'm mean now, I hope later, they understand why..and I hope they see the pieces of my heart all over them because that's how much I love them.

Sex and stuff

2010-07-24T19:10:00.000-04:00

So when I look over in my labels and all the categories I've created over the years (you see it in a list over to the right I believe) I see a category for SEX. Yet in that category, unlike many many other categories, there is only one post. Hmmmmmm. Let me just clarify it here, there is not only one post because sex is not a topic I like (ahem) or because sex is not something I have frequently (another ahem). I think there is only one post because I can't exactly share all here. I mean, I know anyone and everyone can read here and I'm fine with that, or I wouldn't be blogging. But some things must remain private! A girl cannot kiss (or other things) and tell!

Our intimacy is just that, intimate. So it's ours. And ours alone. But every now and then I might throw you a bone. No pun intended. I might sneak a fast one past you, or say something to make you read between the lines. Quite nights are hard to come by (oh my, that sentence was chock full) but we try to make efforts to set aside time that gives us energy for what the next day might bring. If a couple doesn't focus on that, or can't do that, I can see problems galore cropping up that parlay into other things making it difficult to see the root of the issue. So I try and I'm sneaky and I get pretty creative. I'll leave it at that.

I just wanted to quell any wonderment you might be having on the topic. For a mom of two insanely busy and energetic boys who want want want and need need need, it's actually near the top of my list in importance. So, just sayin, there you go, make of it what you will.

And the door closes.

J

Time Is Flying!

2010-07-23T20:36:00.001-04:00

So my honey just got a jury notice; he is commanded to appear several times in the next two months for possible jury selection. I did this before when we lived in Hampton and I've yet to be called for York County. He will get way into this, he'll have stories galore and he won't mind it. When I did it, I was in agony, bored, didn't want to be there, doing my civic duty, how horrible is that? I ended up sitting on a jury about a woman who was suing someone who hit her. We found for the defendant. She was not happy. I ended up passing her in a car about half an hour after the case was finalized and we were all free to go. When I looked over to my left and saw her and her husband, she was GLARING at me. We were nowhere near the courthouse, in fact, rather far from it. What are the chances?? Thank God the light turned green simultaneously and I was off like a shot. Too close for comfort. --So he's up for all that drama and jazz. Can't wait to see what it brings.

This summer is almost halfway over and we've had fun so far. Parties coming up, lots of planning, lots of things to look forward to, even if on a super mack daddy tight budget. But seriously people, who isn't on a tight budget these days? The way of the world. Or the way of my world.

I look at the Littlest and he's grown signifiicantly in a matter of 5-6 months. Amazing. He's absolutely beyond toddler, baby has been LONG gone, and little boy is definitely here. We are in the middle of Phase Kid. And the Oldest? He's a man. Well, he's not a MAN, but he's as TALL as a man! And his feet are BOATS. Scarier yet.....the two of them laying side by side are only a foot different than each other height wise. If things could slow down a tad, that would work for me. They laugh and make things up and have their own phrases and sometimes I get what they're saying and other times I'm totally clueless. Ok, maybe a lot I'm totally clueless. :) I think the Littlest drives a lot of what goes on and sometimes if I didn't know any better, I'd think he wears the pants in that sibling relationship! It's heartwarming to watch them maneuver through stuff. Whether fighting, making up, getting along, whispering stuff they never want us to hear (Lord only KNOWS what that could be...) or watching their favorite Selena Gomez videos together.....it's awesome to watch them..to watch them grow.

Off to cleaning, organizing, laundry and preparing. Being proactive. mmmmm hhmmmm. You heard me. P.R.O.A.C.T.I.V.E.

Let's see how long THAT lasts......

Winnie the Pooh on Friendship

2010-07-15T15:55:00.000-04:00

You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.---Winnie the Pooh

I am so thankful for the true friends in my life. I don't have throngs of them, but the ones I do are ones I can depend on, ones who I can say anything to, and are solid gold to me.

I'm tired of being constricted on what I can or can't say, what I should or shouldn't say, or worrying about my every word being misconstrued constantly. How fair is it if I have to hold my tongue quite a bit and the other person gets to spew out exactly what they think every single occasion there is conflict? Oh yes, there's the going quiet part and sometimes I think that is the saving grace of it all. Every time something comes in the range of vision, hearing, or awareness that is not liked, immediately there is a comment, or judgment, body language (followed by a comment) or something to OBVIOUSLY indicate to the other person that says they screwed up again. How many times can a person screw up before it becomes obvious the friendship it not what either of them thought it was? At some point, you become like an idiot who keeps going back thinking something different will occur.

If that person is not happy with themselves, then NOTHING will ever be right. Not other people in their lives, not what those people do or say, how they love, how they eat, what they eat, anything. I am seeing it all so clearly now. Crystal. I get it. I see how others are affected by it as well and it's exhausting me not to be able to say anything, or to act on it, its exhausting me to just sit by like Switzerland, as neutral as the day is long, watching it all swirl around me.

It makes me more grateful for sanity, for love, makes me more grateful for the happiness in my life. I am drawn to that more and more and pushing further and further away from the other stuff. It's getting dangerously beyond the point of repair. I suppose that is my answer.

Thankful for my friends, for truth, for understanding of who I am and acceptance of that. Those that don't have that for me are simply not ones I need to be around. How many signs on the side of the road do I need to see? How many red flags? I think I've passed one of the last signs. I read that last one very clearly.

Winnie the Pooh, he's a pretty smart bear.

Losing Myself-

2010-07-12T05:28:00.002-04:00

I used to be so driven to write. To come here and let it fly, release my thoughts and emotions, very regularly. Something happened, who knows, a shift in life, a shift in focus, a wrong turn that took me off a path I loved so much. Writing is like breathing to me. I sometimes feel I need it to stay balanced. Yet, lately, I've let it fall away. To some degree I feel my center of gravity has been off because I haven't been writing. It should never be forced, so I won't force it. However, I do crave it and miss it. Maybe a little less of that time sucker, Facebook, and I can get back to my old self. The old me who knows what is really important. Keeping up with friends is nothing to laugh at, don't get me wrong, Facebook is good for that, for sure. But every now and then, I just browse through, getting a quick glance at life through others' eyes; I could be glancing at my own life and getting it out on paper, which is what I need more than anything else.

I get to the point where it's all pent up; its where I am now. Focus. Life. Core values.

Summer is here like the breath of a new day. I can hardly believe this but we have yet to get to the Ocean and it's almost the middle of July. That is something else that is important to me. Sounds odd, but the Ocean, the beach, it too moves me. I think that is something that my husband has probably never understood about me. He thinks I'm a slave to the sun, and while I do love a nice sun tan, beautiful brown skin, I'm not really a slave to the sun. When I'm at the beach, watching waves, whether they are crashing hard or softly pushing up on the sand, it's cathartic for me. It's life. I find it very mesmerizing and soothing. It gives new energy to my soul and really it never gets old for me. Maybe something in my spirit that requires deeper things..I'm not sure. For my husband, the beach to him simply means 'more sun' and he loathes that. I look deeper and feel it much differently. Actually sometimes I feel slightly connected to Lucas there. And really, I can't explain that any further. Its just a feeling, intangible, untouchable, just there.

See how I'm losing my way? Things that are important to me....must find them again. Summer is rejunvenating, our time to run and play even as adults. Must find that again. My year of forty is just beginning and I will tell you that aside from this small feeling of being a little lost from my norm..I do feel a spunk coming on. I know in the depths of me that I am making my way to something. What I want will draw to me and that's pretty exciting. The grass has been green and grown under my feet for a good length of time. And you know what they say.. 'the grass isn't always greener on the other side' however I think even if the grass is brown and not so full of life to me, it will be greener. It.will.be.greener.

In that greener grass, I will find myself, who I really am, who I've come to be, and what I've come to believe in. I know I will feel such a freedom and I look forward to that. I look forward to no longer being defined by something that just is, that just exists. I look forward to being defined by what steps I take to improve my life, and the ones around me. So for as much as I feel I may have lost myself, I am aware, and I am awake, and I am already finding my footing. How can I go wrong with my best friend in the world by my side every day, two wonderful boys here on Earth to keep my grounded and steady, and a faith so abiding in the Lord that it stills me?

I can't. I won't.

Jenn

The Littlest's Big Adventure

2010-05-27T22:22:00.000-04:00

Last week I was in NC on a business trip. I had called to check in with the boys and got no answer. Rang and rang and rang. I knew something was wrong. I was right. Something WAS wrong. The Littlest ran his hand along a wooden railing (playing with a soccer ball balancing it and rolling it) and got a 1/2" thick wooden shard going through the tip of his ring finger horizontally. His Daddy took him to the Med Express and they wouldn't remove it; too many nerve endings. It needed to be removed surgically. So the next morning, that is exactly what happened. Surgery!

At the age of four, he didn't cry. Not ever. Not when it happened, not when he went to Med Express, not when he went for the surgery, not even when he woke up from the anesthsia. He had anxiety but the story is, no tears. ---So for the last week, he's been walking around with his left hand all bandaged up. The doctor today said keep the stitches in for another four days, and we thought he'd get them out today. The thing about him is he's just so full of wonder and spunk and takes things as they come. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Think that's a comfortable mix of my honey and me. I have a sneaky feeling, this big adventure is just the start of it all. I've said this before, can someone inject a small dose of fear in the boy? A little bit of fear has got to be a healthy thing. Eh?

What if....

2010-05-17T14:43:00.000-04:00

What if Lucas had lived? What would he have been like? Would we be tied to hospital visits and grown so close to doctors they'd have been like family? Would Lucas be silly? Would his smile have knocked my socks off? Would we be ten times more overprotective than we already are?

I know this. He's the missing link. The puzzle piece that is gaping wide open sometimes. To describe how full our lives are would be impossible. The Oldest and Littlest are FULL of life and happiness and mischeif and they bring so much pure joy to our lives. Don't get me wrong. They do. To the nth degree.

I remember holding him so close to me that morning. He was so hungry and he was tired and I just held him. We took pictures. Not sure why we did that. But we did. I'm glad we did. God's hand. I remember him perfectly, vividly, his intense eyes.

Just allow me this. Sometimes I need to rant and be angry. Still. After seven years...still I need that. We are the parents of three boys. Not just two. Three. I want to yell that from the rooftop sometimes. Handing over a six month old sweet baby boy to the OR nurse and never seeing him like that again, only fighting for his life for the next four months, sometimes I cannot believe it all happened. It did. It so did.

Yesterday the Littlest asked me what day he was going to die. The breath was immediately sucked from me. I was tying his shoes at the time and the tears stung my eyes. The Oldest was standing nearby. I handled all calmly so he could not see the storm of emotions in me, or my eyes..my words were calm and reassuring. My heart was shrinking and my thoughts were racing. It's not the first time he's asked me that, and I suppose to some end, kids at this age wonder about things like that, things that are bigger than them. Add to that he knows he has another brother that he has never met and is in a place we all call Heaven. He cannot imagine that--and why should he be able to? I don't even want him to worry about things like that. And when the topic comes up typically I am general and vague and fluff fluff fluff. But he still knows what he knows. The other stuff....I try to smooth it over. At least for now. Later, when he's able to understand more...that's different. Even given all of that, he still asks questions about dying. Maybe all kids do. It just hurts when mine do.

I love my boys more than I could ever describe or say. And parenting is never easy. Its hard and trying but fun and fulfilling. It's the best of everything and sometimes the worst of everything. I wouldn't trade anything, none of it. Well, maybe I would trade one thing. But irony of all ironies, I can't trade it. We were handed what we were handed. What is it they say? I've heard it once or twice before.... If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it.

He will and in some ways, He already has. I just need my moments to be mad. And cry. Puffy eyes and all, I've had my moment for the day. I know His grace is there. It's quite twisted you know. It really is.

What I Love About Us

2010-02-21T22:25:00.003-05:00

What I love about us is that there is never a dull moment. We never ever run out of things to say. If we are both decidedly quiet, there is something brewing and we both know better than to say what we are thinking--at least YET. Call it reserved wisdom we have learned along the way. Other than those times, it is non stop talking, discussing, vetting, chattering about life and the pursuit of happiness.

If we are alone, eating out, I usually check out those around us. Many times I see couples eating in silence not even looking at each other or smiling. I see that a lot. I'm thankful, so thankful we are not that. Having said that, when we come across a point of dispute, it can get pretty heated. I sort of love that too. Fire. Passion. We keep that behind closed doors.

Then there are times when I am clearly wearing his butt out. I can see it in his eyes. If I linger too long on a point (as I'm WELL known to do) I lose him quickly. I have to reel him back in, I say something slightly jarring and he's back, then I have to chose my words carefully to keep him with me. It's a trick, you have to be really good at it. I've crafted the skill well. Every now and then, I can't get him back, and I lose him to something more interesting; a ball game, music, the kids fighting (which I'm currently ignoring for my own good). It's the blank 'uh huh' and the quick look away and the quick mis timed 'uh huh' again which makes no sense and I know, I've lost him.

Mostly I am short to the point and try not to stay too long on one topic. It works. We have become like a well oiled engine, humming along happily. Potholes are waiting to bait us and reel us in, and we do hit them, sometimes going way too fast. It causes a big flat tire from time to time but the one who still has lots of energy and air, fills the other one up and we get back on the road pretty quickly. That's what I love about us. Always there. Talking, sometimes way into the night....making sure the other is ok or unexpectedly discovering new things about each other, even after all these years. It's communication. It rocks. It helps couples stay strong. Pretty cool.

-J

Our Time

2010-02-20T07:44:00.003-05:00

We are going away for one little night. I'm very excited because we need it and will hopefully come back energized and ready to take on the world. I have lots of little things packed and planned and even though its still Winter, today it should be about 52 degrees so with sweaters and a blanket or two, we may try to eat lunch on the beach. We'll see, but those are my pie in the sky plans. I'll moderate my expectations. Well, um, I'll try to moderate my expectations.

We get to go to dinner with our super close friends and after, walk back to the hotel. No rushing, no hurrying, just at our own pace. If we want to find a cozy little bar....maybe we will. I don't know what the night will bring but it'll be kid free and it'll be fast and furious. I will enjoy every minute with my honey. Every second. We may not look like that couple up there and we won't be dressed all fancy but you get the idea. Ok, well yes, I really DO need to moderate my expectations. Ahem. Got it.

signed
Hopelessly Romantic, me.

Gone

2010-02-06T20:01:00.002-05:00

10 pounds GONE.

And moving ON.

-Jenn

Breathing Life

2010-02-05T14:24:00.002-05:00

I know there is a secret to it all. Sometimes its blindingly hard to see. Sometimes it's blindingly obvious; can't be ignored. I know with all my soul I am where I am supposed to be. Doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It has nothing to do with my profession, not yet. It has everything to do with my boys. And Lucas. The lack of him. His spirit in Heaven.

I often feel a warmth and understanding for others that I know I did not have5-7 years ago. It's life. It teaches and warns and all the while can seem cruel and unfair; heartbeats after happiness existed in that same spot. It balloons and puffs up with energy and truth but sometimes we move so fast, too fast, we cannot slow down and see the truth. See what we could be doing instead of feeling and thinking the whole 'woe is me' stuff. If you tried in all the world, you could not go out and find a bag of stress. On the converse you could not go out and find a bag of happiness. They are completely intangible. Stress is something we induce upon ourselves and allow to take over our lives. A stress headache, stress induced sickness, it's all what are thinking in our heads, or allowing ourselves to be consumed with. No one gets a happiness headache or happiness induced headaches. We let the stress beat us up and take away our lives.

I breathe life into the boys. I breathe life into myself. It's a choice and I'm glad to do it. Even when life has been tough, unimaginable at times, I have chosen not to fall or cave completely. My choice. I had a little tiny control over that in the end. Give me the warmth, the laughter, give me the smile to a stranger, or the offer to help someone with their groceries. I do those things and I think what goes around comes around.

It's a nice thought.

Amusing..

2010-01-25T16:44:00.002-05:00

So many amusing things lately. Easier to laugh. Easier to ignore things that I don't agree with. SO much easier to let the negative feelings or down feelings go. Life has blazed on and I have conquered much of it. Easier to help others. Easier to say I'm sorry. Is it age? Pretend wisdom? I don't know. God's Grace maybe. When someone asks me if I know about some assumed horrible idea or thing that has happened, and they expect me to chime in with all the blah blah, I keep on gliding. Not going to get stuck in it all. Too little time. Life is too short they say. I think 'they' are right.

I pray this is the right path. Not the high and mighty path but maybe just maybe, the enlightened slightly path. Until I stumble and fall on my face indicating it's a bad path, I'll keep on it.

Time will tell.

Hearts and love..

-J

40

2010-01-23T17:16:00.003-05:00

By the time I'm forty, I will weigh less, be in better health, be able to do slow jogs without passing out, I will be in better shape. I've been working on it since the beginning of the month.

Let it be written, let it be said. Make it so. And all that jazz. I'll give little updates here/there as I continue on this track.

-J

Playing

2010-01-23T17:10:00.002-05:00

Listening to the boys play basketball. The Oldest has a friend over and they are literally going from one thing to the next. Having a great time. The Littlest keeps asking them to turn the TV down, it truly sounds like they are playing a real basketball game...or I take that back, it truly sounds like we are sitting in an arena watching a live game. It's loud. Then you hear this little voice, "Can you guys turn it down please?" He's even got the manners goin' on! :)

Just a nice easy Saturday. Getting ready to do the meat for hamburgers. Hamburgers and hotdogs, macaroni and cheese, spiced apples...and maybe some chips or something. Easy.

Tonight we'll watch Pirates of the Carribean, maybe a marathon. Better get crackin.

PS on a totally random side note...all this working out better start paying off soon. I'm proud of myself for doing all this and some better results would be a much better incentive to continue on this track. I'm just sayin'.

-J

Long Time

2010-01-20T18:26:00.002-05:00

As someone has unintentionally pointed out to me, it's been a LONG time since I've written. Can't believe how long; October!

Time for me to get my juices flowing again. Never left for that long before since starting my blog, think I just needed to get back to basics with the boys and life. Writing here is freeing and calming but does take a good bit of time.

I'm back. Feels good.

Trying to Always Please and Cater To the Minority

2009-10-05T17:17:00.002-04:00

I'm so frustrated right now, I can't even write. Just consider the title for a minute. No prayer in school. No baked goods in school. No Halloween celebrations allowed, must be called Fall Celebrations. Can't say Merry Christmas in school. God forbid. Oh wait, no pun intended. No peanuts in school. Peanut free school? Why didn't they have that when we were growing up? We ate peanut butter and jelly at school, the school served it to us! God forbid!

I know there are those with peanut allergies. I know. And I know it can be lethal to those individuals. I would never want a child to have to go through that. But isn't there a way to simply not serve that child what 98% of the other kids can eat? I think it's over the top. It's all about liability. Fear of being sued. A greedy nation of people. What we've come to. I'm shutting up.

I'm frustrated about something and I'm just going to refrain. I've said enough. Sometimes no matter how much you do, or in spite of all that you do, sometimes, just sometimes, it really doesn't matter.

First Day of School 2009-2010

2009-09-08T15:03:00.003-04:00

Here they are. My goodness. I sure do have my big girl boots on. Watching them grow up is wonderful, awesome, and fun. Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me and get sad. No more babies. Growing up. It's a good thing. Right? Right.

I get to

2009-08-31T23:45:00.002-04:00

I get to do a lot of things.

--I get to do laundry.
--I get to wash dishes.
--I get to dust and vacuum.
--I get to pick up toys at least twice if not more daily.
--I get to do it all.
--I get help from all three.
--I still get to do most things.
--I get thanked from time to time.

But I live in a warm home, with food to eat, boys to love, and life to live.

I get to be thankful.

Speaking Up and Speaking Out

2009-08-25T21:09:00.003-04:00

You know how sometimes you act then later you go, 'wow, I did that?'. In the span of 24 hours, I wrote a letter to President Obama and called the Traffic Engineering Department in Newport News VA.

To President Obama I sent a note of support. I hope he gets to read it. I suppose he gets thousands of letters/emails/calls a day. Anything is possible.

To the Traffic Engineer I gave a phone call. It was the quickest and most efficient way. As I sat in ridiculous traffic entering the business park of Oyster Point off Canon Blvd, I suddenly could not take it any longer. Sometimes I think those who plan the improvements to the cities we live in do not think about practical issues. Real day to day practical things that happen, you know, really happen. I will hand it to the gentleman who spoke with me on the phone, he was baffled at what I was saying, he was surprised that both lanes of traffic were just sitting during rush hour into the business park-but he took me seriously. There was a sliver of sarcasm that slipped from his tongue when he asked me, "well what time do you suggest we begin work on the road?" and I think he expected me to say something ignorant and asinine like "12 noon" or "at night".
Wasn't he surprised when I said something reasonable? Just let the bulk of the folks get into work rather than sitting and sitting during rush hour in. Start around 9 am. With budgetary conditions in mind, no going into overtime, I'm not suggesting that, but just start a tiny bit later.

He put me on hold. He didn't push the "hold" button so I heard the whole background conversation. He was relaying my comments to another person and that person was surprised as well. Hmm. Go figure. Do people in charge of our traffic patterns or road improvements go visit while work is going on? How could they not know this? He comes back and they looked at the contract, told me there were no time constraints listed in the contract and that they would approach the sub contractor about modifying the morning start time. They would also check to make sure the traffic light at that intersection was properly working so not holding folks up unnecessarily.

Regardless of the outcome, I like that I could call them while sitting in my car, waiting in that frustrating traffic, (which by the way blocks off a childcare center) and give my complaint to a live person who seemed reasonably concerned. Like my vent session for the day, but in a positive way. I was respectful in my phone call, but direct in my thoughts. A great combo when you want someone's attention.

Sometimes you have to speak up. You can't watch from the sidelines. A watched pot never boils. You have to get in there and make it happen. Make it boil yourself. Take that action. Even if it's a little action, take it.

And My World Goes Quiet...

2009-08-19T20:49:00.009-04:00

Each approaching day gets more quiet and more quiet. It's almost like submersing yourself slowly in water where you hear nothing and block all sound out. On purpose. Because that's how you cope, how you remember, how you revere the time that you want to etch in stone so it can never be forgotten or erased. Partly because that's how you ward off tears, or outbursts. Just because it works for you.

That is a picture of Lucas. Everyone knows that the experts say not to put a sleeping young infant on his/her tummy, but he did sleep best on his tummy. Here he was napping on the couch downstairs and we raised the pillow, you can see we slanted it with a basketball under it. I can remember countless countless days I would sleep on the floor under him. If he was sleeping, the house was quiet, it was a different infanthood with him. We knew his heart was not well, and we tiptoed around quite a bit for him. Never did that with the Oldest or Littlest. Only Lucas. Situation was so different with him. Our whole world changed when he was born. Then it changed drastically when he died.

Friday, August 21st will be six years ago that he died. Since then, we have become changed people. At some forks in the road, I remember looking around me saying, 'gosh, don't rush me, I'm grieving as fast as I can' because and I suppose to this day, I feel guilty for being sad. I feel guilty for moving on. I feel guilty for handing him over to that nurse. I feel guilty for not being able to make it all stop, reverse it all and make it go away. I feel guilty that I did not 'pray hard enough'. The list goes on and on. BUT we have moved forward, mostly in his honor, for him, so he can say he is proud that we did not fall down and stay down. We didn't crumble. We may have cried, but we did not crumble. We have lived. We have moved ahead and put things in their places. The gold dust of his soul has been captured in my words, our pictures, and our memories. There is not one other thing we can do about it. Make good out of sorrow. That's what we can do. I won't lie and say my heart doesn't ache to hold his smiling face and hear his coos and babbles again. But I know that I can't. And so...I can hope. I can hope that even though I let my world go quiet when I'm hurting, and pull back from almost everything around me, I can hope that it's true. Hopefully it's true that what are years and years to us are only seconds to those in Heaven. That all these years later are simple heartbeats and not even minutes for that baby angel who I pray isn't just waiting for his Mamma. That would be cruel I think and so I believe he barely knows I'm gone. It gets me through.

So a close friend did this recently while at the beach and sent it to me. Thank you Liz. You are an incredible person who helps me on more than a few levels.

If you've been reading here you know the story, and you know my take on it all. You may not know this...... I'm grateful that he was born and I know that there is purpose in his death. I don't understand it yet but I know there has to be purpose for it. That is not lost on me and I am well aware of it. I can say that now. I really can.

We miss you Lucas and you know I tell it to you every single day. I love you with a million hearts, even one of those hearts may have been better than the one you were born with and I would have given you mine.. as any mother would do. I honor your presence and your life and know that one day I'll be holding you again; as it should be.

Mamma.

Health Care Today

2009-08-15T12:09:00.004-04:00

Why is it that the people complaining the loudest already have insurance? Middle class folks who are crying foul, socialism, ridiculing President Obama and Congress (currently ruled by Democrats) for meddling where Government does not belong? Why are people who are uninsured and in need of this full of hope and waiting so patiently for change?

Our healthcare system has proven itself in poor shape and clearly does not work the way it is now. We have to have RAM's in our own backyard to take care of folks when they should instead be in impoverished countries where you would expect this need; not here, in our own country. The richest country in the world? No. We can't even take care of our own people. We aren't taking care of our own people. The big healthcare companies and all their supporters only care about money. If we change the system now to ANYTHING else, it would mean less money for them, competition, and they don't want it.

One or two people throw out incorrect idealogies and it crowds out the real truth. People aren't stopping to try to figure out what is really going on. This might not be the perfect plan that President Obama is proposing, but what would be? Is there ever ever ever a perfect plan for all? No. Let's start with some change. Let's deviate from what we can clearly see is NOT working. Let's support the President. Whether it is Barack Obama or anyone else, they deserve our respect and support, even if we don't agree with all the policies and decisions, how about less criticism and a little more open mindedness? I am not completely off my rocker, and don't think that all should suddenly agree with President Obama, I'm not saying that, I'm just saying, we can't get much done or move forward in a positive way together, as a country, behaving in this manner.

I voted for George Bush both times. This time I voted for Barack Obama. He represented what I thought (and think) this country needs. I realize at times folks are averse to change. This moment, this right now in our country, we need change like we never have before. Our health care system is sick. Let's make it well again. I think to some degree the proposal is geared towards more of a 'sick' system than a 'healthcare system' but we have to start somehwere, and modify from there what is not working. It makes me sad to hear some of the stuff I'm hearing on TV and from folks I chat with. Some of it makes no sense whatsoever. And lots of time I hear people repeating what others have spewed to them but they can't back it up with their own thoughts or opinions. Even sadder. I'm not perfect, I'm not even right here maybe, but I can think on my own and express what I'm feeling and that's the beauty of being a United States citizen. I'm allowed to be a free thinker and tell you my thoughts and impressions. For that I'm grateful. Proud to be an American, but sad at the current state of affairs and how some have tried to crumble any progress or proactive thinking. And we are letting them.

I'm writing a letter to the President. I think he needs to hear the support. Don't get me wrong, I'm not out there wearing an "I love Obama" tshirt. I'm not knocking on people's doors in an overzealous kind of way. I just support him and his ideas partly because he's our President and partly because I think he makes good common sense.

I'm just saying.

Losing Weight

2009-08-12T20:07:00.006-04:00

--Is hard.
--Is overwhelming.
--Is necessary.
--Is easy to put off.
--Is frustrating.
--Is lonely.
--Is worth it.
--Will happen.
--Must happen.

I truly realize that I'm ok with me but also truly realize that I'm not ok with me. Sometimes I think I am thin and that is a very funny thought in the next breath because it's quite obvious I am not thin. It's a trick I play on myself in my mind. It allows me to function and be happy. I look at myself in the mirror, when I can stand to, and suck in my tummy and say to myself, "see? I'm fine, look how great I look." and keep on moving.

--Walking is hard.
--Sticking to a routine is harder.
--Watching what I eat and ensuring I am on a healthy path is hard to commit to.

It's time. It's time to stop complaining. To make myself proud of me. To show myself I can do it, that I am worth it. That my boys, all of them, are worth it. I will push the cloud away and take the first step. I can't wait for someone to help me. No one will. I have got to help myself. I have got to help myself. I have got to help myself.

No more excuses. After all these years, the up and downs, the just skating by, I deserve to be the best me I can. Maybe the irony will be when all is said and done that I already am the best me I can be. Because I doubt that statement, because I'm not sure if that is true, I will try again. I will try to be better. To see what the truth is. I don't know the answer. So I will seek it out. It's hard to be the size I am when many of the folks I am around most days are thinner, healthier (well, not all that are thinner are healthier, some eat worse, far worse than me so their insides may not be the picture of health), and can wear almost anything they want. Or do almost anything they want. But I get by. I've been ok with it. Sometimes I tell myself it is what it is. And that makes it ok. Right? We all have to be a size. Right? Someone said to me the other day, "only a dog wants a bone" and it was said to help me feel better about me. Not intentional but enabling in a way. It was said with all the love in that person's heart. The person who said it looks up to me, loves me I think. But I have not been able to stop saying that in my head since it was said to me and it has made me spiral. The only thing I heard when it was said was this----"I am enabling you to continue on this path". And I know it was not meant that way one iota. But that is still what I heard.

Maybe I don't think I deserve anything better and I subconciously stay this way, make it harder for myself, put obstacles in my way and procrastinate on purpose. Maybe I think I deserve bad things. Maybe a tiny fraction of a part of me does think that. There you go. Maybe so. Blah blah blah.

I will do something in spite of that and push the negative away and invite the positive in. Need that. I'm putting this out there because now I can't take it back. Now I have to do something.

--We shall see if I can live up to it. I will try my best. This time, it has to be, tomorrow is today and today it's time.

jenn

I remember....

2009-08-09T22:04:00.002-04:00

-I remember getting up almost every hour or two each night and rocking you in the rocking chair in your room. Looking out between the shades and the window through that just big enough crack that I could peek out into the dead of night to see what I could see. Usually nothing. Usually all houses had all lights out and the night sky was as dark as dark could be but I was like a cat ready to pounce on a mouse for any activity as you ate and fell asleep in my arms.
-I remember feeling like a zombie many nights and days with little to no sleep as I tried to keep up with your demands on the world. The demands that only a baby could make on a mamma. The demands that a newborn makes on everyone around him. Sometimes I felt like I was sleeping with my eyes open but with a smile on my face, endurance was key.
-I remember your cry. I remember that you didn't do it that much so when you did, I paid prompt attention. Something was wrong. You were never a baby who was overly fussy. You're like that today too. It followed you to 'fourdom'. When you cry, I stop what I'm doing and get to you. You're a tough kid. I've seen you take a fall that made me cringe and get up and quickly say "I'm ok Mom" and never skip a beat.
-I remember how I loved holding you. And listening to your coo's. And how you grew so fast. Faster than I thought possible. And now, I look around, and I realize, there are no more babies in this house. All the pacy's are gone. All the diapers and pull ups are long gone. The baby bottles seem like a million years ago, did you ever drink them? Yes, of course you did. The sweet babbles and adorable baby laugh....thing of the past. To be cherished of course, but no longer around.
-I remember how I thought I could not love you more, I loved you so much when you were tiny. I thought I loved you more than any mother loved any other baby or child. I was wrong. I love you more now. Is it possible? Yes, I think it is. To have watched you turn into a rambunctious kid who goes to the fine line and back, gives his older brother a run for his money, a kid who doesn't mind sharing and uses his manners pretty good for a kid his age, it makes my heart proud. You're going to be ok Little one, I really think you will.

The Littlest has turned four today and we made a day of it. The beach for a few hours, a swim in the pool to cool down after, and Mexican for dinner with a little cake at home to top it all off, I'd say that was a wonderful family filled day all to celebrate you and your little life. I can't wait to see what the next year brings for you. I'm sure you'll try to keep up with your big brother the whole time. Love that. Love you.

Mamma.

Inappropriate or Not?

2009-08-09T20:10:00.004-04:00

One thing we seem to struggle with around here, frustratingly so, is what is appropriate television for the kids? As you know we have a ten year old and now a four year old. What's appropriate for the four year old is easy and pretty straight forward. He's happily relegated to Noggin, Sprout, Nick Jr. , PBS, and the like. The speed bump comes with the Oldest. We have yet to have any kind of talk with him about boys and girls, birds and bees, you know what I mean. These days its just about infiltrated into almost everything that isn't on Noggin, Sprout, Nick Jr. , PBS and the like. So that pretty much means, sex is everywhere. Violence is everywhere.

I have held my ground and tried to shield him from it since he was little and it's getting tougher and tougher. What if you don't want your pre teen (I can't believe I just said that!) influenced by all the crap out there that we as adults can easily filter out as needed. In addition, I feel the other side of our once strong joint agreement to not let him see this stuff is slowly loosening his grip. Maybe I'm too concerned. Maybe I'm too strict. Maybe I need to lighten up. Do I? I don't know. It's hard being the only one when other parents our age allow some of this stuff. I don't even think SpongeBob Square Pants is worthy TV. It's not that it's horrible, but it's just junk. There's other, more illuminating television for kids, more appropriate. In my opinion, Cartoon Network has a lot of junk on it. Thankfully, the Oldest doesn't watch it hardly at all so that isn't much of an argument.

I just think the more they watch this stuff that is borderline, it influences them when they are so young. Some of our family members let TV shows and movies play with the kids in the room and I'm appalled and frustrated. They seem to be completely oblivious and cuss words are flying, violent scenes are playing, intense scenes that are clearly over the top for at least a 3/4 year old-and there are no moments of pause, there is no look of concern on their face, there is no question in their mind, 'oh, should I change the channel, is this too intense for the Littlest? too inappropriate for the Oldest?' nothing. I have long asked myself when in those situations, "Do I just give up? Do I say something? What do I do?" and usually end up shoo'ing the kids out of the room. You would think folks would hear or realize the hesitation in me/us about inappropriate shows (usually adult movies like rated PG-13 or rated R stuff I'm talking here). Nope. I must be ultra on the other side of the fence with this stuff. It has got to be me.

I will keep sticking to my guns as long as I can. Even if I'm the only one trying to protect them (their Daddy does too but not as ambivilant as me) I will continue till it's obvious they have a grip on whatever it is. I guess if folks think I'm too strict or over the top, then I can live with that. If we are their protectors and supposed to guide them in this life, then it's up to us. I don't want visions of guns/crime/sex/inappropriate intimacies that they have no need to be inundated with dancing around in their heads. In this day and age that is a VERY hard job. Guess it's one I'm up for. Even though it makes me want to scream at some of those around us sometimes, it's one I'm up for. Sign me up.

Jenn

The Hangover

2009-08-07T21:56:00.005-04:00

Saw this movie today. Was hilarious. Very funny. Who thinks up this stuff? Who has this stuff happened to that it was a thought in their brain? Oh my goodness me. Bradley Cooper is a beautiful man. And I know men are not typically 'beautiful' but my oh my, scrumptious.

The quick and dirty, there's a bachelor party in Vegas three BF's and the soon to be BIL and they get wasted beyond belief and can't remember anything from the night before and lose the groom. The entire movie is one thing to the next of trying to find the groom and it's just frickin' hilarious. I'm telling you if you want stupid funny, semi crude that makes you laugh out loud in the theater over and over again, go see it. Been out for a while so might be ending soon but definitely definitely Red Box it. It's worth it. I'm going to watch it again with no kids around for miles and miles because my LORD that is some inappropriate stuff. Haven't laughed or snickered like that in a very long time. Very adult stuff but seriously very funny stuff. -And did I mention Bradley Cooper? {sigh}

-Jenn

I'm All In

2009-08-07T21:42:00.002-04:00

Some things you think you cannot take. Then the thing passes and you look around you and realize, amazingly, you took it. Still standing, you took it. I pray for patience and wisdom and seek it out. I seek it out because I know in my core that I truly didn't come pre packaged with it. The real me snaps easily. If it doesn't come out of my mouth, I'm probably thinking it in my brain. The real me when I'm alone and myself wants it all done now now now and quicker. Cannot stand marinating things that need to be done. Why are we waiting? Let's go. Let's move. Are we done yet?

This past year has to some degree been a test. A test of a marriage, a friendship, a relationship. Not REALLY a test, but challenging times. We have fared well. Better than well. I am proud of what I see that we are and because of this past year, I'm all in. I'm more than all in, you couldn't pull me out if you tried. Odd how certain things show you strength you never knew you had. Some folks are oblivious, and others are worried. I see all of that and am aware of it. I'm aware.

Death didn't knock us down and I guess not much else will either. We're strong and won't waiver for anything, for the kids, for ourselves, for this life. I get mad then I get over it and then I get on down the road and get to live this life-with my best friend. Lucky. Blessed. Amazing.

Road Trips

2009-07-22T07:44:00.005-04:00

Yesterday took a long road trip for work and talked non stop for well, maybe over 12 hours, yes it was. Laughing, talking, singing, driving down country roads through corn fields, taking wrong turns and not caring because the laughter was making it all better and we had that good ole' GPS.

I said I'd blog about it but it's too long to say and you wouldn't believe. But that lady in the gas station, she thought we were two "city girls" who couldn't pump gas and I looked at the cute guy in line and said (in my head) "you make the decision. look at her, then look at me, who do YOU think is doing something wrong?" Yah, that's what I thought, it was HER fault! We were there WAAAY too long. :) We passed a car with some very questionable peeps in it and we laughed at that like there was laughing gas in the car. Had to be there, maybe.

Long day of driving intermixed with much silliness. And a margarita at the end of it made it even more perfect. That or a martini.

When Children Die

2009-07-20T07:44:00.003-04:00

It takes the wind out of you and knocks you on your literal knees. They didn't do anything. At the time, you can't see it, you can't fathom it, but later, much much later, you're able to start comprehending that they were here for a reason. It takes peace and an open mind to be able to consider the idea at first but even then, you still fight with yourself...and God. To this day, I still do. Its been almost six years ago that my middle son died. In a way it feels like a million years but it also feels like it just happened and I can remember every detail when I put my mind to it. I don't like to do that very much because sadly, still, the hard times comes racing to my mind far more quickly than the happy times. I'd say I'm probably still coping with Lucas' death. Maybe always will be.

When I hear that a child has died, a part of me shuts down for a little while. I go there. I wish I didn't but maybe it's a natural reaction. I had some friends who were there for me, right there, and I pushed them all away. Far far away. I wanted no one to help me, I wanted no one to reach out to me, I was so angry. I don't think I was angry with them but suddenly, I was truly very angry. I morphed into someone else, probably a bitter person at first, just snapped at anything and became overly obsessive about the safety of the Oldest. I always have been more mother hen anyway but when Lucas died, it multiplied ten fold, I think for both my husband and I. Think that part has never gone away. I cannot even begin to imagine losing another child and if it's something I can help or prevent, and I didn't, well, I think I'd just die. Literally. Cannot go through that again. Funny so many people always said and still say I'm so strong. Nothing could be further from the truth. Weak, weak, weak. So weak.

Current day I've morphed again. I'm more at peace with myself and probably to some extent do think I've accepted what happened to Lucas. Sure I still cry and get upset but my guess is that is normal. It's certainly way less than it used to be and I find that reassuring. We still graple with certain things that come up for the Oldest and the Littlest' sake and we all openly talk about Lucas, even though the Littlest never met him he absolutely knows he existed and that he's in Heaven now. He can't comprehend more than that at this point. I'm more focused on giving back just because it's the right thing to do. I don't think I ever was on that plane before Lucas was born or died. I can say that I wasn't even close to being that enlightened. Ignorance was bliss I suppose but not in a literal way, just wasn't there, had no clue. For me, doing kind things, unexpected things, giving back is freeing and so gratifying. I think in my mind, whatever little things I'm doing are all in the name of Lucas, somehow, someway, he guides me like that. It's so extremely hard to explain. I just know that it makes people better. Makes them happy. Makes them smile, even if only for a moment. I'm no saint. I know that. But just a changed person.

Guess it's true in this life we all change as we age. I've had certain things that have changed my life, mile markers if you will. I can look backwards and see them clearly and realize that after passing those mile markers, I took sharp turns or a long winding road to sudden realizations. It's so metaphorical but yet, so literal.

When you lose a child, no one can tell you what to do or how to feel. You have to do it yourself. You have to go through it alone, even if you have your soulmate right by your side the entire time. You are two different people and deal with things so very differently. That is absolutely normal. Allow each other that. It's ok. I had to learn that in the moments I was sad, he might not have been and vice versa. You have to walk the hard road by yourself. I did not allow much support because I'm stubborn like that. I advise you do, but then, it's whatever you need in your life. Only you know. I pray a lot. I always did. Even when I was mad at Him. Its cathartic. I prayed for the strength I never had and so desparately wanted. Prayed for many things. Just because you ask, doesn't mean you'll get it. That's part of the journey isn't it? You can't be handed things, or I just suppose you'll never learn. We may not know the meaning of Lucas' death till we're standing in front of God but until that day comes, six years later, maybe, just maybe, I'm more at peace about it. Watching the last breath of life leave his little body in that big hospital bed after four months of fighting was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life bar none, but I lived through it. What I thought would kill me did not. Know that.

Just know that.

Things I love about us

2009-07-17T20:25:00.004-04:00

No matter what goes on, no matter the stresses that are directly around me, stuff I'm dealing with, all of that is inconsequential. We have this one life, right? I mean, this is all we have. This. Right now. Here. Look around you, wherever you are. That is what you have. This is what I have. Lately I am really truly comprehending the good things. Funny thing, money has zero zero --sub zero to do with it. Here are some things I am very grateful for in spite of tough things I face every day, situations and feelings, despite it all.

1. I love that we eat dinner together every night as a little family.
2. I love that we sing a prayer together every night before we eat that meal together.
3. I love that during that dinner, we talk, have big and little conversations, play games and laugh. We turn off the TV, sometimes my honey plays nice music in the background, but no TV. Dig it.
4. That regardless of this past year, we have all grown closer. I thought we were close before. It's funny what different stages of life can teach you.

This current stage is very humbling yet I'm surprisingly ok with it. More than ok, I'm appreciative because it's taught us who we really are. There are no cracks in the footing around here. If there were, the cracks would have grown into gaping holes. I love our family and I love who I know we are. It's pretty cool.

These Boys

2009-07-12T16:07:00.004-04:00

I am loving these boys getting along today. Laughing and laughing hard with each other. I keep trying to listen in to their conversations but I can't ever catch what it is. Sometimes they get along fabulously and laugh with each other for days then the next moment they are screaming and fighting and instigating beyond belief. This morning was chores, they helped out 110% and I thanked them. Encouraging that kind of behavior, loving all the getting along while it's here because my LORD in the blink of an eye it's OVA!

Guess that's how it is with siblings. I know. I know. I cherish the happy and grit my teeth for the other stuff. Teach them to respect and love and get through the brother stuff. Like Tammy said the other day, boys do say the funniest things. And they DO the funniest things. I mean, sometimes, I just sit there with my jaw hanging open like, 'did he just do that?'..yep, he did. He really did.

Long time ago, almost 20 years ago now, my honey told me to get ready for the ride of my life. He had no idea what he was saying when he said that. It really has been. I can tell, its not even close to being over. Like it. Love it. Cherish it. Very often I ache for the missing one, my missing puzzle piece, the gap in my heart...but I'm so very lucky to have these boys, and they keep our lives very full. Cry for a second and then get sucked like a vacuum into the here and now where I belong. As it should be.

July 4th

2009-07-06T15:21:00.001-04:00

Nice, relaxing, easy going day at home. Tiny bit of proof. :)

-J

Vinegar; Who Knew?

2009-06-29T19:06:00.003-04:00

A few uses for vinegar. I happened upon this on accident when searching for techniques to do a river rock mosaic on the fireplace. See how distracted I get? Suddenly I feel the need to share with all of you on my blog. Am completely off track from my original mission. Funny. Nevertheless, vinegar clearly can do many things I never knew it could. My MIL thinks you should gargle vinegar when you are getting sick but I digress....

Cleaning drains: Pour 1/2 cup baking soda in the drain, followed by 1/2 cup vinegar; the mixture will foam as it cleans and deodorizes. Use every few weeks to keep drains clean.

Mildew on plastic shower curtains: Put the shower curtain in the washing machine with light-colored towels; add 1 cup white vinegar to the detergent and wash.

Soap scum on shower: Spray on vinegar, scrub and rinse.

Toilet hard-water rings: Shut off water at the tank and flush to remove as much water as possible. Spray vinegar on the ring, sprinkle in borax and scrub with drywall sandpaper (really are there such rings that need borax and sandpaper? I don't want to know...)

Shower head deposits: Pour white vinegar into a plastic bag, tape to the shower head and leave overnight. Brush the shower head to remove remaining deposits.

Softening laundry: Fill dispenser with 1/4 cup white vinegar to soften laundry without leaving odors.

Cleaning vinyl floors: Add 1/4 cup vinegar to 1 gallon hot water for spotless floors.

Cleaning windows: Mix 50 percent white vinegar with 50 percent water in a spray bottle. Spray glass surfaces and wipe dry.

Neutralize pet odors: Mix 1 part white vinegar to 3 parts water. Pour on stained areas and blot; never rub to remove stains and odors.

Greasy dishes: Mix 2 tablespoons white vinegar to liquid dish soap to boost its cleaning power.

Connected Souls

2009-06-28T09:39:00.005-04:00

And just like that, in the blink of an eye, he sauntered over to me and asked me to marry him. With all the butterflies in my tummy and a yummy kiss, we made up.

You can be in a silent battle, or an all out argument but incredible how it can wash away with a snap of the finger. With us, it usually does. That's love.

Tiny Disclaimer: That is not us above. It does represent our essence and where we are right now. Very much so.

Age

2009-06-16T23:06:00.003-04:00

Now that my birthday has come and gone (safely) for the year, I can reflect a little. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I'm 39 years old. I certainly don't feel that age but there it is, I'm 39.

When I look backwards and think of the path I've taken and the ups (lots of them) and downs (they were really down) overall the balance is healthy. I can say that and mean it. I sometimes have to remind myself that I "think" I'm wiser than other folks because not always (lots always) is that the case. I can say that and mean it.

I've learned that kindness goes very far and is quite impactful. Simple things more so than big things. It has to be the kindness where nothing is expected in return. I've learned to be myself first but when that isn't work, fall into the ranks and flex it out. I've learned to try to say how I feel but at the same time, quiet works wonders too. I've learned that love conquers all, and it really does. I'm not just a hopeless romantic, I really know that is true. This past year has been proof of that. More proof of that really. If you have love with someone, you can get through anything. I have learned that.

I want success in this year. I want it to be a true precursor and a small successful skip into year 40. Because this year and that year, well, they will be very telling. I do believe all that I've learned up until this point will bound forward with tons of energy and positivity. A lot of talk, I know and the proof is in the pudding. If you do more giving than you do getting and you live simple and without much 'material', it's very rewarding. I have come to learn this too. I'm thankful for this life we have built and the way we live it. Call me altruistic, call me a dreamer, but I have become pretty comfortable in this skin of mine. I'm liking it and it fits me pretty well.

-J

Mack Daddy Prize; Quick Kid Clean Up

2009-06-14T09:17:00.010-04:00

Who knows where this idea came from. My brain. In the deepest, darkest, depths of my brain. I really think it came from desparation. I looked around the downstairs of our house and realized there were tiny toys, big toys, toys everywhere. I.had.had.enough. I got two big tupperware bowls out and I called the troops in. Oldest and Littlest, come here. Blew the whistle and gave the command.

"There will be a contest" I declared.

They came running (really, they actually did). I gave the rules.

1. You have two minutes to pick up as many toys and items that you can. If its on the floor, you can pick it up. DVD covers, paper, it all counts.

2. Whoever collects the most items in this bowls gets a Mack Daddy Prize (imagine four little eyeballs lighting up).

3. Ready Set Go!

And they were off. It was like a miracle. It was Heaven to my eyes. They were happily and very quickly picking up their mess; unwittingly and without yelling or forceful voices they were cleaning up the little blah blah that is always part of the scenery around here. At the end of the two minutes, the downstairs looked like a normal house. Sort of clean, void of all the little 'cratcha' that you get used to in the day to day sometimes when things are busy. Just like that. In two minutes. Like magic. Then I panicked. OMG what will the Mack Daddy Prize BE? I had no idea. Think quick. It can't be a hug or kiss (like normal) they'll be FURIOUS. It can't be a piece of chocolate. This first time was so successful, I had to set a precedent. So in the FUTURE I could give a hug or kiss or piece of chocolate as a prize THEN. I had to make it good so when we do this really productive very fun task AGAIN, they'd be more apt to cooperate. :) And on cue the Littlest was latching on to my leg, "Mamma, Mamma, what is the Mack Daddy Prize do I get a Mack Daddy Prize????" This all happened so fast, I did not properly think ahead. To buy time I made a big to do about sitting down and counting the items to see who "won" (and think fast on a prize). First I made them give me their eyes, made sure I had their attention, and told them what they just did. Do Daddy and I play with toys? No! Who plays with toys, raise your hand. Their hands go up in 1.2 seconds. Yes, that's right kiddos, you guys just picked up your own mess, that you made, with your own hands. Grin! Again, it all happened so fast, they barely knew what they were doing and it was all dawning on them now. Grins all around. A huge 'aha' moment for them.

So then I begin counting the items in each bowl. Lo and behold, they each picked up 25 things. 25 things!!!!!! There were 50 little things here and there, tucked in corners, under chairs, in plain sight, all throughout our downstairs. That is amazing to me! Back to reality, now I realize I had to come up with 2 Mack Daddy Prizes. Thank GOD in the car, I had a bag of goodies which was supposed to be for a work meeting upcoming ( I know I need to replace them, no worries :)) and I ran out to get them. Came in and saved the day with a prize in each hand from the Dollar Tree. Happy happy joy joy all around. I have two bowls of little tiny toys that either need to be put away or tossed out (at my discretion if junk) but I love that I have two bowls of Already.Picked.Up.Toys.

Oh I can promise you, we WILL be doing this little task frequently around here. It works for US! My husband shot me a "great job" when all was done. That just sealed the deal. :)

Great Black Wasp Part II

2009-06-07T19:40:00.005-04:00

Somehow, every year, usually in summer, one gets in our house. Is this normal? Usually we first notice it by the fireplace. Dear God do not tell me we have a wasp nest in our fireplace and that they will slowly feed into the house this summer. I think, no, I know, I will have a heart attack. With all the drama I can muster up, I will surely have a heart attack. It's the same as last time, I go into freak out mode. I just know they want to kill me. I just know they are coming and making a *beeline* straight for my throat or heart, probably my heart.

Hands in the air, screaming for a man to help me (last time it was my Dad, remember?) and save me, I run, no bolt to a completely different part of the house, go into the bathroom with the Littlest and close the door till I hear all is safe to come out. Now, Dear God, I know for a fact I am teaching my children fear, but I truly cannot maintain my composure during these ordeals because I AM MORBIDLY AFRAID of bees, wasps, things that sting and fly. I cannot help it. No joking, all kidding aside, I really turn into a ditzy woman when confined in my own home with a wasp. My husband saved the day, I heard the deed and the throaty yell from him as he did it and then, I came out a composed, normal woman who happened to be holding the hand of my scared little three year old. Yep. I did.

Once when I was little, I was mowing the grass in the back yard, maybe I was ten or eleven, and a bee started chasing me (no, really, it wasn't just in my mind, he really did) and I let go of that lawn mower and ran for my dear life straight into a wire from a laundry line and about decapitated myself. Dead, right there I could have been all because a bee was chasing me.

God help me if one of these things actually stings me one day. I mean I really do not know what I'll do. I'm sure it won't be pretty.

Randomy

2009-06-06T17:00:00.003-04:00

My favorite thing about summer is grilling out (ok, well maybe it's the beach and sitting in the sand making sandcastles and soaking up the sun but it's a close second). Grilling makes ANYTHING taste WONDERFUL. I'm trying my hand at beef ribs that my husband said would probably not be great on the grill. Here's what I did to them. Crock pot for 2.5 hours with beef stock/salt/pepper/soy sauce. Took them out and rubbed them down (like a serious rub) with brown sugar/paprika/garlic/chilli pepper and after spritzed light lemon on them. Put them in the oven covered with tin foil on 'warm' very low setting and getting ready to grill them now. They look FABULOUS. The color and rub look perfect and I can't wait to get them on the grill.

The Littlest passed out on the living room floor after a late night and early morning (sleepover with his brother which he thought was the coolest thing in the world (again) and swimming in the very frigid waters of our pool. He kept yawning, well, several times today. After a bath and he was warmed up, it got really quiet up front and I went to check him out and lo and behold, snoring there lay my passed out little bubba sprawled out and gone to the world. I will take a picture. The Oldest saw he was asleep and turned off the TV and covered him with a blanket, went up to his room to leave him be. Sweet boys. For now anyway. ;)

Cut my first flowers from the yard. They don't match but who cares. They're from my yard. I love growing things but you know this already.

Off to the grill! Nummy!

Wicked

2009-05-31T00:26:00.002-04:00

If you can catch it, catch it. The play is fantastic and you will love it. It's witty and entertaining, you laugh and you care about the characters. It's the story about how the Wicked Witch of the West became 'wicked'. It's good. It's awesome. It's wicketory. ;)

Loved it.

-J

President Barack Obama

2009-04-25T09:56:00.005-04:00

Please know that the below letter is NOT written by me nor advocated by me. It was sent to me by a relative via email. I want to say this to the below letter. These are my words, my thoughts, the red below are not. Maybe scroll down and read the letter first to get the gist.

Guess in my mind we need to give him more than four months to see how he does. I'm pretty open. Voted for George W. Bush both times myself. I'm not only a Democratic voter... decided this time that John McCain was going to be a basic extension of GWB and knew that wasn't working...

I read the letter below, agreed with a few things, disagreed with a few things but overall feel in true fairness, don't the American people, now that he's President, need to give him a fair shake to see how he does? Maybe not. Maybe its best to bash the hell out of him and his administration and create the most negative atmosphere possible. I remember when GWB was not doing so well, particularly in his 2nd term and towards the end, no one was really allowed (in comparison to what I'm seeing now towards Barack Obama) to speak out in such ways towards the President. I never got emails like this and our country back then was well on this track of going to Hell in a handbasket. GWB is the one who drove us right to the door we're at now. And Barack Obama has been in office all of four months and HE'S the problem? I don't get it. But then again maybe I'm sheltered and ignorant. It's probably that.

I say give him a real chance. It seems only fair. He signed up for this big job, we didn't. I know I could never do it. Could you? Kudos to him for trying different things and not subscribing to the same ways that got us here. Certainly Barack Obama did not get us in this mess. I'm sure we could all agree on that. I have things that I haven't agreed with him on but what is the point of bashing or continually dredging it up? If we can get our country back in a generally positive direction at some point in the near future, that will be a good thing. We won't all agree on everything and that's human nature. That's what makes the world go round I believe. I'm probably wrong on that too.

Mr. Obama:

I have had it with you and your administration, sir. Your conduct on your recent trip overseas has convinced me that you are not an adequate representative of the United States of America collectively or of me personally.

You are so obsessed with appeasing the Europeans and the Muslim world that you have abdicated the responsibilities of the President of the United States of America. You are responsible to the citizens of the United States. You are not responsible to the peoples of any other country on earth.

I personally resent that you go around the world apologizing for the United States telling Europeans that we are arrogant and do not care about their status in the world. Sir, what do you think the First World War and the Second World War were all about if not the consideration of the peoples of Europe? Are you brain dead? What do you think the Marshall Plan was all about? Do you not understand or know the history of the 20th century?

Where do you get off telling a Muslim country that the United States does not consider itself a Christian country? Have you not read the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution of the United States? This country was founded on Judeo-Christian ethics and the principles governing this country, at least until you came along, come directly from this heritage. Do you not understand this?

Your bowing to the king of Saudi Arabia is an affront to all Americans. Our President does not bow down to anyone, let alone the king of Saudi Arabia. You don't show Great Britain, our best and one of our oldest allies, the respect they deserve yet you bow down to the king of Saudi Arabia. How dare you, sir! How dare you!

You can't find the time to visit the graves of our greatest generation because you don't want to offend the Germans but make time to visit a mosque in Turkey. You offended our dead and every veteran when you give the Germans more respect than the people who saved the German people from themselves. What's the matter with you?

I am convinced that you and the members of your administration have the historical and intellectual depth of a mud puddle and should be ashamed of yourselves, all of you.

You are so self-righteously offended by the big bankers and the American automobile manufacturers yet do nothing about the real thieves in this situation, Mr. Dodd, Mr. Frank, Franklin Raines, Jamie Gorelic, the Fannie Mae bonuses, and the Freddie Mac bonuses. What do you intend to do about them? Anything? I seriously doubt it.

What about the U.S. House members passing out $9.1 million in bonuses to their staff members - on top of the $2.5 million in automatic pay raises that lawmakers gave themselves? I understand the average House aide got a 17% bonus. I took a 5% cut in my pay to save jobs with my employer. You haven't said anything about that. Who authorized that? I surely didn't!
Executives at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will be receiving $210 million in bonuses over an eighteen-month period, that's $45 million more than the AIG bonuses. In fact, Fannie and Freddie executives have already been awarded $51 million - not a bad take. Who authorized that and why haven't you expressed your outrage at this group who are largely responsible for the economic mess we have right now.
I resent that you take me and my fellow citizens as brain-dead and not caring about what you idiots do. We are watching what you are doing and we are getting increasingly fed up with all of you. I also want you to know that I personally find just about everything you do and say to be offensive to every one of my sensibilities. I promise you that I will work tirelessly to see that you do not get a chance to spend two terms destroying my beautiful country.

Sincerely,

Every real American

Again disclaimer that this was NOT written by me. The letter in red was sent to me from a relative.

Today

2009-04-22T20:16:00.003-04:00

It's always a meaningful day isn't it? I have it all burned forever into my mind.

Six years ago today, we handed Lucas over to that ill fated OR Nurse. Hate that. Hate that Lucas' Doctor, his Surgeon, was the one he was. Hate that he didn't fall and break his ankle that day so another Surgeon could have filled in for him. Hate that the Nurse told me he'd be fine as she took him from me, she lied, and she didn't even know she was lying. Hate that she didn't bang her toe and drop the baby, a broken arm on Lucas would have maybe been better than what he was about to live through for the next four months.

Earth Day. For me, it's Heaven Day. Every time I hear someone say Earth Day like it should be celebrated, I don't knock that it should, I simply have other thoughts in my head to counter it.

So much. Lots and lots. But nothing.

Now, as I hear the boys playing Hulabaloo and laughing and being silly, I know this is the way it was supposed to be. This IS life. This IS the way it was supposed to be, simply because this is the way that it IS. For all the zillions of dollars in the world, the set of circumstances we were handed back then could not be changed. They were our fate. That Earth Day I sat in the big OR Waiting Room making hand made Baptism Invitations for the official baptism we'd have after Lucas recovered. Thank God we had him baptized in our church, just Ivan, John, Grace and myself present with the Deacon. Thank God for that. Little did we know in the same room he was baptized, he'd be laid to rest and left for others to come pay their respects just about five months later. Funny how life works isn't it?

Life is life. Let life be life. Just let it be. Don't fight it. Don't have to make it perfect. Don't need to make others be a certain way, the right way you think is right, just live it. If you spend all of your time trying to make it just so, you end up missing the show. You end up missing life. Missing lots of boats. I have learned that even though I'm anal and have to have my just so things, I also have bent. I also have laid back. I have tried like hell not to pack my plate full. Leave it empty a little. Let life be life. Because we lost Lucas, anything else would be just sad. Sadder. It's time to cherish what is here.

Happy Earth Day.

Happy Heaven Day.

--Jenn

Thoughts; Random and Not So

2009-04-11T16:56:00.004-04:00

It's been a month since I've been here and written. Sometimes it's just like that. Too many things that take up my time have taken priority. And so it goes....

I like my life. I have arranged it just so. We have arranged it just so. We have enough. We have enough love, we have enough things, and we are busy enough. Could always have more, but why...when we have enough?

I do not overload my plate anymore. Sure, I'm as busy as that woman up there, but what mom isn't? I have learned how to say no. I might want to do something and be in charge of that thing---- but I hear the voice that says, "you have enough, maybe next time". I know my limits and they just are what they are. Each day brings a new realization and sometimes I think to myself, "well my God, why didn't I think of that before?" but on the whole, my plate is full enough. I feel I'm living life and enjoying it as it was meant to be. Well...but for one small thing which I'm making my way towards this year, but other than that, my plate is nicely filled. When I feel things start hanging off and the stress level rise, I pull back. Not worth it. Not at all. I see some running the rat race and sometimes negatively so, and I watch and listen, trying to learn, always.

For someone who has lost a child, it all has been put in perspective. I'm fully aware of my neighbor who has lost a child and I'm keenly intuitive to her moods (as I see her in the yard or driving away or a quick hello) and I know. I know. And so it goes. Life does move on and we have a choice.....mine is not to pack my time with things all at once.

I am beginning to like my life and all the things in it. I really am.

Summer Time

2009-03-10T20:07:00.002-04:00

When I think of summer, I become happy. Summer time is the ultimate freedom isn't it? It's loud music in the car. It's barefeet and stubbed toes. It's nursery rhymes from the ice cream truck you can hear coming for what seems like miles. It's warm nights and hot days with sweaty arm pits that no amount of deodorant can correct. It's chlorine laden hair from too many days in a pool. Tan little sun kissed faces and red bathing suit marks where mamma missed the sunblock. It's the smell of sunblock that I love more than anything.

Summer means life and fun and freedom. Flowers that have bloomed earlier in the Spring bring much joy to my heart and I love cultivating and helping them maintain their color and beauty. I actually look forward to watering and feeding them, I lose myself in it and could be outside for a lost two hours of the day just doing that. Getting dirt in my nails and on my knees. I'm not so keen on weeding but it gets done. I really throw myself into weeding a good 2-3 times a spring/summer. It needs it more but that isn't my favorite thing in the world so I let it go until I can't take it anymore. Sometimes having the hose out, watering the flowers turns into washing the car and before I know it, hours have flown past in the hot sun.

I'm looking forward to another summer of fun with the boys. As they grow even older, almost 10 and 4, we can go and do more things, they are more independant and I can relax just a little more. I don't think I'll ever relax fully ever as a parent, I can't let myself. Always feel like the other shoe might drop and I can't let my guard down fully but I see fun times, loose days and tons of freedom ahead this summer. Very much looking forward to it. Summer time, my favorite season is right around the corner. Throw in some beach days and call it done. I'm yearning for it all. I think it brings out the best in me. I'm a summer girl. Absolutely am.

Growing More..

2009-03-09T18:39:00.002-04:00

Park, picnic, nature trails, running them till even we got tuckered out. But man, look how they are growing. It amazes me every day. Truly does. In particular, the Oldest. He has morphed before my eyes. Yesterday he said, "Mom, I'll be the mature one, ok? I'll help you." I was stunned. He thinks like that? Growing up. They both are.

-J

Love Dare

2009-03-08T22:58:00.003-04:00

Marriage. Patience. Kindness. Those three words are intertwined together in inexplicable ways. "No one likes to be around an impatient person. It causes you to over react in angry, regretable, and foolish ways....patience stops problems in their tracks" This is an excerpt from the book called Love Dare. I could take a lesson from it.

Just saw the movie Fireproof. Completely unexpected but stopped me in my tracks. I think my husband and I have a very strong relationship. Sure, troubles come and go but no person is perfect, not me, not him. We both have a willingness to move forward and grow old together and it all comes down to that. Though I know our relationship is solid and we are both committed, this movie had some very important messages; not just for us but all couples.

Highly recommend this movie.

It's good. It's worth it. Very eye opening. No more words. Well, but for this. Love dare.

Happy Birthday Tammy

2009-03-02T19:32:00.004-05:00

I hope you get treated like a birthday Queen tomorrow and lots of little goodies and treats come your way. It's well deserved, you work hard and do a lot for all your boys. I for one wish I was there to wish it in person but this will have to do.

You are a special person to me and I often wistfully think it would be more fun if we lived closer together. We'd probably get into lots of trouble together, have little spats, get over them, roll our eyes at each other for how different we are and then laugh about it all in the end. Friendship. I think it's golden that we have kept it after all these years and so far apart. I appreciate all you bring to my life even though atypical since miles split us.

Love to you birthday girl. I'm right behind you in a few months, we are neck and neck. :)

Jenn

Been a while..

2009-03-01T19:12:00.003-05:00

Sometimes my weeks fly by and the next thing I know, seven days has disappeared just like that. Last week was just one of those weeks. I blinked and it was Friday. I blinked again and here it is, Sunday night. Phew. Just.slow.down.

We all cram our time with tons of things, I'm very guilty of that same thing. Empty day on the calendar? Can't have that. Fill it up. No empty days. Wonder why that is. It's our culture. It's in my bones too. And, I have subconcious reasons to not be idle too long.

The first week of the month is always killer for me and this coming week will be no different BUT I'll be prepared and more prepared so it will go smoothly and no stress.

Right now I just want to crawl into bed and fall asleep. Not put the boys to bed, not work on the volunteer board stuff, not do the lease renewals, not watch TV, just go to bed right now. That is actually a very funny thought. I'm chuckling a little at the thought. I bet if I did that, the boys might not get to sleep till late.

Maybe it's going to snow tonight. I think it's too warm to stick, but they say it will. hmmm. I hardly ever believe the poor weathermen. They just can't get it right this year. Poor things.

It's a Secret. Shhh.

Rambling tonight. Ramble on down the road. Peace out.

Life life life

2009-02-22T08:47:00.003-05:00

I have so many interactions with different people, friends, and really good ones. I don't take anything for granted. I feel the moment and I cherish the time. My perspective demands it, it's the norm for me now. It's the only way to be. Live in the moment but look forward to the new ones, no looking back. You can't change anything. You could try, you could pay someone off, you could wish it and will it but you cannot change the past. You can barter with God, if you think that'll work, you could beg him to strike you dead, it won't change the thing you want it to. Or the things. Having learned that in the span of five years, I only look forward. When I catch myself looking back, I feel it and pull my head forward. Ahead. Now. The future.

Last night went out with the girls and at some point we talked very openly about Lucas. I never cried. Not one tear. Only once was there a fear of a tear and it passed, it never fell. I saw tears in their eyes and I was still strong. We talked about so much, but on the topic of Lucas, we went there. There and back. This is the conclusion I think we came to...and I am the one who said it...well, let me tell you what preceded it first....someone said, "If I knew my child was born and taken too early and there was no reason or it wasn't pre determined already when she was born the day she was going to die then I couldn't take it. If it was senseless, I couldn't take it." I knew what she was saying. She was saying, 'don't let it have been in vain'. I agree. I so whole heartedly agree. Don't let Lucas' life have been in vain is the feeling that pumps through my heart and body every day since he died. And I'm not exxaggerating. To that I said, "Maybe, just maybe, Lucas was born so that doctor would not be able to operate on any other babies after him. That sucks doesn't it? But yes, maybe that was the reason for his life." Well. To say that out loud, to them, after two margaritas and no tears? I have no idea, but there you go.

I feel the reasons for his life were more than that though. While that is maybe the biggest reason, there is also purpose, and love, and hearts having grown bigger and the strength that he unwittingly gave us both during his life and after it. Hopefully there is also friends and family learning not to take their children for granted-ever. By watching us, hopefully they learned that. There's a lot of reasons Lucas was here. And you know, who am I to say I know the reason for his life? I'm sure God will set me straight on that one day as I stand before him. I'm so omnipotent aren't I? No. Not even close. These are things I feel may be right, but I defer to God on it. I know I'll find out one day.

Love your life, it's yours. Enjoy your life, no one else can. Don't fret over how hard you have it, it could always (always) be worse. Take time for yourself, if you don't, no one else will make you and you'll be no good for anyone, including yourself OR your family. I say learn from events in your life and look ahead for ways you can improve and give back because of what you have learned.

I hope that is the right way to be. I can only hope.

Fun Times

2009-02-20T19:12:00.002-05:00

Here we all are at Chuck E Cheese. Funny angles but it's a little tongue in cheek anyway, isn't it? We took the boys to CEC on Valentines Day. What were we thinking? Well, we were thinking how much they'd love it. And they did. Me, notsomuch but them, yes. It was my honey's idea. He's good like that.

Tonight we did a fun thing and had breakfast for dinner and to add to that, we had a picnic in the living room. The only thing missing was our PJ's. Should've had those on.

Lots on my mind lately but good stuff. Will come back later to let it all out. The Littlest is yelling and I must go intervene. Phewy.

-J

Love Day

2009-02-14T08:14:00.003-05:00

To you and yours, spend the day showering the ones you love and cherishing them. Maybe to some it's hokey, but I think it's not. It's a day to take a time out and remember the little things. Little things are all it takes if you have the big stuff already. And I'm not talking about material things. Happy Valentines Day everyone.

To my honey, you already know how I feel. To the moon and back. Always and forever.

Love to you!
Jenn

Fantastic Weekend.

2009-02-01T22:01:00.002-05:00

I am looking forward to more games with the boys. Football season 2009 will be fun. We have season passes to a local college who is doing their start up program this year. I think the Littlest is starting to come around to listening a bit better in public, not running away, and understanding he has to stay close even though deep in his heart he is a very free soul. I'm hoping as the summer comes and goes, that will improve even more. He did well at the b ball game the other night so I think good things are on their way in that department.

Had lots of fun. Today was nice too. My honey's birthday was yesterday so we've been showering him with lots and lots of love and treats this weekend. The cheapy things are the best I think. Maybe when our bank account overfloweth the expensive things will be fun then too but for now, we are thankful for any little thing.

Not digging Bruce Springsteen for half time. He was good, he did what he does best but I'm just not that into him. Which brings me to the movie I want to see, "He's Just Not That Into You". Can't wait.

Ok I've rambled long enough. Happy Birthday Ivan. I love you to the moon and stars. Always.

Jenn

Life..... and Death......

2009-01-31T13:42:00.002-05:00

This has nothing to do with Lucas. So you know.

Someone I knew from a long time ago, would consider her an old friend, died last Friday. I found out on Wednesday. The viewing was that night. Found out and went on the same day. Not much time to process. She was only 58 and died of cancer. Evil cancer. Immediately said I would go to the viewing. As the time drew closer, I chickened out and decided I would not. My husband had another idea and insisted I go; right thing to do and all that.

I have told this story many times but if not for her, quite possibly my honey and I might never have met. He has lots of times given her credit for 'us'. You know those people in your life who come and go, have tons of meaning, serve a certain purpose that you don't realize until you look backwards? She was one of them. When I saw her through the years afterwards, we'd always stop and talk, catch up, give hugs, and walk away (I think, at least on my part) glad we had touched base again. She was a go getter, lots of energy, a mover and a shaker, never sat still for long. To see her that night in that casket....well....it didn't seem real. Not even close. I was upset throughout the day and had been crying (of course) before I even got there. I brought an old photo album with lots of pictures of us being silly and even a couple with her and her oldest daughter.....I wanted to share these old memories and thought it apropriate. I ended up giving them all the pictures they wanted; they took all but two. I was glad I brought them. Her oldest daughter left me one with her mom and my husband and one with me and her mom. As I stood there and said a prayer by her side, with tears silently running down my face, I knew there was a higher power. I felt it to my core. And I knew she was there, right there. I'm all twisted with death and why it happens and when it happens and just all screwed up with it. I sometimes feel the person never died. I felt that again. I was more visibly upset than her two daughters but I knew they were being strong for their "Mommie"...grown girls in their 20's/30's. My visit was quick enough but hopefully meaningful.

I went to honor you, Betty. I think you were taken too soon. But God thought that was the exact right time. I suppose that's how death is. We never know when it will come, but we know it will come. For me, it's the reason I really try to live my life right. The whole kindness thing. The whole volunteer thing. Helping others blah blah. It's really not blah blah to me but you know what I mean. I still have visions of her like that in my head and that is one of the reasons I did not want to go. Would rather have remembered her the way she was the last time I saw her but so it goes. Can't really control that and it is what it is.

Life is beautiful and meant to live out loud. Remember what is most important. Death isn't the end, I know that. It doesn't mean we can't be sad about it. This is the part I struggle with the most. I envy those that are happy at funerals, who think that it's a celebration. I realize it is a time to celebrate that person's life, I know that to my core but I get caught up in the 'they're gone' part. I'm all messed up with God on that part. I continue to work and get it right...I guess that's the path of life. Figuring it out and striving to do it right...staying on the right path...sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard. Would be no fun if not a challenge, right?

You will be missed, Betty. Even though I didn't see you all the time, I will tell you that you will be missed. Fly with your beautiful wings, fly fly fly. Big hugs to you.

Jenn

The Keyboard

2009-01-29T21:33:00.002-05:00

Well thank you Santa! Thank you SO MUCH for bringing this awesome keyboard into our house for the Oldest. My goodness, it is the source of much joy, much music, much MAYHEM, and thousands of ARGUMENTS already. And a month has barely passed since he got it.

Whatever the Oldest has, the Littlest must have too. We're in luck! The Littlest got a Melissa and Doug bang 'em out piano last year so wala! He can just use that one along side his big brother; right? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. They argue over that thing and it really has come to be the source of much drama. They are learning to play songs, thanks to their Daddy who patiently shows them the way and so it's a competition. I feel bad because the gift was for the Oldest and the Littlest does have his own but they both want the same thing. So I mediate and often bargain with one to help the other and so it goes with siblings I suppose.

Tonight, we were all upstairs and the Oldest wanted to put on a 'show' with the latest little song he taught himself. So we all three are the audience and the Littlest sat patiently and clapped at all the right moments but when it was all over, he wanted to mimic his older brother. The Oldest did not really want to give him the keyboard but he did, with a little prodding from the peanut gallery. It was agreed just one song for the Littlest as it was bedtime anyway. One song turned into two songs (his version of 'songs'-but note he can play first verse of Jingle Bells for real) and then it got out of hand. As the Oldest literally was trying to pull the keyboard from the Littlest as he played (as.he.played) one thing led to another and there was a tantrum, tears, slamming doors and a very stubborn nine year old stomping down the hallway to his room. Gracious. The Littlest followed his brother to his room and slammed the door. Gasp. What in the world? My husband went to the door and listened and it went something like this:

Oldest: Next time if you want to play with MY keyboard you just have to ask nicely (but he was saying it in a baby voice which he has been known to do when talking to the Littlest even though he's three)
Littlest: Talk like a big boy (in a commanding voice)!
(insert loads of laughter from my husband and I who stood outside with our ears to the door) then...the door opens and the Littlest stands there giving us a very forlorn look like 'how dare you be standing there listening to us!' and he slams the door again. To which my husband and I fall into fits of laughter again (PPS, I know, I know). My honey says to me, "we are ants in their world and they crush us" and that made me laugh harder. I needed this laughing. I have needed it. So basically we are listening outside the door and they are working it out, talking like big boys and wala, whaddya know? The door opens calmly and I say to them great job for talking it out (no laughing anymore you'll be pleased to know) and I high five them both. They give each other hugs and kisses and I give them more praise about way to go, great job working it out blah blah they feel all wonderful and all is well.

The keyboard. It's given us great smiles and happiness. Lots of laughs. Lots of fights. And plenty of tears. I wonder if it will even make it past month two. I will not be surprised if it gets broken in a tug of war. Sometimes I think we need the Super Nanny around here. Really. I would welcome her with open arms. Even if she told me after an assessment that we are normal, I'd be thrilled to know that. Because something way down deep tells me we are not. Just a small voice. Tiny. Little little............barely a squeak...wait, I can't hear it anymore, ok it's gone. We're normal then. Phew.

Bloggy Bloggerson

2009-01-29T21:29:00.003-05:00

Sometimes the words overfloweth and sometimes the words are like a needle in a haystack; hard to find. It just depends on the moment I suppose. Lately I have much to say and millions of thoughts and emotions running through me.

This platform has come to be a saving grace for me and my mental incapacities. I am thankful for this place called my blog and I am mostly grateful I am a Bloggy Bloggerson. I made the name up. If someone else uses it; I'll sue.

Kidding. But I better get the credit. ;0-)

Nuff said.

Over It

2009-01-25T19:33:00.003-05:00

I really dislike sports right now. I really dislike when people feel they must yell at the TV. I'm not namin' names. But you figure it out. I'm over it.

I'm just sayin'.

Vicks, Feet, and Coughing

2009-01-23T22:24:00.003-05:00

Ok. So call this an experiement. Call it what you want. I have also researched the heck out of this and see lots and lots of stuff on it. Almost ten to one shows it works. Far far more folks say it works and once or twice I've seen someone say it does not work. Actually only twice. Besides those two folks, everyone else and everything else shows it works. Here is the idea:

Child or adult (not infant) is sick with cold. Lots of night time coughing that keeps them up. They are uncomfortable, miserable and not getting good sleep. Particularly in children, this is distressing, often more so for the parents than the child but nonetheless....bothersome for all. Want a way to comfort, help, and stop the coughing? Want to sleep more soundly knowing your child is sleeping more soundly even with a cold? Rub Vicks on their feet and put socks on over it (I think mainly this helps to make sure the Vicks doesn't get all over sheets and to keep it in place etc). Within 5-10 minutes the coughing will usually cease altogether. Not sure why, just know it works.

This has been my experience the past three nights with the Littlest. He has a good old fashioned cold going on. Lots of night time coughing on the first night. Enter Vicks and socks to cover. Five minutes later, coughing 100% done and he slept like a baby (no pun intended) the rest of the night. Not even any coughing in the morning after waking. ---Second night, same thing. Night three; tonight, I did it proactively before bedtime and wala, not one single cough, nothing. He is sleeping so hard I hear him breathing calmly and soundly in my room as I type.

I put it on my feet last night to see how it felt. I did that just before 8 pm. 8:15 was the last time I looked at the clock. I laid down and never got back up till 6:30 am. I won't say it made me drowsy but for whatever reason I passed out almost immediately and slept like a rock. Hmm.

Vicks. Who knew. ---------------------Vicks, Feet, and Coughing. It works. At least from my standpoint it does. Thanks Minnie for telling me about it last Fall. It's kind of like the coolest miracle ever for the little ones. It's a good thing.

Just Takes A LittleTime...

2009-01-21T20:24:00.003-05:00

So how about tonight at volunteering (me and the Oldest volunteer once a month at a local Assisted Living Home) I got a little mad. We do an Ice Cream Social when we go and it's been close to a year now that we've gone. They have gotten to know us, love the kids (Oldest is not the only one in our group we have come to form), and love the ice cream. We have our favs :) and they get seconds if they want it. --Tonight I noticed a new resident. Ms. Ruth. She was sitting with her full plate of dinner in front of her and staring at the ground. I went to offer her a bowl of ice cream but didn't give it because I noticed her untouched food. Asked a nurse and she said 'you can try but she won't eat'. Hmm. In my world, that's a challenge.

I go over, and talk to her quietly to garner her trust. She has early onset Alzheimers the nurse said so my approach was gentle. She didn't understand it was dinner time. When I asked her if she was hungry she wouldn't answer me only asking me other questions and I could tell she was confused. More gently, I tried again. Would you like to taste the ice cream, I can help you with it...she finally agreed to try a small bite. I didn't want to force her so I was borderline timid at first. She kept asking what she was supposed to do next and it was obvious to me she needed help. I asked her name and we began to hit it off. She knew her name. I told her she was a sweet soul and that made her smile big. I was in. Guess what? With my help, she ate the entire bowl of ice cream. She realized how hungry she was after the first taste. As I sat on my knees on that probably very dirty cafeteria floor, I talked with her and fed her. Next up, the bowl of vegetable soup and she went through half of it. She wanted to know my name and she didn't want anyone around the table, paranoid of the lady cleaning up the table and even paranoid about the Oldest who came up to ask me a question one time. I would explain who folks were and what was going on and she was fine. My goodness, my heart was breaking. As I watched three nurses sitting and gossipping in the back corner I began to get angry. I wasn't angry to be doing what I was; just the opposite, it filled my heart and I was grateful to be helping her and for the experience. I was getting angry at them, that they just assumed she wouldn't eat. Look how easy it was for me to get her to eat!

I helped her drink her tea. I talked to her some more. She wanted to know when I was coming back. I wondered whether she would remember me next month. I cleaned her up and told her what would happen next; the nurse would come and take her to her room for the night then she'd come back in the morning for breakfast. Someone would help her. I hope. I left her table after about 20 minutes and made my rounds to chat with the other residents. Right before we left, I went back to Ms. Ruth to make sure she was ok and to say goodnight again and as I approached her she looked up and said, "Hi!" like she'd never seen me before. I don't think she'll remember me next time; it'll be a month till then. Doesn't matter. I'll do the same thing and gladly. In fact I may go once a week, just stop in and chat and check in on Ms. Ruth. See if she needs help eating her dinner. Just takes a little time. A little of my time, a little of the Oldest's time....,.I hope it goes a long way.

No Snow!

2009-01-21T16:14:00.003-05:00

So we were supposed to get a "dynamic snow storm" yesterday. Right. 8-12 inches. Oh, no, it'll be 2-5 inches.....check that 1-3 inches. How about NOTHING? Not even a quarter of an inch? How about few random snow flurries for one minute intervals every other hour or so?

Wish I could be a weather man and get paid for being wrong a lot. I suppose we live in the wrong part of the country for snow, really. But then the grass is always greener.....I suppose there are folks who live where it snows constantly who wish it never snowed, right Trace? :)

Just sayin': Dang, can't it snow like one or two good times every year for the kids? It's not ME, I don't want the snow (ahem) it's all for them. Phewy. The weather man said the air was too dry. My question, didn't they know that before they predicited a dynamic storm and cause four school systems to close without a single layer of snow on the ground? Just sayin.

-J

Secret

2009-01-21T07:29:00.004-05:00

I am reading The Secret. It's phenomenal. I highly recommend it. It shouldn't be a secret. It should be shared to all. All you have to do is buy the book. The rest is what you make it.

I plan on making my life even better. I am grateful for all that I have. I am boundlessly grateful for the boys and their health. I am grateful for our home. I am grateful for all the things we have in our lives. I not ashamed to say I want more. I already have the love and the inner stuff.

All that you need is an open heart and an open mind. Go get the book. After that, the rest is free. Your life is what you make it. If you think negatively and about things you don't want-like debt for example- you will just draw more debt to you. It's completely about thinking positive. It's a must read. In fact when I'm done, I'm reading it again. It's that life changing. Last night my husband and I watched the movie together. I can't force him to think a certain way. But I can introduce it to him...... If he does change his thinking, he does. If he doesn't, too bad for him. I think he's slowly understanding the power of this book; of the Secret within. Pretty cool stuff. I can't tell you how excited I am slowly becoming. It's not something where you can change your thinking in one minute, one night, or one week. Maybe one week...maybe so....but it's something you have to work at, and re train your thought processes. I'm telling you, go get it. I'm a fast reader, but this book I have been taking my time, my sweet time and reading and re reading parts. It's deep but it resonates with me like nothing else ever has. I've already 'tested' two things and they both came true, both things happened.

I don't want to keep it a Secret, I think it deserves to be shared. So I'm sharing.

--J

President Obama

2009-01-20T13:37:00.002-05:00

I couldn't have said it better myself than my good good friend Tammy did.

Go here. Simple and true.

http://jardna.blogspot.com/2009/01/today.html

-J

My Son, The Storyteller.

2009-01-20T10:33:00.005-05:00

Maybe he'll be a writer. Driven to communicate through written word; like me. I'm not sure. But he is comical and thinking and likes to tell big stories. He uses big words and sprinkles in extra words even when they don't make sense. And you just listen with bated breath and wait for the next words. And then you kiss his face. And you want to eat him up. I'm not talking about the Oldest. I'm talking about the Littlest. Here is an example:

"I just saw that bird mom and it was fast and very red. And did you see what he did mom? He was speedy and suddenly he went BAM! and then stopped and turned the corner and said 'choo choooooo' and it was like a train on the track!! Do you know where Spencer is? He's like a racecar bird, no actually, he's just a bird with big feathers and wings, right mom?"

Ok that is a sample and was just the one I remember the most but 'suddenly' and 'actually' get peppered in a lot. And I oh so love when I walk down the stairs and he says "Mom you look beautiful" because he's just three and he recognizes what he thinks is beauty (no snickers please) and can express it at will.

He's something. He loves to talk (hmmm wonder where he got that) and he loves to tell stories (hmmm again I better watch out as he gets wiser to use this to his advantage).

Now the OLDEST, well, he's far too wise. He's going to have 1000% capability to be an attorney one day; and a good one. He's my master manipulator. Um hm. I'm in trouble, arne't I? A story teller and a manipulator (said with love). Go ahead and give me the paddle. I'll start paddling up the creek now. I'll need a good head start. ........ and I'm off......

The Peach

2009-01-14T13:56:00.004-05:00

I was watching the circus show with Blagojevich, Governor of Illinois, last Friday when he did his press conference after he was impeached by his own State Senate. The oldest was sitting with me at the end as we watched CNN give it coverage. I felt compelled to explain to the Oldest on his level what was going on since he was sitting watching it so earnestly with me.

After I explained the best I could, finishing with the whole impeached deal, he looked at me. I felt it coming. I didn't know what exactly, but something odd was coming. He looked a tiny confused. He turned his nine year old head slightly to the side and he said, "Sooooooooooo.....are they gonna put im in a peach?" (like instead of saying "him in a peach" he said "im in a peach" cause he thought that was the right terminology, the guy is a guy so "im" fit in his mind and then the word peach. Hence impeach. Everything in me exploded with laughter but I kept in it, you'd be proud, I never flinched. I just reached out and ruffled his hair and said, "No buddy, it's just a word that describes that he is now able to be asked to step down if they think later he should. It's a word but he won't be put in a peach."

We had a busy weekend, had the cousins over and I never had an opportunity to relay the story to my honey. When I finally did on Sunday night, as I was able to say the story and the words out loud (sans the Oldest) it all came out, the laughter, the big belly laugh, the falling on the ground uncontrollably laughing. Realigning my intestines and all. Much needed laugh. I'm a big laugher. Not all things make me laugh like that. If it even tings my funny bone, I'm done.

So both boys came running in the room, 'what's wrong with mom?' as I lay LMAO on the floor literally and he told them I was laughing at the Peach and instantly the Oldest knew what I was laughing at (how smart and perceptive he is and no hurt feelings) and he joined in saying "Peach peach peach Governor of Illinois IMPEACH peach peach peach!!" and all the jibberish he was saying was making me laugh harder and finally I couldn't breathe.

Why do I get like that over silly things? It's all or nothing with my emotions. All the way or sub zero. Extreme like that. Phew. -----so two nights ago I'm getting the Littlest down and his room is quiet, the light is low, he's laying down, his Thomas story is playing on his CD quietly and suddenly, I burst out laughing. PPS. Poor parenting skills. I couldn't stop. And like a crescendo, it got louder and louder, more and more and he stood up in his bed and starting saying "the peach the peach the peach!!" and I was DEE OHH NNN EEE, D.O.N.E.

Oh people, I need lots of help. My poor kids. My poor husband. I make them whacky. I know I do. I fully admit it. Yes, poor Mr. Blagojevich is being positioned in a peach as we speak. ---Actually I think it's more like a pickle. ;o)

Would You Rather?

2009-01-11T17:15:00.002-05:00

Work out for one hour a day or be dead 24 hours a day? Seems morbid but saw this somewhere and thought; wow, makes sense to me. I'm on it.

Tight Shoes

2009-01-10T11:09:00.005-05:00

When we were in Philadelphia, there was a lot going on. I remember that Ivan and I tried to still always in our own small way exude kindness, smiles when we could, for sure little things because our own big things were taking over our own lives. I remember that well. There was one particular family who was there as long as Lucas was there. In fact, it's a very sad story. There were two sisters who were both healthy and growing normally. The oldest sister who was about 8 or 9 got a cold and somehow things turned from a simple cold to a bacterial infection in her heart. That's how we knew them. Lucas was in the CICU (Cardiac Intensive Care Unit) and so was she. I remember her name very well but will not use it, I'll call her Julia. Just because.

Julia's parents and grandparents were there constantly. Her grandfather in particular was extremely vigilant from what I recall. He was clearly to me, a very close second to the father as far as being in the lead of all the knowledge and contact with the doctors. He carried himself as the ultra patriarch. I tried lots of times to smile and say hello. I never wanted more. I had my own things swirling in my head. I was just trying to reach out, another human being going through the same thing with her child, just wanting to smile and say hello. At first I thought he didn't want to connect with anyone else (as he never looked anyone in the eye or spoke unless you were a doctor) because he didn't want conversation. Like me. I got that. But after a while, into the second month, it began to irritate me. Not sure why. I stopped trying to say hello to them, in particular the grandfather. I began ignoring them, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em and all that jazz. As the time wore on, our worries and Lucas' condition became more intense and I rarely spoke with anyone other than Lucas' nurse, his doctors, Ivan and the social worker at the hospital. Ivan is pretty laid back. He rolls along with most anything, nothing flusters him (except me :), and there isn't much folks can do to ruffle his feathers. --Julia's grandfather began to wear on Ivan and it was then that I knew, it wasn't just me. Let me explain further. There were lots of familes there. Some came and sadly left quickly. Without their child. Seeing this was surreal to me. I watched so many families leave without their children. Heard wails of grief and sobbing in Lucas' room and tried after a while to pretend I couldn't hear it. Pretend. Back then I couldn't see that he should be allowed to behave any way he wanted, as we were going through tough times, so was he, so was Julia's family.

One day Ivan said something to me that has stayed with us both for a very long time. He said that Julia's grandfather had tight shoes. I didn't get it. What do you mean? He was really saying that because he walked around so stoic and non smiling, unfriendly and all closed up, Ivan's perception that the nice old man's shoes were too tight all the time. That's why he couldn't smile. His feet must hurt. Walk a mile in my shoes and see if you don't act like I do, shutting the world out and making eye contact with not a soul I walk past. The mean grimace on my face is there because my shoes are too tight. I didn't even giggle. I just accepted, yes, his shoes are too tight. I knew they weren't. I just went along because partly, it seemed to make slight weird sense and also I think I was too tired to object and try to teach him a different way to think. And maybe, just maybe it seemed better to think that about him. To explain. We all need a little reaching out don't we? He didn't want it and I was rebelling. So let it be written, let it be done, the grandfather became Mr. Tight Shoes.

Julia passed away about a week and a half before Lucas did. I remember being in a place where I was wondering if it was time, if Lucas was giving us signs and signals but trying to ignore them and it was a real emotional battle every hour of the day. Julia and Lucas had been there the longest since we arrived and when she died and I saw all the commotion, the family falling on their figurative knees, then the empty room, I was shocked. I think I wrote about it way back then. I didn't think it possible. She just had a cold. How could this happen? I believe I began a real rant on God at that time, if I hadn't begun one before. Anger and more anger, even though her parents and Mr. Tight Shoes still wanted nothing to do with anyone, I could only focus on the little girl. And her sister.

Why am I telling you this? Well. Since then, Ivan and I have often said out loud, "that's just the road we walk, that's how our life is, always so hard." Different things life has handed us now and again, you know, just normal things that set you off track. One time, a couple years after Lucas died (now it's been five years to put it into perspective) I said to him, "Are our shoes too tight now?" and I didn't like it. I stopped saying it. I might have thought it out of habit every now and then but didn't like even that. Seemed like negative thinking but I couldn't really put my finger on it. Now I see that out of ignorance can come bliss.

I will never again even think something like that. I am replacing my negative 'why me' thoughts with good ones. I will tell you why in my next post.

One year when we went to the Candle Lighting in Philadelphia, the year I spoke in front of the crowd, we saw Julia's family there. The grandfather's shoes were still very tight. I hope one day they loosen up. For his sake. So Julia can know he is happy again. I wish for you loose shoes and a light heart. I am trying to adopt these same ways of thinking. It's not easy. Not by a long shot. But it's worth it. I think Lucas probably would agree.

Jenn

Greece

2009-01-08T21:22:00.004-05:00

One day I will go there again. I can't wait. I mean I really can't. It will be romantic and it will just be the two of us. My poor honey, he has no idea that we'll be going there for two weeks in six years. I'll tell him my evil (not really) plan soon. We'll have something to save for and look forward to. I think I will be in Heaven and not want to come home. The boys will be 15 and 9. I'll be so fine to leave them for two weeks. You don't think? What you think I'm too controlling? I'm too much of a worry wart? Hmph. Watch me. ;)

Where O Where Have I Been?

2009-01-08T21:15:00.002-05:00

Just took a little hiatus I suppose. Have lots of different things on my mind lately...

There are lots of people in my life I would love to be closer to. Its usually because of work or boys school/s that I cannot or it would be inapproriate. It makes me sad that I cannot. I've seen it happen so many times, things go wrong in those kind of relationships.

I really went outside of the lines one time and I'm glad I did. I took a huge huge risk, very unlike myself in that arena but I'm so glad I did because that person has turned out to be the friend of a lifetime. The kind of friend you would do anything for...and someone who I'm nothing like at first glance. You have to look deeper. That goes with anyone. You can't judge by the surface, to know what someone is like---let alone the visual surface. You have to take the time and learn the person. So glad I did that. If she and I had bumped into each other in a mall or anywhere both of us would have walked away thinking "snotty wasn't she" just because we seem nothing alike. The truth is we are so alike in lots of ways its somewhat scary..not in all ways..but a lot. She has made me open my life up in a few areas I had sealed like a vault. Re discovering myself in some ways. I will never be able to thank her enough for that. Hopefully she benefits from our friendship as much as I do.

I will seek out those people when my life is in a different place. I know exactly who they are. Think they are totally worth a good friendship. Just cannot show it to them. One day.....

Welcome 2009. I am ready for inspired change this year. I'm going to get, actively going out to get it. Watch me.

Christmas Cards...

2008-12-26T21:54:00.002-05:00

I love them. Love making them, sending them, and love getting them too. It's one of the last bastions of real human interaction; void of email or technology. It's a real effort on someone's part to say 'hello, hope you are well, thinking of you, sending love your way' type thing. Love that. In this day and age, there's too much fast fast and too much texting and emailing and not enough phone calling and sending notes on stationary anymore. I'm guilty of it as well. I know it all too well.

I usually make them. It's my favorite thing ever. If I have even a little time, I make it work, I start early and whenever I have a free second, I work on them in phases. For the last couple of years, I went with the now becoming tradition photo cards. This year, I pulled it out of my hat and decided in September or October, I would make them. In November I started and finished by the end of the month. I think they went in the mail on December 1st or 2nd.

My very good friend Tammy started a Christmas Card contest last year and I loved her concept and the time she took doing it. She did it again this year. Go to her site, check it out. I got "Overall Seasonal Best Card". :) I emailed her yesterday and said, "hey, are you guys doing that again?" cause I was dying to see all her cards and categories. She knows I'm nutty like that. Thank God she accepts me this way. ;) Here's a link.

Thanks Tamm for the shout out but more importantly, thanks because it's the little things like this that make all the difference sometimes. The most meaningful.

Love to you all and hope your Christmas was warm, peaceful, and whatever is important to you was held in it.

Jenn

Merry Christmas

2008-12-23T18:07:00.002-05:00

As this year comes to a close, I wish all of you the best now and in the upcoming year. I think it will be a hard one for the country but hopefully we'll all make it through and learn from it. Maybe it'll bring us all closer together.

Merry Christmas, hold your loved ones close and cherish these moments. We aren't promised anything and all of it is a pure gift.

See you on the other side.

It's always about money

2008-12-19T22:48:00.002-05:00

Isn't it? I'm just saying. Makes the world go round. Can make you sick to your stomach. Doesn't really matter at all when it comes to importance yet it's the most important thing if you need to pay your bills to live. I hate it. I hate that it matters. I hate that I love to spend it.

Relationships can crumble because of it. I'm not saying I'm there, I'm just saying, I can see why it could happen. It's always about the money.

UGO.

Ponzi

2008-12-15T15:49:00.002-05:00

How about that guy who ran a Ponzi scheme for billions of dollars? Where was the SEC? What in the WORLD? It's not like he hoarded away or lost $100,000! We're talking BILLIONS of dollars from several several charities, companies, and individuals. The guy is in his 70's and he admitted to his sons and they turned him in.

It makes no sense to me. Some work so hard for so little and some work so little and ruin it for all. I suppose he'll get his in the end but it will never be enough to repay all of that money or those lives he's ruined; including his family.

Just rotten and I'll never understand crazy stuff like that. Boggles the mind.

-J

We cannot forget...

2008-12-14T13:49:00.002-05:00

Every year on this night the world is quiet together at 7pm and lights candles in remembrance of all of those lost angels who have gone before us. Lucas is not the only one. He is my only one, but he is not the only one.

In the past we have gone to CHOP in Philly and participated in the ceremony. The last time we went, I stood in front of hundreds of people and read what I had written in his honor. I tried to be so strong, I willed myself not to cry. I wanted so badly to get through it without even so much as a tremble. Halfway through, the sobs came; they came in front of all those people. I had to stop, compose myself, looked out in the crowd, saw my rock, made eye contact, he held up his hand as if to give me strength and I continued till the end.

The last two years we have not gone because of the Littlest. He unwittingly would not allow for a peaceful gathering, he is quite the hurricane and very boisterous. I very much anticipate next year or the year after when we can begin going again. It's a trip very meaningful to me and quite worth the drive. Every time I drive into that city, heading towards the hospital (I could drive it in my sleep and can see it now), I feel I am coming home. I have said this several times before but I could live there, alone, and never be afraid. It's a sensation that just lives in me; something about the city. Hmm, wonder what it is. ......I know exactly what it is. It's him. It's Lucas. It's where we fought for him, it's where he fought for life, it's where we came to peace with his need to go, it's where we said our goodbyes. Philly is quite a place. I grew very strong there and didn't know it was happening. I became extremely independant in that city. I fell on my knees and hit rock bottom. I can remember sitting in an outer lobby up on the 7th floor looking down on the ground floor with all the people hustling and bustling, parents and kids and visitors, every now and then someone I had come to know would pass down there and I numbly sat and watched it all. The ache in the pit of my stomach and the lonliness that consumed me almost ate me alive. I remember thinking some very dark things back then. I sat and silently cried for some very long moments. Not caring who saw me or even realizing I should care. My husband trying to keep up and work back home, raising the Oldest and me, so far away, praying and watching the doctors every step of the way. My body became someone else's and I couldn't even see myself in the mirror. The weight I put on was invisible to me. When I see myself back then, I seem more than foreign, I seem unrecognizable to myself. All was put on the backburner for Lucas; and gladly so. He didn't win the fight and though his heart was put back right, the rest of his body couldn't catch up.

Tonight at 7:00 we will be silent. Say a prayer and light a candle. To say we miss him..well, that is an understatement. To say we love him..well, of course, and then some. I would build a tunnel and fill it with hugs and kisses straight to him if I could. One day........

and it will be a sweet reunion.

Creating a New Meaning of Success..

2008-12-13T22:24:00.004-05:00

We do it all the time. Most of the time without realizing it. When we are young, we have dreams. Sometimes the dreams come as we are older. They grow and morph and change, sometimes materializing out of thin air. If we are impetuous (as some are, certainly certainly not ME though), then our thoughts and whims come as quickly as they go. We reach and stretch and whisper our wants and desires to our dearest friends or loved ones. Sometimes we boldly state them with a margarita in our tummy and our best friend sitting across the table. It just depends.

Really, what IS successful? I mean, good grief, is it making $100,000 a year or more? Is it working your brain to oblivion and stressing yourself constantly AND making $100,000 simultaneously? Is it being a mom and all of the above at the same time? Is it being an author? Is it being a top chef? Is it being the President of a company, or better yet, the country? I have a feeling building success is what is important to you, the person it affects.

Are you a mom? Do you value the time you spend with your child on the floor, laughing, playing, chasing, teaching how to write their name, helping go potty, being a study partner at night, showing how to properly brush teeth, reading before bed? Is that your success? Do you spend a lot of time with your family? Do you say I love you a lot? What is a lot? Is it bad if you do? Can you say I love you too much? I'm all over the place here. Where am I going with this.....

I have aspirations. Things I want. Things keep happening, barriers present themselves and I quietly acquiesce. Take the easy road. Don't fight it. Create new meanings of success without realizing it. I know what success is to me...it's raising my boys and being here for my husband..it's walking tall and helping those I can..but my success that I will create later, I can see it, feel it, almost smell it....and it's up to me to make it happen. I have already acheived a high level of success in my life; I have love and trust and those two things are the base for the rest of it. I'm looking to the next level; the next chapter and what it will mean for us all. I'm looking forward to creating it and watching it blossom..that new meaning of success.

2009 is right around the corner and who knows what it will bring. I pray for good things but I will work for them too.

Dude!

2008-12-12T14:49:00.005-05:00

I have lost my keys. Dude, they're gone. Why do we have three sets of keys to begin with? For times like these? But I feel if we only had two, I'd be more motivated to never lose one set.

I lost the car in the parking lot the other night. Dude! That is NOT funny. I felt like a total idiot walking up and down all the aisles with my bags. Like every person who passed me couldn't tell I was panic stricken and hustling all over while it rained big fat rain like in Forrest Gump.

I have lost a present I bought for the Oldest. Can't find it anywhere. I remember thinking, "I need to hide this" and now I have searched high and low; cannot find it. Dude! Stop laughing. Don't even smile.

I have lost my mind; does that count? I can't find it anywhere and I think part of the reason is my brain must be shrinking. It thinks there is too much information in it and has now decided to repel any more therefore causing it to shrink into oblivion. Dude, I'm not even kidding.

There's too much, here and there, get this thing and that thing, volunteer here and there, wrap this and that, wash this load then that one, clean this bathroom, no wait, this one needs it more........to the tune of insanity sometimes. Women take on a lot. With a smile on their face. Bring it on, we can handle it. Then we get pissed when no one thanks us. How can they when we make it so natural and try to take over the world? The guys are like, "go on with your bad self and you must need no thanks from me you're moving too fast". Right? Yep. We create our own deals. I KNOW I do. But I still got that smile dude. Sure do.

The Holidays

2008-12-10T21:35:00.002-05:00

--I love the music.
--I love the lights.
--I love the generous spirit of folks and try to ignore the ones not so generous or happy.
--I adore my boys even more during this time, it's a 'moment' to reflect and shower with love.
--I love the peaceful nights (ok aside from racing boys through a messy house, you know what I
mean..
--I love the stress of getting it all done.
--I love making my cards on the years I do. I save a sample every time and put them in a special
place.
--I love making memories.

Been thinking lately. I cherish all those in my life, those that are similar and oh so different. I am grateful for all of you. We have a couple more weeks to go but Merry Christmas to you all. If it were not for our differences, we'd be a pretty boring bunch. :) The world goes round and round and round with all of our differences. As long as we can come together and appreciate them, all will be well.

Jenn