Life..... and Death......

This has nothing to do with Lucas. So you know.

Someone I knew from a long time ago, would consider her an old friend, died last Friday. I found out on Wednesday. The viewing was that night. Found out and went on the same day. Not much time to process. She was only 58 and died of cancer. Evil cancer. Immediately said I would go to the viewing. As the time drew closer, I chickened out and decided I would not. My husband had another idea and insisted I go; right thing to do and all that.

I have told this story many times but if not for her, quite possibly my honey and I might never have met. He has lots of times given her credit for 'us'. You know those people in your life who come and go, have tons of meaning, serve a certain purpose that you don't realize until you look backwards? She was one of them. When I saw her through the years afterwards, we'd always stop and talk, catch up, give hugs, and walk away (I think, at least on my part) glad we had touched base again. She was a go getter, lots of energy, a mover and a shaker, never sat still for long. To see her that night in that casket....well....it didn't seem real. Not even close. I was upset throughout the day and had been crying (of course) before I even got there. I brought an old photo album with lots of pictures of us being silly and even a couple with her and her oldest daughter.....I wanted to share these old memories and thought it apropriate. I ended up giving them all the pictures they wanted; they took all but two. I was glad I brought them. Her oldest daughter left me one with her mom and my husband and one with me and her mom. As I stood there and said a prayer by her side, with tears silently running down my face, I knew there was a higher power. I felt it to my core. And I knew she was there, right there. I'm all twisted with death and why it happens and when it happens and just all screwed up with it. I sometimes feel the person never died. I felt that again. I was more visibly upset than her two daughters but I knew they were being strong for their "Mommie"...grown girls in their 20's/30's. My visit was quick enough but hopefully meaningful.

I went to honor you, Betty. I think you were taken too soon. But God thought that was the exact right time. I suppose that's how death is. We never know when it will come, but we know it will come. For me, it's the reason I really try to live my life right. The whole kindness thing. The whole volunteer thing. Helping others blah blah. It's really not blah blah to me but you know what I mean. I still have visions of her like that in my head and that is one of the reasons I did not want to go. Would rather have remembered her the way she was the last time I saw her but so it goes. Can't really control that and it is what it is.

Life is beautiful and meant to live out loud. Remember what is most important. Death isn't the end, I know that. It doesn't mean we can't be sad about it. This is the part I struggle with the most. I envy those that are happy at funerals, who think that it's a celebration. I realize it is a time to celebrate that person's life, I know that to my core but I get caught up in the 'they're gone' part. I'm all messed up with God on that part. I continue to work and get it right...I guess that's the path of life. Figuring it out and striving to do it right...staying on the right path...sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard. Would be no fun if not a challenge, right?

You will be missed, Betty. Even though I didn't see you all the time, I will tell you that you will be missed. Fly with your beautiful wings, fly fly fly. Big hugs to you.

Jenn

The Keyboard

Well thank you Santa! Thank you SO MUCH for bringing this awesome keyboard into our house for the Oldest. My goodness, it is the source of much joy, much music, much MAYHEM, and thousands of ARGUMENTS already. And a month has barely passed since he got it.

Whatever the Oldest has, the Littlest must have too. We're in luck! The Littlest got a Melissa and Doug bang 'em out piano last year so wala! He can just use that one along side his big brother; right? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. They argue over that thing and it really has come to be the source of much drama. They are learning to play songs, thanks to their Daddy who patiently shows them the way and so it's a competition. I feel bad because the gift was for the Oldest and the Littlest does have his own but they both want the same thing. So I mediate and often bargain with one to help the other and so it goes with siblings I suppose.

Tonight, we were all upstairs and the Oldest wanted to put on a 'show' with the latest little song he taught himself. So we all three are the audience and the Littlest sat patiently and clapped at all the right moments but when it was all over, he wanted to mimic his older brother. The Oldest did not really want to give him the keyboard but he did, with a little prodding from the peanut gallery. It was agreed just one song for the Littlest as it was bedtime anyway. One song turned into two songs (his version of 'songs'-but note he can play first verse of Jingle Bells for real) and then it got out of hand. As the Oldest literally was trying to pull the keyboard from the Littlest as he played (as.he.played) one thing led to another and there was a tantrum, tears, slamming doors and a very stubborn nine year old stomping down the hallway to his room. Gracious. The Littlest followed his brother to his room and slammed the door. Gasp. What in the world? My husband went to the door and listened and it went something like this:

Oldest: Next time if you want to play with MY keyboard you just have to ask nicely (but he was saying it in a baby voice which he has been known to do when talking to the Littlest even though he's three)
Littlest: Talk like a big boy (in a commanding voice)!
(insert loads of laughter from my husband and I who stood outside with our ears to the door) then...the door opens and the Littlest stands there giving us a very forlorn look like 'how dare you be standing there listening to us!' and he slams the door again. To which my husband and I fall into fits of laughter again (PPS, I know, I know). My honey says to me, "we are ants in their world and they crush us" and that made me laugh harder. I needed this laughing. I have needed it. So basically we are listening outside the door and they are working it out, talking like big boys and wala, whaddya know? The door opens calmly and I say to them great job for talking it out (no laughing anymore you'll be pleased to know) and I high five them both. They give each other hugs and kisses and I give them more praise about way to go, great job working it out blah blah they feel all wonderful and all is well.

The keyboard. It's given us great smiles and happiness. Lots of laughs. Lots of fights. And plenty of tears. I wonder if it will even make it past month two. I will not be surprised if it gets broken in a tug of war. Sometimes I think we need the Super Nanny around here. Really. I would welcome her with open arms. Even if she told me after an assessment that we are normal, I'd be thrilled to know that. Because something way down deep tells me we are not. Just a small voice. Tiny. Little little............barely a squeak...wait, I can't hear it anymore, ok it's gone. We're normal then. Phew.

Bloggy Bloggerson

Sometimes the words overfloweth and sometimes the words are like a needle in a haystack; hard to find. It just depends on the moment I suppose. Lately I have much to say and millions of thoughts and emotions running through me.

This platform has come to be a saving grace for me and my mental incapacities. I am thankful for this place called my blog and I am mostly grateful I am a Bloggy Bloggerson. I made the name up. If someone else uses it; I'll sue.

Kidding. But I better get the credit. ;0-)

Nuff said.

Over It

I really dislike sports right now. I really dislike when people feel they must yell at the TV. I'm not namin' names. But you figure it out. I'm over it.

I'm just sayin'.

Vicks, Feet, and Coughing

Ok. So call this an experiement. Call it what you want. I have also researched the heck out of this and see lots and lots of stuff on it. Almost ten to one shows it works. Far far more folks say it works and once or twice I've seen someone say it does not work. Actually only twice. Besides those two folks, everyone else and everything else shows it works. Here is the idea:

Child or adult (not infant) is sick with cold. Lots of night time coughing that keeps them up. They are uncomfortable, miserable and not getting good sleep. Particularly in children, this is distressing, often more so for the parents than the child but nonetheless....bothersome for all. Want a way to comfort, help, and stop the coughing? Want to sleep more soundly knowing your child is sleeping more soundly even with a cold? Rub Vicks on their feet and put socks on over it (I think mainly this helps to make sure the Vicks doesn't get all over sheets and to keep it in place etc). Within 5-10 minutes the coughing will usually cease altogether. Not sure why, just know it works.

This has been my experience the past three nights with the Littlest. He has a good old fashioned cold going on. Lots of night time coughing on the first night. Enter Vicks and socks to cover. Five minutes later, coughing 100% done and he slept like a baby (no pun intended) the rest of the night. Not even any coughing in the morning after waking. ---Second night, same thing. Night three; tonight, I did it proactively before bedtime and wala, not one single cough, nothing. He is sleeping so hard I hear him breathing calmly and soundly in my room as I type.

I put it on my feet last night to see how it felt. I did that just before 8 pm. 8:15 was the last time I looked at the clock. I laid down and never got back up till 6:30 am. I won't say it made me drowsy but for whatever reason I passed out almost immediately and slept like a rock. Hmm.

Vicks. Who knew. ---------------------Vicks, Feet, and Coughing. It works. At least from my standpoint it does. Thanks Minnie for telling me about it last Fall. It's kind of like the coolest miracle ever for the little ones. It's a good thing.

Just Takes A LittleTime...

So how about tonight at volunteering (me and the Oldest volunteer once a month at a local Assisted Living Home) I got a little mad. We do an Ice Cream Social when we go and it's been close to a year now that we've gone. They have gotten to know us, love the kids (Oldest is not the only one in our group we have come to form), and love the ice cream. We have our favs :) and they get seconds if they want it. --Tonight I noticed a new resident. Ms. Ruth. She was sitting with her full plate of dinner in front of her and staring at the ground. I went to offer her a bowl of ice cream but didn't give it because I noticed her untouched food. Asked a nurse and she said 'you can try but she won't eat'. Hmm. In my world, that's a challenge.

I go over, and talk to her quietly to garner her trust. She has early onset Alzheimers the nurse said so my approach was gentle. She didn't understand it was dinner time. When I asked her if she was hungry she wouldn't answer me only asking me other questions and I could tell she was confused. More gently, I tried again. Would you like to taste the ice cream, I can help you with it...she finally agreed to try a small bite. I didn't want to force her so I was borderline timid at first. She kept asking what she was supposed to do next and it was obvious to me she needed help. I asked her name and we began to hit it off. She knew her name. I told her she was a sweet soul and that made her smile big. I was in. Guess what? With my help, she ate the entire bowl of ice cream. She realized how hungry she was after the first taste. As I sat on my knees on that probably very dirty cafeteria floor, I talked with her and fed her. Next up, the bowl of vegetable soup and she went through half of it. She wanted to know my name and she didn't want anyone around the table, paranoid of the lady cleaning up the table and even paranoid about the Oldest who came up to ask me a question one time. I would explain who folks were and what was going on and she was fine. My goodness, my heart was breaking. As I watched three nurses sitting and gossipping in the back corner I began to get angry. I wasn't angry to be doing what I was; just the opposite, it filled my heart and I was grateful to be helping her and for the experience. I was getting angry at them, that they just assumed she wouldn't eat. Look how easy it was for me to get her to eat!

I helped her drink her tea. I talked to her some more. She wanted to know when I was coming back. I wondered whether she would remember me next month. I cleaned her up and told her what would happen next; the nurse would come and take her to her room for the night then she'd come back in the morning for breakfast. Someone would help her. I hope. I left her table after about 20 minutes and made my rounds to chat with the other residents. Right before we left, I went back to Ms. Ruth to make sure she was ok and to say goodnight again and as I approached her she looked up and said, "Hi!" like she'd never seen me before. I don't think she'll remember me next time; it'll be a month till then. Doesn't matter. I'll do the same thing and gladly. In fact I may go once a week, just stop in and chat and check in on Ms. Ruth. See if she needs help eating her dinner. Just takes a little time. A little of my time, a little of the Oldest's time....,.I hope it goes a long way.

No Snow!

So we were supposed to get a "dynamic snow storm" yesterday. Right. 8-12 inches. Oh, no, it'll be 2-5 inches.....check that 1-3 inches. How about NOTHING? Not even a quarter of an inch? How about few random snow flurries for one minute intervals every other hour or so?

Wish I could be a weather man and get paid for being wrong a lot. I suppose we live in the wrong part of the country for snow, really. But then the grass is always greener.....I suppose there are folks who live where it snows constantly who wish it never snowed, right Trace? :)

Just sayin': Dang, can't it snow like one or two good times every year for the kids? It's not ME, I don't want the snow (ahem) it's all for them. Phewy. The weather man said the air was too dry. My question, didn't they know that before they predicited a dynamic storm and cause four school systems to close without a single layer of snow on the ground? Just sayin.

-J

Secret

I am reading The Secret. It's phenomenal. I highly recommend it. It shouldn't be a secret. It should be shared to all. All you have to do is buy the book. The rest is what you make it.

I plan on making my life even better. I am grateful for all that I have. I am boundlessly grateful for the boys and their health. I am grateful for our home. I am grateful for all the things we have in our lives. I not ashamed to say I want more. I already have the love and the inner stuff.

All that you need is an open heart and an open mind. Go get the book. After that, the rest is free. Your life is what you make it. If you think negatively and about things you don't want-like debt for example- you will just draw more debt to you. It's completely about thinking positive. It's a must read. In fact when I'm done, I'm reading it again. It's that life changing. Last night my husband and I watched the movie together. I can't force him to think a certain way. But I can introduce it to him...... If he does change his thinking, he does. If he doesn't, too bad for him. I think he's slowly understanding the power of this book; of the Secret within. Pretty cool stuff. I can't tell you how excited I am slowly becoming. It's not something where you can change your thinking in one minute, one night, or one week. Maybe one week...maybe so....but it's something you have to work at, and re train your thought processes. I'm telling you, go get it. I'm a fast reader, but this book I have been taking my time, my sweet time and reading and re reading parts. It's deep but it resonates with me like nothing else ever has. I've already 'tested' two things and they both came true, both things happened.

I don't want to keep it a Secret, I think it deserves to be shared. So I'm sharing.

--J

President Obama

I couldn't have said it better myself than my good good friend Tammy did.

Go here. Simple and true.

http://jardna.blogspot.com/2009/01/today.html

-J

My Son, The Storyteller.

Maybe he'll be a writer. Driven to communicate through written word; like me. I'm not sure. But he is comical and thinking and likes to tell big stories. He uses big words and sprinkles in extra words even when they don't make sense. And you just listen with bated breath and wait for the next words. And then you kiss his face. And you want to eat him up. I'm not talking about the Oldest. I'm talking about the Littlest. Here is an example:

"I just saw that bird mom and it was fast and very red. And did you see what he did mom? He was speedy and suddenly he went BAM! and then stopped and turned the corner and said 'choo choooooo' and it was like a train on the track!! Do you know where Spencer is? He's like a racecar bird, no actually, he's just a bird with big feathers and wings, right mom?"

Ok that is a sample and was just the one I remember the most but 'suddenly' and 'actually' get peppered in a lot. And I oh so love when I walk down the stairs and he says "Mom you look beautiful" because he's just three and he recognizes what he thinks is beauty (no snickers please) and can express it at will.

He's something. He loves to talk (hmmm wonder where he got that) and he loves to tell stories (hmmm again I better watch out as he gets wiser to use this to his advantage).

Now the OLDEST, well, he's far too wise. He's going to have 1000% capability to be an attorney one day; and a good one. He's my master manipulator. Um hm. I'm in trouble, arne't I? A story teller and a manipulator (said with love). Go ahead and give me the paddle. I'll start paddling up the creek now. I'll need a good head start. ........ and I'm off......

The Peach

I was watching the circus show with Blagojevich, Governor of Illinois, last Friday when he did his press conference after he was impeached by his own State Senate. The oldest was sitting with me at the end as we watched CNN give it coverage. I felt compelled to explain to the Oldest on his level what was going on since he was sitting watching it so earnestly with me.

After I explained the best I could, finishing with the whole impeached deal, he looked at me. I felt it coming. I didn't know what exactly, but something odd was coming. He looked a tiny confused. He turned his nine year old head slightly to the side and he said, "Sooooooooooo.....are they gonna put im in a peach?" (like instead of saying "him in a peach" he said "im in a peach" cause he thought that was the right terminology, the guy is a guy so "im" fit in his mind and then the word peach. Hence impeach. Everything in me exploded with laughter but I kept in it, you'd be proud, I never flinched. I just reached out and ruffled his hair and said, "No buddy, it's just a word that describes that he is now able to be asked to step down if they think later he should. It's a word but he won't be put in a peach."

We had a busy weekend, had the cousins over and I never had an opportunity to relay the story to my honey. When I finally did on Sunday night, as I was able to say the story and the words out loud (sans the Oldest) it all came out, the laughter, the big belly laugh, the falling on the ground uncontrollably laughing. Realigning my intestines and all. Much needed laugh. I'm a big laugher. Not all things make me laugh like that. If it even tings my funny bone, I'm done.

So both boys came running in the room, 'what's wrong with mom?' as I lay LMAO on the floor literally and he told them I was laughing at the Peach and instantly the Oldest knew what I was laughing at (how smart and perceptive he is and no hurt feelings) and he joined in saying "Peach peach peach Governor of Illinois IMPEACH peach peach peach!!" and all the jibberish he was saying was making me laugh harder and finally I couldn't breathe.

Why do I get like that over silly things? It's all or nothing with my emotions. All the way or sub zero. Extreme like that. Phew. -----so two nights ago I'm getting the Littlest down and his room is quiet, the light is low, he's laying down, his Thomas story is playing on his CD quietly and suddenly, I burst out laughing. PPS. Poor parenting skills. I couldn't stop. And like a crescendo, it got louder and louder, more and more and he stood up in his bed and starting saying "the peach the peach the peach!!" and I was DEE OHH NNN EEE, D.O.N.E.

Oh people, I need lots of help. My poor kids. My poor husband. I make them whacky. I know I do. I fully admit it. Yes, poor Mr. Blagojevich is being positioned in a peach as we speak. ---Actually I think it's more like a pickle. ;o)

Would You Rather?

Work out for one hour a day or be dead 24 hours a day? Seems morbid but saw this somewhere and thought; wow, makes sense to me. I'm on it.

Tight Shoes

When we were in Philadelphia, there was a lot going on. I remember that Ivan and I tried to still always in our own small way exude kindness, smiles when we could, for sure little things because our own big things were taking over our own lives. I remember that well. There was one particular family who was there as long as Lucas was there. In fact, it's a very sad story. There were two sisters who were both healthy and growing normally. The oldest sister who was about 8 or 9 got a cold and somehow things turned from a simple cold to a bacterial infection in her heart. That's how we knew them. Lucas was in the CICU (Cardiac Intensive Care Unit) and so was she. I remember her name very well but will not use it, I'll call her Julia. Just because.



Julia's parents and grandparents were there constantly. Her grandfather in particular was extremely vigilant from what I recall. He was clearly to me, a very close second to the father as far as being in the lead of all the knowledge and contact with the doctors. He carried himself as the ultra patriarch. I tried lots of times to smile and say hello. I never wanted more. I had my own things swirling in my head. I was just trying to reach out, another human being going through the same thing with her child, just wanting to smile and say hello. At first I thought he didn't want to connect with anyone else (as he never looked anyone in the eye or spoke unless you were a doctor) because he didn't want conversation. Like me. I got that. But after a while, into the second month, it began to irritate me. Not sure why. I stopped trying to say hello to them, in particular the grandfather. I began ignoring them, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em and all that jazz. As the time wore on, our worries and Lucas' condition became more intense and I rarely spoke with anyone other than Lucas' nurse, his doctors, Ivan and the social worker at the hospital. Ivan is pretty laid back. He rolls along with most anything, nothing flusters him (except me :), and there isn't much folks can do to ruffle his feathers. --Julia's grandfather began to wear on Ivan and it was then that I knew, it wasn't just me. Let me explain further. There were lots of familes there. Some came and sadly left quickly. Without their child. Seeing this was surreal to me. I watched so many families leave without their children. Heard wails of grief and sobbing in Lucas' room and tried after a while to pretend I couldn't hear it. Pretend. Back then I couldn't see that he should be allowed to behave any way he wanted, as we were going through tough times, so was he, so was Julia's family.

One day Ivan said something to me that has stayed with us both for a very long time. He said that Julia's grandfather had tight shoes. I didn't get it. What do you mean? He was really saying that because he walked around so stoic and non smiling, unfriendly and all closed up, Ivan's perception that the nice old man's shoes were too tight all the time. That's why he couldn't smile. His feet must hurt. Walk a mile in my shoes and see if you don't act like I do, shutting the world out and making eye contact with not a soul I walk past. The mean grimace on my face is there because my shoes are too tight. I didn't even giggle. I just accepted, yes, his shoes are too tight. I knew they weren't. I just went along because partly, it seemed to make slight weird sense and also I think I was too tired to object and try to teach him a different way to think. And maybe, just maybe it seemed better to think that about him. To explain. We all need a little reaching out don't we? He didn't want it and I was rebelling. So let it be written, let it be done, the grandfather became Mr. Tight Shoes.

Julia passed away about a week and a half before Lucas did. I remember being in a place where I was wondering if it was time, if Lucas was giving us signs and signals but trying to ignore them and it was a real emotional battle every hour of the day. Julia and Lucas had been there the longest since we arrived and when she died and I saw all the commotion, the family falling on their figurative knees, then the empty room, I was shocked. I think I wrote about it way back then. I didn't think it possible. She just had a cold. How could this happen? I believe I began a real rant on God at that time, if I hadn't begun one before. Anger and more anger, even though her parents and Mr. Tight Shoes still wanted nothing to do with anyone, I could only focus on the little girl. And her sister.

Why am I telling you this? Well. Since then, Ivan and I have often said out loud, "that's just the road we walk, that's how our life is, always so hard." Different things life has handed us now and again, you know, just normal things that set you off track. One time, a couple years after Lucas died (now it's been five years to put it into perspective) I said to him, "Are our shoes too tight now?" and I didn't like it. I stopped saying it. I might have thought it out of habit every now and then but didn't like even that. Seemed like negative thinking but I couldn't really put my finger on it. Now I see that out of ignorance can come bliss.

I will never again even think something like that. I am replacing my negative 'why me' thoughts with good ones. I will tell you why in my next post.

One year when we went to the Candle Lighting in Philadelphia, the year I spoke in front of the crowd, we saw Julia's family there. The grandfather's shoes were still very tight. I hope one day they loosen up. For his sake. So Julia can know he is happy again. I wish for you loose shoes and a light heart. I am trying to adopt these same ways of thinking. It's not easy. Not by a long shot. But it's worth it. I think Lucas probably would agree.

Jenn

Greece

One day I will go there again. I can't wait. I mean I really can't. It will be romantic and it will just be the two of us. My poor honey, he has no idea that we'll be going there for two weeks in six years. I'll tell him my evil (not really) plan soon. We'll have something to save for and look forward to. I think I will be in Heaven and not want to come home. The boys will be 15 and 9. I'll be so fine to leave them for two weeks. You don't think? What you think I'm too controlling? I'm too much of a worry wart? Hmph. Watch me. ;)

Where O Where Have I Been?

Just took a little hiatus I suppose. Have lots of different things on my mind lately...

There are lots of people in my life I would love to be closer to. Its usually because of work or boys school/s that I cannot or it would be inapproriate. It makes me sad that I cannot. I've seen it happen so many times, things go wrong in those kind of relationships.

I really went outside of the lines one time and I'm glad I did. I took a huge huge risk, very unlike myself in that arena but I'm so glad I did because that person has turned out to be the friend of a lifetime. The kind of friend you would do anything for...and someone who I'm nothing like at first glance. You have to look deeper. That goes with anyone. You can't judge by the surface, to know what someone is like---let alone the visual surface. You have to take the time and learn the person. So glad I did that. If she and I had bumped into each other in a mall or anywhere both of us would have walked away thinking "snotty wasn't she" just because we seem nothing alike. The truth is we are so alike in lots of ways its somewhat scary..not in all ways..but a lot. She has made me open my life up in a few areas I had sealed like a vault. Re discovering myself in some ways. I will never be able to thank her enough for that. Hopefully she benefits from our friendship as much as I do.

I will seek out those people when my life is in a different place. I know exactly who they are. Think they are totally worth a good friendship. Just cannot show it to them. One day.....

Welcome 2009. I am ready for inspired change this year. I'm going to get, actively going out to get it. Watch me.