Winds of Change..

They are blowing again. It seems it happens at least 2-3 times a year. Maybe it happens more but the change is so inconsequential, I don't notice it. At least 2-3 times a year, I am stilled by a hint of big change I feel approaching. This is one of those times.

I'm not sure if the two are related but I can't shake this very down feeling I'm going through. Sort of walking around with a low dark cloud around me. Not horribly depressed but for the first time in a long time, I've been thinking lately 'maybe this is what it feels like to be depressed'. If you are depressed do you think those things? I don't know. I am generally a happy, chipper, sarcastic, funny ha ha person. I have just been down and trying to hide it (guess not anymore though....) so not to draw attention.

Saw HSM3 with the Oldest and took one of his friends. Took my best friend too. There we were two adults and two kids, the kids sat one seat away from us. We talked on and off throughout but two significant times I cried during the movie. Um hello? It's a feel good kid movie! I cried. Well they were semi sad parts but my friend didn't cry. Phew. I have issues. Maybe it's all the change I feel coming. Change shakes me up for a minute. Maybe this is the shake up part. Time will tell. You'll be able to see my moods in my posts. You tell me. :)

Jenn

Democratic Squirrel in Heaven

I killed a squirrel two days ago. On accident. I was driving on the highway and he shot out of the woods from my direct right and BAM! The requisite squirrel confusion that comes when a squirrel sees a car; the OMG back and forth super fast indecision you can see it living...well, my squirrel never did that. It was like Kamikazee Squirrel. I'm going 55 in the slow right most lane, TRYING to drive slow and be good and not have a repeat of two weeks ago, ticketdom, and the little squirrel was no more. I went through several VERY dramatic facial expressions and sounds. Looked in the rearview mirror and saw the poor little thing writhing in the road. I'm a chick. This is how we respond. Drama. I don't think I'll ever forget the sound or the feeling of hitting him twice. There was a guy right beside me who was pointing at me, laughing. I assume he saw the whole deal and was laughing at the drama for your mamma facial expressions I was going through (trying not to vomit was one). I ignored him. Idiot.

SO. In light of all that mini drama and in finding this cute little picture.................................
I'm trying to tie it all together since the squirrel is heavy on my mind (pacify me here)..maybe MY squirrel was holding up this same little sign but in all the hoopla I didn't see it. Maybe the guy beside me laughing at my mishap is going to vote for McCain. Yes, that's it. The squirrel was trying to get the sign to the Idiot Guy. I knew he was ignorant. My little squirrel was on a mission hence no squirrel hesitation 'should I go or not go?' like they always do. Ok so maybe this wasn't tied up in a box with a pretty little bow on it but it was an attempt. I tried. I like the cute little squirrel holding the sign. Smart squirrel. Smart.

Make make make

I am making a visual for one of the classes at the Littlest' school. It's one thing to the next to the next to the next. Non stop. Phewey. I'll take a picture of it when I'm done. We'll see if it was worth the time. It's for the young toddler class (1.5 year olds). Hope it turns out great.....

jenn

Happy Birthday Lucas

To the sweetest angel in Heaven. I love you and miss you. More than you'll ever know or be able to feel.

Mamma

Spontaneous Getaway?????? One Week..

I am shamelessly going to put this on my blog. Desparate times call for desparate measures.

We have one full week to a RCI timeshare and we are selling it for only $199. The catch? It has to be used by the end of this month. You must simply check in by the last day of October. We have tried to sell it for more but the economy has been a huge factor in it not moving.

Check out this site for locations:

http://www.rci.com/RCI/RCIW/RCIW_index?body=RCIW_rdMain&client=RCI&gatewayURL=/RDGateway/RCI_RDGIndex?body=RCI_RDGSearchResults&Ne=4294942695+4294942695+4294945349&recCount=10&N=4294942551&Ns=P_ResortName&Nu=P_ResortCode&showMap=true&client=RCI

I also have it listed on Craigslist. If you are interested; let me know. If you see a location, I can call and check for availability.

Jenn

Weight; Again

I am done. I look around, all around me and signs signs signs. Done. Done done done. I don't care how I do it. I really don't. Probably not healthy but I don't care. I'm in that zone again. Done.

Glad I got that off my chest.

Did I mention I am done? Kay. Wasn't sure. Finito. C'est fait. Gjort. Hands in the air walk away done. Spit. Clap your hands. It's a deal. Mark the day.

CHOP

So I just went back to their website. Childrens Hospital of Philadelphia. Found a listing of all the current doctors. Several of them are still there that helped Lucas. Seriously it's masochistic what I do to myself.

Today at the picnic someone was asking me about the Littlest (co worker so doesn't know) and then they went on to talk about the Oldest, asking more questions. Nice conversation. Then they point blank asked, "so are those your only two then?". Well, I've come to answer this question honestly. No holds barred. I've come to accept this question will come up and I can't hide Lucas and he is a part of us even though he's not here. Absolutely. But this time, I couldn't. I felt emotion in the conversation and I chose the easy road. I just nodded and looked away. Pain. But then look at the Littlest on my lap. Joy. It's a really perfect blend of the two like a candy cane twisted on itself over and over again.

If he were alive he'd have been at that picnic, in a perfect world, running and playing with all the other kids, making me mad, getting into trouble, maybe having me paint his face. The Oldest got a VT painted on his face and the Littlest refused (I'm so not surprised at either of these two facts; they are polar opposites). But Lucas? I wonder...I don't know his personality..I did when he was six months old....and lost him for four months...then lost him forever. His broken heart is now my broken heart. A heart transplant of sorts. Odd how life works. A perfect juxtaposition.

I think if I walked in those halls again, I'd feel as though I never left. That's how I felt last time we were there for the Candle Lighting in December; like I never left and I was meant to always be there. How can you only have spent two months somewhere; nearly night and day but feel as though you were there a lifetime? It's beyond me.

Lets Play a Joke on Mom!

Good Grief. It's late. I'll grant you that. I give it to you; it's dang late. It's 12:11 am and I know I'm groggy headed..

Just watched the debate and all the political rhetoric blah blah after and I feel thirsty. I grab a bottle of water that I think I remembered was mine from earlier in the night. I walk over to the sink (bear with me here) and I take a swig. Suddenly I feel wetness on my shirt. Eh? Musta missed my mouth, it's sort of dark in the kitchen, anythings possible. So I take another drink and am half still looking over at the TV from the sink and I realize, my shirt feels even MORE wet. Huh? Did I miss my mouth again? Musta. I take another big drink and I happen to look down and see water pouring from a hole in the side of the water bottle down on my shirt. I laugh so hard that the water goes flying (sorry for graphics) and I choke. That little S! I can totally see him poking a hole in the side of the water bottle for fun or worse yet to pull a prank on someone. The hilarity of the whole deal really got to me and I go tell my husband and can't really tell the story because I'm laughing too hard..

Who thinks of this stuff? Oh yeah, the Oldest. I'll get him when he wakes up.

Ba Ha Ha! Thought I missed my mouth in the darkish kitchen three times in a row; what the? That little whipper snapper......... love that boy.

Virginia and Barack Obama

So he was in the state today. At the first location, Newport News according to the news, 50,000 people showed up. People are interested and want to hear him.

John McCain was at his home in Arizona today. Probably gearing up for the next debate on Tuesday night.

Will be very interesting.

-J

McPalin?

I think I'm going to vomit. She cannot answer a true question. She's a total BS'r and I can barely stand to watch her. God help us all if McCain/Palin gets voted in. I think I will go into a true depression.

And I'm not kidding.

-J

Things

Sigh.

Things are on my mind.

Why do I harp? Why am I so on the Oldest? I can hear myself and I hate myself as I'm correcting or pointing out but the words keep coming. Want him to be right, know right, act right, do right always right. Let him be I hear a voice in my head. I really hear it. But then MY real voice comes out and what can I do? Shut up? Probably. Leave him alone. Let him be. He is fine, more than fine, he excels at school, loves it all, and seems happy. Who could ask for more? No one. I tell him all the time I'm proud of him, we're proud of him, good job, keep it up, way to go.....and I'm not lying. But when I see him step off the track just a step I'm all up in his grill. Why? I hate it.

Tonight I was thinking how protective we are. Really protective. Of both of them. Down to everything. Every.Thing. This cannot be good. It cannot help build self esteem. Right? Right. I know this. But the alternative.......

If Lucas had not died, I would not be who I am today, the worrier, the can't stop being afraid person, the what if person, the person who's eyes are darting around always and brain never stops rolling with the OMG scenarios in my head. It's like I'm two different people. I KNOW what is sane and normal (by all accounts) and I hear it in my head but I can't stop because if it happened again in any way then I'd be a pile of dust in two seconds fallen before your eyes. So there you have it. There is no letting go. The Oldest is 9. I think he'll grow up and be a caring, in touch with his emotions, smart, successful guy. Who is afraid. Like me. I am making them this way. I just don't know in some moments of my day why he DID die. Still. I guess the hard ugly truth is that still, right now, fleshing this all out, I don't know. And to the core of me, it all, almost everything, goes back to the loss of Lucas.

It's so quiet in this house right now. Just me and you. Just me and the sound of the keys going a mile a minute but all else silent. And do you think anyone can see my tears? But for my description to you know one knows I AM crying yet I try still to hold it back. It's sick really. In my effort to remain a healthy normal feeling person the result is the opposite.

Tonight, as I sat in the Littlest' room at bedtime (I usually sit in the rocker for a few minutes then do the whole kiss goodnight ritual after books, bath, brush teeth blah blah blah) and my husband brought in a small dixie paper cup of water to him, the way he carried it was as if it was an egg. He wasn't kidding. I watched in realization that he was afraid the water would spill; either on the Littlest or on the carpet, I'm not sure which. It dawned on me that we four live in a bubble of fear even down to the tiniest things; like that cup of water. I bet most of the time we aren't even aware of it. What others must think...and I was off in a tangent of roller coaster thoughts which brought me hear at almost midnight.

Oh I'm strong. Built of pure steel. Anyone can look and see that. I love to laugh it up and often sarcasm eeks from my pores. Under the layer of steel and strength is a mess of a woman who knows nothing. And that is the truth. I.Know.Nothing. Except that Lucas would be six in two weeks. Yes, I do know that. And I guess I know one more thing. That I need to lighten up on the boys or I'm going to royally screw them up for life. Ok. New mission. Mission Lighten Up.

10-4.

Almost 14 Years

I have been married to my husband for almost 14 years. Not a long time by any stretch but in this day and age, it's significant. There is no perfection. Absolutely ups and downs and all the in between. When you've known someone innately as we know each other, there are no secrets or suprises; at least that's what you think until something peeks inside your relationship and opens your eyes. I suppose it's God's way of putting little obstacles in your path, making life interesting, and giving you challenges to acheive and move beyond.

There is trust and acceptance. I will continue do all of those things.

Maybe that is the key. When life throws you a grenade rather than hastily pulling the pin, you put it down, walk away, think about it and make your choice. Go back and pull the pin and watch the explosion or be part of the explosion -or- discuss the grendade, figure out a way around it and if you're really brave, go gently pick it up and put it safely where no one can get hurt. No explosion, just quiet acceptance that we cannot all agree, but if we can find common ground and be open then peace prevails. Love prevails. I really don't know much about grenades and that was maybe a really horrible analogy but you get the gist. Sometimes we talk till we have no more words. Till the words are just things in the air and making no difference. Then we stop. And we're quiet. We always come back to the same place. I have said this several times lately but we can't have survived the death of our second child five years ago and let these other less serious things knock us down now.

So that's it. It's love. It's the good and the bad. Come what may and hopefully many more years it is.

-J