The United Steaks of America; Lets Talk Politics

Enjoy. I got the Littlest on video tonight. I will cherish these days. They won't last forever.

Recent Nature Shots

Not really sure why I love this stuff so much. It's mundane enough and yet I'm so drawn to it. Flowers, nature, odd things, old buildings. I don't get to get out enough and I'm not smart enough to always have my camera in tow ;) but when I do.....I love it. The old railroad track is my fav. FAV. I will turn it into b/w and frame it. I have two of them, two diff parts of the track. Will frame both side by side in b/w. Makes me happy. Odd bird; I know.

The Y.A.R.D.

How about we spent 8-9 hours in the yard today and that was mostly in the front? Was it that bad? Well, maybe not but I think so. Sprinkle in some baseball in the back, a decent bike ride, and a car wash for the family car, and you have us eating dinner at 9:00 at night. Now THAT my friends is PPS. Totally. I think the Oldest was actually moping inside about not having dinner when I came in for the day (I mean night). I made sloppy joes, got mostly done and realized--no buns! Dang it! So we had them on regular bread. I think they were actually better like that. A most simple dinner, not maybe something that goes great with Reisling, but you know, it'll work.

We weeded, we de grassed some serious areas that needed degrassing (is that a word?) inside flower beds, we mulched and he cut the grass. I'm going to need some advice on carpenter bees and how to get rid of them. More on that later. With dinner, I not so smartly had two glasses of wine (so I probably was joining you Tamm after all) and my muscles now are a tiny sore. Just tiny. I exxagerate not. You can take that however you want to. ;)

I had billions of thoughts flying through my head all day and I was really working it out in that dirt, let me tell you. We had a fantastic family day, the Littlest absolutely LOVES being outside and he's teaching the Oldest that it isn't so bad either. I must say the Oldest learned that this past January when he finally learned to ride his bike. Now they both are like magnets outside constantly and that's good because it gets me out there with them. They play and I walk in our cirlce. Ten times around the circle is one mile. I'm walking every other day on my own. I can keep an eye on them; it's perfect. Now lets get some more pounds off thankyouverymuch. I'm in the right frame of mind so lets go!

Life and Death

Let me preface that this is absolutely not at all about Lucas. Not one sentence. Not even in an indirect way. So read on knowing that. I can assure you, this is about something very different.

When you grow old, and you've had the distinct pleasure of having grown that old with the love of your life, sharing ups and downs, highs and lows, joy and sorrow and the best years of your life, I can only imagine that you look backwards and realize what really has mattered more than anything else, was that you had love. Boy isn't THAT a run on. But won't it be true? Isn't it true? How will you feel when your best friend and the love of your life, the one who has made your highs even higher, dies? It's going to happen. It's not a matter of if but purely a matter of when. Will you feel alone? I can only imagine (and for me it will be true) that it will shatter my world and I will feel utterly alone. That's why it's so important to make every moment matter, even the mundane ones. Even the ones when you are eating a quiet dinner because you've had a crappy day and you don't even want to look them in the eye much less speak about the day, those moments matter-because you are safe with them. That small detail often passes us by doesn't it?

I've watched it happen, to my Grand parents, one after the other. I have my Gramma (who we went to see in Ohio) still here and thank goodness. But my Granpa, my Granma, my Granny, my Pa Pa, they all have passed away and when the first one died, the other left behind, well, I never asked, but I could see, even though I was much younger, I could see it was painful.

I watched my Pa Pa (from the eyes of a young girl, my perspective was this) almost will himself slowly to die, he missed her so much. He even told me that one time, he was supposed to be napping and I found him laying down on a sitting bench in the hall, silently crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "I miss her" it was all he could say. I got on my knees and hugged him and sat there while he lay with his eyes closed, not too proud to cry in front of me but yet not wanting me to see him openly crying.

It's funny how we bring life into this world and we watch it leave and somewhere along the way we're supposed to have learned lots of lessons. Don't tell me it isn't a journey. Don't tell me every single thing isn't already planned by God. And by His Grace we all are here, but with that same Grace we leave this place, in whatever way he sees fit. Even if it's painful to those that love us, how we leave puts an indelible mark on this Earth. As we stand and watch it all happen, in shock and sorrow, no matter how prepared we may feel, it's surreal and we ache.

Give the love back that you get. Give the hugs back that you get. Give the smiles back that you get. Even when you don't get it, and you feel that chip on your shoulder getting too heavy from all the wrongs that have come your way, give all those things back anyway. You'll be better for it. I promise. This, I know. I have faith that Someone is watching and I have faith that if we live this way, our family will have no questions ever that we love them. When that time comes, all will be said and all will be done. We can only hope.

My heart is so with you A.

Jenn

Jon and Kate Plus 8

I love this show. So do. If you have never seen it, you MUST check it out. You will very likely become addicted. Ok so, I'm a bit extreme (NO, really?) but seriously, I think you will at the very least be amused. I'm sometimes found sucking in my breath when I see her handle a situation just how I know I would and well hello, I only have two running around while she has cough cough, um, EIGHT. Click here and check out the highlights of the show. Look at when the show plays and sit down a spell. It's getting to be one of the only shows I try to catch faithfully.

Jon is in some ways like my husband, rolls with the flow 90% of the time but is known to visibly bite his tongue, give wordless looks to Kate, and every now and then, the stress and tension of raising all of their beautiful kids erupts into tense arguments. All normal! That goes on in MY house of two children so who would ever think it wouldn't go on in a house of 8?

Kate is anal to a T, um, yes, just a little like me, you know...but not much...we really aren't alike at all actually, it's a huge stretch. Um hmm. She is a freak about germs, has to be able to see the kids always, is a bear about schedule, and everything has to be just so all the time. So you see, really, we're nothing alike. Not in anyway whatsoever. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

The show is on TLC. Check it out.

Jenn

Tweezers

Funny story. Tweezers fix everything, didn't you know? Let me tell you.

He offers them up when he sees you are sad, if the fish has just died, the tweezers can fix the dead fish. He offers to go get them when something breaks, "its ok I just go get the tweezers". How can you not love that? How can you not laugh in the best way at that?

He saw me use tweezers to get a splinter out of the Oldests' toe on vacation and ever since then, it's all about the tweezers. It took me a few days to pick up on the increased usage of tweezer offerings and a few more days (thanks Auntie Psyche) to pick up on why he started offering it in the first place. Smack on the head; DUH! Yes, of course, it all started on vacation. Phew. I tell you, that boy....he does put a smile on this face of mine. Tweezers can fix the world. If only....

I'll help you Mommy.

We went to Lucas' grave yesterday. The Littlest and me. Very rainy day and I was prepared for that, brought umbrellas and a blanket and jackets. And the flowers of course. He's getting a tiny bit older that we can hold basic on his level conversations now and I can explain in very simplistic terms while holding his attention where we are going and why. Keeping it very short, nothing at all elaborate. When we get there, he looks around the cemetery and asks where he is. Sigh. Of course, he won't understand for years to come and why should he? I tell him again, he's way up in the sky, we can't see him.

I gave him the choice (modern moms, modern times, crazy, I know) of sitting in the car and watching a movie (which I promise, it has come to be that they only watch on long trips and rarely just around town-honestly) or coming with me. Let me assure you, at the cemetery, there are few cars, fewer people and the van is literally 75-100 ft away from Lucas' marker so I'd be completely comfortable to allow him to stay in the van on a cool rainy day with me so close..but I digress. He wanted to go with me; of course. This is why I came prepared.

As we sat outside, and he with great interest watching me commenting on almost everything, the moment seemed to freeze in time. There I was, honoring my little son who died what seems like eons ago now, with my now young sweet son watching on, there in the flesh. What felt like the first time the Littlest could fathom any part of anything that has to do with Lucas, it just seemed like a very clarifying moment; hard to put into words. I explained again that we can't see him. He said to me, "Where is him?" and again I told him, "he's in Heaven, with God." Then quiet. God? Who's that? I've never met him, I'm sure he's thinking...very sure. I'm sure, even more sure, this is confusing to him. But, it's the truth and I'm not going to 'babyify' the facts for him; although I keep the facts quite simple. As I place the flowers in the urn and arrange them the best I can (florist I am not) silent tears falling on the marker -and since it was not raining at that time, he noticed. He got up and said, "What happened, why you crying?" and you know, I tried to stop, I wasn't sobbing, but still, I don't want to compound his concern or confusion so I really tried to suck it up and mostly, I did, but it was too late. He saw, he got it. And I told him.--

"Mommy just misses Lucas." To his, "where is him?" still trying to get it, me knowing it's too much for him to understand. "We can't see him Littlest, he's far far away." and his reply----which made me freeze in my skin, "I'll help you Mommy, I help you find him." and he begins to walk away, looking all over, for Lucas. No words.

I quickly wrapped it up, said my quiet words to God, cleaned up our mess, gathered our things and as the rain began to come down again, we hurried to the van. The cool rain felt good on my hot face and I was glad to have it there. The hurrying was for the Littlest, not for me. As we drove away, he jabbered on about this and that, "I tired Mommy" and "Where we going Mommy?" and finally about five minutes away from the cemetery with only short answers from me, I'm sure he was feeling the quiet, I know I was despite my best efforts...he said his final comment which if spoken in decibels would have been about a 50 and in his soft sweet voice he told me, "I'm here Mommy". Yes. Yes he is. To my ears at that moment it felt as if he really meant, 'don't forget me' and the guilt flowed. When I answered, "Yes you are buddy, you're right here with me" he couldn't know how upset I was that he had to point that out to me. When I told my husband about our exchange in the car, his perspective was that it was Lucas saying it for both of them.

He's with us in spirit always and with his brothers I'm sure he's connected intrinsically.

All of the days that were markers back then still are now, today. Probably always. Today, five years ago, Lucas went into that fated surgery, never to come out the same. I told my husband today, what could have been, was never meant to be-- and what is now was always meant to be. So sad to me yet how can I be sad when I look at our boys now? Such a twist of fate. What then was bad now has become fully good. Took a long time to get here, where we have joy on this side of death, and the journey was hard but teaching nonetheless. Wisdom comes in small packets doesn't it? It does. And sometimes, even for the sighted it takes blindness to be able to see it.

Jenn

The Garden Maze

See that thing? I was stuck in it. Story later but just imagine. Someone with my level of patience (sub zero) in this place and not able to get out. I was furious and over it by the end. My honey was laughing at me three shrubs over but never mind that. I just wanted a helicopter to come down and swoop me out of there. Fur real.
Not the best picture but because of that, it is. The Oldest has had his hair chopped off since two weeks ago when this was taken.

Life has been too busy for me to focus here like I do a couple times a week but I'll get back on track soon.

-J

Ohio Travels; The Journal

Let me preface that this is a good old fashioned journal type thing that I kept writing in while my sister Mindy, the kids and I traveled to surprise my Grandmother for her 80th birthday. So it's kind of all over the place, but these are some of the highlights and lolights....have fun reading, it was a blast living it. Pure adventure, laughs, stress, and comedy. This is filled with short stories and random thoughts and ideas along the way. Some makes sense and some does not.

Day one-we leave at 6:45 am to drive one hour to the Airport for an early flight to Ohio.

This morning: Worked myself up into a major panic with a fake smile on my face knowing I was getting on a plane. Very nervous, don't like the idea of being in the air so high off the ground. I think I was born like that; don't like roller coasters either.

The Claim Ticket:

The SkyBus woman at the counter coming here gave me these sticky labels like computer labels. It was odd. For what I said? And my sister laughed. Non traveler she said! She looks at the now defunct SkyBus woman and says, "don't worry I'll take care of her" like I'm a baby or something!!! This does not help my mental processing, it maddens me! I still don't know what the silly stickers are for. So my sister explains to me that they are for of all things....baggage claim! Yes, of course, WHY? Do we need to give these stickers to someone to get our bags off the go roundy thing? No. Why do we need these things I still don't get it but I quietly put them somewhere-I'm sure we'll never need them I say to myself. Whatever. Flash forward. We get off the plane and we get sidetracked, bathroom and bath and body works (shopping in the airport of course~!). By the time we go get our luggage, well of course, ....its locked up. We are last ones to the go roundy thing and guess what? We have to present the now defunct sky bus woman with da da da da.......the claim ticket which I have now carelessly lost. Yep. I panic, sweat on my brow, things go flying out of my purse......can't find it. Dang it! FINALLY the woman tells me an ID will do. What? Why didn't you tell me seven hours ago when you clearly saw me panicked and things flying out of my purse???? What a nice lady. Not.

OK out of order but back to the departing airport.....

As we were going to board the plane, my sister informs me we have to TAKE OUR SHOES OFF too. What? For what? Such silliness, stickers and shoes off, good grief! Liar I said. The man checking our stuff laughs at me and says "not kidding". What if your feet smell I'm thinking? Smelly feet galore I guess. Yes, I forgot, it's because of tighter security, right right. I took them off. Bare feet and all. Along with every other person there. Clearly I'm not a seasoned traveler. Rush rush do this stand there wait, put your S in this box, don't smile, get going now!! Don't boss me I was thinking when I looked at that Air Security person, don't rush me mister I'm too busy puttin' my flippin' shoes back on thankyouverymuch. Phew.

The flight was tense for me, I cried silently while my sister and the Oldest and my niece sat behind me. She tried to rub my arm during take off and I shrugged her off. Don't touch me! Argh! Let me get over myself....I'm too independent for my own good I think. Flight was fine, it helped to grade a paper or two of hers for her kids and it diverted my very thin attention. Side note--We are on SKY BUS. The attendants were jovial and quite humorous on the PA system with each other; clearly a very laid back (and now defunct) company. ****Little did they know it was their last day with the company. Ironically, they pointed out on the PA system that one of them on the crew was having their last day and "moving on" after that day to something else. Kind of funny, don't you think, since it was ALL of their last days? I find it hilarious. ***** When we deplaned it was straight onto the Tarmac. Not into the terminal. Odd I thought but then with SkyBus, you get what you pay for. And we were not paying a lot for that muffler.

We get our rental car, and we're off. ---Thank goodness for the GPS in a state we've never driven in or even been in since we were little little. We are driving down the road. We pass the mall area. Syd says out loud, "I love Dicks". To this we cannot breathe we are laughing so hard but so silently in the front seat with tears from laughing. Note we were not shocked out of our pants and angry because we SAW the Dicks Sporting Goods immediately and knew what she meant. Of course she means Dicks Sporting Goods but the Oldest knows this word from the bad kids at school so his eyes bug out of his head not putting two and two about DSG the store. We DIED. And then Syd says as a kicker (who btw is completely oblivious to what she just said oh how I love this innocence) "very interesting" in a Oriental type accent when she saw us cracking up silently and then at some point not so silently. Do you know us? We are completely incapable of silent laughing for long. It's nearly impossible. We are loud laughers. I almost peed my pants. Done. I was so done. We laughed and laughed.

We meet our cousins and we go ambush our Gramma and Aunt D at Perkins. I absolutely cannot believe I did not have my camera handy for that moment. To video it or take a picture of her face, their faces. I think my Gramma had no clue. I have my doubts if my Aunt D knew or not, but matters it does not. ---But how weird would that be, to walk up, haven't seen them in a couple years and instead of smiling and hugging, I'm videoing? Odd bird. Maybe glad I didn't. Phew. We had a nice lunch, she asked why were there, my Aunt knew but she did not, the surprise part was the next day and she was oblivious. :) Insert evil laugh. :) So we said we were there to simply say, "Happy Birthday". I think she bought it. She was too busy being happy to see us to question much I guess. We are stinkers. We go back to the hotel and let the kids happily swim while we all sit around the pool catching up. Much fun. This night we are going to surprise my Uncle at the bowling alley where he works. I'm bowling!

My sister calls the GPS a "Never Lost". ??? I like it. Sold.

Did you KNOW it was so flat in Ohio? I am ignorant. I see this quickly.

Now we are driving 40 minutes to a bowling alley to surprise my uncle-wait it turned out to be an hour.... This, could be a book. We are having adventure. Plus I drove by myself to a store in a place I do not know!!! Something called Meijers? Not too far from the hotel but still.....Its the small things. Really. So proud that we are doing this little thing without the boys. We don't need our hubbies for EVERYTHING. Just SOME things. Ahem..... BTW both of the Littlest' ears are infected. My poor honey-and I'm all the way here. But he's got it. He so does.

My sister beat me in bowling. She got a 136 and I got a 124 and I don't like it! Here's a picture of me after I got a strike; uh the ONE time I got a strike...wait I think I had two. Yep, I had two. I had a margarita (sorry Hol) and the kids had a blast, and my sister organized everyone's shoes because clearly, very clearly, she's a nut like that. :) Who cares? Shoes were everywhere, we all had our beautiful bowling shoes on, and she just lined them up, paired them up, I even took a picture after she did it. I'll refrain sharing it here. Just imagine a picture of rows of lined up organized shoes. That about sums it up my friends. Me, not so organized, her very organized. I'm ok with that. I kind of like it that way really. Fur real yo.

It's night time, it's late. We get back to the hotel very late. The kids are laughing maniacally in the back seat, deliriously tired I suppose. We get them cleaned up, as my sister calls it, "jammified" and in bed. We do the same. It was 1230 am when I laid my head to sleep on that pillow. I'm solidly and firmly in "la la" land when my cell phone rings!! I fly out of the bed and grab it fast, it's my honey. Dang that's a loud ring. I'm ready to chew him out (and still did I think) when he tells me what my ears could not comprehend, "SKYBUS is now closed for business, no more flights, you have no way home." Eh? Surely you jest. I look at the clock, wildly thinking, look at the sleeping kids and my frowning sister who is absolutely glaring at me, back at the clock I look to remove my locked eyes from her mean looking ones :) and I am silent. Thinking. Processing. I go to the bathroom turn on the light and close the door not to wake the kids. I harshly whisper to my husband, 'but what are you talking about and why are you telling me this now what can I do now at 130 in the morning, I'm utterly exhausted' type thing I'm sure I said. I need my sleep I'm CERTAIN I said. I decide my sister needs to know at this very second since I do (I mean why should I worry alone?) and I go out and whisper to her what he's told me. Add this to the list my friends, this really happened. We are now stranded in Ohio. Clearly we thrive off drama and we went to bed thinking this, it's mandatory you know, it helped us to think this way. OMG, we have no way home, we're stuck here forever with these two kids. What oh what shall we do? Save me, save me. I'm sure it did help us to think this way. It didn't last long as the last thought I had in my head before numbly falling asleep was 'well, I'll just drive home with this rental car we have'. That helped me fall asleep quicker. I feel certain it did. But still.. I heard my sister tiptoe off to the bathroom and call her honey. Beleive me, I didn't know it then, but we were about to have one stressed out Saturday morning before my Gramma's surprise party. And man, did we...

....to be continued when I have another chunk of time......soon...I promise...and I know you're waiting with bated breath.....so I'll hurry faster.....just for you.....

Hello World

And I'll be filling you all in with my adventures. I promise you; there were M. A. N. Y.

Going Cross Country

I'll be back when I'm back. Sianara.