Pure Nature

I love capturing beauty. Often things that aren't even 'pretty' are the most beautiful. You have to have your eyes open for it. These are all truly just natural beauty and that is always appealing and calms me. In the biggest way. My fav is the first one. It's an up close of Light Purple Phlox coming back up from last year. I can't wait till it spreads more in that flowerbed...

More.....First Communion

More memories from the day and night. Some silliness but all love and fun.

-J

More to Come....

Some shots from the day....more to come.....

-J

Happy First Communion Day

Congratulations Big Boy, today is a big day for you. We are so proud of all that you have become and are becoming.

--pictures to follow, I'm sure you already knew that though....

:)

Ladybug, Ladybug, fly away home...

I have seen three ladybugs today. One at work at one of the properties. One here at home in the kitchen window stuck between the screen and the window but not in the house, I could see her basically. The third I have just seen dead on the kitchen floor. What in the world does it all mean? I looked it up. There are tons of folklore about them with one common theme; good luck. I could use some of that. Large or small quantity would be fine. I'm not picky. So wassup with that? Very odd isn't it? Hmmm..

Jenn

So loving them...

-J

Popcorn Trees

The Littlest calls these "Popcorn Trees". They are starting to change over to green so I thought I better get another (100th) picture of this tree before its no longer 'popcornish'. There's a road here in town that is lined with these trees, on your way to the Littlest' school. Lined on both sides. When you are driving down it, for only about a week, you feel like you are driving in a Winter Wonderland. Then they turn all green. It's only a moment in time. I have stood out there and taken pictures before with the cars whizzing by. I saw someone out there yesterday morning. Its no wonder. It's beautiful.
Love these trees. Peaceful.

-J

The Simple Naked Truth

We're on our way home from church on Sunday night (Easter). Just me and the Oldest. My husband was sick at home and because his sister, mom, and nephew were here, he kept the Littlest at home while we went to Church.

We talked about God, his upcoming First Communion, and of all things, ultimately Lucas. He had questions about where God is and where God came from. Well, wouldn't I like to know....those are tough questions we as parents do the best we can with..and I did. I also told him why I think it's important and hard to always have your faith in God, even when things are hard. So he says, "Like when Lucas died?" and there we went right straight down that path and there I went, moving the rearview mirror so he could not see my face. We chatted about things he could not remember (more moving of the mirror) and then he softly, kindly, and somewhat simply said, "Well what would be the point in God letting Lucas live if he was so sick when he could just as easily be in Heaven where he wouldn't hurt anymore?"........................................Well. What WOULD be the point in that reader? I surely don't know. And that is the simple innocence of youth. The intelligence of a child. Doesn't it speak volumes? How easy it all sounds. So I quietly nodded, it was all I could do. I nodded confidently and distinctly so he could see I was saying yes without having to utter a word. Too busy holding my breath so not to let him hear me cry..
When did it happen? When did he become this astute little guy at the age of only 8.5? It's been there all along. He is smart, lots of kids are. With him comes emotional knowledge. And as proven by him in that car ride, he has forgotten the details, thank goodness one side of me says and the other side is very sad to learn that. Silly to admit it, but it's so true. I want him to not know the details, why should a child remember losing their brother in detail? He knows it happened; done. But there is a fear in me that he will just plain forget. It's the same fear that literally plagues me about myself and others around me. I'm subconciously on a quiet mission that no one forget Lucas. I know they can't, they wouldn't, I know that. But I'm afraid of it still.

The simple naked truth from my oldest child. It's been glaring me in the face for a long time now. To hear him say it in one sentence just like that, well, it brought tears. Of course, he was too sick to live. It was destined to be that way. Ironically, in church this past Sunday, in the middle of a prayer after accepting the Eucharist, I said to God, "do you remember how I begged you for his life? do you remember how loudly I screamed at you? do you remember I prayed so hard, I sobbed with sweat on my forehead? I remember. It's ok." and always the tears; then and now. Always. For a miriad of reasons but yes, always the tears.

Just Call Me Mister

So. I got these tests done on lots of things. Maybe I've been a little worried. Ok, probably more worried than I've let on. Rightly so. I have these wierd things going on and that's why I went and had the tests done; to ease my mind.

The results came back. I'm reading through them. Normal, normal and more normal, everything. I'm feeling stress literally reel out of my body, a little like a balloon deflating small bits at a time. By the time I get to the last page, something catches my eye. You know the part where they mark in whether you are a male or a female? Yeah, you know, that part. How 'bout they think I'm a male? How 'bout they marked that I am a male? Hmmm. Really? You think the results are a bit SKEWED maybe? Stress reinflates me. I have about zero confidence in the results as they are marked for a male. I am clearly NOT a male. In no way shape or form do I resemble a male. I mean, hey, we talked about your perception BEING your reality and everything but that is absurd.

Come on people, work with me here. Man are they going to hear from ME in the morning. Phew. I'm all done here. Just done. D.O.N.E. Just call me Mister. Go ahead, it kind of just rolls off the tongue doesn't it? Notsomuch. There isn't a male bone in my body. And THAT my friends, you can rely on.

Me; Today

Ok so I'm not as skinny as the tallish model but I'm not as bad as the nice lady trying to do the splits either.....this is brave of me to put myself on here. My middle sister took these and I let her, my hair was not done, pulled back in ponytail (I got no time to fix my hair before we left, and I planned nicely thankyouverymuch) and just looking very plain but I let her. And here I am. I have confidence in myself to some degree...well, I do. So, I know I am going to improve my body for my health and well, that can only help my physical appearance. At least, this is what I think. I like me for me on most days. So there you have it. There I am.

Jenn

-J

Your Perception IS Your Reality

It's funny. Not really Ha Ha funny, but you know, amusing in a suttle understated kind of way......how you have one perception of yourself and the reality is one entirely different thing? Ok. I THINK I like how I look. How far I've come, I have lost this slow weight, and sometimes I look in the mirror and actually am happy with what I see. Really? I wouldn't say I think I've no further to go.....I totally know I'm still overweight, see me down there, trying to do the splits? I'll get it one day....

Kidding, only kidding, this is not me up there but some days, I look in the mirror and I think that is me....yet other days I feel I look like a beautiful runway model (ok notsomuch but you know, better than the gal above doing the splits...) Now the tall thin chick above her? I can't get her picture down here quite right but you see her, up there, looking all you know, in a suit, all thin and what no? Kay. Yes, I'm being very sarcastic all the way around, but you get the idea.

Then you see yourself in a picture and the whole balloon gets deflated. I'll keep at it, I have to, I'm not going back that's for sure. I look in the mirror, I think I like how my body is changing but looking at it through the lens of another, phew. Depressing for a second. What's the lesson here? Don't go gettin' a big head? Right. Lots farther to go. Stay tuned. Maybe by summer or summers end, I'll do an update (good grief, maybe sooner..)

Ugh. But un ugh. :)

Jenn

Easter Gatherings....

Just above; cousins. Very handsome.
All four cousins; quick take the shot!
My handsome Littlest.............
My handsome Oldest..we made him sit there.....poor thing

Happy Easter, where does this time of ours go?

Jenn

May You Have a Peaceful Weekend

Enjoy your children, enjoy your family, cherish the moments, we are so lucky in this life. Even when it seems things are bleak, dig deep, it's going to be ok.

Happy Easter 2008.

Values? Rules?

What do you do when someone in your family is just so opposite of the family values you try every day to instill in your own children? That they just don't get it, and possibly think you are overbearing, over the top, or something even more mildly along those lines?

We have rules! There are boundaries! We are overprotective and I'm not going to apologize for it anymore. I think we have a healthy dose of reality check (ok well I do) and I'm usually some percentage of alert when we are holding on too tight and I try to adjust, I try to loosen the reins when I can on the 'overprotective' deal. But still, it's never going to be like other people, we are never going to be the footloose and free family with our rules, saftety and boundaries. If those around us, who are close to us, don't get that by now, I'm just not sure what to say. Thank God most parents don't know what its like to lose a young child. Yeah, I know, blah blah blah. I'm not going there, don't worry....BUT...my point remains, and I stand strong on it. We had rules anyway before he died but as time has gone on, we have come to a (somewhat-ok-slightly) healthy place about it all. And any modifications we have made in that deptartment are basically exactly where they are. So when we say the rule, or how we want something to go, the Oldest better listen. He knows this. Usually he does listen. When he's around others, sometimes he does not.

Just frustrating. And even if something goes wrong in front of someone else, my husband is very highly unlikely (unless it's huge) to say it's gone wrong in front of other people. So I am left to look like the bad guy. When we get home, then he lets it all out and those who he should have made it known in front of never know, they think all was fine and then we hear it at home. Sort of not fair and definitely not fair for the Oldest who is probably confused by it all. I try to be the middle man in those situations and normally they don't go too well.

Overall, I'm not sure how to fix the whole deal. Pull back I think is the answer. Sadly. I guess that's it. It's a fine line, a delicate thing and hard to say to someone you are close to the things that sometimes need to be said. Better not to stir the pot. There's enough pot stirring around here. Done deal, can't change it, moving on.

J

Happy St. Paddy's Day

I'm part Irish don't you know...(hmm I'm sure a few of you are not surprised with my rise em up temper I can get now and again..) so for even the small bit o' Irish in this girl, I say to you Top O' The Mornin' To Ya. I hope this is the greenest most fun day of the week. For all. Drink a bit o' green beer and make a yummy green dinner for your fam. I think I will; and surprise them all.

Fun.

Yoga

So I've been taking Hot Yoga. It's 100 degrees in the practice room. I love it. Sweat my butt off, am the biggest one in there but I am not supposed to put myself down and be proud of what I am accomplishing. So I am working on that. There are WAY too many mirrors in that place. I can vouch for that.

It's Hatha Yoga and the class is getting harder and harder. I always thought of myself as a flexible person but that has now made me chuckle out loud. Flexible? Negativo. But my body is re learning to stretch and balance and be quiet, enjoying the moments given to me. It's super good for my soul. Expensive, won't be taking it again BECAUSE it's expensive but I will be continuing on my mat at home. For sure. My muscles are sore a lot now and this is good. I do my arm weights twice a week, should be more, but I'm getting there. Walking will start soon and summer is coming. I feel myself coming into a new era. I like it. I really do.

Namaste.

-J

Weight

More coming off. Slow but still moving in the right direction. I think since last May about 29 pounds. Very slow (btw, during late Dec/Jan I gained a few couple back, not saying how much but they are all gone now and maybe 1-2 more phew). But I'm ok with this. Maybe slow is best. We'll see. I know I told you I gave up chips for Lent and let me tell you, it's killing me. I asked my honey today, "do you think God would forgive me if I ate chips today?" (knowing he would but I'd be missing the point of sacrificing something even small and silly such as chips, can I not even do THAT?) and you know what he said to me? He said, "no". What? Whaddya mean, 'no'? Of course he would! Dang it.

I'm absolutely missing the point. This is not supposed to be easy but who ever thought giving up something so trite and silly would be this hard? And who the heck EVER said it takes 14 days to break a habit? I've not had chips for almost six weeks tomorrow (Lent began in early Feb) and in no way shape or form has my habit or yearning for chips; tortilla or regular, come to a screeching halt. I will walk in that pantry and stare at the bag of chips that is still there, that clearly I'm the only one in this family who eats (still same amount in same bag from before Lent), and I walk back out. GG. What is WRONG with me?

14 days schmorteen days. I don't think so. I can't even go to Mexican which is my hands down fav, chips salsa and margarita and I'm a happy silly girl.

Wah wah. My silly problems are not really problems. They are just minor irritations. I know this. I so do.

IJS

The Oldest has another condition besides CTS and it's called IJS. It's horrible. It's not quite as debilitating as CTS but when he exhibits the traits and side effects of it, I get sent over the moon and rainbow all at the same time. Have you ever heard of IJS? It's called the "I Just Syndrome". Here are a few examples of when it rears it's ugly head (all.the.time.):

• Oldest, please don't put that there, it's going to fall. His reply? I just want to...(blah blah)
• Oldest, no running, you're getting the Littlest all wound up, it's almost time for bath/bed. His reply? I just want to....(etc etc)
• Mom can I have a piece of gum? Yes. He takes a piece of gum. Thirty seconds later, he comes back. Can I have another piece of gum? I give him a sly look and pause but concede with a sigh. Yes. Fifteen seconds later, he comes back. Can I have another piece of gum? What? No. What are you doing, using it to stop a leak? No. Go away. Put the gum down. Oldest, put the gum down now. He looks at me. I kid you not. He says, "I just want to have three pieces in my mouth at the same time!" I just? I just, I just, I just, you have the IJS syndrome it's clear you do. Can you not hear me? N.O. But, but, mom, (and he's slowly picking it up again), I just....fireworks ensue and he's chased from the kitchen. Phew.

IJS. I hope your child doesn't have it. It's their way of making everything right and ok. I just this and I just that, I just want it, I just need it, I just have to have it. Yeah, hear me now. I just don't think so. Peace out.

Jenn

Fine Line Between Laughing and Crying..

Is it just me? Probably not. I have done it before, did it again last night. It's very strange, I've researched it on the web and find that indeed, I'm not the only one. I'm not saying there are hoards and hoards of folks lined up with this issue, simply, I'm not the only one. Huge sigh of relief. I won't recount the entire story, I'm not up for pages on the blog tonight but I will tell you it started with me being sad, crying, emotional. In the middle of the night, actually woke up at 4 am, staring at the wall, thoughts racing, landing softly on Lucas. There are certain memories of him that evoke the strongest reactions and as I've said before, I've no control of when they come or not, it's usually something out of my control that sets off a memory. Sometimes it's even something someone unwittingly says, truly having no clue that what they said, set me off on the path of no short return. Having my private pre dawn early morning moment in the dark, I started sneezing. Holding them in not to wake anyone, one after the other, until I thought, 'I hope I don't have a sneezing attack' and this thought led to 'what if I was at work and had a sneezing attack' and 'what if I bashed my head on the desk in a sneezing fit'....this evoked outward laughter from me. I held my hand to my mouth (well hell, I guess I'm telling you the story now aren't I?) to try to hold it all in and I brought control and quiet in a forced way. Then my thoughts went from thing to thing to thing till finally they ended up that this would be a great prank (yet two moments earlier I was crying uncontrollably, quietly and softly but no control) I could play on someone at work. Then I go step by step how I'd play it out, how it would work, and how it would turn out till the reveal of the prank on this person that deserves it and I burst out laughing in the middle of my dark bedroom with my husband, the Littlest (don't ask), my sweet little nephew (don't ask) and me. I feel the bed move in a sudden jerk and hear my husbands sharp quite loud 'chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' like a low whistle but sort of a "shhhhhhhhhh"? This made me erupt in serious uncontrollable laughter. Fur real. I had to quietly and quickly get up from the bed hand to mouth, unable to breathe, laughing hysterically (help me), and leave the room. Halfway down the dark hallway I burst into tears.

I suppose the same emotions that drive laughter are intrinsically tied to those that drive crying. You use the same facial muscles and your breathing is quiet similar...and you know, it helps when you are actually unstable and crazy like I am...so there you go. I often wonder how I make it through my days whole. If you only knew how many things I hear, see, or remember that set me off on this path of remembering, brimming tears, sometimes happy memories of holding Lucas, rocking him, feeding him, playing etc and sometimes even listening to the sanity (or insanity) of another parent in some facet who too has lost a child.

Two nights ago, my husband and I were watching a show, what was it......of course, I cannot recall, but I do remember that the father was saying, in some scenario that (paraphrasing) he remembered his wife saying she did not think people understood how driven she was that nothing happen to her children because if something did happen to one of them, and she lost another one, she could not go through that again. She was overprotective to a fault and I think she ultimately committed suicide. Whatever show we were watching insinuated that he may have killed her but the official report is she killed herself in the end. A couple who clearly did not make it after the death of their child. Now. I'm not saying that is me, or that is him, or that is us. We've been through all of that and back. The part that still exists (I guess I am writing pages tonight..) is the overprotective part. For both of us, but if I had to measure who was more overprotective, I'd say my honey wins that one. I personally think it's his way of dealing with Lucas' death but also and probably more predominantly because what that man said his wife said and felt, is flowing through his (and our) veins as well. I think it's our biggest fear. It's the top layer of us and the bottom layer of us. We are happy. We laugh. We joke. Oh yeah, we really are, we really do and we really really do..but beneath it, fine line beneath it, lies the fear. Just a pin prick and you'll find a deep chasm of fear for our childrens' safety. All parents have it. We have it exponentially so. A couple more heaps on the plate of it.

ex: We were at the park last Sunday with the boys. I had the Littlest, he had the Oldest. We were near bleachers. The Littlest wanted to climb them. I allowed it but I was right there. Right.There. Sadly, actually thinking he was going to fall, probably not giving him enough credit as he's pretty agile and athletic. Along come two little girls, his age, with their parents and a dog. The little girls see the Littlest and decide they want to climb too (this stresses me immediately) and the parents don't even flinch, they keep walking, they never even come stand by the bleachers to make sure they were safe. Of course, I'm in disbelief (yes it's bad) and I watch them FOR them, and as I see the backs of their parents, I think, "they have no idea" and the irony is probably that I need to get a clue. Let go. Let them fall more. Don't expect the worst. Keep a watchful eye but ease up. But then, what if.......??

That fine line between laughing and crying, it's there for everyone. I'm in touch with my line, like real close. When I still cry for Lucas, for what happened, which isn't as much as before but still very real, it's for so many things. Maybe the biggest thing now is what it has meant for us. Hard to explain.

I am the responsible one. I try to think clearly always. I always try to see both sides whether I'm right or wrong. Some people walk around thinking they are always right. Sad. For me, when I'm wrong, I try to say it right out. Dig deep, get past the pride and just say it. What does this have to do with any of the above? Everything. It's because I'm responsible and a level attempt at clear headedness that all of this drives me mad. Makes me feel I MUST be mad. How did I get to be this way? Overly analytical and have to talk things through seven ways till Sunday....

I guess tis' me. Plain and simple. The laughing, the crying, it's all part and parcel. Take it or leave it. I guess I have no choice. I have to take it. I can't change it. So there you go. Venting complete. Therapy session done. It's a wrap.

J

Public Display of Apology

I have done a terrible thing. I missed Tammy's birthday this past week. I realized it the day after and still never said anything. Worse than horrible. I kept thinking I'd deal with it later, send her something one day last week, never did and never did and Tammy, I'm so sorry. I'm not going to say I'm too busy, we all are. Birthdays are important. Celebration of life. You are such a special person and more importantly, a special person to me. Please know that.

Watch for the mail, it'll be late, but it'll be there. Just know I love you. I'm a schmuck, I let life get in the way of life. Wrong and more wrong. Not supposed to not acknowledge birthdays of those I love. I will work on it. I will do better. I am resolved.

Happy belated birthday, and enjoy your 38th year of life. This one will be one to remember. I feel your house will be delivered this year. I'm writing it down.

Love to you.

Jenn

First Communion

So the Oldest goes to Sunday School (or Religious Education), has been for a couple years now. I think it's fantastic, it helps us reinforce teaching him about God, and why we think it's important for him to know God and how to open his heart and mind, while showing him how he can live his Faith. Granted. He's just eight and he cannot possibly understand it all; the implications of how God (and Jesus) have affected our lives already even taking Lucas out of the equation, it's still huge. AND I acknowledge that we cannot force him to believe anything and I want to be open to the fact that the Oldest may grow up and want to take a different path with a different religion. I hope he doesn't, but I'll accept it if he does. I just want him to know God and of God. I think that Catholisicm encompasses so much of what I believe and what is comfortable and peaceful to me. I hope that he grows to know the same but for now, I want him to know the simple things. Like that he can pray to God in whatever way he is comfortable, in his own words, his own voice, that he should not be intimidated by it. Or like the fact that he can believe in God, and know that he is there always even in the worst of times, especially in the worst of times, even when we might not think that He is there, He is.

He has already gone through the Sacrament of Reconciliation and given his first confession. This was tough for me because at such a young age, do they really have huge transgressions they have to speak on and ask for forgivness for yet? BUT I know that this is a learning process and that they are being taught of the importance of asking for forgivness and being forgiven and not to miss the point, it's a teaching, its the beginning of their life and the hope is they live the rest of it in this way. So when the big stuff happens, they already know the right thing to do, where to go, the safe place besides home is always God.

First Communion is the next step in this process for the Oldest. He has taken classes for about two months and he will get to get first communion or the Eucharist for the first time at the end of the month. It will be a huge celebration. We went yesterday to the last class, it was a retreat and every activity they did had huge meaning. I of course got emotional several times. The overall implications and the huge sense of real love that comes from this is so very personal to me, and I hold it very very close to my heart, and sometimes, it just comes out however it does. Yesterday=tears at times.

This has been a good little road he's been on. At times, we've all been with him then we've gotten off the road and let him go ahead without us to be led by others, then we step back on. I want to document all of it so that he doesn't forget anything. When I think back to when I was a little girl, I have had to rely on my sister, Minner, to help me remember my First Communion. But you all know how my memory is an issue....I want him to remember all. For a memory to rely on, know that it was there, to be able to count on it, and for him to remember how proud we are of him. This is a small effort in that vein...somehow one day I'll get all these posts off here and upload them somewhere else so they can always be kept...somehow...

For Lent, he is giving of his time and volunteering once a week at a Retirement Community, Assisted Living. This teaches him the value of other people, to be able to intermingle with other people, to be less shy, and how to give charity other than monetary, that giving of your time and heart is just as good sometimes even better. This will parlay into other things later in life. This I can hope and pray, right?

One Year....

This was the Littlest one year ago. Wow!

Ok Blogger is not being cooperative, I will log on later and finish this post, I'll leave all as is for now. Dang Blogger. Life of me, death of me. blah!