Christmas Cards...

I love them. Love making them, sending them, and love getting them too. It's one of the last bastions of real human interaction; void of email or technology. It's a real effort on someone's part to say 'hello, hope you are well, thinking of you, sending love your way' type thing. Love that. In this day and age, there's too much fast fast and too much texting and emailing and not enough phone calling and sending notes on stationary anymore. I'm guilty of it as well. I know it all too well.

I usually make them. It's my favorite thing ever. If I have even a little time, I make it work, I start early and whenever I have a free second, I work on them in phases. For the last couple of years, I went with the now becoming tradition photo cards. This year, I pulled it out of my hat and decided in September or October, I would make them. In November I started and finished by the end of the month. I think they went in the mail on December 1st or 2nd.

My very good friend Tammy started a Christmas Card contest last year and I loved her concept and the time she took doing it. She did it again this year. Go to her site, check it out. I got "Overall Seasonal Best Card". :) I emailed her yesterday and said, "hey, are you guys doing that again?" cause I was dying to see all her cards and categories. She knows I'm nutty like that. Thank God she accepts me this way. ;) Here's a link.

Thanks Tamm for the shout out but more importantly, thanks because it's the little things like this that make all the difference sometimes. The most meaningful.

Love to you all and hope your Christmas was warm, peaceful, and whatever is important to you was held in it.

Jenn

Merry Christmas

As this year comes to a close, I wish all of you the best now and in the upcoming year. I think it will be a hard one for the country but hopefully we'll all make it through and learn from it. Maybe it'll bring us all closer together.

Merry Christmas, hold your loved ones close and cherish these moments. We aren't promised anything and all of it is a pure gift.

See you on the other side.

It's always about money

Isn't it? I'm just saying. Makes the world go round. Can make you sick to your stomach. Doesn't really matter at all when it comes to importance yet it's the most important thing if you need to pay your bills to live. I hate it. I hate that it matters. I hate that I love to spend it.

Relationships can crumble because of it. I'm not saying I'm there, I'm just saying, I can see why it could happen. It's always about the money.

UGO.

Ponzi

How about that guy who ran a Ponzi scheme for billions of dollars? Where was the SEC? What in the WORLD? It's not like he hoarded away or lost $100,000! We're talking BILLIONS of dollars from several several charities, companies, and individuals. The guy is in his 70's and he admitted to his sons and they turned him in.

It makes no sense to me. Some work so hard for so little and some work so little and ruin it for all. I suppose he'll get his in the end but it will never be enough to repay all of that money or those lives he's ruined; including his family.

Just rotten and I'll never understand crazy stuff like that. Boggles the mind.

-J

We cannot forget...

Every year on this night the world is quiet together at 7pm and lights candles in remembrance of all of those lost angels who have gone before us. Lucas is not the only one. He is my only one, but he is not the only one.

In the past we have gone to CHOP in Philly and participated in the ceremony. The last time we went, I stood in front of hundreds of people and read what I had written in his honor. I tried to be so strong, I willed myself not to cry. I wanted so badly to get through it without even so much as a tremble. Halfway through, the sobs came; they came in front of all those people. I had to stop, compose myself, looked out in the crowd, saw my rock, made eye contact, he held up his hand as if to give me strength and I continued till the end.

The last two years we have not gone because of the Littlest. He unwittingly would not allow for a peaceful gathering, he is quite the hurricane and very boisterous. I very much anticipate next year or the year after when we can begin going again. It's a trip very meaningful to me and quite worth the drive. Every time I drive into that city, heading towards the hospital (I could drive it in my sleep and can see it now), I feel I am coming home. I have said this several times before but I could live there, alone, and never be afraid. It's a sensation that just lives in me; something about the city. Hmm, wonder what it is. ......I know exactly what it is. It's him. It's Lucas. It's where we fought for him, it's where he fought for life, it's where we came to peace with his need to go, it's where we said our goodbyes. Philly is quite a place. I grew very strong there and didn't know it was happening. I became extremely independant in that city. I fell on my knees and hit rock bottom. I can remember sitting in an outer lobby up on the 7th floor looking down on the ground floor with all the people hustling and bustling, parents and kids and visitors, every now and then someone I had come to know would pass down there and I numbly sat and watched it all. The ache in the pit of my stomach and the lonliness that consumed me almost ate me alive. I remember thinking some very dark things back then. I sat and silently cried for some very long moments. Not caring who saw me or even realizing I should care. My husband trying to keep up and work back home, raising the Oldest and me, so far away, praying and watching the doctors every step of the way. My body became someone else's and I couldn't even see myself in the mirror. The weight I put on was invisible to me. When I see myself back then, I seem more than foreign, I seem unrecognizable to myself. All was put on the backburner for Lucas; and gladly so. He didn't win the fight and though his heart was put back right, the rest of his body couldn't catch up.

Tonight at 7:00 we will be silent. Say a prayer and light a candle. To say we miss him..well, that is an understatement. To say we love him..well, of course, and then some. I would build a tunnel and fill it with hugs and kisses straight to him if I could. One day........

and it will be a sweet reunion.

Creating a New Meaning of Success..

We do it all the time. Most of the time without realizing it. When we are young, we have dreams. Sometimes the dreams come as we are older. They grow and morph and change, sometimes materializing out of thin air. If we are impetuous (as some are, certainly certainly not ME though), then our thoughts and whims come as quickly as they go. We reach and stretch and whisper our wants and desires to our dearest friends or loved ones. Sometimes we boldly state them with a margarita in our tummy and our best friend sitting across the table. It just depends.

Really, what IS successful? I mean, good grief, is it making $100,000 a year or more? Is it working your brain to oblivion and stressing yourself constantly AND making $100,000 simultaneously? Is it being a mom and all of the above at the same time? Is it being an author? Is it being a top chef? Is it being the President of a company, or better yet, the country? I have a feeling building success is what is important to you, the person it affects.

Are you a mom? Do you value the time you spend with your child on the floor, laughing, playing, chasing, teaching how to write their name, helping go potty, being a study partner at night, showing how to properly brush teeth, reading before bed? Is that your success? Do you spend a lot of time with your family? Do you say I love you a lot? What is a lot? Is it bad if you do? Can you say I love you too much? I'm all over the place here. Where am I going with this.....

I have aspirations. Things I want. Things keep happening, barriers present themselves and I quietly acquiesce. Take the easy road. Don't fight it. Create new meanings of success without realizing it. I know what success is to me...it's raising my boys and being here for my husband..it's walking tall and helping those I can..but my success that I will create later, I can see it, feel it, almost smell it....and it's up to me to make it happen. I have already acheived a high level of success in my life; I have love and trust and those two things are the base for the rest of it. I'm looking to the next level; the next chapter and what it will mean for us all. I'm looking forward to creating it and watching it blossom..that new meaning of success.

2009 is right around the corner and who knows what it will bring. I pray for good things but I will work for them too.

Dude!

I have lost my keys. Dude, they're gone. Why do we have three sets of keys to begin with? For times like these? But I feel if we only had two, I'd be more motivated to never lose one set.

I lost the car in the parking lot the other night. Dude! That is NOT funny. I felt like a total idiot walking up and down all the aisles with my bags. Like every person who passed me couldn't tell I was panic stricken and hustling all over while it rained big fat rain like in Forrest Gump.

I have lost a present I bought for the Oldest. Can't find it anywhere. I remember thinking, "I need to hide this" and now I have searched high and low; cannot find it. Dude! Stop laughing. Don't even smile.

I have lost my mind; does that count? I can't find it anywhere and I think part of the reason is my brain must be shrinking. It thinks there is too much information in it and has now decided to repel any more therefore causing it to shrink into oblivion. Dude, I'm not even kidding.

There's too much, here and there, get this thing and that thing, volunteer here and there, wrap this and that, wash this load then that one, clean this bathroom, no wait, this one needs it more........to the tune of insanity sometimes. Women take on a lot. With a smile on their face. Bring it on, we can handle it. Then we get pissed when no one thanks us. How can they when we make it so natural and try to take over the world? The guys are like, "go on with your bad self and you must need no thanks from me you're moving too fast". Right? Yep. We create our own deals. I KNOW I do. But I still got that smile dude. Sure do.

The Holidays

--I love the music.
--I love the lights.
--I love the generous spirit of folks and try to ignore the ones not so generous or happy.
--I adore my boys even more during this time, it's a 'moment' to reflect and shower with love.
--I love the peaceful nights (ok aside from racing boys through a messy house, you know what I
mean..
--I love the stress of getting it all done.
--I love making my cards on the years I do. I save a sample every time and put them in a special
place.
--I love making memories.

Been thinking lately. I cherish all those in my life, those that are similar and oh so different. I am grateful for all of you. We have a couple more weeks to go but Merry Christmas to you all. If it were not for our differences, we'd be a pretty boring bunch. :) The world goes round and round and round with all of our differences. As long as we can come together and appreciate them, all will be well.

Jenn

Trust

I hope he knows how much I trust him. That it far outweighs any worry I have. We lead this family together and its do or die together. We raise these boys together and stand against the world together. Despite anything else, I admire him and I am proud of him. More than anyone else in our families, more than anyone else we know, I am his top supporter. I want him to succeed and I want us to suceeed. So I stand beside him. With all the love in my heart.

I will always be there for him and love being his sounding board. On this road with him...? I'd rather be nowhere else. Loving him? I'd rather be doing nothing else. Bar none. It boils down to that. I'm lucky and he's lucky and we fit perfectly. It's really that simple. You can't buy trust. Funny, you can earn it but you can't buy it. I'm glad we have it. I'm glad I have him. Something sweet to be thankful for. My husband and best friend in the world.

It's all ok..

Too much on my mind, too much on my plate, and too much to do. Guess what though? That makes me a lucky girl. I could have 'not enough'. And I don't have that problem so all must be well. I was reading an article the other day about Wynonna Judd. She was talking about all the lessons she had learned and the woes of her life gone past; basically how she's learning to overcome it and embrace life. She made a statement that rang so clearly with me I literally stopped reading, stopped everything, probably breathing for a moment. It is where I am. I related with this statement so perfectly that it literally struck me hard. Here is what she said..."Everything is not ok, but I'm ok with everything." Simple statement right? But man, it means a lot.

What I accept in my life is that I'm alive. All that I will have or want to have will come because I will work for it and make my way in that direction. I've had so many times where I've fallen (figuratively and literally) that it has come to be the norm and maybe I don't let it get me down that long and have learned to move on from the little stuff. I'd rather be up. I choose that. Give me the crappy stuff, sure, and it will come, but I still choose the good. Do I cry and am I sad for things that affect me? Yes. But when I read her statement, I realized, this is how I feel too and have never put it into words.

So my husband isn't working. So he isn't really looking towards finding a job. So I'm worried. So I want to reach for new goals and am finding it a challenge. So I get frustrated from time to time. Everything is not ok but I'm ok with everything. You can choose to accept the life you have and make it a happy one, more than happy, content, kind and loving. Or you can choose to live in worry, look for a tiny snag to open up a box of anger about the next thing that irritates you, manipulate, or even complain about where you are in life. You make your world. I have been learning that. Sure, its sounds so very altruistic doesn't it? Ms. Goody Two Shoes.. always trying to be perfect.

Well, maybe not perfect, but happy. Always trying to be happy. I think Lucas, my sweet ten month old son in Heaven, would at least want me to try for happiness overall in my life; no? It's my choice and I like it. I can honestly say I agree with you Wynonna Judd, my weight may not be perfect, my life may not be perfect, my world may not be perfect, but I'm still ok with it all.