I have a friend who means so much to me. The world. I watch her go through things and my heart tightens up and I sometimes don't say anything because it isn't my place but I worry and I just want her to be so happy in this life. I know she'll find her way, she's strong and smart and on the right path. She's so close. I am so rooting for her.
-J
You cook, you clean, you go to work, you nourish, you love, you scold, you are professional and yet you hang your hat on every dust particle in your home. You are a woman. Some women are Moms and some are not. You are still a woman. We are all made similarly. We are strong.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Potty Training; Done
I've been meaning to tell you and bring it all full circle; the Littlest is done, he's a big boy now, it's over.
He was on board the Wednesday before Lucas' anniversary and it's been all fine since then. He's a big boy and likes to tell us that every chance he gets. If only now his behavior would get on board as well.....
It's a constant work in progress. Big sigh....I know, I know.
-J
He was on board the Wednesday before Lucas' anniversary and it's been all fine since then. He's a big boy and likes to tell us that every chance he gets. If only now his behavior would get on board as well.....
It's a constant work in progress. Big sigh....I know, I know.
-J
Friday, August 29, 2008
Are you KIDDING me? Sarah Palin?
Our future hangs in the very balance. John McCain picks Sarah Palin? Who the hell is she? So if something happens to him and can no longer do his job SHE is who will run our country? He only met her ONE time in person and he picks her over Mitt Romney? Or even for God's sake, Rudy Guliani? I am aghast. I think it's politicial suicide. What is he thinking? Is he thinking she is a woman and that's why he's adding her to his ticket? He doesn't even know how many houses he owns. I mean, is this the man we want running our country? He has no charisma, imagine him in a down and dirty foreign policy meeting with someone that finesse is needed. He can't speak without reading in front of him on the paper, he can't remember what they want him to say. I really don't think he ever truly speaks from the heart; he's just a puppet. His age alone is concerning and he's already made it clear he won't run for another term IF he's elected. Why invest in him? Why invest in another four years which will simply repeat the last eight? I'm not really sure what the discussion is at this point. I'm a woman. I'm shocked and disgusted that he picked this woman. I'm not making a judgment on her character in fact, I feel badly for her. It's his decision to try to manipulate and politic his way through what he knows is a hard road ahead for him. I guess it is politics so more power to him. More power he might need.
There is nothing that even peaks my interest in his agenda or even what he is thinking. I don't want to be closed minded but I think I already have heard and seen enough to make a well informed decision. Tell me what is credible about picking this woman out of the blue? He doesn't even know her! Seriously? I think it's a shame. Shame on you John McCain. You are as transparant as a piece of glass.
That's just my opinion. Take it or leave it.
There is nothing that even peaks my interest in his agenda or even what he is thinking. I don't want to be closed minded but I think I already have heard and seen enough to make a well informed decision. Tell me what is credible about picking this woman out of the blue? He doesn't even know her! Seriously? I think it's a shame. Shame on you John McCain. You are as transparant as a piece of glass.
That's just my opinion. Take it or leave it.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The Short and the Long of It..
At the end of the day it's all yours to claim isn't it? The responsibility, the parenting, the choices, the things you pretend you don't see, all of it. How you handle your life is no one's bag but your own. There are lots of people who walk through this world who find it nearly impossible to accept responsibility for anything they do. They will toil, twist, and turn to find reasons and excuses for their 'things'.
Stand up. Say it. Accept it. Just be done, move on and grow. Try it. It's empowering. Sure; maybe a moment of weakness, the 'oh I screwed up' feeling but bigger, larger than that, more grand than life itself is humility.
Remember this. You cannot control what others do. You simply cannot. The only thing you CAN control is how you respond. Think about that. How.You.Respond.
Just my tiny wisdom for tonight. Tiny.
Stand up. Say it. Accept it. Just be done, move on and grow. Try it. It's empowering. Sure; maybe a moment of weakness, the 'oh I screwed up' feeling but bigger, larger than that, more grand than life itself is humility.
Remember this. You cannot control what others do. You simply cannot. The only thing you CAN control is how you respond. Think about that. How.You.Respond.
Just my tiny wisdom for tonight. Tiny.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Bet You Would Never Have Guessed
Bet you don't know what my favorite sport is in the Olympics. Go ahead; guess. Hmmmm. What do you think? Maybe it's tennis. Maybe it's gymnastics. Maybe just maybe it was watching Michael Phelps swim his very cute booty off to get 8 gold medals. Could be. I liked all that. But I'm sure you'd NEVER guess that I absolutely LOVE syncronized swimming.
Check out this link: It's a top performance medley of all the teams. I find it fascinating. I always look forward to it. Do you KNOW how long they have to hold their breath under water? LONG time. Huge athleticism involved. And in Bejing the Water Cube was packed for each performance so all those who mock and roll their eyes are probably secretly watching. Yes, I know you had to be up at 2 am to see it (or be smart, Google it, and catch it on the web).
Syncronized Swimming. The secret joy of me. It's the little things. They amaze me; literally they do. Tiny moments of being lazy and sucked in. Love that.
-J
Check out this link: It's a top performance medley of all the teams. I find it fascinating. I always look forward to it. Do you KNOW how long they have to hold their breath under water? LONG time. Huge athleticism involved. And in Bejing the Water Cube was packed for each performance so all those who mock and roll their eyes are probably secretly watching. Yes, I know you had to be up at 2 am to see it (or be smart, Google it, and catch it on the web).
Syncronized Swimming. The secret joy of me. It's the little things. They amaze me; literally they do. Tiny moments of being lazy and sucked in. Love that.
-J
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Five Years
If you read here, you know that this comes with the territory. It's part of our life and it will never go away.
Five years ago today, Lucas Andrew died at the age of ten months; an infant who waited for permission to go I still believe. Our infant. Thank God he spent more months at home than he did in the hospital after the botched surgery. Thank God for that.
Today at the graveside, the Oldest said, "was I alive when Lucas was alive?" Do you know how this crushed me? Of course you were alive! BUT then he followed it with "I remember when you told me he was in Heaven I told you I was hungry." And yes, that's about how it went. I couldn't think or breathe at that moment and found it extremely difficult to even utter the words an hour and a half later to him that his brother had died. When we did, he told us he was hungry. He was three. He was hungry. My husband told him that he did say that and it was just what we needed to remind us that he (the Oldest) was still here and he needed us because Lucas now had a better care taker; God. Wow. I never thought of it like that.
This life is a perfect contradiction to me. I try so hard to think about things from both sides of the spectrum, give folks the benefit of the doubt, listen to the complaints and know that there is merit in those thoughts of 'look how tough I have it' and I respect that everyone deserves to feel what they feel. I believe that fully. There are those that realize it is what it is and there are those that think 'well this is my road, this is my path, it's always this hard for me and it always will be'. I am extremely close with someone who thinks that and I have come to realize the less I comment on it, the less it affects my thinking. I refuse to believe my life is on a path on the road called Tough Drive. If you succomb to that thinking, you're toast. I need to be fluffy and happy and positive and soft for this life. Not hard and crunchy. It's all in your mind. --He's gone. It was not fun. It was actually extremely painful and I have effectively buried it down to my toes. It only comes out certain times of the year and it's probably better that way.
There is happy and there is sad. There is loud and there is quiet. Happy can go with loud and laughter and sad can go with quiet and thoughtful. I am both. I don't think I used to be, but I am now. It's that perfect contradiction. I now make the most of this life even when I'm really mad at my boys, when they are fighting and yelling and driving me nuts, I strive to make the most of it. I pick up little things on the street and throw them in the trash, no one sees me. Maybe God. I park (usually) further away to walk more or let someone else get the close spot. I'm no saint but when I see even tiny opportunities to do the kind thing, I go for it. I wasn't always that way. Thank you Lucas. You have made me a better person. I have no doubt and I am not taking you or this life for granted. I'm grateful we had you and while it still may be hard for me to accept the cruelty of it all, you weren't meant for this place.
One day we'll know the exact reason why...but then as my honey says....maybe we already do....maybe it's the Littlest. Who understands that twisted irony? Not me...can't even wrap half my brain around it but then I look at the Littlest and I think...maybe so. Maybe so.
A million pounds of love to you Lucas. I hope you feel it.
Mom.
-J
Five years ago today, Lucas Andrew died at the age of ten months; an infant who waited for permission to go I still believe. Our infant. Thank God he spent more months at home than he did in the hospital after the botched surgery. Thank God for that.
Today at the graveside, the Oldest said, "was I alive when Lucas was alive?" Do you know how this crushed me? Of course you were alive! BUT then he followed it with "I remember when you told me he was in Heaven I told you I was hungry." And yes, that's about how it went. I couldn't think or breathe at that moment and found it extremely difficult to even utter the words an hour and a half later to him that his brother had died. When we did, he told us he was hungry. He was three. He was hungry. My husband told him that he did say that and it was just what we needed to remind us that he (the Oldest) was still here and he needed us because Lucas now had a better care taker; God. Wow. I never thought of it like that.
This life is a perfect contradiction to me. I try so hard to think about things from both sides of the spectrum, give folks the benefit of the doubt, listen to the complaints and know that there is merit in those thoughts of 'look how tough I have it' and I respect that everyone deserves to feel what they feel. I believe that fully. There are those that realize it is what it is and there are those that think 'well this is my road, this is my path, it's always this hard for me and it always will be'. I am extremely close with someone who thinks that and I have come to realize the less I comment on it, the less it affects my thinking. I refuse to believe my life is on a path on the road called Tough Drive. If you succomb to that thinking, you're toast. I need to be fluffy and happy and positive and soft for this life. Not hard and crunchy. It's all in your mind. --He's gone. It was not fun. It was actually extremely painful and I have effectively buried it down to my toes. It only comes out certain times of the year and it's probably better that way.
There is happy and there is sad. There is loud and there is quiet. Happy can go with loud and laughter and sad can go with quiet and thoughtful. I am both. I don't think I used to be, but I am now. It's that perfect contradiction. I now make the most of this life even when I'm really mad at my boys, when they are fighting and yelling and driving me nuts, I strive to make the most of it. I pick up little things on the street and throw them in the trash, no one sees me. Maybe God. I park (usually) further away to walk more or let someone else get the close spot. I'm no saint but when I see even tiny opportunities to do the kind thing, I go for it. I wasn't always that way. Thank you Lucas. You have made me a better person. I have no doubt and I am not taking you or this life for granted. I'm grateful we had you and while it still may be hard for me to accept the cruelty of it all, you weren't meant for this place.
One day we'll know the exact reason why...but then as my honey says....maybe we already do....maybe it's the Littlest. Who understands that twisted irony? Not me...can't even wrap half my brain around it but then I look at the Littlest and I think...maybe so. Maybe so.
A million pounds of love to you Lucas. I hope you feel it.
Mom.
-J
Monday, August 18, 2008
Mamma Mia!
I am here to tell you. It was an awesome and very fun movie. Even the ridiculous parts were fun. I never rolled my eyes; not once. Well, at least not until the end when two guys got together, I was totally not expecting THAT!
If you haven't seen it, go here,
check out the trailer, I would see it again. Absolutely. My husband went with me and he liked it too. Probably not as much as I did but he still liked it. We were both tapping our feet and moving in our seats by the end of the movie.
V, it was ELECTRIC in there too with our crowd. Very funny. That alone made me chuckle.
Loved this movie, go see it! It's a musical so there's lots of SINGING but all ABBA and all fantastic. Didn't even mind Pierce Brosnan singing; it was part of the cheekiness of the movie.
Potty Training; I get an F.
I get a big fat F in this class. You didn't know? Potty training your child is a class; you either pass it or you don't. I don't. I suck. I'm awful. I do all the wrong things despite my positive attitude and fake smile pasted on my face. Despite my "you can do this Littlest! it's easy!" despite all my tricks, motivation, bribery, being nice, being stern, being non chalant, being direct, despite it ALL; I suck.
Get this. I told him it was time to try because I knew he had to go. He's been holding it all since this morning. Gone nothing. Not one way or the other. He quietly picked up the new big boy potty chair we just bought at Target as a last ditch effort and brought it up stairs, told my honey that I told him to do that (what does he know?) and comes quietly back down stairs. I catch on on the back end, realize what he did (remove the threat from his immediate space ahem) and go upstairs to get the potty chair. He races ahead of me and goes to take it to the bathroom and closes the door so I can't get in there.
This is all out war. He's way too smart. He tells me the potty is "scary" and just keeps saying over and over and over again, "I don't WANT to". How do you force a child to do it? Also, he's done it several times but is just not consistent with it. I have used a timer, I have done everything. Saturday he went twice poopy on the potty and I thought, 'ok we're on our way'. Notsomuch. Sunday was a bear. And this morning all ready the only time he went was in his undies and after that nothing. I have tried three times. He is now three. Officially. I know we aren't supposed to "force" them but he's heading to the "3's" soon and I'm very very worried. I know they'll take him in the new class but this is silly especially because I know he can do it.
What am I doing wrong besides confusing the heck out of him? I have conveyed these are our expectations and what else? I mean, really, I am at a loss. The Oldest got it in no time flat, it was EASY with him. Geez, I actually thought it would go down like that this time. Big surprise for me.
I am about to call the Potty Whisperer to come here. How much is she anyway? I'm almost there because OMG I so suck at this. He's got me down in a choke hold and I am about to tap out. No joke.
Get this. I told him it was time to try because I knew he had to go. He's been holding it all since this morning. Gone nothing. Not one way or the other. He quietly picked up the new big boy potty chair we just bought at Target as a last ditch effort and brought it up stairs, told my honey that I told him to do that (what does he know?) and comes quietly back down stairs. I catch on on the back end, realize what he did (remove the threat from his immediate space ahem) and go upstairs to get the potty chair. He races ahead of me and goes to take it to the bathroom and closes the door so I can't get in there.
This is all out war. He's way too smart. He tells me the potty is "scary" and just keeps saying over and over and over again, "I don't WANT to". How do you force a child to do it? Also, he's done it several times but is just not consistent with it. I have used a timer, I have done everything. Saturday he went twice poopy on the potty and I thought, 'ok we're on our way'. Notsomuch. Sunday was a bear. And this morning all ready the only time he went was in his undies and after that nothing. I have tried three times. He is now three. Officially. I know we aren't supposed to "force" them but he's heading to the "3's" soon and I'm very very worried. I know they'll take him in the new class but this is silly especially because I know he can do it.
What am I doing wrong besides confusing the heck out of him? I have conveyed these are our expectations and what else? I mean, really, I am at a loss. The Oldest got it in no time flat, it was EASY with him. Geez, I actually thought it would go down like that this time. Big surprise for me.
I am about to call the Potty Whisperer to come here. How much is she anyway? I'm almost there because OMG I so suck at this. He's got me down in a choke hold and I am about to tap out. No joke.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Spinning Around
As you can clearly see; I've not had much time lately to devote here. My head is spinning with posts I want to write but time has not been my friend lately.
I dread this time of year. I've come to recognize the signs, I used to have to be reminded by my mom why my moods would be low or swing in July/August but not anymore. I know it. One look at the sky can set me off, watching a bird fly so high I can barely see it is an easy catalyst as well. So high it can be in the Heavens? I do love watching the hawks soar and we have so many here, it's beauty at its best. Isn't it funny how beauty can be sadness too? In so many ways.
I think his memory is raw power and when I'm ultra connected and paying attention I draw from it. But if I'm shifted over a little and not focused, his memory sets me in the wrong direction. Now the Littlest has come to randomly bring up Lucas' name. I'm proud of him and glad he has even slight knowledge of his older brother no longer here but it comes when I least expect it and the sting can be real and sharp. Sucks the breath out of me for a moment when he speaks Lucas' name. I roll, don't get me wrong, but it takes a second for me to get back on solid ground again.
You all know so well what happened, how I've described his hearts' congenital defect, the ill fated surgery, his sickness, his strong fight, and then his decline leading to his death. You know from reading here and even the Lucas site all of our turmoil and deep sadness particulary when we lost him. I won't re hash it all now. Partly because I don't want to step backwards but mainly because it's still painful. I have chided myself and talked the talk, announced I will finish his book, said it outloud so I have to fulfill the task, but still, I cannot bring myself to even read what I wrote. The pain is covered well and even though it's morphed and I'm more healthy than I've been in a long time, the pain is still with me. I suppose if it weren't, I'd be able to breeze through reading the book, remembering the spirit behind it and continue on to it's conclusion. I want to be there and I know I've come a long way, but in the end, I guess I'm not there yet. I still find it difficult to go through his trunk with clothes I kept and different memories from his life. It's very very difficult to admit out loud when touching his things that this was right; though I know it is. God doesn't make mistakes right? I don't know. Maybe he does. How do we know? Yes, maybe a shred of doubt. I'm human; grant me that.
I beg for dreams of him sometimes. The more I want it the more they won't come. I'll never not want to dream of him so I suppose by default, I'll never get to dream of him. Sometimes the less you actively chase or desire something, the easier it comes. When we were in Phoenix, I wanted to have my fortune read. I wanted to sit at a table and someone I don't know to tell me how he's doing and who's taking care of him. My best friend says that in Heaven he doesn't need to be cared for, that he's maybe taken on a different role and maybe has a new job in Heaven. I don't know about that. As his Mom, I simply crave to hold him and my last memory of him being awake and ok, cuts like a knife in my heart and if I let myself I'd sob out loud at that one pure memory alone. As a Mom who watched her son die as a ten month old baby, my heart memorizes that he needs to be held and cared for. I can't imagine him in charge of something or taking care of others. Maybe he is. Maybe I need to open my mind a little more. Maybe I don't.
I remember him and his little happy face. I'll never forget how he adored the Oldest. I'll never forget how we adored him. He died August 21, 2003. Five years later and here I am, holding on as tight as ever. Let it go Jenn. Go ahead, say it. Truth is, I have loosened my grip and accepted the loss at it's core. It's all the other stuff that translates into baggage I continue to carry around; well hidden, even from myself sometimes. Funny isn't it? In the most non hilarious way. Funny how life is such a beautiful contradiction. Life. It comes and it goes and then it goes on. I got this phrase that I want to hang in the living room I got with my sister V in Sedona. Remember it V? It says, "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today". I bought it because I have to remind myself of that lots of times.
I'm working on it.
I dread this time of year. I've come to recognize the signs, I used to have to be reminded by my mom why my moods would be low or swing in July/August but not anymore. I know it. One look at the sky can set me off, watching a bird fly so high I can barely see it is an easy catalyst as well. So high it can be in the Heavens? I do love watching the hawks soar and we have so many here, it's beauty at its best. Isn't it funny how beauty can be sadness too? In so many ways.
I think his memory is raw power and when I'm ultra connected and paying attention I draw from it. But if I'm shifted over a little and not focused, his memory sets me in the wrong direction. Now the Littlest has come to randomly bring up Lucas' name. I'm proud of him and glad he has even slight knowledge of his older brother no longer here but it comes when I least expect it and the sting can be real and sharp. Sucks the breath out of me for a moment when he speaks Lucas' name. I roll, don't get me wrong, but it takes a second for me to get back on solid ground again.
You all know so well what happened, how I've described his hearts' congenital defect, the ill fated surgery, his sickness, his strong fight, and then his decline leading to his death. You know from reading here and even the Lucas site all of our turmoil and deep sadness particulary when we lost him. I won't re hash it all now. Partly because I don't want to step backwards but mainly because it's still painful. I have chided myself and talked the talk, announced I will finish his book, said it outloud so I have to fulfill the task, but still, I cannot bring myself to even read what I wrote. The pain is covered well and even though it's morphed and I'm more healthy than I've been in a long time, the pain is still with me. I suppose if it weren't, I'd be able to breeze through reading the book, remembering the spirit behind it and continue on to it's conclusion. I want to be there and I know I've come a long way, but in the end, I guess I'm not there yet. I still find it difficult to go through his trunk with clothes I kept and different memories from his life. It's very very difficult to admit out loud when touching his things that this was right; though I know it is. God doesn't make mistakes right? I don't know. Maybe he does. How do we know? Yes, maybe a shred of doubt. I'm human; grant me that.
I beg for dreams of him sometimes. The more I want it the more they won't come. I'll never not want to dream of him so I suppose by default, I'll never get to dream of him. Sometimes the less you actively chase or desire something, the easier it comes. When we were in Phoenix, I wanted to have my fortune read. I wanted to sit at a table and someone I don't know to tell me how he's doing and who's taking care of him. My best friend says that in Heaven he doesn't need to be cared for, that he's maybe taken on a different role and maybe has a new job in Heaven. I don't know about that. As his Mom, I simply crave to hold him and my last memory of him being awake and ok, cuts like a knife in my heart and if I let myself I'd sob out loud at that one pure memory alone. As a Mom who watched her son die as a ten month old baby, my heart memorizes that he needs to be held and cared for. I can't imagine him in charge of something or taking care of others. Maybe he is. Maybe I need to open my mind a little more. Maybe I don't.
I remember him and his little happy face. I'll never forget how he adored the Oldest. I'll never forget how we adored him. He died August 21, 2003. Five years later and here I am, holding on as tight as ever. Let it go Jenn. Go ahead, say it. Truth is, I have loosened my grip and accepted the loss at it's core. It's all the other stuff that translates into baggage I continue to carry around; well hidden, even from myself sometimes. Funny isn't it? In the most non hilarious way. Funny how life is such a beautiful contradiction. Life. It comes and it goes and then it goes on. I got this phrase that I want to hang in the living room I got with my sister V in Sedona. Remember it V? It says, "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today". I bought it because I have to remind myself of that lots of times.
I'm working on it.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Publication
So I have submitted something for publication. We shall see how it pans out. Expect the worst, hope for the best? Something like that? Yes that about sums it up.
I am overly critical of my own writing. When I read what I submitted (which before submitting it was re read several times and changed and corrected and I was so hard on myself THEN) I felt I could have done so much better. We'll see.
There's room for a little hope but you can't succeed until you fail. Right.
-J
I am overly critical of my own writing. When I read what I submitted (which before submitting it was re read several times and changed and corrected and I was so hard on myself THEN) I felt I could have done so much better. We'll see.
There's room for a little hope but you can't succeed until you fail. Right.
-J
Monday, August 04, 2008
Great Black Wasp Part II
How do they get in here? What do they want? I'm done with them! When they get in they rule the roost and everyone goes running. My honey saves the day.
I swear they have the biggest stingers in the whole entire world. For sure.
I swear they have the biggest stingers in the whole entire world. For sure.
Mojave Desert; Me, Him, the Road and the Coyotes
This is a good one. Promise. Sit tight, get comfortable and get ready for a chuckle or two. Our lives? They are made for books sometimes; at least I think so...
Our flight is from Richmond; we drive there and are met with menacing skies. The first leg of our trip and flight is from Richmond to Atlanta. Our flight is delayed already from the word go because it has yet to arrive....due to bad weather on the East Coast. We sit. We try to keep the Littlest busy. He is lying on the floor (yes, I know, in the airport, PPS, bad Mamma) playing trains, then flinging them across the marble floor as passengers bustle by. Luckily no one trips or falls. We put him in the stroller and walk him up and down up and down the long floors; anything to pass the time. Finally, our plane comes in and we are literally rushed onto it so we are not relegated to being stuck further, they want to get us in the air. We arrive in Atlanta but not in time to make our connecting flight. We have the Littlest and the Oldest, it's 10:15 at night and they are telling us we can't leave for 24 hours. Maybe they don't know me. Ahem.
"Give me one more option" I say to them not so politely (grin) with a tight smile plastered on my face.
And they did. They offered to fly us from us from Atlanta to Las Vegas and would pay for the rental car to drive the rest of the trip. Our original plan is to fly into Phoenix where the wedding is so Vegas isn't that far away; right? Sure. My husband and I look at each other, glance down at the passed out Littlest in the stroller, knowing time has slipped and it's now 11:15 and we've wasted one hour in two Customer Service lines, we realize our fate staying there is not much better. It's instant and words are not necessary, we're going to Las Vegas and we're driving to Phoenix. No hotel, just get off the plane and drive straight through. In my mind, we were already supposed to BE in Phoenix so all this extra hoopla was wasted time; I wanted to be there already. Whatever it took, planes, trains and automobiles if need be.
We arrive in Las Vegas and my mind could not even begin to compute what time it was or even...that we were really in Vegas. Signs for Blue Man Group, for various Hollywood stars shows, I was worn down mentally and physically and this craziness in the airport was buzzing past me in a blur. As we go to the carousel and realize our bags are not there to greet us, we don't dwell long on it, and move along quickly to the rental car task. We know we'll deal with it soon enough, we need our baggage and I can't register how upset I'll be when I let it all sink in.
We get the car without much trouble. Unless of course you count the fact that they were charging us $225.00 for the DAY in that thing, but then again, why worry, we weren't paying that ridiculous fee, the Airline was. And we're off, and thank God for the GPS we brought along or we'd be dead in the water with these boys. Dead dead dead. I insist to drive the first leg. Pride is an ugly thing and so is a husband who pushes himself to the point of sickness and I've been there, it's no fun. I'm first up and glad to do it. Never mind how incredibly my eyes are burning and heavy? They're beyond heavy; I'm operating on auto pilot now. I take the wheel and quickly we're off on a road that turns out to be very interesting. Lots of back roads and no lights, I wonder if we're going the right direction. Silly. Of course we are, we have our trusty GPS. Right. Windy roads and I'm driving as slow as I can because you know, I'm a woman and I'm good like that. Mario Andretti in the seat beside me however asks me no less than twelve times if I'd like him to take over. No. Slow down cowboy, I have it. I suppose it was somewhere around three in the morning when we come to a security check. Hmmm. The man advises us we should have a full tank of gas and to drive slow as we pass the HOOVER DAM. Well. There's something I wasn't expecting to see at all on this trip, the Hoover Dam. You know, at this point, I'm flipped out, it's late, I'm exhausted, we're in Nevada (not on the original itinerary) and now we're passing the Hoover Dam. Oh my how this sent waves of energy through my husband and Oldest child who is now awake. They tell me this is where they filmed a certain part of Transformers and Superman so he tells me to stop so he can take pictures (in the dark mind you). I oblige. Whole bunch of hoopla -notsomuch about the Hoover Dam and its incredible view but more because of the movies.
As we move along in the car, we get further away from the windy roads and are finally met with long runs of flat road as far as the eye can see. Phew! Finally! I notice lots of sand, lots of cactus, and just desolate empty miles in every direction. Where are we? My eyes are like cast iron, I can't turn up the music to keep me awake or the boys will wake and it's so hot I can't open the window for air on my face. As there are no cars for a trillion miles behind us, I see no need for the rear view mirror and turn it to my face. I am now doing facial exercises and making funny long faces at myself in the mirror at an attempt to keep myself awake. I swerve several times, not good, I know, now start singing out loud just enough for myself to hear, "La la la la laaaaaaaaaaa". Not working. I notice something in the road ahead of me. What is it? More than a something its some things and they are moving. Coyotes. Walking very slowly across the dark desert road. I have no choice but to slow down. One is looking straight at us and I see his beady eyes glaring into the headlights of our car. Am I dreaming? Am I so delirious that I'm making this up like a mirage in the desert? No. They are real and I have to swerve to miss them and man I gas it hard. This wakes up my husband and he thinks I just can't drive but in defense, I tell him what happened and he tells me to pull over, he'll drive now. I.am.not.pulling.over.now.to.save.my.life. I absolutely envision those coyotes just waiting for a car to stop and people to get out so they can devour them into bits and pieces. No. I keep driving in misery and fear. So tired now I can not believe we're putting ourselves through this. At some point I begin to seriously doubt where we are, where we are going, and if we are going to be ok.
Finally after countless miles of desolation, no lights, no cars, just us, the pitch black road and the video game white lines that never ended, we see a gas station. In the middle of nowhere it appeared and I was glad to see it. It was there we switched and I think my eyes were closed in seconds. Just give me ten minutes of sleep, it's all I need. The road blends into darker abyss as we drive and drive and we can tell the sun will be coming up soon, light begins to slowly fill the sky and at some point we trade back so I'm driving when the sun rises full in the sky. The boys wake up and are excited to see we are driving parallel with a cargo train and we begin to see cars and activity and less desert. What desert is it anyway? Still we don't know. We make it to Phoenix with none of our baggage; just us and our boys and the car. We eat breakfast at a Chick Fila where there was not a soul the entire time we ate. I completely felt we were in the twilight zone now. No one at Chick Fila? Not one person? Apparently they are just building them out in the West, not many folks know about them so we enjoyed a very peaceful and quiet breakfast after all the zaniness of the previous night and early morning.
It wasn't until days later that I remembered to ask my Aunt, "By the way, if we drove from Vegas to Phoenix and drove through a desert, what desert was that anyway?"
"Oh I wish you had called me." she said.
"Why?" I asked.
"You all drove straight through the Mojave Desert. Now THAT'S a desert. It's barren, nothing for miles and miles." was her answer.
The Mojave Desert? I've heard of it; and not in a good way. It instilled more fear into my heart. I was scared for what we did in hindsight -realizing it was not a smart decision for us to drive like that through the night. We were put on the spot and made an impetuous decision. We were given a choice and we took control of a situation we otherwise had no control of. It's what I asked for, 'another option'. Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it; eh?
Our flight is from Richmond; we drive there and are met with menacing skies. The first leg of our trip and flight is from Richmond to Atlanta. Our flight is delayed already from the word go because it has yet to arrive....due to bad weather on the East Coast. We sit. We try to keep the Littlest busy. He is lying on the floor (yes, I know, in the airport, PPS, bad Mamma) playing trains, then flinging them across the marble floor as passengers bustle by. Luckily no one trips or falls. We put him in the stroller and walk him up and down up and down the long floors; anything to pass the time. Finally, our plane comes in and we are literally rushed onto it so we are not relegated to being stuck further, they want to get us in the air. We arrive in Atlanta but not in time to make our connecting flight. We have the Littlest and the Oldest, it's 10:15 at night and they are telling us we can't leave for 24 hours. Maybe they don't know me. Ahem.
"Give me one more option" I say to them not so politely (grin) with a tight smile plastered on my face.
And they did. They offered to fly us from us from Atlanta to Las Vegas and would pay for the rental car to drive the rest of the trip. Our original plan is to fly into Phoenix where the wedding is so Vegas isn't that far away; right? Sure. My husband and I look at each other, glance down at the passed out Littlest in the stroller, knowing time has slipped and it's now 11:15 and we've wasted one hour in two Customer Service lines, we realize our fate staying there is not much better. It's instant and words are not necessary, we're going to Las Vegas and we're driving to Phoenix. No hotel, just get off the plane and drive straight through. In my mind, we were already supposed to BE in Phoenix so all this extra hoopla was wasted time; I wanted to be there already. Whatever it took, planes, trains and automobiles if need be.
We arrive in Las Vegas and my mind could not even begin to compute what time it was or even...that we were really in Vegas. Signs for Blue Man Group, for various Hollywood stars shows, I was worn down mentally and physically and this craziness in the airport was buzzing past me in a blur. As we go to the carousel and realize our bags are not there to greet us, we don't dwell long on it, and move along quickly to the rental car task. We know we'll deal with it soon enough, we need our baggage and I can't register how upset I'll be when I let it all sink in.
We get the car without much trouble. Unless of course you count the fact that they were charging us $225.00 for the DAY in that thing, but then again, why worry, we weren't paying that ridiculous fee, the Airline was. And we're off, and thank God for the GPS we brought along or we'd be dead in the water with these boys. Dead dead dead. I insist to drive the first leg. Pride is an ugly thing and so is a husband who pushes himself to the point of sickness and I've been there, it's no fun. I'm first up and glad to do it. Never mind how incredibly my eyes are burning and heavy? They're beyond heavy; I'm operating on auto pilot now. I take the wheel and quickly we're off on a road that turns out to be very interesting. Lots of back roads and no lights, I wonder if we're going the right direction. Silly. Of course we are, we have our trusty GPS. Right. Windy roads and I'm driving as slow as I can because you know, I'm a woman and I'm good like that. Mario Andretti in the seat beside me however asks me no less than twelve times if I'd like him to take over. No. Slow down cowboy, I have it. I suppose it was somewhere around three in the morning when we come to a security check. Hmmm. The man advises us we should have a full tank of gas and to drive slow as we pass the HOOVER DAM. Well. There's something I wasn't expecting to see at all on this trip, the Hoover Dam. You know, at this point, I'm flipped out, it's late, I'm exhausted, we're in Nevada (not on the original itinerary) and now we're passing the Hoover Dam. Oh my how this sent waves of energy through my husband and Oldest child who is now awake. They tell me this is where they filmed a certain part of Transformers and Superman so he tells me to stop so he can take pictures (in the dark mind you). I oblige. Whole bunch of hoopla -notsomuch about the Hoover Dam and its incredible view but more because of the movies.
As we move along in the car, we get further away from the windy roads and are finally met with long runs of flat road as far as the eye can see. Phew! Finally! I notice lots of sand, lots of cactus, and just desolate empty miles in every direction. Where are we? My eyes are like cast iron, I can't turn up the music to keep me awake or the boys will wake and it's so hot I can't open the window for air on my face. As there are no cars for a trillion miles behind us, I see no need for the rear view mirror and turn it to my face. I am now doing facial exercises and making funny long faces at myself in the mirror at an attempt to keep myself awake. I swerve several times, not good, I know, now start singing out loud just enough for myself to hear, "La la la la laaaaaaaaaaa". Not working. I notice something in the road ahead of me. What is it? More than a something its some things and they are moving. Coyotes. Walking very slowly across the dark desert road. I have no choice but to slow down. One is looking straight at us and I see his beady eyes glaring into the headlights of our car. Am I dreaming? Am I so delirious that I'm making this up like a mirage in the desert? No. They are real and I have to swerve to miss them and man I gas it hard. This wakes up my husband and he thinks I just can't drive but in defense, I tell him what happened and he tells me to pull over, he'll drive now. I.am.not.pulling.over.now.to.save.my.life. I absolutely envision those coyotes just waiting for a car to stop and people to get out so they can devour them into bits and pieces. No. I keep driving in misery and fear. So tired now I can not believe we're putting ourselves through this. At some point I begin to seriously doubt where we are, where we are going, and if we are going to be ok.
Finally after countless miles of desolation, no lights, no cars, just us, the pitch black road and the video game white lines that never ended, we see a gas station. In the middle of nowhere it appeared and I was glad to see it. It was there we switched and I think my eyes were closed in seconds. Just give me ten minutes of sleep, it's all I need. The road blends into darker abyss as we drive and drive and we can tell the sun will be coming up soon, light begins to slowly fill the sky and at some point we trade back so I'm driving when the sun rises full in the sky. The boys wake up and are excited to see we are driving parallel with a cargo train and we begin to see cars and activity and less desert. What desert is it anyway? Still we don't know. We make it to Phoenix with none of our baggage; just us and our boys and the car. We eat breakfast at a Chick Fila where there was not a soul the entire time we ate. I completely felt we were in the twilight zone now. No one at Chick Fila? Not one person? Apparently they are just building them out in the West, not many folks know about them so we enjoyed a very peaceful and quiet breakfast after all the zaniness of the previous night and early morning.
It wasn't until days later that I remembered to ask my Aunt, "By the way, if we drove from Vegas to Phoenix and drove through a desert, what desert was that anyway?"
"Oh I wish you had called me." she said.
"Why?" I asked.
"You all drove straight through the Mojave Desert. Now THAT'S a desert. It's barren, nothing for miles and miles." was her answer.
The Mojave Desert? I've heard of it; and not in a good way. It instilled more fear into my heart. I was scared for what we did in hindsight -realizing it was not a smart decision for us to drive like that through the night. We were put on the spot and made an impetuous decision. We were given a choice and we took control of a situation we otherwise had no control of. It's what I asked for, 'another option'. Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it; eh?
Friday, August 01, 2008
Jet Lag
As my mother has informed me (and my body says this is true but I didn't get what was going on till I heard her say it then it all aligned perfectly, my own little light bulb moment)
---jet lag apparantly takes a day or two to set in. It's not right away that you feel the exhaustion, it's a bit later. Didn't know that. Uh huh. It's true. I felt a little tired from the long day of travel but no more than normal. Last night? Totally different story. Walking around in a fuzz. Hmm, I wondered, what in the world is wrong with me? 
Wish I'd known about this stuff for the front end of the trip and the homeward bound trip.
Phewy. It wears off fast; no? I'm hoping because if not, I'll be boiling laundry, cooking clothes, and vacuuming the ceiling here soon. Fur real yo.
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