NASA Art Contest

So the Oldest won first place for his grade in our entire region a contest for Elementary kids and NASA. Pretty cool. He'll be in a calendar, his artwork will be displayed in a local museum until the end of the year and I think he wins other things too. But the coolest part? He's pretty proud. Not too shabby abby.

I have 4,000 other things on my mind but this is the best of them. I promise.

Great job Oldest!

J

Jeep Liberty; Rock Me Gently

This commercial is hilarious and we all love it but the Littlest loves it most. Watch this first then scroll down and see him. Now I realize the video of him (when you get to it) is about two minutes (sorry, I was trying to capture him belting it out like he does and of course, when camera rolls he doesn't really oblige like he normally does) but I don't know how to splice out the stuff I don't need and just leave in the cute stuff. Just pay attention to the part when the wolf jumps in the car, eats the bird, and then spits the bird out. I mean, watch the Littlest for that part, that's when he sings it the loudest. I find it pretty darn funny.

Rock Me Gently

Kay here he is. Again, sorry, it's a bit long. Still makes me smile.

They're Only Blueberries

Sometimes in life, I think we're meant to be at a certain place at a certain time. Fate. God's silent push for things to fall into place just so; you drop your wallet and stop to pick it up but seconds earlier you'd have been hit by a car or you DON'T drop your wallet, you caught it by the edge and saved the extra seconds and got hit by the car. Either way-it happens just how it was supposed to. Agree? Our hardships are grains of sand. What is that song? By Carrie Underwood? She sings a song that says, "Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand and what you've been out there looking for forever, is in your hand." Agree. I get all clogged up sometimes in why why why? Why me? Why this? Why now? But you know, there IS an answer. The answer is because. Just because. The answer is 'show me how you deal with it', the answer is, ' you are this strong, you just don't know it, now keep going. look back later and be proud'. Just when you think, ok, I give, this is it, I'm happy but not all days and that is ok but you think it with a tinge of sadness, like a sad lining but all the stuff in the middle is happy? Just when you think that, you have a clarifying moment. Mine came today.

I'm leaving Costco. In a hurry, going fast, had just enough time to get home and get the Oldest from the bus stop and I mean just.enough.time. Any traffic jam would make me late "just enough time" type thing. So I'm fast walking to my car and I see this couple walking together. I should have seen it coming. There could easily have been a sign flashing over their head saying, "Warning, epiphany coming!" but I still wouldn't have seen it probably. The man is holding a box. You know how they do it. At those warehouse places, they have boxes and cartons and put all your stuff inside. Clearly bags make companies go broke, bags to provide their customers; I digress, what's new. So he's holding a box. Walking. She's holding his arm. They are not old. It was like the arm in arm thing. I love walking like that with my honey. I always put my arm through his arm. I think that is why I was riveted to them, I sensed something in common there. I'm not sure how or why, if he tripped or she pulled his arm but suddenly, a plastic container of blueberries fell to the ground and hundreds (and you know, warehouse portions, more for your money are bigger than normal grocery store containers) of blueberries go everywere, all over the street. I sucked in my breath. This is my reaction. I suck in my breath. Imagine the sound. I can hear it now. Add drama. This is me, dramatically sucking in my breath. Thoughts that flew through my mind......'oh my goodness what a waste! look at those blueberries all over the street, what a mess! I bet she's livid with him!' I watch them, I slow my walk. I want to see what will happen next. I know what would happen if that were me and my husband. We are firey. Too much passion. Whoever had been holding those blueberries, poor soul, that they would have been would have gotten quite a tongue lashing. Be more careful! Take your time! What a waste! Guilt and anger and then the offending party would feel attacked (well my LORD who wouldn't in that scenario?) and it would snow ball resulting in a bad afternoon or something like that. Here is the beauty of it all. Here is what I saw. And here was my clarifying moment.

The wife slowly bends to pick up the container and she smiles. SHE.SMILES. She says as she's looking at the blueberries all over and then back at the container, "They're only blueberries." and the husband calmly looks at her and gives her an acquiecsing smile and takes the container back and puts it in the box. They look at the ground and keep walking. Really? That's it? No words? No sharp words? Either way? Not him to her for making it happen or her to him for letting it happen? Not "what a waste of $7.00?" Nothing? Just love? Yep. I remember thinking, "I was meant to see that." Very plainly. Very calmly. They're only blueberries. But guess what? They ARE only blueberries. And should the spill have been worse, broken glass, broken camera, lost diamonds, the point is, it's all in how you handle it. Lesson learned.

I walk through this life trying the best I can. I want to be a good person in all that I do. Sometimes we are fueled by those around us and we respond accordingly. Pavlov's theory. For me, it's time to step out of my box and control and carry myself even better. I saw that today. It was a message from someone. I got the message. Check. I'll return the call later, for now, while I'm still processing it, just know I'm on it. I'm so on it.

Jenn

Calgon; Take Me Away and it's only 9:29 am

This is him being goofy for a picture; the norm. He's a pretty goofy wide open kid.

So I'm on the phone with someone getting my online password all straight for an account and I waited quite a while to get through. Wasn't hanging up. I hear the Littlest' voice saying, "Mom, I'm downstairs!" over and over again. In the back of my mind (as the front of my mind was concentrating on the call) I was thinking, we don't HAVE a downstairs, he's fine, we ARE downstairs. There is only an upstairs from where we are. Ignore the child for a moment. Continue talking for about 30 seconds more and the Littlest is in my face, "MOM I'M DOWNSTAIRS, COME SEE!" so I tell the woman, "I'm so sorry, please hold for one second." and I follow my sweet little non sensical son. I follow him like the children in the Pied Piper nursery rhyme. All.The.Way.To.The.Garage.Door which was wide open and I watch him go DOWNSTAIRS to the floor of our garage. Straight to his trycycle which he clearly had just been riding By.Himself.While.I.Was.On.The.Phone.Ignoring.Him. Ok. I realize I'm still holding the phone with the woman on the other end while my mouth was hanging wide open. He UNLOCKED the door and simply did what he wanted to do. Easy Peasy apparantly. As I wordlessly watch him happily riding his tricycle in circles in the garage, I put the phone to my ear and continue the call, all the time standing there watching him in amazement. I end the call, and look at him. "Littlest, you aren't ALLOWED to do this, you cannot open this door and come outside by yourself, come inside now." to which he curtly replies

FINE!

eh?

Calgon take me away.

We Are In Control; The Oldest

I remember the 2nd night we were home from the hospital with the Oldest. He was maybe five days old. Of course, probably lots of parents feel odd when leaving the hospital with this new little human being, 'they're LETTING me take him HOME? really? they must not know I am clueless, let me just pretend I know what I'm doing...' . I TOTALLY felt that. Drive home slow. Under the speed limit. Precious cargo! Bring them in the door, leave them in the carrier (what the heck else are you supposed to do with him? it seems a safe bet to leave him be for a while), take pictures while he sweetly sleeps with the beanie cap on his head. Sit and stare. Smile at your honey. Look what we DID! Life is good. Pride abounds. Blah blah blah. Then you look at each other. I mean, really look at each other. Lock eyes. What now? You can actually HEAR the screeching brakes in your mind. And so it begins.

The second night, yes yes, the second night, where was I? So there we are, trying to sleep for an hour knowing the minutes would fly by and crying would ring out in the night, the cries of a hungry baby....sleep sleep, close your eyes, fall asleep, start a prayer, it works every time, just as you are nodding off, "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" and like a flash I am there by his cradle. He needs a diaper change (ugh). NOW. I distinctly remember that with the Oldest (and quite obviously the first child of three) I refused to change his diaper in the beginning. Pretty funny; huh? I thought I was going to hurt him. I really did, no laughing, and I declared early on, before we left the hospital that I would not be changing diapers. After I saw that nurse whip those legs up, masterfully wipe and re dipe, I thought to myself, "Good LORD I'll kill that baby, he's too fragile. I'm NOT changing his diapers. The end." And my husband, sweet soul that he can be was so gentle and adept, he got it right away. So there you go I said, job taken, it's all yours. Well of course you know how long that lasted, right? Till the morning of day 3 at home; exactly. Yes, yes, right, back to the 2nd night at home, good grief I keep getting off track.

Where were we? Oh yes, "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh" and like a flash I was there, he needs a diaper change and I take him to the changing table but wait patiently for my honey to follow me like he was supposed to (remember, no changing diapers). And I'm sure to my husband this was an absurd thought but given I'd just gone through hell and high water to produce this little boonsok, well, I'm sure he was just temporarily obliging me. He arrives after some verbal prodding (who me?) and I stand behind him, oddly looking at this little alien baby, this thing that now commands our every waking second with needs, needs, needs. I stand behind him thinking, "what was I THINKING?" and I watch in amazement at how great he is doing, taking off the diaper, wiping, talking softly, I remember I was so very tired, I dazed out for a moment, like I was there standing up, but I think sleeping at the same time, maybe lulled by my honey's voice. Suddenly, he stands up from bending down to the changing station, stands straight up like a board and yells out loud (while the diaper is off), "He's peeing!" and then as we stand there, not knowing what to do, watching a huge yellow stream of urine go all over the baby, the wall, my husbands shirt, everywhere, we still stand there, looking at this thing like it was something from another planet. We look at each other. The baby is crying. We start laughing. Laughing at the absurdity of it all. How tired we both were. That we were supposed to know what to do. I mean, of course, we knew what to do, but you know, at that precise moment in time, it was so escaping us. And I'll never forget. To this day I still recount it (clearly I do) to my husband, remember what you said that time the Oldest peed on us in the middle of the night? And we laugh. It's true. He said, "We.Are.In.Control. We.Are.In.Control. We.Are.In.Control." over and over and over and that pushed some button in me and I went to the next level. Laughing? Do you know me? I have a big laugh. Don't hold back; ever. Then you start laughing just because you are laughing. And the waves of exhaustion come over you, and you lose it. The poor baby. I'm sure he was more alarmed than ever. Who ARE these people? What is going ON? What is all this NOISE? I wanna go back to my safe dark place nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! KaWaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Yah. Notsomuch. Oh we laughed. It was the epitome of zero control, zero knowing, and 100% zero confidence. It was then we realized, ok, this is it. Sink or swim, no nurse is coming to help us, we gotta clean this place up, get this baby wrapped up like a baby burrito and get on with it. And we did. A moment in time. Frozen forever with that one pure hilarious memory.

Now I look at him. All eight and half big boy, walking around like he owns the place (he does). Being all smart and what not. Giving us a time or two with his behavior. Being a kind big brother. Being a mean big brother. Being a stinker. Being a defender of me. Walking with me so valiantly, partly to protect me, partly to get some exercise in. All the while pushing his boundaries, loving school, loving soccer, golf, hanging out with his Granpa, becoming a slight bit of a movie buff, and growing so fast. Where did it all go? I realize from past experiences, we want to be in control, but we're so not. It's like a mantra. We SAY "we are in control" but we completely 100% know we are not. It's like a little joke. A big joke. Not one that God plays on us but one we play on ourselves, in our own minds. I am thankful for him. He drives me wild and I know it will only become more challenging as he learns to express himself and realizes there is more he can do and think and say. Heads will butt. But in the name of love, in the name of how two parents love one child unconditionally heart and soul, it will be worth it. Man I love that boy. -----We already know we aren't in control, yah, we figured that out pretty quick. We have lots of attempts at control with rules and guidelines though. Somehow it all balances out.

Go figure. It's that balance thing again. Pretty cool how it all comes full circle.

Wise Wise Words

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you'll never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
And as you grow older you'll find that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

-----words to live by for sure.

Let's Talk About Sex.

Huh?

Here?

Really?

Yah. Lets.

Ok. Maybe not.

I used to be one way and now I'm another (not like THAT!). I have morphed. When you're married and then add kids, well it can become a bit mundane and I think that is normal. Totally. It's up to you (me, ok well, the person... ahem) to add the spice or spice it down, whatever your issues. Yah, I can't do this here. But I so wish I could. Schmack.

I will say this. Speak up. Kindly, forthright, directly, meet in the middle, but be happy. Ok that is the cleanest I could make all that. Take it for what you want.

;)

Art? NotSoMuch..

But I still love drawing. My drawings are always off kilter, never perfectly symetrical although I try really hard to make them so. But what can you do? I still love doing it. Bet you didn't know that. I have tons of second rate drawings here and there, I never throw them out. And when I run across them after time has passed I always smile. Why; I don't know. But there you go. Something you probably did not know about me. At least the Oldest seems impressed. (Sigh)

-J

And Fun Was Had By All....

-J

Let there be snow!

So we have a big Winter storm is heading our way. We are slated to get 3-6" they say. I have our boots all ready by the door. I"m going out in the morning to get milk and bread. We won't be "snowed in" but it will be messy for the two days after the snow and the less we have to go out, the better. Don't you know I love snow? I really do. There's something fun and romantic about seeing the snow. It's not like I'm gonna ask my honey to hold my hand and go sit in the snow for a picnic (yeah right) but you know, it's snuggly time. Close your legs time, but snuggly time. ;)
I have the snowman kit ready and the de icer by the garage door. Shovel? Notsomuch. But maybe tomorrow I should.....I bet all the snow sled things are gone already. I bet everyone's out right now getting that stuff. Dang it. I'm NOT going out right now. Phew. Whatever will be will be.
I'm ready for a snow ball fight and you KNOW I'll be putting pictures up as soon as I can. Don't laugh, we don't get snow that much! :) I'm so exciteD!

-J

It's a Charmed Life Someone Once Said

So. Someone once said, "It's a charmed life you lead." I'm sure millions have said it. But most recently, I said it. To my husband. Ouch. It's a charmed life you lead I said in heated battle. Well. At the time I meant it. And to some extent, I still do. But in the past few days I have realized something else. So.Do.I. It's so easy to get fed up, think you have the world on your shoulders, and feel so negative. I do it. I know. But the truth is, I am very blessed and not that luck has much to do with it because I feel we both work very hard for what we have. We have made sacrifices; sure I could be working full time and we could be making more money. But whatever. That isn't important. And sometimes we over extend; but not to the point we are in debt so I count that smart. It's like living on the edge, you COULD be in debt if you wanted to be but you are close to that point, so much so, you can smell it, but you never put your toes on that line. You stay just inches from it. That's where we are. We're ok but not great in the finance department. Could be tons better but could be tons worse. I recognize that. I suppose this is the phase in our life where we rear our children and make not a lot of progress with growing our money for the future. I feel in some ways even THAT is not smart. I bet if I listened to Suzie Orman more, we could be. So, the charmed life. Why is it so charmed?

• We aren't homeless.
• We have so much love around us, it can easily (and often is) taken for granted.
• We have both of our families in the immediate area, who are here for celebrations, happiness, sadness, help, whatever we all need. That too can easily be taken for granted; I hope that we don't.
• We can spontaneously eat out if we want without loading up a credit card.
• We can (but don't) take a trip if we want. This year though I think that will be different.
• We have the comforts of the modern world at our fingertips; from the computer, to the blackberry, to the phone/s, to a big garden bath tub, to a pool in our backyard.

I could list more but you get the idea. And who, exactly, WHO am I to be complaining? Right. Check. Done.

On a completely separate note, I had this wild a** dream last night. Here it is, and murder is involved. Someone please tell me what it means:

I am being chased by this woman, she is going to kill me. She gets me, she kills me, but I am still in the dream, I morph into this other person so I am still there. She keeps following me. Everything stops. Including my memory. Later in the dream, I find this person I used to work with and for a long time ago. She used to run a card shop I used to work at. She is successful making these celophane baskets at Valentines time and that time is coming up, she used to work at a mall that is now knocked down (in real life) and I wonder if I can find her at the other mall in our area. I go there and I see a big store that is wiped out, like everything is sold out and only a little remains. I see her sitting on the floor like she is worn out. I go to her and she says she is moving to Baltimore for one year. I start crying like I will miss her (and I would). Then the woman reappears and begins chasing me again to kill me. I run, she chases, I scream, she screams back. Wild addrenaline. Then the Oldest appears out of nowhere and says calmly, which calms me down in the dream, "mom you have to calm down to handle this problem, calm down" then he's gone. Then the woman again. I take the Oldest's advice and just stand there, I look at the woman and say, "go ahead, kill me" and she stops and says, "I never wanted to kill you, I've been trying to get you to stop, I want you to run my business." Then I run away.

That is all I remember. What in the world? Is this the story of my life? Drama. Always running away. I don't know. Hell. It could just.be.a.dream. Ya think?

Phew.

-J

Not One More Thing

Sometimes you think you cannot take one more thing. One more thing will push you over the edge. Will make the clock stop ticking. Or the ticking clock on the bomb explode.

Do we need to list all we do? I think I will begin a daily list. As if I need to expend my energy on that one more thing, but maybe so.

Cycles people. It's all in cycles. When it's good, well, it's good. When it's bad, well, it ain't too much fun.

One more thing. Just one more thing. Tick tick tick. I feel it welling up inside. And it's not even that time of the month. Hmmmmm. I'm singing the "change" song again. No one can do it but me. I'm the only one with the monkey on my back. He's trying to stick a banana in my ear but I keep turning my head.

done with my rambling. done.

What does THIS mean?

Ok, so three times now, but in the span of one week, so far apart, I keep forgetting to tell my husband about it, this is what the Littlest has done. I have to write it down. To remember it because it is quite funny but also to see if ANY of you out there (and those that email me too I'm ready to hear from you too) can tell me what this means....

He walks up to me with his pull up and pants all the way down to his ankles and says the same thing each time, "Mamma I don't WANT to go potty." Kaaaayyyyy....... WT? He is pulling them down like ok, lets go but then his words say no, don't want it. ???

First it freaks me out to suddenly out of the blue see him half naked just standing there. Second it freaks me out that he pulled his pants down on his own (oh Good Lord) and third he's confusing me with his words and actions clashing.

HELP! Yikes people, I swear the Oldest did NONE of this stuff. I am not prepared for any of it. I welcome it, sure, I.Am.In.Control (right) but I'm just saying, this child has the complete power to throw me off my kilter! And then some!

Signed

a bit lost

Terrible Two's.

Is there really such a thing? You bet your sweet a** there is. The Oldest did not go through it. And it didn't dawn on me, not at all, not one iota, that the Littlest was going through it now until my husband said to the Oldest, "It's called the Terrible Two's" Lightbulb. Ya think? Yah. I think.

When your child says or does these things, you know he's going through the icky, horrible, ill fated, Terrible Two's:

• I don't WANT to listen! (screaming at you)
• No! No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (to everything you ask him/her to do)
• I don't WANT to sit in Time Out. I don't WANT to be safe! (after he nose dived off a kitchen chair for fun)
• I WANT TO BE BAD, go away! (after you have a simplified on two year old level quick talk about being safe and listening he responds as such)
• I don't WANT to take a nap! I play! (over and over and over from his room as he's kicking the walls of his bedroom)

Yes people who have two year olds, take cover now. Well, maybe that is an overstatement, as I said, our first son never went through it. We kept waiting. Never came. Sure, he was very "willful" as I used to call it. Sure, he was a stinker. Still is. But not to this extent. Nowhere close. I lately have been feeling huge guilt about how I used to think the Oldest was so hard and man, looking back, he was actually pretty good. Maybe that's how time warps your memory; maybe it's easier to remember it all that way. Tonight at dinner the Littlest had no interest in spaghetti. He wanted to set up the chairs we were all sitting on as a train (he often does this). Sure son, how 'bout AFTER we eat though? Kay. Buh bye. Uh uh. Nope, he kept on and kept on and finally I went to the dining room and got a chair from there, lined it up with his from dinner and there you go, two chairs. Not good enough. He kept coming up to my chair wanting it. Finally he just stood there, after I was being calm as a cucumber saying, 'Please wait Littlest, I'm almost done', he just stood there, at my back, behind the chair and grabbed the back of the chair and said, "Mamma you're too big!" then pause...."I need the chair!" Quiet in the house.

Ok, so six more months, right? And I'll love every one of them with all I have. ;)

The Year of Travel

The way this year is panning out, I'm thinking it will be a year of travel. This is exciting to me. As the boys get older we'll try to make it a point to do something new. This is life. It's time to make it happen. It's about time. I don't want to keep saying, lets wait, there isn't enough money (is there ever?), wait till he gets older...wait for what? There's no more waiting. Wait to live? So, we make a little debt. We have none now so why not make a little? Be responsible. In life, we can either sit by and wait (I suppose) or we can live now.

I chose to live now. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Amen.

Why Do We Blog? Self Serve Only.

Why do we do it? Why do I do it? I mean, it's clearly selfish. There's clearly something better I could be doing with my time. To sit here and write about things that sometimes make no sense...babbling on forever about the injustices of the world and sometimes, my life? What if any satisfaction do I get from it? Lots!

It's a great way to reach out to the world, to other mom's...to make sure...to find out how crazy I am. Ok, well, uh, I mean, to find out how crazy I am not. Right right. It's a way to justify the crazy thoughts that fly through my head. I know I do not have the high traffic that other more popular "mommy blogs" have and maybe one day I will. However I suspect my writing style doesn't match those mommy bloggers who have more of a readership than I do. I'm not as savvy with the business end of it all. Purely think that is a product of not devoting as much time to it as they do but I think I put enough on/off time to my blog right now; enough for me at this moment in my life that is. Maybe one day I'll be a RedNeck Mommy but this day I'm just a
Balancing Mommy. I'm not a mommy who has it together; not much is together in my life and sometimes I wonder if someone will catch on to the big scam. Will someone soon figure out that I really don't know what I'm doing after all? The big overinflated confidence is really a syndrome called 'Faking the Funk'? Maybe. Maybe one day someone will see it.

I write here mostly to free my soul a little. I don't think this (or I hope it hasn't though sometimes it's questionable) has become an homage to Lucas too much. When he's on my mind heavily, I write about it. I try to keep it somewhat light but maybe that effort is in vain. I think I blog to keep in touch, to help myself know I'm not the only twisted one, and to document. So that in twenty years my boys can say 'We knew she was crazy but who knew....?' Yah, I knew. I know. It's a chance to mix it up and to take a little time back for me. Because the truth is, in the day to day, in the grind of it all, when I'm laying on the carpet trying to help build a train track, dodging getting knocked in the head from a flying train remote control from the sweet little boy who keeps walking the same path to try to break (or not break) the track apart, with the insane ramblings of my very darling eight year old buzzing in my ear and my husband completely egging them both on I truly think in some tiny tiny corner of my mind, in the way back of my mind, there is voice. A small voice that is crying, whispering, saying, "run, run, run, head for the bathroom, take cover, lock the door and just breathe in the quiet, get some time, steal some time for yourself. YOU DESERVE IT!" and since I never do those things, I come here. When it's quiet in the house or when the Littlest is napping or when I can steal a moment. This has come to be my repreive and my solace. One day maybe it will all make sense. Or more sense. But for now, it's just my little place. Kind of like a self serve. Drive up, get what you need and keep on truckin'. Don't need any help, no need for full service. I am woman. Here me ROAR.

Fire Truck Bed

Tonight the Littlest officially and finally transitioned out of his crib (2.5 yrs old yikes!) and into his big boy fire truck bed handed down by his brother. It has since been used by a close family friend and also his cousin. One thing's for sure, when we buy something, we make SURE we get it's money's worth. Of course, we clean whatever it is, wash it, wipe it down, make it look like new, and they don't care and will never know. I am not too proud, no way! Back when we bought it for the Oldest, he was two I think. I want to say we spent $149 on it. Ish; give or take. So that was 6.5 years ago. It's been used ever since but just moved homes a few times :).

Another change in the blink of an eye. I'm told to not focus on potty training due to his constipation issues. So I'm not. But I am. I mean, I'm not. But we talk about it a lot and we watch this DVD called Potty Power and he's going to have to do it when he's ready. It's ok. When the medicine really kicks in and we get on a (no pun intended) 'regular' schedule ;) then we'll try again. For now, I'm just lettting the idea take a slight back seat. Yes maa'm Ms. Pediatrician. :) Gotcha.

What's next? College? Phew.
That was then; the Oldest when he was two. Wow. Six and a half years later and a world of change. Then we've got the Defiant one below. That boy....he gives me a run for my dollars. :)




This was tonight. Boy was he excited when he saw that bed in his room. I told him he's not allowed to get out of that bed till morning. Hmph. We'll see how THAT goes. I have to be that hard ball with him. If I give him one inch of leeway, he's GONE in a flash. I have learned.

Great memories. All of them.
Jenn

Remembering...

As I lay down to fall asleep tonight, I realized my mind was still busy. Not busy with work for once. Not busy with chores left to do; although there are plenty. I thought I was ready for sleep but as I began to pray, or think about praying, I realized, there is something left. You know by now from reading here that my mind is quite fast. Sometimes I wish I could slow it down. And it all gets jumbled up you know? I very often imagine my brain with lots of highways whose drivers are speed racers. When they collide; watch out. It's nice when they are all going at a steady pace, none ticking off the others, everyone in a happy harmony. Not tonight.

Here is what I need to tell you. Yesterday, as the Oldest and I walked into church for his prepatory class for his upcoming First Communion, he asked me a question. Well, let me back up. The class was moved to a building on the campus, a Hall very close to the church. Here they have functions, parish dinners, gatherings, and it can be rented out etc etc. This is the exact place we gathered for Lucas' funeral in August 2003. The Oldest had just turned four when his little brother died at ten months of age. It was not lost on me as we walked through the front doors; none of it was lost on me, but I was silent as we walked. Then the Oldest asked his question, "Mom, what did we do here?" Hmmm? I asked..quickly realizing he was remembering but not sure what he was remembering. "We did something here for Lucas, I remember this place and I was sad." Tears. Hold them in, hold them in, look away, keep walking. Silence. Big swallow and a look to him to see if he was yet distracted so we could move on. No. His eyes were boring through mine expectedly. I told him. And that eight year old boy gave me a look that I could have sworn was from the face of a 25 year old man. Wisdom. Caring. Knowing. And we silently walked into the chaos of the gathered happy people inside.

And life moves on. Swiftly. There's no slowing down. I suppose one could slow down but for what? To miss the rest of it? I wouldn't dare. I think that would be a slap in the face to Lucas and his memory. As much as I remember some things, other things escape me in a split second. I struggle to remember some things and others are just literally burned in my brain cells. You couldn't take them from me if you tried. I suppose the other things I subliminally know are just not as important, so I maybe let them go quicker. I don't really know.

I can tell you this. When I realized he was remembering what I was though his was a fuzzier memory, I felt a thrust of grief whale through me. Fast and quick. How I push it all down with absolute expertise now, or push it away maybe. I heard the other day, somewhere, someone said, 'grief is messy'. You know, it is. I have learned that there is no right or wrong, I think Angela said that to me once. She doesn't judge. She just lets me be. Or cry, well maybe notsomuch on that part :) but she does. When I'm feeling self concious about what I'm feeling, she brings me up. And although she never met Lucas, you would have thought she had. About grief I have learned through my own experience that it takes however long it does and the road is never smooth, always bumpy and much like a roller coaster. I've said that before; sometimes coasting along and others up and down, well.... a lot of up and down. And then you look backwards and you think, my God I miss him and it hurts, my heart still hurts, but even with the ache, I did it. I got through. Here I am.

So with that memory the Oldest wanted to know more about, that simple thing, all these things got dredged up in my mind. And it reminds me once more that life is so much more than how many toys our children have or how many material new things we have and sometimes its even so much more than the here and now. If I'm ever going to have Alzheimers (which you all know I truly think I'm going to have) then thank God I can remember now. And thank God I write it all down here. Because forgetting that little boy, forgetting what he did for our family, how much closer we all became as a direct result of his loss, forgetting how hard he fought for so long, well, now, that would just be a shame. A sad shame. I for one will always be remembering.

Good night.
Jenn

NFL; DONE

Every year about this time I realize, I've hit the wall; I'm done. It's enough already. I literally cannot stand being in the same room with my husband who is ignoring me as I sit here and write on my blog (don't laugh, it's intended to be funny) while he talks to the TV or to the air but I'm sure it's not ME. I mean, he can't really be talking to ME can he? I really don't think he is under the very false impression that I am listening to him ramble about football. Could he be? I'm afraid to ask but nevertheless I'm fine to allow it to continue as long as he doesn't expect me to respond in any way shape or form.

Why do men talk to the TV during football games? I mean, why do the yell at the TV screen during football games? Do they think the coaches are listening? I mean, even if they were right there beside the flippin coach, before being hauled off the field, the coach would not be listening to them. Oh sure, they know exactly what the coach is doing wrong. Exactly what play should have been called, what the player did right or wrong. My fav is when he (my husband) makes a statement and two seconds later the guy calling the game (whatever he's called) says the SAME.EXACT.THING. Good Lord. I just get up and leave the room because then he proclaims, "See? Told ya" and all that comes with that is big puffed up man that knows the whole deal. Once I looked at him and said, "Hey, you should be a football coach" to which he confidently replied, "yeah, I know" muffled laugh from the peanut gallery.

I'm just done with it. It's inane unparalled behavior that has grown old to me. Every year, we go through it. Or wait, every year, I go through it. He loves it. I love him for loving it. I totally see that he thoroughly is having a blast watching and commenting. I'm just over it now. Can we bring on the golf and tennis already? I'm just saying.

Will Smith; I Am Legend

For starters, I'm separating my thoughts on Will Smith from the actual movie for a moment. To me, they are not on the same plane. Will Smith did a fantastic job with this role. He was very believable and I don't think I've ever seen him play or exude even a more serious character and emotion. Of course, in Pursuit of Happyness, he was supurb and he perfectly conveyed to us who could never have a concept of homelessness, what its like to have fallen on difficult times despite your best efforts. It was hard for me to watch Pursuit of Happyness but that was only because (and I'm sure this is it) in our society, it's easy to detach yourself from what you know is going on and pretend you don't see, so you don't have to deal with it. In that movie, he rocked. In this movie, in my opinion, he took it up a notch but in a much different way. Imagine you think you are the last person on Earth. Go to that place within yourself and pull all the guts and emotions out of THAT. I couldn't help but think as I was watching him that 'this is the same guy who so many years ago made us laugh at his goofiness on Prince of BelAir' and now look at him. Worlds apart. Two completely different actors. And so handsome! Extremely handsome....I digress..ahem. He does a supurb job in this role of breaking it down on a human level and he does things in this movie that you find yourself questioning his sanity; but of course, who WOULD be completely sane in that position? It's awesome to watch him turn into this person while we slowly forget he is Will Smith until the movie is over.



Now, the MOVIE itself? Ok, if you are someone who thrives on edge of your seat, high drama, high violent thrills, you have yourself a perfect package. If you are someone like me, who closes your eyes on roller coasters, closes your eyes on normal TV shows because you don't want to see what you know is coming, someone who much rather watch a good old fashioned low key mystery, then this movie is not for you. As much as I give Will Smith kudos for his role in it, all the other stuff that you are completely unprepared for as a movie goer because the trailers give you NO CLUE as to what you will really be watching...I was wishing I could leave on certain parts.

I'm a pretty squeamish person. PG-13 seemed a bit low of a rating to me but again I'm not up for all the violence or edgy seat stuff. I don't think if I had a 13 year old I'd bring him or her to see this flick. That's just me. Will Smith rocked; I give him an A for performance and acting. The movie was not for me; I give it a C+ and that plus was for Will Smith. ;)

Jenn

Go Pokies!

The Littlest says Go Pokies!

What he really means is Go Hokies! The Va Tech Hokies are playing in the Orange Bowl tonight and it's all Hokies around here. So when I told him to tell his Daddy "Go Hokies" he instead said, "Go Pokies!"

I fully agree.

Go Pokies. I'm all done with it. Pokies it is. Go Pokies. I wish you well. Or do I? Hmmmmmm.

Its a crazy world.. you never can tell.

Go Hokies!

-J