Polar Express; Outta Here. And other minutia..

Side note: I started this entry three nights ago. Life has not allowed me to sit still for longer than five minutes to do much of anything let alone something leisurely and selfish like write. I'm taking a moment now though. Ha! Take that life!

How many times I ask you? How many times? I just want to know, how many times can one child watch one movie? I think it's the train. He knows the lines. He knows the songs. He's a smart kid. But come on. I'm so over it. And it's not because Christmas is over. I've just hit the wall with this movie. And the Oldest is about to lose his mind; if you sing one line from one verse of one of those songs he just goes into this thing where a glaze comes over his eyes and anger fills his face. Poor thing.



And the Littlest asked for it again....and I told him, it's broken. It's gone. He kept asking. I kept saying it was gone. Good grief! At least a week's reprieve? The Oldest actually looked at me this morning and said, "I don't want him watching that movie again till July!" Yikes. I think we are fully saturated with Polar Express.



Geo Trax has been quite a surprise for all of us. All of us enjoy it and the boys so much more. It was a gift for the Littlest yet the Oldest and his Daddy are also having a great time figuring and reconfiguring all different tracks. I checked on Ebay and oh my goodness people actually bid on GeoTrax Train stuff there. Really? I'm not fully immersed in it yet but maybe they are older pieces you can't find in the stores? I dunno. Regardless that has been quite the hit around here. Simple fun. Not too much, not an overload of 1,000 pieces, how can a child appreciate anything when there is too much? I still don't get that. Don't get me started. Ok, I feel it, it's coming out anyway. Yes we could if we wanted load up a credit card and get them so much that it lines up the walls of a room; sure. Anyone can do that. Or buy it with cash, whatever way you do it. My point is, why GET that much stuff? Why GIVE a child that much stuff? Really? You are not teaching them one single thing except 'gimme more' and certainly not to value any one thing they have. Really, don't get me started. I think my boys have nice things, sure they do. And when you look in one of the drawers of the Oldest' toy drawer set (that we've had forever and was a hand me down from my SIL-notice practicality here) yes you will see a large amount of action figures. So if that is excessive, and maybe it is, but I think only slight when compared to some others, then call me out. But truly, other than that, we aren't into giving them so much and spending $500-1000 to make them happy. They are already happy. There isn't any crying in a store. Well, I take that back, please note that I have once written about the Oldest having the CTS disease (conquer the store) but this was some time ago and I believe he has sufficiently outgrown this disease with some serious steering from his Daddy and I. And some pretty level headed discussions about how being given everything you want with every whining and whimsey teaches him nothing at all and will not prepare him for the real world at all. He gets it. Thank goodness. We all get it. Thank goodness. Material things are not at all what makes this world go round. It's love. Which is why in the end, I suppose if the Littlest asks for Polar Express again, of course, he can. It's the little things. I can plug my ears right? I'm talking myself into it. I can shove cotton in them. Uh huh. He's a train boy. What can you do?

My knee is getting better in some ways but hurting in new places. I think I've been using it differently and new muscles or strains are talking to me. Letting me know. Don't like it! It's almost been one week since my fall and I'd have thought it would have been all better by now. So I'm a little impatient. Ya think?

DQ

So the fall was not disastrous. I mean, to me it was. But, you know, I'm ok. No surgery. No snapped ligaments, torn muscles, broken bones or even anything sprained (although I am feeling still pain I don't think I'd be feeling this much better even with a moderate sprain).

Xrays came back fine and showed nothing negative.

More ice skating for me? Maybe next season. I'm not going to push hurting my knee again. Not that I think I'd fall but I still can't bend my right knee all the way yet. Wouldn't make for fun skating or feeling sure of myself. I'm not a drama queen by any means (well, maybe a tad) but dang that made life stop for a minute or two didn't it? Fur real.

Lord let life resume, please? I have dubbed the Oldest DK. And his cousin has been dubbed (by me) DQ. I guess I should hold the mirror up in front of my face for a minute-eh? Phew. Done with all that and moving on. I refuse to use the crutches (we have two pair; don't ask) and I'm skipping doses of medicine. I need to get over this and my body can do it just fine on its own! Positive thinking. Right? Shhhh. No comments from the peanut gallery please.

;)

Falling Down

"Photo taken by the guys at JapanicTV and shared under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 License."

So. I was not actually ice skating when the deed was done so the above picture is a bit misleading. I was coming down the ineffective ramp from the ice to the platform. No handrails, nothing to hold onto as you come down the ramp, just you, the wet foam and your blades.

Oh had the best time actually skating. Coming off the ice to get my skates off and shoes on...notsomuch.

Lets just say I'm off to get Xrays today. Lets just say I am feeling more pain than I'm letting on. I have to be brave and do what I can around the house, no time to slow down but man I'm feeling it. I'm sure it was a sight to see me fall and maybe slightly funny to watch. My knee? It wasn't laughing. Not even a chuckle.

I'll keep you posted after the doctor and Xrays. Should be very interesting. I don't have time for this!!!!

Jenn

Our Home This Season

Our home this season has been filled with all kinds of F's. Here they are in no particular order.

Fast

Furious (Fast & Furious)

Family

Fun

Friends

Favorites (in all the above pics)

Fantastic Food

Feelings

Oh and one more........................ love.

This Christmas, I never made it to Lucas' grave. I can almost not believe it myself. I intended to on several (more than a handful) occasions. Never went. I think about him constantly. He's either in the forefront of my mind or somehow something I'm living, thinking or saying immediately gets connected to him or something of him in my mind. He's always there and I say that with not an ounce of exaggeration. But this is the first Christmas season he has not had a little tree on his grave. I have not gone since Thanksgiving. An entire month has gone by and I have not gone to see him. Can you tell that as I'm typing this, I'm absorbing it myself? So. Back to the Love. How in my mind does it all interconnect? Oh don't you worry, it's all tangled in one big fat ball, and it all leads back to the same place eventually; love. All those F words up there and not a cuss word thrown in the mix. Yay me. ;) I digress as per the norm. All those F words equal love. Lucas is right in the middle of it all because he's squarely planted in my heart and mind; he's the impetus behind all that I do so it's like a thrust through my life. Race here and there, do this and that, can't miss this or can't not be at that. Why? Well, maybe now I'm beginning to understand that his loss to us created these monsters (ok, maybe just in me, let me not deflect to my husband ...ahem) to live life to the fullest. Laugh loud but only when truly funny. Don't hold back. Say I love you. Don't miss a moment. Say Merry Christmas to that stranger who you just helped even though in your normal true self way deep down inside you'd never have done that. But now, maybe that is the true you. Oy vey.

All I want to say is Merry Christmas. Live life out loud. Don't hold back. Give the big fat hugs even if it makes you uncomfortable. Say the I love you's. Give the thank you's for every little thing and take nothing for granted. Say the I'm sorry's even when it is not your fault if you know it will help propel that situation away from negativity, just do it. I say, it's worth it. For having Lucas and then watching him leave this Earth...maybe that is one of the things I can now thank God for. In an angry screaming at the wind and the clouds way, I can thank God for that. Our home this season has been blessed with lots of F's. And one little L. And I for one am very thankful for all of it.

Jenn

Christmas Time is Here!

Really? Yah, no kidding!

Like three days away and it's hard to believe. I have a ton to wrap yet tonight, I'm not diggin it. Tonight, I'm all relaxed from two apple martini's and you know what? There's always tomorrow. There's never enough hours in the day anyway so why kill myself tonight? I know, it makes no sense. But to my brain, right now, it does. We had a fantastic birthday dinner with a close friend and you know what, no more today. That was the perfect ending to the day and night and why ruin the mood with stress and paper flying every which way? Nope, there's always tomorrow. ;)

Cookie swap was a success I thought. Everyone had fun, we ate well and made Christmas trees and ornaments and gift tags and laughed and we were silly. Loved it. I had the perfect group gathered, all people I enjoy a lot. I think that will be a BI yearly deal though. Phew! Huge thanks to Minner, Angela, and Mom for helping in the kitchen and with clean up. Love you all!

And Kel, you are a fantastic soul you know. You just get me, and I'm so glad you do. I feel that I'm so lucky to have had you in my life and even though we are not constantly on email or phone, I think that makes it even more special because when we do get together, we don't skip a single beat. You rock!

Feeling nostalgic tonight so to all my friends, Tammy I cannot forget to mention you, (because you are so special to me) to all my friends, near and far, I thank you for always being there, always listening to my ranting and raving and running on and on and on.................my brain is just wired that way and thank God you get that about me. Trace, you are an awesome cousin who is so supportive and I appreciate that about you, always there..

Love you all! Merry Christmas!

J

Cookie Swap

So I'm having my first (and maybe last ;-) cookie swap. No, it won't be my last, but maybe I'll do them bi yearly though. I'm getting excited. The list is fairly small; maybe only 12 people or so. It'll be fun. I'll have a couple things for them to do, make tags or cards for gifts and also maybe one other thing...better get all that mapped out; no?

This Friday is looming ahead fast. I better get myself together. And fast! Everyone brings six dozen cookies and they leave with six dozen, but just different ones.......I'll have food and drinks, hot chocolate in a crock pot with a big ladle, man I better get some cute mugs...I only have four snowmen ones. Add another thing to the silly list.

Hopefully it will be fun! I'll let you know. It'll be good to get together with friends/family. Tamm, Trace, wish you were closer.

Ice Skating; Check!

Done. Tonight we went. There were tons of people but not too many that we didn't have fun. The Oldest just went and went and went no holds barred. I just laughed and laughed watching him, it makes you feel like being a kid again. I skated too, even did circles and got braver the longer we were out there. Awesome fun. Little kids zinging everywhere, people falling and laughing, couples holding hands, Christmas music playing, just totally and completely filled my soul with happiness. What is it about ice skating? I don't know. I got on the ice and there was no finding my balance, I just glided right on and done, off we went. Sure, I bobbled a lot, never fell but probably looked awkward. It was just fun to the max.

Done deal. Check. Mission accomplished. We'll go this week one night again. :)

Ice Skating; The Elusive Activity

We keep trying. I set it up, it falls through. The weather. Too many people. No time, things come up. I'm trying! I'm trying Oldest, I'm trying. Poor thing wants to go so bad. We'll get there. Promise.

-J

Loud loud loud.

My boys are LOUD. I mean to tell you, if someone could be a fly on the wall in our normal no one is around existance, they would be alarmed. Right now the floor is shaking and it sounds like a nightclub. They are playing Ridge Racer, a video game. Is it really NECESSARY to have the volume on 60? I'm leaving! Target here I come. Good Heavens!

-J

FinallyFriday

So much to do and yet here I am. I have dishes, laundry, shopping, and dinner to think about but who doesn't? And Christmas is here, right around the corner. Best time of the year, but this year I'm inwardly more worried about money than I think ever before.

The Littlest went on the potty last night. Fluke. But he did it. I have to get us more focused on devoting solid time and schedule to it. It's time. We have done the band works around here for it, he thinks its great but come the next time when he needs to go, he'll be more inclined to go in his diaper, and that is fine but then again, and I digress, but, it's time for the next step. He'll let us know. Of that I'm sure.

Spent way too much time trying to figure out how to print envelopes for our Christmas cards. WAY.TOO.MUCH.TIME. Apparantly I'd suck as a secretary. Imagine that movie 9-5 from way back when? The one secretary that had papers flying in the copy room? Yep. That'd be me. I'll be writing all the addresses thankyouverymuch. Try to get fancy and there you go. Pie in the face. No fancypants around here. Nope, not so much. I won't even tell you all the gory details. Lets just say, we're lucky we still have a monitor, CPU, and a printer that work. :)

I'm off to do my 1,001 things. Peace, love, and be safe.

PS can someone send me a brain that sorts, organizes, stays calm and coallates all at the same time? This is all I want for Christmas. Oh, and a husband who listens to me. That's all really. I don't ask for much at all. Just easy and free things. I'm a simple girl at heart (and I guess if you believe that, you're already rolling your eyes or have fallen on the floor laughing).

--J

I let you...

Tamm: I let you do it. Somehow, I did not have the heart tonight. Not a great day and maybe subconciously, this was why, maybe it attributed to it. I let you. You were the strong one tonight. Our candles were lit as well. We left them on for a little over an hour. Every second Sunday in December. I think you and us, we are the only ones who automatically remember. I don't remind anyone anymore. I'm not going to force it. I'm not going to keep reminding. If it's in your heart to know, to remember, then it is. Click here, you'll see.

I started an email to the main doctor who cared for Lucas in Philly. I have not finished it. For the moment it doesn't make sense. I can't send it till it does. My mind is still reeling it all through. Still. I might share it with you when I finish. Not the surgeon from the first surgery, a doctor from later, from after.

Lucas, this night, this moment in time, it makes us remember you and all the other children who left this Earth too soon. While we have you in our hearts forever, this lets us focus on you and remembering, just that, with nothing in the way. It's ok to do that. It's like a pass to do that. I love you little boy blue.

Tamm, you are simply perfectly you. Thanks.

Jenn

Things.

I have had things swirling in my head. I have avoided my place here for the main reason of avoiding what I've been avoiding.

We got a letter in the mail that the Board of Medicine for our state has finally completed it's review of the surgeon's work and case with Lucas. I didn't know something could sting so much. I really didn't know. I think I would have much rather had someone cut my arm deeply and watched blood gush out as someone poured alcohol on it. I would have rathered that than what I read in that letter. They told us that he did nothing wrong. Hmm. Well. Really. Ok. I mean, did you just read that? They told us that in their review, they found nothing wrong. Just what, I mean, really, just what am I supposed to do with that? What is my husband supposed to do with that? Can someone help me process this information that I keep ignoring? I talked with my middle sister. I talked with my mom. Then I stopped. Because the scab was coming off, it was loosening. And with each crying session, all both of them I let myself have, and the little bit of crazy rambling I let out of my mouth, I realized, this is too scary. I can't really deal with this right at this moment in my life. So. I won't.

I will write a letter to the surgeon. I will include the letter I wrote him but never delivered way back then, after he died. He will get both. That's all I can do for now. I'm only allowing myself that. For now.

I.have.a.son.who.died. He.is.gone.

I held him moments before he died and I whispered things to him, told him I loved him, and said, "go be with God, it's time" and slowly, he went. And as I watched that heart monitor slow to almost nothing I know I've said this to you before but I wanted to soar to Heaven with him. I wanted to rip my skin off. Odd thing to do but yes, I wanted out of my body. I sucked in air to get enough for my lungs and as I looked at him and frantically to my husband and back, it was like I could feel everything go.in.slow.motion. and I wanted to reverse it all. Stop, stop, stop, wait, it's not time, wait, please stop, I need him, stop. And that was it, he was quietly gone.

That morning early, I tried to get him to take a pacy to see if he'd suck it. A glimmer of hope, something. Look Doctor, see, he wants his pacy, I mean he hasn't eaten in four months, my baby is so hungry but look, he wants his pacy. I wanted to prove it to everyone. No. Not that morning. Not ever again.

And so now. I'm to accept as God has clearly shown me in ten thousand ways that Lucas was not harmed by anyone. Am I somone who rants and raves about suing doctors? And wanting things I cannot have? And being rich or wanting to be rich? This has nothing at all to do with money but every single thing to do with principle. I can't properly verbalize my thoughts right now but it's eeking out slowly. This is nothing compared to what is flying through my head these past days. We got the letter last week. I'm just now telling you about it. I have had to compartmentalize. That takes time and is no easy feat.

My true inner self knows that one day, when it all comes out, I need to be with someone safe and somewhere completely away from my safe home and beautiful boys, my little ones could never see or hear the torment that is inside me. So it shall pass again for now. Until I can. Until later.

My soul is connected to him you know? So it will just stay like that for now. And it just will.

Jenn

Perfectly Stated.

Nothing more I can say. And for your never forgetting, Tamm, I will love you always. More than you know.

http://jardna.blogspot.com/

Much love.
Jenn

Holly Dazzle

I know the two boys are looking off but still good and definitely looking at this picture puts me in the mood for Holidays.

The next shot is a funny one of us plugging our ears, mocking the Littlest. He was waiting for the fireworks. I kept telling him the fireworks were coming and it was the only thing that kept him still in the stroller not trying to arc his back out of it and running away. The boy, to say he's got energy, well, that's putting it lightly. I know. All kids have energy, whatever, shut up Jenn, get over it, but let me tell you, his is at a level that is concerning. If you let him out of the stroller and put him down, he'd run for five minutes as fast as he could never looking back. Scary. It's more like obstinence intertwined with energy laced with indignance. We're in big fat trouble people. So I kept saying, "the fireworks are coming, they're about to start!" and he'd sit as still as we've ever seen him plugging his ears. Fibbing? Yes. Fibbing to your child? Double yes. Necessary? In my mind, yeppers. Anyway, it won't let me put it here below so it's the first picture above. Very nice night. Not what we expected, no ice skating, but still the kids had an ok time.

Jenn