Update on Today

No rest. No relaxation. That was a farse.

• I got the entire front yard raked and that was harder and took longer than I thought.
• Took the Littlest on a wagon ride and played in the yard.
• Did the laundry that I said I wasn't going to
• Worked small amount on laptop
• Got groceries

No sitting with bon bons (what are they anyway?). No TV, no chilling out. Nope nope nope. None of that. Silly girl, what was I thinking? Really, what in the world was going through my head. The world will never know.

Christmas

We're mostly all decorated. Few things, the deer in the yard, gotta rake it first. Decorate the boys' trees in the LR. Find dark gold ribbon for the bannister with the garland. Stuff like that. Tree is up, decorated, lights in the windows, dining room is done. Calm. A true sense of calm.

Today: Get milk, we're out. Rake the leaves with the Littlest (pray for me). Put the deer out. Try to string lights in the two naked trees out front (pray for me). And though I have 100 lbs of laundry (literally) to do, I'm saying "pass" today and after the aforementioned items are complete, I'm relaxing. Hear me?


R E L A X .
Let's see if it works. Wish me luck.

PS I walked (well my friend and I with the Oldest) walked 3 miles last night! We've gotten up to 3 miles now! Rock on!

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

This is what he said right before he died in the movie to Natalie Portman's character. He said, "Your life is an occasion; rise to it." And so true it is. If we give to get, it's not true giving. If we need to hear the thank you's then we shouldn't do the thing at all. If you know the thing you want to do but are too lazy to make the change necessary to acheive it then why bother complaining? These are all the things that if done right, make up the core of a good person.

Are you open to change? To hearing what you need to fix? I think I am. It might take me a minute to truly absorb it minus the attitude but what's more real than that? I'm being honest. I'm just saying, it might not be instantaneous with me. I need a second.

When he said that, it kind of made time freeze for me. Am I rising to the occasion of my life? I can only hope so. I can only hope.

Great movie. Entertaining, interesting, Dustin Hofmann did a great job with the character and Natalie Portman was very believable as Mahoney with her un Princess Amedala short hair. Didn't dig the ending, needed more from the ending but overall great flick. That phrase, that quote, best of the whole movie. I'll never forget it. It made me think. For that alone, I rate the movie a high 8. Better ending and it would have gotten a 9. And the Littlest liked it too! He did pretty good for a 2 year old! Go figure....

-J

What you wouldn't do for love....

I've read it, seen it, know it's out there. I know some folks get on their blogs and down their spouses on a regular basis. Mock them, poke fun at them, even if for the sake of a laugh and a few hundred readers more to gather, it seems it can be the norm. I'd rather not. Sure I may have those thoughts from time to time but do they get penned up here? Not really. Maybe if it's really a doozy, I might make light mention in a very indirect whodunnit way that probably most of you couldn't figure out if you tried. But never direct, never anything attacking. Wanna know why?

I'll tell you. Go ahead and vomit now all you nay sayers but I'll tell you why. It's called love. And respect. And appreciation for all that he does for us. Absolutely. Don't I still want to rap him in the head every once in a while? You bet. Do I ever say to him in my head, "AYFKM?"? Sure do. A lot. But that is the difference. It's in my head and rarely if ever comes out.

The countless things that he does for us, for me, how he bends without breaking on the big stuff, the way the boys love him, the way he loves them back, the way he looks at me that still makes my heart flutter, I could go on and on. A long time ago, he promised me the ride of my life. At the time, I thought it an odd thing to say but once I realized what it truly meant and would mean, I knew, I knew way down deep, that he meant it and that he was my souls' mate. Still, 13 years later, I do little things, leave him notes, call him to be a bit naughty (tmi I know, sorry!), just the little things that keep us on our toes and remind us both that we're still here; with these big huge hearts of love that have at least tripled over time as our boys have graced this Earth with their presence....we are still here. Together.

Where is all this coming from you say? What made me RE realize how lucky I am this time, is that there he is, outside, burying our old family cat. Crack of dawn, up he got, without a whimper or complaint, and is out there respectfully doing something I could not do if you paid me. Ever. I'd have to be tortured I think to do it. Maybe not such a big thing to any of you, but so huge to me.

So I'll never be that person that puts it all out there on the web for all to see. The balance of it all is that he's too important to me and I respect him too much to make him the negative topic of my discussions for laughs and virtual high fives. Yah whatever, call me a goody two shoes. Call me too serious. If it makes you feel better, go ahead. Even after all is said and done and the fights come and go, we both have more respect for each other in one pinky than most people do for their partners on the whole. So as for me and mine, I'll just say --what is it that you wouldn't do for love?

Jenn

The End; Simba Goes to Heaven

April 1993. Simba, our cat was born. I found her with my sister. Went to someone's house who had a "free kitty" sign up in our old town. There were dogs everywhere, cats everywhere and kittens. The free ones. Dogs barking, cats meowing, cats coming up to us, there was an odd odor in the house, probably cat urine in the carpet, who knows. Of all the kittens that were friendly and outgoing, we picked the one kitten that was frightened and scared and ran under the bed. My heart went out to it, look how scared, I can fix that, give it love and make it all better. Notsomuch. All these years later, she stayed a "scaredy cat" and she never really got over the fear of loud noises, change in environment, was never super outgoing and really abhorred children. Imagine my horror when I discovered this with all our boys in the house.... but what could we do? She was already very much a part of our family. She somewhat adapted but never truly, never really. She was an uppity cat, skittish, playful for sure, but liked to be on her own. I guess most cats do, but we didn't get the really frolicky in your face cat when we picked her. We got as my Dad always said, "the nutty one; somethings wrong with her!". Well, it could be that all those loud noises affected her as a cat, add that to her already present skittish personality and I think it really impacted her personality. Can't change stuff like that sometimes. Time dulls the memories (as we all know) but not the core root memory, not that, not ever.

Fourteen years, almost fifteen. Recently, in past few months, she began to show signs of losing weight. Walking so tenderly, with a limp, not eating right, eating enough but not like before. Never did she cry or let us know she was in pain so it was easy for me to turn a blind eye. She was fine; right? Right. Maybe not. I didn't want to do it. I wanted God to do it. I wanted it to just happen naturally. I could see it happening, we both could. But still, she was still getting around, going to the bathroom, eating a little, when she wanted......

This past weekend a couple things happened that said loud and clear, 'it's really time'. I took her this afternoon to the Vet. I stood there and I cried. I cried and couldn't really speak. I bent down to say goodbye (again) and she wouldn't look at me. She wasn't crying. Usually when I take her to the Vet she is. I think she knew. She never cried in the car in her crate. Usually she howls in the crate. She knew. That made me cry more. I cried as I paid for the whole procedure. The woman said she was sorry. As I walked out the door, wiping my eyes in vain, I knew it was the right thing to do. It felt right that I be the one to take her. I didn't bring her into this world obviously but I brought her into our world and so it was only fitting I take her. So final it all felt. But isn't that life? We are born, we live, and we die? Isn't that basically it? I suppose.

My husband went to pick up her body tonight. She will be buried first thing in the morning with the suns' rising. And that is that. She is gone. I think she was really gone a few months ago but I would not admit it. Seemed cruel to let her go. My mistake was thinking that. It was probably crueler to make her hold on. You would think we would have learned from Lucas. More humane to let them go in the end isn't it? Maybe the sad part is, no matter how many times that happens to me in my life, I will probably always feel the same. I think it's love-the tie that binds. If there is love, it takes a realization and a moment to have your eyes opened to the inevitable. It was time.

How the Oldest took it is an entirely different story for another night. If you notice I have not posted in exactly one week. Too much going on and not enough time to devote to the thing that makes my heart sing. Writing. The blood that runs through my veins; writing. I'll get back. When things settle out, I'll get back.

For now, it's a sullen house, not sad, but not happy. I'm not sure if that was strength or sheer stupidity, my taking her in person, not letting someone else do it. Either way, it's done and she is finally at peace. Goodbye sweet kitty. Good night Ping Ping. I don't think we'll ever stop saying your silly nicknames. Go find your bring bring in Heaven. I hope it's a long one.....and put it in your water dish like you always did.

Love you.

And

just what is this leisure time of which you speak?

I found these tissues (none of you know that these tissues are like my tiny little guilty pleasure) that have this saying on them. Found them at HallMark. This phrase is like my mantra, ok, well that is a BIT dramatic but you know, the saying speaks loudly to me, let's just put it like that. I like to have these tissues in my purse mainly because the Oldest gets frequent nosebleeds so that's my excuse but I have to have the cute ones, the ones with design or decoration on them. A tiny piece of happiness for just $1.49 and it lasts a good little while, like a month or two. How can you beat that?

Leisure time? Is there really such a thing. I scoff at leisure time. I laugh madly in it's face. Key word; madly. Yes I am mad. Officially

and my tissue reminds me now.

Puffy Eyes

Maybe four hours of sleep last night. Crying. Talking. Worrying. Woke up to pale face, puffy around my eyes and red eyes themselves. Look like something warmed over.

Something is the cause of my angst.

I took the two large pictures of Lucas down last night. One was Lucas myself and the Oldest. The other was Lucas, his Daddy and the Oldest. Those were the heaviest pictures in the entire world. You wouldn't know from looking. But they were.

I put one picture of the Littlest in one of the empty places. It's still there. Nothing on the other side. I think I cried the hardest because of that. I'm taking the picture down of the Littlest. Art work will go in the two empty places.

That's the end of that. I could write for hours why this upset me so much. I finally got the courage and true to form (my form) I just suddenly did it out of the blue, like a challenge to myself. The two pictures will be hung upstairs.

Maybe I'll have a Pepsi for breakfast. I need something.

Little of This and That

One thing affects the other doesn't it? You do this and you get that. You do that and you get this. What if you made that decision, would it have been different? Yep. Sure.

Busy week and already dropped the ball on two things. I keep a darn calendar and it still doesn't matter. Give me peace and quiet. Give me back my walking. Wait, yes, I'm the only one who can make that happen. Priorities.

Thanksgiving is next week.

I live my life with kindness. Kindness to others in little and big ways. At work and at home. I snap though. I snap at home. Why do they get the best of me at work? Why? It should be the reverse. Wait. It should be consistent. Kay. I'll work on that. I like these conversations. Plow through one thing, no time to admire it done, the next thing is waiting. Why are Americans so go go go? Why am I?

So the Oldest is taking a test on Civics/Government tomorrow. I like when I ask him a question (that might be on the test) and he asks it back to me. Like this:

Oldest: I studied, I'm ready, go ahead, quiz me.
Me: OK, what are the purposes of rules and laws?
Oldest: Ok, what are the purposes of rules and laws. Ok. Yep. Hmmm. (quiet and looking at ground). Hmmmm (wonder where he gets the "hmmm" from)
Me: I think you need to study some more. Ya think?
Oldest: Exasperated gasp. Defeatedly says, "Ok, I'll study more."

Love that. Don't be telling me that schmack that you studied. I got your number boy. Rock on.

-J

Holiday Spirit

I must say. I've been in two stores today and people are happy and holiday music is playing, Christmas trees are up, toys abound and I can feel it. I could literally put the tree up today and have a great time, not be bah humbug.

Then you get a crappy cashier with a bad attitude who pretends they are mentally challenged in every single way and you lose it. Yep, just like that, the holiday spirit that was creeping up through me, slowly filling my soul, was slammed down like an empty aluminum can. Squashed flat. I let him have it. I did. Poor thing. I walked away still not feeling vindicated and got on the wrong highway (yes lets go to the beach today at 50 degrees and cloudy).

On another note we saw Fred Claus yesterday. Loved it. Great little movie. Vince Vaughn rocks, his delivery is perfect, you can see so much of (what we know to be) his sense of humor in it. Loved the songs, not exactly your warm and fuzzy Christmas classic but close enough and enjoyed it very much. I recommend if you want to laugh and you feel like getting in the spirit of the Holiday season you check it out. The Oldest saw it too (Thanks Grammy and Auntie V) and he loved it as well. Clean as a whistle but for two count 'em two cuss words "hell" and that was it. Rated PG and only two uses of profanity. Gotta be a record.

--OK I'm slowly letting the anger go from the cashier guy. FR.

Jenn

It's a Race!

Mornings have become a breeze around here. I have discovered a great little trick, well more like a game plan. But it's tricky. Or as a close friend calls me, "Trickery". It's trickery.

If it's a morning when I notice the Oldest is dragging and wanting to futz around or play or not get on track to get his routine done, I tell him I want to race. Bam. Done. He's off, he's competitive and I can tell in five minutes all will be done. Showers are night time so mornings are brush teeth, make bed, get dressed, fix hair and eat breakfast; bus stop. Done. Now with this racing thing, I get ready quicker and so does he. I always get sidetracked (you're not really surprised are you?) and he always wins but hey, little does he know, I'm really the winner. All that done and no fussing, no constant asking the same thing, just whammo, it's done.

Great little ploy. Works like a little charm. Love it.

Jenn

The Have's and the Have Not's

Well. I could put myself in the category of the have nots but that would be plain wrong. Let me explain.

Husbands and wives everyday all over the world find out they are expecting. Most of them are very happy, they start planning, and wondering, and reading up, and subconciously they begin to wish. Wish for their children the best things in life. They begin to hope that their little one soon to arrive will be the next budding something or other, best at this, best at that, cutest baby in the world, you get the idea. Hoping and wishing for all the normal things that life brings their way. Most of the time, those things come to some sort of fruition. Then sometimes, sadly, they do not.

Sometimes children are born with birth defects, like Schuyler, or Joseph and no one expects that. There are no books (well yes there are, of course there are, but not really, not really on how to cope with and accept it quickly, to lose no ground, and with all the grace of God (or whomever you believe in) move forward losing no time whatsoever--there are no books like that. No instructions; nothing) on those things. And the parents, well they accept, they love fiercely, and they protect, and they go into hyperdrive without even knowing it. They have so much, they know it, but they have gads more than anyone else. Some of it not so great at times, some of it in high def, better quality than any of us will ever see for millions of reasons. Some of those reasons we can relate with, some are moments we have shared with our own "neurotypical" (lack of better word there) children. But some reasons they have it better we can never understand; they are moments we'll never come close to sharing with our children. They are definitely the have's. They've got so much to be thankful for. The beauty in the two children I have mentioned is boundless. Joseph who I wish with all my heart and soul I would have met by now is the most gorgeous little boy with the cutest little face, sweet round eyes, wavy locks of hair, and I bet five billion dollars I don't have, the sweetest voice in the world. He has overcome obstacles that at first, the doctors said he would not, he is doing things that thanks to Tammy (and Dominic) others in his same boat, same age etc are not doing. His life might not be easy, but really, can you tell me, who's life is easy? No one has an easy life, not one soul on this earth. BUT he will have challenges, different than you and I. The start he has been given in life is exactly what he needed. And he was born to exactly the right parents. Thank goodness.

Schuyler, whom I not only don't know, have never truly one on one corresponded with her father or mother (or her for that matter), but wish all the latter were true, I feel as though I do know a bit of her via reading her fathers' unending words of love and admiration. That little girl is someone I admire from afar. She is as old as the Oldest and she has all the spunk, spitfire, confidence, and beauty that any other eight year old, or older could have. Reading her father, Rob's words tells me that she is without a doubt going to grow up into a strong and loving human being. I'm sure they have more work to do (as do any set of parents raising a child) but I feel their work could potentially be done. The big stuff. The I love you's, the you can do it's, the safe net to fall back on; all of it. She needs that. All kids do.

Having said all that, and meaning it with all my heart, I want to stand on the mountain tops sometimes and scream as loud as I can that I never got that chance. To be that parent to that one child; Lucas. Who was born with a birth defect. I wanted to be that parent; I wanted to. I want to now. Fate took a different turn. I am the mother to two strong boys as you know, they have saved me on many many levels and they drive all that matters to me. But the missing link, Lucas, his fate was already pre determined probably long before he got here. And I tried, we tried, as parents to make that fate different. We stood up to some pretty egotistical doctors along the way, we disagreed out loud, we made them listen, we fought for everything we felt was not fair to him or right. We really tried to save him and if I knew how with my own hands, I suppose I would have. So here we are and there you go. I say all that and know in my heart the comparisons are very different but yet somehow in my brain, they occasionally and momentarily seem the same.

Here's the deal. For all my life, this will be a part of me. Having him and losing him has marked me like a birth mark, never to be erased. Yes, put in a different place where it hurts less and less but always there, waiting to pounce out and say, here I am again. Don't forget these feelings. I dunno. The purpose of this entry? We all are in the Have's category. Even me. Absolutely me. The difference if there is one might be in realizing what we have and giving it our all. Tammy does. Rob does. I do. Can't speak for others in these boats that float through our world, our big bad world. Maybe there isn't even a Have Not category. Maybe that's the mystery of it all. The Mystery of Faith. ---We think when we are having our woe is me moment, we are in the Have Not category and all it takes most times is strength and perspective. You think? Maybe so.

Things that make you go hmmmmm.

Thirty Days of Thankfulness

Ok so I'm a little past due, I think I got this from Tammy (of course) but here goes. I'll start today, I've missed two days.

I am grateful, oh so thankful, so very glad I have love. I look around, easily, a lot, and I see lots of people who don't have "love". They are unhappy, they are not smiling, not ever, they are mean, and they don't know why but they are just not happy. They can't really crack jokes, or get jokes, or interact with those around them. They just don't know why. They don't even know they aren't really happy. They're happy being completely unhappy. It's love.

I am thankful I have it in my life. There you go. It's a start.

Jenn

New Shoes; Pay a lot or a little?

Tell you what. Don't buy cheap shoes. Don't buy cheap shoes. Don't buy cheap shoes. Say it with me now, come on, you can do it, help me out here, don't buy cheap shoes. Let's make it a mantra.

I cannot fathom, nor do I have the money to spend like $50-60 on every pair of shoes I buy/get/own. I think I have once or twice when I felt really strongly about them. But for the norm? Rich we are not. So I still do it; buy cheap shoes. Holy Mack. Today, my feet about fell off in these cute shoes. They are CUTE. But man do they HURT. $14.62 at WalMart. I was on it. Need brown shoes, they were there, I was there, it was fate. I mean come on, stylish cheap shoes for work? I'm on it.

Uh uh. Notsomuch. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice (or five hundred times) shame shame shame on me.

Then walked tonight thinking, yeah, I got this. Great googeley boogeley. Those shoes are never getting on my puppies again. Never ever. Now THAT is pain not worth it. Phew.