Thanks thanks thanks.

Around here I think sometimes we are a little old school. I thank my husband a lot for his efforts. Tonight it dawned on me that I do try to make a good practice of it. For even little things like spraying for ants which I've just asked him to do out of the blue. Not a big deal right? Probably not. The other day when I vacummed the pool, he thanked me after. "Thanks babe". I don't know. It makes you want to be more of a team and help each other out. Hokey, I know.

I also think that I don't like it when someone says, "shut up" to someone else. Hush? Totally fine. Dropping the F bomb when I get ticked (kidless of course)? Yep, I can hang with that. Totally screwed up morals on that huh? I don't know. There is something about telling someont to shut up. I think there is something reprehensible about looking at them and saying "Shut Up". Knowing that, in the past two weeks, I have said just those words to not only the Oldest just yesterday during a throw up fest with the Littlest, but my husband when I slammed my finger in a door and he joined in some laughter with others around the table. I actually told him to Shut Up. That is SO not me. This is big to me, probably little to you. I am in huge self awareness overdrive lately, trying to figure it all out.

I can tell you that appreciation goes a long way. Helps make for good stuff. At least I think so. We all have our challenges and stuff like this just helps make the tough times better.

-how bout the Littlest says, "God Bless you mamma" when I sneeze. I guess it does rub off.

Love that.

The Fair Treatment of Toys Fairy

Did you know that such a thing existed? Yes. There is such a fairy.

The Oldest was trying to put together a Transformer and has been trying at it all day. He finally asked for help and I told him after dinner. This he did not like to hear. So he put his nose to the grindstone and tried harder. I have always taught him that it's not worth it to get frustrated at a computer game or toy or whatever if he cannot acheive it, then just walk away for a little bit. Well I was up front with the Littlest and I hear this huge slam on the table. I know what it is. I quietly get up and he passes me with drama on his face saying, "I broke it, I was frustrated". Hmmph.

I simply without a word, go to the table, pick up the instructions and the parts and put them in the cabinet with the plates. Fifteen minutes later, the Oldest comes up and realizes the Transformer thing is gone. He looks all around, stunned that it's gone. Genuinely he does not know where it is. I keep quiet. Finally he says, "where did it go?" I say calmly, "well I don't know. Did you set it down nicely or did you throw it down?" He looks at me. I think I set it down. Uh huh. I say, "I think you threw it, I heard it hit the table from up front" More silence. So then I say to him, "you know what happened to it? The Fair Treatment of Toys Fairy came to take it away." Deer in headlights. "What?" he says. I repeat myself. He picks up a napkin, balls it up and throws it on the island. He stomps away. I think he's onto me. I grin. He does not. Well, his back is to me but I'm 99% sure he was NOT grinning. He was pissed. Good. Don't throw toys! Respect what you have! So he comes back. He stands there looking at me, eyeing me, silent as the hills. I look at him innocently and say, "What still looking for your transformer, can't find it?" He says, "You took it." rather calmly. Oh boy. I again asserted the Fair Treatment of Toys Fairy got it. I saw the whole thing. He then looks concerned. I am feeling way crappy inside. Lying to the boy. Good Lord, I'm not a liar. I'm about to cave. Here it comes, I'm caving. He says to me, "Are you telling me the truth? There was a half invisible person in here that was a toy fairy who took it away?" uh oh. "Oldest, do you want to know what happened? I'll tell you what happened. I took it. I heard you throw it and you will not get it back until you can prove to me you can handle yourself better" More quiet. Again the walking away. So calm. Scary.

Not another word about it till later he says, "I'm ready for you to tell me where it is." "I'm sure you are" I say to him. The end of that. He'll get it later in the week. Lesson learned. His lesson; don't throw toys or things that you should cherish like your brother or your mother. My lesson; don't lie to your precious child.

I caved way too fast, didn't I? Dang it.

Jenn

I am such a song girl

Tamm and Kel I'm glad we have that in common among many things.

Do songs just get you? I mean, with me, I can make any song, and I mean any song, have to do with my life. I sometimes get to a point in the song and lyrics where I realize 'well dang that can't apply now can it?' but mostly, I can do it. For example, this song that is out kind of new from Fergie, "Big Girls Don't Cry" I can make mostly about me and Lucas till 3/4 of the way through the song then I hit the wall and realize, no, this is really a song about love that didn't get to be love. Doesn't totally apply. But the beginning, I cry, I get sad, I can't help it. I think I look for songs to have that absolute meaning for me in my life. Whatever is on my mind at that moment, I find a way. Am I the only one?

The new song by Bon Jovi, 'Make a Memory' gets me. I have applied this in my personal life but not every single line in the lyrics applies to us. Most of it does and I like it but then when it hits the parts that just cannot or will not apply to us, it loses it's supreme meaning it had like four seconds ago. I'm a nut.

I'm completely driving by emotions (no!) and songs are utterly a connecting point in my life to all that is flying through my head. --went to Lucas' grave the other day and had a little cry fest. Someone had been there and left his picture open. We have a picture on his grave that is burned into ceramic so it will never fade and it's part of his marker. It covers up with a golden leaf so you can open and close it whenever you want. I think it freaked me out that it was open. We always always kiss him (his picture) and then close it before we leave. I didn't need much when I got there and that one thing tripped the wire and I was done. There were workers nearby and I'm not sure what they thought, but I didn't care. It's my release. I cannot worry what others think when I'm there. So then I get in the car and I hear this Fergie song and I find a way, make a way to connect meaning to me and Lucas in that song. Insane. Crazy. I know it. I'm telling you I'm fully 100% aware. I'm a total song and lyric girl.

What can I say? Not much I suppose. At least I know my elevator doesn't go to the top floor. Some people never even realize that about themselves. That has to count for something....

Success

I saw this somewhere yesterday. I almost bought the little sign. I think I will go back and buy it. And put it up in my laundry room.

"What if success just means getting the laundry in the dryer before mold growth sets in?"

THIS IS ME! Ok and what is it saying if you cannot and have to do the same load of laundry like 2-3 times before getting in the dryer?

Maybe I do not embody success. Dang. I'm an unsuccessful person. Thankyousomuch HallMark for pointing that out.

Grrrrrrr......I knew I was not going to be a successful person when I grew up. ;)

I hope you find this a little funny as it's cracking me up. I swear, I stood and stared at it for like one full minute grappling with whether to part with $12 just for the humor of it, just for the stark irony in its truth. I chose to walk away.

I'm goin' back though.

Favorite Day of the Week?

Oh COME ON! More of you have to vote than THAT! Come on, come on, come on. Vote vote vote!

-J

Quick Side Note

I was just showing my honey the half naked Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe). I said to him, "Look at all that hair going down to his you know where" and he immediately quipped, "That's why they call him HAIRY Potter!"

I love him. Ok. Dry. Yes. But it made ME laugh. (ahem). Ok, buh bye.

jenn

Oh Good Lord No More Naked Harry Potter.

Phew. Done with that. Thanks Tamm. I have been too busy to care or realize he's still up there.

Crazy week. Fast fast fast everything is fast. We finally got some rain today, thunder and lightening and the sky just opened up. Like Forrest Gump says, "big FAT rain" yep, we got big fat rain.

So my hair is red. My husband has not noticed; nor has my sister who has seen me. Funny. I don't think you can miss it but apparantly you can. I found a dress that I absolutely LOVE and can't wait to wear it to death. I usually am not all big on dresses. This one just struck me. I already know when I'm going to wear it first. Secret plans to take my honey out. And WHY is he not making secret plans to take ME out? I dunno. But if you can't join 'em, beat 'em. Well, you know what I mean. I mean, I meant that. I'm not joining his non spontaneous self, I'm going to raise him one and proactively take a step to get us out, just the two of us on a warm summer night to do a couple spontaneous things. Imagine me rubbing my hands together with a gleam in my eye. Spontaneous can be free you know. Well, minus the cost of the dress. Give me a soft light rain that night and we'll be all good. ;-)

OK, HP is gone. Gone with him now.

Enjoy your weekend! I have some things I want to write about later this weekend; stay tuned.

Jenn

Holy Cow!

Look at him! Just LOOK at him! THAT my friends is Harry Potter AKA Daniel Radcliffe. Holy COW! This is just not right. I cannot, willnot, just cannot imagine him like this. Someone shake me, Harry Potter is now sexy. GL!

-J

Recipe Rally: Chip Dips

Over at CrazyHipBlogMammas they are doing a recipe rally today. Favorite chip dips? My all time favorite and easiest in the whole wide world too? I have never had a name for it but I guess I will name it now, for these purposes and once I do, that will be it. It will be named. So let it be written and let it be done; Sour Ranch Dip. The ingredients? Easy. See below. The name is SO appropriate. :)

Sour Cream
Ranch Dressing.

That's it. I have never measured anything, just mix 8 oz of sour cream with enough Hidden Valley (has to be HVR dressing) dressing to your taste so it's well balanced and you don't feel like you are eating straight sour cream and walla. Done. There you go.

Sour Ranch. It's been my favorite for a very long time. Easy to whip up and so easy for a quick (bad) snack.

Enjoy!

Time of Year

Three times of year I get like this. Possessed with projects, very sad and extremely busy. Yes while I'm me year round, the 'me' in me is exponentially magnified during these times of year. I don't expect anyone, not one soul to really relate or understand innately why this is.

Why I'm sitting here with hot tears slowly running down my face is unreachable to you. The part that hurts the worst is that you really forget. Not you. Just everyone. It shows in actions, thoughts, and words. And well, maybe that is just my cross to bear. I bury that way down deep but when the scab is picked, only then it comes tumbling out.

It's ok because in the end, I'm good. It's all ok-and it is. This is just me. I'm ok with that.

-J

And with that

I am feeling nostalgic tonight. I am remembering. Being sad and then chin up trying to brush past it.

--The big and the small of it is one day I'll see him, hold him, smell him and kiss his little cheeks off his face.

I love my boys here on Earth. Don't doubt it. With every fiber in me, I do. But I still live for the big and small of it.

--It gets me through. And when four years is upon us, four years that we said our goodbyes in Philadelphia, I still cry. Certain memories pound my brain like a hammer with a nail. Forget Lucas? Never. Remember him? Forever.

And with that she exits stage right.........

Beauty

Beauty can be found anywhere. Sometimes when you don't even want to see it, when you are mad at the world, if you try just a little bit, squint your eyes, you can see it. Through all the crap, through all the pity parties, and the crying in your beer, it's still there. It's this. It's can you open your eyes wide enough, can you pretend for one moment, is it quite possible that you are worth seeing it? Without complaining or whining or even surmising just a fraction that life sucks or it could be so much better, know that you are worth it. Worth seeing the beauty in life.

Blah blah blah right? Oh always the big picture thinker. Always so much to say. The police of the world is on her pedestal again. Maybe. Maybe not. Forgive me this because as I witnessed my son die right before my eyes, whether I wanted to or not, whether I secretly prayed that he go with God because I could not, would not, could not watch him suffer anymore then kill myself for the next four years with pent up guilt for praying that, forgive me because this is just me saying, hey you, guess what? You are ok. Better than ok. You are worth ten mounds of gold. You just don't see it. Do you? Maybe. Maybe not. You don't need every single material thing you want. Maybe you are this person. Maybe you are the person who gives their child everything they want, so when they want something they don't have, they scream until they get it. And you give it to them. Maybe you are that person. I don't know.

I see beauty everywhere. Today, went on a spontaneous trip with my Mom and the boys. Took pictures of EVERYTHING. Walking dogs. Flowers galore. The boys. Grammy. The bridge. The sand at the beach. The boat. A bumble bee. Then the battery died. Dang it. I would've kept on. What am I doing? Capturing life. Why? Because I appreciate it. I relish it. I think the anger I get to feeling, the core of it down to the root is probably completely tied to being so out of control when Lucas was sick and then dying. I'm 100% sure it is. However, I try to temper that, but really what do you do with it? Imagine me raising my eyes and eyebrows in a "I don't know" fashion. Because I really don't know.

I say in my mightiest hear me roar voice in the smallest whisper, be glad for what you have. And I refer not to the material things. How much money you make. What stuff you can buy. No. I refer to your kids. Your spouse. The love. New beginnings. The passion that is there even if buried right now. Measure that. Capture that. It's there. Hell, if I can see mine, you have got to be able to see yours. Do you think I care about money? I don't. If I did, I'd be working more, working harder to rise up to the top at work, I've been there, done that. I don't care about money. I do in that it helps us live, but it means really nothing to me. Probably why I spend it so freely. That can be so problematic. Indeed. I know this first hand. --Does this make me the perfect person in the world? Nope. Not even close. And maybe it's all backwards. Maybe you that does what you want, cries for no reason, can't get it together, maybe you are the good one and I am the one that needs help. Probably so. But in my world, I have a clear perspective of life and what it's about. If for only that one reason; having had the experience with Lucas. Having him and losing him. A-Z. That changes me. THAT makes me look around and shake my head. Sorry. But it does. Not holier than thou..no not that...just privvy to a few things. At least, in my world I am.

This is what I see in life. This is beautiful to me. The above pictures speak volumes to me. The dogs...look at them. I'm not even a dog person but look at those dogs. And those flowers? Love them.... If I can realize that life isn't always working against me then it can't be all that hard, can it?

Signed-

Keeping My Chin Up No Matter What

The Great Black Wasp

See this little bugger? Yeah, well this picture does NOT do him justice. The one that was in my house today was HUGE like I think he was the grand daddy of them all. Stick with me here, these are my truths I tell, they might be all 'my fish was this big I swear' truths but nonetheless, they are my truths.

He was aggressive. Flew right at us. It was just me and the boys. Daddy at work. I could do it. I could be brave. I could kill him. ....snicker snicker snort snort..... I got a roll of newspapers and I told the Oldest to hold the hand of the Littlest. You must know, it's only fair if you do, that I have completely and utterly taught my Oldest son to be afraid of bugs. I know it. I cannot deny it. So today I had to really be brave. As my sister says, 'get the straw out and suck it up' and just kill the bad boy. So I go for it. I lunge for him. I'm skipping a lot of the funny details because really (and you'd laugh) I have no time for this right now, this telling of the story. Maybe later I can fill in the blanks but for now, I need to tell you the quick and dirty. I lunge for him. What does he do? He does an air attack and lunges back. Comes right at me. I do what any normal person (or mom maybe) would do and I run screaming. So much for not conveying my fear to my oldest son. Ahem. The Littlest, well, we could all learn a lesson from him. He loved the mack daddy wasp. He jumped for joy and yelled with glee and ran RightUpToHim. I screamed more. Ran holding my breath (why, I don't know) goosebumps and all, grabbed his little arm as the thing was right in his space, praying he could not smell my fear and come after me, I then grab the Oldest' arm and we fly out the front door. What to do, what to do, what to do? Think, think, think. He's in OUR house. We're out in thousand degree heat afraid of HIM. I need in that house. I have things to do. More thinking. More panicking. Aha! I'll call my Dad! Yes. Great idea! Where's my phone? OMG it's in the house with the thing. More thinking, quick fast, thinking. Ok, I'll take one for the team, I'll go in and get the phone. Well, what choice do I have? I imagine him waiting behind the door snickering in mid air just waiting for my return so he can sting me to death. I run fast. I get the phone, run outside and frantically call my Dad. I'm out of control at this point, the Littlest is already sweating and the Oldest is telling me to grab a knife. ?? And saying "Oh my God." (which he never ever says and I've already corrected him twice in the house but clearly he cannot help himself. Clearly he is freaked. I am very likely not helping matters with my eratic behavior. Yes, he answers, "Dad where ARE you?" Good Lord, I hope he's at home, close by. No, he's at the golf course. What do you need honey? Oh I tell him the story, he's getting good chuckles I'm very sure. Dad to the rescue, he's on his way.

The boys are in the yard, my mind is still racing a mile a minute, almost in disbelief that I could not handle this little problem. I keep telling them to stay in the shade of the tree. Come on listen to me I've said a hundred times already, no fun allowed right now, come OVER here. Suddenly I hear a noise. A shushing sound, low at first, then louder and louder and I realize I see water in the air, OMG the sprinkers are coming on. "Get OUT of the yard get OVER HERE you two!" The Oldest is frightened and he comes at me 50 mph leaving the Littlest in the dust. To.Get.Wet. Soaked. With well water. Nice. Ok, what can you do, he needed a little cooling off, he'll get a bath after lunch. Ten minutes later his big truck comes roaring up the court where all three of us are sweating our a**es off. He goes in the house, sees the big beast, follows it upstairs, corners him in a room, closes the door and we hear this horrendous noise lots of stomping and Thank God, he did save the day. The Great Black Wasp was dead. Finally.

Thanks Dad for stopping what you were doing to come save the day. Don't you DARE ever say that was small wasp. Far as I'm concerned, it was the biggest one in history. Well, my history anyway. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Back to my day. Clearly I DID have time for the details. Phew.

-Jenn

Laundry Tips; I Need Some!

Please tell me what I am doing wrong. I am asking for your opinion. Please give it to me. I read on HeartA and there she said something about her goal being to finish each days laundry by 5:00 p.m. EACH DAY. What what what am I doing wrong? Seriously? People do that? They do daily laundry?

Give me the steps. Tell me like I've never done laundry before. Like I'm 15 and need to learn the process. Really. I think I need to get a clean slate about laundry, how I do it, how to approach it, everything.

Right now, we have a laundry hamper in our bathroom our clothes go in. The Oldest has one in his room and the Littlest has one in his room. I feel like they all get semi to fully empty and as SOON as they get back in their places from having been downstairs, they get filled again.

Seriously, do people actually do laundry daily? Like every day? I HATE laundry. I think I would die if I knew I had to do it each day. Maybe that is my problem. That and no one helps me with it unless I pisss and moan about it. Then I get begrudged help. Like someone had to pull their chain to the place I am standing and now I am cracking the whip for someone to help me fold or God Forbid, actually DO the laundry. --and don't get me started on dishes. That is for another day.

Just help me with laundry for now. I'm a partial working partial stay at home mom who never feels like she has a moment to spare. How do I better organize my time and my laundry efforts?

I need help. Clearly. When I read her statement I couldn't get much further in her post. I was stuck there. It's the most foreign thought to me in the world. Doing laundry every day. That's like getting stuck in Hades if you ask me. HELP!

Growing!!

They drive me mad, they make me smile, I live to protect them and guide them. All goes without saying. I love being their Mom.

---J

On The Road

We are traveling to a family reunion. Driving right now. It's 10:00 p.m. at night and we are only HALF WAY THERE. AND we are on a country road in the pitch dark because the smartest man in the world, my husband, decided to "take a short cut". We have just driven ten 'country' miles behind a slow ass fire truck on this same dark country road, with its back yellow lights on and some long chains hanging off the back bumper sounding like jingle bells all the way hitting the road. I keep waiting for Sheriff Roscoe to jump out and throw on the lights. So here's a twist of fate----

I kept teasing him that 'man I bet that saved us some time', going on that small road, hitting all those traffic lights, awesome idea' and he just calmly informed me that 'the way I see it, we were meant to be on this road, maybe if we took the other road, we'd have been in an accident'. What can you say to that? Nothing. Because who knows right? SO he takes the first chance to get off the Godforsaken Country road to get back on the highway and almost immediately there is a traffic accident right in front of us. We are two cars behind it. He just looks at me. What? Why are you looking at me? What? So he sticks his head out the window and asks the guy who is now looking like he's considering running away from the scene if he's ok. So Rescue Dan wants to save the day in the country. Good man, not good idea, we have two children in the car, move along, its dark outside. Another man got out of his car to help the young man.

That could have been us he says. Please. I'm not tempting fate, and I'm not but, if we had stayed on that road to begin with, we'd have been a hell of a lot farther down the road than that and we'd have been nowhere near the vicinity of that accident.

Case closed.

This is rough on the kids! The Littlest is not doing well with all this in the car and off his 'schedule'. Poor thing.

Wish us luck and let's hope for no more encounters with "shortcuts or sideroads". Following that firetruck with chains was more than I could take!!! I swear he was driving a bold 30 mph. Speed demon!

-jenn

Summer and Time. Summertime.

I love summer. It's different than Fall, Winter, or even Spring. It just feels carefree like someone gave permission for you to be so. In reality, no one did, but it feels that way. In other ways it's more hectic but that's because there's more to do, more time outside, going here and there.

It's already JULY! Wasn't it just March? February? January? Really where does time go? Am I the only freaky one who worries about these things? Yesterday, we had some close friends over to the house. I watched the kids play together so well, they are bound together like siblings yet they are not. We have watched them since babies and now they are sitting off in their own group, talking hushed, laughing, making messes, jumping in the pool with not a care in the world. It makes me so nostalgic. And we love them all so much, like they ARE our own kids. Each time we see each other, usually at least 2-3 months has gone by (sometimes a bit longer) and so we see the kids at a next stage, a bit taller, a tiny tiny bit more 'mature' if you will, just older you know, calmer, less wild? Still wild but less so. ...big sigh....

Time. You can't touch it, you can't see it, but it's there. And I think, if you don't pay attention to the reason you are alive, sadly, you will not see it. Why does this really get me so? I have always been fascinated with time, how it flies, and how to make the best of it. Can you imagine? This life, however you are choosing to live it, is what you are making of it! That is BIG. Is it the best you can make it? Mine is, but I think, well, I know, I can do even better. Dreams yet unacheived but my time will come. For now, I'll just be content to enjoy my summer with the boys. Kay. That's all for now.

It's summer time! And off with you! Not as much time for reflecting and less than gobs and gobs of time to write it for that matter. Go have fun!

Adrian Grenier; Oh Baby

Yummy. Absolutely.

Come and get me. ;)

Miss Them Already

-J