Things that fly through my head

I knew no one would comment on my last somewhat morose post.

Bet you didn't know that I'm the queen of acronyms.

So many things going on this summer; worries top the list though.

I used to be so afraid of death, I'd think about it in the quiet and start crying. That was before my son died. Funny how that changed.

I am loving my flowers in the yard. Some are done with their blooms and now I am dreaming of the next batch I'm going to get and plant (insert small evil laugh with my wringing my hands together moo ha ha ha).

It's late and I'm hungry but I'm not going to eat. Take that you growling belly! And WHY are you growling? Oy.

I don't have many friends but the ones I have I cherish to the max. No doubt.

Did you know I love Target popcorn? AND did you know that they have a $1 combo with a soda and popcorn? Get that? Both of those together are only $1! That is amazing to me!

Presidential campaign. That's a big enough worry for one responsible citizen. I think I let it be too big for me but my LORD I worry about our kids. I'm just sayin.

I'm still hungry and I'm still not going to eat. Ok, maybe a crumb of something. Oh good Lord, I'm done for.

--J

Life

The fact is, we will all die. It will be sad. This sounds callous but you know, I'm not trying to be. It's just true. We are all alive and we will all die. The day will come.

I'd just like to think when my day comes, I won't be hating anyone or feeling cold or angry about anything. I don't think I do 'hate' anyone so I might not be in that boat; I hope that I'm not. I can only answer for myself. This is all I can do.

When the time comes for my life to be over, I want to be content, maybe afraid for a minute but content and knowing the beauty that will come. I want to know those that I'm leaving behind are ok. This is all I'll want.

Life can be a funny thing. You have to appreciate what you have instead of yearning for what you don't have. How much time you might not have. All the things you didn't get to buy or you might not have. The grass is not always greener. This I fully know. I have learned this lesson many times over. And each time it happens in my life, that moment when I say, "the grass is not always greener why am I surprised again?" it's like a new aha moment and full confirmation comes flooding in. Yes, I knew that. And I'm ok with it. Learn learn learn and let grace and dignity come with it.

Death is no one's friend. And you can get life so wrong. But for me, I hope I have the wisdom to get some of it right. This is all I'm saying. I pray a lot. We say prayers at night with the Oldest. Even in our prayers we teach. It's a very humbling few moments each night. To hear the innocence...and how we must all pray together...this is mandated by the Oldest. If I get one thing right, I hope it's how we parent. If I get one thing wrong, I won't be able to control it from the front end but I hope I'm smart enough to see it from the back end and try to fix it. I get lots of things wrong. I do. I just do.

Life. So big picture. But really, notsomuch.

Cute

I know I'm probably the only one infatuated with the new things the Littlest is saying. I know. But humor me. He's doing this thing where he:

States the name of the thing
Says Hi to the thing
Then says 'cute'

like this:

Simba (our cat)
Hi Simba
Cute

but he does it for everything. Water, his teddy bear, everything. Today as I was changing his diaper he reached down and said

Penis
Hi penis
Cute

Seriously. That IS cute and it made me chuckle and give him a kiss.
Sharing.

Jenn

Sweetest Surprises

OK. SO. The bathroom in our bedroom has been the same since the day we moved in. There was this wallpaper trim up that was not my/our style and instead of leaving it up and taking it down when I was ready to replace/paint etc, my hasty and sometimes impatient (ha!) self tore it down upon day two of being in our new home. When I tore it down it looked horrible and some stayed on the wall and most came off but you know, it looked bad and unfinished and it has stayed just like that for two plus years now. I kept saying I would 'get to it'. It's like an eyesore for me and I know it needs done....but just as the World Turns, I procrastinate oh so well.

So I log on tonight to work and am working steadily like a mad dog and my honey, I notice him quietly going upstairs but never turned the hall light on. I think I assumed he was going to use the 'bathroom' (eww) and kept right on working, emailing like crazy, catching up etc etc. Finally I realize he's been gone a long time. Good LORD I know when he 'goes in' he 'goes in' and it's treacherous but he's never gone in THAT long. So I close up and go looking. It's all quiet up there. Uh oh. I start calling his name, get to the last place he could be (our bathroom is like the innards of the house it's the most "in" inside room by turning corners etc etc and he's in there. I stood outside, afraid to go in. Fully expecting the smell to hit me in the face, I go in, I hear him, he's answering me, but he's not where I think he is. He's in the tub. With his clothes on. Squatted in the tub scraping the wall. FINALLY! I didn't even have to ASK him. :) That's the best thing ever! I didn't have to fuss. I think I had just accepted it would one day be my job. Tee hee. He did it and how sweet was that?
He's totally gettin' lucky tonight!

Rosie Vs. Elisabeth; It's Nowhere Near Over

I think Rosie represents a very large portion of the country now. I think she gets a bad rap. Yes she's way over the top sometimes but this is her personality, she says what she thinks. Some women never do. Good for her. Love her or hate her, but respect her for that. To me, Elisabeth is a staunch I'mstickingtomyguns kind of woman; come what may. You have to respect that as well. There are lots of women who sway in the wind and are even afraid to believe in what they really believe in. Don't get me wrong. I think women don't get enough credit for what they are it's just that from time to time I run into women who possess neither of the qualities of Rosie or Elisabeth. I say hooray to both of them for being so strong and believing in what they believe in. This country needs more of this discussion and hopefully spawned from that will come a new path because God knows we need one. I feel our country is lost and slowly falling apart. We believe in supporting the men and woman who put their lives on the line for our freedom and we do. How could we not? How could we not support them? If not for them, where would we be? This country be? So thank God for them, for their courage and their bravery because I know I could not do it. I am strong in some ways but I could not bear to do what they do. So I support them. I thank them. I think, in listening to all the news stories this week, and taking a step back for a moment, I think that Rosie feels the same. She thanks the men and women but she is angry at the leader of those men and women. Two completely different things.
Here's the deal. I voted for Bush. Both times. I believed he was the best man for the job. Given the choices I had before me and what I knew of the issues and their stances on those issues, I thought I was voting for the right person. I see now that hindsight is 20/20; I and so many others were so very wrong. Bush is not the right man for the job in my opinion. He is too busy clamping his mind closed to even consider that there is another way; a better way. And we are along for the ride. Our families and our neighbors and brothers and sisters are along for the most horrible ride. Will we invade Iran? Are you kidding me? I mean, this is a serious consideration and a huge worry to me. The world, our allies and especially our enemies will not take kindly to this at all. I am worried. I worry for my children. And their children. We need to get it right in 2008. I will not vote Republican. I will not vote Democrat. I will vote for the person who hits on the issues. Who can formulate a decent sentence on their own. For someone who has passion in their eyes. Show me this person.
I think Rosie is right on many things she says about this war and Bush. I think she is questioning the leadership 100% and not the troops. The troops only do what the leader tells them too. Right? I think Elisabeth feels she has so much defending to do because she is still standing by Bush in almost a very empty room that she saw a slight opening in which she could make an issue --and instead of being what Rosie needed her to be in that situation (which friends sometimes have to do, put aside their passions and feelings for a quick minute and do what the friend needs if the situation warrants) she took the high road and stood her ground to make her point and we all had to watch it on TV. Great for ratings, I'm sure and interesting to hear the argument but in the end, they were really two people with hurt feelings arguing with one another about their friendship.
Why are we still in that country? I think it's long past the point of "we're there because they need us" or "we're there because if we're not they'll follow us home (complete BS)" or "it would be cruel to just leave them now, we need to help them build a democracy, we started this thing we have to finish it". All of those things have been said. And at one moment in time, maybe each of them were true. Not now. Not anymore. Bring them home. Too many people are dying for nothing. That country needs us to leave. Our country needs them to come home. It's just not making sense anymore. Too many mistakes and too many lies and I'm sorry President Bush, you cannot redeem yourself at this point. It's worse than lame duck. It's incompetent, ignorant and irresponsible now.
Rosie and Elisabeth both represent shreds of truth but I think Rosie represents the largest shred of it and Elisabeth (who we all know is not poor little Elisabeth in truth she can stand her ground with the best of them; it's what she does best as it pours from her mouth) just is hanging on because she has that personality that says, "I started this, I'm going to finish it, even if it's the wrong thing to do". Who else does that sound like? Two peas in a pod but I must say, I respect Elisabeth a lot more than the leader of our country. At least she can formulate sentences and speak her mind without "uh" and mis speaking words. Ok. I'm getting petty. AND I'm rambling. -Time to sign off before I say how I really feel. :)

J

Here Comes Summer!

It's coming fast. The days are getting warmer and warmer more consistently. I must say in our neck of the woods, it usually does not stay so cool so long into May. We're literally almost done with May and yet, no big scorching days yet. Odd don't you think? And the bees.....where are they going? I keep hearing about the disappearing bees. Yea some people think but no...think again. Not so much is it a good thing. If the bees start "disappearing" then who will pollenate the fruits and flowers? We eat those fruits, we use those flowers, there are animals who eat the flowers and if they can't eat and we need them for the food chain--see where I'm going with all this? They say that our overuse of cell phones is messing with the bees; all the radio signals and whatnot. So now I'm all paranoid every time I use my phone I think, ok there should be a law passed, we should not have cell phones anymore. See how black and white I am? It's either this or that, not too much grey with me. Well maybe I'm too hard on myself, there is some grey. Tee Tiny grey.

I digress. As usual. Here comes summer! :)

Biblical Names

So I read something the other day in a Womans World magazine I think it was...that if you have given your child a biblical name it means you have a strong sense of right and wrong and close family ties. Hmmm. Ya think? No. I don't have an immediate knee jerk thought or idea of what is right or wrong, that isn't me at all.

Scary how that pegs you isn't it? It said some other things about if you give your child a unisex name you are this and if you give your child a trendy name it means you want this or that and honestly, some of the categorizations were right on and some were not. Mine I can tell you was so right on.

I should work on that eh? That whole right/wrong thing? I do try to hold my tongue. I do. Sometimes I am better at it than others. Better to be honest with what you are thinking but then if you know you are going to far, better to hold back. It's the whole fine line thing too.

To me, the boys names are strong. I think we chose them for that mainly. The ties to the bible are there but mainly their names are very strong. At least, that's how I perceive it.

A Blank Page

I have a book. It's in my head. Sometimes, the book is filled with tons and tons of garbled gobbly gook and I can't get it all straight. Well, that's most of the time. Sometimes, I cannot get it from my head to the paper fast enough. And if I'm lucky, it's all making sense at the time and I can get even more lucky to be somewhat witty with it. Those times are rare and I love when they shine through.

I also have another book. It's halfway written. It's collecting dust and I have a huge fear to finish it. I've talked about this before but the hot air contained in those posts has long grown cold. There's no better time than now. Finish it. I should. I will. He deserves it. Even if I have to pay someone to print it for me. It's all for the love of Lucas. It is. It will be. But when?

I have written another couple of childrens books. They are done. Just sitting. Waiting to be mailed off. To someone. To some publishing company. But who? And when?

So the white butterflies are out in full force. I will try to capture one on film. Hang it by his picture. Some may think I'm obsessed with his loss or little white butterflies but I refuse to be a mom who just moved on quietly with no argument or stomping of the feet. That can't be me. He mattered too much and it was too unfair what he went through. So I'm me and that's that. Quiet acceptance. And while the words jumble through my head and make me crazy sometimes, if only a few make sense from day to day, it's those. I look at the children I have and I think, this was fate, this is it. And I love them like nothing else and there you have it. No blank pages today.

Jenn

How Many Children Do YOU Have?

How about this mentality? A family member, one who herself has lost a son, says to me in these exact words minus the "other family member" part; in it's place you can insert an actual name, "Oh, so and so other family member says your second son is so handsome and looks just like his Daddy." To this I am confused. I say back to her, "Are you speaking of Lucas?" Irritatingly back to me she says, "No, I'm talking about the Littlest, your second son." Ok, before I go any further, let me tell you that this person is a CLOSE family member. Like her tongue should fall out of her mouth for saying such a thing she is such a close family member. I say calmly, sternly, and solidly, "No, Lucas is our second son and the Littlest is our third son." And she even more irritatingly says back, "No, that's not how you look at it, he's gone so the Littlest is now your second son." {big gasp and lungs fill with air and don't move again for several seconds} Quietly, strongly, but oh so loudly (it's all in your delivery), I say back to her, "NO, LUCAS is our second son, and the Littlest is our third son, there is no other way to look at it." And finally she clicks her tongue and is quiet. She skips two beats and keeps right on talking about something different.

What do you say? And me, I show the respect. I say nothing else. I am quiet. I do not rock the boat with this ignorant person. So ignorant that she wants to defend the other stupid family member who knows nothing of us, nothing really, not one thing, she would rather defend that person than side with me or the voice of reason just to be right in the conversation and probably later to get off the phone and cite one more reason why I am a horrible family member myself for showing no respect and being so ingratiating I'm sure. To play the martyr I have a wild guess is more dignified and cinematically dramatic than to simply say "I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking, of course you are right, Lucas does matter, just because he has died does not meant he suddenly never existed."

See people? And this is a family member. Someone close. What do other people think? I surely cannot know now. Anything I thought I knew is now washed away. Follow me here-----So the mother who had seven children and lost the sixth one now the youngest and seventh child who is still alive that now makes the original seventh child now the sixth and the original sixth never existed? Really?

I almost cannot even believe she said it to me. I mean seriously, I think my mind made it all up; the entire conversation, the fact that the phone even rang with her on the other end, it all must surely have been a dream. Sadly........ it wasn't.

Let me set the record straight. I have three boys. I have been pregnant four times, miscarried once but have only had three children. My second son who was alive, living and breathing for ten months died, passed away, went to Heaven but was here on Earth for sure, for ten months. He counts. Every day he counts. To me, he does. To her, maybe not. To me, for eternity, he does. That leaves me with two boys here on Earth. I have learned that when someone asks me how many children I have, I say three. I say nothing else unless asked further. If they say how old, then I explain depending on the situation either keep it light or fully explain. I don't hold back anymore. Why? He WAS here, he DOES matter, he DID change my life, and I DO love him still.

I have a feeling this matter is not closed. I think I will further be exploring it with this family member. She WILL get to hear my full thoughts on this. Maybe later, maybe in a nicer way but she will. And if it kills me, she will understand what she does not now. If it kills me....

--J

Comstipated

What do you do when your child comes up to you and says, and I quote, "Mom, I'm compstipated." Do you laugh? Should you be concerned? Should you hide the smile that is very probably growing wider on your face as you look at his innocent one?

Phew. I only wonder, I CAN only wonder, I cannot even begin to imagine what this child of mine has in store for us. Because good Lord, we all know compstipation hurts like nothing else. The pain he must be in will cause all kinds of other ramifications for sure....

As the world turns, we have the days of our lives and I will try to memorize it all. Ahem, I mean, I guess that's why I'm keeping up with this. THIS is my memorization.

ps... he was not most definitely not 'comstipated' he was just using a new word he heard somewhere along the way. don't be alarmed that I did not take him seriously, the impish look and veritable twinkle in his eye told me he was totally 'playin' me

Yes!! I took those!!!

And finally, my little crocodile who chews on his own sweet chubby toes. It's my favorite in the whole bunch.

Darn cute I say. Gross some others say but how can you not say that is cute. Come on.

Side note: These were all taken yesterday at the local living museum. Like that up close croc picture? Mean looking teeth aren't they? I was at the perfect distance; far, far, away.

Jenn

That's What They Say

You've heard it before. I'm sure you've heard it a thousand times, so much you don't realize it's being said to you. I hear it a lot. "That's what they say" OR "They say....". Here's what I want to know; who are THEY? Seriously. Who ARE they?

You know, you're having a discussion with a friend or family member and you're debating this or that and suddenly it's out there, "well you know what they say". Huh? And you are supposed to make a decision on what they say? I think so. I think not. I mean, they could be kooks. They have nothing to do with your life. They could be totally wrong. They might be completely right but honestly, really, we're supposed to just believe it? Have you ever thought about it?

You know, they say you should take Airborne when you feel a cold coming on, for real it works. Oh wait, that one comes straight from me, and you can trust me, it really DOES work. I am up and at 'em and I still feel yukky but last night when I was up and telling you about Ted Bear, I took another one. I feel somewhat better; like I don't have to call off the inspection. What a miracle because, let me tell you, where that cold came from (probably came from "they") I don't know but it slammed me out of the blue with no warning and it had me feeling like I was on drugs. Oh wait, I was. {grins}.....

Ok I'm off to this crazy day. Is it 5:00 yet? Kidding, only kidding. Really, they say you should never wish your life away. Ok, I'll buy it. ;)

Jenn

Ted Bear

If you have kids...isn't it the coolest thing in the world when they start to really communicate what they want? It's amazing to me. Part of life, how it goes, all kids do it, I know, but he's my boy, and watching him (and his big brother) impacts me greatly in particular. They are both communicating in different (obviously) ways but both learning, stretching, growing, and figuring it all out at their own level.

The Littlest loves his "Ted Bear" oh goodness how this thing has out of the blue become so important to him, especially at sleep times. The Oldest never had an affinity for anything, any stuffed animal, anything like that. No pacy, no dependancy on any of that, except for me, his Mamma when he was this age. Now, the Littlest, he has all the opposite things his big brother did not have in regard to that. Typical, kids are all so different, even siblings, but still, it amazes me. Same parents, same upbringing, same everything, nothing has changed. Funny to me.

Love that. Love that he's so bright and oh my gosh funny too. Is he the only kid who wants to suck on his toes just to make us laugh? I don't know! His laugh is SO big. Hmmm. Wonder where he got THAT from? I'm just sayin' --- it's not his Daddy.

I am suffering from a sudden and pretty lethal cold out of the blue. I took three Airbornes before bedtime (so miserable I was desparate to flood my system as I have that Property Inspection tomorrow) and one Pseudophed (sp). Um, passed out at 730 and my nose was on fire, my throat was on fire, sneezing ten times in a row in groups of 2 or 3, bad, bad, BAD. So now, here I am, up like it's 5:00 pm. GL.

Just sharing on the Ted Bear. He woke up a bit ago, and wanted ten gallons of milk, then all he wanted was (in a whisper) Ted Bear. I re tucked him in, and he rolled over and put his arm over his little buddy then said, "la loo" quietly. I'm not sure if he was telling his bear he loved him or me, but it melted my heart just the same as I oh so quietly tip toed out of his room. Love that. Love him. So I go down the hall to check on the big boy and he's all BIG. Half out of the sheets, boxers on, about to grow his feet right over the egde of the bed. Ah. Like night and day. I suppose as it should be. :)

Good night all.

This Week In The News

This week is going to be intense and crazy busy. The upside is if you know it, are planned for it at least mentally, it'll be fine; right? Let's hope so. I have tons of stuff volunteering for the Oldest's school. Property Inspection on Wednesday, two sessions of physical therapy for the Oldest, HAVE to make working out at the Y happen at least twice this week, and Field Day on Friday at the school. Doesn't sound like much but in my head, it's overwhelming. Next weekend is go go go as well. Basically, won't be able to be relaxed or breathe easy till next Monday. Seven days from now. Who's complaining? Me? Uh uh, just saying, any nice, Calgon Take Me Away vibes you can send my way would be very much appreciated. :)

Whats in the news with you? What's your Headline of the Week? Mine is this:

Nowhere to run to baby, nowhere to hide......(can you hear the songs' tune in your head now? I so can...)

Jenn

Have a Great Weekend

Enjoy your weekend. If you are a Mom, you definitely deserve it.

Much love

Jenn

Recent Photos.

This is my Littlest recently. My big mess. My ball of energy. He is like a little tornado. Yes, he is quite a handful. Woudln't have it any other way. I'm sure I have better pictures but this pretty much sums it up. He climbs onto the couches and jumps like he's sky diving. He does it again. He does it more. He goes in time out, says "sorry" and later, tries it again. {big sigh} I'm afraid he's going to be a high adrenaline junky. Sayin.

__________________________________________________

This is the Littlest' favorite in all the world toy. He has chewed it, thrown it in the trash, the toilet, it's been boiled, it's been washed, it's been hidden, it's been in his sweet sweaty little hands a LOT, and mostly, it's usually not far out of his sight or hold. He has this thing for buses. "Big BUS!" He LOVES LOVES LOVES all buses, loves to go to the bus stop, is so totally enamored with buses. Also, he has an affinity for big trucks or as he calls them, "tig tucks". Oh my. This boy. He amazes me to no end. He is twice, easily twice, no three times the adventure and energy the Oldest was when he was this age and man that scares me. How can that possibly be? For real? Am I on candid camera? He falls he never cries. He slams his head in the wall and says out loud, "get up" and keeps going, I wait for the tears, I'm waiting right there to soothe him, comfort him, uh uh, he does not need it. Give him his truck and he's good to go. Heaven help us.

This is my oldest son who is growing way too fast. I look at him and I think, really, is this happening? You are getting that old and I am getting that much older? How am I doing? Are you ok? I always want to make sure he is ok. Oh, he is my boy. He makes me proud and drives me mad. How can that be? I think it's normal.

500th Post!

Wowee!

This is my 500th post. Good Lord that's a lot of writing! I should have some sort of celebration or something. Ok. Not. Shouldn't some balloons shoot out of the sky and bazooka's sound off? Some twirly ribboned paper be falling from the clouds? Ok. Not.

Thanks for letting me vent my soul here when it really counts. As for the other random things that have been extruded from my brain to this screen, well, hopefully they at least made ya chuckle now and again. It's like one of those Pampered Chef apple peelers that you literally wedge on the counter with a screw? You have an apple (me) and you peel it off (my hard outer core) and the apple goes round and round all chaotic like with no end in sight, no sense of balance and the skin keeps twirling off until you have the insides. The guts if you will. These posts are the apple skin. One day you'll get to the guts. Nice visual huh?

That's all I got on that topic. Next up..some long overdue baby pictures. I know you cannot absolutely cannot wait. eh? And never mind you on the wild sounds and crazy paper flying through the air, maybe I'll get it on my 1000th post. I cannot EVEN imagine THAT. I could not possibly have that much to say. Oh yes baby, I could. :)

-J

These Small Hours Still Remain

let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder don't you know the hardest part is over let it in, let your clarity define you in the end we will only just remember how it feels our lives are made in these small hours these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you let it shine until you feel it all around you and I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to we'll get by, it's the heart that really matters in the end our lives are made in these small hours these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain all of my regret will wash away some how but i can not forget the way i feel right now in these small hours these little wonders these twists & turns of fate these twists & turns of fate time falls away but these small hours these small hours, still remain, still remain these little wonders these twists & turns of fate time falls away but these small hours these little wonders still remain... Rob Thomas

This song has so many poignant words for me. I could be fine and I hear it and I'm not fine, I mean I am, I'm fine but the emotions come.

I left because I needed to. I thought I could make it one week but tomorrow last week was the last time I was here and it's not yet one week. I cannot resist the pull to put my words on this screen. The need to let it out. To fill your head with my strong willed sometimes nonsensical sad and happy and up and down emotions.

When my life is over, whenever that is, I hope to have left an imprint on this Earth. To not have made excuses for what I couldn't do, what I wanted to do and did not, to accept what is done and to be proud of what was done. In this life, we have to accept responsibility for the haves and the have nots; pointing our finger to anyone else for any other reason is irresponsible and immature. I hope that I have grown up enough to know that. I hope that you have too. I want that my boys will know how much they meant to me; that they were loved immeasurably and with a million hearts..forever. I worry not so much over that, I think I have conveyed this well enough. I want those I have worked with to have learned something alongside me and from me. Life is not about work; work is about life and what you can learn from life. And if you can get that my friends, then you have maybe just maybe uncovered the secret of a happy life. God wants us to enjoy this life and even with all the sadnesses that can be hand delivered to your front door with a bow on them, I think maybe we are to rise and be stronger for them. Easier said than done, I know this first hand. I want my family to know they are priceless to me; I think in my own twisted way I have let them know this, the best way I can. Be careful what you wish for-you just might get it all and if you do I hope it's exactly what you thought you wanted.

--This is one thing I hope the most in my life with my every fiber and to my very core. To the core of my core. I hope this. Everything else I know. This is I hope. -----I hope that when I go to Heaven, Lucas will think what my husband thinks Lucas thinks, that only a few moments have passed and he's still patiently, happily, babbling and waiting for me, for us. Not upset or worried about us or where we are, not looking for us. I more than hope this, I pray this.
That there years are seconds. ------ Just let me think it. Kay?


--J