Bye

I'm going away for a while. Won't be here for awhile.

Still Lucas

I am not the only one. I so am not. I read this and I know, with all that I have, that I am not the only one. The only one who feels guilt, the only one who pretends, the only one who in her brain knows she did her best for her son who is no longer here but in her heart questions it all--a LOT.

I am thankful, ever thankful, for knowing I am normal. That it DOES hurt and it isn't going to go away.

BUT having said that, having read what T wrote, I agree with her in her last two paragraphs and you have heard me say it before,

" I am very aware I am standing at a crossroads, and the direction I take will not only impact my life and my husband’s, but that of my children as well. I must not sacrifice my family as they are now in an attempt to recreate the family I had once. I must honor all of my children, not just the ones who passed.
So I must busy myself once again. But this time, instead of filling my hours trying to avoiding my feelings and fears, I’m going to try and embrace them. Maybe, finally, I will know what direction I am supposed to go."

I so agree. Thanks T.

Jenn

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month

The month is almost over and I did not know this.

Don't be afraid to speak up and protect any child you see or know.

I challenge YOU!

I just donated at americanidol.com. I challenge you to do the same. $10, $20, $25, whatever you can give. I did it together with the Oldest. We are all watching the show together and I see it through his eyes. He just saw his Mamma help in a small way. Even the small ways can be big sometimes. Below is the message I got after we donated.

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We just want to say a HUGE thank you for your kind donation. A receipt will be emailed to you (or mailed if you did not provide an email address). Your support for "Idol Gives Back" and Charity Projects Entertainment Fund will help change, and even save, lives in the US and Africa. To find out more about the Fund, our beneficiaries and partners, and how you can do more to fight poverty by joining organizations like The ONE Campaign, please visit www.cpefund.org For all the latest news about "American Idol" please visit www.americanidol.com You may never meet someone who benefits from your generosity, but to watch a special message from some of the people "Idol Gives Back" will help, please click here. Once again, thank you!
To learn more about us and how your donation will be used, please go to to www.cpefund.org.

If you donate too....leave a comment. Go ahead, I dare you. We can't save everyone but we can help change the world, maybe I'm too ideological, but can't we do it a little bit at a time?

Seeing those children both in our country and in Africa; it breaks my heart.

Pretty Flowers

I want to get those pretty flowers that just sprawl on the ground but are dense in color? I know one of them is Phlox. I'm going to haunt the garden shops until I get what I want. Yesterday I went with the Littlest to a local garden shop and we no sooner walked in to the shop part, not even outside yet in the whole back where all the plants were and he says, "Bye bye, all done" meaning you have about exactly 7 minutes and 32 seconds before my sirens start going off and then I'm REALLY done. Stress the second he says it. He's irritated, he hates hates hates going in stores or shopping or being in his stroller. You know what? That's exactly what it boils down to. Hates being in his stroller. I think he feels cooped up. But I can"t let him walk----he runs and I have to chase him. I see other Mom's with their young kids (like the Littlest) just walking along side them. Nope not mine. How'd I get on this subject when I was talking about flowers?

I'm on a mission. I guess I'll have to plant them too. {sigh} We have no curb appeal. Only green grass. Lots of that. No pretty color, no pretty flowers.

Well, not YET we don't. I'm going to get it done. Check that off my list. Plant new things, watch them grow, new growth, good for the spirit, you know where I'm going with this.....I need this.

-J

Spirituality

I am only human. I have highs and lows just like the best and worst of them. I get angry and then it quickly dissapates. I have been all abuzz lately and mostly it can be attributed to the awful week last week. Other things spawned from there like a wicked little spider web and it just compounded upon itself. Today was better.

The weather was gorgeous; perfect really, blue skies, warm but not too warm, a nice breeze every now and then, what more could you ask for really? What more.

Today, four years ago, was the last day we held Lucas when he was our Lucas. Before he went into the first fated surgery. When he came out, the next four months were hell. And then he died. So this day is one of many where my husband and I just quietly look at each other and know. The words are few now. The lawsuit never came to fruition. Our frustrations never got championed. The biggest fear I had before (the biggest, not the only) was that we would have gotten to a point and realized that we would never get the chance to explore in front of that doctor whether or not he really made a mistake. Well let me take that back, obviously he made a mistake. And not just one, he made several. But I was afraid we'd never get to say that officially. That is what I was afraid of. And it has happened just like I was afraid it would. But what does that mean for the here and now? Nothing. My life hasn't come to an end. It does mean undealt with emotions. Plain and simple. Don't know what to do about that.

So today, we celebrated my MIL's birthday at my SIL's house. As I stood and watched all the boys (my honey, the kids, my BIL etc etc) play football in the backyard it seemed time stood still for a moment. I just watched and they were all smiling and having fun, huddling, whispering, chiding each other, running, playing ball. It was like the universe stood still even though there was motion. I could feel Lucas there. The sun was shining so brightly and the air was perfect as perfect could be. My emotions snuk up on me and I felt the air pulled from my body almost. I just stood and watched and knew. He was there. I softly spoke to him and while the tears fell down my face, I tried to take it all in. Everything I was seeing, sensing, and guessing were coming together. I know he's with us on a normal basis but on days like these, moments usually happen on their own. Without warning and with quiet approach. They just happen. So what did I do? I went inside and purposefully opened and slowly went through the Lucas scrapbook I had given to my SIL. I made a scrapbook long time ago and made copies for our parents and siblings. I went through it. Each page. Each picture. Each caption.

Be proud of me; I only shed a few tears. For what could have been, for what was, and for where I know he is. The latter is a happy emotion. Believe me, it really is. I am thankful he's in Heaven. I'm thankful he's at Peace. I'm thankful that if he can't be with us here on Earth, that he's There.

This is a long and winding road. Hilly at times, not so bumpy anymore, only every now and then, and I look forward to the time and place when the road is just a smooth easy surface. I guess then, I probably won't be here anymore but for my boys the Oldest and the Littlest, for their sake, I hope that isn't for a very long time to come. I have a lot more to give to them and I only pray I'm allowed to stick around and give it.

--For you Lucas, a butterfly kiss. On this day and every day.

Much love. Your Mom.

Truce Peace Love and a Little Mud

Its a beautiful day. Warm and sunny. My mood is self adjusting.

How about the baby decided he wanted a nap at 1130 am this morning and he is still asleep? I figured he'd sleep for an hour (since it was not the norm for him; he usually naps around 1-3 or 4) and we'd be good for the day. Still sleeping.

The Oldest has had a rough week. Rough indeed. The final straw was when (and I don't think this was necessarily a horrible horrible horrible horrible thing; it was not a good thing but not the worst) he came home from school with a note from the teacher that he had done his show and share with a jet airplane (that I didn't even know he brought) and that went fine but after his time of showing and sharing, he sat back down and pointed his jet airplane at two little girls and pretended he was going to "bomb" them. ugh. Ok. So you know. Boys. Whatever. But really, not a very nice thing and can be construed as violent blah blah blah by the teacher/school. Ok. So this on the tail end of a really not so great week; can list several things here and one of them was pretty big. Last night was his school Carnival. Once a year. Last year, his first year there in first grade, they didn't DO the Carnival, not enough parental volunteers . This year, he gets to go. This year, they're having it. Hurrah! Uh, notsomuch. I knew the right thing to do was not let him go. We have talked this week A LOT. Can I say we've talked? About not following when the follower is a trouble maker. About making your own decisions. About sometimes being a leader even when you might be alone and we know, that is hard to do even when you are an adult so it's ten times harder for a kid. I get that. I'm not expecting him to be Mr. Perfect, just maybe once in a while, can we get some effort to that? This is all I'm asking right now. We have talked. About showing respect to your Soccer coach, your Dad, adults in general. We have talked. And then this. This little Jet bombing thing. Ok. I wanted him to go to this Carnival. Of course I did. I was volunteering. We had a big family plan on the whole night. And then this. This folks, is where the rubber meets the road. This is the big fork in the road. You go left or you go right. Left is easy street in this scenario. Right is the bumpy road with all the potholes and big cracks in the road, the road that makes you fall off onto the big fat mud puddles on the side of the road where you get all dirty and muddy. Not fun. You can see where this is going, can't you?

My honey gets home. He agrees with me. We collectively tell him the road has forked a hard right and he cannot go to the Carnival. We feel that if we let him go we'll be saying he can behave as he wants and get to do anything he wants as a reward. We tell him no Carnival. Silence befalls the house. For a split second, I'm not sure what kind of night we're going to have; yelling, slamming doors, little feet pounding up the stairs in protest or quiet acceptance and moving on. Which will it be? What do YOU think happened in our little happy kingdom here on this side of the world? Hmm?

Let me tell you. With big fat Forrest Gump tears in his eyes, he said, "Well, that's my consequence so I guess I'm not going." Period. No thumping of the chest. No indignant "but MOM!!" NO argument. He knew. And you know what? I was trying my very level best not to cry myself. This my few readers is what they call, "this is hurting me more than it's hurting you" syndrome. Remember when your parents said that to you? I know you do! I do too! And at that very moment, I was living the meaning of that. I wanted him to yell at me! I WANTED him to scream and throw a fit! It would have made the whole thing SO much easier. SO much easier to dole out that punishment that I was certain was right but was feeling was wrong.

He took it like a champ AND just before I left to go to the stupid Carnival to do my volunteer bit, he said so sweetly to my husband and I, "Well at least I get to stay at home and play with the Littlest." (of course he does not call him the Littlest you know). Do you hear sweet violin music playing here? I hear it. LOUDLY. So off I went last night, all by myself to the Carnival. Can you believe that? Can you believe we did not let him go? I think it was the right thing. We made a statement. He will believe what we say, I think he does anyway, but no empty threats around here. That was HARD people.

I'm calling a truce for a little peace with a little love and a whole lot of MUD on my face. Yep. That's me. Mud face Mamma.

--J

Are you KIDDING me?

Oh I'm in a mood now. Watch out. Why why why are people so backstabbing? And I'm supposed to be a good little girl and be NICE about it? Be the bigger {no pun intended} person and whatnot? But what if we are both Christians? I'm a Christian and so are they. So what gives? Why spread rumors? And FALSE ones at that?

I mean, what gives? I'm venting, I'm totally venting. And family at that. Good LORD.

First of all, get it straight. Get your facts straight. Second, keep your mouth shut. This is totally out of my character calling someone flat out on this thing. I'm pissed. I'm so sure I'm going to say something I regret to this person. I can see it coming. I see my mistake before I even make it. So much for holding your breath and counting to ten. Not gonna happen.

See the big dark cloud circling over my house. It's getting bigger and darker. Watch it swirl and when you hear the explosion, you'll just shake your head and know the deed has been done.

Today We Are ALL VT Hokies

Today we are ALL Hokies. Remember those students and teachers who have been so tragically taken from this world and from their families. We cannot even begin to fathom what the families are going through right now and even in that, many already have forgiven their attacker. That takes strength and resolve. May we all show the same strength on this day and all of our days. When you lose someone you love, someone you would lose your own life for, it momentarily takes the winds out of your sails, and the air out of your lungs. It stings, it hurts, and we cry ten rivers for what could have been and more importantly, what should have been. Even as we move on, the pain is there, sometimes worse than in the beginning.

If you feel changes need to take place in our country, speak up. Do something about it. Talk to your local congressman and let your voice be heard. Today as we honor Virginia Tech and those who lost their lives on Monday April 16, 2007, we remember how special they were, how unique they were, and what a gift they were to us all; in big and small ways.

Today we are ALL Hokies as we stand up for what is right in our communities, our country, and our world. I will not tell you the exact message of this note as for everyone on an individual basis different things are important. I would like to thing the big things are important to us all; the music our children are subjected to, the extremely violent and unnecessarily so video games so easily available for those same children, and much stricter gun control.

Feel free to pass this around if you feel the message carries any chord of truth with you and yours.

JM

HealthCare And Other CRAP

Why is insurance in our country so screwed up? Don't get me started. Why can other less "technically advanced" countries get it right and we can't? If we are so rich and powerful (and somehow me thinks we aren't always) why can't we get everyone in our country insured, get it all aligned, get it straight? WHY?

Why can't we get a better handle on gun control? Other countries do. And they are just fine; perhaps finer than us. I don't get it. Does it all truly really and truly ride on the big fat pockets of the big companies that benefit from our ignorance? The lobbyists who are so well paid to keep it at the status quo? No one is yelling loud enough then!

And the horribly violent video games that we let our 7-teenagers play? And you don't think it's going to affect how your child copes with the real world or how he deals with problems (shoot em up or get mega aggressive...)? You really don't? I don't know. Maybe I'm just living in my own world--however I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way. I just happen to be the only one in the whole group of people I know that feels this way. Wait, I take that back, I do have one friend who believes as I do. One that I know positively absolutely agrees with me. So I'm not a total freak. Just a slight one. But count me in a freak who will do her level best to make sure she raises boys who are not aggressive, know how to convey their feelings in an appropriate way and who will not be addicted to non productive violent games that you cannot tell me will not warp their minds in some way. There's a big difference in cowboys and indians and mortal combat. Hello? Is it just me? Lets tuck our kids away in their bedrooms with their own TV's and keep living our lives with no worry or care what they are watching or doing? Uh, no thanks.

I am just riled up enough to write a letter to my congressman about a few things. What will it do? One single voice? I don't know. Maybe nothing. But you know what? I won't know if I don't try. I think I've had just about enough.

Maybe it's been the week, maybe it's the day (honoring VT), and maybe it's also the anniversary that is looming in my heart and mind. Go ahead, take me on. I'm ready.

Jenn

Need something good.

We need some good news. We need something good. There is so much good in this world. It's hard to see right at this second but I know it's there. I'm going on a hunt. I'm going to make a list. How about I do it right now, right here? Here we go:

1. Boy this is hard.
2. OK..........ok seriously, I'm not even kidding...maybe it's the medicine...compounded with the obvious news hound right now.....but this is hard.
3. And this is sad because truly, I'm not thinking of one good thing (well besides my boys but that's just a me thing, I'm trying to be less disengenous here but really, I have nothing right now.

How about I try later. Right now, to be honest, I'm feeling really really low. This is a bad time anyway and now with the VT stuff and all the new stuff today about the killer, I really can't fathom it all.

OK. I'll try again with the fluffy rah rah stuff. I really do have that in my soul but right now, I just can't touch it.

Here's something really heart wrenching--click here.

Jenn

Sad Days

I almost have no words to describe how I feel about what has happened at Virginia Tech. Even though I have lost a child, in a senseless way, it's much much different than what occured yesterday on that campus. I can't even BEGIN to put myself in those parents place. Not even for a moment. My prayers and my heart are with all those affected by the tragedy of yesterdays events. This makes it worse, to know that he had been flagged for being disturbed and troubled. We won't know now but was anyone trying to help him? Ever?

Very sad days.

The Y and some other stuff

We joined the Y. I'm looking forward to getting a little more fit than I am now. That's how I'm looking at it. Little steps; little at a time. Otherwise the goal seems too big. It's a very nice facility, kind of new, great pool, awesome fitness area, rock climbing wall for the Oldest to learn on, teach dancing lesons (which I'm all over, really want to learn the different dances, maybe I can convince my honey to take it with me {good luck with that I hear you say}. They have daycare for 1.5 hours while you work out, for FREE. AND I got my joining fee waived because of the company I work for, go figure.

So it's do or die, better myself or don't better myself; game on. Right? Little. Just little at a time. I am excited though.

We saw Blades of Glory tonight with a couple of our friends. We went to dinner REALLY early to this nice seafood place and then hopped over to the theater to see this movie. Don't go see it. Don't waste your money. Taladega nights was MUCH MUCH funnier. By far. I was so in the mood for laughing and just seeing a distraction type movie but it was so stupid (which I was expecting stupid but stupid funny; we didn't really get the funny) that it almost was pissing me off. Waste. BUT we were all hanging out and that was the best part really. So all in all, great night.

Not much of a Nor'easter event like they predicted. See, you never know when to believe them or not and when you don't, you get slammed and caught off guard with no water and no provisions etc and then when you prepare; nothing. Nada.

So I'm making homemade chicken potpie for dinner. Get the ready made dough in the refrigerated section by the rolls, cookies and biscuits, get the chicken breast in a can, progresso soup, mixed vegetables and condensed chicken soup, mix all together, put in the pie shell, place second pie shell on top and walla, homemade pot pie. Not totally homemade but pretty darn close....am in the mood for something like that on this grey and rainy day.

Off to church after the Oldest's Religious Education/Sunday School. I'm totally rambling, not like me to post and not have a particular subject, I'm just regurgitating stuff at this point. Let me put you out of your misery and sign off now. My mind is all over the place. Could it be the Vicodan, Flexoril and prednisone I'm on for my back? Yeah, I'm thinkin' yeah. Probably. I'll just float away now..

J

Who I Am

I am someone who loves to laugh. I can be in a crappy mood, no smiles for miles and one thing strikes my funny bone; I'm done. It's just in me. I think belly laughs are just in me. I can be driving down the road, alone or with someone/s and it can be quiet, no talking. My mind could be wandering (and it usually is...but no comments from the peanut gallery) and I think of one funny thing or project out something like this, "what if I was in this situation and I said this one funny thing or did this one funny thing" and it starts and then I'm laughing at maybe nothing and definitely nothing that was said out loud. Hmmm..

I am someone who loves fiercely. Period.

I am someone who has lots of thoughts that never come out of my mouth. Scary considering what DOES come out of my mouth. I know when to snap the trap {closed}.

I am someone who is extremely perceptive. If you're ticked, I know it. If you are being the slightest bit sarcastic, I'm all over it. I read between the lines quite expertly {if I do say so myself}.

I am someone who's back is KILLING me. Going to the Doctor tomorrow after about two weeks of fairly intense pain. Yeah, big news flash, it's not going away. I actually thought it would. I really thought it would get better on it's own. What? You didn't see that hat I have on my head with the words 'Captain Idiot' on it? It's been on for about fourteen days now. To the day. And I was ticked at my honey when he hurt his back? I was all, "come on, you're fine, get over it" and man.....little did I know. So sorry babe. I now have those shoes on that are pinching my toes so tightly, that my back is on fire. No fun.

That is me. For now. Tomorrow it might all be different. Well. Except the back part. That'll probably still be there......dang it.

Jenn

All Moms Go to Heaven

CrazyHipBlogMammas is having a fantastic contest; this post will be linked to that by just clicking here. I absolutely think this is great because I absolutely think all moms will go to Heaven. Here's why!

1. We are each our own 'wonder womans' for our families.
2. We are very very often overlooked for all that we do.
3. When we are sick, we keep going, there is no rest, there is no get in bed and pull the covers over our heads. We take care of our husbands who do that, our kids who do that and while we wait on them for their every need, it makes us love them more. Sure we're probably ready to throw a brick through a window by the end of the long day or night, but I digress.
4. We get very little monetary pay for what we do. It's all 'pay to the order of' Love. Kind of a great deal if you can see past the trees of debt we are probably owed. :)
5. We are teachers. Lots of times, we don't realize it, but we are. Imagine that! I don't think the dad's even realize that is on our long list of 'what we do's'. Sure they teach too but we are there 24-7, they're only there when they're plugged in. Someone, hand that man an electrical cord so he can get connected! (Kidding honey...ok, well, only kidding a little bit, ok, 50% kidding :)
6. Because those that HAVE gone before us to Heaven we remember, and in that remembering, it pushes us harder to be better people, to have learned from those experiences.
7. Because we know how to bite our tongues. Hard. The battles we chose to wage are very worth it. To us. Knowing when to stand your ground takes finesse. Only mothers have this knowledge, fathers, notsomuch. They fight every battle that pops in their brain. Now, this might be a forte' but it depends on which side of the fence you are standing. :)
8. Clean.The.House. Can I say it louder? Because we clean the house. We clean the messes, the poop on the carpet from the 18 month olds who are learning to potty train, and we never say a word. We just do it. Because we hold our hand out when that same baby vomits in a fine dining restaurant and NEVER.SAY.A.WORD. While the daddy looks on in utter horror and quickly does a scan to see who saw what just happened, the mom (who's going to Heaven) has already found a napkin, wiped up the baby's face, cleaned her hands, gotten a baby wipe and double wiped everything down and is now quietly eating her own meal. She never skipped a beat. She is worlds ahead of the dad. The 'dad' that she loves so much. :) And she does.
9. Because she will make anything happen that needs to; even when there is no time to make it happen. Even when the soccer coach calls 30 minutes before a stray practice he has decided to throw together and the kid have had no dinner and she knows it will interfere with the baby's bedtime, she gets it all done. Dinner gets slammed in the microwave, soccer uniforms get flung on the body, socks and shoes, then dinner is cooling, gets cut up for the baby, they get fed (fast) and the Mom (who's going to Heaven) gets the soccer bag ready, her shoes on, her hair brushed and runs back to the kitchen to make sure there are no spills or food fights between the seven year old and the 18 month old, they get to practice only five minutes late AND they had to sit in traffic in the middle of rush hour. Dad still isn't home from work yet and the mom's day is only halfway done.
10. Sacrifice. What we don't sacrifice. Love. How fiercely we love. Pain. The pain we overlook in ourselves. Happiness. Despite it all and because of it all, anyone who is a mom has fantastic track records, even if they don't know it. We get others through with our instincts and our drive; even our friends.

Thanks to CHBM and All Mom's Go to Heaven for doing this contest in tandem. You all rock! Thanks for making me stop to take the time to remind myself that even when (and I think as women this happens to all of us one time or another) our self esteem is low, it shouldn't be. We accomplish quite a lot we do! We should be proud! What a great little pick me up!

Jenn

The opposite of slow

This boy does everything fast. To get him to sit still is miraculous. He's growing too fast. Talking too fast, doing everything too fast. He's so attached to me, it's both a blessing and a curse. Not a curse. Not really that but sometimes a double edged sword. How can you be a mamma, a part time business person, a fixer, a doer, a cleaner, and balance all that with the emotions of a normal woman but add in all the other stuff I think and remember and worry about? How does it all get balanced? I don't know. Fast. It's like a short order chef, throwing things on a plate. I gladly do it for these boys. For this little one. There's nothing slow around here. If you don't stop and focus, you will most definitely miss it. Words that he couldn't say right, now he does and I can't remember how he used to say it that made it so cute. And the Oldest, getting so high and mighty with his thoughts and opinions. TOO fast. I'm almost caught off guard.

We live a life that is definitely the opposite of slow. No doubt. Maybe we should be Amish. That would be nice.

Jenn

Quick trip to DC

We only went to one museum, The National Museum of Natural History. Very cool. It wasn't until last night that my mom told me she thinks that is where Night of the Museum was filmed. I haven't checked that out for facts yet but if it's true, it would explain why I swear there were not hundreds, but thousands I swear, easy there were two thousand people there. Easy. BUT the exhibits were fabulous. I will share some pix soon. Obviously it was spring break so that accounts for the crowds but all I'm saying is, wow, there were a LOT of people in that museum. And it's an older museum so older/smaller elevators and the first elevator we went on (since we had the stroller with the Littlest happily in it) there was no lie, an 85 year old man, sitting in a handicapped type chair (maybe it wasn't but it seemed like his own special chair at least) that took up half the small elevator and we were first on and I knew there was no way anyone besides us, the man, his chair, and our stroller would fit on that elevator. Uh... I think two other families got on AFTER us and I was thinking, this is some kind of joke, right? People were all pushing on me, slammin' in there, jammin' in there, they were gettin' on that dang elevator. The old man----it wasn't like he had to pulley us up like a real old timey elevator, all he had to do was PUSH THE BUTTONS. There are only 3 floors. Sayin. Just sayin. I could have pushed the button without him. BUT my husband said that he was near retirement and they had to put him somewhere and so there he was. In our very small elevator. I didn't say a word. No. I was good. Never said a word till later that night, he and I were trying to get the baby down in the hotel room and blah blah blah, the first night he went down like a good boy right in the playpen. We were on night #2 and he was hip to our game and wasn't having it. Because he was fighting sleep, I just laid him in the bed right next to me and he was all, "w'has this mamma?" never really been in the bed for sleeping purposes with us. So he was all up in my stuff, laying on top of me, didn't know what to do with himself and there goes Ivan, bringing up the old man in the very small elevator and I could not hold it in. I thought that I was the only warped and twisted person in our loving group of four. Uh uh. He was just waiting. For the right time. When I was most vulnerable. He KNOWS I cannot control my laughter when something hits my funny bone. Especially when it's something ludicrous like that. When he brought that up with the same thinking I had, I was done. Maybe you had to be there, I don't know. I laughed so hard, even right now, today, my stomach muscles hurt. And the baby kept saying (whilst he was laying all over me or jammed up in my neck), "noise, nap" meaning, it's too noisy, I'm trying to go to sleep. And I kept laughing. Oh I laughed. And the baby was rising and falling with my every breath; probably thinking I was nuTEE. All from the old man in the tiny elevator. And just how many people did he think could fit in there with HIM in there? And how many more COULD have fit in there if he were not there? Hmmmm..

Great museum. I'll check it out again in August if we can. Very worth it. Also want to visit the National Archives, the American Indian Museum and hopefully, the National Museum of American History will be re opened by then. Right now, it's being renovated. We'll see.

Phew. Always an adventure with us. And can I tell you it SNOWED while we were there? Totally ruined our plans for going to another museum. Was NOT going to take the baby out in that frigid cold in a stroller to stand in a line for a museum. Snowing in April on the East Coast. I do believe we will have a very active Hurricane season this year like they say. Clearly anythings possible. Clearly.

-J

The Fun I've Had

Ok. Time people. It's all about the time. Or lack thereof. There's never an actual SURPLUS of time, always on the other end of the spectrum. Lack; always the lack of it. So now I have a moment. Really I should be packing. But I chose to sit here for a moment after venting about Sanjaya, I feel I have another moment. And aren't you so blessed? Kay, I hear the gagging all the way over here, calm down, I know, I know, I am only a smidgen of your day or week. I get it.

Here's the schcoop. Every year my company has an Annual Meeting. This is not the 'schcoop' itself, this is not news to anyone really (or anyone who knows me). Every year we have a different theme. This year it was "Our Company (insert company name) through the Decades" and it was much fun. Typically Directors go up the day/night before, all help to set up the ball room for the big meeting the day before and then there is a dinner/mixer for the teams who come up from NC since they travel all day to get here. We offer them dinner/drinks etc. Usually just a restaurant atmosphere. I am a Director. I have only gone up one time the day/night before and I know I was not much help back then as I was pregnant and did not want to leave the boys bigtime. If you could call what I did helping, sure I was helping but looking back and sad to say, it was minimal help. This year was different. I made sure it was ok with my honey and then took the plunge. I decided I would do it. Could finally leave the boys for a day or two and it would be fine. I went up with my friend/coworker (friend first) the day before and helped out a lot I felt. There wasn't tons to do but we were there, decorating, organizing, doing whatever was needed. We thought there would be more to do but there was not. So we went off to our rooms, veg'd for a minute, got ready for the dinner thing that night and we were ready to go. We had pre decided that we would not drink much if at all so we could be good little examples for our Managers. :) uh hem. ...

Sooooooooooooo....we were going to go to a different bar/restaraunt with two other Directors for a glass of wine and then walk over to the 'place' we would all be gathering after that. Didn't happen that way, long story short, we ended up only going to the place itself. I had one glass of wine. Thanks A. I owe you. You'll probably never read this, but I owe you. I always repay my debts, big or little. :) I was supposed to stop there. Ok. So I'm in another city from my home town. I'm not with my husband. My boys are safely tucked at home with him, in another city. See where I'm going with this? I never let go. I just don't. I'm not asking for your permission or your pity, or even your cheering me on. I'm not. I'm just saying, I never have done this in a while. And even before he died, I didn't do it that much. I'm all good girl. When I ever finally do 'drink', it's usually a doozy. Maybe I kind of save it up. I don't know. I like to think I can push things way down deep and wrap them up all tight and what do I need to drink for? Nothing. Don't need it-it might make me say something. Feel something. Let something out. Good Lord, we can't have that. See what I'm sayin' here? AND add to all of that, go ahead add it on, that I really enjoy this girl I work with. Remember the one I freaked out about that day last year, when I was all "I don't like change" blah blah blah? And I had no idea what she would be like? Remember? Yes, this is her. She is awesome. We get along VERY well and our personalities are very well matched, our decision making is very similiar and thought processes while not identical of course are very close. AND we get the same funnies. I mean, we have almost the same exact sense of humor; stupid. Both stupid. We are both very perceptive and extremely impatient. We don't get to get together that much but this night we were among other people of course, hanging out. SO go ahead add all that together and I think I was in the mood to let go of some "anal" stuff for a minute.

We had been on the go almost all day and if we had not stopped at Applebees and had some tomato soup and a chicken wrap with fresh onions in it, that I did not finish, we'd not have had much to eat all day. I was not thinking about this when I had that first glass of wine. I ordered another. She looked at me with HUGE eyes. Questioning eyes. Our Managers and Supervisors were all around us. We told them to BEHAVE. Not to get out of hand and behave. The owners of our company were there and we didn't want anyone acting up. Oh I said I was fine, and I was. That glass of wine sucked. One drink and it tasted like booty. I sent it back. Asked for Reisling. Not good either. Finally just told the bartender, give me something FRUITY. He gave me a different Resiling. It was ok. I drank it. That is only two glasses of wine, and two drinks from two other glasses that I sent back. Not too bad. Right? Then the party moves downstairs where the food is and the music and karaoke is. Ok baby, here we go. I'm done by then, I'm very happy and my feet are hurting. The shoes come off. I meet her eyes (my friend/coworker) and she's just shocked at me. I'm sure I was thinking, "whatev". By then, I was on a roll. I went to order that same Resiling which had just been good. They didn't have it downstairs. So what did I do? The smartest thing in the world doncha know! I order a big ole' apple martini! Did I eat anything? Well sure I did, I had 2-3 slices of cucumber and 3-4 chicken tenderonis (because they were too small to even be called "tenders"). I was STUFFED (not). But I wasn't even thinking about food. I was thinking about, da da da da.....singing! Yep. I gathered up our whole region (only about 12-15 people) and we signed up to sing "Bad Girl" by Donna Summer. Uhm, sing it in front of EVERYONE. That would be including the owners of our company. Yeah. But they had just sung and they were great sports and I thought, well, we can do that too! So, I gathered one of the managers and we corralled the group and up we went. After that, my spirits were totally loose and my God after making a pure and utter fool of myself lead singing Bad Girls with my horrible voice that only sounds good in the car when no one is listening, nothing was holding me back! Nada! I don't remember much after that except dancing and people bumping and such, I remember one supervisor said distinctly, "Jenn I did NOT know you were like this, you can dance!" something to that effect. Scary. I remember being momentarily alarmed but I'm sure it passed quickly because when you are in that state, it only takes a small small little thing to distract you and I'm guessing something did. Then I think someone held both of my hands and said, "I wanna dance with YOU" and I remember thinking "OK, not so much this isn't good" and I let him lead me for a minute and then I was like, "ok mister, I must spread my wings and fly" and I let go of his hands and moved away QUICKLY. Yikes!

There was an elevator scene later and running down a dark alley but not too far because they got me back. I don't think my honey knows about that part. And there was me falling back on a wall over and over again thinking it was the funniest thing in the world. And A trying to bite a cucumber and it flying over by my toes. I think I almost pee'd my pants then. Silly. Silly. That is how letting go feels huh? I don't know. I hardly ever ever do that. I remember crying. In the car. Talking to my husband. I remember eating a BLT at 1130 that night thinking it was the BEST bacon in the world while I watched CNN and a very serious political show about Bush and Iraq. And finally, I remember waking up at 4 am thinking, why is the room spinning right now? Earthquake? Oh. Not so much. Uh uh. OK go back to sleep it will be better in the morning. Really? How about I overslept by ONE freaking hour. How about THAT? And feeling parched as the Mohabi Dessert. All dang day.

But fun? Oh yes. I didn't want the night to end. I missed the boys. That was hard. Especially the Littlest. He so depends on me at night time. And I him. Totally goes both ways. Woudn't have it any OTHER way. When I got home after the actual meeting last Thursday, I felt everything was off balance. It felt good to be home but all that I had done in the previous 24-36 hours was so unlike me. In many many ways and I was trying to equate all those things together. In the end, it was just me, letting go. I don't think I did anything too horrible that embarrassed myself. I think others may have been surprised at me. I suppose that is ok though. Since Lucas died, I do not think I have done such a thing. So there you go. Done deal. Signed sealed delivered straight to you from me. Nothing scandalous. Just completely out of character. It's not a crime to be so silly is it? And I know I must have been quite the silly girl.

Oh yes. That's me. Silly Jenny. Notsomuch. But that night. Oh yeah baby.

--J

Sanjaya; Weighing In

Someone shoot me now. Seriously. I think this has gone way way way too far. At first, you could tell, Sanjaya was genuinely surprised when he did not get voted off the first week or two. Now he's just gotten plain cocky. Does he want to win this way? At first, they presented him as though he could sing on the audition shows. That he wanted to be better than his sister, he was upset he won over her of course, and that seemed real too but he couldn't deny he wanted to move ahead. He cried at first when she had to leave but what could he do? He wanted to go for it. And at that point, we thought he had a decent voice. Somewhere soon after that, he just bombed. Song after song got weaker and weaker yet here he is. Still on the show.

Personally, if he actually gets much further or God forbid, wins, I'll never watch the show again. D.O.N.E. Now that cannot be good press for the show. Sure, it's about entertainment. Sure. But it's about who is a great singer too. He is not a good singer. He should be gone. And I very much believe he knows it. Does Sanjaya WANT to win this way? Will he be proud? Has he "done his people proud" by winning that way? Seriously.

This is such a farse. It's beyond funny, the humor is gone, it's humiliating and a waste of time. I will watch tonight. And likely one more show to see if he gets voted off; he deserves it. If he is still there, I'll not watch again. This whole VFTW (vote for the worst) thing is unfair and tipping the scales the wrong way and being spun by some perverse people such as Howard Stern etc...Don't vote for him! He's awful. If he does somehow win by all the ridiculous backward votes and become American Idol, will he be successful? No. Maybe for a minute, but seriously, what a waste of time, talent, and effort. He will not be successful and you know it. I don't even want to know if you voted for him. Disgusts me.

DONE.

Jenn

Thinking OutLoud

Can be dangerous; no? It can. You have to be careful oh bloggers. Or blogger readers. Or whoever you are. You say too loudly what you think and there can be ramifications. I enjoy writing. Writing here. About silly things, serious things, anythings.

Here is what I think currently at this moment in time. About this thing. Here goes.

Sometimes in life you come across folks who don't get it. Oh sure. It's easy to think you know everything and when you look upon others, down your almighty nose, you think, gosh, they just don't get it. Don't get life. Here I go everyone, up on my soap box, watch out. I'm up there now... What is life about? You tell me. Wait. I'll tell you what I think; how about that? Life is not about sitting and watching and blaming on others why your life is not going how you think it should be. Life is not about peeking in from the outside while the world races past you towards the inside and then you complaining that you're being left behind. That really isn't "living" from my perspective. I see a lot of not taking responsibility and blaming others. If you don't like your life, get up and change it. Seriously. I have seen failings in the past and then the blaming of others and no acceptance for any of it. So wildly frustrating. Bottom line, if you are upset with something or the way something goes, then hello, change it.

Now the same can be said for anyone right? Even me. Say, my weight issue. Sure. Go ahead. It applies. But guess what? I'm not blaming anyone else. I take full responsibility AND I am going to change it. I'm not sitting around pointing the finger at anyone else about it.

When my son died, as most of you know, a large part of me died, changed, morphed, whatever you want to call it. When I hear this wah wah wah or see it, I can't take it, I either remove myself or put on the thicker skin. Change your life. Suck it up. Stop complaining. Grow up. Harsh. Maybe. But real. Mean? I'm sorry. But come on. Open your eyes. We only live once. Would you rather get real and take responsibility for things or pretend its never you and float along blaming others that you are not happy? Hmmmmm. Maybe the latter is easier. Yeah. Good luck with that.

--J