Biting my Tongue

Brash. Brazen. Every year it's the same.

--biting my tongue.

J

Terrabithian Days

Took the Oldest to see this movie. I don't know how Disney does it. The movie is Bridge to Terrabithia and Disney has found yet one more way to really make you lose yourself in a story line. Incredibly visual movie, full of adventure, great topics for discussions with your child.

There is the death of a child. I knew it was coming, Tammy told me that a child died. I just didn't know which one. I wasn't the only one crying. No way, not even close. I heard the sniffles and quiet sobs and I even looked at my son and it was affecting him the same. It was a great movie that makes you think about why things happen, and even if you don't know, can't find the answers in your own heart and mind, you have to sound like you have them because in some cases, your child might be nipping at your heels with the same questions and needed answers...

I recommend the movie; highly. We went to Lucas' grave after, I suppose we were both in the perfect mood for it, in fact, that's exactly what he said when I told him we were going, he said, "sure I'm in the perfect mood for it anyway". So off we went. Cathartic. These short moments in life--I'm telling you.

I actually think the little friend, Leslie, was sent specifically for the main character (the boy). I have thought about it these past few days and I do think that. I think very much that Disney makes no movies on accident, that there are storylines woven sometimes so deeply if you weren't looking for it, you wouldn't see it. I saw it. Just did. More on this theory in another post later....

Check it out. Even if you wait till it comes out on DVD. Sometimes a bit slow moving but every slow part had meaning and neither of us bored with it.

--J

Chaos and Quiet

I will just keep it short and simple. I feel like this. That storm? That tornado? Combine them. This is me on the inside.

But see this?

This is all you'll ever see on the outside.

Wordless Wednesday; My Funny Valentines

Wild Fun

Tonight, I watched a movie with the Oldest, we watched Nanny McPhee. Fun movie, not the best, not the worst, a good all around family type movie. You know, it taught crazy things like manners, and listening, and accepting consequences, getting yourself out of a pickle by using your own brain instead of someone just 'fixing' it for you. Crazy wild stuff like that. Will make for the base of some good conversations between he and I; I'll be sure of it (twinkle twinkle in my eye).

So after the movie, something came over me, and I just got silly. Sillier than silly actually. My honey was kind of wide eyed at all of it. I began to chase the Oldest around the downstairs. He LOVED it of course and it is so completely atypical of what I usually do that he was thrilled and laughing just a good old belly laugh that you don't always hear from kids. Well, you do, of course, but just not everyday. So we would get to these impasses and be staring at each other exactly opposite of one another at each others midpoint. I would have to go exactly halfway around the kitchen island to get him (and tickle him of course) and he the same to me. At one point, I was laughing so hard, my sides were aching and the base of my neck was aching (that happens to me when I laugh really hard). In my running (like a wild heathen might I add and chasing this half crazed boy) I passed a rubber radish that goes to the Littlest' Activity Garden. I held it up high and I said with a British accent (since we just watched Nanny McPhee) "might I offer you a radish little boy?" and that sent him into fits of more laughter, my husband asked me to repeat myself with his big wide eyes as he very inquisitively was trying to find answers he never would in my eyes (he was probably thinking what is WRONG with you?) and I repeated myself again, "might I offer you a radish little boy?" and even he burst out laughing. So we ran and we laughed and it got wild....I picked up a water bottle with a little bit of water left in it and I slung it at the Oldest (horrible influence, yes I KNOW I'm fully aware...) and most of it hit the wall behind him. He was stunned for a second but then I could see his eyes light up even more like "wowweee man this is FUN!!"

I finally caught him and tickled him till he fell to the floor and hit his leg on the corner of a table in the kitchen. Nice. Nice mamma huh? And literally just minutes earlier I said, "someone's going to get hurt and I bet it won't be me" ---nicer huh? Oh he was fine and we ended it all then but my husband was all 'tsk tsk'ing' me at the end and whatever to that because you know what? It was great wild fun and we never do that, I never do that. So there you go. Just yesterday I was down and overly thoughtful and crying and sad. Today the highest of highs. What is that indicitave of; can someone tell me? Never mind. I already know.----and yes as you might have guessed, when all of the hoopla quieted down, I wiped down the wall and straightened things up, everything in it's place as if nothing ever happened of course.

Try it. Do something completely uncharacteristic of yourself with someone you love dearly. Its the best gift you can give in the oddest of ways. I saw it written all over my son's face. And so it goes. I shall let go again. Not anytime soon you know, but I will.

--J

And we're off

And it starts now. He tells us "poop" when he has to go (or is going in his diaper rather) and he will stand on a step stool in front of the potty and say, "Psssssssss" (like he's peeing). I think it's time to introduce the potty to him. He tries to sing a song, "pee pee on the POTAY" (I sing it and he tries to imitate me).

I will just put him there but not be negative if he doesn't do anything. Introduction. Hopefully by the time he's two, it'll all be done. He thinks he's such a big boy when he's up there.

Love that. ...... and we're off.

Making Friends

I've always been the kind of person who takes my time making friends. It is never ever a fast process. I need to take the person in and figure them out. I'm just that way. I very often need to determine if I think I'll be able to trust the person. Are they someone I click with? Even if I don't 'click' with them, it doesn't mean I won't. It could very well be I don't know them well enough. So I slowly check them out. I have no idea what people think of that. They might think I'm snobby (I'm not). They might think I'm shy (I'm not). I'm not kidding when I say that typically it can take me months or longer to even allow myself to just simply open up with someone let alone become their friend. To me, saying someone is your friend is not something to be taken lightly. I probably have been helped to become this way by a very bad experience I had with someone about two years ago. I do think to some degree I've always been this way, had these tendancies, but they have been heightened by what I went through with this crazy lady and family. So even more than before, I do not rush into relationships at ALL.

I'm sure this all sounds crazy. And it's not that I'm not up for 'fun' and not a fun person myself but my goodness, it's just not me. I am what I am and I am comfortable with what I am, how I am, who I am. I am not sad about it, I don't feel I'm missing out on life, in fact, my life is very full. I've seen people make friends in three seconds and I'm just all, 'wow, really?' Maybe I'm just different. But you know what? I'm totally 100% ok with that. I really am.

I have recently been told by a very close friend, in fact, probably my best friend, ok, yes, it was my best friend, that it's always "my way or no way" (meaning me, Jenn, my way). That's crap. I allow other ways. I just have a stronger personality so more often than not, I push for what I believe in. I give way when I need to, I'm not a bull you know. Just a strong horse....

Who knows why we are the way we are. Who knows. I mean, seriously I've tried to figure it out before. I can't. It's too big for me. So at some point, you just accept it all. Even if it's just for a minute.


--j

Royal Demons

I have these princely demons in my head, in my emotions. Here's the thing, I need to let them out. As much as it scares me, I need to be done with it, with that part of the grieving where I seem stuck.

I'm going to do something about it. I can't stand it anymore but I cannot allow myself to let go of all the pain and hurt he went through unnecessarily. If I let it go, it means he, and his pain, all of it, really meant nothing to anyone, most especially the doctor who put him in the very compromising position which ultimately caused his death. I need to confront him. Not in an angry out of control way. Not in a violent way, not at all. Just with words. I'm sure I'll be crying, I'm not sure I can even manage to set it all up. Can I go through with it? I'd want other doctors there. And I'm sure the hospital President would only allow it (if he even allowed it) on their terms, probably in a meeting room there, at the hospital. I'm sure there'd be all kinds of parameters we'd have to follow.

I need to take control of that part of my life. When Lucas was alive, we cherished him and loved him more than anything, immensely. Now that he's gone, it feels even more intense. As his mom, I can't bear to let some of these things go and they ultimately torture me. They aren't only demons, they are royal ones. The worst kind, that rule your life, rule the land you know?

Mental note to self: Make this the year you let yourself let go of the guilt.

Question of the hour: Can I really do it? It's hard to think, "Well Lucas would want you to let it go and be happy" because when he died he was only ten months old and could obviously not formulate a sentence. How do I know what he'd be thinking? Would it just be his spirit wanting me to be happy? This makes practical sense but my heart cannot equate that to anything that makes sense to IT (my heart).

I'm working on it. Been working on it for almost four years now. Constant work in progress.

J

GroundHog Day

Today was GroundHog Day. Punxsutawney Phil came out today and did not see his shadow. Seriously, does he EVER see his shadow? And how do they make him come out right on cue? Are they all sitting there with their cameras just waiting for hours on end quiet as they can be so he's not afraid to come out? I would be humiliated if I was a reporter and was relegated to this bit. Come on. The thing is so ugly. Tell me he's not. Look at those claws/toes/whatever they are. yekk.

So this means in six more weeks Spring will come. Well, it's the beginning of February. Usually Spring comes in March anyway. I mean have we ever thought about this before? I'm just sayin.

-J