My wonderment

The Littlest is talking clearly, has been, but more than ever. I have to stop in my tracks and look at him closely to see if he's the same child. He is. I need to soak up the changes. Fast. Before he changes again. The Oldest, I am realizing, as much as I want him to be, isn't driven to be a communicator like me. He knows a lot more than I think he does because he just doesn't like to talk about stuff he has in his head. Meaning, I was helping him study for a World Map quiz for tomorrow and the stuff that was coming out of his mouth with such a level of sincerity, made me more alert than ever. We googled a world map then a map that showed the Continents and he was actually explaining using his hands and words and pointing and showing me how they all used to fit together and how they pulled apart and blah blah blah but I'm listening, and really, mainly, watching him. Watching him communicate. "And Mom, did you know that ...... and did you know how that happened......and can you see over here where it used to fit together....and look here is says that Greenland is technically the largest island in the world but that's not true because it's considered part of North America and that makes Australia the largest island in the world even though it's a Continent.." blah blah blah.

It's a ride. We are on a ride that is the best. As much as we want to scream and fuss (and we do) as parents I hope we all realize the ride is meant to be enjoyed. Soon the ride will be over and they'll be exiting stage right to their own lives. And we'll have this 'empty nest' deal going on. For now, I like the full nest. I like the ride. The Oldest is particularly enjoyable at this age. Too much love. Pretty cool.

J

The Zoo, The Zoo, The Zoo!!!!

Check out this little fella. Dang cute Meerkat isn't he? I have a funny story about geese but hey what's new? My life is meant to be plagued with stories of geese.

We went to the zoo today and met a friend with her two little girls. Much fun. I think the most meaningful thing that came out of it was the below picture.

PS I'll tell you about the geese later. Maybe tonight. Maybe not. I only have 14,000 things to do before 12 midnight. Ugh.

Going to the State Fair....

Off to the State Fair........see my girl over there? The ferris wheel in the background?? That's us in about two weeks. Fun. Can't wait. Ok so maybe (ya think?) I'm not as skinny as my girl I've got all dressed up for the fair (how do you get rid of her diamond earrings and high heel shoes, I am spending too much time on trying to get rid of those two things....ugh) but you know, it's all in the spirit of fun. Ferris Wheel? I'm all over it! :)

Jenn

Exclamation Point! Sing it Dane!

Got this from my sisters' blog very awesome. Need say no more.

And she's right.

Peace be with you.

J

Bill O'Reilly, Bill Maher, Bill, Bill, Bill, Build a Bridge and Get Over It..

Bill, Bill, Bill, how about, build, build, build? Ok, political blog this is not. So pre forgive me if I mis step here but also remember this is America land of the free, how can I mis step if I am speaking my mind? Right. So here we go..

I watch Bill Maher on HBO every Friday night with my husband. We both really enjoy his show. We are not political activists, we are not left wingers, right wingers, we have no 'wings', we just enjoy hearing his sometimes provocative and sometimes down to earth views on the world today, mostly on the political world today. If we are not in the same room on Friday night 11pm EST, he will come get me and say 'do you want to watch..' and I cut him off, yep it's Friday night don't even have to finish the sentence, I know what's on, "Yes put it on HBO".

Bill Maher has this way of presenting maybe not all the facts (his show is not that long) but enough of them to get you thinking, maybe get you googling, and hence, get you learning a little bit more about our current state of affairs. And ladies and gentlemen, our current state of affairs I hate to say, is pretty messed up. I know that without watching his show but it's only enhanced by what his guests have to say and ultimately what he has to say. Let me tell you, I don't always agree with what he says-or what his guests say. Sometimes his guests come on and it's clear to me and at times the looks on his face tell me it's clear to HIM that they are a little bit wacko, off center, you know what I mean, askew in thier general mindset if you will. And I can promise you he already knows their views and already knows what buttons to push in them to get them to say thier crazy views. Then it gets him going too. He tries to be tolerant for a minute, you see him trying to be kind but it only lasts for like 12 seconds because really he can't hold it in, he can't take it. So then the battle of the wits and the words and the funny one liners kick in and a great show it does make. Love it love it love it.

Isn't there always a "but"? Yes. There is a "but". BUT I get stumped every single time he reminds us he's an Atheist. I try to forget about it when I'm watching. I try in my Christian-Catholic mind to forget he does not believe in God and that he thinks I'm the kooky one because I believe in "the big guy out in space". Because I believe in a higer power that he thinks to his core does not exist. So last night on his show, he said, and this is loosely represented, I cannot remember his exact words so this is by no means an exact quote, in general he was reminding us that the United States Constitution tells us that religion should not play a role in the U.S. government and that 'anyone has the right to run for President and that they have that same right to follow whatever religon they want to follow (so loosely quoting here) but he also has the same right to take that into consideration when he's standing inside the voting booth'. And he went on to remind us that the latest figures are that 20% of Americans do not believe in God and while that is still a minority, it's still enough to shake things up in the voting booths, and that he thinks if we had a Commander in Chief who did NOT believe in God maybe he'd be a little less quick to decide to send troops over to the Mid East to be killed because he 'believed' they were going to Heaven. Thunderous clapping in the studio follwed this statement. Hmmm.

Ok. So I've been thinking. You know where I'm going. You can't have the ocean without waves. It's always going to be the ocean and the waves, a pretty good marriage, a pretty good analogy. This is where I've landed for the moment. How can someone such as Bill Maher seem so level headed, seem so normal (you know, who's normal anyway?), have provocative thoughts which cause pause for fleshing out what is what, seem so, well, for lack of a better descriptive, mainstream (and he probably isn't but really, I don't know him, this is all my perception of him on his show and yes I'm getting to the point), but not believe in God. He thinks I'm the idiot. Sadly, I don't think he's an idiot at all. I absolutely respect his belief, don't agree with it, but he's entitled to it, and I don't judge him for it. I think it makes me sad but I'm sure he'd tell me to get 'un' sad for him and quick, but I still feel it. Sad. This is the oceans and the waves part. I'm here now. You tell me, anyone, how I still believe in God when that little boy of mine was made to suffer as he did. Do you know how I screamed and cried in the little chapel at the first Childrens Hospital? Shook my fists at the cross and fell in a heap on my knees, alone, by myself, no one but me and Him. Alone. But not alone. I begged. I said things I know I should not have. And who, who was I talking to? Believing is not the word, knowing is the word, like breathing, I knew He was there. Listening, with me. Why would I be talking to someone who I thought or doubted existed? Does this make sense? I am a Catholic. I don't know the bible very well at all. Don't ask me to quote it. There are things about Catholisicm I do not agree with. But it's what I know and more than anything, more than my 'religion' and to me far more important than it, is my relationship with God. So how now, four years later, with his fifth birthday about two weeks away, if he were alive that is, how do I walk away so confidently believing that there IS a higher power? I'll tell you. It's called Faith. Can I prove it to you? No. Can I show him to you? No. Does that sound a little bit left of center, a little bit kooky? Sure. But guess what? Bigger than that sliver of doubt and fuller than anything I know (and tell me it's because it's fed to me, whatever) is my sheer Faith that He is there. If you tell me that He isn't, if you tell me that it's all a load of crap, you might as well just kill me now. Put me out of my misery, before the insanity sets in and I fall to pieces. There is no way, no freaking way that Lucas just died and that was that. Bull crap. Or anyone else for that matter.

Take Rob. Over at Schuyler's Monster. Intense guy with a fantastic little daughter. God forbid anything ever happened to Schuyler ( I actually think she is a remarkably strong little girl and 'fighter' just doesn't even begin to describe her from what I've read) and she left this Earth, what? Are we to believe that would be that and she'd be on her own or just gone forever, her soul and spirit would be where? Nowhere? No. I just can't grasp that. I'm just kindly saying, I just can't be ok with that thought. If nothing else, if not but for our children alone, and for me it's more, there has to be a concious string of thought that there is something more, something bigger, someone who is all knowing, who puts things into motion, who is there for us emotionally when we need them. For me, it's God. Yippee skippy I'm sure you may be thinking. But this 'God' thing ain't for everyone. Right. Sure. I get it. But I don't get it.

Bill Maher, you almost have me every show, save the shows where you remind us either in subtle fashion with small quips, or outright verbally bashing us over the head with it, then you lose me for a minute. I'll agree, you make me think. And maybe that is your goal. You think we are not thinking. And many of us are not. But I am. Three cheers for me. I might not come out on the same side of the fence you find yourself on, but that does not mean I am not thinking. When I think of Bill O'Reilly, well I think he absolutely DOES mean to belittle folks. He comes off as pompous and self righteous and appears to be a regular ass. Bill Maher is a comedian, therefore, he is quite the smart ass. As am I. I can relate. Not the comedian part, the smart ass part. I cannot though relate to acting holier than thou and cutting the people who put the food on your table week in and week out down to nothing with your horribly rude and impetuous comments. I find it ingratiating and irritating. Therefore, as a direct result of your I know it all and you know nothing attitude, I no longer watch your show; ever. Sad I know. I'm sure you give two craps. One less watcher to your million or more; whatever. I'm simply pointing out that you aren't worth my time. I remember when you worked on Inside Edition and did a peice on the 'new up and coming' video games like PlayStation etc etc. You were dry and dorky then and you still are now, just add the ass part and it makes you highly undesirable to spend my precious time watching. And you believe in God! Go figure!

Eloquent I'm not but honest I am. Even though I enjoy the Bill M show immensely, I do not enjoy being told I'm the fruity one for my belief in God. This is a hard one for me. I have to hang on tight to that for without that, there's no hope I'll ever see Lucas again. And that just can't be. Call me crazy, go ahead, I mean it. It's ok. I'm ok with that. Maybe what I'd like YOU Bill M to reconsider is that while I'm sure you officially take the position that those who believe in God have that right, but reconsider what you truly believe, that it's us who has the issue to deal with and not you. Just you know, flip it up and toss the idea around for a minute. I'm sure you'll come out on the same position but please don't be so quick to point out to us, as you remind of me Bill O when you do, that we are idiots and not worthy of your vote in the booth for our belief in God. It comes off a little, well, you know, holier than thou.

All done now. Off my little uneducated pulpit.

Jenn

You Make The Call....

So I'm in a TJ Maxx or a Marshalls, one of those places, buying a birthday present for someone. There are long lines and slow workers. Not moving fast, not caring, unfortunately, it's what you've pretty much come to expect in retail stores; not much. Expectations for customer service are very low wouldn't you think? If someone makes eye contact, smiles and makes an attempt at small talk or ask if you found everything ok you think you just got stellar service. These days, that's pretty much the case. But I digress...back on track...in the long slow line. One employee was over behind a cash register dilly dallying. I think trying to avoid opening her line but you know hey, I could be wrong. She finally cannot avoid it any longer and she walks over to our long line and she says, I'll take the next person in line. Well. That was me! My lucky day!

I move towards her register and then I realize someone is moving with me. Like not with me to move in line behind me because I know it's obvious to everyone I was 'next' but she was right beside me and steadily gaining ground ahead of me. She didn't just cut, she said screw you and cut. She just breezed right past me and kept right on going. Boiling blood I have now. Already mad for having to wait in the ridiculous line and non caring workers, now this. I say, "Oh wait, I was next in line." The lady keeps walking. I say it louder. I know she heard me this time, and she probably heard me the first time. She ignores me. Puts her things on the counter and proceeds to have the other lady ring her up. I stand there in awe. I think of my words wisely. I walk up to the lady who has her stuff on the counter and say, "Excuse me, I was ahead of you and you just rudely pushed past me to what, to cut in line?" (not very well thought out but I only had seconds to respond....) She would not look at me. Neither would the cashier. I took that to mean that I was being too pushy and too rude myself so I took it down a notch, decided to back off and walk away. I couldn't let it go. I turned back around, went right up to her and said, "Thanks for being so polite about it all, just remember how you treat others will come back fully to you. Have a nice day." She never looked at me. I thought, "Is she deaf?" I mean, I really had a scare for a second that she was. But then as I walked away the second time, I heard her say something to the cashier and the cashier speak back so they were conversing and hearing each other. LIVID!

What do you think? Is that me being the police of the world again? Was she rude or was I? You make the call. Go ahead, tell me. What do YOU think?

I left there, actually stood in another line, yes I really wanted this shirt for Gabe Gabe or I would have strolled right out, but I left there and did my normal thing. Held the door for the person behind me, got in the car, always take turns with others in the car like who goes next type thing and then I always stop my car and lets pedestrians pass; always. So go ahead. People like that, let them do their thing. It's called karma. She probably got a ticket on the way home, or a nail in her tire or lost $50. Who knows. I just know, it'll come back to her. What goes around, comes around. Totally believe it.

Jenn

Beauty

I love taking pictures. You probably know that about me. I usually always have my camera. Here are some nature shots I have taken recently. I have so many shots of flowers, I need to put them all in one file. I should print them and do something with them. The beauty of Earth. The beauty of God. Here you go.


Maybe in another life I was a flower. Or a bee. Yeah. I was a bee. This explains the unyeilding love of nature and flowers. This is called simply "The Sun"


If you look close, you can see the underside of the yellow butterfly. The tree was tall and I was not close enough but zoom got me this close...she wouldn't arc her wings for me. I call this one, "Beauty Sleep"


See the sillohuette above, the image of a profile of a face? I call this one "Lost Soul" because to me it looks like her soul is leaving her in front and things are coming to get her in back. Morbid. I know. I know..

I call this one above "Souls Going to Heaven"... ok really there is not a pattern here...or maybe there is.

I am running out of time. More later. I'm sure you cannot wait. I do have some awesome flowers to post but truly running out of time this busy afternoon.

Peace.
J

600!

I don't know how many you have, I have no sense of if 600 is a lot or not but that last post about 'Light Fare' was my 600th! I remember writing my 500th back in June. So in about 3 months I've posted 100 more times. Considering I am a busy gal, this seems like a lot.

I've been at this for a while now and not much else calms me like writing. The words fly out and they literally leap through my fingers to the screen. I write less on the Lucas site now and much more here. Sadly the last post I did on his site somehow disappeared. That one happened to be tough for me. Tears streaming steadily down my face the entire time. Gone. I posted it, hit submit and it brought me to the page. There it was. Two days later when I checked back; gone. Upsetting. I haven't had the heart to try to replicate what I wrote. Do you know how draining that is? It's very draining. Good for the soul, lets it out but takes it out of you. I'll get back. I know I'm headed back. His birthday is almost here.

OMG I said I would not do this!

600 posts! Yippee (I think!)!

I promised myself I'd be in bed by 900 tonight. Here I am; like a moth drawn to a flame in a dark room with this white screen in front of me. It's a good thing I like to write. I guess so. I wonder how many words are IN those 600 posts? Yikes. I'd rather not count. I'm known to be a bit wordy. Ya think?

Night all. Onward and upward I go.

Light Fare

I will try for the next couple of weeks to keep it light; no more heavy stuff. I can just hear the breath being sucked out of the room when I post my true feelings that have anything to do with Lucas. I won't subject you, well I'll TRY not to subject you to it for a while.

It's all happy skipping and trying to be better in the kitchen for a while.

There you go..

Little Bit of This Little Bit of That

Life. It's like a recipe isn't it? It's made up of so many things that when added together, give you the life you have made and created for yourself. For me, it's this..

• one part marriage-My marriage. It has shaped me and given me strength and different sense of myself-I still know who I am on an individual level but I also innately understand who I am with him
• two parts death-the death of my second son, it too shaped me but in a different way
• one part lessons from death-what that life and subsequent death taught me. Kindness to some degree and a quiet knowledge about what may lie ahead. The stuff I never used to think about I now think about all the time.
• one part career success-this too has shaped me in hundreds of ways. More ways than I can say. Loosely I can say that I have grown so much since 1997. When I think back to that young so young girl who started as a leasing consultant and how fast I grew and thrived it amazes me I am who I am today. I learned how to treat people. Learned how to say hard things in kind ways. Learned that sometimes in life, people don't appreciate, don't care and no matter how kind you try to be, it just doesn't matter. Learned that for those people, what goes around comes around. Learned that the good news is most people are NOT like that and it's those people who make me keep coming back for more.

You know it's funny how you come to certain things. I guess your life is exactly what you make of it. Exactly how you allow others to treat you (or not treat you). It takes a lot. It takes a lot to stand up for yourself and demand respect yet kindly be tolerant of others different opinions and thoughts. I have a lot to learn in this endeavor but I know it and I daily try to improve in a genuiune way. When I realize how I've changed and look backwards at the person I used to be it's like an image of an old friend. Then I look at my life now and who I am, who I have become and it's like a warm blanket because I know that Lucas' death changed me in ways I cannot explain (and ways I can) but in changing because of his loss I realize that to step back and look at all of it I couldn't be who I am without any of those parts of the recipe of my life. Things that changed me. Molded me. Watching my biological father die certainly put a marker on my life. Not that I was by his bedside, but we visited my dad, to introduce him to the Oldest when the Oldest was the only one and I was pregnant with Lucas. And what I learned watching him struggle, pretending he wasn't smoking when he was as we knew he was so sick and probably dying, I learned that people will do what they will do. As much as it can break one's heart, you have to let them do it. Even when they are being detrimental to their own selves, even when you know with all you are that they have to stop or they will die you have to let it happen. It's life.

It used to be when I thought of dying, I'd cry. It scared me. Everything about it. But when Lucas died, I immediately felt unafraid. And then even THAT scared me. Did THAT new feeling mean I didn't care about the ones I had here or myself? I have come to learn that no, it does not mean that. I now understand that in life, in learning the true meaning of life, you realize that death is a part of that life, the ending part but a part. It takes a little bit of this and a little bit of that, one part this and two parts that which sums up our whole. What we learn in this life and what we allow ourselves to become is a result of those parts. Our very own recipe.

I don't know. Life is so precious. It is....you know? But maybe our faith now and how we live now determines the peace and calm that probably comes later. Fifteen years ago, ten years ago, even maybe five years ago, I would not have been able to write that statement much less think it. I see now I have come a long way. This doesn't mean I don't still have my rants and raves, mostly internal now with God and that Doctor who operated on him and the huge injustice of it all. Sure, maybe that's natural. The rest has been a slow progression. A slow progression of me, a mom, a wife, a sister, a 'boss'....not the perfect recipe of a human being, slightly off, maybe not totally baked yet, but maybe halfway there. More ingredients I'm sure to come, more things to learn. More times to realize I'm wrong when I think I'm right...but thanks to Lucas I have become a better person. I know now that I owe him so much and that one day, one great day, I'll be able to tell him that as I cradle him in my arms.

---J

Singing in the Shower

Why do you think people sing in the shower? I don't think it's learned; or maybe it is. I can tell you I don't sing in the shower and neither does my honey. Nope. Never. But the Oldest, good Heavens. He gets in the bathroom and the door shuts and he starts BEFORE the water gets turned on and he sings all the way till he's done. He's in there right now, done with his shower, singing his heart out. Just walked out of the bathroom, walked to his room, now it's just a hum. The singing, the all out singing at the top of his lungs (ok maybe not THAT loud but you know, it's loud) has subsided now. Just the humming we have now. Phew. I think it's in some of his genes. But I can promise you they aren't MY genes. Well wait. I DO sing in the car. Now why do I sing in the car where other people could potentially see my singing like an Opera lady but not in the shower? Man I'm all twisted aren't I?

Go on Oldest child of mine. Sing like a rock star. Maybe one day, you'll be singing on the stage....who knows..

so PS, he just walked over to me and asked what that piano was and I said "Oh I'm writing about people who sing in the shower." and I thought he'd catch on like hey wait a minute, I was JUST singing in the shower, are you writing about me? Nope. Told ya. I love that boy, would lay on a train track to save his life but he my friends has NO common sense. None. He didn't get it. So then I said to him, "Oldest why do you think people sing in the shower anyway?" and he sauntered off with his cute little lopsided cocky walk and said, "I suppose just to entertain themselves." You suppose? How old are you again? Kay just checkin. When I think ahead to when he gets older and then the Littlest, man, what can I say? I'm in for a fun little ride. Totally saying that with a big ass grin on my face too. Can't wait. Will gladly wait but still, won't it be the most fun? These boys, our kids, all kids, they have these little personalities don't they? Love it.

Cheers!

OK so if you didn't see it at Tamm's then here's the deal (Trace you better participate! :)

At 9 pm EST and 6 PST lets all have a glass of wine and pretend we are together. Wine across the country. Lets relax tonight, chill out, and enjoy.

I will NOT be doing laundry. I will NOT be washing dishes. I will NOT be working on my laptop. I will just be listening to my IPOD and drinking a glass of wine. Thinking of you all wishing we were together......too many miles between us all! My one friend who I have become really close with is just going to be about an hour away and she never reads my blog, she does not have time busy busy gal but I hope she partakes too. Maybe I'll send her the link. I doubt she'll read it tonight but you never know! The wine might help you sleep tonight, Ang. ;-) Rest this weekend missy!

Love you all.
Cheers!!!!
Jenn

Washing the Car

So the Oldest and I will wash the car when he gets home from school. Never mind it'll probably rain half the weekend, I have the bug up my butt to get it done and once it's like that; consider it done. We'll have fun, get it all shined up, and you know, it'll rain on cue tonight, tomorrow, the next day but I'll rest easy knowing I scrubbed it down and that's that.

Wine? Yes, I'll have some wine tonight too Tamm. Lets both have a glass tonight at 9:00 my time and 6:00 your time. We'll have it at the same time. Ahh....the miles.....

Jenn

Garage Blues

Seriously. I should take pictures. You could then understand my plight. It's bad people. It's bad. I have applied several times to the TLC shows and HGTV for someone to come organize it. I will help them. I will. My husband will be embarrassed into it. He will too. On his own; no. Never. It's been like that since we moved in. We cannot get a car in there. It's bad.

HELP!

I swear. Come watch my boys for one solid day. I will just get in there and you will see stuff flying out at warp speed. I have even called two companies about pricing for roll off dumpsters that they come and drop off. It's expensive! $300! Good LORD!

I HATE our garage. Junk, boxes, empty boxes. I get the guilt trip if I indicate something should be thrown away. We need to keep it all. We do? We do NOT!

For goodness sake it's so the thorn in my side! It so is. Sigh....

Flowers Really Are a Girls Best Friend I Don't Care What They Say...

So I thanked my honey for the flowers he sent me today (he didn't). It threw him off. He emailed me back and said, "Really? Not from me, ya got someone on the side ;) ?" So I played cat and mouse with him about it all day back and forth, just played the game with him, egging him on. He said at one point, "Well you definitely deserve them but they weren't from me"----so my retort to that was, "Stop kidding around, I know you sent them, especially if you think I deserve them, I know you aren't the type of guy who would think I deserve them and not send them yourself, so I know you sent them".

Phew. Poor thing. I was really hanging him out on the line. I finally at the end of the day let him in on the silliness and told him, "In my mind they are so beautiful...." and you know, when we are at home and doing doing doing and feel no appreciation, no motivation to even cook dinner after our long days....doncha think a girl should be shown some love and gratitude? We do so much and they take so much of what we do for granted....the homework, the laundry (and you know how much I LOVE laundry..., the floors, picking up toys, dishes, cooking, bathrooms, keeping up at work (this is no easy feat in addition to all else), and getting on the floor playing with the boys...I mean, right now I'm just exhausted thinking of it all. And as I look to my immediate left and see a huge huge hamper piled high high with dirty clothes that have been sitting there for two days, I wonder to myself, does it ever end? Yes, boys and girls, flowers ARE a girls best friend, ok, maybe diamonds are but lets be real, flowers are SO much more affordable and the net effect is the same; reach out and show your baby you care. Make her smile. I don't care if they die.

OMG he has it on that Justin Timberlake concert again. He's gonna GET it even if he really DIDN'T send me those dang flowers! ;-)

Jenn

The Balance of It All

Food for thought.

Do you think the universe is perfectly balanced and that there is exactly enough evil to balance out exactly enough good? That when things are really good, you cannot imagine or comprehend anything bad happening (like fire, flood, loss of life, death etc) and when things are bad you cannot imagine anything good happening (like falling in love, having a child, or making a lifelong dream come true)?

That the goodness in this world is perfectly placed and fated to swing at precisely an exact time when the horrible things are about to fall into place?

No one ever goes through this life in perfect form or fashion; ever. There is good and there is bad. Maybe the testament of it all is being strong enough to withstand any of it and come out with a shred of wisdom and faith. Maybe that is the secret we are all striving to know more about.....

Thank Heavens I believe in God. If not for that, I'd be flat on the ground, somewhere other than here, maybe even with a new identity or none at all. I know that my relationship with Him far outweighs all else and as much as I love my husband and my boys, that is saying a lot.

It's amazing the revelations that come at the oddest times in one's life and what brings it all on. Makes you wonder more...

Losing It All; Renters Insurance and Fire

I have to tell you, I've seen a lot of things in my career in Property Management. Couldn't even begin to tell you all of them. Just when you think you've seen it all, you realize, nope, notsomuch.

Got a call at 1:15 a.m. Fire. I'm up. The picnic was yesterday and my body was so drained and my muscles were literally aching in my legs when we got home at about 7:30-8:00 p.m. Pain. Potato sack racing and jousting and running from whipped cream and chasing people with water balloons is truly for the youngsters. Clearly not for old people like me anymore. Get the kids to bed, clean a couple things from picnic, try to settle in, crash at 11:00 p.m. Two hours later, get up, robot mode, go to fire. My honey was telling me what to dress in because clearly, I could not think straight. You know how when you have to take a flight early early and you are up before most normal people it's still dark outside like 4 or 5 a.m. and you feel off, like you could throw up or your stomach is unsettled, is it only me who feels off balance when up that early? Well that's how I felt as he's telling me no, don't wear that, (I think I was putting more PJ's on deliriously), wear this, ok ok, I'm focused. Grab water, put a hat on, shoes, I'm out the door. 1:19 a.m. I'm leaving my neighborhood, fast. Go. Blare the radio, roll down the windows, wake up. No idea how bad the fire is, no idea how long I'll be there, hope for the best, maybe I'll be home in half an hour. Right. Pray.

I get there to find no less than seven fire trucks and several ambulances. Tons of people out like they are watching a show and people everywhere. Three townhomes; gone. Find the manager, get the scoop, walk away, get my bearings, get as close to the fire as I can to get a better look and to really get a grip. No one was hurt, everyone got out. One family lost their dog in the fire. We call the Red Cross. They can help. Put them in hotel for three nights, food and clothes for three days. None. I mean NONE of them had renters insurance. Young couples. Everything. Gone. The two young air men on the other side of the firewall where the fire did not spread DID have renters insurance, both townhomes after that firewall till the next firewall had renters insurance. The three that burned had nothing. Irony? Maybe. I don't think so. I think just sad.

To have to tell someone who you know lost their dog that same night that they will not be able to go back in to their home to try to salvage anything, it's been condemned, not safe, you now have nothing but your car; this is a hard thing. It's very sobering. I put my heart right on my sleeve and I did the best I could. It's now 4 a.m. and my muscles, every muscle in my body, my legs at the top of the list, are on fire. Pain isn't the word really. But what right, what right in the world do I have to complain? None. Never said a word. I kept bending down and touching my toes to try to flex them. Fire. Fire in front of me and fire in my body. Fire.

I was so reminded by a co worker and now a very dear friend that this is what we do. Yep. Whatever it takes, part time or full time, we owe it to our residents to be there, to help them, to secure the buildings, and to keep everyone safe.

Do you know how cheap renters insurance is? How affordable? It can average between $80-$130 a YEAR depending on the value of your belongings. How can you not afford that? We highly recommend it to all of our residents, they even now sign something when they move in, we can't mandate they get it but we strongly recommend it. Yet and still so many don't. I just don't understand. How does losing it all compare to $100 a year? It baffles me. I would never put myself in that boat. When we rented apartments, we had it. Before we bought our first home, we had it. How can you not? In the blink of an eye, a careless neighbor, accidental as it may be causes a fire that rips through his home and yours. Done. Gone. Nothing.

Hard to watch and hard to see. Really helps drive home the whole tell those you love you love them. One day here, one day gone. Thank goodness in this case, there was no loss of human life but it happens every day where the opposite is true.

---In the middle of it all, I stepped on a nail. Sat down by the ambulance at 5 am and thought it was glass I'd pull out of my shoe, went right through those stupid Crocs and lo and behold, it was a nail from boarding up the windows and doors. I was so mad at myself, and so tired, and hurting so bad, it all came out and I literally threw my shoe across the road. The rescue worker just looked at me. Bet he's seen it all though. Bet he has. But bet he's never seen a wild eyed woman sitting on the side of the road yell out loud and throw her shoe across the road. Bet not. He laughed though. Asked me who I was. If I was ok. He helped me. I was fine. Just mad. Mad mad mad. At everything. At nothing. At everything.

This is my life. It's easy. It's hard. It's fun and sometimes unbelievable. The facts are all here. I put my little journalistic flare to it but the facts are represented always. If we only live once, why not do it right? Why not try? I saw those homes gone, ceiling gone, floors caved in, walls gone, I looked at those folks and I thought to myself how sad. Protect yourself people. Just do. If you can help it, don't lose it all.

Back in bed for the night at 6:40 a.m. after showering all the filth and funk off, up at 11:00 a.m. this morning, quick 40 min nap and then back up for Sunday School for Oldest, Mass and meeting for First Reconciliation. Still up. Why? So tired I'm not tired. Stupid. Ok yes, I'm going now. Good night. I don't even want to know how many hours I've been up with no sleep. Just don't tell me. Compared to those families, I guess my loss of sleep is nothing compared to their loss of pictures, memories, belongings, clothes and dog. Three families, yesterday at this time, had nice little homes. 24 hours later; have nothing. I bet I still haven't seen it all...

J

So Many Things Tonight

I will try my best to categorize:

The U.S. Open; turning out to be a disappointment to me this year. So predictable Roger Federer will win on men's side. Nothing exciting at all there. If Andy Roddick had beat him the other night, I'd be hook line and sinker attached to the TV right now, all the more interesting and he to me, is shades of what Andre' was; at least for the passion and fire part of the game. The part that draws you to watch and stay riveted. And both the Williams sisters have lost to Justine Henin. So now the finals are between her and someone I have no desire to watch. Nothing exciting. Ugh. Blecch.

Work Picnic; tomorrow. Lots of planning has been going into this and I'm excited for it to be here but also, will be glad when it's over. Ever had that feeling? Sat outside as it got dark tonight and filled 1,000 water balloons for tomorrow and as my back ached, I realized it will not all be in vain. The kids will love them. Sure it took me 7,000 hours to fill them and they'll be gone in three minutes flat but you know, memories, right? Right. Someone better have the frickin' camera out. To record the memories I filled those balloons for. I already have it all planned out who I'm going to throw one at (insert evil laugh/rubbing hands together). Getting all the details right...I need one more master list. I have so many lists! I need to combine them all and pack up all small details tonight so I can rest well. I love this stuff, thrive off of it. But I'm sure it will be the death of me. I'm sure of it. This thing that hurls me forward in life, this drive to go go go, do do do, make it better, bigger, more creative. It will surely be the thing that makes me lose my mind. Must all be perfect, if it's not the way I envision it, skip it, screw it, never mind. Hmmm. Who made up that phrase, 'if it's not my way it's the highway'? Was it me? Nope, someone else. Seriously, it was NOT me. Kay. Lets get it straight on that.

Friends; as I get older in life I realize the few I have are more and more precious to me. More than anything..

Justin Timberlake; watched his concert on HBO with my honey last night and good Lord that boy makes me want to you know what. His songs. Well the ones I guess from this last album?

1. Summer Love
2. Damn Girl
3. What Goes Around..
4. Sexy Back

Those are just a few. Phew. Work it out. I can't believe he was a Disney kid. Look at him now. Explicit and all out there. Kind of yummy. Not all his songs are what I love but some of them.....can't get them out of my system. In a good way. ;)

3rd grade; first week of it is behind us. Things are going well and the Oldest seems to be happy, loves his teacher, gets up each morning ready for the day and coming home happy as a lark. Is this normal? I like it. But I'm just slightly holding my breath...I'll let go in a minute. Just making sure. He told me a story today about three kids who had to write their names in the notebook and he said "this is exactly what the teacher said mom, 'if you talk during class work time you will have to write your name in the notebook' and I knew I did not want my name in that book so I did this with my mouth (and he shows me a fish face closed lips like they were glued shut; funny)." Good job Oldest, good choice. Kudos high five. Not a huge deal but he has not often exhibited careful and deliberate decision making skills. I see the outline of what seems to be a sign but the breath...I'm holding it still, just a little....we'll see.

OK boring but I've regurgiated what is on my mind and once I get everything together for tomorrow now I can rest well tonight. Nothing left on my mind now. Except for the 500 drinks I pushed through Costco today, they're still making my arms ache......that's still on my mind.....kay moving on...

J

It's Gonna Be Alright

OK. The lyrics. I know. Songs on a blog. I've done it before. Tamm has done it, Kel has done it. But just know when we do, it means something to us at that moment in our life. You know what 'they' say, when life hands you lemons, it's up to you to make lemonade. True. Just add plenty of sugar. You know what I mean? So here I am today. Here is where my head is.

"Good Day" by Jewel

I say to myself Self, why are you awake again? It's one a.m.

Standing with the fridge wide open, staring

Such a sight, florescent light

The stars are bright

Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit but

As it is, I might watch TV

Cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me (sadly, sometimes true says Jenn)

I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, just let myself fall

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say

It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see

It's gonna be alright, cause I'm alright with me

It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gotta be

I shiver, shut the door

Can't think standing here no more

I'm alone, my mind's racing, heart breaking

Can you be everything I need you to be?

Can you protect me like a daughter?

Can you love me like a father?

Can you drink me like water?

Say I'm like the desert, Just Way Hotter.

The point of it all

Is that if I should fall

Still you're name I'll call

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say

It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see

It's gonna be OK, cause I'm OK with me

It's gonna be, it's gonna be

As long as we laugh out loud

Laugh like we're mad ( I so do sometimes, if you know me, you know this)

Cause this crazy, mixed up beauty is all that we have

Because what's love but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we can't catch

God, but still we laugh

Get back in bed, turn off the TV

You say "It'll be alright baby, just wait and see." (this part makes me cry; why?)

"It's gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay

It's gonna be all right, just wait and see

Its gonna be all right, no matter what they say

Its gonna be a good day, just wait, just see

It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me

It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gonna be okay...

Uh oh, I'm awake again

It's one A.M.Staring...

Such a sight

Well, at least the stars are bright

************************************************

This is me, when I worry, when it's bad, I fall but the whole time falling, know that I should get right back up, be positive. Fall anyway. There I go. Falling. Here I am. On the ground.

I'll get up when the news gets better. It'll get better.

J

Look To Your Right.

See that Avatar girl over there? Ok yes, she's skinny. I am not. BUT even though she is a character, an animation (yes I'm fully aware that she is don't worry), and I do have all my marbles, my elevator does absolutely go to the tip top floor, she inspires me a little.

I'll never be that. That thin but I take pride in my appearance, I put makeup on when going out, when going to work, look modern and fresh hair and makeup, and am on the other side of a weight I haven't been in a long time. I could still go on the show "The Biggest Loser" and be considered as a contestant probably. Fully recognize I have ways to go but know that I am not perfect and because I am trying and see some results (again for the hundredth time in my life) it's rewarding. I saw someone yesterday who has lost weight fast, 20 plus pounds in 5-6 weeks. It really got me down. I was happy for her, told her she looked fantastic but left upset, stupid me, stupid woman crying in the car while driving. Nothing devastating but just hard to see someone do it with such ease when for me, it takes such dedication and so many times of wanting to eat perfectly but not doing so makes me take longer in the battle to lose it.

My Wheaties bowl is already full of milk (and Wheaties) so no crying in that bowl, and moving on, just saying, it's worth it and after the shed tears yesterday I was more resolved to be diligent so that I can acheive what is reasonable for me. I will never be 150 (and to some THAT is fat) and I truly am ok with that. So the pretty Avatar girl up there, she drives me since I've had her up. Twisted, silly, not realistic but hey whatever works; no?

I have a name for her. It's silly. Maybe I'll tell you later. ;)

signed-
Whatever Works.

It's That Time of Year Again

If you know me, you know I love tennis. The U.S. Open has been such a treat to watch this year. Awesome match just played by Venus Williams and Jelena Jankovic. Now Roddick vs. Federer. Late match it will be and my eyes are burning tired beet red from the last two sleepless nights with the baby. Honestly, the Oldest had to wake me this morning and it took me half a minute to focus, realize what day it was, what time it had to be, and that I had to actually move my body out of the bed. He was dressed, bed made, teeth brushed, hair fixed and saying softly, "Mom, it's time to wake up." eh? Who is that young man standing in front of me? Is he the one who used to yell at the top of his lungs when he was two from his firetruck bed, "Mom can you HEAR me?" when he was supposed to be sleeping at night? Is he the very one who sent me over twelve rainbows on Saturday night at the ballgame and pushed every button my body is known to have? Yes, I think he is one and the same. But um, I digress, I do think I was just talking about tennis and oh how predictable the subject turned to my kids. Sorry.

Tennis totally gets me all happy and excited. Love it love it love it. Wish I was there in NY. Two years. The Oldest will be more in control of his behavior (all nodding your heads up and down with me, right?) and the Littlest will be an angel of a four year old (again with the nodding eh?). This is my hope. This is the plan. Right. Hell if they can't even sit together nicely at a baseball game where yelling and screaming (even if it unnerves their poor dear mother) IS allowed, sitting at a TENNIS match where hushed voices are much preferred and no moving allowed during point play is just not going to happen right now. Not in one million years.

Here are my angels all clamored together at the ball game last weekend. You know my boys and the other three in the background are like my own too. May as well say so.

Icing on the cake for the match I'm watching....Andre' Agassi is commentating (is that a word) the match. That voice....

Grow up, grow up, grow up!

What is it you are really mad about? Why don't you say how you really feel? I mean, I think you do but really not really. Right? I am as honest as I can be. I tell folks what I'm thinking pretty much all of the time. I use tact as much as possible, grant me that. I'm not horrible with the honesty to the point of it hurting feelings. Just say it. You are mad I have a life? I have a friend or two? I plan things, do things and am on the go a lot? We have little ones! We have family friends, close ones our age that we love seeing when we can. We are so busy that sometimes (and God forgive us) we want to just be alone and enjoy the quiet and be lazy. Gasp! I mean, we don't get to do that often but when we can, we take the opportunity.

I have things I love. Hobbies. Things that I gravitate to. If I had nothing to do, no young children, I would still have one thousand things to do and be loving every minute of it. But that phase of my life will come and I'm not wishing it were here I'm just saying, my life is full and I know it will always BE full. Wouldn't want it any other way. My husband will fill his time with things he loves and I will do the same.

I'm thinking this through but I will tell you I'm not a puppet. Don't even try it.

Now we'll talk.

Part Two; Parenting is the Hardest Job in the World

The rest of the story....

After the guy yelled at the Oldest, the Oldest said 'sorry' to him and I think it scared him into behaving for the most part the rest of the game; good outcome. BUT I was ticked off that someone we didn't know reprimanded him while I was sitting right beside him. Have the courtesy to at least say to the parent, 'hey get your kid in line' basically, politely would be nice but whatever get the message across to the adult first. So I stewed. I stewed out of anger. Anger somewhat towards the Oldest for his behavior and also at this guy for his outburst to the Oldest. I promised myself that after the fireworks, if the guy left my way I'd say something to him. If he walked the other way, I'd let it pass. Of course, as fate would have it, he left my way, passed right in front of me. I was shaking. Knew what I wanted to say but unsure of what I actually would say.

I said, "Excuse me"
He ignored me and kept walking.
I tapped his arm (really shaking now).
His wife glared at me and the guy stopped and looked at me. "Yes?"
I said, "I absolutely agree that my son kicking not your seat but five seats over from you was obnoxious. But a suggestion to you for next time, try speaking to the parent first before reprimanding a child you do not know especially if you see the parent of that child sitting next to him." (seriously hands shaking then and my honey clear at the other end of the row oblivious to all that was going on; I was totally on my own)
His wife glaring and boring a hole through my head at this point.
He says nothing at first. Just stood there with a deer in headlights face, turned red and then said, "Oh sure sure sorry about that." JA.
I turned my back on him and busied my hands since I did NOT want him to see them literally shaking.

What I was trying to defend, I do not know. And why I have to be the police of the world, I do not know. Why I could not let that moment pass and be fine, let it go, please tell me because I do not know. He WAS being a stinker. He WAS so kicking the back of that chair probably incessantly (remember I had tuned him out but when I clicked back into reality from the game, yes, he was kicking it over and over and over and over; so was). But this I say to you. What right does he have to say something to my child when I clearly was sitting right there?

Is this my sign? Is it flashing all neony now? Big arrows pointing right to the message? Does the sign say, "Hey you! Someone else had to step in because you weren't doing a good enough job!"? I mean seriously, ask the lady behind us, one row behind us, she would have told you, I fussed at him on and off for different things through the game till that point and the one time I tune him out, a stranger has to step in. To unending heights this rattled my cage.

So. Who's the idiot? Me or him? My husband had no idea what was going on and I know for a fact, even if he had been down by me he would have let the moment go, let him walk away and leave. But the wife, she kept looking at him like he was nothing, trash, shaking her head then look at me and look away. Come on. He can push buttons and he's high energy but he isn't that bad. She was judging me. Didn't like it. I'm hard on him. I want him to be well behaved. He is required to toe the line and when the line gets all loose and hard to walk on, he has to answer for it. But are children perfect? Were we not there to have fun? End of summer, fireworks show coming? Was it like a piano recital or a tennis match where you have to be so very quiet? NO! It was a baseball game were people yell and scream and clap and stomp and eat messy hotdogs and spill drinks. And kick backs of chairs. I guess.

He the poor Oldest got an earful on the way home. That we are not "meanies" and see? Now another adult, stranger to you had to ask you to chill out. It's not only us. Blah blah blah.

That was the part two of the story. The end of the story. So now you know I'm nutty. But I bet you knew that already. Huh?

Jenn

Part One; Parenting Is the Hardest Job in the World.

We went to a ball game tonight. The Oldest was acting up. No more than the others kids and I suppose some would say, it's summer time, it's a ball game, let them be. Some might say that. And to some degree, maybe I do too. His behavior tonight was edgy and pushy and he was indignant and unreachable by me. Not physically unreachable, but in the way that I could not get through to him to chill out. We were with close friends and all the kids so it was him and three buddies. I can only (and I want only) to discipline him.

-I was on him to stop encouraging the littlest to hit just so they'd all fall into fits of laughter.
-I was on him to stop hitting the littlest.
-I was on him to stop yelling.
-to stop pushing.
-etc etc. He was pushing every one of my buttons tonight. There were a couple of incidents mostly minor in nature but I'm trying to focus on the game and handle the baby and then when he's acting up, I'm about over the edge anyway....

So we're sitting in our seats. I'm pretty sure I got frustrated at some point and just tuned him out. Suddenly I get pulled back into reality and from intently watching the game when I hear this loud male voice say "Hey Buddy! Can you stop kicking the backs of the seats?" Whoops, I think I just heard someone who doesn't know us reprimand our son. Hmm. Before I go one step further, what do you think about this? What are your thoughts? Honestly. Once I hear from one or two of you as to your opinion of that alone, then I'll do my next post and tell you the outcome.