Fun

So. I can think straight now. Breathe easy. Am home and calm now. I have stories. Funny ones. I will fill you in later. My world is slowly coming into balance; I can't take these trips that often. They really throw me off. Throw my boys off. The glass seems more balanced now and the liquid inside is not rocking away. It's quiet and still. Phew.

---I will spill my beans maybe tomorrow. Tonight, I need a good nights sleep.

J

Who's that GIRL?

Sick but OK

The Littlest, as known as The King, is sick. Isn't it funny how when they get sick, it just crops up and plows you over because life is demanding that you give your full attention to IT and not the really important things? You know, stop and smell the roses and all that?

Bam. Last night, fever. This morning, I thought it had flown the coop based on his demeanor and slowly receding fever when just before lunch, the fever hit again and the rest of the day was mamma holding the Littlest. He rules. Of course. Is it his ears again? Throat? Just a virus that will be gone tomorrow? I don't know. I will tell you that if he wakes up with a fever in the night and/or in the morning, he's going to the Pediatrician.

You know when they just want you to hold him and they just lay there on top of you like this

then they are really sick. He'll be ok. We'll get through as always but it does take you off route you know. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. If he had not gotten sick, we'd have been running around a bit today and this made us stop and rest, relax, focus on the boys. He's sick, but he'll be ok, and maybe God does have a plan after all; eh? The plan is, slow down. Pay attention. Be quiet. Good plan.

Jenn

One Memory At a Time

Yesterday, and I suppose, there is a pattern slightly forming here, not for sure, but yesterday it happened again. Another crying session. Another memory. What stimulated it this time? Not a song. Not a butterfly. A friend.
I remember Philadelphia sometimes with fondness. Sometimes with utter utter sadness. Always though with a longing, like, I belong there, could belong there, would not feel out of place there. Not even in the city. Could live in a row home. Would feel very connected there.
--We were invited to lunch by a coworker. Her Aunt lived in Philly. I didn't want to go. Felt guilty. Lucas was getting sicker and there was all this guilt and fear. But it was planned and we were urged and they said we needed to "get away" for a minute. So we went.
I remember the houses we passed driving there. I remember her Aunt's house. I remember the food we ate. I remember her singing to her friend for her friends birthday (long story). I could even tell you what her Aunt's kitchen looks like, right now. Every detail. Only been there once. After we ate, I helped a tiny bit cleaning up and we three (my friend, her best friend and our old co worker and myself) went out to talk on the front porch. My husband and the Oldest stayed inside. It was just us. And I could feel the fear in the air. It was quiet but it was pretty big; like an elephant.
We started talking about other casual things, little things. Just watching the kids pass on the sidewalk on a hot summer day. Slowly, I felt it was ok for me to release a little tiny bit. The conversation moved to Lucas. What was going on, how he was doing, and so it began. In that conversation, I think I was letting out a little bit of what I had been thinking, my feelings on what if he died. What about God and how could this be? I remember crying quietly, just slow simple tears one by one, not uncontrolable, never that. They let me talk mostly only saying a few things when need be. It was hard. In the real world, I was their boss. Yet here I was, needing them so much just only to talk and try to figure things out. Like I could. That was the sickest part. Fast forward to now, I still can't figure how it all happened. It did. And it's done, but really, did he die? Is he gone? Well of course. Move on say you. That show is over, that boat has sailed. Be happy. Yes. My ears are ringing with it all. Yes. Be happy. Well there you go, I am happy. And he is too.
My point? I think that there are way way way too many memories for me to let them all blend into the past. I could make it a pretty watercolor painting, I could. I could force it all to blend, but I'd only be fooling myself. Every single time and I do mean every single time I think I've gotten one step further, another new memory floods my brain and it just continues to be difficult in a weird way.
I have a close friend who continues to say "are you going to try for number three?" and that really gets me. She is someone who I consider a very very close friend. A close family friend. She knows all to well, very well, who Lucas was, she was there every single step of the way from beginning to end. It's like a hammer through my heart when she says it. So I have begun correcting her. "You mean number four? And NO, three is enough." Salt on the wound. I know it's not intentional, she's not that way. She just is not thinking. Or she has forgotten how important he was. Maybe it's that.
I suppose the best plan is to take this whole thing, missing Lucas, wishing he were here in my demented way, falling and getting back up, I should just take it one memory at a time. I'm clearly stuck and maybe that's where I want to be right now. There you go, I said it. I want to be stuck because if I get unstuck, maybe I won't remember anymore and that to me, would be it. The end. It would be the end. I have to carry this burden and I have no choice. Sad or not, crazy or not. That's that with that.
Jenn

Betcha Didn't Know

That I LOVE Bernie Mac. He cracks me up! Have you ever seen his show? It's usually on that UPN channel.....and the way he sits there in his chair at odd times during the sitcom and talks to the camera? LOVE THAT. Man he is hilarious. This is him looking at the camera, "Merica, I think my kids are trying to KILL me. Every nightmare I had tonight had them trying to KILL me. I think I should try to kill them before they kill me. Whatcha think? I have to meditate on this for a while, I think I'm gonna be sick again." and he goes off camera. Prior to that he had the stomach virus and was throwing up on Thanksgiving day. I know I know. You gotta see it. I sit here, watch it and laugh like I'm in a room full of people. Why does he crack me up? The best best best is when he talks to us and it always starts out with, "Merica...." like he's saying our name, "Jenn, let me tell you" or "America, let me tell you" but instead of saying "America" he says, "Merica". OK. Seriously. Its late and I'm delirious. May as well have had some wine.

But really, bet you didn't know I loved Bernie Mac. AND did you know that I love Lionel Ritchie? LOVE LOVE LOVE him. His songs. AND did you know that I LOVE Phil Collins? LOVE HIM TOO. AND bet you didn't know I love pecans and feta cheese. HA. Ya didn't did you? AND bet you didn't know that I wish I had Tiffany necklace and bracelet. Bet not. And bet you didn't know that the Littlest went poo poo on the potty for the umpteenth time tonight. Bet not.

That's all. Bernie Mac show totally makes me laugh. Absolutely love that show. Good family fun. Little known show, why is that? And OMG have you SEEN the show on CBS called Rules of Engagement? David Spade and the big voice guy? Seriously. I'm done now. HILARIOUS.

Making no sense. Wanted to talk about other things. Can't do serious tonight.

Ready Freddy

I have been avoiding this thing for so long. Well, almost exactly four years now. My husband is ready. He's been ready. I have not. He's the patient one, God bless his soul. I am not. I SO am not. He has brought it up several times these past years since Lucas died. I (probably horribly) ignore his statements and requests. Eagerly move on to something brighter and happier that I (think) can control. You know like washing the dishes, going to work, giving bath to the baby, helping the Oldest with homework, runing out the door to soccer, you know, other things. I can control. Other things I (think I) can control. Other things.

Watching videos of Lucas when he was alive.

Silence. I hear it. It's all quiet out there. Crickets chirping. Uh huh. Why is it that I often cry on not even so sad parts on Greys Anatomy? And my GOD when they ARE sad, forgetaboutit. Why is that? I find so much commonality with my life in that show and it's not because of all the swinging cafe doors drama the show literally emits with people slamming in and out of Merediths house and bed, it's none of that. It's all the emotional stuff they have going on. So so much. Dealing with love, death, family stuff, best friends, significant others, death, tragedies, laughter, and oh, did I mention death?

So, here's the deal. I think I am ready to watch the videos we took of him EXCEPT I am very afraid. I'm afraid to say it outloud. I'm afraid to say it to him. I'm afraid to actually go through with it. And I almost feel I want to watch them alone. And I know, I know, it's so unfair and selfish of me. I was not his only parent. Not even close. My husband, he deserves to have seen them by now, he just quietly waits. In his quiet, patient, maddening, very loving way. You notice I use the word maddening a lot with him? Yes. He can be so very maddening. I believe it's what draws me to him; all the extra drama and whatnot. If I watch Lucas alive and happy and cooing and interacting, what will happen? It's a good question. I cannot say these things out loud without breaking down and becoming a crazy person. As the tears stream down my face right now, it's what drives the pure fear in me of letting go and letting it all out. Not once and for all, but just once. The for all part, I don't know, I have no idea if that will ever come, I just don't know the answer to that. If I see him alive and playful and happy? I'm ready, I think, but I cannot let my guard down to feel what I need to feel. Or say. Or think. I'm not afraid of crying, good Lord no. Jeez. I do that all the time. That's the easy part. I'm afraid of my emotions. I don't even want the Littlest and the Oldest to be awake, or even here when it happens. I don't. If it were not for this, this blog, for you computer people out there, letting me get this off my chest, well, I just don't know. I wouldn't be any semblance of normal that people might think I am now. I mean, I'm not. But they think I am. It's a good guise, the best rouse of them all.

Did you know that the Littlest can say Lucas' name perfectly? Can recognize him in a picture? Says his name bright as a sunny day on the way out of his room as we pass the hand and foot clay sculptures that were Lucas? We taught him those things. Odd? No. Perfectly normal, for us. The Littlest got his 18 month shots the other day. His pediatrican very kindly asked me (very kind given she'd never met him, she tip toed gently and I so appreciated it) if the Littlest could say his brothers' name. For a second, I wasn't sure what she meant, but I got it, and said that he could and used his name and the Littlest repeated it just like a little Mina bird. This made her smile. And that made me tear up. No crying, just meaningful thoughts hitting my heart. Her comment was "he's family, it's ok for him to say his name" and of course, I agree. I so totally agree.

Life has moved on; no? So ready or not, I should just take the plunge. Well, just chill for a minute ok, because, I'm thinking long and hard about jumping in, scrounging up the videos and sitting down with a blanket and a tissue or two (or four hundred). I don't know. I am thinking. Will I do the smart thing, the thing that is necessary or will I do the easy thing, the coasting along thing I've been doing so well till now?

With love-
Freddy.

President of the DVR

I'm sayin'. I'm just sayin'.

SOMEONE in this house thinks they are the dictator, the president, the king, the RUUUHEWLER of the DVR. You know, it's like TIVO but not as expensive :), DVR. Uh hello? There are four of us in this little kingdom, and all I'm saying is, have a little consideration that the thing I took time to record is what I'd like to see later, or the kids to see later for that matter. If I record something for the little ones, and accidentally neglect, you know forget, to put a lock on it to signify 'don't erase me at least until further conversation ensues about whether it's been watched or not' then leave it alone! DON'T erase it.

Kay. All done now. Walking away from this post. And oh, don't pretend you didn't do it. It wasn't US so it had to be YOU. You the King, you, the said ruler, of aforementioned DVR. You KNOW you erase stuff when we aren't looking. Don't even try to deny it.


Phew. Really all done now. I guess you all have figured out that I'm talking about my dear sweet handsome loving, maddening husband. Uh, yes. Actually, I AM.

Leave it alone honey. I'll find one of those fly zappers and zap you next time. Sayin'.





--J

Words of Wisdom? You Be The Judge...

1. There are no regrets in life, just lessons.--Jennifer Anniston

2. As it turns out, now is the moment you've been waiting for.--Lucinda Williams, singer song writer

3. The firsts go away--first love, first baby, first kiss. You have to make new ones.--Sarah Jessia Parker

4. You only have to do a very few things right in your life--so long as you don't do too many wrong.--Warren Buffet, Richest Man in the World

5. I'm so unfamiliar with the gym I call it James. Chi Mcbride on Ellen DeGeneres

6. I'm still ready to go to the moon if they take me. Who said it? Tom Hanks, John Glenn or Walter Cronkite (answer at the end)

7. An optimist stays up to ring the new year in, a pessimsit stays up tp make sure it leaves (and this I know to be true BTW)

(answer to #6 is WC)

Me, personally, I think #1 and #2 are right on for sure. Without a doubt. #2? It's a dead on ringer.

You Silly Little Baby Face

Check this out. http://crazyhipblogmamas.com/?p=175

These are the silly baby faces that we will always be able to look back on and say, wow, remember when....? Snap them up, take take take those pictures, never stop. Even when they say stop.

Silly faces, silly boys, silly races, silly toys. Silly silly silly.

Much love.

-me

Charlies Angels!

Prompted from CHBM's Carnival. 'What was your favorite TV show when you were little?'

When I was little, my GOD back in the 70's, I absolutely loved Charlies Angels. I looked up to them. The hair, the outfits, and they were HERO's. They saved people. Imagine that.

I was living in Athens, Greece back then and we didn't get many shows. I think we got the Dukes of Hazard, Love Boat, Fantasy Island and Charlies Angels. That's it. Everything else was in Greek. Not just 'greek to me' but truly in Greek. Granted I think I understood some of those shows, I really was just riveted to Charlies Angels. I wanted that Farrah Fawcett hair. What was I? Seven? Probably.

Flash forward, I turned out nothing like them. Not skinny. No Farrah Fawcett hair and even though I'm a hero to my boys, hero to anyone else, I am not. No guns. No adventure. No Charlie and no Boz. Dang it. I don't WANT the guns, have enough familial adventure thankyouverymuch, and Charlie and Boz would just boss me around too much. I've grown into someone who cannot STAND to be bossed around. Wouldn't work.

I'll take the skinny though. Skinny I'm not but if someone wants to hand it to me (yeah right), I'll take it :). Till then, Jill (Farrah Fawcett), Sabrina (Kate Jackson), and Kris (Cheryl Ladd), you go girls. It turns out we're nothing alike but you still rock!

--Jenn

Imagine This

More kid stories; sorry.

I can tell he's gotta go potty. They make certain faces and sounds you key right in, you know immediately what's about to go down (no pun intended). I think he's been trying to go all day but for whatever reason, never did. So when I saw the signs, I was ready to go. I get him to the potty, take off his diapy and there was one little guy in there, fine fine fine, I show him where it goes, open up the diaper and put it in the potty, swing him up there and lo and behold, he goes. High five, good job, talk it up, cheers around the room. Good good good!

He says all done, I get him down, start the tub for his bath and he toddles off to see his big brother in the other room. He was out of my sight for all of 30 seconds when I heard an "uh oh" and I go racing around the corner to see him standing there with his legs spread apart and a nice little "pile" between his little baby feet. And some liquid to finish the whole presentation off. Nice. I mark my thoughts and words I mean my goodness, he's only 18 months old. I say "Oh baby, are you ok?" and he says, "uh oh" then three heartbeats later he says "mmmaaaaammmaaa" and puts his hands in the air. Poor thing. I leave the lovely pile sitting right where it is, I don't warn anyone, "watch out for the poop!" I don't do anything but wisk him back to the bathroom, clean him up and get him in the tub. Bubba Dubba.

So then I say to him, "Did you go poo poo on the potty?" and he says, "yes" and then I say "Did you go poo poo on the carpet?" and he says, "carpit uh oh". I love him. I mean, come on now. How cute is that? Ok. Maybe not so. But it is. Maybe only the kind of cute a mamma could appreciate, but cute nonetheless.

As I was cleaning the mess up, and trying not to vomit BTW, I was thinking, ok, slowly we go. And this is ok. Slow is good. Slow is good. Stinky, not so much, but slow? Yes. Slow is good.

Jenn

Raging Success

We had a baby shower for a very close friend today. It was the most fun because it was everyone, not just gals. The guys, the kids, everyone. We played hilarious fun games that the guys took part in as well. The best one was when the guys had to drink baby bottles full of juice with their perspective wives holding the bottle like the guys were the babies (and don't we know they are sometimes; right?). Oh we got pictures of that. Guys really ARE babies, they were complaining that their mouthes hurt or their jaws hurt and we were all making rather snide remarks (this was me, "Come ON baby, we have to WIN this thing, keep SUCKING!" and of course this can be construed several ways but I'll refrain here....however we were all laughing so hard, I swear, that should have been on video). There was tons of food which is the norm but it all went off without a hitch.

Lets see, the shower started at 2 and they last person/s left at 8:45. Those are our kind of parties. Family, food and fun. Tons of laughing and non stop talking. Kids everywhere and doors opening, closing, and uh, now that I'm saying this, I'm thinking, its a bit wild. :) Kay I really knew that but it's the most fun, no drinking most of the time at our big get togethers, not that we can't or couldn't, just usually don't. When you're having this much fun with your friends, why the need of alcohol? Not really a need so it's just not there.

Total sucess and the boys had tons of fun. Thanks to Grammy for taking the Oldest to Sunday School while we were here tending to the guests. That was a huge help, really it was. Thanks a million. You came and picked him up and then after brought him home. That was one thing we didn't have to worry about and I do appreciate it!

OK folks, I need to get cleaned up and off to bed. I cannot and I mean cannot believe tomorrow is Monday. Seriously, where did the weekend go? Where is time flying off to? Yikes.

--J

Conversations to Remember...

If you read here, you know I'm all about routine and structure, especially with the boys. Maybe a bit less so with the Oldest but not by much. Every night you will find me putting down the Littlest. He stands by the gate at the bottom of the stairs and says night night, ready to willingly go to bed around 7 pm. We do the whole routine and at the end it's read a book, turn the lights off, rock for a bit and in the crib he goes. Lately there has been this sweet little addition; conversations. Well, you know, baby conversations. Gotta start somewhere right? Here is how it goes and I'm telling you it melts my heart every time as if it didn't melt it the time before, it matters not how many times we have them, my heart re melts every time.

Me in a whisper: I love you so much.
Him in a whisper: La Loo (his "I love you") with his head on my shoulder
Me in a whisper: You sleep good tonight, ok?
Him in a whisper: OK
Me in a whisper: Night night
Him in a tiny whisper: nigh nigh

Ok ok ok so the pattern clearly shows he's repeating me but please humor me for the moment; these are the first conversations I am having with him. And I'm the only one having them with him, it's part of why they're so special. He's rambling lots of things and I'm grateful to hear them. Grateful he can ramble. Grateful he can say, "ooohh twouble" when the Oldest does something wrong. Grateful he can say, "jack jack poline" (ok this is a huge stretch I know but it means put my jacket on, I wanna go outside on the trampoline). I'm grateful for all of it.

I've been there, been to the brink and back and I am very grateful that this child of mine is growing, thriving, doing well and very happy. It could be so opposite. It could be. I learned a lot of lessons in the past. Don't be greedy and be thankful for what you have. In him, we have so much and then some. The Oldest pulls us together and the Littlest glues us together it's like building a big puzzle knowing that it will never be complete BUT that's getting to be ok because how can I overlook what we have? These little 'conversations' are priceless for me. They never get old and I one day will wish we could have them again. So for now, they are perfectly enough, perfectly perfect. I don't want what I can't have, I mean for a hot second, sure but really I don't. I want what I have and I am determined to get myself to that better place in my life and ensure that they get all of me. Not half of me or some wistful mom who is unable to give all of herself. I can't let that be me. So I won't. Moments come and go and you can't change what you do, how you do it, you just can't. You can't 're do' life. Nope. I can barely some days comprehend why certain things set me off. Some days I cry too much for no clear reason. But most days I am very clear and present in the little moments that swim by us so quickly. I choose that. I choose to live and be positive. More than anything, I choose to cherish the things that most folks don't tune into. That sweet little boy? He's so worth my time. And these my friends, are conversations to remember.

Now lets hope I don't get Alzheimers.....

--J

First Real Milestone

The Littlest went "poo poo" on the potty on Tuesday of this week. I was so proud. He told me he had to go, I took his little hand and we slowly and purposefully walked over to the bathroom and voila, he got up there and did his thing like he was an old pro.

Great job, buddy. We are very proud of you. It's all up to you, we'll take your lead!

Gross I know, but I even took a picture of it since Daddy was not home. I wanted him to see it too! We are nuts around here. You know, buncha crazy liberals is all we are. Flip flop wearing, free souled weirdos.

Wacky.

Jenn