Routine

We have routine around here. Not Nazi routine, just routine. I was never so reminded of it till last night when the littlest showed me.

We were all in his room, he had his PJ's on, and was just toddling about, going from thing to thing, playing with toys and listening to the other three of us talk. I was loving that we were all in one room in the house, and it's a small one, but all of us in there, just being together. I was taking that part of it in, maybe more than the others. I was quietly observing that one small fact. I was beginning to get lost in thought of other things, mind wandering when suddenly the littlest says out loud, "nigh nigh" and goes to the door and closes it, looks at the light, says 'bye bye' to the oldest and his daddy, comes over to me, puts down his pacy (previously in his mouth) and then says and signs, "mil mil" (milk and did the sign for 'drink'). Well. Now that's a kid who can appreciate routine. It was about 730 and he was ready for bed. And let me tell you, after the room was cleared out of the other two boys, he drank that bottle, and he went fast asleep in two mintues. I quietly laid him down, covered him up, and left the room.

I get the oldest in his room after his shower and we read together and next thing you know, by 830 he's asleep (just in time for Grey's) and that is just how it goes. He gets to stay up later sometimes, yes but on school nights, it's no joke. And he gets that. I think it's from years of routine. I don't know. I think so though.

Now if you were to ask me about MY routine, I'd say to you, "what routine? for me? I have no routine, I fly by the seat of my ever loving pants" and it's so true. How is that? How can I instill excellent structure for the boys yet not for myself? Ok so this entry is turning out to be something else so I'll stop here. Yes. It's THE END.

Jenn

Grey's

Ok ok so I stole this picture from here http://pinkdiary808.com/ and I have read none of her blog (yet) except this post. She sums it all up so nicely, I'll not try to reinvent the wheel. :)

Last nights show was brilliant. If you don't watch this show, you should just try to catch one. I'm not saying 'if you don't watch this show then you are _______ fill in the blank' not saying that at all. It's just a witty fast 60 minutes that helps you lose some of the craziness of the day. I absolutely love it and I find myself belly laughing out loud all by myself and if you've read here before you know that I am known to do that on occasion and that's ok. Sometimes it evokes a visit from my husband who is in another room, and sometimes it does not. But I digress.....the last scene of the show was jaw dropping hilarious. It's scandal and funny and horrible and so not real life. Is that why it's easy to lose yourself in it? I mean, really. They round up a cast of attractive folks led by the MOST attractive of all, Patrick Dempsey, who really has the yummiest eyes (hair? what hair?) and they write these incredibly funny scripts, putting them in the most unusual of circumstances (mostly) and some wit, throw in some drama and a splash of sex and my oh my.

OK. So I'm a bit of a fan. Just a bit. I bet you couldn't tell. Nah. Didn't think so; what with the gushing and rambling on and what not...

-J

We

Are so blessed. We are happy. We have a loving relationship. We love these boys and we both try to make it all work. Does it always work? Mostly; yes. Always; no. But that's ok, isn't that the beauty of life?

We only live once. We are only alive once. Tonight it struck me as the Oldest and I were reading together, Charlottes Web. It has taken us a really long time to get through this book, not because it's difficult but simply because he hops around in his readings, books, etc. We are reading a part that makes you begin to think and predict about death; the impending death of Charlotte. We had a very revealing conversation about the subject and I have to tell you, I was full of pride, emotion, and tears that I never let fall. He is a wonder to me. At the end of our discussion in which he revealed to me that 'You know Mom you can't live forever, no one lives forever, you can only live forever in Heaven where you get to see your baby brother and other people you know and love', I asked for a hug. What can you say to that? Unled by me, he wandered down the road of, 'tell me again how Lucas got sick, I know he died of a virus, that's what I told my friends in my class' (really? sure, a virus ended up being one of the things that weakened him more but then I wanted to set this little seven year old straight, I think he's able to hear it now, not all the details maybe but the general ideas; yes) and our conversation was so surprising. I walked away wiser, and more in tune with where he is. More proud. Wow. I didn't know he had told anyone of his friends at school about Lucas. I just didn't. I mean, of course, no big deal, whatever, but just surprising.

Live once. Live it now. Do your best. It's all you can do. We can do. We all make the world the place we live in. Our lives, our families lives, our friends lives and we're all connected without knowing it sometimes....

Me.

So. I am impatient. To the extreme. I am independent. It is hard for me to accept help; I will when I know I have to but I pretty much have to be in dire straits. Where does this come from?

I recently took a personality test (work related) and it told me some things about my personality that I maybe knew but didn't want to face. Impatient to the far extreme (hmmm) and independent. Hate routine, hate to be boxed in, have a need to get it done effieciently, get it done fast, chop chop, be done with it.

Last night I went out for a work function. Saying goodbye at work to a co worker/peer who has become a friend of mine. It was fun; nice time really. I don't usually do that kind of thing. As soon as we got there, drinks all around. Can I say I never ever do that? Seriously. I'm being wild if I suddenly get a hair up my butt and have one glass of wine or a 'wine cooler' etc. Whoo Hooo. So knowing that, I sort of can't believe all I had to drink. Three martinis, two white russians (someone ordered those for me and at that point, what the hell, I drank them) and half a glass of wine. There we all are, having fun, some work talk, some personal talk, lots of pictures later, and we start talking about this personality test that we all took for work. WELL. Apparantly it's well known I mean, how could it not be, if that's who I am that's who I am and I'm known for my impatience. Kind of a joke at the table. Now I must admit, I showed some impatient traits during some conversations and some of the toasts, and so why am I getting all upset, I was catching myself rushing things along, 'come on come on come on, say the toast already' and then when the other person couldn't think of the words she wanted to say, I butted in and threw something out there and everyone just died laughing. What? What's so funny? I can't stand the stammering. Get it out, say it. If you don't, I will. Then I realized the absurdity of what I was thinking, saying, feeling and I got upset. I'm sure the alcohol didn't help.

What am I? Am I a nice person? Am I even nice? I am so mean inside. I don't want to be that way. I know everyone is made differently. I got a good look at how others view me last night. They were laughing, it was all in fun, but I so took it to heart. Damn it. Whatever I am, I don't like that others know it and I had to realize it. If I had to describe myself, I think I could but I don't know what it would all mean.

And to think; I saw a therapist. It's hard to tell. I'm quite the messed up individual.

J

Life is like a box of chocolates

I just watched the last 45 minutes of Forrest Gump; probably the saddest of the whole movie. I had forgotten how touching this movie is. One of the things that was said in this movie was, "In order to move ahead in life you have to get past the past" something to that effect. So true. All the phrases from this movie, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get" are really true.

There's a part of the movie when he's getting on the bus to join the military (this is memory here, I did not see this tonight so sorry if my memory mis serves) when he wants to sit down and everyone keeps saying, "seats taken" and won't let him sit with him. Time and again, "seats taken" till he gets to who ends up being his best buddy, what was his name, Bubba? And then they go through the war and come home, open a shrimp business and call it Bubba Gump and get rich? All that is memory. Now I want to rent and watch the whole thing again. Crazy.

Life IS like a box of chocolates. You DON'T know what's going to happen. Your husband could go for a bike ride and end up crashing and crushing his hip bone completely, all in one day having to have it reconstructed, you could drive your five day old car, brand spankin new into a parking garage behind an Expedition whose driver panics and thinks she can't fit in there, throws her car into reverse without looking into the rear view mirror and backs right into your new car (wouldn't THAT suck), or you could meet, fall in love with, and marry your best friend, have three children, love them all dearly and lose one of them before he turns one. Life is like that. Highs and lows. Extreme highs, extreme lows. Lots of middles.

All this and a puffy face, puffy eyes, from watching the end of Forrest Gump. You can't just be me and live a carefree life; not anymore. Everything means something. I'm intense. I love intensely. I dislike intensely. Nothing escapes me, well not much. I was waiting at a local hair salon to get a trim and I was sitting dead in the middle of these two guys, one young and one older. They were talking about random things and it was apparant to me, the younger one was drawn to the older one, maybe wanted a bit of his wisdom, just kept at him, in a nice way but really wouldn't leave him alone. Talked about a lot. The younger one owns 50 acres of land and raises cattle as a side business, couldn't only do that for a living, just does it on the side, enjoys it blah blah. The older one starts talking about how he has a friend in Montana and he raises a certain kind of cattle, show cattle (I've never HEARD of such a thing) and blah blah they are talking and I'm then zoning in and out, kind of wishing I weren't sitting there. Then the conversation turns. The older one asks the younger one, "well if you don't do the cattle bit for a living, what DO you do for a living?" and the younger one says, "oh I work at a hospital" and the older one says, "what are you...like maintenance or a cleaner (cause the younger guy looks kind of rough)?" and the younger one says, "oh no, I'm a cardiologists assistant, I do a lot of catheterizations, assist with those in the cath labs". He has my full attention and my heart stops. It's all I can do to not interupt and ask him a thousand questions. I think to myself and I remember clearly time stopped for a moment and everything was moving slowly, I'm meant to be here right now. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Maybe I'm going to hear something that will help me accept Lucas' death, so sit still and just listen.

The younger one begins to explain what it's like to be in the cath lab and how amazing it is what they do and how many lives they save by the information they gather. In a way, they are like an investigative team who goes in before the actual surgery. I know all this to be true, as Lucas underwent two catheterizations. He said sometimes it was hard to do the little ones, the little kids because it was sad when they realized the road ahead of the child would be hard (I guess depending on what they found is what I took from it). The older guy was back and forth with him prompting answers. There was little else revealed. There was a moment of silence. I could have spoken up and told him a quick version of our story, of Lucas. I couldn't. I was riveted but I could not speak. I was on an emotional edge and knew if I divulged anything in such a setting, it would be awkward and I might get upset. You never know who you are sitting next to. Who knows who or who does what. You truly cannot judge someone by their looks. Lesson learned. I knew it but it has to be practiced in order to really learn it; have it engrained in you.

---The movie Forrest Gump drew up all this. I feel better; do you?

Jenn

My Boys

So as you know, these are my boys. My night and day, my whole world. I look at them and I am amazed; more than amazed that they are from us. We made them. Wow. And we have raised them, are raising them. Tonight in church, the littlest was so well behaved, the oldest was a stinker. How's that? He's like a wiggle worm. Finds it very difficult to be in confined spaces. He can do it but he almost becomes another child at church. Funny, but really, not funny. But funny. At one point, I said to him a very terse, "STOP it" in a very forced hard whisper voice and I was holding the littlest at the time (well, actually, I held the littlest the WHOLE time but I digress) and the littlest looked at him and crooked his little arm and made the L with his thumb and forefinger and said "NO!" and I died. He wasn't really copying me per se' because I didn't say 'no' I said to the oldest, "STOP IT!" and he took from that, 'No, not nice' or whatever. Funny. Life is an adventure but then if you have kids, you know what I mean. It's true of all kids. And you have to be prepared for any moment. As we left church, the oldest said out loud to his Dad, "That was stinkin'!!!" ????huh???? Of course, my honey was mortified that anyone might have heard him, and he didn't really know what the oldest meant and only later it came out (after I calmly and logically asked him what he did mean at that moment in time as opposed to just telling him how horriblly he had behaved, you know the one who talks him to death; that's me) that he had smelled the Holy water (as you enter/exit you dip your finger in it and do the sign of the cross) and thought it was stinkin (stinky). And I'm not supposed to laugh at him?

These are moments we will remember and cherish and will make for good stories later in life. I'm just marking it all in my head as we go along. Thought I'd share with you.

---Jenn

A New Book To Dig Into...

It's called Undomestic Goddess. I need a good book right about now. Looks right up my alley and fits exactly how I've been feeling. When I saw it, in 2.5 seconds, it was in my cart. Then I walked a bit, and decided to read the blurb on the back; trying, attempting, to not be so impulsive. To make sure I might actually like it, just because the title said exactly how I have been feeling, doesn't mean I'll like it. Well, yes, it seems I might be interested. So we're off. Lets see how long it takes me and I'll give you updates. I'll let you gals know if it's worth your time or not. Lets hope so. I need to dig into something to take my mind off things for a bit.

Too busy 'Waitin on the World to Change' (and yes I love that song).

The story is too long. ......big exasperated sigh.....

J

Happy Greys Anatomy Day

It should be a National Holiday or something! Check it tonight at 9 pm EST. First show of the season. I can barely wait the rest of the night.

http://abc.go.com/primetime/greysanatomy/index.html


Crazy how much I love this show.

Jenn

Once Upon a Time

When I was younger (much younger) I wanted certain things. Specific ideas about specific things but not a huge list of them either. I was absolutely NOT a big picture kind of person. I was selfish. It's true that many young folks are, but I think it's unfair to say all young people are selfish. I don't think they are. I don't know why I was selfish, but I was. It was all about me. I remember always 'saying' I wanted 3-4 kids. The truth is if you want a family, children are usually part of that picture. What I didn't know was that it would come with time. And it would just happen when the time was right, with the right person. I was in a hurry to live life. I didn't really know about material things as far as wanting all the stuff you think you need to keep up. That would come later. I have been pregnant four times. I miscarried once and of course, lost Lucas, leaving me my two boys now, the Oldest and the Littlest. I had my three children. Out of all the things I have learned along the way, I have learned that they are worth far more than anything else I have or could wish to have.

Once upon a time, I was a young brat, who played tennis too much, whined for ridiculous things, and didn't appreciate what I had and life. I think I've grown enough to say I am no longer a brat, still love tennis but don't play anymore (product of busy life/laziness with busy life), don't whine anymore, and very much, in every way, appreciate all I have in life. And I'm only 36. I know some folks who are older than me who can't say that. Is it because of the path we've walked? Or is it just that it took this long for everything to click? Or both?

Whatever it is, I'm glad I'm where I am now. I'm glad I don't overindulge in silly things. I'm glad I don't worship the wrong stuff. I'm glad I've grown up. It's about time isn't it?

--J

He's MY Addonis

Now you tell me, uh hello? His face alone is pure perfection. His body, well, it's better than his face.

Who IS this guy you want to know? He's a very close second to Matthew McConaughey and I do mean a VERY close second (like milimeters) but he is quite handsome, quite exquisite, love to look at him.

Anyone watch As the World Turns? He is Mark Collier or Mike on ATWT. Yummy.


---------------------------------------------Jenn

First official haircut...

Maybe I'm a little biased, but how handsome is he? You should have seen me, holding him down last night, with his nose running, (he's sick), on my lap, him facing me, and the barber just doing his thing. He wasn't happy, he was doing kind of this fake cry thing but he knew I was there and he could see me right in front of him and man he wanted his pacy (which btw he calls his "mapu mapu"). The barber was an older guy and he didn't mind the crying, in fact I think he took a bit too much time doing the cut. I told him twice, ok, that's good enough, and he kept cutting more and going higher in the back on his neck. He said he wanted his 'first haircut' to be really good. And there was the oldest, bouncing off every chair in the place, not able to sit still, then turning to the mirror and doing like a "Me Man Hear Me Roar" bit and beating his chest (yes be alarmed, go ahead). It was like a three ring circus. BUT the outcome was good and I was trying to maintain a good nature about it.

Look at that boy. Now I must say. He does make me proud. No one else can really understand him at this point but he's saying things like apple (bapple), night night (nigh nigh), pacy (mapu mapu), cookie (cookie), his oldest brothers name (pretty close), of course, mamma and daDEEE, bath (bah), etc etc. And he too is signing. He is not deaf, as Tammy says, (and I have long believed this even when the oldest was little and I sent stuff to Tammy that I had for the oldest to help with her little one) it's a form of communication and it helps them to not be so frustrated since Mamma is probably the only one who understands them at this point when they are so little. He can sign shoes, more, he tries drink and I know what he's doing, it tells me he's thirsty, thank you, all done (when he's full or doesn't want something anymore, doesn't even have to be food), and no. He's good at that one. Actually he's kind of made up his own symbol/sign for no but he totally knows what the "no" sign is and then he inflects his little voice, says "no" outloud and signs his made up sign. It's his first finger and his thumb in the shape of an L and he twists his little hand and points his finger at you and says a resounding "NO"! Hmmm wonder where he gets that bossiness? I can't be sure, it's no one around here...... :)

Anyway, he's growing and so handsome and makes us all three, so very happy. These are moments in time; no? The best.

Jenn

New One to Love

Whether you know it or not, your new little scatter pants, the one that runs all over in a flash, with boundless energy, the one that has brought some happiness to your life....new adventure and jazzed up the one that's been there forever, pumping up his blood, making him stand guard for countless hours just waiting for a glimpse of the new little one, that was a step. I think it was an involuntary reaction, it was an invisible gesture, a reaching out for newness...and just like that you took a step.

Liberty is so proud of you. She is wagging her tail big time right now. Probably scampering around with both of them; you just can't see her. She's there.

This morning, I was putting the littlest down for his morning nap. He was more than 3/4 of the way asleep and suddenly he opened his eyes. He didnt' look at me. He just opened them. Then he looked up and held his hand outward with a huge smile on his face. My heart stopped. Not only did he do that, he waved upward, like someone was there but up higher than someone standing. He said some variation of some word, I'm not sure I think I willed it to be something like this (and it did sound like this but we all know the mind can play tricks on us), "kookis". Unlike the word "cookie" when he says that, this was a different blend of a vowel sound. And he just kept waving. And I cried soft tears. I felt Lucas there so strongly. And the kicker is, previously, when he was falling asleep as I rocked him I was remembering Lucas. I had been thinking of the day I gave birth, and how vivid those memories were, of his Pediatrician walking in the room with a big smile on his face, meeting Lucas, checking him out, then later, the next day seeing him come into the room with not such a smile on his face. And in five minutes feeling like I couldn't breathe, hearing terminology I'd never heard, all of it sounding like Greek to me. My mind this morning was quietly racing with thoughts of all of that, looking down at the littlest, feeling so lucky and blessed again, and then he pulled up and did all that smiling and waving.

Do you not think that there is such meaning in life? Even when you aren't even thinking there is? Even when something mundane and very day to day is happening, very boring, very "hey I've got this, done it a thousand times" is going on, do you not think that if you were to slow down, look at the scenery around you, that there isn't meaning to almost everything? There is. Let me tell you, please take it from me. There is. To my core, I know it.

There is a lot being done and said about 9/11 coming up. Many families and women and children moving on, trying to move on, lots of stuff on TV. I have been watching it all with great interest. Not so much because it ties in to anything with Lucas and having lost him, more so because it matters. More so because it's intense human interest and to see what these folks have lost and had to overcome is amazing. Every now and then a chord is struck inside me and yes, I do cry because it reminds me of having lost him but largely not. I have a view from a different street, in a much different house, on a much different sofa than most people. And because I sit here, where I am, I feel wiser. Yet dumber. Because for all I'm worth, I cannot overcome things I want to be able to overcome. The emotions are still with me and truly as strong as ever. He stays with me. For that I'm glad but it can be a double edged sword you know?

Having a new one to love, it helps and the love that I have for this little boy (and his big brother) can move Heaven and Earth. And maybe that's why Lucas is here so much, he's moved by my ever staying love and he knows he's automatically, intrinsically part of my soul. So let it be written, so let it be said.

-me

In honor of the US Open and conversations with myself

My Avatar (what does that mean really? I'm quite confused on the meaning of the word, they have these little Avatar cartoons on Cartoon Network that the oldest is dying to watch, I keep rejecting him on that) has changed her appearance in honor of the US Open going on now. Do you love tennis as much as I? I LOVE it. I could sit and watch it all day (yes I know, this is part of the problem, ahem. Sitting and watching not DOING blah blah blah).

Someone I work with just had a little girl. She brought her in to work today. My God man, it makes me want to have another. What is WRONG with me? I've lost my mind. She is sweet and tiny and sleeps all the time, and wears all pink and has the pinkest sweetest softest baby skin, and her hair is so fine, it's softer than anything in the world, and she is so content and did I mention she's beautiful? And did I mention she is so tiny and sweet and has soft skin? And sleeps all the time? And she's a GIRL. **big sigh** I didn't get to hold her because she was sleeping. But oh I wanted to. I would have held her all day (watching tennis).

You see, mine is a simple life. I require very little really. Just the love of a baby, a few good conversations, a little control in my life, a good book every now and then, maybe a shower here and there, a little lovin with my honey, a new outfit now and again, the love of a baby (sorry did I say that already?) and a good tennis match every once in a while. A good bottle of wine could cap it all off and I'd be all good. See? Not much. I require very little really.

And all this started with the new Avatar outfit over to the right............life is so simple scratch that.....complicated......scratch that....perfect. A baby girl....hmmmm....***another bigger more dramatic sigh could be heard by all***

And on that note, I'm all done for now. Off to bed with visions of pink dancing in my head...(yes and with girls comes drama and LOTS of crying and tantrems and drama and clothes buying). Ok, I'm all good with my boys, talked myself right out of it. See how easy that was? All that on my own. Didn't even need you.

Jenn

Blogging.

Some people can be utterly free in their blogs. Say exactly what they want, when they want in a way that they want. Talk about ANYTHING (and I'm so ok with that, just pointing out) and in fact, it probably makes for a more interesting read.

I can't do that. LOTS of people read this who know me. Can't go there. Maybe I need another forum, where I can say it all. Keep it just for me.....

The beauty of this can be anonymity but then, kind of, what's the point? I don't know, there probably is a point. I need to think on it more.

BTW, I'm tired but refusing to go to bed. It's my own way of boycotting school starting tomorrow. The Oldest going into second grade? I need another week, please. What's that you say? Ain't gonna happen? Damn.

Here we go. Another year to fly by us. I have signed up for too much I think. Room Mom, Spell A Thon, a local reading initiative, Clippers and Snippers (for labels-school gets credit), and uh yes, I have a one year old and work part time. Hello? Oh and we both signed up for the Field Day at the end of the year but I have 180 days to worry about that one.....tell you what, next time I go to an Open House, someone tie my writing arm behind my back and tape it all up. You know, so I won't go to all the tables and over extend my well meaning self......

--J

Pondering

Sometimes in life you take what you can get. Sometimes you fight for more. You have to know when it's worth it. Definitely some battles are worth it. Others, not so.

I wish I had been born with a mouth that were easier to shut. As it is, I really have to work hard, and struggle sometimes, yes struggle to keep my mouth shut. If I think it and feel it passionately, it's going to get said. One way or another it will come out.

So I've been researching some things lately...for one, on dreams. I have been having these highly violent dreams. So much so, I will not even give details because there are people in my dreams that I know. Violent things. Alarming. So I have gone and looked up a few things.....basically bottom lining it, it has nothing to do with them. It has to do with me. Repressing. And not even repressing about them. How convoluted is that? And who knows that what we are learning and reading about dreams is really true? Seriously, how do "they" know?

Suffice it to say, I have a lot of work to do and a lot of decisions to make. About my life, what I'm doing, getting off my bummy and getting it done. I have to fight the good fight because you know, I'm not exactly married to a risk taker. But you know me, it's all gonna come out. One way or another....

betwixt and bewildered for now...signing off.

Agassi

He lost his final match. But he was not a loser. For whatever reason, I felt connected to him, a sports figure I've never met. Always felt connected to him, always rooted him on, like he was a brother or something.

He exited stage right today but I know he'll be back in some way shape or form in the tennis world; maybe not as a player but as a prominent figure....in some way. This I predict. He will do well. Now he gets to go buy a puppy for his two children. I'm such a sap.

Jenn

Go Agassi!

Today, Sunday the 3rd of September as he plays at the U.S. Open, battling through tons of pain, I hope he wins. He is an inspiring athlete. He's got guts and fortitude.

He retires come what may after this tournament....I hope it ends well for him. He's played this sport for 21 years. He owes this sport a lot and this sport owes him a lot.

His match the other night had me on the edge of my seat until 1 am. Entertaining AND inspiring. AND he won it against a young up and coming star in tennis. A guy who is young 20's. It was a fantastic match..

Good luck Andre, and yes, it's true, I do believe legends live forever......(ok ok so I'm getting a bit overly sentimental but I can remember as a young (er) adult watching him, being inspired by him, being taunted by my husband about why I was so enamored with him....it had nothing to do with looks, it was just I 'got' him. I've always rooted for him.....so cut me some slack!!) :)

You know where I'll be for the next two hours or so...