Drowning in Emails!

Today at work, I sent 97, count em, 97 emails. All necessary, work related emails.

I got almost twice as many. We're talking in just one day.

HMM. Wonder how it would be if I was FULL TIME.

Too much. Keeps me busy, keeps me on my toes, but too much. And you have to read, absorb, and respond to all that. It's the flow of the company....sometimes you just want to bury your head in the sand. Tomorrow would be a good day to do that except it's slated to be 102 degrees here. Thanks Tamm for blowing it this way. Stinker.

Jenn

Baby Love

If you have a little one, you'll know what I mean. When you are rocking your baby to sleep, it's the most special time in the world. The bond you are forming is unbreakable. I cannot get enough of his baby smell, I swear it oozes from every one of his tiny pores. My friend Tammy and I have talked about this from time to time. What is that smell? Why do they have it and then outgrow it? Is there a study? I'm going to research it. It's absolutely heavenly and it makes you fall in love with your baby more all the time. I love how he just completely relaxes in my arms after a bottle, or the huge contented sigh he lets out, like all is right with the world..I will sit there and rock him far beyond what he needs. Sometimes I doze but not for long, there's much to do in this house, let me tell you. But I do let myself and we just sit in the glider chair quietly rocking back and forth. The door is always shut, and I know he knows when we go in there, it's his normal routine of quiet time, sleepy time. He has been saying "nigh nigh" for about 2-3 weeks now. He knows. I find it so comforting our routine. I hope he does to, I think he does. He still needs his two naps but I know within 2-3 months (or sooner) I will begin the transition of weaning him to one nap. Less time to bond and cuddle but what can you do, he's growing too fast.

I know I'm not the only one who cherishes these moments, all moms do. For me in my world it means a tad bit more; the time we have. If I could just squeeze him into a bottle and carry him with me everywhere I would and I wonder, is that a normal feeling? I do need and want 'me' time and I get it every now and then, but you know what I mean.

He has undoubtedly become the glue that has held us all together. I watch his older brother and I cannot imagine another child being so overprotective over another. I'm sure I was over my sisters but I don't remember it like I'm experiencing it now. The oldest is so in tune with when the littlest may get hurt, may fall, he projects it out depending on their activities and sometimes I must admit, he's far better at it than I. He gets upset with me and will say, "You weren't watching him!" and he's right. I give the baby some freedom and I have the house fairly well baby proofed so I know, he may fall, I'm turning my back for a moment or two, but he'll be ok. The oldest sees it as OMG he's going to GET HURT and panics. It's irritating but I love him for it. He's the perfect big brother for this little boy. God does things just right doesn't he?

I think so.

-J

Kindness

I just want to say being kind comes easy to me. I am easily pre disposed to doing the right thing.

I had a dog when I was little. His name was Jockey. Well he wasn't just mine, he was all of ours, he was our dog. He was a little beagle. He chewed up shoes and he always tried to get loose from the house. I think my sister was more attached to him than me. I loved him but she adored him from what I can remember. Sadly, he got out one day, and he got hit by a car. I was so sad. I remember going outside and walking alone. Then finally ending up on a curb, staring at the road where the he had been hit. The driver who hit the dog had apologized and felt bad. I just sat there. Probably crying. One of many times I would feel a sense of loss in this lifetime. Has it made me more callous? Has it made me kinder? I know that the kindness I have in me, in my soul, is just there. Maybe planted by my different experiences in this life.

I may be gruff, I may be voiceful, but I do care. I do have a soft side. Sometimes its tough for me to let it show, it is a struggle, but I still try. Other times it's as natural as the sunshine. It just depends on when you catch me. Forgive me that.

Jenn

Angry little thing

Wow. It is really hard as a parent not to lose your cool with your kids. My oldest just blew up over something really little (a tatoo didn't work and by trying to make it work, he ruined it and I was upstairs putting the littlest down for a nap). So he comes upstairs in the baby's room, walks in (has never done that before when he knows it's "nap" time for the baby) and jumps up and down screaming, "you left me down there and now I ruined my tatoo!" continuing the jumping up and down tantrum in front of me and the baby. I was shocked but angry. He walked out of the room and I had to force myself to remain calm literally had to force myself. He's only a child, he's only a child, I can get the baby back down in a minute, he's only a child....the mantra running in my head.

I tell him it is unacceptable to behave that way and speak to me in that manner, that being that out of control about something so little must mean he's upset about something else and he may kindly go in his room for 30 minutes to think about it. And BTW no, you cannot play with any of your toys (yeah right what will I know if the door is closed). Oh that just sent him over the rainbow. The fact that I was so calm made him the maddest probably. So I get the baby back down and I go into his room and again calmly tell him that his behavior will not be tolerated and that he will be receiving a 21 Day Material NonCompliance (kidding Tammy) in the mail soon. I again tell him he has some time to think about how he could have handled that better. By then he's not crying but the baby is.

The life of a mom is insanely blissful in thousands of ways. This is not one of them

Jenn

Latest Rant

So a local TV station posed the question and I could not believe it was a REAL one (I digress). the question was this:

Do you think the English language should be the official language of the United States of America?

Are you kidding me? First of all, I didn't know it wasn't. And why isn't it? Yes it should be! I understand that this country is made up of many different cultures and is extremely diverse. That's the beauty of this country! I have no qualms with the way our country is currently made up (generally speaking folks). However I do believe that every country should have one commanding force, one authority and one driving language. All of the latter are American/English. Is this making sense? The main language should be English. Our country is made up of mostly American people; this includes African Americans, Asian Americans, Mexican Americans, etc. The common denominator--American! English is overridingly spoken as our main language. I know there are many other languages spoken here, Filipino (and even different dialects of that), Spanish, German, etc.

I couldn't believe they were posing this question. I think some people will feel that this country should not have an official language because we are such a hodge podge but that opinion will probably come from a small percentage of people. Our country was founded by English speaking people and we as a society are English speaking people; it represents who we are today, yesterday, and tomorrow. To me, this is a no brainer and I can't believe it isn't the official language for us already. Are we so afraid to upset a small minority of people when we know that the largest part of our population will agree wholeheartedly? It's like the whole no prayer in school.....you know what? Don't get me started.

Jenn

Why? Why OH Why?

Does your significant other feel that he (or she but mostly HE; this is about the HE's) is Superman? If you are out with your family enjoying a nice time, maybe lets say, at a Festival, where there are a lot of people around you and music playing and kiosks where they are selling food and you know, just busy busy all around, but you, you are enjoying your wonderful family time. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, you happen upon a fight and he (the HE in your life) changes from sweet man to "I am Lion hear me ROAR" man and jumps in to save the day of the two idiots who started the fight in the first place? Yes, this has happened to me. Without the kids, but yes, he did this, we were just dating, I thought, "OMG, what is WRONG with him?" and then "get OUT of there! Stop stop stop!" ensued.

If he sees an accident he always stops to help. Yes, while this is very nice, it also can be dangerous. You just never know what you might happen upon. I think it's a wonderful citizen effort to help and call 911 from your cell phone but NOT STOP. Give them all the deets but NOT STOP. Make sure the person/people get help but NOT STOP. It matters not if it's day or pitch black night. He will stop. I think he thinks he is Superman. I really do. I admire his tenacity and his values and he does not waiver for a moment. Does not. But it freaks me out. I am overly protective, overly cautious.

Is your guy like this? Does he want to save the world? Without thinking of his own safety? To a fault? Makes me crazy.

--J

Did you hear that?

It's nice to have peace and quiet. When I'm alone (baby is asleep boys are out on an errand) I do not turn on the TV. I do not turn on the radio/CD. Nothing. All I hear is the buzzing of the house. The refrigerator, the AC, the laptop, the humming of the ceiling fans....just me and the electronic stuff. It's nice. Shhhhhhh...what was that? Oh, nothing, not a sound. Not the TV blaring, not someone calling for "mamma", just quiet.

I will enjoy it while I can. I don't think it will last long and me and my thoughts could use a break now and again, know what I mean?

Yes, there's work to do, there's laundry and toys to pick up, kitchen floor to sweep, dishes to do and work work to do on the laptop. All of that exists. But right now, it's just me and the quiet. Shhhh, don't jinx me. Just let me revel...it's not often I get this you know. In fact, I can't really think of a time I do.

--signed quiet in Heaven

Hmmm

Question: What do you think men are thinking about when they are staring off into the distance looking dazed and confused?

Answer: They aren't thinking what you WANT them to be thinking, I can promise you THAT! When asked, they reveal things such as, "Oh, I'm thinking about our neighbors and how we don't talk to them or how they don't talk to us" HUH?

Prior to this, there had been serious conversation about a serious topic (uh nonya) and so my mind was wandering with the flow (and exact flow) of the previous serious conversation.....and I look over and him and think, 'oh goody, what's he thinking about?" Neighbors. Clearing of throat here, Uh Hum. You see, men really ARE on a different planet than we are. Were they even BORN here? I don't know.

There is this ridiculous show called Lucky Louie on HBO. It has horrible cussing and the sexual overtones are so overtoned, they aren't even overtones, they are just sexual. But the show is hilarious. The thinking patterns of the main character are so stereotypical of a man it's just wrong. The stuff he says, the things he does and then bam, he's sweet. It's so man man stuff. It's like me man, me ape, me funny. So I watched a show with my husband, it comes on Sunday nights before Entourage.....and in the show we watched, he called his wife a pretty bad name. I won't even say it here, won't give it credence even though when he said it, I died laughing. Maybe it's his deliverance. I"m not sure. The show is so Archie Bunker, it's done live and the set is so barebones, it's almost like a cult show or something. I digress, so he calls his wife this name and then he goes bazerk with the name calling, takes it to the next level and she just walks out of the room calmly. Then he goes, uh oh, maybe I shouldn't have called her that (ya think?). So we're discussing this show this morning before the boys get up and I say to him, "Do men THINK like that?" to which he threw back his head and LAUGHED. I guess they do! I mean, he would never call ME that name but maybe just maybe he's been calling it to me in his head! That's ok. Minner can vouch for the words I call him in my head ALL the time.....

payback..... Don't men know they should never get into those kinds of conversations with women? I mean, it's a lose lose situation. Poor thing, he admitted nothing to me but he admitted everything to me. Without words. Lucky Louie huh? We'll just see about that.....

Why Lucas was special

So many reasons. He was this strong little boy who went head first he knew nothing of. He had no idea what was coming. Maybe that was best. Neither did we (know what was coming). We thought we did; but there was this sharp fork in the road we could not see. It was a hard left turn. The kind where you spin helplessly out of control and end up on an embankment with your head between your knees while your car is turned up on it's side. When the wind gets knocked out of you and you can't breathe for awhile? That kind of out of control spinning crashing landing.

When I look back and remember my time with him, I remember certain things vividly. I have talked about them over and over again. Please know, the curse of having lost a child is the constant running in your head. It spills out here now and again. The frustration of the legal battle only magnifies everything to the fullest. That is the understatements of all understatements.

I remember going on this tangent of wanting to be the best cook ever when he was tiny. I didn't have enough on my plate, I suddenly wanted to be Rachel Ray number 2. I would scour her cookbook (the only one I have) and pick certain recipes and go to town. I would be cooking while holding him and he'd fall asleep on my shoulder as I moved around the kitchen talking to him, cooking, and checking on the oldest from time to time. He loved being close to me, on my shoulder, I can't imagine for the life of me why, it's not like a shoulder is cushy. But I'm so glad. It's one of the fondest memories I have. The countless countless times he did that. Day or night, nap or regular bedtime, falling asleep on my shoulder. Neither of my other boys have done that. Just him. The littlest will now rest his head on my shoulder from time to time but mostly, not and mostly he's so very active, it doesn't last for long and he's moving on to the next thing, no time for rest. I remember when he died and we got back home from Philadelphia, my husband I and walked through the door and we let it out. Crying, screaming, more crying, hugging, on our knees, gut wrenching pour your guts on the floor, pain. The most intense, bar none, bar NONE pain I've ever felt EVER was that day. The day he died, not good. The next day, worse, walking into our house without him, knowing it would always be without him, it was hell. Lower than low. And I just sat in the recliner chair downstairs and rocked and rocked holding the air, as if he were in it, and pretending, and I would have gotten an Oscar I know, pretending he was on my shoulder. Falling asleep. I sang the song. I rocked. I cried. I often wonder, what I more could have done to ensure my heart was torn out. It was like I needed to torture myself. And I couldn't stop.

To this day, I remember that. I remember my friend Dixie always wanting to take him and rock him. And he let her. I don't even think the littlest lets her do that now. He's too busy, off and going. Or he just wants his Mamma. Not that Lucas didn't. But he let her; you know? There was something so serene and special about him. I don't know. Can a child be born and know what is coming? Born with a purpose? There is a book that coincidentally, Dixie gave to the oldest recently when the littlest was baptized. It is called, Made for a Purpose. A child's book. We have read it twice. It so hits home. He gets it. I get it. The message is clear but you can read between the lines and get so much more. Since I've been there, to hell and back, I easily read between ALL lines and I see the message much more clearly than others might. So he was born with a purpose, made for a purpose but did he know it? I often wonder.

The day of the funeral, it was hard. My Dad tried to get me to leave the graveside after everyone left. I wasn't ready. He was trying to help. I wanted to rip everyone apart. Not his fault. Not my fault. I wanted to never leave there. I was so angry, I remember being so so angry and maybe it was aimed at God that day. That's ok, He can take it, right? I'm being really honest here. I remember the day, yet I don't. The last time I looked at pictures from that day, I say out loud, who was that? And that? I dont' remember that. That person was there? I had no idea. Just none. Are you kidding me? That happened and I was there? Surreal. The whole experience was surreal. It was an event and a life experience that marked me and changed me in ways I can never explain.

Fast forward to now. We were in the pool tonight and I was floating around looking at the stars. Thinking, wishing, and praying for peace. Where is he? Nearby? Far away? Is he looking down on us or is he right here with us or really, is it both? One day we'll know but by then, we won't be able to express it here on Earth. It's crazy isn't it? It's like life everlasting doesn't come full circle and we dont' get the full knowledge till we're at the next place. Heaven. Or wherever our next place is depending on what we believe; for me, it's Heaven. For Lucas, it's Heaven.

Each child born to this world is special in his own right. All for different reasons they hold these qualities. Sadly sometimes they remain unseen, untouched, and unencouraged by others. But give them the light and the love and they bloom and grow. I hope to God I gave that to Lucas because although he didn't get to bloom and grow like the oldest and the littlest, it let him know how much he was loved. And let me tell you, if he was here right now, even though he would almost be four years old, with the knowledge I have today, I'd still be rocking him right now. You couldn't stop me with ten thousand men. That you can bet your life on.

Lucas' Mom.

He is Seven

And with the blink of an eye, my oldest now turns seven. I pay closer attention to him now I think, than I ever have in the past. He makes me laugh and in the next breath, he sends me way over the rainbow. But mostly, I beam with pride. In this picture, there are friends (and a cousin) from way back and new friends. All of them he cherishs in different ways and for different reasons.

Smart. Impish. Sentimental. Sensitive. Joker.
That's my boy.

Jenn

Borrowing a thought

“A gentleman is not born, he is raised. It is entirely too much effort to try to make a gentleman out of a man. It had to be done when he is a boy. His character must be formed."

“Character isn’t an inherited trait, and the boys will not simply absorb a good character from observing us. They will build it daily by the way they behave, by how they will think, and everything that they will think, every thing that they will do, will build their character. We must fill their minds with joy, love, and wisdom, and let their minds roam free. If we let anger, fear, and hate take possession of their minds, those qualities will become their cages.”


I completely took this from another blog site I visited. I did not make it up but I wholeheartedly believe in it. A father said it of his sons. I too agree. Almost scarily so.

A great thought for the day. We shape them. We mold them. It is up to us what kind of men they will become. Will soceity appreciate them? I think they will. Very much.

--J

Flurries

I am having flurries of thoughts. Emotions. Settled, unsettled, very unsettled. It's hard to talk about. Even my sister had to pull it out of me. I'd rather not discuss it yet it's eating me up. I wish I could be completely totally 100% free to say what I want to, need to, really need to. Some others like Rob for example, he can and does say it all. Worries about not many ramifications. I'm just not in that position.

Can you give up but not really give up? And seriously, where I live it's snowing. They're calling for one foot of it by tonight....a foot of what? Snow? Yeah, it's getting deep in here. The thoughts that are flying through my head and the balance I/we have to keep up to maintain a normal life, happiness for the boys, it's a very intense mixture and it tires you. Sometimes I worry that it's all a show, all a front and one day it will all come tumbling down. Would serve me right. I'm not lying to anyone (well about the snow maybe) its not like that. I think the fact that I can't say it all, means I can't continue on a healthy path of grieving. Same for my husband times ten.

And today....the winds will be at 20-30 mph with gusts up to 40 at times. Hold on to your hats ladies and gentlemen, it's going to be a bumpy ride. This, I can promise, and it's coming like a freight train.

(on another note, I'll be looking into the rescue cat farm for our cat, that is weighing heavily on my mind too and I'm feeling lots of guilt about it. stay tuned for that outcome. I myself am not even sure how it will play out. I've been avoiding the topic in my mind but knowing I can't avoid it for long.----)

signing off for now and looking for better days ahead...

Jenn
A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer. That is me.

Twilight Zone

There's a man on the wing of this plane!

Ze plane Ze plane!

Is there a man on the wing of this plane?

I think there is. Houston we have a problem. Irreversible problem.

---J

Pour

It is bout to pour arond here, dark skies and loud thunder.. Let it rain I say. Goes right along with my mood.

Maybe after the sun will shine and it'll be a new day.

Argh Matey.

The littlest has this little spidey outfit on. A diaper cover with spideys webs and two huge eyes on his butt and a spider man and friends shirt on. I'll take a picture of his bum. Too cute. Now that makes me smile.

Jenn

What the truck?

I'm in a foul mood so watch out. This morning alone, and it didn't dawn on me till the third truck, I got stuck behind these obscenely slow trucks. Not just regular trucks. Rigs. Two rigs and a moving truck. Huge, slow, insanely loud trucks. By the time I got stuck behind the third one, it dawned on me that I was being tested. By the forces of evil. Or on the extreme other side of it, by God. Possibly being tested by my own impatience. How can my own level or lack thereof level of patience test me? I don't know. All I know is, prior to my realization of the fact that this was the third truck I was waiting on, sitting still in a street for a period of 3-4 minutes or so, I was fine, being patient, having a bad morning but a patient bad morning. As soon as (and the millisecond of it) I realized that this was the THIRD truck I was stuck behind while he finagled this way and that and hogged the road because he could and screw everyone else, I became livid. Poor guy. The honking ensued and I started with the hands waving in the air (and to this I'm sure he was thinking I was a maniac woman, and who really could blame him). Move Move Move!! I said. Get out of the way I'm tired of waiting on you people (when the you people phrase comes out, start ducking)!!

The forces of nature. What are they called? When you think everyone and everything is against you no matter what? Poor you? Pitiful you? Then than Anna Nalick song comes on, "Breathe" and a huge white/beige butterfly flutters by my windsheild and the tears come. They were just waiting you know. Waiting for their cue. Then I started thinking of my cat and how we might truly have to give her away. Is it the right thing to do? She has been part of our family for so long but we can't have her defacating and urinating on our carpets every night, we have the littlest all over the place and crawling and walking and playing and the carpets, we clean them up but really, it has gone through to the padding and I think she is sad the cat and I'm not sure what the right thing to do is and then I think of my friend Kelly who would never ever have given Liberty up and maybe the right thing to do is just keep Simba and not give her away and then I turn down a street called Liberty Street right when I'm having that line of thinking and I start to cry again because I'm sure it's a sign that we should keep the cat--right? Never mind the run on sentence but I have only an ounce of sanity helping keep me afloat right now.

The oldest is off to tennis and gotta get the cupcakes and get to work and theres so much to do at work, so much. Let me stop. If I was a tea kettle, I'd be screaming right now. Like a choo choo train flying down the tracks, I'd be screaming. You know what I'd be screaming? I'd be screaming, "What the truck?"

(big fat big dramatic fat sigh)

Jenn

Walk in my shoes

You know what? I feel like complaining. If you don't want to read it, go ahead and close the window now. I'm giving you plenty of warning. Not only complaining but venting. I need to get it off my chest and so if you aren't in the mood for me or my rantings about the immense sadness I feel day in and day out then go ahead, hit the X now.

Why is everything so hard? Not only did our son die but I feel that we have had to suffer beyond his death. To know that he shouldn't have died and to be made to feel time and time again that we are just to accept it is very frustrating. To the 12th hour, here we are, hoping against hope, wishing against wishes, that for once, just once, someone would help us and take up Lucas' cause. We know that he should not have died. Do you know how insane it is for me to think that he would be 3 1/2 years old right now, running around this place like he owns it (and rightly so) but I can't see him in the thought, I can only imagine a vision of a child who I have no idea what he might look like. And he's my son. I'm only 36 years old and I have a son who is dead. That is such a foreign thought to me. Yes why is it? It's been our reality for almost three years and it still rains on me like golf ball sized hail. It still stings horribly.

I look at my husband and we are both reaching, stretching to make it all make sense in our heads. Right now this very minute. I am afraid that one day soon, there will be an explosion I cannot control. And truly, there will be millions of bits of figurative shrapnel falling all over my head and his head. I'm sure it will try to rip us apart. I cannot possibly explain to you the feelings I get when he brings certain things up about Lucas. My insides turn all over themselves. My toes dig in to the ground. A wall goes up. I can hear it shreiking as it flies up. My ears get hot and I'm sure, but I've never looked in the mirror, they get flaming red. I don't want to, can't, talk about it. If the oldest is around, I use it as an excuse to not talk about it at that moment and hope against hope he forgets for later. Not now I'm saying in my head, not now. If not now, when? If not then, when? I have been to a therapist. I think she helped me. But we only got to a certain level. I would not allow further delving. Who knows what she thought, I don't know and I can't control that. I think she helped me get to a stable place where I could show society a certain game face. I have a good game face.

These past two to three weeks, my game face has been good. I don't even want to talk about it. Talk about him. Lucas. How he died. Why he died. Why we can't seem to get things legally to where we need them to be. I can't let it die, I can't let go. Not till it's all done. And it's not done. Not by a long shot. For my husband, I pray it's not over. He needs this for his sanity. He needs some closure. I believe he has not grieved; truly grieved. I have only halfway allowed myself to feel what I need to. I push away what I can not deal with. I have perfected the art.

One day this will all make sense, I have said this before. Right now it's senseless. Right now, my memory of that sweet little boy who used to fall asleep on my shoulder night after night and for many of his naps, is just that. How fair is that? Oh, that's right. Life's not fair. Gotcha.

I'm done now. Pissed. But done.

-J

Lucky

I just had a thought. I'm so lucky. I'm being facetious here, a little tongue in cheek if you know what I mean, but I'm so LUCKY I get to be me. I am. I mean now I'm not being sarcastic but I was a second ago.

Me. The wonderful me. The me everyone knows and loves (well some people anyway). The funny, bantering, serious, then silly, too reflective, too rebellious, sardonic me. The big me. The nothing little about me. The me that when my honey says, "You look nice today" I know he means it but in MY head, I hear it like this, "Your hair looks nice, your face looks nice (but nothing else)" I get to be the size I am. I get to. How lucky am I? Very!

I am me, short, sort of round, very full all over, very boisterous, me. I am what I was meant to be. And that's the thing I struggle with. Was I meant to be this way? Is this the best life I can live? I think so but I'm not sure. Society tells me no, I need to be thinner, visually it's more appealing and medically, I'll live longer. I get that, and it makes sense on some level. HOWEVER if I allow myself to really analyze the information (and really, go figure that I would do that!) really who are 'they'? And is it really true that there are plus size 'people' who are just exactly as healthy and in some cases healthier than others who are thinner? Am I letting myself fall into a trap by even allowing my brain to go there? I will tell you that I go through most of days by refusing to look in mirrors. Sometimes I don't really want to see myself and sometimes I think I look great and don't need to see myself; it depends on the day and my mood. I honestly think both things. Not at the same time, but independantly, no bi polarism here thankyouverymuch.

If I can accept me *at least until the next time I deem I need to get off my bummy and do something about it* then can you? Can society? Can my family? Can my friends? I don't know! I do have a lot to offer to this world and would it be such a horrible thing if I was ok with myself the way I was and not just because I'm too lazy to do anything about it but because I (scary thought maybe) really am ok with who I am? I think I'm afraid to let that be known because then others might think something was wrong with me for accepting or settling. But the truth is I'm tired of fighting the war. I'm tired of battling mentally up and down up and down.

This week promises to be extrememly busy at work and too much high energy needed to let this linger on my mind. The oldest's birthday is coming and that brings much to do as well. I need to be organized and on top of all of it. Everything. And tennis lessons start again tomorrow. I do NOT have time to wallow in any of this crap. So, pick up the skirt tails and Vote for Pedro!

I AM lucky. To be alive!

Jenn

Beautiful Skies

I've been meaning to post this for about a week and a half now. One of those crazy nights when we were getting so many storms my husband went out front and was watching the skies as the storm blew by. I went outside and thought it was such an awesome show, I ran to get the camera. I couldn't really properly capture the lightening because it was so quick but one of the shots showed the sky in the distance lit up nicely.

I think it's beautiful. God's grace. Simple beauty.

Jenn

Where's the beef?

The funny thing with him is that he'll try most anything but if he doesn't like it, he doesn't like it. He is into chewing things and then spitting them out OR eating and then gagging himself to make himself throw up. I think it's mostly behavioral in that he has learned that gagging and/or making it come back up gets him more attention (and he DOES get plenty of attention). So I've taken to trying to ignore when he gags himself (just last night while I was preparing his dinner, he sat in his chair sticking his finger down the side back of his throat and he saw that I was turning around in alarm and he'd do it again. SO I forced myself to turn my back to him and not turn around when he made the noise and finally, he stopped. You know, it's the old, you tell them "NO NO NO" and they want to do it more. Maybe ignore it and it'll go away, that way he's not getting anything out of it? I don't know.

Growing too fast. Whizzing by. He actually liked the shish kabob. He kept wanting to take bites of that meat. I thought it was funny. Yes, he has teeth, but oh MY. I can't keep up.

--J

Want a banana?

So obviously I have forgotten a few things about little babies. Like they'll put ANYTHING in their mouth if you aren't looking or even if you are looking.

I am fine with letting him walk about and have some freedom. I don't like to keep him cooped up in the "safe zone" that we have basically created in the living room. He quickly came to understand that if he was put in there, he was being blocked off from us. So I leave him open to the house, try to get things done as I can, and scutttle after him mostly. Can't turn your back not for a second. Nope.

If you do, your little bambino might just find a banana laying somewhere it's not supposed to be (courtesy of the bigger bambino) and he might just pick it up and take a bite out of it, skin and all. And the mamma might find it say much later when the bite has turned brown and it's obvious someone ingested it since there are no banana chunks laying around anywhere.....

High alert everyone, the baby has officially arrived and life as we know has officially changed! :)

smiling big-
Jenn

Buffalo's heart.

When two buffalo fight, it's only the grass that gets hurt. Think about that for awhile, the next time you are fighting with your spouse, brother, sister, mother etc. Hurting everyone around you, not each other. If you're a buffalo, it's hard to get hurt.

Remember, to handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart. A buffalo's heart must be very strong; no?

I'm ok, really I am.

Jenn

4th of July

So our neighbors seem to be getting a bit more sophisticated about the firework thing. We don't have to go anywhere. My husband and oldest son are in the pool watching it all, I'm in here getting ready for tomorrow because I'm anal like that. I hear them and peek out every now and then and MAN they are LOUD. Pretty too. I feel like I'm at a place. But I'm just at home.

The year when the 4th hits on a Friday again, we'll have a party and start it around say 4:00. We can all sit back on the deck and watch the show. No traffic. No fighting with the other cars for the best spot in line.

I do have one question; isn't this stuff illegal in this state unless you are a professional firework 'put'er 'on'er? I'm just sayin.

signed-
stick in the mud

(really, it's all good. I'm just teasing. Well maybe just a little. It's so LOUD. someone's gonna get HURT out there.)

Happy Independance Day America!

Ruptured Ear Drum

Sounds bad no? The baby's ear drum ruptured today. That's how bad his ear infection was.

He's on an antibiotic and ear drop antibiotics. Carrying a fever again after a day of not doing so. Did ok at daycare today but I guiltily feel I should have stayed home with him today.

Wow. I've just never seen that stuff coming out of anyone's ears. It's not even like wax. It's like a gross rubbery dry substance after it dries. Poor baby. He'll be on the mend soon. If I have anything to say about it; he will.

I'm changing Pediatricians. Time for a change.

Jenn

Been thinking (watch out)

I was thinking, life is short once you finally get what it's all about. First you are young, teenager, think you know it all, and are immature (but don't think you are). Then you go off to school (well sometimes, not in my case) and again, think you know everything but are still getting things handed to you left and right because you are still a dependant. You have no idea what the real world is all about, but you think you do. You think you have a good handle on it. That's what you thought.

Then you graduate and it hits you. Life. Reality. Responsibility. Moving out on your own. Your own apartment, your first house. Bills. Your bills. Repairing things. Cars breaking down. Unexpected bills you did not count on. Falling in love. Getting your heart broken or getting married. It's all big stuff. It's what life is made of. But you have no idea when you are not grown up. Your body can be grown up but you are not grown up. And the scary thing is, some people in this world NEVER grow up. And they don't know it. They are grown adults, working, paying bills, owning homes, having kids, but never grew up. Worse than kids at heart, it's more than that. It's a selfish streak. Pouring money into more debt watching it fly out the window. For those people it will never click. They probably will never get it.

Usually it just takes one event; one life event to knock it all into place for someone. After that, you just get it. Doesn't even have to be a horrible experience. Can just be a big one. Something that matters.

Life is short once you figure it out. Because the moment it all comes together, suddenly it starts flying by. Fast forward. Who pushed that button? Take one guess.

--J

The Schkimmy

So today this is what I've done with only about 5 hours of sleep under my belt:

1. Called to the baby's Pediatrician to find out if I can take him somewhere besides the ER where they could look him over; his ears in particular. He is sick! Sudden fever after days of junky congestion and irritability I could not soothe.
2. Turns out in our area, there are not many "Urgent Cares" that take our insurance (don't get me started). They sent me to one one city over (not too far) and we arrived only to find they do not take children under six. Nice. Maybe someone could have told me that PRE packing up the crying baby and hauling him there?
3. I call my hubby (poor thing it's SO not his fault but he did get the brunt of my anger because when I tried to call the local program that houses the Nurses you can get on the phone, it wouldn't take my call because it thought my cell phone was calling from a city one hour away and it told me under no uncertain terms it would not take my call becauase this program was only for those living in XYZ cities. We live in Z city and even though we fall under the auspices of that, it thought I was calling from PDQ city. UGH. Hence my husband had to call them from our home number, find out if there was ANOTHER local Urgent Care without driving to the one 40 minutes away. By the time he called me back with the info, I was pulling in the driveway. OMG.
4. He then tells me that I have to drive to the city that is 40 minutes away and have no choice. I call that place and they're all, "why drive here, just drive to the one right down your street" Again, OMG. Numb brains. I tell you.
5. Lo and behold there is one literally right down the street I never knew of. We go there. The littlest has an ear infection in his left ear; bad. That whole experience took two hours. Not complaining, just saying. What did I expect? I had no appt. Yes I know, I had no appt. But here with a crying baby one moment, a babbling baby another moment, a baby who wanted to walk, no not walk, mamma hold me, what's in here, no mamma come get me... blah blah blah I was about to go out of my MIND in that small very plain, nothing to do, no magazines to read, no books to read, no toys, no paintings on the wall, no circulating AIR, very small room. Out of my mind. I even went out and probably irritatingly asked the nurse, do you know how LONG it's going to be as he wailed to the high heavens. I picked the right moment you know. Used it to my advantage. ;<)
6. Left that place after all was said and done, dropped the prescription off to WalMart, tried to wait the alloted time for it to be filled, had about 5-7 minutes to go till it was supposed to be done, and I'm at the window and they tell me they don't have the medicine. Could you maybe have told me that PRE walking around this God Forsaken place waiting for this medicine? By then I'm beyond starving, out of my mind tired, and the baby is so calm. I think he was so tired, he was in another zone. I'm thinking, I am NOT driving to that other city and getting the medicine there. Call in the troops. My honey would do it. I leave and the woman behind the counter tells me, we'll call it over for you, it should be waiting by the time you get there.
7. My honey goes to get it about three hours later (don't ask).
8. It's not ready. They are clueless to the fact they were supposed to be filling it there. Lets just say we didn't have to pay for that medicine after I got off the phone with the originating pharmacy. :)
9. Had to console a poor little boy who got run over by his big brother both trying to get in the pantry. Aforementioned poor little boy was walking in first, older brother wanted to BE first, and BAM! The baby slammed forward and his head bounced off the floor. More nice.

I am bone dead tired. He is bone dead tired. My day is almost over. I should just eat a dinner and go to bed. I think I might have a long night ahead.

Signing off ---

Jenn