Peace

The oldest and I took some time this morning and went to the cemetary. I promise, this will not be a downer post. Just insightful maybe. I brought a yard stake that has the word PEACE in iron on the top with a white butterfly sodered to it. We placed it in the perfect spot and we opened his large oval locket picture and cleaned off his marker. Sweet baby. The oldest bent down and lowered his head, putting his hands together to say a quiet prayer. Again; another moment of pride for me. I quietly shed my tears above him and said my own prayers. He asked me as we were on our way back to the car, "Mom do you remember when you told me Lucas died?" "Yes" I said. "The next thing I said is, ok can we go get lunch now?" he said. And yes that is true. That is what he said when we told him his brother died. But he was only three. I didn't expect any profound show of emotions or words. He now can look back and realize on his own, completely unprompted by me, that seemed not the right thing to say at that moment. I thought it was the perfect thing to say. Perfect for a toddler. We looked at each other and panicked for a moment, did he not hear us? He did. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. We went off to lunch. What else could we do?

Peace. I said to my friend today, is it my own peace? Is it peace for Lucas? What does that stake signify? He was at peace the moment he went to Heaven. Now it's time for me to find that same peace. Almost three years later, after his death, I need to find it.

In small ways it comes to me. I let it. I vent to those who can withstand hearing what is on my heart and even then, I know they tire of it.

One day, I will really convey all that happened with Lucas to the oldest. He knows a little. But not everything. Right now, he gets appropriately sad. It's good to let it out. We let him. He is wise for a six year old. And it's so funny isn't it? That in his years of being on this Earth, I have aged and gained such wisdom that is far older than those same years. I used to be SO carefree. SO silly. So laid back, sarcastic, fun, let loose, and open minded. My mind is closed to some extent. I know what I know. I feel what I feel. I think what I think. It's pretty hard and fast now.

I look around and see things and form instant opinions. It takes a lot for me to sway it a little. My love for my two boys is now exponential to what I even could fathom back then. This family of four is THE most important thing to me; ever. Ever. More than before. And before it was pretty important.

So let the peace come. I will attempt to open my mind, let go of some of the guilt that I know I should not feel but inevitably do. I will pray for the peace. I know it will help. I am just to give in to it; no? I'm told it's easy. .........I'm sure it is. No sarcasim intended. My mind will just have to open lines of communication to my heart for it's my heart that inexplicably holds me back. Wants me to never let him go. The mystery is being ok with letting him go but never letting him go.

Peace.

Walking...

So you know the oldest has been walking; more at home than anything where he is completely comfortable etc. Lately he has been branching out and getting braver. Doing it other places (daycare etc). This week it has all come together. He is walking well and in the past day or two, has become fairly proficient. Today was such fun watching him. He no longer wants to be "in" anything, not the playpen where he can safely play and walk around, not a excersaucer, nothing. He now doesn't even want his brother to pick him up and put him anywhere (ie redirect him from getting hurt). Oh he gets mad. I think I have another independent boy on my hands. I wouldn't want it any other way; whatever he will be, he will just be. And that to me, is perfectly how it should be.

He moves around fairly quickly now and we have made a safe zone for him in the living room. He doesnt' seem to mind being boxed in (yet) and he gets to be independent. I know that he is keeping up with his big brother and that probably has a lot to do with his endeavoring to walk so soon. He really showed signs of interest in walking at nine months and it grew from there, walking with our help etc and now he's literally off and running. It all happened so fast and now I sit and watch him and smile.

Walking. Then talking. Then it all begins to whiz by; no? This is a time to cherish. I will do that. You know I will.

Rain

The rain in Spain is quite a pain.

I do not live in Spain, I live on a plain.

It's quite a shame. I'm not to blame.

The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.

-Fair Lady I am not. ;<)

If it rains here one more day I'm sure to fall into a pit of oblivion. When will it stop?

First drought like conditions then flood like conditions in one fell swoop.

The rain in Spain.....

Poor oldest, he said to me today, "Mom why does it have to rain every single day in the summer?" It seems like every time we go out, it's pouring pouring pouring. I'm told the rain will pass. God is watering the grass. Punchy is not the word. Try exhausted. When you get this tired, loopiness comes with the territory.

--J

Remember?

Remember the other day when I told you about the gardening I had done? Well that morning, my husband made a boo boo. The baby was sleeping in his crib. I was outside planting and having the most joyous fun of my life. He was working in the garage with the oldest by his side. I kept looking up as sweat was stinging my eyes and asking him if he had checked on the baby. He was irritated that I would suggest he wasn't (and he wasn't). He kept saying we could hear him if he woke up. HUH? He thought we could hear him outside if he woke up inside. Men. So probably after my tenth time asking if the baby was ok (really I could've come in to check on him or go get the monitor myself but I was kind of pushing him to take control there) he did a really smart thing (not). He simply opened the back door that leads to the garage and opens into the laundry room. In other words, he thought because he opened the door he could then more easily hear the baby inside? On the monitor from inside? Please everyone with me, roll your eyes. So I continued to say "You need to get the monitor you are letting flys in the house by leaving that door open." Oh he was so irritated with me. Couldn't I see he was busy?

He finally closed the door and went inside and got the monitor to bring outside. Hello? Thankyouverymuch. Needless to say that door was open to the outdoors for about ten minutes. Just long enough to let tons of flies in the house. I kept seeing them fleetingly in the house here and there since that time. I think at first I thought it was the same one or two; maybe I was too busy to notice.

If you know me, really know me, you then know how very much I hate flys. With a passion. They carry disease. They cause colds, they are filthy and they cause hand mouth foot as well. They are the most absolutely disgusting things alive. I cannot stand them. Cannot. If one is in the house, I usually get really irritated which is why I think I just wasn't focused on the fact that I've been seeing here and there this fly.

It wasn't until last night that I noticed, several flies on the ceiling in our living room. Imagine panic. Imagine anger pointed directly at my poor defenseless husband. He had no defense. He could say nothing. He knew it was on. I was livid. I did think it was very strange that these flies were hanging upside down on a ceiling. I can't say I've ever seen that before. Honestly, I thought maybe it was colder in the house than they liked and maybe their metabolism was slowing down? Sometimes I scare myself with the stuff I think of.

Well this morning, when we came downstairs, we were greeted with cat poop on the carpet and I could have killed that cat but of course, I refrained. And no, I have not yet taken her to the vet and I'm feeling guilty about that. I will soon. Friday is my first day with just me and the oldest for any length of time so maybe then....back to my story.....we were also greeted warmly with no less than 25 flies. Suddenly they had come out of hiding from wherever they were and showed their little buzzy butts all at one time. I went ballistic. Poor husband. Poor oldest. Poor littlest. Poor poor them. Poor flies. At this point, I have killed all but one or two and their time is coming fast. I can't seem to get them. I have been going around the downstairs with Clorox Anywhere stuff and papertowels and have gone through four magazines rolled up and two newspaper rolls. Livid does not do justice the feeling I had when I saw them all buzzing and hitting each other in the air.....disgusting.

D I S G U S T I N G.

I told my honey if he ever did anything that smart again, I'd be done. Done. Now watch, we will all get sick. Well, the littlest is already sick with a cold but the rest of us? We're done. Go ahead and start taking the Airborne if you ask me. And maybe we will. Damn those flies.

Ok. All done now. All better. Now back on the hunt. Two more left that I can see. If I see any more, there's something freaky going on around here. I imagine some little man coming in the house and letting loose a bucket of flies while we were away or sleeping. I know. I'm nuts.

Jenn

Tender

Sometimes you have to walk softly. Sometimes even when you are the one making the sacrifice you keep quiet. Then there are the times you just cannot keep quiet; when it matters too much. And you have to stand your ground. Feelings get hurt, maybe even your own. You cry, you pout the whole day. Then you move on.

The oldest calls it 'tender'. He has this phrase that he's been using lately. He'll just say it. "Tender". It's funny, in his mind, I'm not quite sure what it means, maybe it's akin to 'sweet'.

I'm rambling. I totally am. I try. I do my best. What else can I do? In my world, I have to be in control of a little bit. I've talked about this before, I've said it all before. I'm not in control of much but the things I can, I will. I'm walking softly. I could go splashing hard. I could. I don't.

I don't.

A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer. That is me.

Maggie Moo's

So let me tell you about Maggie Moo's. On my screen now she is blinking her eyes. I'm not sure if you can see it. Don't let it distract you. It's completely distracting me.

Tamika once said (a long time ago) that Cold Stone Creamery had the double beast bomb ice cream flavor called Birthday Remix or something like that. She probably doesn't know it but she goaded me into going to get some; you know, try it out when no one was looking....it was just ok for me. Not the best but ok. It has actual crumbles of cake in it if I recall and maybe the cake in mine was a bit stale or maybe it was so frozen, it just tasted stale but regardless, it didn't rock my world. Flash forward to last night. OH MY. You have GOT to find the closest Maggie Moo's and try this flavor I'm about to tell you about. Kelly, you and I will go there after lunch and eat this flavor. It's called Better Batter. Now, they can put all kinds of stuff in there, sprinkles, white chocolate bits, nuts, strawberries, lemon peel (well maybe not that but you get the idea) etc etc. I chose nothing. The guy behind the counter was like, "uh, that's all?" Yep, that's all. Just the better batter icecream in a waffle bowl. I'm sure that was one million and seven calories just like it was sans the other stuff....

Can I TELL you? When you are making a cake at home, do you ever taste the batter? Well, of course you do. We all do. Don't even lie, you know you do. If you don't, I mean, if you really truly don't, then you are a freak. Sorry, not to be mean but I cannot be the only human being who licks the bowl with a spoon or my finger God forbid. Ok ok ok so the ice cream has just that in it. The batter. It isn't baked, no crumbles, just the flavor of a normal cake batter. Maybe that doesn't sound yummy to you but it tastes so good. I LOVE Vanilla Bean. Any brand, any flavor, if it's vanilla bean, I'm there. This was better than any vanilla bean I've ever had bar none.

Sorry Tamm, in my book, Maggie Moo's wins out. Now I've not tasted all zillion of each of their flavors so I can't really do an official comparison but based soley on my cake flavor experiences, hands down, it's the double M. See that's part of the problem in these places, you get too overwhelmed. Too many flavors. I feel inadequate somehow standing there getting ready to order. What to chose? What to put on it? And the line behind me? They're probably thinking, 'come on chose already' (well maybe not but probably). And when the guy says, "uh that's all?" that makes you feel like you just ordered something wrong, OMG I did it all wrong how SHOULD I have done it?

The boys got the cotton candy flavor and their tongues and lips turned blue. And we saw who my honey thinks was Aaron Neville and that is a whole nother story, no doubt. We just had a great night. A nice dinner at home, went to walk around the water fountains, had ice cream, saw images of Aaron Neville, what more could you ask for? All of us enjoying the sweet summer night.

The best.

Gardening

My opinion? It's for the birds. Too much on your knees. I never sweat. I am plenty active, but just not prone to sweating that much. Time and again, yes. This morning as I did a small amount of yard work, I was sweating profusely. It was stinging my eyes! Now that is hard work.

The result is worth it. I'll take a picture and upload it. I planted Lantana (Ms. Huff) and Exacom (sp). The Exacom is a version of an Impatien type flower. Smells beautiful. Almost as aromatic as Gardenia (Doesn't smell like it but you know how strong a gardenia flower is? It's that strong) bush.

So now up by the mailbox we have flowers that will bloom all summer and will come back next year. I won't have to keep breaking my back. Work smart; not hard. :) Anyway, I finish up there, the littlest is still napping and the oldest wants my attention. All I wanted to do was go jump in the pool. And that's exactly what I did. The oldest was like 'huh?' and you didn't tell me you were going in there? He jumps in and next thing you know, we're swimming and having fun. Then the rain came and there was no thunder, no lightening, no threats. Kept swimming. It was glorious. I think the oldest thought I had lost my mind. Have you ever swam in the pouring rain? And the clouds were DARK. It passed soon enough then I vacummed the pool.

My muscles are crying right now. It's a good cry though. Now I venture to say if I had not tried my hand at a green thumb today, none of the rest of it would have happened.

That's my venture into the land of gardening. Not my thing. I like the result but OMG it's hard work. I'm a woos. I know. I so totally know. But hey, some people would rather be in the garden than make their own greeting cards. I'd rather make my own greeting cards than be in the garden. It's what makes the world go round.....

Totally.

Jenn

Adventures...

Being a parent is like saying goodbye to the same child over and over again. They keep changing right before your eyes. Who they change into helps to ease into the transition and moments you want to savor you try to cling to for as long as they’ll let you and that is key….for as long as they’ll let you. The new things they teach you, the new things you discover they are and can be help us not fret too long about how little they were, how sweet and innocent they were, or how the aforementioned intangible baby smell is gone forever…..

Maybe all the could be’s and would be’s are part of what gets me all hung up on having lost Lucas. This morning, Phil Collins was singing songs from the Tarzan play on the Today show. Of course, the very first song he sang was You’ll Be in My Heart. What you probably don’t know is that 2 days after Lucas passed away, we video’d the oldest singing that very song word for word (at the age of newly four by five weeks or so) to his brother. Have you ever heard it?

Come stop your crying-It will be all right-Just take my hand hold it tight -I will protect you from all around you-I will be here Don't you cry -For one so small,you seem so strong-My arms will hold you,keep you safe and warm-This bond between us Can't be broken-I will be here Don't you cry- 'Cause you'll be in my heart -Yes, you'll be in my heart -From this day on-Now and forever more --You'll be in my heart -No matter what they say -You'll be here in my heart, always ……….
When destiny calls you-You must be strong-I may not be with you-But you've got to hold on-They'll see in timeI know-We'll show them together -'Cause you'll be in my heart-Yes, you'll be in my heart-From this day on, Now and forever more Oh, you'll be in my heart No matter what they say You'll be in my heart, always Always


Yeah he sang it and we got it on tape. We actually included it on the dvd we had made to honor Lucas. Our very close friends John and Grace were there that night. I remember looking at Grace sitting sadly on the couch, she was crying silent tears. John was silent. None of us knew what to say. None of us could fathom it; that he was gone. It was a moment in time. One of those frozen moments in time I will never forget. I was so proud of the oldest for being so brave to sing that for his brother. He had just learned to read but he sang that song from memory. He loved (and still does) Tarzan. I was so proud of his brother for fighting so damn hard to live. I was proud of them both. So proud.

Do you see? Do you see how my conscious stream starts with one thing and it always always always comes back to Lucas? I feel that I cannot let him go. I think it gets better and it comes in waves up and down. I am a hidden tucked away insane person. A good friend told me the other day that I am like her, always finding ways to torture myself. Why can’t I let it go? Well of course, I’ll never let his memory go but you know what I mean. The guilt. The constant beating up of myself. I am so bruised. It hurts.

Is it twisted that having the littlest and having gotten to cherish the oldest for all that we have been through makes me hold so much more tightly the memory of their brother? This is why I’m so caught up in doing the best I can. It has all come from one thing and blossomed into so much more.

Today we were in the car and oh my I got an earful on this and that and the musings of my child….I do so watch him in a kind of standoffish amazement. Sometimes I really have to hold in the absolute gut wrenching laugh out LOUD laughs I have in me….he would NEVER take me seriously if he got that reaction out of me. Didn’t I KNOW? His favorite music is Latin (HUH?) and punk (HUH?) and hip hop (HUH?) and country (thank God) and jazz (EH?) and MOM you don’t actually think I only like ballerina music do you?? Wait a second I say, what IS ballerina music, do I make you LISTEN to ballerina music, and where have you ever HEARD ballerina music? He’s looking at me incredulously and just rolls his eyes. I’m SO uncool. I go back to ‘what IS ballerina music’ ??? Then “Unwritten” comes on and we both are just driving down the road belting it out together. He loves when we sing together. So do I. So do I. We bond. He and I have a relationship like no other. It really is the best. Today is really what got me to thinking about how children change and you never get to see what they were ever again. It’s a constant growth, moving forward and turning into a new person, you have to theoretically say goodbye to what once was. Keep your eyes open though because the new person is still there, right there, staring at you, waiting for new affirmation from you.

What once was old is now new. Ever changing, ever moving. If you don’t let your child take you on an adventure you will never go anywhere. At the lawn and garden shop today, out back before the raging rains came (literally) there were all these paths, flowers and plants and trees everywhere. He thought this was the most exciting thing ever. So many choices! Mom follow me. Mom come over here. Mom look at these awesome flowers. Mom mom mom! Over here. Mom take my hand lets go. And you know what? I just let him. I just followed him everywhere. Because you know what? I had a plan, I had an objective. We did not go there just so we could walk their hundreds of paths for fun (imagine that). I put my wants of finding a good ground cover plant that is perennial to the side….I would now do that later. Seeing his excitement at investigating and exploring was so much better. I went on his adventure and I had the best time.

This is life. This is the adventure. It’s worth the trials and tribulations. It’s worth the stress and go go go of the days. It just is.

Jenn

The intangible things in life...

Baby smells.............totally fabulous and totally intangible. What makes them SMELL like that? That baby smell they have? Sometimes the littlest will be fast asleep in my arms and I can not help myself, I bend down and just kiss him and smell him; take him in. It usually wakes him up. I have to start all over but it's totally worth it.

Baby kisses.........big open mouth leaning in to your face? The love that just pours out of you in response? Intangilbe. Can't touch it. Only feel it. See it.

Love it. Do you think they can bottle the smell of a baby? Seriously, what is it? I don't know but I love it. It completely and utterly can make my day.

Baby smell. Sigh.

--J

Somethings

There are some things I could easily write about. I chose not to. Tact. You know. I have an ounce or two of it.

There was this family we once knew. Boy was I dense. It really took me awhile to realize that situation was very bad. You would never know it at first glance (or second or third) but they were by all appearances, a normal, well to do family. Both parents had good jobs; one even a 'higher up' in City Government. That's the scary part. All kidding aside. That was the scary part. This persons manipulates and trys to get whatever she wants, uses her smarts to make it so. Gives the appearance she is a kind and caring person but really under the veil, she was very self concious, no self esteem, had no clue about parenting (and it showed big time, not just to me, to many many others) and kept track of all favors ever done for the other person. Her children were taking their toll on my child. Wild, ill mannered, mean, no listening skills whatsoever, off the hook, not their fault but bottom line, they were what they were. I had it. I cut ties completely. The mother did not get it. Was sad. Kept reaching out. Didn't understand (how could she, when you are that sick, you can't exactly see the chaos you live in, the chaos you breed) why I was 'walk away finished'. She previously had attempted to manipulate me about schools for my child, question why we wanted to move (she was one of the TOP reasons) etc. I tried. I even at one point was brutally honest with her about how people perceived her and her oldest child. I thought it my only option at that point. I was trying to help her but also I needed to get it off my chest. At that moment in time, we were really close to being at the end of our friendship but I still was making efforts. Again she didn't get it. Couldn't understand. There was some level of stalking between the husband and her with my husband and I. I finally had to say that the public wouldn't want to know what she was doing and then she got it. You see because of her position she didn't want anything negative said about her (although it would have all been 100% true). Finally she understood at that moment I suppose, that we really did not want anything to do with them. We had a circle of friends, other friends. We all called ourselves the Five Family Family. It all but dissolved at that point. Sadly, but necessarily. Very much so.

Now we are in the strangest of circumstances. She had a child approximately two months before I had the littlest. We now take our young babies to the same daycare. They are even in the same room. We put ourselves in this position so we have to deal with it. She has manipulated her way into the place our children go as it is supposed to be a place for employees of this facility only. She is not an employee of this facility. It makes me angrier than anything that knowing the history, knowing how she is (obsessive, manipulative, canniving), that she has been allowed to weasle her childs way into this supposed to be 'closed to open public' center. Regardless what can I do? I choose to bring my child there 2.5 days a week because I know he gets the best care (other than me) I can provide him. Those teachers love him like I do. And when I go off to work, that comforts me more than anything. Seriously. As overprotective as I am (and I really am) I know and believe they take excellent care of him, just as I do. So I suppose to that end, that other person deserves that for her child and that is really BIG of me. Because I really HATE that she is there.

What I have learned from this whole experience is that even now, almost two years later post the friendship I can accept. Even with anger. Even with knowledge. I can still accept. If I see either parent at the center, I don't let it scare me or go hide from them. I am indifferent.

Acceptance is a hard thing to learn. Give yourself enough time and gather up all the patience you have, and it will come. Maybe I need to apply this in other areas of my life as well; no?

Jenn

Glad..

Not sure what happened there but he is back just with a different URL. I'm glad he did not scare easy but I surely would have understood it.

I have so much on my mind; try me later, I hear a crying little boy just as I sat to type. Fighting bedtime.

Jenn

Sad

I have just witnessed a very mean horrible thing. I can't really believe it. I must have missed something. Suddenly it is done.

How is it that human beings have this huge capacity to be so horribly hateful at times? Where does it come from? I can't rationalize it. I can't figure it out. For all the money in the world, it really does escape me.

Maybe for the past year or so I've been off and on keeping up with this guy who had a blog. At first it was a journal type entry but not on blogger. Then he switched over to blogger. His main theme was often about his daughter. At times it was just his take on the world. I don't know him. Never met him. I'm not an avid follower/reader. Certainly didn't read every day but enough to kind of keep up from time to time. It seems that he hit a few hot button issues and was basically gang attacked on the Internet (if you can believe that) by this certain group of people. Now I will say that I did not always agree with what he said. There were a couple of times where I swore him off; what he said really got me going (not in a positive way). But I always got over myself because 1) it's his life and who am I to say how he should live it and 2) I don't even really KNOW him! This is the Internet and it does give you a false sense of knowing folks or thinking you do. I had never even so much as had an email conversation with him so I finally realized that I more enjoyed reading his entries when I had time to check in than ban him from my reading....

In this life you will not always agree with everyone. You can't even agree with your own spouse 100% of the time and that should be easier than anything. But tempers can run high, passion is always part of the equation and you are more honest with your significant other than anyone else on the planet so naturally, meaner things will be said between you (sadly but realistically, they will). Who are we as humans to think we can be so mean and so hateful, that we are ALLOWED to be so mean and hateful and have fun (obvious fun) while doing it? They actually threatened his daughter. And because he had previously (in many posts cumulatively) had divulged where he lived, for someone who so desired, they could easily make such a horriblel thing really happen. Threaten a little girl because they didn't like what her daddy did or said on a blog? Are you KIDDING me? So BAM. He turned off his entire blog. Not worth risking his daughters' safety which he dearly cares about and also, tired of hearing the crap from the awful group of people.

And now here I am devoting all this time talking about it; talking about someone I don't even know. But let me tell you, that is what makes this world go round. If I could talk to him, I would tell him that I think he did the right thing in the end and that I'm sorry people like that lashed out at him. And his little girl. I have a son that age. I know what it's like to be a very overprotective parent and do whatever to whomever it takes to ensure nothing happens to them. I get it. I totally get it. It's called kindness. You reach out to who you can even in little ways. You just do. God watches us. He knows. And when it's time to stand in front of him, you have to answer for what you have done. You will have to answer for your behavior. I truly believe that. Not only does that drive me, but I want to do kind things for others. It's a feeling that simply multiplies itself and upon itself. I'm not a perfect goody goody. No way. Not at all. But if one good deed precipitates another and then another, it sort of turns into who you are. You become that. These people, they are cruel and seemingly evil. It seems that is what drives them. What's sadder is that it's driven him right off his platform.

What is this world coming to? This I want to know....


Jenn

Huh?

Have you ever thought that one day it all just might make sense?

Oh wait, it can't, we don't have all the answers. There is always too much, too much to do, never any rest and on the days you DO rest the next day you are thinking what the heck was I DOING resting? I had this this and that to do.

Here come the birthdays. In our family and circle, it all starts in late May. All the way till November. Then there's Christmas. Get out your checkbooks and start writing. :)

Life is so wonderful. Yeah. It is. Whachoo talkin bout Wilis?

doh.

Jenn

What is WRONG with me?

I had tears in my eyes the whole way home from the bus stop. The oldest is sad that school is over for the year. Aren't most kids happy? He really does love school. I hope that part never changes for him. I'm sad because he's growing up. Well, happy, proud of course, but sad because my God time is flying. Before I know it the littlest will be in pre school and I'm not wishing it away but I wish just once, we could make time stop. Just freeze it. But if I couldn't do that when Lucas was alive, I suppose I can't do it now. (Big long dramatic sigh)

I threw myself into painting the cubby over the fireplace. It's done. Just like that. I then faux painted the pillars at the front door (they are short and more like a plant stand but look exactly like old Greek pillars). I keep staring at the very large pile of laundry on the dining room table though. That can stay there forever as far as I'm concerned. Seriously.

I am sad today. I know why. Couple of reasons. First grade is done. Second grade here we come. Another year gone by. I tried to cherish it the best I could. I hope I did it right. But more than that, tomorrow the littlest will be exactly as old as Lucas when he died. In fact, at 11:11 am he will have officially lived longer than Lucas. That is a strange marker. Why do I keep track of this kind of stuff? It's hard not to relive those moments. They still are as fresh as when they happened. Certain moments are yes, very real still. Should I be happy that the littlest lived longer than Lucas? Well, of course. Stupid question. Should I be sad? No. But why then am I? Someone commit me. I'm not smiling right now. I'm not joking.

Yesterday one of the Oldests old teacher approached me about some books I had loaned her because her son was having a hard time accepting the death of his Grandma. During the conversation, in which I tried to impart as much wisdom as I could about how children deal with death, she said to me, "I never told you this but Lucas touched me so much. I don't think you know how many people were touched by him, people you don't even know" Something about my strength I don't know what she said at that point because my mind was racing; try not to cry, what do I say, try not to cry, change the subject....but I thanked her. What was I thinking? Why would I thank her? So innappropriate, so inadequate....thank you for what? I guess I wanted her to know I appreciated the thought (very much) but didn't know how to properly convey it.

I don't want my life to always be about Lucas but it is. I don't want to always be on the verge of tears when happy things are happening. But I am. I didn't want him to die. But he did. I guess in this life we don't really ever get what we want do we? We think we want more money. We get it and no, that really wasn't what we wanted. We think we want the best of this and that, and no, that didn't make us happy either. Its a constant struggle. I think in this life we have to really know ourselves and know our own self worth and find value in that. Find the value in believing in a higher being; God. I guess no matter how sad I am, it could always be worse.

Tomorrow will be hard. I know it's strange and I acknowledge that. We feel what we feel. Can't change it. Not for all the money in the world. Can't change how we feel a bit. I know one thing. How I feel matters. At least to me.

Jenn

School's out!

Only two more half days and school is out. Hard to believe an entire school year has gone by just like that. A whole summer ahead of us. Days in the pool. Days in the sun. Parks, and trips here and there....I'm not even thinking about work. I'm thinking about the boys and fun. Love it!

:)

Jenn

Women

Weight.....constant struggle
Worry.....too much
Working.....too hard
Wonderful....aren't we all in some way?
Whimsical......again, we all are, sometimes you have to dig though, it's the whimsey that makes us fun.
Willful....I am
Wondering....is it ever good enough
Waiting.....always but for what?


Women. We encompass so much yet sometimes our views are so little. I know mine can be. I think the biggest thing I try to do is always be better. Always do better. What more can we ask of ourselves? What more can God ask? I don't know.

Jenn



A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer. That is me.

Again the Winds of Change

The winds of change are blowing. I can feel them kicking up the sand at my feet. It isn't an all out hurricane yet but the leaves are swirling in a spiral off in the distance and the sound is growing.....

The littlest--no longer can I lay this little bundle of joy down and walk away as he sleeps blissfully. Uh uh. No more. He has to be dead dog tired to just lay down and roll over now. As of late, it goes more like, 'I lay him down, he pops right up and stands there jumping in his crib, laughing or crying, whichever suits his fancy.' NOW it's ALL flooding back to me. NOW I remember. Nights of holding the oldest, rocking him down, having to hold his hand as he fell asleep, laying by his crib, whatever it took. I cannot cannot cannot bear to hear them cry for very much longer than one to two minutes. I know he's ok. I know he isn't crying from pain or hunger, nor dirty diaper. He just wants his mamma. It's all happening again. Were I a different person, this might not be an issue. But I'm not. I'm me. While I absolutely know that this time is precious and I wouldn't be anywhere else, I always have these pangs of guilt like I'm doing him a disservice. Somehow, I'm screwing him up to not be able to put himself to sleep later, as a toddler or young boy. But you know what? No. That isn't right either and I'm reasoning this through right now as I type. My oldest gets himself to sleep just fine. All those nights back then, when he was a baby in the crib, when I rocked him, held him, didn't let him cry, I think they paid off because now we are close close close and he's fairly well adjusted, no more or less than any other child....I didn't screw him up. Right? Right.

Not only the sleeping thing....it's the walking. It's the new foods, moving on from baby food, in a month or so, no more formula, moving on to whole milk. A new room at school (daycare). New people, new things, new sleep patterns, less naps, less formula how can I keep up? Too much change all at once. And the teeth that boy is cutting!

I am afraid I will not be doing it right. Something will be wrong. Why didn't I write all this stuff down?

He knows three signs. We have taught him (and they will be reinforcing in his new class) basic signs (sign language). It helps the babies communicate. It doesn't mean they are hearing impaired and it actually accentuates their ability to understand at a younger age verbal language. This is the age where their frustration gets the better of them because they want to express themselves and can't yet. He knows these signs, all done, more, and eat. So if I am feeding him and he's full or doesn't want more, he puts both hands in the air and sort of wave each at the same time. I say, "ok, good job littlest" and we're all done. I wrap it up, he's completely happy, and all is well. It's simply a mode of communication. It doesn't hurt (at all) that it is supposed to help their level of intelilect. That's a plus...

In about three to four weeks, all will have transitioned and this will all be for naught. Probably not a worry in sight (yeah right).

We'll see. This is my prediction....

Jenn

Crass, tasteless, stooping to their level-

Let me ask you this. Why in God's name do we have to see that terrorist they just killed with two 500 lb bombs? Why are they showing us his face in his death? Do we need to see it? No. Do our children who look at the newspapers need to see it? Who happen to be flipping through and maybe see a snippet on a news channel? No. It's horrible. Senseless. I get it. I get that it's good. I get that he was being hunted and he was a killer and led many people on a spiritual path to death and destruction on both sides of the fence. I get it all. Too much maybe. BUT are we not stooping to their level to show such things in our media now? That's what THEY do. That's how THEY try to get our goats when they want to show something gruesome and really rock our worlds, make us shake in our boots, make us hold our children that much closer and thank God it's not us? That's what THEY do.

I am mortified and very very disappointed in our news media. We don't need to see it. Just tell us he was killed. If you must, go ahead and tell us how you did it tactically. Don't show it to us. Oh. Sorry. I guess it's too late. We have now offically stooped to their level. It's done. This saddens me a lot. When I saw the news last night, I was set off like a rocket. My husband, well, he understands my anger but he tried to explain why they feel they must show his face; vindication (in my world it's called tit for tat or stooping to their level). This morning when I went out to the driveway to get the paper, there he was again, dead on the front page. Why?

It's crass. It's tasteless. It's horrible. We have officially become like them. I don't like it one bit.

Jenn

Bloggity Blog Blog blah blah blah

Life is fast. Life is slow. It's good it's bad. It's happy it's sad. It's scary. You either deal with it or you don't. If you take a step back, you know like say WAAAAY back, back by the mountains, like way back there???? You can look at it all. It might tax your brain, (it does mine) but you can see the big picture from back there......It's really BIG.

Why do horrible things happen to people? I suppose they happen for a reason. Babies die. People get murdered. Tortured. War. Horrible horrible. But also there are wonderful things. Happy things. People have beautiful babies; some healthy some not so but beautiful nonetheless. People fall in love, get married. They take trips they have wished for their whole life. They find things they lost and really treasured. Wonderful special things can happen in this life of ours.

We're supposed to be strong enough to take it all. Aren't we? God thinks we are. So why don't we think we can? My honey is so good. He is so helpful. He is so there. He loves to dance, he loves to talk, he loves to make me laugh. So why do I let the few other little things that tick me off take over? I don't know. I try so very hard not to. I try to take it in stride. Mom's do more. They are stronger. When they are sick, they have to keep on. No one takes over thier roles and gives them a break. The things that we are so proud of, take pride in, accomplishments our children make, sometimes it's only us who really get them. Not all the time, but sometimes. We know the details like no one else. The exacts you know? How their day was. What awful stinkerish thing they drew on a piece of paper that the teacher wanted you to know about. The kids they like, the kids they don't. What so and so said on what day and the next day and who is reading what book at school. All the details.

Be strong. Take it in stride. This life is our one shot to do what we can and in some cases (not everyone is a parent) raise wonderful children. It's our one chance to try to get it right. Whatever that means. God knows when we are born, what we will do. Who we will become. The mistakes and the acheivments we will make. He knew when I was born that I would have a child that would die at ten months of age. He knows the reason. I don't. So I'm to be strong. Having said that, know that I constantly am trying to pick up my skirt tails and gather all the strength I have.....and I guess no one ever ever said it would be easy. Cause it sure isn't. But it's worth it.

Jenn

Vanuatu

I do NOT live in Vanuatu. I have changed it twice and it keeps defaulting to Vanuatu. Kay. Just sayin. I live in the good ole USA. Wanted to clear that little tidbit up. Is someone playing a trick on me? Am I on candid camera?

I know I'm the only one who has the password to change it. It's almost funny now.

I'm going to try one more time. Third times a charm?

Survivor I am NOT.

Jennnnnn

Out with it...

Ok ok ok. Here goes. I may as well say it. I said it on our other blog so why not just come out with it?

I eat mayo on my fries. Not every single time but I do. So there. It's horrible. It's bad. It will clog my heart. I try try try try try not to do it.

Thank you for letting me know A in GA. That was kind of you because God only knows what I would have admitted there at some point in time. Yikes! Well really, I don't have much to 'hide' in my life but you never know; what one person thinks is normal, the next thinks is over the moon strange.

It's a horrible no good awful day. It just is. I'm now mortified I admitted that but now that one person has read it I have to assume anyone who reads my blog has as well. So there you go. All done. All better.

Jenn

Birthday Into the Church

Just a little conversation

Taking after a recent post on Rob's blog, I'm going to share a recent conversation with myself and the Oldest while watching Katherine McPhee sing on the Today show about 2-3 days ago:

Me: Stop looking at her Oldest, she's trying to tickle you with her eyes (said smiling cause he was SO enchanted with her and the look on his face was like ga ga and let me re affirm, yes, he's still only six)
Him: NO she's NOT (smiling so big the smile was about to crack his little face)
Me: Well she IS pretty
Him: NO she's NOT (no more smiling now cause he knows he's been had)
Me: Yes she IS pretty
Him: She's not prettier than you
Me: Yes she is and that's ok, Oldest
Him: Well you're the best Mom in the world though
Me: Thanks honey
Him: And if you weren't you, I wouldn't be me.
Me: Melting, looking around for my husband to see if he heard these words of such WISDOM from our son!
Then he tackles me to the floor with a big bear hug and doesn't let go.

Love that. My sweet boy. Two minutes later he was terrorizing the cat but we won't get into that now...lets just revel in the moment of tenderness from my child. Kay. It's passed now.

Jenn

Birthday

Today is my birthday.

It's been a nice day.

Spent it with my honey.

My Gramma and my Aunt and my Cousin also came into town for the littlest's baptism tomorrow. That made it a perfectly wonderful day.

I am getting older. Stating the obvious.

The year of 36.......what will it bring? More peace. Less anger. More love.

This, I hope for.

Jenn

A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer. That is me.