So I went to church tonight with just me and the littlest. The oldest was with his Daddy who had to go to work. I could not have handled both boys in church by myself without looking like a maniac. The oldest likes for me to count down the minutes till we have to leave and that quite gets on my nerves. :)
I felt such absolute peace being there tonight. I usually do, I usually feel 100% connected when I'm there but tonight was more intense. Of course, the tears were there, they always are. I can't stop them. Can't. I'm not sure what others think when they see me. I wasn't sobbing, just tears is all. Tears aren't always bad you know. Sometimes they are and sometimes they are cleansing, and sometimes they are therapeutic and sometimes they are happy. If you are a guy reading this, sorry. Didn't mean to confuse you more about women. ;<)
He was quiet and happy and peaceful. It was easy for me to allow myself to just be. Talk to God, be with God, think, pray, just be. It was the best part of my day. Easily. In the most spiritual and quiet way.
Jenn
You cook, you clean, you go to work, you nourish, you love, you scold, you are professional and yet you hang your hat on every dust particle in your home. You are a woman. Some women are Moms and some are not. You are still a woman. We are all made similarly. We are strong.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Hmmmm
Well, I am observing a very interesting interaction in the blog world right now. Of course, because I am friends with one of the people, my immediate reaction was to defend her. And probably because we are such good friends, I will probably always do that. I think that now in sitting back and reading the last person reflection, both have good points.
Here's the thing that can tire you in this pseudo world we are in (speaking only of this crazy blog world). There is danger in it. Yes oh yes you get to express yourself and because no one is physically sitting in front of you it feels easier to truly say what you feel. That's where the danger enters. People halfway across the world can see what we are saying, feeling, and thinking. That is a lot of people!! Not that all or any of them will be reading your every entry but the possibility is there for literally anyone to read what you have written. That means there are lots of opinions out there that can be thrown your way. I have to admit, I have not been privy to any hurtful things said towards me. So it's easier to sit here and be more reflective vs angry. I also admit, I like to hear from everyone, even the anonymous posters although sometimes I do have mixed thoughts about it. I wonder a lot about who they are and why they prefer to remain anonymous. It's OK with me but it just makes me wonder. I figure, almost everyone signs their names, why not just sign your name, even if it's a made up 'blog' name. But to each their own, and I can respect that in the end.
I think in this life, you don't always get a fair shake, this I know. We don't and won't always like the things that happen to us. I want people to see me as warm, friendly, and caring while I admit that my controlling personality defeats some of that desire I have. That's ok with me because I can be warm, friendly, caring, and controlling at the same time. In fact, I am all of that. AND I try to come across when I'm in control mode nice about it. Whether it does or not, I can't say. But I try. What more can you ask for? A person is just what they are. In the end you can't really hide your personality traits now can you? They always come out one way or another, the true you hopefully is out there for all to see. If it isn't, it will eek itself out one day, whether you want it to or not.
There are some in this world who have more on their shoulders than others will ever dream to have on their shoulders, let alone will ever have.. those people come from a different place, a deeper place and they are ready to pounce on the world at the slightest mis step. I think I am one of those people. So I can probably relate a little better about it all. Just know that when you comment to someone about something, you aren't really sure what their day has held thus far, walk lightly because you never know. Or maybe you do...
Jenn
Here's the thing that can tire you in this pseudo world we are in (speaking only of this crazy blog world). There is danger in it. Yes oh yes you get to express yourself and because no one is physically sitting in front of you it feels easier to truly say what you feel. That's where the danger enters. People halfway across the world can see what we are saying, feeling, and thinking. That is a lot of people!! Not that all or any of them will be reading your every entry but the possibility is there for literally anyone to read what you have written. That means there are lots of opinions out there that can be thrown your way. I have to admit, I have not been privy to any hurtful things said towards me. So it's easier to sit here and be more reflective vs angry. I also admit, I like to hear from everyone, even the anonymous posters although sometimes I do have mixed thoughts about it. I wonder a lot about who they are and why they prefer to remain anonymous. It's OK with me but it just makes me wonder. I figure, almost everyone signs their names, why not just sign your name, even if it's a made up 'blog' name. But to each their own, and I can respect that in the end.
I think in this life, you don't always get a fair shake, this I know. We don't and won't always like the things that happen to us. I want people to see me as warm, friendly, and caring while I admit that my controlling personality defeats some of that desire I have. That's ok with me because I can be warm, friendly, caring, and controlling at the same time. In fact, I am all of that. AND I try to come across when I'm in control mode nice about it. Whether it does or not, I can't say. But I try. What more can you ask for? A person is just what they are. In the end you can't really hide your personality traits now can you? They always come out one way or another, the true you hopefully is out there for all to see. If it isn't, it will eek itself out one day, whether you want it to or not.
There are some in this world who have more on their shoulders than others will ever dream to have on their shoulders, let alone will ever have.. those people come from a different place, a deeper place and they are ready to pounce on the world at the slightest mis step. I think I am one of those people. So I can probably relate a little better about it all. Just know that when you comment to someone about something, you aren't really sure what their day has held thus far, walk lightly because you never know. Or maybe you do...
Jenn
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Cry me a river..
When you feel like wallowing what do you do? I usually cry. Today, I cried. Here is why and now you'll know I'm completely insane after this.
I was driving. The littlest in the back. He was jibber jabbering very happily. So happily that it caught my heart. Pulled on my strings and I was entranced and heard nothing else. Just him. I turned around as I drove and looked at his little face. It was sheer joy. He is so happy. I don't know why but anyway I love it. THAT is what made me cry. NOW that is not the first time this week that I've cried because he's so happy. It's totally perplexing to me. It's not just a short cry. By the time I got to the place I was going, I was sure they thought something was terribly wrong with me and my very puffy, red face. I pretend not to notice them stare at me.
I'm not going to even take a stab at why the tears are coming. He's happy. That's good. What gives?
Ugh.
Jenn
A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer. That is me.
I was driving. The littlest in the back. He was jibber jabbering very happily. So happily that it caught my heart. Pulled on my strings and I was entranced and heard nothing else. Just him. I turned around as I drove and looked at his little face. It was sheer joy. He is so happy. I don't know why but anyway I love it. THAT is what made me cry. NOW that is not the first time this week that I've cried because he's so happy. It's totally perplexing to me. It's not just a short cry. By the time I got to the place I was going, I was sure they thought something was terribly wrong with me and my very puffy, red face. I pretend not to notice them stare at me.
I'm not going to even take a stab at why the tears are coming. He's happy. That's good. What gives?
Ugh.
Jenn
A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer. That is me.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Parenting 101
Ok here goes. My take on parenting (again).
It is painfully clear to me when I am around our friends and in some cases family that we parent completely differently than many other people. We don't let the oldest watch WHATEVER he wants. We don't cuss in front of him (and NO we are not saints, we are just mindful that whatever YOU say, THEY will say and what are we freaks for doing that?). We DO have rules that make it obvious we are stricter than others. He does get away with stuff, yes he does. But we try to catch the big stuff. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue because I might be the only parent saying something in a certain setting. I have to measure; will this be ok, will it hurt him or someone else, can we just talk about this later? If the answers are yes, no, and yes, in that order then I try my best to let it slide. If the answers are no, yes and no then I say something THEN. I am fully aware that if you say something to your child at every single turn, not only does it fall on deaf ears (which sometimes it just does anyway because kids do turn off their hearing to you even in normal settings) but they begin to resist you for everything. It's all about picking your battles. Or doing your best to pick them. This is hard stuff people. I know for a fact that some of our friends and family think we are too strick or freaks. We were just in a situation the other day (well actually a couple this past week) where I could FEEL eyes on me, I just KNEW it. I shouldn't worry about it. My husband and I have talked about this at length and we both fully agree with each other; we are doing things the right way. We would not let our oldest son even though he's almost seven watch King Kong or War of the Worlds. Are we being too harsh? Maybe. Maybe not. BUT there is lots of violence in the first movie. Why subject them to that so early? I don't get it. It's like it's cool to let the little ones watch this stuff and you tell yourself it's ok, and hey, they didn't freak out or cry so they're all good right? Only what does it open them up to that you might not see at that moment in time. And the next movie comes out and we let them watch that one and the next one and before you know it, the children are immune to violence and sex and innuendo and BAM hello? That's PART (granted only part) of what is wrong today with some kids. So if we shelter him too much, go ahead, hang me by my toes. I personally believe that it will be the better for him. Of course, that's why this world spins the way it does. I'm allowed to believe and parent the way I (and my honey) believe is right and others can parent the way they feel is best. Who am I really?
All I'm saying is it's hard to stand your ground when others who you care about and who care about you do things so differently. I from time to time tell the oldest that sometimes he will not like the rules we put in place but that they will be for his own good. He seems to accept it and roll with it all. Not saying that there aren"t times he doesn't like it......just last night he said out loud afterI told him to do something he didn't want to (about four times) that there was a Mom in the room who had short hearing and he wanted me to guess who it was..... :)
I'm sticking to my guns. End of my rant...
j
AND let me add a half day later that I'm no angel either. My husband has been known to say he thinks I have a sailor mouth. So don't think I'm some kind of perfect person who thinks everyone else should be perfect. Uh uh. I just choose to watch my words ultra around the kids (well the oldest now cause you wouldn't WANT to know what I said in front of the littlest just this morning... but that will only last for a tiny bit longer, he's listening you know!) Kay. All done now.
It is painfully clear to me when I am around our friends and in some cases family that we parent completely differently than many other people. We don't let the oldest watch WHATEVER he wants. We don't cuss in front of him (and NO we are not saints, we are just mindful that whatever YOU say, THEY will say and what are we freaks for doing that?). We DO have rules that make it obvious we are stricter than others. He does get away with stuff, yes he does. But we try to catch the big stuff. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue because I might be the only parent saying something in a certain setting. I have to measure; will this be ok, will it hurt him or someone else, can we just talk about this later? If the answers are yes, no, and yes, in that order then I try my best to let it slide. If the answers are no, yes and no then I say something THEN. I am fully aware that if you say something to your child at every single turn, not only does it fall on deaf ears (which sometimes it just does anyway because kids do turn off their hearing to you even in normal settings) but they begin to resist you for everything. It's all about picking your battles. Or doing your best to pick them. This is hard stuff people. I know for a fact that some of our friends and family think we are too strick or freaks. We were just in a situation the other day (well actually a couple this past week) where I could FEEL eyes on me, I just KNEW it. I shouldn't worry about it. My husband and I have talked about this at length and we both fully agree with each other; we are doing things the right way. We would not let our oldest son even though he's almost seven watch King Kong or War of the Worlds. Are we being too harsh? Maybe. Maybe not. BUT there is lots of violence in the first movie. Why subject them to that so early? I don't get it. It's like it's cool to let the little ones watch this stuff and you tell yourself it's ok, and hey, they didn't freak out or cry so they're all good right? Only what does it open them up to that you might not see at that moment in time. And the next movie comes out and we let them watch that one and the next one and before you know it, the children are immune to violence and sex and innuendo and BAM hello? That's PART (granted only part) of what is wrong today with some kids. So if we shelter him too much, go ahead, hang me by my toes. I personally believe that it will be the better for him. Of course, that's why this world spins the way it does. I'm allowed to believe and parent the way I (and my honey) believe is right and others can parent the way they feel is best. Who am I really?
All I'm saying is it's hard to stand your ground when others who you care about and who care about you do things so differently. I from time to time tell the oldest that sometimes he will not like the rules we put in place but that they will be for his own good. He seems to accept it and roll with it all. Not saying that there aren"t times he doesn't like it......just last night he said out loud afterI told him to do something he didn't want to (about four times) that there was a Mom in the room who had short hearing and he wanted me to guess who it was..... :)
I'm sticking to my guns. End of my rant...
j
AND let me add a half day later that I'm no angel either. My husband has been known to say he thinks I have a sailor mouth. So don't think I'm some kind of perfect person who thinks everyone else should be perfect. Uh uh. I just choose to watch my words ultra around the kids (well the oldest now cause you wouldn't WANT to know what I said in front of the littlest just this morning... but that will only last for a tiny bit longer, he's listening you know!) Kay. All done now.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
How Many Times?
How many times can one child or person watch a Harry Potter Movie? Not just one in particular, it could be any of them. And the oldest is guilty of it but so am I; I have come to discover if ABC Family Channel puts it on, and I discover it's playing, I'm all watching it in a trance right along with him. AND they can play an encore of Chamber of Secrets two times in a row (hence ENCORE) and again there we are like we didn't just see it. Asking questions like we didn't just see it. What is it about Harry Potter? I dunno.
It's just funny is all. And this kid will make all the Harry Potter movies (and the other two as well) and never have to do another thing in their lives. They will, but they won't have to. Dang. Why couldn't I have been born in England and someone heard my sweet little girl innocent voice and thought I'd make a good Hermoine? Yah. Right.
Just sayin.
It's just funny is all. And this kid will make all the Harry Potter movies (and the other two as well) and never have to do another thing in their lives. They will, but they won't have to. Dang. Why couldn't I have been born in England and someone heard my sweet little girl innocent voice and thought I'd make a good Hermoine? Yah. Right.
Just sayin.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Baby Spit Up...is my nose blocked up?
Here's the funny thing. When you're a mom, nothing phases you. Nothing. Well, almost nothing. Maybe blood. That phases me. That makes me go into freak out mode. But I digress.... your baby could spit up on you and you won't even balk. It could be that he say...spit up on your face...that's a good example..yeah, he spit up on your face and you you you you didn't even bat an eye. You looked around for the nearest diaper rag or thin blanket and couldn't find one. So maybe there was enough spit up, that it caused you to rip the pants off your very child and use that as a rag to wipe everything up. All the while, never causing yourself to heave or anything, never getting sick at the sight or smell because well, you are woman! You can't let a simple thing like thick spit up get in the way of life or progress. It got me to thinking, does anything gross me out anymore (besides blood)? No, not really. Your baby could be drooling and you could wipe it with your bare hand and alas, you have nothing else to transfer the 'drool' to (again no diaper rag) so you look around, make sure no one is looking and wipe it on your pants (maybe; as an example.... uh hum, only an example I would NEVER do such a thing :) )
Nothing gets me. He can slobber all over my face in an wonderful effort to kiss me and I absoulutely love it. Slobber? I'm sure that anyone watching might be thinking that it's absolutely disgusting and I must admit if I were watching such a thing, I'd probably be thinking the same thing if I were not a mamma. You have to be a mamma to even a smidgen understand this.
It could stink, it could be thick and puddingy, it could have large food chunks in it, but it does not make the stomach of a mamma turn. Makes me think that all mamma's have noses that are all blocked off or a gene that helps the nose accept those more uh lets say revolting things in life.
I love my little baby. He is the sun the moon the stars to me. He is so happy. So so happy. Such a sweet little chunky little happy little healthy boy. Always smiling, always looking, always alert, happy soul. I know Lucas is in there. I just know it. Give me that. Let me think it, believe it. Humor me. Pacify me. I have this gift of him. I love his smelly spit up. :) I love his laugh. I love it all.
Tomorrow is the day. One of the days. April 22nd. On this day I will probably cry. I will definitely be happy to have the littlest in our life. Definitely. Is it possible to be so happy and feel sad too? I suppose it is because I am. A complete and utter split of emotions.
I started this post with a complete humorous and happy heart; how did I get here? This is the story of my life. Alas, it just is.
Twinkle twinkle little star how I wonder where you are......
Love Jenn
Nothing gets me. He can slobber all over my face in an wonderful effort to kiss me and I absoulutely love it. Slobber? I'm sure that anyone watching might be thinking that it's absolutely disgusting and I must admit if I were watching such a thing, I'd probably be thinking the same thing if I were not a mamma. You have to be a mamma to even a smidgen understand this.
It could stink, it could be thick and puddingy, it could have large food chunks in it, but it does not make the stomach of a mamma turn. Makes me think that all mamma's have noses that are all blocked off or a gene that helps the nose accept those more uh lets say revolting things in life.
I love my little baby. He is the sun the moon the stars to me. He is so happy. So so happy. Such a sweet little chunky little happy little healthy boy. Always smiling, always looking, always alert, happy soul. I know Lucas is in there. I just know it. Give me that. Let me think it, believe it. Humor me. Pacify me. I have this gift of him. I love his smelly spit up. :) I love his laugh. I love it all.
Tomorrow is the day. One of the days. April 22nd. On this day I will probably cry. I will definitely be happy to have the littlest in our life. Definitely. Is it possible to be so happy and feel sad too? I suppose it is because I am. A complete and utter split of emotions.
I started this post with a complete humorous and happy heart; how did I get here? This is the story of my life. Alas, it just is.
Twinkle twinkle little star how I wonder where you are......
Love Jenn
Monday, April 17, 2006
The Battle of the Tissue Box
I stand strong. I stand steadfast. I have not said a word to my honey. This is a silent battle of the wills. It's getting just plain funny. You know how you do this dance with your partner? Like the dance of life or something? It's just a dance and if you think about it, it's one moving around the other when one is feeling either loving or genial -OR- it's one moving straight at the other like a bull in a bull fight. It depends on the mood. It depends on what is going on. It depends if I'm on my period.
There is this tissue box. For a long time now, there has always been a tissue box on this particular stool. A stool you say? Yes, it's on a stool right next to where our home PC sits. Don't ask. So, given it's there, I like it to be in the middle of the stool. You know, it looks centered. Like it belongs there (who am I kidding). My husband on the other hand likes it to be at the back of the stool where the back of the stool meets the wall so that the tissue box is sitting flush with the wall therefore making it on the edge of the stool. Is this a good visual? I hope so..
I will walk by that thing and move it to the middle. Quietly. Without saying a word, knowing it was he who moved it to the edge. I move it to the middle and keep walking. Three minutes later, I pass that same stool and the tissue box is at the back edge again. So he walked by and quietly, moved it to the back. I'm not sure if he thinks it is me moving it or my son. AND I know that if I broach this subject with him it will turn into a comedic head against the wall conversation; so I ignore the temptation and move it to the middle. This has been going on for weeks...possibly months. A long time. It's becoming it's own little 'thing'. It's like the dependable crash of the waves on the beach, that I will have to move it. It's like a disease he has. I know why I want it in the middle of the stool; because I'm a woman stuck in symetrical mode. Everything must be symetrical. It will look like you wanted it that way, you planned it to end up there you know? Now HIM. I can only offer a small small tiny thought of what might be going through his head because God help him (and me) he is a man and I have NO CLUE what goes through the heads of men. I am but a simple woman...
It appears my son has this disease as well. As we speak (or type) the oldest keeps (silently) re arranging this new entry rug I just bought for the front door today. It was time for the Snow Man rug to be put away till Winter ya know? So I bought this jazzy wooden slat shaker rug/mat that has beautiful warm colors in it; perfect for our house. With my 20% coupon thankyouverymuch. I placed it horizontally on the floor not two hours ago. He keeps (third time now) going over and re adjusting it to be vertical. Silently. Without a word to me. And I silently re arrange it like I had it originally. First of all, it MUST be in the male side of the genes. Second of all, he's ONLY SIX! Third of all you can easily see why I will lose my ever loving mind around here. If I were a tad bit closer to the looney side of life, I just might think between the tissue box and the new mat, I was losing my mind. Who in God's name is moving this stuff I might think to myself? Oh I know, it's the bossy boys in my life. Hmph. It seems I might be outnumbered by them but I am NOT outsmarted. Silently, quietly, I have ALL their numbers. They just don't know it.
Jenn
There is this tissue box. For a long time now, there has always been a tissue box on this particular stool. A stool you say? Yes, it's on a stool right next to where our home PC sits. Don't ask. So, given it's there, I like it to be in the middle of the stool. You know, it looks centered. Like it belongs there (who am I kidding). My husband on the other hand likes it to be at the back of the stool where the back of the stool meets the wall so that the tissue box is sitting flush with the wall therefore making it on the edge of the stool. Is this a good visual? I hope so..
I will walk by that thing and move it to the middle. Quietly. Without saying a word, knowing it was he who moved it to the edge. I move it to the middle and keep walking. Three minutes later, I pass that same stool and the tissue box is at the back edge again. So he walked by and quietly, moved it to the back. I'm not sure if he thinks it is me moving it or my son. AND I know that if I broach this subject with him it will turn into a comedic head against the wall conversation; so I ignore the temptation and move it to the middle. This has been going on for weeks...possibly months. A long time. It's becoming it's own little 'thing'. It's like the dependable crash of the waves on the beach, that I will have to move it. It's like a disease he has. I know why I want it in the middle of the stool; because I'm a woman stuck in symetrical mode. Everything must be symetrical. It will look like you wanted it that way, you planned it to end up there you know? Now HIM. I can only offer a small small tiny thought of what might be going through his head because God help him (and me) he is a man and I have NO CLUE what goes through the heads of men. I am but a simple woman...
It appears my son has this disease as well. As we speak (or type) the oldest keeps (silently) re arranging this new entry rug I just bought for the front door today. It was time for the Snow Man rug to be put away till Winter ya know? So I bought this jazzy wooden slat shaker rug/mat that has beautiful warm colors in it; perfect for our house. With my 20% coupon thankyouverymuch. I placed it horizontally on the floor not two hours ago. He keeps (third time now) going over and re adjusting it to be vertical. Silently. Without a word to me. And I silently re arrange it like I had it originally. First of all, it MUST be in the male side of the genes. Second of all, he's ONLY SIX! Third of all you can easily see why I will lose my ever loving mind around here. If I were a tad bit closer to the looney side of life, I just might think between the tissue box and the new mat, I was losing my mind. Who in God's name is moving this stuff I might think to myself? Oh I know, it's the bossy boys in my life. Hmph. It seems I might be outnumbered by them but I am NOT outsmarted. Silently, quietly, I have ALL their numbers. They just don't know it.
Jenn
Friday, April 14, 2006
Only the Good Die Young
Today is Good Friday. Easter is almost here. It's basically here. You know what I mean. Easter baskets for the kids, dying the Easter eggs, hiding them, hunting for them, all fun stuff. Next year, the littlest will be running around trying to find them too.
It's an absolute time for renewal. Spring has sprung, pollen is everywhere, people in shorts, this time every year, we celebrate that the Lord has risen, renewal all around.
If I were in Heaven, and one day I will be, I would look around, no, not just look, scourage around, till I found it. Not him. Not Lucas. He would already be WITH me. The second I get there you know, he'll just be waiting for me. I'll be looking for perfection. I suppose because it's Heaven, it'll just be there, everywhere. Everything and everyone will be perfect in His own right. Maybe that is a given. There is just too much amiss. Too many things that need to be made right. We can only do what we can do and my mother says all the time, 'live a simple life' she didn't always say that but she has been maybe since Lucas died, I'm not sure, I cannot recall when she started saying it. She's right though. It's too fast, we want too much, but all for the best right? The best reasons?
Do you think it's true only the good die young? Or is it just a song? Just a song that has turned into a phrase that suddenly people just believe. "You know what they say (who is they); only the good die young...."
Lucas was good. He was a baby so of course he was good. He was innocent in every way. He died young. In our case, the song is true. Heard it on the radio today. As you can guess, I started to cry. And not just a little. It's all around me. Everywhere, all the time. My cross to carry. My husband's cross to carry. The oldest's cross to carry. He doesn't know it but the sadness he feels, he just feels it in a kid way. But that's what it is. And as time swirls around us, and tumbles away invisibly, we get closer to where we're supposed to be. The funny thing is where we end up isn't what it's all about. It's what we did, all the lessons we learned along the way, the life we lived, the paths we took, that was what mattered. Not the place we ended but what we did to get there. My job is to make sure we raise good children. One of them has already acheived pure perfection; just without my own motherly influence. Sad but happy. Happy but sad.
Jenn
It's an absolute time for renewal. Spring has sprung, pollen is everywhere, people in shorts, this time every year, we celebrate that the Lord has risen, renewal all around.
If I were in Heaven, and one day I will be, I would look around, no, not just look, scourage around, till I found it. Not him. Not Lucas. He would already be WITH me. The second I get there you know, he'll just be waiting for me. I'll be looking for perfection. I suppose because it's Heaven, it'll just be there, everywhere. Everything and everyone will be perfect in His own right. Maybe that is a given. There is just too much amiss. Too many things that need to be made right. We can only do what we can do and my mother says all the time, 'live a simple life' she didn't always say that but she has been maybe since Lucas died, I'm not sure, I cannot recall when she started saying it. She's right though. It's too fast, we want too much, but all for the best right? The best reasons?
Do you think it's true only the good die young? Or is it just a song? Just a song that has turned into a phrase that suddenly people just believe. "You know what they say (who is they); only the good die young...."
Lucas was good. He was a baby so of course he was good. He was innocent in every way. He died young. In our case, the song is true. Heard it on the radio today. As you can guess, I started to cry. And not just a little. It's all around me. Everywhere, all the time. My cross to carry. My husband's cross to carry. The oldest's cross to carry. He doesn't know it but the sadness he feels, he just feels it in a kid way. But that's what it is. And as time swirls around us, and tumbles away invisibly, we get closer to where we're supposed to be. The funny thing is where we end up isn't what it's all about. It's what we did, all the lessons we learned along the way, the life we lived, the paths we took, that was what mattered. Not the place we ended but what we did to get there. My job is to make sure we raise good children. One of them has already acheived pure perfection; just without my own motherly influence. Sad but happy. Happy but sad.
Jenn
Thursday, April 13, 2006
The Mermaid Chair Part TWO
I'm all done. Finished it last night. Here's the crazy part about reading a book for me.....I get obsessed, can't put it down crazy obsessed till I'm finished. I will stay up unGodly hours (what are unGodly hours?) to finish like a maniac. I have no time during the day to get so engrossed in one thing. So it's at night when both boys are down. My nights are more sleepless but my dreams are MORE vivid. Having said all that....The book is good. Really good. Thought provoking and strange but good. The ending, I must say was what I wanted but not in the way I wanted. I wanted the same details about she and her husband as we got with her and the Monk. I think we were owed that to help the story line come fully into it's own. I won't say more because I know Trace is going to get this book and read it. Don't want to ruin...
I recommend it as a read. It's not too long but not too short. You get engrossed so it's good, there's no doubt but it does make you wonder.....and dare I go near this subject to say is this what Catholic Priests are feeling and is this part of the reason the Catholic religon is where it is today? Not fully the reason but certainly part of it. --- I did cry two or three times.
Overall, I rate it a B-.
All done with that. What's next? I'll tell you what's next. Me going to bed at a decent time thankyouverymuch. Like how about 830 after I get the oldest down? Sounds good to me.
J
There's No Tea!
So I decide to use my new Pampered Chef very fancy pitcher that stirs by pulling this handle up and down that I just got. What's new I'm in my own world doing many things at once. I start the process of making tea in the coffee maker (strange but it works and I don't know why for Heavens sake I don't just use the tea make but the coffee maker is always on the counter EVEN THOUGH WE NEVER DRINK COFFEE EVER). I am playing with the littlest and giving him almost my full attention while going through the motions. Hardly paying attention to what I'm doing I fill the glass pot all the way up with water and pour it into the coffee maker. I put the tea bags in. I fill the pitcher half with ice and two scoops of sugar and walk away.
The littlest and I play in the living room, practicing walking around the room having lots of fun. I'm thinking I'm pretty thirsty and can't wait to have a glass of tea from my NEW PC pitcher. I'm too la dee dah aren't I? I'm so NOT. Anyway, after about twenty minutes, I go over to finish the process and discover, there's no tea! I was confused for a second, where is the tea? Where is the water? Then I thought back, "Oh, I didn't even fill the carafe with water yet what a doh doh" So I go to the sink and fill the carafe again with water (please note above paragraph where I already took this step) and walk over to the coffee maker, open the lid and again only halfway paying attention, start pouring (more) water into the resevoir. Suddenly I am jolted into being fully aware and present in the moment as water comes gushing out from the resevoir and all over the counter, all over my feet, all over everywhere! What is going on I say to myself? And I look into the resevoir and then it hits me.......I already poured water into this damn thing! Then I look at the coffee maker, trying to assess what could be wrong and I realize as my eyes follow the cord from the coffee maker to the outlet that the damn coffee maker is not even plugged in. Yes, it didn't need water, I had already done THAT, it needed electricity.
Be very very afraid. My brain and it's power has diminished my friends. It totally has. What more can I say? And to my utter dismay, the tea was not even good. All that for what? Stop laughing Daniel!
Jenn
The littlest and I play in the living room, practicing walking around the room having lots of fun. I'm thinking I'm pretty thirsty and can't wait to have a glass of tea from my NEW PC pitcher. I'm too la dee dah aren't I? I'm so NOT. Anyway, after about twenty minutes, I go over to finish the process and discover, there's no tea! I was confused for a second, where is the tea? Where is the water? Then I thought back, "Oh, I didn't even fill the carafe with water yet what a doh doh" So I go to the sink and fill the carafe again with water (please note above paragraph where I already took this step) and walk over to the coffee maker, open the lid and again only halfway paying attention, start pouring (more) water into the resevoir. Suddenly I am jolted into being fully aware and present in the moment as water comes gushing out from the resevoir and all over the counter, all over my feet, all over everywhere! What is going on I say to myself? And I look into the resevoir and then it hits me.......I already poured water into this damn thing! Then I look at the coffee maker, trying to assess what could be wrong and I realize as my eyes follow the cord from the coffee maker to the outlet that the damn coffee maker is not even plugged in. Yes, it didn't need water, I had already done THAT, it needed electricity.
Be very very afraid. My brain and it's power has diminished my friends. It totally has. What more can I say? And to my utter dismay, the tea was not even good. All that for what? Stop laughing Daniel!
Jenn
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
One (or two) thing to say BLOG NAME
I'm going to throw it out there that you all can decide what my blog name will be. I'm taking suggestions. As you can tell I've been flailing around with that the past two weeks and changed it a LOT.
Fourth, (follow me here this is the fourth thing..) don't be ghetto fab. Be fabbo fab. This is SO not me. I have far more important things to do like sleep. So I'm breaking it to my honey that I'm gonna have someone help me with the house. Notice I'm having trouble calling it a maid.
God help me.
Jenn
Fourth, (follow me here this is the fourth thing..) don't be ghetto fab. Be fabbo fab. This is SO not me. I have far more important things to do like sleep. So I'm breaking it to my honey that I'm gonna have someone help me with the house. Notice I'm having trouble calling it a maid.
God help me.
Jenn
My Space
With all this stuff in the news for the past month or so about MySpace.com I've been thinking a lot about whether or not it's right to spy on your kids. Pretty much I've come to the conclusion you have to. I think as long as you are up front about it (let them know you want to know everything and will be checking behind everything) and don't lie to them, you should. It's true kids need a sense of privacy, especially as they begin to get a bit older; but shrouded in that mask of privacy lays God knows what.
I will be spying. I will be looking over their shoulders. And in the end, they'll know I love them.
Thoughts?
I will be spying. I will be looking over their shoulders. And in the end, they'll know I love them.
Thoughts?
The Mermaid Chair
I'm reading this book called the Mermaid Chair. It's good so far. I'll let you know. It's about a woman who has been married to the same man for over 20 years (maybe longer) and she goes to help her mother who lives on an island in SC and while there in a short amount of time, falls in love with a Monk. Her mother lives next to a Monestary. Her husband comes to visit and she shooes him away telling him she needs space. Very interesting. She knowingly and willingly pursues this Monk. He loves her too. ?????? Wow. I'm riveted because this seems so wrong but then......does it? You know ME. I've been in big picture mode lately and I'm biting into this apple big time.
I'm almost done. I'll give a full report (and I know you'll be on pins and needles till then.... :)
when I'm done.
For now it's a good distraction for me.
Jenn
I'm almost done. I'll give a full report (and I know you'll be on pins and needles till then.... :)
when I'm done.
For now it's a good distraction for me.
Jenn
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Can you see a soul?
What do you think our soul looks like? Is it invisible? Is it really like a little gas pilot light that always stays on, burning forever? Do you think our soul holds all that we are and can be? All the potential that will be reached and more that will never be reached? I've been thinking big things.
What do I want to do with this life? Is this all there is? I mean, my goodness, if so, I'm thinking I'm pretty lucky. BUT there's a but. There's always a but (and in this case mine has lots of junk in it.. no pun intended but really those who know me know what I mean :) why is there always a but? If our soul is who we are, the kindest us we can be, who we could be in a perfect world, why don't we ever get all the way there? Why is there anger? I don't get it. I know I know, maybe that's the secret of it all. We're not supposed to get it. We make these decisions and we go through this life doing what we think is the best we can do because really now, who would make what they thought was a stupid decision on purpose? At that moment in time, it seemed the best thing that could be done. Right? If all of that is true then why why why did Lucas die as a baby? Is a soul so deep that it's supposed to know the answers to things like that?
It's all getting too deep. My mind has been there and back a thousand times. Maybe more. Several times a day, it ponders and wonders and turns and twists all of the memories and facts inside out. What if? What if I had probed further, picked up on my gut instinct a bit more to know that the Dr. was really not being forthcoming? Why had my instinct, the instinct of my soul NOT yelled and screamed at me loudly to walk away or ask MORE questions. We asked some but they were benign. Arcane. They were not the real questions we should have asked to get the real information we needed. If we had, we would have walked right out of there and taken him with us. Huge chances he'd still be here today. Do you see? Do you see why I drive myself crazy?
Too much..
What do I want to do with this life? Is this all there is? I mean, my goodness, if so, I'm thinking I'm pretty lucky. BUT there's a but. There's always a but (and in this case mine has lots of junk in it.. no pun intended but really those who know me know what I mean :) why is there always a but? If our soul is who we are, the kindest us we can be, who we could be in a perfect world, why don't we ever get all the way there? Why is there anger? I don't get it. I know I know, maybe that's the secret of it all. We're not supposed to get it. We make these decisions and we go through this life doing what we think is the best we can do because really now, who would make what they thought was a stupid decision on purpose? At that moment in time, it seemed the best thing that could be done. Right? If all of that is true then why why why did Lucas die as a baby? Is a soul so deep that it's supposed to know the answers to things like that?
It's all getting too deep. My mind has been there and back a thousand times. Maybe more. Several times a day, it ponders and wonders and turns and twists all of the memories and facts inside out. What if? What if I had probed further, picked up on my gut instinct a bit more to know that the Dr. was really not being forthcoming? Why had my instinct, the instinct of my soul NOT yelled and screamed at me loudly to walk away or ask MORE questions. We asked some but they were benign. Arcane. They were not the real questions we should have asked to get the real information we needed. If we had, we would have walked right out of there and taken him with us. Huge chances he'd still be here today. Do you see? Do you see why I drive myself crazy?
Too much..
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Ma Ma
Yesterday, the littlest who just turned eight months today, said my name crystal clearly for the first time. He has said it before; and Da Da too. But those times they could easily have been mistaken for random gobblygook babbling. I mean, I, his mother thought them to be true first spoken 'ma mas' but someone else might have said, "uh no, don't think so". But yesterday? Totally clearly on purpose he said my name. (gush gush lotsa lovey big proud mamma feelings inserted here) My honey had him on his lap facing outward and I walked around the corner and he said it out of the blue, not babbling prior, "Ma Ma" then we all clapped and laughed and smiled when he then said, "Da Da". MORE clapping laughing and generally happiness when the oldest frowned and looked at the ground saying, "How come you don't give me as much attention as you give him?" UH OH. Screeeeeech. Not true! Major attention getter just in the act of what he did, I assured him that was not true and on we moved. He still didn't like that the littlest said it. What? Do you want him to never speak? Silly six year old.
So there you have it, he knows who we are and the first words will ensue. Love it.
Love it.
Jenn
So there you have it, he knows who we are and the first words will ensue. Love it.
Love it.
Jenn
George Bush--Someone Help Him
I voted for him. Twice. Both times, glad to do it. Wanted to do it. Made up my mind it was the best thing to do in both situations and in looking forward to the important issues. Slowly, very slowly, my opinion of him is being etched away. There are actually times where I have felt sick to my stomach in the past year or so when I think of him and his actions and the stances he has taken. I knew what I was voting for and I liked that about him. Stood up for him on several very memorable occasions in fact....
Now, I'm feeling very very unsure of him. I'm really not sure there is anything he can do to change my opinion now. What's done is done, and he can't change that. Not for all the money or approved leaks in the world. Are you kidding me? Can anyone say hypocritical? Don't get me started.
I worry about things, things that our kids will have to deal with. I'm not sure he's entirely making that an easier path for them to walk. I'm just not sure...I think I'm on the fence about him but more on the questionable side. Would I stand up for him now? Not with any confidence; no.
What do you think? I know what one of you thinks. I'd like to hear anyway.
Now, I'm feeling very very unsure of him. I'm really not sure there is anything he can do to change my opinion now. What's done is done, and he can't change that. Not for all the money or approved leaks in the world. Are you kidding me? Can anyone say hypocritical? Don't get me started.
I worry about things, things that our kids will have to deal with. I'm not sure he's entirely making that an easier path for them to walk. I'm just not sure...I think I'm on the fence about him but more on the questionable side. Would I stand up for him now? Not with any confidence; no.
What do you think? I know what one of you thinks. I'd like to hear anyway.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Overwhelmed!
Too much! Too much to do, too much laundry, too much cleaning, too much everything. Can't keep up. So much to do that I dont' know where to start.
Am I depressed? I don't know. Is this what it feels like to be depressed? Again, I don't know.
My husband seems ok with me. With the house. With all that completely and utterly knocks me to my knees and consumes my almost every waking moment; the fact that I can't do it all and keep up a normal pace and things just don't get done. He seems like it's ok to him. To me, it drives me out of my mind insane. And the thing is, I never sit still, I'm always moving, from one thing to the next, never stopping (except to write here etc)--I am not a lazy person but it has become increasingly clear that I truly really truly cannot do it all.
The third person just came by to look at the house and ultimately give me a quote to help me with the house; cleaning, dusting, mopping, bathrooms etc. Maybe if I could feel better that certain things are getting done, I won't be so overwhelmed always doing the God forsaken laundry all the time. Maybe.
...big fat sigh....
Jenn
A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer and an Insane Person. That is me.
Am I depressed? I don't know. Is this what it feels like to be depressed? Again, I don't know.
My husband seems ok with me. With the house. With all that completely and utterly knocks me to my knees and consumes my almost every waking moment; the fact that I can't do it all and keep up a normal pace and things just don't get done. He seems like it's ok to him. To me, it drives me out of my mind insane. And the thing is, I never sit still, I'm always moving, from one thing to the next, never stopping (except to write here etc)--I am not a lazy person but it has become increasingly clear that I truly really truly cannot do it all.
The third person just came by to look at the house and ultimately give me a quote to help me with the house; cleaning, dusting, mopping, bathrooms etc. Maybe if I could feel better that certain things are getting done, I won't be so overwhelmed always doing the God forsaken laundry all the time. Maybe.
...big fat sigh....
Jenn
A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer and an Insane Person. That is me.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
The line in the middle of the sand....
So last Friday we all three (after the littlest went down for the night) sat up and watched this movie that just came out on DVD called Zathura. It's basically a modern take on Jumanji. It's a movie about a live game played out by two siblings. I mostly enjoyed it for the most part but I'm telling you, what an eye opener.
It's amazing to me that the oldest is still so truly innocent. To him, a "bad" word (otherwise known as a 'cuss' word to us big people) is something like dumb or stupid. If you asked him what a cuss word was, I don't think he'd know. I'm afraid to ask him because I don't want to focus on it or have to talk about it with him because he's so sharp, he'd pick up right away that it was something I didn't want to expand on, he'd call me on the carpet about it. He'd want to know more. I can't take the inquisitive streak out of him, no matter how hard I try. Of course, even though he has quite the 'stinkeresque' streak in him, I don't want to take the inquisitive streak out of him. It's what makes him the oldest. It's what makes him so wonderfully sweet and lovable. To my point, I've seen it, I have been in the room with him when a true bad word (D or B or S or H (harry potter ron weasley says bloody hell harry) and he doesn't flinch. He never skips a beat. He doesn't (*yet*) say "ooohhhh MOOOOOOOMMMM, did you HEAR that?" none of that. He doesn't repeat them, he doesn't know they've been said, it's like literally in one ear and out the other....
In this movie, Zathura, they were quite liberal with the questionable words. There we were sitting nicely, as a family watching this family movie and BAM! I almost fell off the couch. Here is what the kid in the movie said and I'll set the scene up for you....
It's a part where a robot is introduced to the boys. The younger brother says, "That's a small robot" and the older brother says, "You're just jealous because I HAVE a robot" "Robots do whatever you tell them to do, watch this, go get me a juicebox BIOTCH!" Laughter.
I suck in my breath and look at Ivan who is inwardly laughing his a** off and I'm thinking, are you KIDDING me? Then at some point the younger brother called the older brother a dickhead. I'm all OMG. Dying. I'm thinking at this point, he's so vested in the movie, there will be a stink if I turn it off (yes PPS) so best bet is to play it cool and pretend these words are NOT being said. Do not react, do not make a scene. Eventually these bad words will go away...heh.
Is this me being overprotective? This is me saying, "This is what's wrong with this world!" Our kids have no choice but to be influenced in this way. I mean, yes, we can cut them off from the world at large and never allow them to see movies (even the animations these days are tainted and sprinkled with innuendos and adult overtones) or never allow them to interact with other children whose parents and influences we cannot control. Sure. Then we end up raising freaks who are not normalized to the soceity as we know it OR who have no idea what the real world is truly about.
What to do? Stay near the line. This is what I think. Watch them like hawks, know where they are. Know what they watch. Don't let them chat online. Don't put phones in their rooms. Don't put a computer in their room. Love them like nothing else at every turn in the bend and enforce rules that you believe in with your spouse/significant other. Don't go over the line, stay near the line. The line is drawn in the middle of the sand. If you go too far over it, the kid wil be over the top. If you never get too close to the line, the kid will always be a rule breaker, a rebellion, someone who has difficulty following the norm. You go too far, you're done. You don't go far enough, you're done. You have to stay near the line. Let the little stuff go and attack the big stuff with all you've got.
This movie, was a reminder to me. It reminded me to keep my eye on the line in the sand. It also reminded me to cherish the innocence that the oldest still has. I dont' know how he does but I love that he does. Maybe it has something to do with the TV shows he is not allowed to watch and the ones I encourage him to watch. Maybe it has more to do with the time we spend together, the awesome conversations we have, the reading we do together....whatever it is, it's working. Thank God for that.
J
A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer. That is me.
It's amazing to me that the oldest is still so truly innocent. To him, a "bad" word (otherwise known as a 'cuss' word to us big people) is something like dumb or stupid. If you asked him what a cuss word was, I don't think he'd know. I'm afraid to ask him because I don't want to focus on it or have to talk about it with him because he's so sharp, he'd pick up right away that it was something I didn't want to expand on, he'd call me on the carpet about it. He'd want to know more. I can't take the inquisitive streak out of him, no matter how hard I try. Of course, even though he has quite the 'stinkeresque' streak in him, I don't want to take the inquisitive streak out of him. It's what makes him the oldest. It's what makes him so wonderfully sweet and lovable. To my point, I've seen it, I have been in the room with him when a true bad word (D or B or S or H (harry potter ron weasley says bloody hell harry) and he doesn't flinch. He never skips a beat. He doesn't (*yet*) say "ooohhhh MOOOOOOOMMMM, did you HEAR that?" none of that. He doesn't repeat them, he doesn't know they've been said, it's like literally in one ear and out the other....
In this movie, Zathura, they were quite liberal with the questionable words. There we were sitting nicely, as a family watching this family movie and BAM! I almost fell off the couch. Here is what the kid in the movie said and I'll set the scene up for you....
It's a part where a robot is introduced to the boys. The younger brother says, "That's a small robot" and the older brother says, "You're just jealous because I HAVE a robot" "Robots do whatever you tell them to do, watch this, go get me a juicebox BIOTCH!" Laughter.
I suck in my breath and look at Ivan who is inwardly laughing his a** off and I'm thinking, are you KIDDING me? Then at some point the younger brother called the older brother a dickhead. I'm all OMG. Dying. I'm thinking at this point, he's so vested in the movie, there will be a stink if I turn it off (yes PPS) so best bet is to play it cool and pretend these words are NOT being said. Do not react, do not make a scene. Eventually these bad words will go away...heh.
Is this me being overprotective? This is me saying, "This is what's wrong with this world!" Our kids have no choice but to be influenced in this way. I mean, yes, we can cut them off from the world at large and never allow them to see movies (even the animations these days are tainted and sprinkled with innuendos and adult overtones) or never allow them to interact with other children whose parents and influences we cannot control. Sure. Then we end up raising freaks who are not normalized to the soceity as we know it OR who have no idea what the real world is truly about.
What to do? Stay near the line. This is what I think. Watch them like hawks, know where they are. Know what they watch. Don't let them chat online. Don't put phones in their rooms. Don't put a computer in their room. Love them like nothing else at every turn in the bend and enforce rules that you believe in with your spouse/significant other. Don't go over the line, stay near the line. The line is drawn in the middle of the sand. If you go too far over it, the kid wil be over the top. If you never get too close to the line, the kid will always be a rule breaker, a rebellion, someone who has difficulty following the norm. You go too far, you're done. You don't go far enough, you're done. You have to stay near the line. Let the little stuff go and attack the big stuff with all you've got.
This movie, was a reminder to me. It reminded me to keep my eye on the line in the sand. It also reminded me to cherish the innocence that the oldest still has. I dont' know how he does but I love that he does. Maybe it has something to do with the TV shows he is not allowed to watch and the ones I encourage him to watch. Maybe it has more to do with the time we spend together, the awesome conversations we have, the reading we do together....whatever it is, it's working. Thank God for that.
J
A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer. That is me.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Really......not so funny
So the oldest wanted me to make lunch for him. Me being the proactive planning type A mom that I am (not) decided to make it TONIGHT vs in the morning when I run around like a chicken with my head cut off serving all mankind.
While I'm in the pantry, I decide that I will also reorganize the pantry (never mind I was yawning pretty much one right after the other and it was way past the time I should have been in bed given how tired I was). I pick up the vanilla flavoring for milk and it drops from my hands and lands on the ground and spills all over the floor. D! S! @#$###%^%$!!!
My dear sweet husband whom I love more than life itself, comes around the corner and says, in the meekest, sweetest, and can it be possible most sarcastic nice voice ever, "can any of it be saved?" I want you all to know I said NOTHING. Not one word. Not one breath. Not one word even IN MY HEAD did I say. NOTHING.
I proceeded to sweep and dust bust. And then he said, "The oldest will not be happy about this" and I walk around the corner and away from him because at that moment, I could have easily clobberred him. Once I got back into the pantry to finish up the big clean up, the broom promptly fell on my head. To this I scoffed. It could have been funny if there had been an audience. So I sit down to tell you all this woeful story and within minutes, the cat starts vomitting on the carpet to my right. Her dinner tonight was red tuna. Yep, you got it. Red tuna on the carpet. To which my honey said, "poor baby" with a stabbing smile in my direction.
On that note, I'm going to bed. This day was not meant to be. And it is NOT funny. Don't even smile cause I can see you and revenge is sweet.
While I'm in the pantry, I decide that I will also reorganize the pantry (never mind I was yawning pretty much one right after the other and it was way past the time I should have been in bed given how tired I was). I pick up the vanilla flavoring for milk and it drops from my hands and lands on the ground and spills all over the floor. D! S! @#$###%^%$!!!
My dear sweet husband whom I love more than life itself, comes around the corner and says, in the meekest, sweetest, and can it be possible most sarcastic nice voice ever, "can any of it be saved?" I want you all to know I said NOTHING. Not one word. Not one breath. Not one word even IN MY HEAD did I say. NOTHING.
I proceeded to sweep and dust bust. And then he said, "The oldest will not be happy about this" and I walk around the corner and away from him because at that moment, I could have easily clobberred him. Once I got back into the pantry to finish up the big clean up, the broom promptly fell on my head. To this I scoffed. It could have been funny if there had been an audience. So I sit down to tell you all this woeful story and within minutes, the cat starts vomitting on the carpet to my right. Her dinner tonight was red tuna. Yep, you got it. Red tuna on the carpet. To which my honey said, "poor baby" with a stabbing smile in my direction.
On that note, I'm going to bed. This day was not meant to be. And it is NOT funny. Don't even smile cause I can see you and revenge is sweet.
Grace Guts and Glory
I have learned something new. I have a friend. I good friend. Her name is Tamika. Well, she is more than a good friend. It's hard for me to say it but she is a close friend. I have this trust thing. That isn't my issue with her, ugh, now it sounds like I have an issue with her. I don't. I am a sensitive person. I am. This has been exacerbated by the loss of my son. Tamika I have no issue with you. I said that wrong.
It's hard for me to say because it takes me a long time to really 100% trust someone. It always has. And once that trust is broken, if it ever is, that's it, walk away I'm done. Easy Peezy Lemon Squeezy. Not saying I can't forgive..of course I can. But it will take a LONG time to get it back. That I know.
I'm totally rambling here. What am I trying to say? Either you have the guts to go for the glory or you don't. I'm learning about myself little by little. Piece by piece. He's gone and he died. And the impact of that fact has been far outreaching. Many days I do not want to talk to anyone. Many days I crave to talk about him. And that sucks for those who know me because they don't know where I am.. I am sorry for that. I am sorry to always be saying sorry. I wish I could help you know me and where I am. I wish I weren't the way I am. I still can't change it. I still can't undo what has happened and why I'm at the place I have found myself.
To be witty and funny and thoughtful...sometimes you're just blah and quiet and boring and you can't make something out of nothing. When you are feeling the latter, you can't be the former.
Grace. Quiet knowing. Guts. Flying by the seat of your emotional pants and doing what has to be done to get through life. Glory. Overcoming odds. Going on with your life. Finding the joy in the simple things.
Do I have the strength to do any of it? I think in a way I have. But only in a way. Not fully. I'm still trying. Trying. Grace guts and glory. Somehow, they all tangle together and make sense. That ball of yarn all wound up I referred to before? It's like that. Follow me if you can. I barely can....
We hear it all the time. Tamika just said it to me yesterday. We strong women, God gives us more to handle. The thing we hear is, "God only gives you what you can handle" or something to that effect. What is it? I suppose it's true. I don't like it. It isn't fair. But really, come on now. What in life IS fair? Please, someone tell me.
Give me more guts so I can gracefully try to reach for the glory. Because really people, it's just not happenin'. Tam, thank you. Just thanks.
J
Holy Crap
It's tax time. We have yet to do them. Hell. We have yet to send in our taxes from last year (2004). We don't owe but you'd think we'd have sent them in to get the money back. Ya think?
Holy Crap. I need to sit down and do them. That is that. Get it done and be done with it. Why are we procrastinators? WHY OH WHY?
Holy Crap.
A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer. That is me.
Holy Crap. I need to sit down and do them. That is that. Get it done and be done with it. Why are we procrastinators? WHY OH WHY?
Holy Crap.
A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer. That is me.
Monday, April 03, 2006
This is what I remember...
I remember holding him that morning. I remember rocking him to sleep because the doctors and anesthesiologists were running late. I remember being irritated because I just wanted the surgery to be over because I knew he was hungry. I remember my honey taking a picture of me holding him so close to my chest with Snow White painted on the wall behind us. I remember thinking with a stab of guilt that I should give him to my husband so I could take their pictures. Thank God I did. It's the last picture we had of each other holding him. I remember looking at his sweet little face and wishing I could do it for him. I remember praying everything would be ok. I remember handing him to the nurse and walking down the hall with them to the OR and her telling me to go the other way while she walked away with him. I remember crying so hard and kissing him on the cheek. I remember him crying because he wanted me not this stranger and I know he was so hungry, I know he was. He wanted me and he wanted a bottle. He didn't want what was about to happen to him. I remember going into a side room in the waiting area and crying my eyes out. I remember Ivan asking me why I was crying so hard. It was just a feeling I had. I couldn't explain it.
I remember sitting there on the floor stamping all of his baptism cards for the party we were going to have when he got home. I remember the doctor coming out hours later with a funny look on his face.
The rest is history. If I could scream to the Heavens I would. God Damn it! Why am I re living all of this over and over and over and over and over?
I dont' care about the reasons right now. I don't care about the lessons I was supposed to learn. I dont' care about the positive spin I try to pretend to put on everything this minutes. I dont' care! I'm just mad. I just want him back. I want to just undo it all, unravel the ball that is wound so tightly with all that has happened and let the ball ravel back up a different way.
I'm sorry I just said GD. I'm sorry. I'm just having a time with this.
I remember sitting there on the floor stamping all of his baptism cards for the party we were going to have when he got home. I remember the doctor coming out hours later with a funny look on his face.
The rest is history. If I could scream to the Heavens I would. God Damn it! Why am I re living all of this over and over and over and over and over?
I dont' care about the reasons right now. I don't care about the lessons I was supposed to learn. I dont' care about the positive spin I try to pretend to put on everything this minutes. I dont' care! I'm just mad. I just want him back. I want to just undo it all, unravel the ball that is wound so tightly with all that has happened and let the ball ravel back up a different way.
I'm sorry I just said GD. I'm sorry. I'm just having a time with this.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
White Trees
Ok so either this is a Dogwood Tree or a Pear Tree. I'm not sure. We have both around here and one ends up pink after the white and the other just turns green. I love them both. Imagine rows of these lining the road while you're driving down it. LOVE IT. Literally takes your breath away. I parked and walked up the busy road and took several pictures of these trees. The funny thing is, I'm not really a 'gardener' type person. I will plant things but I totally have to be in the mood and lately I'm not, and usually I'm not. If the inside of my house is in disarray it's not like I'm going to decide to spend loads of time outside planting crap. Ya know? Life has to be just so for me to actually spend time outside planting. If you ever hear me saying I'm going to do that, you'll instinctively know that my 'house' so to speak is in order.
Anyway thought I'd share a picture of this because I've been talking and thinking about them so much lately. When my father was alive, the last (and only) time he came to visit my sister and I, he kept commenting how GREEN everything was here where we live. He lived in Vegas then and I guess everything there is so dry, not too much green. I must say I suppose it's one of the things I like about where we live. Even though I don't consider myself a 'green thumb' type person, I still do recognize beauty in the outdoors. Love to look at it, don't love to plant it. :(
That's me! The quickest way to point B (pay someone else to do it)! :) Kidding, only kidding. Ok, well halfway kidding...
Jenn
Antihistamine
I had to take one yesterday at 4:30 right before we went to Mass. My husband had just cut the grass and I guess it got my allergies rollin or something did...so I took it. I was fine all through church. I felt tired but I had felt tired after that walk pretty much all day so I didn't think anything of it. We came home and while we were eating our dinner, I could tell that everything around me seemed like it was floating. Or I was floating. Suddenly, as I was sharing my food with the littlest (who loves anything we are eating and absolutely demands it now), everytime my hand went to his mouth it felt like my hand wasn't even connected to the rest of my body and I was having trouble coordinating it to get to his mouth. It got there but with much effort. So I said something out loud to indicate I didn't feel right (you know in case anything happened). I don't think at that point I knew or realized it was the antihistamine making me feel weird. It just seemed at that point, to all of a sudden get so intense. Lots of floaty things in the room and I knew it was the littlest's bedtime so I just ended my dinner and started to make his bottle.
I took the Enfamil out of the cabinet which is right in front of the sink and got out what I needed. I went to put it back in the cabinet and could NOT coordinate my hand and arm to get it back in (mind you I only took ONE antihistamine). The halfway mark on the Enfamil container kept slamming onto the bottom of the cabinet (I was slamming it trying to get it in the cabinet). Instead of making it into the cabinet where it belonged, the middle of the container was hitting the bottom of the shelf (like what did I think that it was going to go in anyway despite the huge obstacle it was hitting?)...maybe five or six times and then finally I stopped and slowed down. Of course, I got it in then. I think it took me about 15 seconds (really who knows how long that was) and I decided that was pretty damn funny. Watch out when something is that funny to me. I think my honey and maybe my side of the family are the only ones who have ever seen me laugh like that. Uncontrollably, tears streaming down my face, my entire mouth in the shape of an O for a long time while I can't breathe.....I laughed so hard, I was hurting my stomach. Then my husband (who knows that these fits don't come that often so he completely takes advantage of them when they do) stands up in the other room and puts his hands in the air and makes all these jirations and stupid sounds which only exxacerbates the uncontrolable laughing (and he knows it). He says, "Don't pee your pants!!!" but with a lilt in his voice that really said, "pee your pants!" He's not right! Then he said, "Man I'd hate to see you on real drugs!" Of course all this is only serving to make me laugh harder---how that was possible, I don't know. I can tell you that this morning, my stomach actually hurts like muscle hurt because of that laughing fit. I decided to tell him why I was laughing (big mistake because when you are laughing that hard, the thing that got you to laughing will only make you laugh MORE). So between tears and trying to breathe and laughing, I told him why I was laughing. Then I knew I actually WAS about to pee my pants so I ran to the bathroom where I continued to laugh uncontrollably (yes, all over the I can't put the Enfamil away thing).
I had to force myself to stop laughing or it would have gone on for quite some time. You have to kind of talk yourself down. So I'm in the bathroom, talking to myself, feeling floaty, having bursts of laughing when I'm not strong enough to make it stop, and peeing like a racehorse. I wash my face with COLD water, and keep talking to myself, "stop laughing, you're ok, stop laughing, no more," etc etc. Yes, you are thinking, 'she is crazy'. I am. I am telling you now, I am crazy. ------I get myself in control. I walk out of the bathroom and my husband says, egging me on, "Are you OK honey?" That was it, I started all over again. Damn it! All that work for NOTHING!
Fast forward I get the littlest down and feel like if I don't get to bed in seconds I'm going to crash wherever I lay my head. Made it to bed, didn't get up (but for once in the night to tell my husband that he is lazy for not changing the oldest sheets before he went to bed ---I just could NOT do it, could not even imagine or conjure up all the coordination I would have had to gather for such a task!) until about 15 minutes ago. So that was about 11 hours of straight sleep! OMG!
This is what I want to know.....what the heck was in that one little pill? I've taken them before. In fact, I've had allergies the better part of my life and have taken all KINDS of things for them. So what was it about this one little pill that basically knocked me off my a**?
C R A Z Y !!!!!!!
All better now.
J
ps I wonder if my husband has a different version of what happened last night????
I took the Enfamil out of the cabinet which is right in front of the sink and got out what I needed. I went to put it back in the cabinet and could NOT coordinate my hand and arm to get it back in (mind you I only took ONE antihistamine). The halfway mark on the Enfamil container kept slamming onto the bottom of the cabinet (I was slamming it trying to get it in the cabinet). Instead of making it into the cabinet where it belonged, the middle of the container was hitting the bottom of the shelf (like what did I think that it was going to go in anyway despite the huge obstacle it was hitting?)...maybe five or six times and then finally I stopped and slowed down. Of course, I got it in then. I think it took me about 15 seconds (really who knows how long that was) and I decided that was pretty damn funny. Watch out when something is that funny to me. I think my honey and maybe my side of the family are the only ones who have ever seen me laugh like that. Uncontrollably, tears streaming down my face, my entire mouth in the shape of an O for a long time while I can't breathe.....I laughed so hard, I was hurting my stomach. Then my husband (who knows that these fits don't come that often so he completely takes advantage of them when they do) stands up in the other room and puts his hands in the air and makes all these jirations and stupid sounds which only exxacerbates the uncontrolable laughing (and he knows it). He says, "Don't pee your pants!!!" but with a lilt in his voice that really said, "pee your pants!" He's not right! Then he said, "Man I'd hate to see you on real drugs!" Of course all this is only serving to make me laugh harder---how that was possible, I don't know. I can tell you that this morning, my stomach actually hurts like muscle hurt because of that laughing fit. I decided to tell him why I was laughing (big mistake because when you are laughing that hard, the thing that got you to laughing will only make you laugh MORE). So between tears and trying to breathe and laughing, I told him why I was laughing. Then I knew I actually WAS about to pee my pants so I ran to the bathroom where I continued to laugh uncontrollably (yes, all over the I can't put the Enfamil away thing).
I had to force myself to stop laughing or it would have gone on for quite some time. You have to kind of talk yourself down. So I'm in the bathroom, talking to myself, feeling floaty, having bursts of laughing when I'm not strong enough to make it stop, and peeing like a racehorse. I wash my face with COLD water, and keep talking to myself, "stop laughing, you're ok, stop laughing, no more," etc etc. Yes, you are thinking, 'she is crazy'. I am. I am telling you now, I am crazy. ------I get myself in control. I walk out of the bathroom and my husband says, egging me on, "Are you OK honey?" That was it, I started all over again. Damn it! All that work for NOTHING!
Fast forward I get the littlest down and feel like if I don't get to bed in seconds I'm going to crash wherever I lay my head. Made it to bed, didn't get up (but for once in the night to tell my husband that he is lazy for not changing the oldest sheets before he went to bed ---I just could NOT do it, could not even imagine or conjure up all the coordination I would have had to gather for such a task!) until about 15 minutes ago. So that was about 11 hours of straight sleep! OMG!
This is what I want to know.....what the heck was in that one little pill? I've taken them before. In fact, I've had allergies the better part of my life and have taken all KINDS of things for them. So what was it about this one little pill that basically knocked me off my a**?
C R A Z Y !!!!!!!
All better now.
J
ps I wonder if my husband has a different version of what happened last night????
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Walking...
So today the oldest and the littlest and I went on a walk to the 'big' lake again (it's not really that big). There and back it's about 2 miles. This is the same thing we did last Saturday as well. On our way, this is what we saw:
- 2 bunny rabbits hop hop hopping away
- 10 sparrows (the oldest and I kept count)
- Too many ducks and geese to count (I'd have been fine without the geese thankyouverymuch)
- Beautiful white trees
- two buttercups
- pure white husky dog walking with owner (georgous)
- one white butterfly
Of course there is a story for the white butterfly. We had walked all the way there and not seen one of them. We sat on a bench for about 20 minutes while the boys snacked on 100 calorie Keebler chocolate chip cookies. Still in all that time, never saw one butterfly, let alone a white one. As we headed back I said outloud, "God if you are listening, and Lucas is with us, maybe as a sign you could send us a white butterfly before we get home". The oldest said, "yeah! lets watch for it". We walked. Got halfway to the halfway mark and what do you think? Sure enough, right in our path, a white butterfly flew across us. We both saw it plain as day. I just smiled. I looked at the oldest and he was already smiling. We said nothing. We both knew. No words were even necessary. We walked in silence for the next five minutes or so. I was quietly saying a prayer. You probably know the gist of it. Yep. Very thankful. He's ok. He just is. He's not with me but he's ok. He's got Lucas right in His hands. I know it.
So our walk was wonderful and for more than one reason. . We got awesome excirsise, the littlest loves it, we got tons of fresh air, saw plenty of nature, and we got a visit from our sweet baby in Heaven. Believe me or not, doesn't matter. I believe it. How could I not? That's what I want to know. How could I not....
BTW when I went to WW this morning, I lost 1.4 lbs. I thought it would be two but I expect too much. I also had overestimated my total weight loss but that's probably because about three weeks before I officially started WW I weighed four lbs more than I did when I weighed in for the first time at WW. I have that weight stuck in my head and I have actually counted those pounds (unofficially) as weight lost too even though WW knows nothing of it and it's not documented there. So it's not horribly hard to keep track of but if someone asks me how much I've lost, I feel like I'm fibbing if I say more than WW has tracked but I'm not fibbing, I promise. Anyhow, I'm doing well, slowly it's coming off but doing well overall. It all counts though!
Later today I'll post pix of the pretty white trees I love so much. Too pooped right now. That walk did wear my a** out. ;<)
Jenn
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