Prepare yourself, your child is very sick..

How many times did we hear this when Lucas was in the hospital? Too many to count.

The first time we heard it was the first Saturday after the surgery. We were told to call our family, let them know, Lucas was going to die. Tell them to come to the hospital. I remember feeling sick, I thought I was going to literally vomit all over the floor. The world was spinning completely out of control. What went wrong? What was happening? I remember holding on to my husband so tightly. We were both crying, I felt nauseous and thought my insides were going to burst and shrivel at the same time. It was like we were in a time warp and nothing was in focus. Nothing. All I wanted to do was go hold him. But I knew they were fighting to save his life. There were so many nurses and doctors tending to him, I couldn't get in there if I tried. I was just his mom. They were trying to save his life. They won out. I could only stand and watch as they poked and prodded and injected chemicals into his body; all in one effort to help him live, to win the current battle. ---Lucas won that battle that day. When you are told your child is going to die and to prepare yourself, there could be no harder words to hear. There are no harder words to hear.

All told, we would hear, "Lucas is going to die today or tonight" a total of four to five times. It did not get easier each time we heard it. It was more of a shock than the last time. I never numbed to hearing it. Sometimes it pissed me off. It always saddened me. That is an understatement to say the least.

The last time the Doctors told us that Lucas was going to die was two weeks before he actually passed away. It was on July 31st. It just so happens that my husbands father passed away on that same day five years earlier. The doctor that spoke to us was rather terse. His bedside manner was lacking at best. It was late at night, Lucas had a very intense and tough day. He was getting sicker. We still couldn't see it. Wouldn't let ourselves see it. He said to us, "Lucas is going to die tonight." So cold. So unfeeling. I stood there so angry. Angry at the world but letting myself aim it at him. Angry at God but aiming it straight at the doctor standing in front of us. Thinking he should be more kind, more caring, a little softer about it all. He was not. He was quite hurtful. There's something to be said for honesty, I get that. But downright coldness, that is different. It was no matter to him. He was being factual and forthright and completely overlooking that he was talking to two parents who were hoping, praying, wishing for a miracle for their little boy. He was completely overlooking that we were so fragile. Lucas was so fragile. We were hanging on by the thinnest of threads and THAT is the absolute truth. I remember so vividly that my husband looked at that doctor and said these words so clearly, so strongly, and he was my hero at that moment, once again. He said, "I know that God will not take him from us on this night, I know it, so no matter what you say he will live through this night." The doctor said to him, "what makes you say that?" and Ivan looked him dead in the eyes and said, "my father died this night five years ago, and God would not allow this to happen again on the same day, it's too cruel". The doctor fell utterly silent. He looked at the ground. I wanted to yell. I wanted to scream at him and tell him to leave the room. All I could do was hold Lucas' hand and cry at his bedside. ----The doctor said a very silent "I'm sorry" and I think he may have patted my husband's shoulder in sympathy and walked out of the room. I could not believe this was happening to my son. I didn't realize it at the time but he was holding on just for us. Just waiting for us to realize how very sick he was. Waiting for us to see that it was his time to go. It took two more weeks for me to allow my eyes to fully open to his pain.

The day he died started with an ounce of hope. It was only an ounce. I had been seeing, I had begun to realize what was happening. He was telling me, yelling silently that it was time. He was so strong yet had fallen so weak. His little body was broken but his spirit was ready to soar. He was waiting patiently. That morning I laid beside him in his bed. I talked to him and whispered in his ear that I loved him. That his Daddy loved him and that Noah loved him. I played Noah's voice in the tape one more time. I wanted him to hear his voice. Noah was down the hall with a nurse in the activity room but he was oblivious to what was happening. I told him to go with God, we were ready. Take His hand and not to hold on for us anymore. My husband told him the same thing unbeknownst to me, later after I did. Lucas would die less than an hour later. He waited for us to be 'ok' with it. To let him go.

When the doctor came in to witness his death, as his heart slowed to almost no beat, I stood by his side. I uttered almost nothing until the moment came. I felt I wanted to come out of my skin. I wanted to vomit again. I wanted to die. I wanted to go with him. I went over to the window and I looked up at the sky. I needed to see his spirt rise up. I needed to scream at God. I needed Lucas healthy. He finally was gone. It was done. He was at peace.

The path we have taken since then has been a long and winding one. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. The death of a child is heavy. It can tear you apart if you let it-if you are not strong enough to stand up to it, it will. Limb from limb and shred by shred till you are nothing. I did not choose that path. That would have been sadder than his death. God knows my heart is good. He knows my anger was born from ignorance. I still do not understand one bit of what happened. I'm thankful that through my writing, I have been able to heal and let it out. If I didn't have this, if I were a person who could not read or write, I would be in big trouble. I would have truly fallen apart. Like a mother lioness I tried to protect him. I only relented when I finally took the time to listen to his quiet signs.

I miss him so much yet life has taken a different road now. He matters so much that in all I do, he is in it. He is why I adore J so much. He is why I cherish N so much. He is why my marriage is more important; now more than ever. --When you hear the words, "prepare yourself, your child is not going to make it" dig your heels in and steel yourself. I pray you never hear those words. I pray it. I had no idea, absolutely zero idea what we were in for on April 22, 2003. There has to be a reason for all of this. We will find the silver lining. It may not be until we are standing before God but we will find it. In this I trust.....

J

Love that....

Young Padawan Learner!The eyes have it...
My happy baby..
I think how lucky we are. The oldest and the youngest-and especially the one in between. How lucky are we?

Off to enjoy the rest of this Sunday; whatever is left of it anyway.

J

I should do this more often....

So I went away to a city about an hour or so away, driving distance but not too far with my sister on Friday night. We were gone almost exactly 24 hours. I left the boys behind, stayed overnight and all. The whole things a long story; we had fun but in the end, right before it was time to leave, I sort of panicked. What in the WORLD was I doing leaving them all behind?

Guess what? I came home to a clean house, some laundry had been done (many exclamation points to this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), boys fed and littlest one in bed already, and WOW. I should do this more often I'm thinking! :) Well, maybe not, because I don't think it's fair to the one who's left to do it all but I'm also thinking, 'hey, I do it all a LOT, so a small break for once is ok'.

Love that. Love him. Love my boys. Love Love Love; with a capital L. ;<)

-J

PS ------McDreamy alert tonight at 10:00. I'm all about it.

Torn

I feel so torn about leaving J on the days he goes to 'school' (daycare/we call it school). Today I popped in for a quick visit and had to make myself leave even though I did not want to. I almost started crying. I probably confused him by doing that and so I likely won't do that again. N did not have that demeanor when he was a baby. I stopped in to see him all the time and he was fine with it. J is so happy when he's with me and I am too. So stopping in was probably in the end, detrimental to the rest of his day. It was for me.

It's a constant push and pull. It's good for him to be around other people, in the end, it will teach him excellent socialization skills and also comfort in learning different people and their personalities etc. But it's so hard to leave him.

Just a mamma wanting to be with her little one. They are only babies once. Then they are only in elementary school once and so forth and so on. Is it worth it to do what I do?

torn..

sickness..

I feel sicknesses coming on. I just feel it. Crankiness abound, rosy cheeks, very tired are we all.

We had a light dusting of snow again this morning. How it can go from 70 to 30, I do not know. Up and down up and down goes the thermometer.

I am spraying Lysol and washing my hands like a maniac. No sick kids! No sick kids! Say it with me now......


---J

Compliments of my Aunt-Ode to Grey's

I will share with you this wonderful poem written by my Aunt D. It is her original work so if you copy or take from it, be sure to give her credit. Kay? Here goes! I LOVE it. She sent this with a copy of the Season One DVD for Grey's. So the poem goes with the arrival of the DVD to put it all in context for you...

A Valentines Day Ode to Grey's Anatomy

As you can see, this gift is late,
It had a certain release date.

Valentine's Day...how very clever,
A perfect day for the best show EVER!

Every Sunday we hope the day simply flies,
Just to watch McDreamy stare into Meredith's eyes.

Does Addison Shephard really love this man?
Or is it a way to destroy Meredith's plan?

We think she is evil and he is so good,
Trying to make it work...yes I guess he should.

But wait, why is she allowed to make a mistake,
And then waltz back in to make their hearts break?

We all love this show..It's very sick I do fear,
So in between Sunday's lets watch the first year!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So we're all a little wacky over this show as you can see. --- I can't wait to dig into the first season even though I've already seen every single episode....what fun to watch it over and over again. ;<)

Thanks Aunt D!

Love Jenn

Maintaining

I did not lose one single ounce nor did I gain one single ounce. Do you know how that really ticks me off? Imagine me with my arms tightly and squarely folded across my chest with a big fat "hmph" coming out of my mouth and my right foot tapping impatiently like a little child right now. *%^###@$****!!!!!

This cannot be good.

Now, let me admit to you that although I was very concious of everything that went in my mouth last week and ate NO FAST FOOD whatSOEVER, I did not TRACK my points. Clearly, this is a componet of success. So V, listen up, learn from me. You can think you are being good and in fact, you can BE good with what you eat. But unless you are absolutely sure you are eating every single last point that you are allotted, then you will not lose. If you don't eat all of your points (or can't prove it because you did not write it all down) then your body might think you are trying to starve yourself and hold onto all the excess it would have otherwise given up if properly nourished. I am lecturing you AND me. Mostly, I'm lecturing ME.

The woman who weighed me in actually said, "what did you think you'd do this week, lose or gain?" I could've knocked her block off. LOSE!! Ya think? I guess some people are in maintaining mode ya ya ya. I'm NOT.

Venting complete. Tracking beginning (again). Lesson learned. Everyone-not a word. Hush it. ;<)

-J

Why bother?

I am so utterly disgusted right now. I hate food. I hate that I want to eat. I hate it all.

I love food. I love to eat. I love it all.

I am so tortured. Why is this so hard? I have been watching my points, very concious of what I'm eating and yet, I feel no progress. I'll know when I weigh in tomorrow but I have weighed myself twice in the last 24 hours (clearly BIG mistake) and I feel like crying.

Cry me a river.

--I could spit.

Jenn

Encore!

There is an encore of Grey's tonight of the second half of the show where the bomb explodes and McDreamy comes all the way over to Meredith's house just to say, "I'm glad you didn't die today." UGH! Where's the kiss? Where's the taking her in his arms and throwing caution to the wind because he didn't lose her? Why didn't he come straight to his senses and realize that OMG I could've lost you and now I see the light?

I will much more calmly watch this show (repeat) and take in all the new details that I might have missed because I was sitting on pins and needles the whole time waiting waiting waiting for something to happen with them. I have stated on a previous occasion to my Aunt that they will wait till the end of the season to bring them back together. I'm still betting on that BUT I would love it if they did it sooner. This show so totally ROCKS. If you do not watch it, I promise you, you will love it. Tune in just once and see what I mean. LOVE IT. There is so much going on at once and you are just rooting for everyone. Kay. I'll stop.

Totally different subject (COS)-why do all the Olympian skaters and skiers who are touted to possibly bring home the gold falling down or spazzing out? I can't take it. ------------AND another COS, sorry M for upsetting you today. I was upset enough on my own, should not have sucked you into it too. It just all came out, I could feel it was and couldn't stop it when it did. Love you.

Off to get the bed bug into bed ;<) so I can cozy up for Grey's. And watch out because on SUNDAY, the previews are totally OMG!

hugs
J

Laundry!!!

There is laundry up the wazoo. Laundry to put away, laundry to fold, laundry to wash and laundry everywhere you look. It drives me NUTS. Does it ever end? Just when you have every single thing in the house washed, folded and put where it belongs, within days it's back in the cycle.

I can't think for all the laundry!

I had a super intense dream last night that I died and went to Heaven. I was in Heaven. It was the most intense dream I've ever had that I can remember. In lieu of writing about THAT I'm telling you about my laundry woes. It's better like that.

Anyone have any tips? Good LORD.

--J

Lucas to Jacob

This exact age to the day is the same day that Lucas had his surgery. So how old Lucas was when he had that fateful surgery that we thought would fix his little heart is exactly how old Jacob is now. -----

How do I feel about that? How do I feel that on that night prior to, at exactly midnight, I fed Lucas his very last bottle? I remember that vividly. Sitting in our room, in the pitch dark, with Ivan sound asleep, waking Lucas up just to feed him so he could get the most in him he could before not 'eating' for a few days (except for IV stuff). I distinctly remember feeling like I was giving him something good. It felt perfect, feeding him, not thinking it was the last time ever, listening to Ivan breathing and holding Lucas in my arms giving him nourishment. It was calm and still but perfect. I was nervous about the next morning and a little on the edge. My whole world was about him and making sure he was ok. It was the last time I would ever feed him like that again. The very last time. I got so caught up in that in the following days, the last time he ate, didn't he need to eat again?, wasn't he hungry? I would cry and ask the doctors. I was fixated on the fact that it was getting further and further away from the last time I fed him a bottle. I had no idea that they were probably inwardly pitying me. How stupid I was to not know that he was too busy fighting for his life to worry about getting more milk. I didn't get it. And you know what? I didn't. We didn't know 1/10th of what we needed to know yet.

And now.....we have this sweet little boy Jacob here who I'd do ANYTHING for. He's proving to be a little bit of a spit fire but that's ok. His little personality is coming out and it's amazing to watch. This is the stuff of life. I feel like we have come full circle in some strange way. I can't believe we have been through the things we have but then it's all been lessons learned. --

I don't know, this is too deep for me right now. He' s on my mind heavily. Today was draining on it's own note and this has been playing on my mind in tandem with all else. I can't properly express what I'm feeling. It's best to sign off. If I keep writing, none of will make sense and it's probably bordering on that now.

Damn that surgeon..

The best moment of your day...

I have been inspired. What are we to do? Live our best life? How big is THAT picture? How do we do that? If we are in stuck mode, how to get out? It starts small. It's gotta start small, this is what I'm thinking. It's up to us and only we (you and me but individually) can make it happen. I think if I wanted a change in my life and I left it up to anyone else, that would be my mistake. I know for a fact I want to change my life in about two years. I am looking forward to it. BUT when that time comes, is anyone going to do it for me? Uh uh. Just me. If I let the time pass and do nothing, do not make the change, I will be disappointed in myself. This does tie in to the best moment of the day. Maybe if we take stock of our days, we will see if we are headed in the right direction----

My best moment of this day was when I gave Noah his Valentine present. First I gave him a shirt for Spirit Day at his school. He smiled big and gave me a kiss. Next I gave him a Spider Man night light for his room at night. He sucked in his breath and said, "THANKS mom!" with a big smile and another kiss. Then I gave him a Power Ranger and he jumped up and ran over to the living room saying THANKS MOM, THANKS MOM! But then he said, "You really know how to make people happy! Thanks mom!" I just looked at him and shook my head with a smile back. You have to be ready for moments like that. Genuine appreciation from a child.

The moment meant this to me: You are raising your child right. Keep it up.

What was the best moment of your day?

Valentines Day

I dedicate this day to my husband. He says he's supposed to honor me today but I feel the same towards him. A long time ago, he promised me the 'ride of my life'. I loved that the moment he first said it. It sounded so adventurous, so mystifying, so wonderful. I can honestly say, thus far has really been quite a ride. It has been all that I thought it would be and more. Much much more.

--Do we have our differences? Oh yes.
--Do we love each other? Madly.
--Do we agree on how to raise the boys? Mostly (but from time to time I have to pull the kid out of him-).
--Do we support each of our hopes and dreams? You bet.

He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. He makes me livid. He teaches me new things. He is a very wonderful daddy. He still makes my heart flutter. I believe it's called passion. There is no way you will ever agree on everything and some things in life are just not important enough to continue to make an issue over. It's called acceptance. You just accept the other person for who they are and move on. It's a good trait to have if you can do it. I have had to learn it. It's very worth it.

He's a funny man. He's my funny Valentine. It doesn't feel like we've been married for eleven plus years, sometimes it feels shorter and sometimes it feels longer. Mostly it feels just right. Like a perfect fit. He fills me up and I'm so thankful I found my soul mate in him. It's quite the perfect ride if I do say so myself.

Happy Valentines Day!

Jenn

OMG! This SHOW!!

OK ok ok, so maybe there's a little TV in all of us. Maybe a little more in me. Maybe it's a great escape...

I LOVE Grey's Anatomy. Maybe it's the unfinished relationship between the two main characters. Could be that but the script is written so well. Absolutely LOVE it. And George? He's like the little guy that you couldn't keep down. Kinda cute but very sweet and I know one season we'll get to follow a love interest of his, just waiting for it. After the show tonight, I fell asleep. Just now woken by the sweet little one who needed settling in. As I was tending to him, I groggley realized that I had been dreaming about the main character, Meredith. There was this whole other plot line and it was good, she had a different name but it was her and I guess my mind was racing with all the drama; crazy. I could literally now sit and write it out for them, it would make a good plot twist..

So last year I told myself when I was pregnant with the baby that I would stop watching the first shows of the season for all these shows. It kind of worked back then. If you miss the FIRST show, you are much less invested to waste further time. I needed my sleep, desparately. Grey's Anatomy was one I allowed myself. Sucks it's on at ten but it's very worth it. Now I'm addicted, big time. But I also forgot to tell myself the don't watch the first show of the season thing this fall. Damn. Now there's 24 and MUCH LESS of Alias. I must admit. Now that Vaughn is gone, it's really, just not the same show. Just not. Not to rant on about each show I watch, nothing earth shattering about any of it, it's just TV for Heaven's sake. Good TV though. I try to just stick to the good ones. Wasteful isn't it? TV?

Tonight the biggest boy, the oldest, was finishing his 100 day project, I was helping him. We had the TV off actually. I do that a lot when he's around. Just turn it off. He doesnt' mind or even care when we are engaged in something. It felt good. Just quiet. No music, no TV, just our banter. Maybe I was saving up for tonight. I do watch Desparate every now and then but I don't at all live and die by it. Now Grey's??? That I do.

LOVE IT. McDreamy? LOVE HIM. Grey with McDreamy? LOVE IT MORE. Now now, it's just TV. Self, it's just TV. ;<)

--J

I wish he knew..

--how important it is for me to really succeed in losing weight.
--that I have now realized I am doing this for me.
--that no matter the cost being successful at this one thing -- it really matters to me. For lots and lots of reasons; it really matters to me. I cannot fail. Well, I don't want to fail. I know I cannot and will not lose it all at once, I've already proved that. It is taking me a while. That doesn't mean I am a failure. He does not think I am a failure, he's never even indicated that, don't get me wrong. I'm telling myself that, mentally talking this through.
--how much his encouragement mattered to me.
--how much his attempted dissuasion upsets me.

It's nice he loves me the way I am. Some men are hurtful to their wives. He is not. He loves me just like this. So what am I complaining for? I have no idea. It's hard to do it on your own and it makes it so easy to not do what you know you are supposed to do if that person is not pushing you to do the right thing (because they love you the way you are). It's twisted.

I have tried to explain. Maybe I'm not communicating it right. I just wish he knew..

Jenn

Too much

Sometimes people surprise me. Give me, give me, give me. How can I get away in this life with doing the least amount possible and get the most I can? Why does it amaze me?

I have recently come across someone who embodies a pretty selfish nature and it's so in your face that it can't be missed. That's why I always think, in order to really GET life, you have to have actually endured a tragedy. A tragedy in some shape or form; truly lost something that mattered to you. If you haven't gone through that, then in my opinion, you don't get it yet.

I'll stop, I'll get down off my soap box before I say something I will regret.

_________

_____________

__________________

________________________Stepping down now.

Now on the ground.

--J

Stubble????????????????

My son. My sweet wonderful son who is so smart and SO sassy :) has asked me a question. Would you like to know what he has asked me?


This morning, as he was getting ready to dress himself for school, he looked at me and said, "Mom, when am I going to get morning stubble?"

I almost choked on my own spit. I turned around so my back was to him and I got myself right. I took the crooked smile off my face and did one of those Jim Carey things were he gets all the wiggles out (and demons and what not) and then turned back around to face him. Face the question, really.

"Morning stubble??" I say, "What's that? I'm a girl, I don't know this stuff."

He just smiles a boyish all knowing smile and says, "You know, when you grow wiskers and have to cut them off every day. You never heard of that?"----Oh I just hugged the boy. What to say? What to do? Of course, it's just about shaving, I know. It's SO not the end of the world. But it's the beginning folks, the very beginning of growing up. Really growing up. This is happening right in front of my eyes. I told him he was too young to worry about that stuff, he's got at least 10-11 more years before any of that. He told me that was a LOOOOONG time. Yep. That's right, it's a LONG time. I casually ask him who he learned about 'morning stubble' from, Daddy? No, it was Uncle T. Thanks Uncle T! :) Of course, I go running down the hall to share the cute story with my honey and he was as surprised as me, "where'd he learn that?" so blah blah blah I tell him the story. I'm thinking he won't share it with his Daddy so I will.

Later in the morning while we are all downstairs, he asks his Daddy when he will get morning stubble. DOH! Was my answer not GOOD ENOUGH? I get it, I get it, I'm a girl, he's a guy. Self----get prepared. This is all I'm sayin. How we handle these touchy things (and then when the topic of icky girls comes up the same thing) will truly affect how they think, handle, and react to certain important situations OR how they view "growing up" in general. Nice and easy, take it slow, don't let em' see you laugh. What's that commercial???? Don't let them see you SWEAT!

all because of stubble. Life. It's crazy.

--J

Do ya ever??

Do you ever catch yourself (when you are alone) watching TV and then realize you have a big silly A** grin on your face? Like, the thing you are watching is funny or makes you smile and then it goes off and a commercial comes on and suddenly the muscles in your face are hurting? Then you realize, 'I have this big silly smile pasted on my face and the funny thing is gone!". The muscles are hurting because it's still plastered on my face. Like I forgot to stop smiling or something.....just kept right on smiling. Then you feel silly for smiling (or laughing as the case may be) and you're all alone?

I'm such a dork.

I'm telling you...big dorko.

----J

HoodWinked

I took Noah for a Mommy/Noah date today to see this movie. Just he and I. Daddy stayed home with the little tinker. I think we were 'HoodWinked'. This movie was sub par to say the least. I thought (in my very humble opinion) that it was not well made and didn't even come close to rising to the occasion of a Shrek type movie as it has been touted I think. Not made by Disney so not that kind of quality. Not made by DreamWorks I don't think and not made by the other big company what is it...Oh I can't think of it but we stayed to watch the credits to see who the voices were and the company that made it, I was like, "Huh?"---sort of explained the movie. Never heard of them.

There was a plot but barely. Andy Dick was the voice of the bad guy and I had him figured out pretty quickly. It was fun to be out with Noah and I'm sure he enjoyed the movie but if you have your choice---skip it. The kids will not remember this one as a super one.

And then there's the really really funny part. Noah and I were sharing popcorn. The guy asked me if we wanted butter, I said yes. Big mistake. Halfway through the movie, I irritadedly (is that a word) noticed that my right hand, particularly my fingers kept having butter on them. I kept wiping it with a napkin but wasn't really focusing on how many times till I really became irritated with it. I looked down in the dark and focused on my hand, it was all buttery/oily. Then I looked down further at my pants. They looked soaked. OMG. They were soaked with BUTTER! Can you believe that? The guy put so much butter that it leaked through to the legs/s of my pants. !!!!!!!!! NOT funny. I actually left Noah in there and went straight to find a manager. What would I say? It wasn't their fault but still I was so livid. I thought my pants were ruined. ----fast forward. I washed them, they were fine. That was probably the funniest part of the whole dang movie.

Just my tiny little advice.....

Don't get hoodwinked into spending your thousand dollars at THAT movie. ;)

Jenn

The Norm..

It's so easy to want to just automatically write about the pain and sadness I/we have in our lives. The challenge is in trying to break away from that mold. The challenge is in expressing the other things I have flying through my scary head. ----

There are a couple of other "blogs" that I have found I've been drawn to. I don't have a lot of extra time and don't think I just sit in front of the computer, hours on end sucked into this strange world. I don't. I don't even have that kind of time. However if I have an extra 4-5 minutes or so, I'll check them out. It's the same. It's all the same. I find reading those makes me more aware of how I might be perceived. Sort of like seeing yourself through a house of mirrors; from all angles. It's so much easier, it's the comfort zones of all comfort zones to talk about what is on the tip of our tongues, the pain that is brimming there. Not all the same pain, all for different reasons, but it's there. It's there out in the open for anyone to see, hear, and read. I don't want to be that way. I try so hard to pepper this blog with normal, happy, and reality (my pain).

What is the norm? For you? For me? ...........................

I think I'm defined by the fact that I'm a mom. That much I know. Is that good or bad? I don't know. It is what it is. Noah told me tonight after I went to hug and pick him up that, "mom even though I'm growing up, I'll still always be your little baby". Jacob absolutely looks to me for his every comfort. What could be better? I ask you...

When I think about later, when the kids are grown and it's just Ivan and I, that is exciting to me but not because the boys won't be here, because it'll be a new phase of our lives. THAT to me is exciting. BUT even more than that is raising these boys. So, the way I look at it, we have a pretty good life. Sure I could find out I have a horrible disease or some awful cancer and I might one day, you never know. I'm not denying that would knock me to my knees blah blah blah BUT even what this life has held till now; I've been pretty lucky. Even with the horrible loss of Lucas, I have to say, I've been pretty lucky.

I know I'm rambling; trying to make sense of what is running through my mind and trying to tie all this together! Is there such a disease that puts too much in your head and makes it hard to sort through ALL the time? Constantly analyzing every angle, every what if, every past decision....it exhausts me. I won't cry and complain and make this a downer blog. If my reality for the moment is a 'downer' then it is. Just know I'm always trying to do better, to do the right thing...to BE better. I am.

How's that for twisted?

Jenn

No time for nothin'

I am looking around this house and I just can't.

The baby is sick and that's all. Nothing else matters yet I can't stand to see it all.

When I have time to sit and process my thoughts I will return but for now, there's no time for nothin'. Just him.

---J