It's the Little Things..

Do you realize how tiny our world is? Yes, it's big, we think it's huge, it seems enormous. Really though, it's a small world. We've heard it a thousand times, "It's a small world isn't it?". We are everything yet we are nothing. We are a speck on the canvas of life. And think how an ant feels. Whenever I see that image from space that looks like the Eye of God...I know just how small we all are; how small this Earth truly is.

HOWEVER, I say all that to say to you, that life is wonderful. Life is hard. Life is worth it; worth all you must go through to get to the good stuff. I look for the little things. It's the little things that can make our days. If we are constantly searching for the big things, the big stuff, we'll be searching for the invisible lining; we'll never see it. Wanna know why? Cause we'll be so busy looking for the 'big' stuff, the one 'thing' (see previous post on 'things'), that our eyes will miss the little things, the wonderful little things.

Today we had a very nice time with family and friends to celebrate my husbands upcoming birthday. It was very low key and just nice. It was a little thing. But it was such a big thing. I don't think I have ever loved him more. We are at this point in our life where we have much to look forward to. We have much to remember. We are not old but we sometimes feel very old. So many memories, so many super, fantastic things, and of course, the hardest things one can imagine. And there's trust. Trust, it can be a little thing, a something to take for granted, it's assumed it's just there. I like it better when it's a little thing. It can whisper in the winds but when it's needed, when it's necessary, it's voice can come pounding in your ears, louder than twenty trains.

--The Eye of God. Look closely at that picture....it's multi faceted, it's looking at me, is it looking at you? It's quite beautiful.

Jenn

CTS

Another family coined acronym; CTS. What pray tell does it mean? Let me tell you...

It means Conquer The Store. Where did it come from pray tell? Let me tell you...

My youngest sister had this disease. It was awful, hideous, it transformed her face at times even. It made her go into jirations in public places. It made my mother run and hide!

My son has contracted this disease from my sister. It runs in the family and only attacks those under the age of ten. It binds to their brain cells and changes their personality. It makes them writhe in real pain over the desire of a 'thing'. It is a horrible disease. The only known cure is the word NO. There are no pills. There is not a shot. There isn't even a prescribed method of treatment; except for the word NO. Let me tell you what the word NO does to someone who has this horrible, debilitating disease, CTS. It sends them into WORSE convulsions, fits, and tantrums. It makes for a sure scene. People will look and stare. They will think you have just attempted to do some horrible physical damage to your child. They will surely click their tongues and shake their heads at you as they pass you slowly and stare. You must have the guts of ten armies to take this from someone you do not even know. You must and I repeat you MUST stand your ground. For if you don't, if you cave, your child will have the one thing they want from you most (or so they think)----they will have CONTROL.

Now, I must tell you that recently (well back in October; still fairly recent) my youngest sister did me a huge grand favor. We were in a store all together. My entire family. Grammy, Granpa, all the sisters, husbands and kids. All of us. My oldest son who very clearly has this disease was trying to do the thing-he was trying to Conquer the Store. I did my thing-I told him NO. The word did it's thing-sent him into a fit. I looked at my youngest sister and I said to her, "Sister, please pass on your knowledge about CTS to my oldest son and tell him why it isnt' good, PLEASE (I also believe I prefaced it with, "please don't be offended")!" She did a good job and he relented. I think he still got a chapstick that night *thank you Uncle T* but he didn't get the 'thing' he wanted. Really, the thing does not matter, it's kind of the the commercial for EBAY, with the "IT" and the IT being anything you want it to be. That is what the THING is.

Watching childrens TV, any kids show, they fill the commercials with you must have you should get you will love---this THING. And then I hear, "Mom can I have ???? My answer? Either silence (ignoring works well too) or NO.

Will the horrible debilitating disease of CTS ever really go away? Me thinks, no. It won't. We parents, we like to do what's easy and that is to say YES. Why do the hard thing? It's too hard. Saying yes will quell any fits of anger, any tides of tears, and most of all, it will keep the child happy. It will keep them happy right up until they are an adult and cannot discern reality and the value of a dollar from a hole in the ground. They'll be really happy then won't they? Of course, we want our children to be happy and have what they want? What parent doesn't want that? I look for the line in the sand. When I see it approaching, I know to put up my dukes and get out the bag of cement. I go look for a bucket of water and a mixing tool. I am ready. Bring it on.

:>) This has been a mostly true story brought to you with all guts. No glory.

Jenn

4 a.m. rantings..

I'm tired; exhausted and yet here I am. Maybe trying to make myself tired. Jaco woke up slightly fussy at 3 and I've not been able to go back to sleep since. He wasn't crying, I didn't have to even pick him up, just rub his little head, re cover him back up and he went into his usual reverse fetal position. He's been sleeping ever since. I have not.

So my oldest son will be tested for the gifted program at school very soon. We have already done our part, now he tests for it and we'll see. You'd be amazed at the questions I had to answer about him. Those were some very 'dig deep' type questions. Sure you know your child but my goodness-you don't usually (I think) analyze him up one side and down the other. As anal as I am, at least I don't. I have now though. Analyzed him thouroughly...thanks to that questionare the parents were required to complete.

One thing I've recently realized is that he and my husband think the same. They have that same 'math' mind that I was not blessed with. At all. I am a free thinker. I love writing. I love to be creative. If you put a somewhat difficult puzzle in front of me, I spazz out and get overwhelmed quickly and everything feels desparately out of control. Not these two. He got a gift for Christmas that is amazing. It's the simplest type of puzzle yet it can be very complicated. It makes you think ahead, proactively and know what your moves are going to be so you can make your move now. Probably doesn't make sense but basically, it's critical thinking. There are different levels, beginner, intermediate, difficult and expert (I think those are the levels anyway). Noah did one or two easy ones and jumped immediately to expert as if it was a breeze. I tried the easiest level and couldn't do it. Now stupid I am not. Felt very stupid after trying that. My husband comes along and suddenly, they are off in their own world, not even going by the set up cards they give you but making up their own crazy ridiculous hard puzzles and solving them, challenging each other. I just look at them; whatever. Finally, tonight, after dinner, I quietly without telling them, set up my own easy puzzle and tried to really figure it out on my own without any comments from the peanut gallery. It took my a little longer (well a lot longer) than it would have them but I solved it and completed it. Kay. That was the EASY level. Uh huh. --- So then later, we're all watching American Idol and he comes up with this crazy hard one (at least visually it looked undoable to me) and says figure this out, it's easy (he used no card, just made it up), it has to do with THIS piece right here, Mom. So I move about six or seven pieces and lo and behold I figured it out. My six year old son says to me, "Good job Mom, that's not the way I would have done it but that was another way" I just look at him blankly. Is this role reversal or what? So he proceeds to show me HIS way, (in his mind, the RIGHT way). Oy.

Go on with your bad self I say to both of them. I get scared when I think of the math or science that child might bring home. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it....

I'm off to try this sleepin' thing again. :)

Jenn
PS Val-Good job and keep it up! aqua aqua aqua, kay? Love you!

My beautiful boy

Need I say more? Really. No words this time. Now that's a first.

--J

We can be a funny people..

When it's time to grieve, we either grieve or pretend we don't need to.

There was a family here locally who have very recently felt the solid rock of tragedy. A father and two sons went fishing. The mom stayed behind. The three of them got in trouble on the boat and all drowned and died. This woman is now left alone. In one fell swoop, she has none of them. She saw them off, all happy and healthy, all going to bond on a fun fishing trip. There was no warning. There were no sick children. No preparation. Just a normal day. Just like that, a very un normal day. I saw her face on the news. Such pain. I had to look away. I know a glimpse of that pain yet mine to me is so immense. Hers is times three. It takes your breath away.

Not said with any degree of flipness, but on the other side of the coin, when we are happy, it changes everything. It can make our outlook on life shine brighter than a penny. Just like that, things are good and all is well. I think it makes folks forget what they might have learned in the heart of the sad or difficult times. Those of us who have had children who are born with defects or challenges look at life much differently than parents of perfectly healthy children. It simply puts a different perspective on life. Plain and simple.

Maybe the thing that makes us a funny people is our emotions. Some people know how to handle them and some are emotionally inept and some just do ok with them. I think I fall into the last category, I just do ok. I just do the best I can. What else can you do? Every day brings something different and I truly do learn something new about life every day.

Can I flawlessly pass that knowledge on to my children? Probably not flawlessly, not seamlessly, but that is the goal. I have so much to say about some things that have happened recently with my oldest son. Maybe another day. I'm still to busy trying to process it all, trying to process the depth of his emotions. So much is coming out of him even more now than ever before about his brother. So much. And he isn't only letting it out around me now, he's opening up around Ivan now. The trick is, what would happen if he had such a breakdown around other adults, someone at school, another parent, someone at the after school thing? How would they react? How would they handle it? Would we brush it aside and say, "oh it's ok, don't cry" NO! We DO want him to cry if he wants to, let it out if he needs to, express himself, in only the way a six year old can. We DO want him to know it's ok to say how he feels. Don't brush it under the rug.

But then, we're a funny people, either you're going to allow yourself and others to grieve, or you're not. And lets face it, it's not a pretty package and there is no perfect formula. It can take as long as it takes. I can tell you, it takes as long as it takes. That much is true.

--J

Low

I have just come from my oldest son's school. Helped out a little with a class centers day. As I was leaving, I walked slowly down the hall to take in the art the children had done. It was proudly displayed for all to see. One of the art projects they had done was "New Year's Wish" and the children all had silly wonderful innocent child like wishes. One wished for no more school. One wished for every day to be Saturday. One wished for ice cream for every meal. I even saw where one wished for no bed times. Then I came across my son's paper. Everything went into very slow motion right then. He had drawn a picture of a tall bed (like a hospital bed) with a baby in it and an angel floating over it --with what looked like an IV pole beside it. There was a long doorway that he had drawn that had yellow crayon marks all around it like the rays of the sun. These were the words he wrote.

I wish for my brother because I miss him so much. I hope he is having fun and happy and eating healthy too.

The tears were falling silently. What child is this? My child. There are no words to describe how I feel right now.

You know, it comes out of nowhere. It just does. It's like I'm gliding along in life and all is well (or my version of well) and then something happens to throw me off of my axis. It could be a big tilt or a small one. I will tell you that I fully believe Lucas is no longer sick. This helps me to be alright with his absence. I know God has him carefully in his hands. That makes it better. I didn't need Lucas to die. At least, I don't understand why God felt the need to take him. Maybe He thought we needed it to have something else happen. It precipitated Jacob's birth. Was I supposed to love harder? Love more passionately my next child? Was I not loving Lucas the right way? No, of course not. Do I love Jacob harder, more infinately, more passionately? Yes. I think I needed to go through that so I could stop. Stop running so fast, stop running through life and not cherishing what I was supposed to. That's what it made me do. I now relish in my time with Jacob. I now realize how precious his laugh is as he is laughing. I now look in those eyes and actually wonder, "What part of him is in you?" His eyes are so deep. So knowing. But I also thought that of Lucas.

Every mother is blessed with her children and they all bring something so perfect, so wonderful to this world. Something unique and precious. My three sons, they have brought me so much joy in so many ways on so very many levels. While I'm feeling a bit sad right now, I know something will come around the corner and I'll be ok. Because I am ok. No matter what life throws at me, I am ok.

I'm just sayin'-I'm so proud of you Noah. You'll never know how much.

--Jenn

Hush Little Baby Don't You Cry...

Mamma's gonna sing you a lullaby......

Jacob slept through the night last night. He's waking up now at 6:20 but I'm so ok and happy wiht that. If I get a good night's sleep and don't wake up like a maniac, I'm good with whatever he does. He's in there babbling and bah bah bah'ing happy baby sounds.

I honestly do think he would have done it a bit sooner (maybe a week or so) but he's had another ear infection which when I think back to last Thursday or Friday all this waking up a ton in the night just for (I thought at first) his pacy then going back to sleep then waking up (we were in there like 12-14 times a night just giving him his pacy for about 3-4 nights) was all about his ear hurting but I didn't clue in till Sunday afternoon or so. He was cupping his hand over his right ear; between my husband and I, we saw him do that a good handful of times. Hello? And with the crankiness that is not typically him and the waking up only for his pacy, not wanting to be held, not hungry, I was so perplexed. Not till I saw the hand over his ear that I was like, "DUH! It's his poor little ear!" Oy! So, I whisked him to the Pediatrician on Monday and sure enough, his right ear is infected. Not four weeks ago or so, his left ear was infected. He's on antibiotics now and I can tell, he's getting back to the happy little Jaco we all know.

I swear, even though I have had two other children, at times, I truly feel as though I'm clueless or cannot remember things from Noah and Lucas. How can I not remember? Maybe for Noah, it's too long ago and because I think I'm going to have Alzheimers, I would never be able to remember anything in great detail (like feeding schedule when we transitioned to solid foods and still incorporating formula). For Lucas, maybe my not remembering isn't so much length of time but a coping mechanism. It's easier that way. So combine the two, and I really feel like a first time mom sometimes. Crazy.

Regardless, good job to the little one. We'll see if he can do it again tonight. Even if he doesn't, I still feel it's on the horizon very soon. There have been more than a few nights where he woke up and was able to get himself back to sleep with no crying whatsoever. Just woke up and did his "ahhhhhhoowwhooooobah bah bah's" for about a minute or two and falls back to sleep (with me literally waiting for one little cry so I can race in there if he needs me; my downfall but not really :)-----------

Good things....

WW and David Copperfield

Sorry I have a lot on my mind so it's all going on one entry. If it seems jumbled; welcome to my world, so is my brain!

Last night I surprised my husband for his 40th birthday and took him to see David Copperfield here in our area. He was totally surprised all the way till we got to the parking garage, it was killing him. So fun. I had his clothes laid out, manipulated him coming home early (thanks to his supervisor at work ;) ;) and off we went. The show was great. I do think David Copperfield is a bit conceited but I guess he is famous and whatever to that. We both thouroughly enjoyed the show and after we went to a small very intimate Italian restaurant for dinner. Thanks to Grammy and Grandpa for watching the boys! I could tell he really was appreciative because he kept looking at me with these eyes and just squeezing my hand. It was very nice. Let's see, David Copperfield made a car appear out of nowhere on the stage, he made 13 randomly picked people who were brought to the stage, disappear and reappear in the top balcony in the way back, and lots of other neat stuff. Cool to see live and in person. He has quite the personality but also, his cockiness really shines through when he's interacting with the crowd and his helpers. Overall, great though.

SO. Weight Watchers. I have been doing well. I had one week where I gained and that thouroughly devastated me. Last week, I recovered nicely and lost a little more this week. This is tough! Can I tell you, I think I really do have an addiction to food. Some days, it is seeming more and more like second nature to eat well, be healthy in what I consume but other days, it KILLS me. I suppose it depends on the stress level. Hmmmm, I had to fire someone this week but it was something I'd been ready to do for a while, had to be the right time and get the right go ahead and it just so turns out, I was on that day so I got the extreme pleasure. I know that sounds sick and twisted, but I promise you, this person fully deserved it. No details but imagine someone out for the company you work for and doing it in a blatant way. Imagine whatever you want, this person did it. So, off with their head, they were gone. Still, to some degree, there is stress involved in that because you never know how a person will react. This day and age? uh uh. Guess where I found myself for lunch that day right before I went to do the deed? ChickFilA. I called my sister as I sat in the parking lot. She said, "don't do it, I'm the little angel on your shoulder, don't do it." Oh I couldn't bear to hear her tell me not to do it so I hung up. I just sat there, wanting to go in and get all the things that were bad for me. I pulled out my out to eat food guide and figured out I could eat a grilled chicken sandwich and the fries for lower points than what I really wanted so I called her back for mental permission. She consented. Is that crazy? BUT that's what I needed from her. Support. Thanks Sister.

It's coming off slowly but surely. I'm not giving up but it isn't easy. I will acheive this! Kelly is doing well and we are neck and neck almost in weight loss. I'm as happy for her when she loses as I am when I lose. It's pretty cool.

When David Copperfield was walking through the audience a few times to eyeball a pretty, slim, and sexy female to take up to the stage, I was avoiding his eyes big time. For one, I'm not either three and so that I guess made it easy if his eyes rested on me but I still was petrified every time he passed our aisle. I would look away and pretend to be looking at something else. He never would have picked me but IF he did, I would have DIED to go on that stage in front of all those people and any questions he would have asked of me (as he did anyone he brought on stage) my mouth would have frozen. Wanna know why? Cause I am very self concious about how I look. I have confidence in my life, at work, at home, about expressing myself but when it comes to my body, tis' a whole different ball game folks. Hence, WW. I'm working on it. One day, I'll be super proud to be anywhere or do anything without batting an eye about my appearance. Hey-we all have to have something to work towards, right? This is one of my many.

--I feel loads better. All that was pent inside me. Crazy!

Jenn

Madness!

I think I have insomnia for real. I must solve this problem. I think sleep patterns are purely habit. I know it takes 14 days to make a habit and 14 days to break a habit but somehow 2-3 bad nights of sleep or 2-3 nights of waking up at weird times and your body just accepts it as normal and starts doing it automatically; even if you have no reason to wake up (like your baby is sleeping and you are NOT).

I will research and figure it out. I was sent some great tips from my honey about it all today so I know he thinks and worries about me during the day. Sent me an email yes he did. I must admit, last night I took two Tylenol PM's just so I could sleep through the night without waking and then he woke me up to hear the howling winds (thought it was a tornado). Kay thanks.

Love him. Love that. It'll resolve itself. I know it will.

Sleep come my way. Even though I'm getting ready to open my work laptop for a couple of hours...I'm looking forward to sleep soon. By ten. Yes, by ten, my little head will be hitting the pillow for sleep. No Tylenol tonight. Just regular sleep.

Nigh nigh..

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Jenn

Growing

He is growing and I am glowing. Nothing like the love of a baby to make you appreciate life. It's unmitigated joy and they are completely innocent and dependant on you. He makes my heart sing and when I think of Lucas, I remember the same. I look at the big boy and I know that is the future. It's like I am watching my life in phases. It's quite wonderful. It really is.

24

This show madens me! I can't miss it yet when we're watching it I can't look sometimes!

If you've never seen it-you must watch it. If you've seen it then you know what I'm talking about.

Each show is one hour real time. It's also one hour of a day so at the end of the season you have literally only spent one entire day with Jack Bauer. Of course it takes WEEKS to play out but man! It's GOOD. Keeps you on the edge of your seat and I'm guilty of the very thing I make fun of my husband for when he's watching sports; yelling at the TV (hello? like they can HEAR me). I mostly yell at the President. :)

Here we go with another season. and I hope the guy on the inside of the White House (Walter) fries when they figure out he's working for the enemy. That really ticks me off. Can you tell I totally get into it?

Check it out! It's on Fox.

--J

Nothing could be truer..

God gives you what you need

Not what you want

Rejoice in what you have; it's a lot. I have lost a son. He is gone. I CANNOT ever see him on this Earth again. While we have had a third baby boy he in no way replaces our sweet Lucas. In NO way. He is a separate individual in his own right. He deserves that. He does not deserve me thinking he is Lucas' replacement. He is not that. I would give my life to have Lucas back. Sound strange? Strange let it be then because it's true. I would have gladly given it on that day and gladly give it now.

God gives you what you need
Not what you want.

I must tell myself that and continue on. For whatever reason, this is what we needed. I have to accept it and absorb it.

I think we all need to look at our lives and find the thing in it that gives us the most sadness and grief and maybe try to do the same. We might be doing a disservice to the people around us if we stand still and cannot find the strength to move ahead in a positive way. I often think I might be bringing my husband down because I cannot find the strength to talk with him about the sometimes elephant in the room (Lucas' death) but then I do try to find a way whether it be in writing to him or just some way eventually talking. I keep trying to pick up my skirt tails and move ahead. And I had a death to deal with. The death of my son. I WANTED him to live. Apparantly it was not what I needed. I can accept that, still dealing with it, but I can accept it. I even now to this day, thank God. This could get deep, people. So I'm stopping now. There are many of you who read this. I can think of several of you who have things that you are dealing with. Yesterday, someone told me I inspired them. If I inspire you, then I hope my words sink in. I am not nearly even close nearly nearly nearly the wisest person in the world. BUT I have learned some lessons, some hard ones. I am looking at you thinking, it's time to learn your own and be better for it. I say this because I care.

Jenn

--J

Love it...

He really loves his little brother. Genuinely. It really warms my heart. It goes without saying but I'll say anyway :) that the little one ADORES the big one. ADORES.

It's the best.

--J

Writing for me...

I have signed up for two classes (one day classes) for writing. One is for publishing 101 and the other is writers tool kit..these are in preparation for a writing contest they are having in March. I would like to explore writing as you all know and have a couple of things done and one in the works so this will get my feet officially wet.

It's sort of exhilarating. We'll see how it all goes but there isn't one thing wrong with trying or spreading your wings to do something new.

Went on a walk with Jacob this morning. It's unseasonably warm here. I think it's supposed to get to mid 60's today. We were under tornado warnings last night. Scary. I'm all over the place here but the walk was good. Jacob loved it and both of us got fresh air and yep, I got an extra 20 minutes of walking I wouldn't ordinarily have done. These big legs of mine need to go by by. Whatever I can do. It's all for a positive push to do better, be better, think better and try to let go of my demons from the past. I refuse to let myself fall down and not get up. Not saying it's easy; it's the hardest thing to do ever.

Kelly and I talked yesterday and it was a good one. We agree that sticking to and really abiding by WW is super hard but we also agree we are not giving up. Thanks Kelly! :)

The writing thing; it'll be good. It already frees my soul, it can only get better from here. It's all about attitude!

Hugs to all.
jenn

Jumpy Jumpy Jacob! Trampoline...

So my oldest son got a trampoline for Christmas from his Grammy and Auntie. I have been using it as much as he has. For one, he wants us to jump on it with him and I'm not too old for that; no way! Also, I have been using it when he's not here. Can I say E X C I R S I S E? Yes, class, lets say that again! E X C I R C I S E! So if for whatever weird reason I find myself at home alone, even for five minutes, I race out there and jump till I feel my legs and upper thighs burning. It's wonderful and gets the heart racing and I can just feel I'm breathing deeper etc. Good for the soul. NOW. Lets not talk about what our neighbors on that side probably think of me. I purposely jump with my back to their house in case they are peeking out. I don't care really but kind of, I am aware that they might think I'm a little loo loo.

So Noah says to Jacob all the time, "Jumpy jumpy Jacob" cause he likes his johnny jumper thing so much. I swear, the entire time I'm on the trampoline, whether it's with Noah or I'm just alone, I'm thinking, "Jumpy jumpy Jacob" in the little kid voice. :)

I'm gonna try a flip next time I'm on. I've been trying to get up the nerve. I finally got the nerve to do a silly seat drop. Now I can do three in a row without flinching or falling at all. It's the norm. Then he and I have been having this contest who can make the funniest face and combine it with a seat drop to make the other person laugh. Oh it's loads of fun. When I'm out there, I feel like I'm 12 and baby, I'm SO not 12.

Kay, really, I wish I were sleeping. I am so exhausted that I think I'm past it and can't sleep. I lay in bed and can't stop thinking about Go Karts. So I get up and write about my trampoline excirsise. Why won't my mind stop? I just want it to stop. Is there such a thing as a sleep voo doo doctor? I one night tried taking a benadryl and my body laughed in the face of it.

Maybe I should go jump on the trampoline....................

Go Karts! Awesome!

At work today, we had a meeting in another city. We went thinking that we were going to have a 'meeting' all day but after the mini 2 hour agenda, we were handed driving directions and asked to get in our cars and drive. Fun! We ended up going Go Kart Driving all afternoon. We had a wonderful lunch, even had a beer, and after, got the dissertation on driving rules and off we went.

We had to wear a neck brace and a helmet (serious helmet) and a seat belt; the cars went up to 40 mph and it was indoors. I haven't had that much fun in such a long time. I just let loose and had a good time. Even with my letting loose, at the end of the day, I got a trophy (no lie) for slowest driver! Ha! I prefer to think of it as cautious driver thankyouverymuch. ;)

Everyone had a great time and it was such a fun surprise. Not what we did (actually I knew about it beforehand--we have some folks who can't keep a secret I work with :) but just how much fun it was. I had the sickest feeling when I put the helmet on. Like in the pit of your stomach, just nerves probably. Then when I had to close the sheild down, I felt so closed in, you have NO perception of who is beside you. After the nasaau passed, it was great! To see the owner of the company racing around the track like a little speed demon, such fun. At the end, the last thing we did was an endurance race and they teamed randomly the slowest person with the fastest person and the next slowest and the next fastest etc. I got teamed with the fastest person (please refer to above comment about trophy for slowest driver) and we came up with a strategy. It worked! I was to drive first and 'do my thing' ie. get in everyone's way and slow them up. Then the other person would flag me down when she saw on the boards that I was a full two laps behind and I'd make a pit stop letting her take over for the tag team portion. She made awesome time and we came in first! Then someone argued the standings (I knew we weren't really in first, the other team had more laps than us) and we got knocked down to second. Still our strategy worked because I knocked into one of the fast drivers and caused her to spin out (yes!) and all I could see was my partner on the sidelines waiving like a fanatic and doing a big thumbs up! Yes dirty playing but hey, there were no rules against it. Evil laugh--he he he. I must admit I felt a little bad but all's fair in love and war and that was a competition. I was a naturally slow driver, legitimately and I just threw in a couple of moves is all. Yep.

What a breath of fresh air and loads of fun. Nothing bad about today....nope. Not at all.

I like it like that.

--J

Snowy Project

Blah!

My oldest son comes home saying I have a project due tomorrow, Mom. I'm thinking, stress, ok, but stress. So hit me, give it to me, what is it lets get it done.

"I have to get a shoe box and make a snow village" So he goes and finds a shoe box, we work on it together, it takes us about an hour to an hour and a half. It looks good. I get to thinking (watch out), wait a second, why would this be due the next day for God's sake? This is a LOT. We finish it up, put the final touches on it and I decide THEN to open his weekly agenda to see what's what with this snowy project. It's not PPS it's DPS. Dumb parent syndrome. The teacher had written in the agenda, "Snow Village Project due 1/16/06". UGH!

Well damn. It's done now. I should have known not to believe him, he doesn't really have a sense of time or when things are supposed to happen. I told him to turn it in tomorrow. He did the work. Why wait? I tied a few things, I guided him, but he did it. I just sat with him the entire time. I could've been doing one thousand other things but I did that with him. That thing is going in tomorrow. He made snow flakes, hung them from the ceiling, made an ice skating pond, made a snow man out of cotton balls, drew a tree on the back, taped all the little scenes that he colored...it's all done.

Note to self (and you who have kids) always read the directions before project ensues. Ya think?

duh.

--J

H

I think....

--if you swim in misery, you become misery.
--you can't ever look to the sun if you're too busy with your head in the mud.
--if life hands you the sourest of lemons you better raise it up a notch and grab a bucket full more of sugar and make something of it.
--if you can't seem to find the good in your life, you should pull up your skirt tails (or pant legs) and find someone to talk to because no matter how you slice it we weren't born for nothing and its completely up to us to make our lives mean something. If you have kids then multiply that times ten. They count on us more than anything and if we aren't worth s*** or think we aren't then it reflects to them. There is good in all of our lives, even when we can't see it.
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Those are words from me to me and to you. I read something the other day that said if you are grieving and have learned how to express it; great, good for you. Be wary of doing it too much or you will get sucked in a vat of grief that you'll never get out of. You have to find the balance of expressing yourself and finding a way to move on. -----This kind of shocked my senses. I have the Lucas page. I have this blog. I am vocal. I say it if I think it. I have found the venues to do so. But be careful I will. Lucas knows and God knows---both of them know innately how much I miss him, how sorry I am it all happened, how I wish none of it had happened. They also know I couldn't have changed it. I know it too. I will never forget my second son, but I will work more on accepting his death. I will work on not making my whole life about answering for, hanging myself out to dry for, taking responsibility for, something that was not my fault.

That is what I will work on. I'm not promising I'll never need to vent. I'm just promising to do better. To know, to accept that he was meant to teach me/us a lesson. Of love, of life, of strength and of fortitude. He was a breath of fresh air blown into our world for a reason. I will learn from it and stop wallowing. I have been trying to do this for awhile, unofficially and without speaking it out loud. I just wanted you to know...

what will you work on?

Love Jenn

Reading

I've been reading this book called The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Thanks, Val. It's a good one. I've been sucked in like a vaccuum cleaner. I can hardly put it down. It puts a completely different perspective on what Heaven and the afterlife might be. I mean who really knows what Heaven will be like. We all hope and dream that it will be well....Heavenly.

continuation tonight the baby is ever hungry!

oh darn..

So, really, I don't have time to be scandalous. I was wistfully thinking, wow, to be or do something exciting. But alas, I'm just an unscandalous person. Can't make something that isn't there.

Thanks Tracy for your support though. You're always there to boost me up! The best cousin ever.

What would I ever DO that was scandalous? As Tammy said, "silly, life's too short for that stuff". Oh yes, she is right.

I think I have pnemonia, my back is killing me. That's the most scandalous I got. It ain't much. ;)

--j

I've been thinking...

I cannot be scandalous. Everyone reads this. In order to be scandalous, I must start another blog under a different name. ;)

It's an idea. Do I WANT to be scandalous? Stay tuned..

Jenn

Accidentally..

I went to post last night and in order to sign in and do a new post, you have to go to blogger's home page. To the left are scrolling blog entries that people are submitting each second (probably). I saw an interesting title and clicked on it. It took me to this person's blog page. OMG. I was immediately sucked in. I felt like I was reading a novel. The girl who writes it is having an affair with a man that she works for and she is caring for his children; I think she loves him and he her but OMG. The content was at times quite explicit. Ok, let me tell you, I'm not about to write on here about my love life. Some people are that open. I think that is private stuff. It's good, it's well written but.... maybe I lead a sheltered life. I don't know. I couldn't stop reading it. In fact, at some point, I felt like it was not real and she was testing out a novel or something. I think I'll go back and comment that I think she is a good writer. Severely honest, yes but good. Play by play move by move OMG.

I admire the gutsiness of her and her writing.

Jenn