It's Halloweeny Around Here

This is the Oldest. Otherwise known as Darth Vadar, O' Oldest One. I am your father!

This is the Littlest. Otherwise known as Puff the Magic Dragon, Sir Knight Littlest.

These are my boys. More pictures to come of them together to come.

---J -the Queen of the Kingdom

The Nanny

Angie you are right of course! It IS The Nanny!

No one else guessed so you win a wonderful great day today. Cheesy I know, but what else can I give? Just good thoughts! I'm not like Kailani who has all these hookups to give free stuff away. :) Smiles to Kailani.

Jenn

The Mamma and the Baby

This is the Kangaroo otherwise known as the Mamma and the Baby around here. He loves her. Loves loves loves her. She's just been washed and dried see how she shines? I imagine this little creature will get tattered and torn in the coming year or two. Poor thing.

You can't really see but the baby is attached to the mamma and htere is a pouch. There are two of them; joined forever as mamma and baby. How fitting I think.

--J

Pumpkin Bread

So. I was in the major mood to make pumpkin bread. Now you all know I'm not a fantastic baker, right? But you know what? It turned out ok. That's one thing about me, I get an idea and it's done, it's already accomplished. Whammo. So now I have two loaves (well 1.5 now) of pumpkin bread. I'll freeze one of them and we'll finish the other half for breakfast or whatever.

That's all for now. Just that.

Well. There's this.

Question:

On what TV sitcom did you find kids named Maggie, Grace and Brighton?

Guesses please.....

answer will be posted tomorrow.

Which one?

Pepsi or Coke?

McDonalds or Wendy's?

Nike or Reebok?

Pizza Hut or Papa Johns?

Target or WalMart?

NFL or NHL?

Lipton or Nestea?

Stouffers Mac n Cheese or Kraft Macaroni?


Just checkin...

In case you are wondering...

Pepsi
McDonalds
Nike
Pizza Hut
Target
Neither
Lipton
Stouffers

:)

Thursdays Greys

These two co stars have chemistry that keeps me watching this show. While it's true that Burke (Isaiah Washington) and Christina (Sandra Oh) have chemistry as well, somehow it seems more forced with them. It's just there with Derek and Meredith.


The first picture is the entire cast. It just works. They keep us laughing and crying and riveted. This is the new "it" show. No doubt.

It comes on in an hour and fifteen minutes. I can hardly wait. Love it.

--J

Thursday 13

13 reasons I am glad to be alive

1. My boys, the Oldest and the Littlest. They are my joy. They are my heart. I will protect them to the death, forever.

2. This world, believe it or not, is a beautiful place. I love to take in it's beauty. It's everywhere.

3. To help others who might need it, makes me feel really good when I help someone. Gives purpose to my soul.

4. I'm glad to be alive now, right this minute, because I am in a fantastic place with my husband. It has taken us all this time to really come to this perfect place. It feels good. Well you know, perfect as it can be. :) I recognize that.

5. I look to the future and I know what my purpose is. Without a doubt. Makes me want to conquer the world (whoa hold on there missy, slow it down!). :)

6. I love to capture moments in time. With a camera and pictures. Something about it fills me up.

7. My belief in God. Even through all the awful things in the past, and the anger I have felt, I know it must mean something. My trust in Him supercedes all. It's a good thing.

8. Wow these are hard.

9. Wait I think I just cheated. :)

10. Back on track now. To enjoy my family. My mother and sisters and my Dad and everyone else. I love them all so much.

11. Glad to be alive because I think this world of ours is at a great time. Even with all the doom and gloom, to think we are living in this moment and that it will be history one day, that I voted and learned along the way, that I have a voice, a say in our country, it's very cool.

12. I love figuring out who I am. I have changed and I know it, so it's a constant journey. It's a journey I'm glad to be on. I'm glad I didn't take the easy road when my son died. This is much much better.

13. Because I know and have said before that we only get this one chance, and I so believe it, we only get this one chance to try to get it right. I'm happy to give it my best shot, live with happiness, respect for others, and a kind eye to my surroundings. It's big picture, but it's true.

Your turn. It's HARD!

Totally Random Tonight

When a man does something like a few loads of laundry or washes a couple of dishes he gets praise and worship and comments like, I hope your wife appreciates you and when a woman does things like laundry or washing dishes it's just part of her job and no one says, I hope your husband appreciates you--why is that????

Did you know that we have a 25 pound dictator in this house? He is the sweetest dictator in the whole world but he is mighty stubborn. I'd say he gets his way a good percentage of the time; hence dictatorship. Dang it. I thought this was a democracy.

Today I RSVP'd that we would not be attending the National Children's Memorial on December 10th in Philadelphia. We have gone twice before, the year Lucas died and the year right after. We did not go last year as the littlest was too little and this year, well, I still think he's too little. Typically, it's snowing then in Philly and we are outside, I don't want to subject him to that when he's this age. ---The lady who heads up the whole event every year is really fantastic. I emailed her and let her know we would not be there, the official RSVP was in the mail but wanted to know if I could submit a different picture of Lucas than I have in the past and a written submission for the booklet. I sent both on. As I searched through to find the just right picture of him, I was reminded of how real he was. Well, of course he was real. I meant, I think I'm forgetting again. Maybe that is what upsets me. Maybe that is why the guilt resides in me, has claimed my emotions and is paying such high rent. I don't know. So when I saw the pictures, well, the littlest was right there and there I was losing it all over again. Wipe the tears, suck it up, move on. Get it done. The end. She replied back within an hour and thanked me for the beautiful writing and picture and assured me it would go in the booklet to honor his memory. A sense of peace waves over me.

Why didn't I figure out a long dang time ago that a chart was all I needed? I mean, seriously, a chart and these little cling on stars seem to be bringing more peace to my life than previously I had. The Oldest is suddenly taking more responsibility, picks up toys at the end of the night without even having been asked, brushes his teeth with no fussing, showers with no grumbles, makes his bed every morning like it's nothing and there you have it, a chart was the answer all along. It's like easy magic. Amazing. Who would've thunk it?

I'm sick so very sick of all the political commercials. This one slandering that one, that one trashing this one, you don't know who to believe and you just want to boycott the whole thing. You can't do that though. It's our right and privledge to vote, so we have to research and educate ourselves the best we can and vote. The commercials though are driving me nuts. I'm learning to tune them out.

Did you see the game where the pitcher had the pine tar on his thumb in the World Series? Oh the controversy. And my husband cannot stop talking about it good Heavens, you'd think he owned the team or something. I'm thinking, yeah, ok, that's no surprise, someone is trying to get away with something in sports again, and not owning up to it, in one ear and out the other. He on the other hand, cannot let it go. He's amused by it all apparently. I'm quite over it. The thumb and the pine tar. Da Da Da Da... whatever.

One last thing. Christmas is right around the corner. I'm getting a little excited. Anyone who knows me well knows I truly love this time of year. It's magical. It's for the kids. Its for us all to remember and take time...for family.

Don't Blink

You'll miss it all. It flies. They grow. If you are too preoccupied, you will not see it. You only have one shot, you better do it right. You don't want to be at the end of your life wishing you could redo it all.

These are my child rearing years. I have lived for this. Truly. I have my dreams and they will come. I think it will start to be my time later, in 3-5 years. And that is ok. I don't want to look backwards and cry because I wasn't here. Mentally or physically. So I'm here. I'm at work a little, as much as I need to help financially and that's it. But I'm here.

It would be a tragedy if I did it any other way. If I did not learn from watching Lucas die. If I did not walk away from all that and know to my core that sacrificing, even a little, was worth it, so worth it. Do we dig into our savings? A little every now and then. Not ideal but there is time to build it back up. It doesn't matter. Money doesn't matter to me. That much is apparant by my spending style. It never has mattered much. Yes it drives me when I earn a good salary of course and it helps contribute to our family, yes. Of course. I have learned to respect money a bit more because of my husband. I can say that. But given the choice of being with my boys and making them the first priority, and earning more money or following my dreams, its easy. They win. Thank you Lucas for teaching me that. Maybe that is one thing I was supposed to learn from his birth and death and all the in between. To stop, enjoy life, smell the roses, and be there for the boys.

Nothing could be more important than that. I can't think of a single thing.

Jenn

A little shopping maybe?

Here we come. I am going with two very good friends of mine to the closest IKEA to us. We are taking a pretty empty van. I'm afraid, we will be coming back with a pretty full van. :)

A little shopping anyone? I must say, I'm getting a little excited, feeling a little guilty, but I'm going anyway. Try and stop me.

We leave Saturday morning at 730 am. Can you just SEE me rubbing my hands together? If you have even a little bit of shopping addiction in you, this is the place. My goodness, I'm getting butterflies in my tummy already.

-------I'm going.

Jenn

BOOBAHS

OK so yeah, it's all Boobahs around here. The littlest walks up to the TV, holds the remote up and presses a button. Of course, it doesn't work, but he is expecting it to. Thank Heaven we have this DVR thing. We can just cue it up and play it again and again.


No matter that it's the silliest show on the planet, I think he just sees the colors, hears the simple songs with toe tapping beats and thats all he needs right now. And they have the silliest names, Zing Zing Zingbah, Humbah, etc. Crazy. I'm going to be dreaming of these jelly like anomolies. What gives? Who created these things? OY!

Women

IF you are a woman, is it me or---

• Do you ever feel you have too much on your plate?
• Do you ever feel that if you express that in normal conversation (either at work or at home) it could have detrimental effects?
• Is it normal to then explode when you've had too much? It could be the last tiny little straw, one small seemingly insignificant thing, and the person might be all, 'Whoa, what gives? I didn't mean to heave a bowling ball on your little toe!" and bam! The whole neat little house comes tumbling down. In one fell swoop. Oh wait, this is a hypothetical. I really don't have a bowling ball.
• Am I the only one who straightens everything in sight when things feel out of control? Is that normal or abnormal?
• Do men really ignore us when we are talking? I mean, seriously, are you kidding me? We only run the house, keep track of all completed and incompleted homework, clean the house (even in my 'lesser' capacity of needing to, I still clean!), do all the laundry, and I do mean all, cook most of the meals, do all the worrying, (and for the sake of just getting through this post in a couple of minutes I'll stop now but there is SO much more) and you're telling me, we talk and they ignore? I can see it, the hollow look, the 'hello, McFly?' look on their faces. Just makes me never want to talk. Hold in all the words. Hope they get through life with us not talking. Not helping them, telling them, reminding them. Nothing. No words. I've tried, and I can't do it. Damn it. The words just come tumbling out no matter HOW hard I try not to talk. Even when I give him instructions (and not belittling him, he has asked for them so I am answering) he is not paying but half attention. HELLO?
• Do all men make a grand to do about going to the bathroom? Does it have to be all drama and how long it took and OMG does it take all men over half an hour just to make a bowel movement? Seriously, I am done in two minutes or less flat. I got other things to do, other fish to fry. Do you NEED an entire newspaper to simply make a bowel movement? Do you NEED the wireless laptop to make a bowel movement? Kay, just checkin. And my GOD don't go anywhere near that quadrant of the house for at least an hour, or is it just me?
• Are women stronger than men? That is better left simply at that. I think we all know the answer.

I'm in a funk. Try me again tomorrow. It'll be much more flowers and roses, all more positive. A new day, a new outlook.

Jenn

Handling the Loss of a Child; 101

It's not that I let the grief and sadness from the past hold me back from the happiness of today. Not that at all. I feel I owe him so much, and as a mother, I cannot let go of that. Simply cannot. It's now part of who I am and etched into me like nothing else. However, I know that happiness is here now in the boys. I am not so foolish to not see what is in front of me. I see it. I'm very thankful for it.

Ok, this is what I think, like it or not, as plain as I can make it. My father has died. It was sad. I still feel sadness and miss him to this day. With Lucas, my son, it was so different, in a child, you have so many hopes, and you know that they too will grow to have dreams and hopes. It's the epitome of parenthood; to have that in your child. The moment you know there is life in you, it begins then. SO. I have lost this child. I write about how it feels a lot. It's one of if not the only way I can properly express myself about it all. It doesn't mean I'm dwelling in it or lost in it forever. It's just that I don't shut up about the anger that I constantly feel, the sadness that gets me down, knocks me down still sometimes, and I KNOW, I KNOW, that other parents who have lost children feel the same as me, yet most of the time, they just stop expressing it. Why? Because, they know what I know, that others, dear family and friends need us to move on. For them, and for us. So they oblige them. They stop talking about it, the loss of their child. The memories of that child. How we get sad and cry for no apparent reason, for every reason in the world.

I am just a big mouth. I do what I need to do for me and for us. It might make for some pity, or some exasperation, or even some discomfort in others..... I don't know. I imagine it so.

The loss of a child at it's most basic level is catastrophic in hundreds of ways and it changes a person, a family. It just does. What more can you say? Really, not much.

Today is his birthday. Would have been four. Thank you to those of you who have expressed memory of him on this day. You have reached out and it means so much. I know it's hard to do and it's hard for me to accept it, but I do, and I appreciate it. You took a moment out of your day and I thank you. I know he is with us. I've said it a thousand times before. He is with is.

Jenn

For Me

Naptime for the Littlest works for me because before I lay him in his crib, I kiss him, tell him I love him, tell him 'nigh nigh' and walk out with no eye contact. Sometimes I hear him flip over and stand up, but I know because I then peek back in that he quietly lays down and that is that. I know for a fact, if I were to turn around and look at him, make eye contact with him, it would be done. If our eyes met, he'd be all 'Mamma' wah wah wah. For me, it works.

Grieving doesn't work for me because it takes me on too many ups and downs. I think I have it beat and feel I'm on a better road then I have complete breakdowns with lots of sadness and deep aching for him, then I force myself to stop it, and move on. It's frustrating and sad, more than sad. Depressing I guess. Having said that, four years later, I suppose I have made some progress. Begrudgingly at times, but progress. Why begrudgingly? Because of the guilt. Plain and simple. Guilt can hold you back from so many things. If you let it. I have tried not to let it. Does anyone get to give me a grade? I'm constantly criticizing myself about everything. About how I handle things, could I be doing better (oh yes), could I be handling things better (oh yes)?

Life for me is intense because of losing Lucas. Love for me is intense because of losing Lucas. For me, I just do the best I can. I find sadness in more things than most. I try not to dwell in it but for me, I think that I'm destined to things others might not know. Writing about it helps.

Thanks for tuning in, because for me, it helps.

Jenn

Thanks

I want to take a moment to thank someone who has been a champion supporter of me since Lucas' death. Always calling to check on me, always asking how I am, just at the right moment, just when I secretly need it the most. How do you always know? She always knows.

Thanks Tracy. You are the best. And the fact that you are my cousin, makes it so much better. Granted, we haven't laid eyes on each other for several years now, we know we'll get to see each other next summer for sure.

You call, you chat, you check, it seems like such a simple thing. Not a whole ton of people do it. Not that I NEEEEED checking on, but sometimes, it's nice to get that phone call.

With all the love in my heart I send you great big fat hugs. :)

Jenn

The Face Every Mother Could Love

This is what you get when you let your 14 month old Angel eat Raviolis on his own. Pure wonder and mess. How could I NOT take this snapshot?




Jenn

BLAH

I have so much swirling in my head, I don't even know where to start! Blah blah blah BLAH!

Work worries. Work woes. Watch your back at work, I've never had to do that. So odd to have to worry about it now. Maybe others in other regions have but I never have. Times change don't they?

There's a special birthday coming up that has made me melancoly. That for another day.

The oldest has been acting up in his class. All it takes is one thing. Just one. He knows we are disappointed. I know he is trying and he immediately recognizes it's negative behavior. We'll keep at it. It worries me. But we'll keep at it. He'll be ok.

Just one of those days I suppose. I guess we all have them. Today was one of them.

--blegch

J

Nor'easter

We are getting one. They aren't as bad as a hurricane (no doubt) but they last longer and in the end, you can get about as much rain as you would get in a hurricane but the hurricane was much more short lived.

Each time we get one, I am reminded how much fury they can have. The intense wind. The incessant rain. Random lightening.

You see the time? Yeah. I've been up at least five times through the night. The last four becasue of the littlest crying out; not sure why but there I was rocking him back to sleep. This time, the lightening, wind and rain got me up. It's 642 am and it's pitch dark outside. I have a feeling any sunshine that might otherwise be peeking through is completely covered by the dense clouds over our area.

Rain rain go away, come back another day how does the rest of it go?

I'm signing off. I probably shouldn't even be on, the wind is so strong, I wouldn't be surprised if we lost power. Yukky Saturday. It'll still be a good day. :)

Charlotte's Webb

She just died. The spider, Charlotte just died. It's my turn, I'm reading, and I knew the part was coming, it's been coming for awhile; it was eminent. She had no more energy, she whispered goodbye as Wilbur winked at her as he was getting shoved in the crate to go home. I'm openly crying by now, the Oldest doesn't know what to do. So he slowly takes the book away from me and starts reading, finishes the part I couldn't.

It's just a spider for God's sake. It's just a book. A ficticious spider in a ficticious book. What the?

(big overinflated sigh)

The NOTEBOOK

SO. I've just learned today, after four plus weeks of school, that there exists a certain notebook in his class. Managed by the teacher, the children have to write their names in it when they have done something wrong (talked out loud over top of the teacher, not listening, etc). I've just learned today that this is how they measure ill behavior. Hmm. All this time, all these weeks, I've heard nothing from him (or the teacher) that this is how they measure it. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally in support of it, it's just odd I didn't know of this. Every time they get thier name in the book, they get one minute taken away from Fantastic Friday each week. Fantastic Friday is 20 minutes of just having fun, playing with whatever they want, Legos, any toys in the class; whatever. So while the class is playing for every time his name is in there from the previous week, he sits at his desk for those many minutes. Ingenius really. I like it.

So I ask him, "have you ever BEEN in this notebook before?" after I learn it exists for the first time. And he says, "if I tell you the truth will you be happy?" Ok, go ahead, hit me. It's gonna be bad. Then he tells me, "just three times". Oh, I'm thinking, that's not bad, three times since school started, not great, not the best but not overly horrible right? THEN he says, "three times this WEEK." OY. Now that hurts.

This boy of mine. He is so not perfect. He's horribly smart. Every single thing sent home, classwork, all tests, he gets 100's. He's so on top of his game in that way. But behavior? WHY is it so hard? Am I too hard on him? Go ahead, hit me, give me your opinion. Meanwhile, I've sent an email to his teacher inquiring about all this business.

Can another living thing be a spirit?

Something has just hit me. Struck me like a lightening bolt. I was watering my two plants in this whole house. One of them I realized is quite small. I suddenly tuned in to how little it really is. Do you know how LONG I've had this little ivy plant? Well, I had forgotten. In the busy day to day of our lives, I just water this little thing, and keep going, not paying it much attention ever. Today, just now, I stopped. I looked at it. It's a wonder it's still alive. It has never grown but it has never died. I was given this plant when Lucas was two months old, just a tiny baby. Ok so you see where I'm going with this... I don't think the plant is Lucas, well, maybe I might think that a little. The thought has just crossed my mind that this plant has been with me as long as Lucas has (or now his spirit). It has stayed the same. Like him. If you think about it, nothing has changed. Well, I have changed; morphed into this whatever I am...but he has not changed, how I feel about him, how he is to me in my life, his memory, the whole thing.

How does this plant live? I don't water it that much. I water the one by the sink far more since it's by the sink. The little one I'm talking about gets forgotten a lot. It just dawned on me today that it gets forgotten. So I started talking to it (hush, no comments from the peanut gallery) and I said to it, "how are you still living litlte thing? you get no attention, I barely water you, how long have I had you anyway?" and I stopped dead. I remember when I was given it, he was alive. So tiny. So here's the message, and I'm getting it now as I type and let some things go. The message is that he is gone and this plant is still here. He is gone and the plant is still here. Living, breathing, not growing, but still here. Is it him? I digress. The message is, life goes on. I am still alive. I have chosen life and living in it. I have chosen to be in these moments and mother and raise these boys, not close the blinds, live under a blanket, and be a non particpant in life. So there, I said it.

What to do about all that now? I have to chew on it a while.

Time for a Change

After seven years, it's time to change Pediatricians. Very much with a sad heart, it's just time. I refuse to be treated rudely by office staff and I've had enough. I've been on the edge for some time now due to how busy he is, he's the only Doctor so when he's busy, we wait. Gladly, but still, we wait. He's been getting forgetful on what he said on prior visits because he's running himself ragged. I put all that aside because the Oldest has a bond with him, trusts him. Ignored that nagging voice that it was time to change. Today, when that lady spoke to me in the manner that she did, I hung up that phone, wiped away the tears that were stinging my eyes (she was quite rude and sometimes you cry from anger you know.....am I the only one?) and that set the wheels in motion.

I have written him the letter, I have researched the best Pediatrician in our area that is closest to our house, gone and filled out the release form for records and before I knew it, it was a done deal. The letter will get mailed tomorrow; I feel I owe him an explanation and he needs to know he ultimately lost us because of his rude and curt staff (really the other stuff should have pushed me out the door but this was the last straw).

It's done. Cry about it no more, worry over it no more. It's the right thing. The Oldest can form a bond with the new Doctor. Right?

Right.

---J