It's hard for me to say because it takes me a long time to really 100% trust someone. It always has. And once that trust is broken, if it ever is, that's it, walk away I'm done. Easy Peezy Lemon Squeezy. Not saying I can't forgive..of course I can. But it will take a LONG time to get it back. That I know.
I'm totally rambling here. What am I trying to say? Either you have the guts to go for the glory or you don't. I'm learning about myself little by little. Piece by piece. He's gone and he died. And the impact of that fact has been far outreaching. Many days I do not want to talk to anyone. Many days I crave to talk about him. And that sucks for those who know me because they don't know where I am.. I am sorry for that. I am sorry to always be saying sorry. I wish I could help you know me and where I am. I wish I weren't the way I am. I still can't change it. I still can't undo what has happened and why I'm at the place I have found myself.
To be witty and funny and thoughtful...sometimes you're just blah and quiet and boring and you can't make something out of nothing. When you are feeling the latter, you can't be the former.
Grace. Quiet knowing. Guts. Flying by the seat of your emotional pants and doing what has to be done to get through life. Glory. Overcoming odds. Going on with your life. Finding the joy in the simple things.
Do I have the strength to do any of it? I think in a way I have. But only in a way. Not fully. I'm still trying. Trying. Grace guts and glory. Somehow, they all tangle together and make sense. That ball of yarn all wound up I referred to before? It's like that. Follow me if you can. I barely can....
We hear it all the time. Tamika just said it to me yesterday. We strong women, God gives us more to handle. The thing we hear is, "God only gives you what you can handle" or something to that effect. What is it? I suppose it's true. I don't like it. It isn't fair. But really, come on now. What in life IS fair? Please, someone tell me.
Give me more guts so I can gracefully try to reach for the glory. Because really people, it's just not happenin'. Tam, thank you. Just thanks.
J
1 comment:
Do you have issues with me or not? I am confused. I truly honestly meant the entry about the other women on the floor over woes that compared to yours (and meekly I thought at the time Josephs) and I wanted to shake them Not you. Wanted to show them you and Rob and Joseph and say SNAP out of it. I think I also meant that clearly you have the joy of Noah and Lucas and even wise Jacob and Rob has Schyuler because for the joy and because you are not on the floor because of something so odd yet you so could be. We cannot throw our hands up and say "Cant do this game over" and parents do I see it every day, our kids Noah, Jacob need us to carry on.
I did not mean to hurt you. I think I often say "God only gives you what you can handle" cuz people say that and I dont think God gave you Lucas dying I think God is with you to help you get thru each day I have learned this.
It's been heavily on my mind that I hurt you. That would be the very worse thing
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