Today my heart has been heavy; I guess it comes and goes without much notice. To put it out of my mind, to compensate for it, I make myself incredibly busy. Sometimes it works. Today, maybe not so much.
I wonder when I'll stop writing about him. How I feel about having lost that sweet baby. Do you think it'll ever subside, really?
I think about the details of everything a lot. I think you all would be surprised at how much; still. Sometimes, I feel guilty if I am feeling happy. I think I am doing well and I like that I am doing well then I think, that can't be good. What about Lucas? And it starts.....
It's just the most intense overwhelming thing ever. And I thought (and maybe it has but I'm afraid to allow myself feel it) that the arrival of the littlest would make it all better. He's been here seven months. He brings his own joy to my heart. But nothing has taken away the sadness or sorrow I had for Lucas. Ohhh..........sometimes I just want to rip my brain out. Rip my heart out. Stop it all. Stop the what ifs that I proclaim to have stopped asking myself.
I am patiently awaiting the calm and acceptance. I am patiently waiting the no more tears in private for no reason. I am patiently waiting....
--J
You cook, you clean, you go to work, you nourish, you love, you scold, you are professional and yet you hang your hat on every dust particle in your home. You are a woman. Some women are Moms and some are not. You are still a woman. We are all made similarly. We are strong.
1 comment:
My heart is aching with you today. Words can't express our sorrow adequately. But know, there is someone out there, feeling your pain, understanding your loss.
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