Katrina and the WAVES

I feel for the people who live in and around New Orleans. God help them all. That storm is going to rip right into that shore and those winds will tear up the trees and the land and push so much water into their low lying areas (all of it bascially) and there will be awful aftermath for months and maybe one to two years to come. Heck, a little bit of our area is still dealing with Hurricane Isabel two years later (in low lying Poquoson).

Ivan said it best, "It's not just Katrina the Hurricane, it's Katrina and the Waves". I hope they all got out of the way. ---

--J

And that's my son...

He hit that one too...

I have video as well but it wouldn't upload. He makes me so proud. His Grandpa took him to Golf Camp this whole week (helped by his Grammy too) and it looks as though it's paid off. I think Noah has found a possible calling---ya think? He loves golf and lights up when he tells you all he's learned...the terminology and everything. Each night at dinner this past week, we'd get him to tell us what he learned that day at golf camp. I guess it's true; the love for a sport is cultivated and learned as early as you will let it happen.

Check him out! Today Noah, Ivan and Granpa played 6 holes of golf and he did pretty good.

Soccer season, here we come. Golf will continue in the spring. Love it. I love being the mamma of boys!

--Jenn

We all have a story...

We all have our lot in life. We all have something to tell. Some of us have more than one thing to tell. If someone stopped us on the street and said, "Tell me your story." We'd have a lot to tell. Would we tell it? Maybe, maybe not. It's like when someone says, "How are you?" --- is there a difference when they say, "How ARE you?" Do you really want to know? Hmm.

I was at the park today with Noah and Jacob. There was a woman there, with two children who were playing. She was sitting, quietly reading and Noah was running, playing while I was focused on getting Jacob to settle in for a nap. Beautiful day. Gorgeous. Nice crisp breeze but the sun was out, loved it. Minding our own business at the park. Great. The lady leaves with her kids, we had exchanged a few 'niceties' and words and she was on her way with the kids. She turns and says to me, "Good luck with the baby!" and then Noah says to her, "I have another brother who died and now he's in Heaven!" and I want to cringe and for whatever reason, want to crumble into the mulch. I was not embarrassed, no, no way. Not that, but just why did he say that then as she was walking away? She turns and comes back all the way over to me. She wants to know what happened and why and tries to help me make sense of it and I continue to say to her, "I'm so sorry he told you that, don't worry about it, I'm fine." To which she says, "No, you're not fine, and you can't handle this alone and he will need to talk about it (which he has, we have, we ALL have to such extent, it's almost too much sometimes) and it'll just come out just like it did now so expect that and etc etc etc" . She tells me she is a professional speaker and she goes around speaking motivationally I think she said. It was almost one of those 'How ARE you?' moments. Like do you REALLY want to know? But she did. And she didn't even know me. Strange. Strange how it all transpired. And when she finally left, Noah came back to me from playing and said he knows I miss him and that he misses him very much too. I hugged that little boy so tight. What can you do with that? Just love him. He's quite in tune with me.

I bet that woman has a story. I bet she has lots of things that would intrigue me or anyone.

I have a very close and dear friend, Tammy, who has a story. She has more than one. She and I, we could go on Oprah together. Would be a good show. A good tear jerker. Lots of people I know 'have a story'. I bet you stop anyone--just anyone on the street. You ask them....they'll tell you.

So if someone seems pissy or if someone looks very sad--if someone just can't get it together at work or at home....I bet there's more to it. Maybe we don't even know. COULD never know...not unless we ask. Are you ok? How ARE you? Do you have time to listen up? I have to do better. I know I do. Know it. Full well. I feel that I am fully engrossed in my life right now. Have been for two and a half years now. I try to unravel myself and look around, making sure all is well. It's hard. It's hard to do. Maybe soon, my story, my 'lot in life' will not encompass my every waking moment. Am I selfish? Am I just trying to make it through? I don't know. As long as I'm aware of it, and try to do better, I figure, I'm on the right track...or at least, the track that is headed in the right direction. I'll get there sooner or later.

What's your story?

Jenn

So What's Up with THAT?

Lots of things to say....

first...

pregnancy....

easy
hard
worth it
painful
time to get to know the movements of your baby
start to love your baby

delivery.... (mine was 3rd C section)

hell
hurts
anxiety
lots of pain
freezing
smells funny
mean anesthesiologist
fast
hurts
worth it all

same topic but from a man's perspective.....
easy
time of pride
easy

Bachelor parties..

why is it men get to go to these parties and see beautiful naked women to celebrate someone's impending marriage?
why do women just sit around in a civilized gathering, give 'gifts', and get home by 5 pm? Never a naked man in sight, no reason to get all hot and bothered. Why is there a double standard for men and women? What gives? And is the wife of the man attending supposed to really just ignore or encourage this behavior?

Whatever..

My note to Lucas..

If you can read it, this is what I put on his marker yesterday, with new flowers as well. I put a beautiful green butterfly yard stake and we weeded around his name plate and brushed and shined it all off. I don't go as frequently as I used to, I still go, but just less. I think of him daily, sometimes a lot through the day, he just flits in and out of my thoughts.

...the day came and went fairly quietly, as I knew it would.

I bear my heart and soul with my words whenever I get the chance-it helps my mind not stay all bottled up you know?

Jacob is calling me now--time to log off...more to say but time to go

I remember..

always..
never to forget..
how you were..
sweet..
simple..
quiet..
loving..
a baby..
just a baby..

always..

no more need be said.

Mamma

Lucas

Tomorrow is an anniversary but not exactly a happy one. I guess it could be if I were in a better place about it but sadly, still, I'm not.

Lucas died two years ago tomorrow. Jacob arrived just in the nick of time to save our hearts, I suppose. There is this one song, I don't know the name, they play it on K-Love, a national radio station. The words make me cry. They bring me to lots of memories--hard memories. Today has been hard, crying for no reason, crying for every reason, crying while looking at Jacob, just crying. Comes and goes.

We will go to the cemetary first thing in the morning. We will remember you; as if we could ever forget you. Sorry, I'm slipping into talking to him. If only your heart had been normal. If only you never needed that damn surgery. If only I hadn't handed you to those two nurses that fateful day, never to see you normal again. If only, if only, if only. So many if onlys


I will close my eyes and get through this day. I love you so much Lucas. You represent so much to all of us. A piece of you in all of us someone said very recently to me. So true. The largest part has been left with Noah, your Daddy, and me. There is a part of my heart that is especially reserved for you, no one ever to touch again. Not Noah, not Jacob, not your Daddy......it's all yours. You were and are our angel baby in Heaven....

I remember you always.

Mamma

Big Sigh

I am an independent person. Always have been. Always. Don't like to ask for help even when it's obvious there are no other options. Don't like it.

When Noah was born, and my husband had to go back to work, I cried that day. Oh my LORD I cried. I stood by that door and I wouldn't let him out. How funny is that? He actually said to me, "I guess I can try to call in and see if I can stay home one more day" and it was then that I realized how ridiculous I was being. Of course I could handle this. I always told myself I could handle anything. So out the door he went and I bet you I cried the whole day. I'm sure I was fine after that and on our lives went.

Along came Lucas and I remember vividly wanting Ivan to go back to work earlier. Very selfish reasons....I wanted more alone time with Lucas who had something wrong with his little heart. I wanted to cherish every second, every nanosecond, alone, just he and I. Of course, I couldn't have him to myself and how absurd is that? But it was the feeling so when Ivan had to go to work, I think I did shed a tear or two after the door closed but then I was on with our lives. I was dead set on making sure Lucas sat up early and began to use his voice earlier than other babies his age and you know what? He did. I engaged him and pushed him along and he didn't seem to mind. His demeanor was always so plyable. So willing to bend to whatever, just like his Daddy. I loved that about him.

So now, here I am, my third child, Jacob. Ivan and Noah leave to go in the morning and I cry again. I am NOT crying all day, just a quick cry and all better. So what gives?

The human emotions are so funny---tricky. You think you have it all beat.

I went on my first trip with him to Wal Mart yesterday. Wow. Needed to get out. Had some things to pick up. So off we went. Gotta write that down. He slept the whole time; who wouldn't with all that crazy noise every WalMart brings? Information overload to a little one.

---No more morning crying. It's silly really. Quite. What in the world? I'm an indepedant person for God's sake!

Jenn

Jake The Snake

Jacob is here. Wow--this boy is beautiful to me. He has officially been dubbed, "Jake the Snake". He is peaceful and deliberate and eats well, sleeps nicely, and now it's time to focus on getting him geared towards a little schedule. Nothing strict or horribly complicated, just something simple.

and so my heart has grown again. Of course, it was going to happen, and I knew it would. How can you carry a child for nine months and then give birth to him and not have your heart grow by leaps and bounds? Its' inevitable and the way it should be. Now we are five with one in Heaven. Four of us here makes it feel a little better. The one watching over us? We cherish him and his memory and that means he is with us. Jacob has brought it all full circle and if it hadn't been for Lucas, it's likely Jacob wouldn't be here now, maybe not at this time.

Mommy times and new baby funny stories--here we come! I can't wait.

Hugs.
Jenn

Lets Talk Dessert

OK. I'm at Sams, I see cookies, I must have them. I get them. I feel guilty. I still get them. I come home. I eat ONE. Then one more and then I stop. I don't finish the second. GUILT.

I saw a grand recipe for a thing called Gooey Butter Cake. I print it. I copy it to my recipe book. I intend to make it.

I have been eating this Sara Lee cheesecake ice cream. I think it's Breyers. It is yumola. Hear me? YUMOLA.

WHAT is wrong with me? I am SO not a huge dessert fan. Yes, I'm plus size, yes I'm a 'plump' girl but dessert has never been the thing that has been my downfall. Never. NOW I'm craving it all. I literally have hours till Jacob is born and I keep walking past those damn cookies I bought from Sams. Just eying them.

Stress and worry and happiness and concern and excitement and just every word you can think of. Its all running through me now as I wash baby blankets and fold clothes and make sure my bag is packed and Jacob's bag is packed and Noah's bag is packed..... Ivan is sick. He didn't go to work today. He'll be fine for tomorrow. He'll be better. I know he will.

Things in our life are about to change in a wonderful wonderful way.....

signing off for now....wish us luck......lots of little butterfly wishes...

----Jenn

Maybe I'm Scared..

So, it's like 230 am. I'm up. You don't want to know why. Why I'm up could be a whole blog entry in itself. I won't go there.

I'm here tonight because yeah, so maybe I'm a little scared. I haven't really said it out loud to anyone. No one has asked. I'm not saying anyone should have asked, just pointing out that I have not said and I have not been asked. So it's been dwelling and brewing and stewing. So, this new little boy is coming, right? It's awesome, it's what life is about. It's what we have wanted and what we planned for and what we took our time in a little bit after Lucas passed away. It wasn't anything hasty I don't think. And here we are. It's time. I'm scared. I'm scared to do this to have a new baby and be happy. There. I said it. Everyone says 'Oh Jenn you look so happy and so wonderful and you are still glowing right down to the last minute'. Truth is, I AM happy. I'm happy it's all happening, that he seems healthy and that Noah will have another little brother to play with. I could list you a thousand more reasons why I should be happier and while I think I am--I'm also thinking, I could probably stand to be able to show it more or really let the feeling bloom out if you will. I'm scared to leave Lucas behind in my happiness. What a crazy insane out of this world thought and worry. I know. You don't even have to tell me. I'm telling myself FOR you.

Looking back, looking ahead, it all gets confusing in my head. Lost a boy, having a new boy, two totally different things. This happens all the time. Parents lose a child and they have a new one. I bet they don't write about any of it either. I bet they get on just fine. I bet it's not easy for them but I also bet other people think, 'oh you have a new child and life will be all better for you now' phew don't you feel better and by the way so do I. Sounds mean. It is mean. But one more bet--------I bet it's true. It's like a sigh of relief around the world. It's a sigh of relief I'm sure I'm supposed to feel. Maybe I will. But I'm still scared. Can't even write it without crying.

Emotions? Yep. High emotions? Yep. Moving on is what it is. I have to first give myself permission to do that though. See, I'm smart enough to know it but it's one thing when your head knows something and your heart just can't quite get it together. There are some things that time cannot erase or take away. I suppose, the pain of losing my ten month old son who I knew so well, is still as sharp as ever. He was a peaceful and happy baby who literally loved his brother as much as any little baby could. I remember, he would lock his eyes on Noah and not let him out of his sight. He would squeal at the sight of him and laugh at any little thing Noah did. That brought more joy than I can express. So now, knowing that can exist, that kind of love and joy....I'm scared. What is wrong with me? That is supposed to be HAPPY.

I'll catch up quick. As soon as I see him, my heart will catch up. Right? Yeah, that's it...maybe I"m a little scared. Two days left. I'm sure he will look like Noah and Lucas (who look like Ivan and my sister) but I'm hoping for a little blonde hair. Give me that at least.... :) Well, maybe not BLONDE but lighter then. Maybe he can look a little like I had something to do with it --- eh?

Till then---

J

Baby Time

Just a few more days now of the three of us. Soon will be four again. How wonderful. I really can't wait for the sleepless times and happy feelings. I know there will be nights I will want to just lose it but also, I know, it will be more worth it than anything ever too.

I think because of Lucas, this will mean more and each memory will linger longer. Wonder what he'll look like? Wonder if he'll be as content and peaceful as Lucas was? Wonder if he'll be as infatuated with Noah as Lucas was. Do you know that Noah is constantly talking to Jacob? He will come and talk right into my belly. I sometimes make my belly move and he thinks that is Jacob communicating back. It's so sweet. He can't wait for Jacob to come. I think none of us can wait now.

Soon enough, our lives will change again. What a beautiful life. What a sad and happy and beautiful life. Somehow, it all meshes together; no?

Be well--

Jenn