Can I tell you something funny?

Right now, it's all about the geese. Yep, it's the geese again. Ivan is being driven nuts by them. I watch him go ballistic when they get in our back yard. I will admit, I don't like it either cause they poop all over the place but it's like a borderline obsession now. Even Noah will start yelling, "Get out of our yard!" Funny.

They are so bold. So mean. They want in our yard because they can't have our yard. Our grass taste the same as all the other grass around the lake yet they pine to be in our yard. So weird. He says that they do graze around the whole lake but our yard is included in 'the whole lake' and they want that too. Do you KNOW how much they poop? And how BIG it is? Good Lord. They are very territorial. Ivan has put these stakes with wires all around our back yard. Our neighbor followed suit but he didn't stake every area and they figure a way in. Then they get really bold and get in our yard. He even put up one of the whirly twirly things and that freaked the geese out for about two weeks. If there is any kind of wind, it makes that thing twirl around and they don't like it. Finally, one of the geese figured out it can't hurt them and they are over it. Trying to get back in the yard again. Too good to be true. Thought they'd stay away forever. Right.

So now, they are back in their 70 something group. Will they go when it's winter? I can't wait then. I'm over the geese. I loved them at first, what WAS I thinking? Really? Why did someone not take my temperature? My brain must have been boiling..

oy.

--J

The Lottery

So Noah and I are in the car. He hears the lady on the radio telling us the news. One story was about a man who had just won the lottery as part of a group of people and decided to change his life. He was going to "stop smoking so he could live to enjoy his fortune". Noah wanted to know what a 'fortune' was.

I explain to him that the man she was just talking about sadly didn't know that his life was worth living even before he won the lottery and his 'fortune'. Noah just looked at me with these 'go on' eyes like tell me what you mean... I told him that there are lots of people in this world that think money makes you happy. They think that money will take all of your problems away and that isn't true. I told him that you have to know what really makes you happy in your life and cherish all your breaths, every single one of them. He seemed to understand it when I put it like that. He wanted to know what a lottery was and I told him what it was and how you could win blah blah blah but at the end, he said this..... "Mom, I think we're all happy with our life aren't we? We don't need a fortune to help us be happier do we?" Well, how do you answer that? Of course, money would help. Take it all away though and you have to know who you are, what makes you tick, what makes your soul fly, and the things that put smiles in your heart. How do you explain that to a little boy? I just said, "the lottery is nice if you win it Noah but there are other things that make you happy (he chimes in, 'like watching Star Wars?') that mean more than all of those dollars any day of the week". He seemed perfectly satisfied and looked out the window.

This is the stuff of life you know? These are the things, these are the values and morals we teach our kids. Will they grow up and cherish the wrong things? We hope not, right? It depends what we teach them. I will not lie to you, the lottery, it would be nice. Do I even play the lottery? No. Rarely in my life, if I'm at 7-11 and I'm paying and I look down, I might buy a scratch ticket. Maybe twice a year. Never the kind of ticket you could win big on though. Just never crosses my mind. The man in the story? His life is now changed, he is even going to quit smoking. Should have done it years ago but it took winning money to make him think his life was now worth living. Strange isn't it? Strange what money can make a person do. All the time, the whole entire time, his life was worth living and he didn't know it, didn't think it. How wrong he was. Even with the losses we have suffereed, even I know that.

Maybe once, in the beginning, maybe just once, I wanted to sit in my bathroom and make it all go away. It was when we got home from Philadelphia and Lucas was gone. At that moment, I decided, no, Noah and Ivan need me. Noah needs me now more than ever. And true it was. He did, he does. I am his mamma, and because he needs me and for many more reasons which I can now see, my life is worth living. Has nothing to do with smoking or money. You either know it or you don't. How strange is it that I thought what the woman on the radio said was sad rather than happy. Clearly he is now happy, and it was a happy story....but behind the scenes, that's all I heard, that one comment 'he stopped smoking so he could live to enjoy his fortune'. And I thought.... how sad. Money has nothing to do with real happiness. Absolutely nothing.

Jenn

The start of a newer day..

We're down to the wire folks. The time is basically here. Soon we will have a crying, sleepy, beautiful baby boy in our home to love and cherish along with Noah. I've been rolling along thinking yes we're having a baby but it seemed so far off. So now the thing we have wanted since Lucas left us almost two years ago is finally here. What more could we want?? Dead silence. I know the answer to that like the back of my hand.

We want nothing more, don't worry. That's all. Just a simple gift from God. He's coming and then life will be upside down hectic. Ivan and I will battle over this and that but then life will be sweet. It just will. We have long realized we have so much love left to give, this will help us to feel more complete.

Wouldn't it be funny if we had a girl? Oh, yes, that would be a hoot. I'm so NOT prepared for THAT. I need no drama. I need no surprises. I need to be as well prepared for whatever lie ahead as I can. I'm sure you can hear God chuckling as we speak. I think I've heard it somewhere before, "If you want to get a good laugh out of God, go ahead and tell him all your plans" . It's the whole, think you have it all worked out and BAM! Yep, it's been known to happen to us a few times before. I know it all too well.

I'm getting excited to wear my normal clothes again. But life as we know it......it's about to change no? :) Wish us luck. Times they are a changin'.

--J

So many things...

So many things. Sometimes, lists help me. Sometimes I can't even think straight enough to get the paper and pen to MAKE the flippin list. I am faced with the ever loving question-what to do with my life? I think of it often. Yep, back to the refried dreams thing. Mamma? Always to be a Mamma. And a good one at that. With all my heart and soul-forever.

A Director? I think so, but I don't know. I mean I like it and it challenges me and I think I do a good job and people respect me (maybe) but is it my lifes dream? Truthfully? Honestly? Probably not. When I think of what I wish in my heart what I were doing, it's more like, party planning and event planning and owning an establishment where people can come and celebrate different things in their life. Do you know that this takes? It takes guts. It takes sticktuitiveness (sp) and it takes committment. And a writer? Oh yes. With such an exclamation point do I want to be a writer! But so many things...just stuff. The stuff of life. Big decsions and little ones. All to be made smartly no doubt. If you make just one dumb decision, then you start off on this path of wandering or going down the wrong way, wrong turn, just one wrong move and it's all to heck. Anything can be fixed, yep it can but it takes such effort to really back track a lot. And you have to be a risk taker. If your partner is not a risk taker, it makes it that much more tougher. Even more of a challenge. What to do..what to do....

My comfort zone is just that but it can be a very hectic and stressful one. And it very much is. I take on more than I should and then I feel the tension rise. Fix it I must. I don't know. Just so many things....it boggles the brain, it jumbles the senses. It can break you down. I'm proud of my accomplishments but there is so much more to do....so many more things. I am so young... oh yes time to sign off, I'm rambling so much, I'm starting to scare myself.

Fix it I must. ---Yoda.

Jenn

So maybe it's the pregnancy...

I swear, I have lots going on in my life. I am proud of Noah and it shows but maybe these days I'm just looking at him in a different light. Maybe because the baby is coming so soon, maybe because he really is growing up, maybe because I'm just appreciating him and all that he offers to our lives, I don't know. We have this running thing, I keep telling him not to grow up. I think I tell it to everyone. I tell it to him all the time. He just looks at me and smiles, "mom I have to" or gives me a devilish grin and says "I won't stop growing". Every night when I give him his vitamin, he takes it with zest. I pretend I don't want to give it to him and because I'm pretending that, he wants it more and pops it in his mouth so fast, I couldn't get it back even if I wanted to. He knows it helps him grow and he's hell bent on making me know he wants to grow up. It's like a little game.

Thank God for you Noah. You have been my safety vest in very troubled waters. You won't understand that now, but one day you will. You have helped me move on, even if I only moved a little, it's better than what would have happened if you weren't here at all. I can't even imagine that. Not at all.

Mamma.

My thoughts..

The world according to me. Hmph. I have within the last two years been known to hold strong opinions on lots of things. I suppose it seems I stand on my soap box with one shoulder dipping lower than the other because the chip on it is so heavy. Maybe it's true. I don't think it is. I think maybe I've always had quick reactions but maybe held them in more. I like to deal with problems head on; that is my comfort zone. Once we lost Lucas, and I started to look around at this big bad world, I started thinking, wheels spinning, and remarking. This is what I think of this, this is what I think of that. It's not to say you can't have your opinion, it's just your going to hear mine now. Life is too short to not say what you are thinking. Life is too short to think all must agree with all. At work, I absolutely do NOT agree with everyone's opinions. I'm not always in a position to say it. It might not be 'politically correct'. But rest assured, I'm thinking it. There are many times I'm encouraged to say my opinion and just others where my opinion is not solicited yet it's still brewing in my head.

What does losing a child have to do with one's personality? TONS! You just see things differently. In our case, we feel Lucas shouldn't have died. I think we're justified in that. His surgery went all wrong. That is why he suffered for the next four months of his life. There is a LOT of anger in that. I don't want to live with that anger and let it rule my life but it has changed my personality. So when I think something, I usually come out on the side of, "yep, I pretty much feel that way". Don't ask me to explain it. It just is. Don't hate me for it. I can't change it. I have searched and searched for a better side in me since he passed away. Instead, I have only found the rougher, harder side. I think what I think about politics, about life, about family, about friends, about whatever. It used to be I was more in the middle, on the fence about a lot. Maybe afraid to say what I really thought. No longer is that the case. No more.

Take me or leave me. That is what I am. At work and at home. I don't think I'm always right, I just think what I think. Maybe that is a bunch of hoopla but what can I say? Those are my thoughts......

--J

Family names...

Isn't it funny how we give different nick names and names in the family? It starts with a rhyme or a twist or a slip of the tongue--you never know. My sister, her name is Valerie. Her middle name is Jean. When she was little we'd call her Bean. Bean rhymes with Jean. She hated it. We'd call her Bean then it turned to Beaner. So now without thinking, I'll be talking about her or to my husband or if she's around and I'll say Beaner blah blah blah. And poor her, I've got my son calling her Aunty Beaner. He calls her that like it's her name. He says it in public or wherever. I think she's so used to it by now but it's so the norm that I hardly ever think of it anymore. My niece calls her Aunty Val but Noah calls her Aunty Beaner. Funny. My husband's nickname is Oobie. ????? It started too when he was a little boy. He liked this Filipino food named oobie (believe me, you don't want to know what it is; disgusting). So now, our nephews on that side of the family call him Uncle Oobie. I think it's hilarious when I stop and really give it thought. Uncle Oobie. My other sister is Minner. Her real name is Mindy. You see? It's insane! Terms of endearment, no doubt.

Ask me what MY nickname is? Hah! I don't have one! I never let one stick! Well, now I take that back, I do from time to time get called Sissy still. Both of my sisters will say it to me. Sissy this or sissy that. I answer to it, so I guess that's my nickname. Dang. Almost got away with it. So silly we all are.

--Jenn

Our children

We want the best for them. We want them to know right from wrong. We do not want them exposed to violence or things to far advanced for them. We want them to know and understand how to treat others. How to show and garner respect.

I do not want my child watching movies that portray killing or violence or obscene language. Why should he be introduced to that kind of thing at the age of six (newly six thankyouverymuch)? I do want to know where he is and when he's there exactly what he is doing. I do care. I care what is going on at his school or summer camp, I want to know that he is being well taken care of and happy. Are those not normal things? Does that make me a Mom who is too anal? Am I babying him? I want him to behave in public and listen to what he is told. Is that wrong?

I wanted to bring children into this world. I wanted to share that with Ivan. I think I'm good at being a Mom. I want him to have fun, learn his environment, and give him enough boundaries to be able to figure it all out. That does not mean we won't instill rules. I think children need that. I think they actually crave it. Just like they need a set schedule and need to know what is expected of them.

I'm writing all this to say that I hope hope hope we are doing the right thing with him and Jacob soon to come. I believe in our philosophies, values and morals. If the place we have him during the day does not help instill them, then there is a problem. If the people we entrust to take care of our children are failing or disappointing us, then it's up to us to know it and it's up to us to take care of it. Bottom line. It's up to us. They are our children.

--Jenn

Happy Birthday NOAH POAH

Happy Birthday to my big boy who turns six years old today. I never would have thought he would have turned out to be such a smart and sweet little boy. I hoped for it, but amazingly, it has come to fruition. I have watched him--and will continue to watch him-- grow and change and figure things out and push his boundaries to the ABSOLUTE LIMIT and have loved it all. This big world is a lot for a little one to figure out you know? Ivan and I will be there for him...helping him get it all straight and correcting him when he gets out of line. He'll learn. I trust that he will.

Noah, I love you! You make us so proud!

Sadder

-Nothing is sadder than enduring the present rather than fighting for the future-

I saw this somewhere and it was like a ring of truth in my ears. Thought I'd share.

As your life passes you by....

Watch it go...there are memories and then there are hopes for what is to come. Regardless of where you are...it just flies by. I am trying so hard to really and truly get and understand that its best to approach life with a smile but as soon as I get into that thought process or cycle, I remember.

I try but I'm also waiting for an epiphany with a little help from above.

We took a family photo at Picture People last night with Ivan's side of the family. Caught that moment in time. We've never done that with his side. Then Noah and the boys took one together. That will be something to really look back on. Before we know it, they will all be teenagers or older and we'll be saying, "where did the time go?"

Take all the pictures you can. Capture all the memories you can. You won't be able to remember it all later, I know, I live this now.

Check out the handsome cousins. Now THAT is a picture...

Sharing

UGH I'm getting so mad. Now I can't get this picture to upload and I did it fine the other day. Frustration!

Mack Truck

So, it's all coming like a mack truck. I can handle it. No doubt. Nothing is wrong. I'm alright; don't need any help but let me tell you, it's coming straight on. Jacob is going to be here very soon. Very soon. Life is going to change in the sweetest of ways. I've been combining my thoughts of Lucas and Jacob and they are starting to intermingle, to mesh into one. It's all complicated in my head. Crazy complicated. His image is with me, his memory I guess. I see his face so very easily and truly his memory is not even fading; not one bit. Is it supposed to? Then I try to fast forward and think of what Jacob will look like. Probably, just like his daddy. Just like his two brothers. They all look alike. That will settle that...

Noah's party is upon us and anyone that knows us, his birthday parties are no easy feat. Lots of people and lots of prep and lots of fun but nonetheless, this year it's a bit different.... I'm SO pregnant! Not much left to do but decorate and prep the food etc but its all barrelling ahead...

Stuff with the case....

Work is keeping me afloat I must say. I think because my adrenaline is pumped so high for work and to make sure all is getting done and done right before I go out, I am not feeling overly tired, I'm not finding it more difficult to get up in the morning or wanting to take naps..it's the Braxton Hicks contractions that are wearing me down :) but that just means Jacob is truly coming and my body is just practicing and getting ready.

Put it all together and it's quite something to keep up with it all even if it's just in my head.

---Jenn

How funny is this....

So I'm at DMV this morning bright and early (and btw this has nothing to do with the fabulous picture of my sweet son Noah to the left) and ALL I WANT TO DO IS RENEW MY LICENSE. There are not that many people there YET and so I'm thinking, 'yeah, I'm good, this won't be as painful as I thought'. SO, I get in the main line, ya gotta get past this one woman before you get to go to a teller who can fix your problem. I have to stand behind this poor young girl who is all upset and in a bind about her registration. She starts off by telling 'the woman' who has all our futures in her hands that she had no choice but to buy a car from XYZ car dealer and the 'woman' says to her "oh honey, you always have a choice, you should NOT have bought from there, they'll rob you blind". So I'm thinkin' ok, here we go. My foot starts involuntarily tapping. I'm aware of it, but barely. This means, I'm just on the beginning edge of losing my patience. Not there yet but it's coming. The young girl says "No, I DIDN"T have a choice and anyway I'm here about my registration." The 'woman' gives a hmph and listens to her woes. The girl is quite young maybe 20. She seems rather clueless but trying to stand her ground and we all learn through this that the dealership is rather scheisterey and they likely did not apply for her registration nor did they report the sale to DMV . The 'girl' is VERY upset to learn this and the woman commences to tell her, "honey you really DO have a choice, did you know that we are trying to put them out of business? They don't treat people right". My foot is outwardly and rather aggressively tapping now as I look around me and I see windows open and nice people waiting to help all of US who are trapped behind the 'girl' and the 'woman' who are arguing about whether or not she had a choice where to buy her car. I feel fume coming out of my ears ever so slightly and I think I may have huffed a couple of times. While they continued to talk, my mind began to wander and I was wondering why a Hampton Police Officer had to be stationed at the DMV for God's sake. What? Do people go postal in there? What in the WORLD? After about five more minutes of what she needs to do and whether she had a choice or not, they wrap it up and by now, I'm po'd. Ready to rock and roll, I slide up to first in line (after an unGodly amount of wait time for just one person in front of me) the absurdity of it all.....
I tell the 'woman' that I simply want to renew my license; that's all (with a big fake smile on my face), nothing complicated. She says to me, 'honey is is expired?' I'm sure I rolled my eyes when I said "well yes it is". She just looks at me (kay this is the beginning of the day right? no reason for drama or having had a bad day yet right?) and then she says with a slow drawl, 'do you have legal presence??" Before I could catch my words, I said, "what do I need an attorney for this?" then I bit my tongue because that WAS rather rude.... and so she told me that I needed my birth certificate for God's sake or my citizenship card or my passport. I'm thinking you have GOT to be kidding me. I hate this place. HATE. It's usually a zoo there and I thought I had beat the zoo goers this day. Hampton DMV is a place you want to avoid if you can, it's quite chaotic. I looked in my wallet and all I could find was my drivers license. So I offered that up and she said, 'honey it's expired, that's why you're here I can't use it'. I'm pissed. By now there are a ton of people behind me glaring at ME. I had to go home, find my birth certificate and go back there? uh uh. I know for a fact, I had fire coming out of my ears unabashedly at this point, not even trying to refrain anymore. I ask for some documentation on this for proof cause I feel she is giving me the runaround and she slings a peice of paper at me. I stand there blatently and slowly reading it all barely moving. People behind me are shotting daggers at me no doubt, I can feel them, one by one hitting my back. I still stood there. I took a big fat sigh and turned to walk away feeling defeated and beaten in this chore I was sure I was going to accomplish early this morning and the final straw falls to the ground...... the woman says loudly as I'm walking away, "Honey, if you hadn't let it expire, you wouldn't have to GO through this". I stop. I take a deep breath. She is QUITE bossy I must say. I'm thinking, keep walking, keep walking don't turn around, don't look at her, keep walking. Something in me made my feet rotate and I suddenly was facing her direction and once again my mouth was open and these words were coming out, "Well Thank you SO much for ALL of your help, you have been wonderful and I'm NOT your honey" and then I turned around and walked out the door feeling just a tad better.

Suddenly it hit me, THAT is why there was a police man stationed at the DMV. You CAN go postal in there! Yep, it all made sense as I was leaving. And guess what? I never went back today, that was my rebellion act for the day. One more weekend of driving with an expired license. dang. I guess the jokes on me.

---J

blah

blue
blah
bleak
fabulous
wonderful
blah


it's pretty much blah

Crazy days..

These are some of my crazy days...

• phone never stops ringing. Never.
• firing people way too much
• talking to upset residents who argue they owe money
• hearing from my attorney in the middle of my day to totally and completely distract me
• talking/counseling employees who want more money more money more money
• get an average of 75 emails a day that I'm supposed to read, absorb and respond to as quickly as possible
• no time to eat lunch, literally have to make myself leave the place I'm at and get food
• thinking about Lucas in Heaven; sweet little baby boy I miss you
• getting kicked by the sweet boy in my 'belly' growing so fast and giving me pains
• not having time to go to the bathroom
• talking with deacons and pastors who want/need to pay rent for someone in their congregation like WAY too many times-it borderlines insanity
• reviewing crazy reports and analyses non stop

But then, I get to go home. and breath. and unwind. and spend time with the boys. and dinner. My God I have not even THOUGHT about dinner. what's for dinner? and oh guess what? I need to open the laptop because something else is due.

crazy days in many ways. AND my cat pees on throw rugs in the house now THAT sends me over the freakin rainbow. I think I'm the only meany in this house who wants to get rid of her. She's like a grandmother I'm told. Yah, a grandmother who pees on the carpet and with a baby coming, I'm not having it. Now that will make my day insanely crazy. I totally lose my mind in anger over it. Gone. And here she sits just looking at me. she's so scared of me, if I could just catch her, I'd go rub her nose in it. yep. I would.

Jenn

Saying

The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time. --Abraham Lincoln

So true. It's easy to get overwhelmed when you think about all that lies ahead. I got to thinking tonight, it can be very overwhelming. It's easy to get emotional. Last night, I fell asleep talking to Lucas and crying. The thing is-my mind was hopping all over the place but it always came back to him. The last thing I remember is crying. Then Ivan got in bed and I felt comforted immediately, just knowing my best friend was there. No words need be said you know? It's just a feeling. I fell off to the land of lumber....

Today was a good day. We relaxed, had plans but not set in stone and it was a nice day. Things happen as they are supposed to and so that's that. Maybe it's time I learned that lesson. It's easier said than done but it's in my mind and I know it, the heart just has to catch up. --

Noah's birthday is coming and I can hardly believe it's July 4th. I can hardly believe its JULY for God's sake. Where has the time gone? The time that is zinging by not waiting for anything. I tell Noah this all the time; don't grow up, just stay the same, don't turn (the next number) /six. He says, "I want to Mom. I have to" Oy. It just happens. He's so onto me. I was reading Chicken Soup for the Parent's Soul the other day and there were two stories that moved me to tears (go figure) and he was right at my side, even though I was crying silently. Are you sad about Lucas mom? What's wrong? With his little hand on my shoulder I just looked at him. It wasn't about Lucas for once. It was about HIM. I'll put in on the blog soon but it was a story about a little boy going off to first grade. It got me to thinking about all that lies ahead....see how it all ties together?

One day, it will all make sense, this I know. If you know nothing else about me, you know that I believe that.

I hear fireworks folks, I'm off. Time to enjoy with the boys.

Jenn

Geese

Kay. Let me just say--let me just clarify----I DO love the geese. Just not in my backyard. This I must set straight you see. They are quite beautiful, oh yeah baby, they are. Love to watch 'em. HOWEVER they come in our yard and they eat our grass (all fine) but then they POOP there. The poop? It's about the size of a large dog's poop. It's crazy. How can we play in the backyard if there is goose crap there?

So, I'm just sayin' we are the only ones who actively chase these silly geese away. We are the only ones. A fence is so expensive. I was lovin' all the nature around here and now it's all settin in...not lovin it so much now. The frogs are LOUD and the geese well, they poop everywhere. I'm so not smiling :).

Oy. What to do about these geese? They have literally doubled in number since we've been here. Ivan counted 70. I count 66. Either way, that is a LOT.

No more geese.

Jenn

July 4th

Enjoy your Holiday weekend. We will be spending it together just relaxing. It's perfect weather; hot and humid-yukko.

I think we'll take in a fireworks show together just the three of us. I remember we did that when Noah turned one. Seems right we'll do it again just the three of us before Jacob arrives.

I hear the frogs again. Puppies, frogs, whatever they are.....

Happy Independence Day America!