Songs from the 1890's-man I feel old....

So Ivan has discovered LimeWire. He has gotten some songs you could say. Noah has been loving it. He has a very open mind when it comes to music as I'm sure all kids do. Ivan made a CD of songs we knew when we were growing up; Sting (Roxanne for one) and Tears for Fears and the like. Noah belts them out. He really likes the song "Shout" (shout shout let it all out, these are the things I could do without come on). He makes me play it over and over. Whatever, I can take it or leave it. Sure they bring me back to when I was in HIGH SCHOOL but whatever, I'm not as jazzed about it as they are.

So Noah says to me, Mom, you're lucky you had these songs back in the 1890's. At first I let it go by because I was only half paying attention. Then suddenly, I absorbed what he said and I laughed. Man do I feel old. 1890's huh? ouch. Then we ran into the old Director he had at Riverside and she just could not get over how he had changed and grown. She just kept staring at him and then she said it, "I feel so old" and I was thinking the same thing simultaneously. Crazy.

Sometimes you just want to grab the clock and make it stop. Grab time and make it stop. Just for a minute. Just for an hour. Maybe a day--ain't gonna happen is it? Man, gotta love those songs from the 1890's. :)

--J

Want what you can't have...

Isn't it true that you always want want want what you can't have have have? It's so true. I got to thinking about this when my friend said she was drinking wine and trying to relax. Man, what I wouldn't give to have a drink of beer. Isn't that the funniest thing? I'm not a beer drinker by nature at ALL. Woe is me, I've been wanting a BEER. Suddenly, when I'm pregnant and cannot have any wine or beer obviously (and never would and don't usually)---I'm wanting a beer or a drink of a beer.

Kids with TV, they see something on TV and they have to have it. Don't have it but need it. Have to have it. The grass is always greener so I have to be where the grass is greener then bam! the grass isn't really so green over here, it's more like brown mud and I was better over there so now if I could only get back over there, I could have sworn there was a patch of grass on that side..I just know there was. I've always told Noah, "don't believe everything you see on TV their job is to make you want the thing they are showing you and they make it sound like it's so wonderful and so neat but when you buy it, it's not what you thought it was" he has long believed me (well, it's kind of true isn't it?) .

I want this, I want that, but do I need this do I need that? Probably not. Actually, not. Want or need? Hmmmm. Maybe I need to re evaluate. I think it's a lot of want, not need. The thing is being able to step back and analyze---it's the whole big picture thing. Ugh. I hate the big picture sometimes....there are times it's good and there are times I'd like to ignore it.

Lets ignore it for today. :)

Jenn

Mad

Sometimes I just get so dang mad. It could be one little thing that sets me off OR it could be lots of whatever the thing is built up that sets me off. There are times it seems futile to fight the aggravation. Why try? There will be no change ---of this I am sure. Sure, maybe for the moment there might be, but then back at it we go. Lots of fun this bantering back and forth eh?
Such fun one might think; sparring about this and that. Nope. I find no fun in it. Life holds too much else to get all tangled up about. Eventually, the thing just goes away till next time. Ugh. I hate being mad like that. Did you know it can ruin your whole day? Your whole 24 OR 48 hours?

I'm getting out of the funk. Just had to vent. I'm better now. yep. am better now.

Trying again

Can you see this?

The three of us..

Here we are. Before the baby. With the baby but yet not quite in the fullest of ways. He's still growing inside and moving around like a tornado but not out in the big bad world yet.

We are a dynamic trio, that's for sure. We all have our ups and downs just like everyone else but there is an added edge to it all-that of the missing baby. On a brighter note, Ivan and I are amused at Noah often; he just tickles us. He's helpful at times but not at others, still figuring out the manners thing, has a great heart and really loves on me a lot. Today, when he and Ivan got home, I was out back but could hear them come in through the screen door. He announced to me that Lucas' spirit was with him and for me to come see it. I came inside and looked to see what he meant, I right away saw a prism of light but that isn't what he was talking about, he was pointing to another area where I could see nothing. He just stood there and said, "there he is". I told him to look behind him and he might be there too, and when he turned around, he saw the rainbow of light shining on the carpet and the smile on his face was irreplaceable. It's all normal to him. If someone else had witnessed that, I'm not sure what they would make of it. Ivan and I completely accept it and know it comes from a good place. In his mind, he's got this whole thing figured out. Wish it were that easy for us. He says he has two brothers and you know what? He's right. I love that he's cool with that.

We have been through some things, there's no doubt. Even with all of that, we getting ready to embrace a new child, a new sibling, new laughter and all that comes with it. Sleepless nights; bring them on. I have been craving it for oh so long. I got to hold my coworkers sweet little baby girl today. She is adorable and it revved me up for Jacob. I'm ready. Absolutely. Come what may; healthy or not, I'm ready. I think all is well and they have monitered me well but it doesn't matter. There's a lot riding on this little baby you know. It's maybe even unfair to him. I'll try to reign myself in. He'll be his own little person and I won't put any horrible expectations on him. I'm just getting a little bit more excited that our little family of three will soon be four. Take that back, it'll really be a family of five. It just so happens that one of us, is up in Heaven. He visits us enough in different ways and I know that will just continue.

Jenn

Sucker Frogs

So there is yet another animal I have discovered around here. It's a green tree frog and it sticks to everything. I have also discovered that these are the frogs that sound like puppies. You should see them, they are small and cute and oh so bright green. I rather like them. Mindy calls them sucker frogs. I guess cause they suck their little feet like glue to everything. I like that name.

I wish I could put a picture of one on here. Ivan doesn't like them, I do. Go figure. :)

---J

Sorry--heavy is the word

The things I am driven to write about are so big picture, so LIFE and not often light hearted. I'm sorry about that. I wish I could and did have more lighthearted things to fill my soul and write about. Maybe I just have to shed the heavier layers (in more ways than one) to get to the light stuff. My life used to be like that. K sera sera and all that jazz. Laughing at everything, not serious about too much. Life changed in a flash didn't it?


So let me try.... ok maybe this isn't exactly lighthearted. Today I'm really grasping...

I have this friend, she lives far far away. She is a wonderful person. Full of thoughtfulness, life, and great advice. She listens but doesn't get too assertive with me. I haven't seen her in over six years yet we have grown so close via email. We were not friends for a super amount of time before she moved away. I will say from the moment I met her, we had kind of a connection. Had some things in common, some strange things like our wedding anniversary and first date anniversary with our perspective husbands... Anyhow, she has been there for me. She knew when I didn't or couldn't talk what it meant when Lucas had died. She didn't push ever. I was mean to her I'm sure. I didn't want to be mean, but I was figuring things out. Still am. For whatever reason, she thinks I'm this great person and tells me this a lot. It still amazes me that I haven't made her so mad because I am so voiceful about what I think about life, her life, my life, the world whatever. She just gets me. Thanks Tammy for being there to listen in the way only you can. It's a connection different than even a family member. It's being able to joke or say anything with no aftermath, no consequences or fear of being honest. I see you struggle too with things in your life and I try to help--who knows if you truly listen :) but know that I hear you and think of you often.

That's the most lighthearted thing I have today. The other stuff, well, it weighes ten thousand tons. Tomorrow will be better.

Refried Dreams

Ever heard of refried dreams? My dreams change but they stay the same. I'm not talking about the dreams I have every night, my God, those are WILD. I'm talking about what I want to do when I get to a point I can or just make it happen.

Somehow the idea stays the same but mutates a little, changes a bit here and there then it comes full circle and it's the same again. It's like refried beans but refried dreams. I don't particularly care for refried beans, they kind of remind me of dog food. Forbid I"m at a Mexican restaurant and some comes on my plate. Ugh.

Why don't I just go for what I want? Why don't I just take the risk? Is it too much work? Is it stepping out of my comfort zone? Yes to all. I don't like refried beans and I don't like refried dreams. I guess as life passes us by, dreams just change. Maybe it's normal. I don't know. One day...... I will make it happen, one day, I will take the risks. One day.....

J

Happiness

Sometimes it's hard to find happiness within yourself
but know this
It's impossible to find your happiness in other people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a quote I saw today that made me stop and think. It couldn't be more true. I want to be present and accountable for my life. For my son, for my husband, I hope I 'm there. I hope my mind hasn't wandererd so far off the beaten path in search of 'Lucas' and the why's of it all.

I will try harder.....

Jenn

Could there be anything better

• than a moonlight swim?
• than loving your family so much you just know it was meant to be; perfect in lots of ways, not so in others but in the grand scheme of it all-perfect nonetheless?
• having a dream about your husband that tells you things are exactly as they should be, everything is in the right place and just where it should be with your relationship?
• than knowing you pretty much hate to cook but loving that it's ok, whatever you put on the table is appreciated anyway?
• being so confident in yourself and your thoughts that it doesn't matter what others think of you as long as you treat them with respect?
• feeling a baby grow inside you and rumble and tumble and kick and ball up and flail out and make you gasp and smile all at once? Personally, I don't think so.

There are many things in my life that make me sad on a daily basis and not only things having to do with Lucas. Seeing Michael Jackson be acquitted, that made me very sad. Hearing stories on the news about parents who abuse their children or kill them. That brings me to tears. Knowing that ultimately I am responsible for my own healing and being open enough to God that I can and will get to a better place about Lucas; that doesnt make me sad but sometimes it scares me. Having said all that, the things I listed above--they (as little in consequence as they might be) help negate the harder stuff. Pretty cool isn't it? It's life. It's what you make it. Take it or leave it, it's all there in black and white.

How big is that picture?

--J

My Son, the Funny Man

I'm shocked. It's happening. I knew it was but I see it ever EVER so clearly now. He is changing. Growing (I won't say 'growing UP' but I'll just say growing). He is saying things that are taking my breath away. I'm sure this feeling comes over all parents but this is all new to me since he's kind of paving the way. I'm going to list you some quotes from the past twelve hours alone. Take from them what you will but in most of them, I see that he is trying to be Mr. Funny Man. I asked him that yesterday, if he thought he was Mr. Funny Man and he said, "Nooooooooooo" with a lilt on the 'ooooooo'. I told him he was not Jim Carey.

Big boy hood, here we come:

• Mom, whenever I'm with you and we are out, I think you are beautiful, I even thought it when I was a baby. (sigh)
• Mind your own business (to which I literally gasped). My business is my business, your business is your business and Dad's business is Dad's business. (huh?)
• Dad, leave me alone, you're annoying me. (no words necessary)

The second one, literally put me in a quiet state for a couple of minutes. I thought, my God, what is happening to him? He NEVER talks like that. I reminded him that I've never said that to him and therefore he need never say it to me again. Ivan reminded him that his business is always our business to which Noah repeated bullet number 2 verbatum with no hesitation. What is happening?

I see myself in him when I was little. Sassy. It's happening. Yes, it truly is. It's all coming true. He does think he's a funny man. All the back talking my parents endured, I'm about to endure aren't I? Kay. I can handle this. I can do it. Note to self: Try not to laugh too loud the next time he spouts off random thoughts from his brain. I can't even turn my head anymore, he knows I'm hiding my smile and laughter. I have to practice self control. Yep. My son, he thinks he's a funny man.

--J

white butterflies

I have been seeing them all over. I was beginning to get discouraged as last year, I noticed them very prevelantly much earlier in the year. I thought I wouldn't see them. Now they are out. Noah has noticed them as well.

It's not that I think (truly) every butterfly is Lucas but in a way, I do. I think that his spirit lightly touches the butterfly and simply flies in my space to say hello, to remind me he is there, to tell me he loves me. It's a spiritual thing if that makes sense. I usually say outloud, there's Lucas/hello Lucas/or hey bubba dubba. Even if that butterfly is not him, he hears me in Heaven. I am sure of it.

To the day I die, the meaning in the little things will never go away, it will never lighten, in fact, it will only strengthen. It helps me to know there is a higher power, Lucas is free in Heaven and he touches us here on earth. All of our loved ones do. I know it. I believe in it with all I have.

One day, I'll have all the knowledge I need and crave. It will come. All the questions will be answered, the why's will all be told to me. I believe... Lucas if I could have captured your little soul in a jar, I would have. I miss you more than you could ever know and our connection is still real.

Kisses to you----
mamma

This has been

The start of a new day. I can come here almost daily if I want, which I don't always have time for but if I want, I can. I can come here and write about whatever is twirling around in my brain. Maybe what is happening is I am gearing up for bigger things. Maybe this is all practice.

You know, I have this book I have begun and is halfway done. Did you know how long I've been saying "it's halfway done"? Quite some time now. I will finish it, I'm not worried I won't finish it. I wonder if all of this, and stuff on Lucas' site, all of it is sort of like me unknowingly practicing up . You know things happen and we do things, take certain paths and sometimes, we have no idea there is a purpose behind it. When I think about what I really want to do with my life, three things come to mind. In order of importance, they are: Be a wonderful mom from beginning to end, write Lucas' book (then subsequently, childrens books), and own my own event/party hall. What happens? Why can't I do that all now? I think I'm doing well on the first one so that's good, makes me feel good. Life gets in the way doesn't it? Too busy, here and there, we have to work don't we? Of course. Then you get home and it's (usually) homework, dinner, dishes, ready for bed (bath and reading and coralling the boy, it's not a quick process) and bam, night night. Maybe it's all excuses. To own your own business, you have to be somewhat of a risk taker; no? I have to rise to the occasion. One day, it will happen. Maybe when I get up the gumption or just gather up all the confidence I have, (since I have a little bit tucked here and there :) and do it. Nike. Just do it.

Maybe by the time I'm 40..... Kay I just bought myself five more years, that can't be good can it? Procrastination right before your eyes...

I'm trying to make it the start of a new day. There is all this 'stuff' in my life maybe once I weed through it, feel healthier about it, can see the big spotlight at the end of the tunnel, maybe then.
For now, I'm still saying, it's still the start of a new day, I haven't gotten much further-but I do think about it. Yes, I do.

Jenn

Animals.

So we keep discovering these different animals and species around here. I swear, we do NOT live in the boonies. We do not live near a forrest. Maybe we're just far enough off the beaten path (but really, not by much) that we get to see all these animals.

We have the funniest little green tree frogs that bark like dogs at dusk. It's funny. The first night I heard it, I thought we had a hurt puppy under the deck. Ivan kept saying it was a frog but it SO didn't sound like a frog. Finally on the third night, we were on the deck again and the sound started again. I went over to the sound and lo and behold, there was this funny looking little bright green frog on one of Noah's inner tubes. It was making the oddest and loudest sound. I threw him off the deck and later that night, we heard it again and there it was by Noah's sand box.

Now that the poor snake is dead, there is no one left to eat the little frogs or salamanders we see all the time. See how the food chain works? You upset in just the slightest way and bam.....it messes everything up.

What will be the next animal we discover? I can't wait to find out. All these creatures are beginning to be the 'comfort of home' for us. Noah loves it all.

Jenn

So Much to Do

Life can't really be about rushing here and there and never stopping ---- can it? That just doesn't seem right.

Don't you think Americans try to cram too much into a small amount of time? Then take a sub category of that and you have American women.....if you ask me, women never stop thinking of the next thing, the next project, the next task, the next chore......I'm not putting MEN down but it's just true, we all think differently, us women and men.

Maybe when the baby comes, I'll let myself slow down. Maybe.....just maybe.


--J

Age

Kay-

Now I'm 35. Yep. It's just an age right? I never cared before (well maybe a little, I think when I turned 21, that bothered me, who knows why) how old I was. Now, I'm thinking, 40 here I come. Oprah says 40 is wonderful. I'm told that is just the beginning of really knowing who you are and what you want. I already think I know that stuff. Who I am and what I want? Why do I have to wait till 40 for that stuff if I know it now? Maybe I DON'T know it but I just think I do.

I have 5 more years to fret over it. Noah will be almost 11 then. Someone hold me up. I'm really getting old. Why is it affecting me so? UGH.

I'll just keep thinking and acting young. Maybe just maybe, maybe that's the trick of it all. Age is just a number. Age means nothing. It's all in your mind. Can any of you tell I'm trying to convince myself? :)

I'm still a 'youngun' right?

J

Rain Rain

Rain rain go away come back another day. UGH


Noah is graduating today. Why is it so yucko schmucko outside?

It can stop anytime---anytime.....

It's raining its pouring the old man is snoring he went to bed blah blah blah.


STOP RAINING!

Just when you least expect it...

You think you are strong. You think are gliding along and doing well. It's amazing. Lucas will have been gone two years in August. Two years. That is a long time. Two years that my son died. I've been through such a metamorphosis --- up and down---down and up. Hangin in the middle; not sure where I am sometimes but I have gotten through and that is the bottom line. The amazing thing is that on days where I have a lot going on (sometimes very self inflicted) I don't mainly focus on the sad feelings. Today was one of those days. Out of the blue, on those days, one little thing can set you off course, can take your breath away, can knock you to your knees. That happened to me today.

I went to my OB Dr. Had to get the blood work done for gestational diabetes testing. I'm sitting there heavily stressed over the needle going in my arm and fully focused on that. Around the corner comes this woman who I immediately recognize. It's the small things. It really is. She is the woman who helped me in my 'breast feeding endeavor' with Lucas when he was born. She has a very distinct face, she is an African American woman, beautiful woman, and what sets her apart is that she has freckles on her face. I was in my safe zone in my safe day and this one little memory, this one little jolt was it. I immediately had tears in my eyes and the nurse who was getting ready to draw blood asked if I was alright. I couldn't talk. I was taken back (in my mind) to the room with Lucas who was one day old and this woman helping me get it right with breast feeding. I remember she was so very helpful. I remember back then, I made my mom write down her name so I could later send her a thank you. So there I am, holding in all the emotions that need to come out. I did not want to lose it in the office. I was literally forcing myself not to think about that woman I just saw or any of the memories she brought just with the sight of her. So the nurse is there, "Ms. Mendoza, Ms. Mendoza, are you alright?" I had to say something and so I told her I just yawned and just needed a tissue, my eyes water when I yawn (this is true but it just wasn't true right then). I get through all that, fine whatever, I'm still emotional, but I'm forcing myself to just get through. I could feel it all building up.

I go back into the exam room and was waiting for my normal doctor whom I love and what do you know? I hear a knock on the door and lo and behold, it's her. The woman. Apparantly, she is in training, she is changing fields, no more focus on teaching breast feeding at the Hospital, and I'm the lucky one today, she is going to examine me with my normal Doctor coming in after. I could barely speak. What I had been fighting in my emotions was ready to come rolling out. All I could think or see was Lucas as a small infant. I could almost smell him. I wanted to be out of that room. Thank God, my normal doctor came in early, just when the other woman was saying, "you look familiar to me, where do I know you from, have you ever breastfed a child?"

She had no idea what I was feeling, what I wanted to say, she didn't know. It wasn't her fault. I felt like I was screaming inside. So when my doctor came in, I literally forced myself to look at her face and focus on her and nothing else. No tears, no tears, no tears, stop stop stop I kept saying over and over in my head.

I finished up, did all I needed to do, said my goodbyes, went quickly up front, made my next appointment with tears streaming down my face silently and I left. Surprisingly, when I got in the car, I felt calm. Maybe too calm. About twenty minutes later, it all came out.

God how I miss that little boy. I'm not saying I can't move ahead. I'm not saying I'm stuck in this unhealthy place. I'm just saying, when you least expect it......you can really get knocked on your butt. Those are the moments I hate. I cannot stand not being in control of my emotions. I would much rather dictate when and where I let it out. Clearly, once again, I'm reminding myself that I don't have that control. Never will. God has it; doesn't he?

-J

Very perfect children

Are children meant to be perfect? Are they supposed to never push your buttons? Are they never to try to find the limit or the line in which they cannot cross? If a child obeys perfectly is there something wrong with that child? Are they then afraid of that parent in a bad way? Is this a good thing?

Is there a happy medium in which a child should 'operate' or live in? In other words, wouldn't it be normal to expect some sort of pushing of the limits from a child who is learning their way or is that just me making excuses for some weakness of mine? I'm not hard enough as a parent. I let my child walk all over me. He gets away with murder. I'm not saying anyone of those three statements are true. They are not. I'm saying, is that the perception? Really I don't care what the perception is except for it's bothering me enough to write about it. Hmmmm....

Are we to be glared at, stared at, or are others to shake their heads at my child or myself in my interaction with my child? How 'perfect' should a child be? Can the child never question? If the child does not question he won't then learn--correct? If I say no to something, and the child keeps pushing for the thing he wants, does that make the child horrible, or myself horrible?

Is the child then horribly behaved? What are the boundaries?

I'll tell you. I know it's healthy for a child to push. It's healthy for them to figure out the boundaries without having such super high demands on them. They are JUST CHILDREN. Maybe we must remember that. I try to. Sometimes, I feel as though I'm on him TOO much. I have to reign myself in....If they were 'perfectly perfect' all of the time, then there would be no learning to do, no growing, no figuring out what life is about. That just can't be right, can it? That wouldn't be normal would it?

Does anyone WANT a child who is perfectly well behaved? Is there such a thing as a very perfect child?? I don't want a child who curses at me or even uses curse words. I don't want a child who is far ahead of his time in what that child is allowed to do or say. I want happy medium. That is what I'm striving for. How about this????

I'd rather do the child rearing and let those that shake their heads at me and my child figure it out for themselves.

Jenn