The point of this "blogging" stuff is not always to make a proclamation or to make sense out of life every day but you must know, that I come here when I have stuff whirling around in my head. Whatever comes out, is just what it is. Just so you know...
The baby is moving. Rolling and lunging and flipping he is. This morning I could feel pushing in my side and also pushing way down low. I imagined it to be his arms going one way and his feet going in the other; like he was doing his 'morning stretch'. Noah does his 'morning stretch' every morning...Every day, I am reminded more and more what is going on. The miracle that is happening right inside me. It's good. BUT when I am alone, in the car, all by myself believe me it all comes out. Missing Lucas has softened but it's still very real, it's still there and it's still my reality. I'm not falling down a hill I can't get up, I'm not digressing, I'm just expressing from a mom's point of view that it still hurts Lucas isn't here anymore. It still hurts, I still get angry, I still have too much resentment. I cry too easily but really, no one knows it. I am really good at keeping up the happy face. Maybe too good. It's a trait I have come to perfect over time. Do I want anyone to see or hear me crying anymore? No. Not even my dear, sweet, husband. What to do with all this? I don't know. It literally makes me feel crazy, like I AM crazy. I can feel happiness, no doubt. Noah brings me tons of it. And I can feel how close he is to me, how much he depends on me as a mamma. Not complaining about any of that.
I just hate that we walk this path, parents who have lost a baby. I am fully aware that life is like this. We are born, we die, it's a cycle. But why Lucas? And now this sweet little boy is coming, who we will cherish like nothing we ever have, I know. He will be the glue that holds us together; tighter. So it's the cycle thing. Definitely what we have wanted, definitely we are striving to re capture the pixie dust of a baby again; they are so wonderful and bring so much hope and laughter...this means more than anything ever could to us.
Sometimes, when I think about it, it's all too big. I know we are not the only ones who miss him, I know it but I suppose we have been the most impacted by his death. So now, I look to the birth of our new son to impact our lives again, but in a more positive way. I know that it will. The big picture of it all makes me feel like I'm swirling in a lake or pond and it's hard to know on which day which side of the lake I'll get out. I've heard inspiring stories of other mothers and fathers who have lost babies and moved on with their lives, had other children, it can happen. I know that and am aware of it. So I'm reaching for that reality...with Jacob moving inside me so strongly, it's sure to happen.. right?
Maybe these are the tales that one day will make sense to me..I look to God to help me get there, there's no doubt about that. So I'll just swirl for a while, till I feel like I'm there. That sounds fine to me...
You cook, you clean, you go to work, you nourish, you love, you scold, you are professional and yet you hang your hat on every dust particle in your home. You are a woman. Some women are Moms and some are not. You are still a woman. We are all made similarly. We are strong.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
The winds of grace...
There is a saying that I love and today it's so true--
--The winds of grace are always blowing but YOU have to raise the sail.--
I am not sure who said it but that thought did not originate from my head. I have to give credit to someone else, I just wish I knew his name.
Days go by, opportunities pass, life continues on, easy or hard, it's what it is. Some paths are difficult and others not so. Some are difficult but in different ways. Some are easy but in different ways.
I know I am rambling but I have so many different people and personalities in my life..some people make me smile a lot and completely happy just to be around them and others make me think all the time. Both are good. I like being happy and I like thinking..who can complain? I'm going to try to raise my sail. Today was not a good day. Still I'm going to try to raise my sail because really right now, I want to feel the winds of grace.
--J
--The winds of grace are always blowing but YOU have to raise the sail.--
I am not sure who said it but that thought did not originate from my head. I have to give credit to someone else, I just wish I knew his name.
Days go by, opportunities pass, life continues on, easy or hard, it's what it is. Some paths are difficult and others not so. Some are difficult but in different ways. Some are easy but in different ways.
I know I am rambling but I have so many different people and personalities in my life..some people make me smile a lot and completely happy just to be around them and others make me think all the time. Both are good. I like being happy and I like thinking..who can complain? I'm going to try to raise my sail. Today was not a good day. Still I'm going to try to raise my sail because really right now, I want to feel the winds of grace.
--J
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Impulsive
I have recently heard that I am impulsive. This has set off a rocket in my head! I now can't stop thinking about this. Am I? Do others really perceive me this way? I have asked key people in my life if they think I am and basically, I think the answer is yes.
I don't want to be impulsive. That is surely not my goal. I want to be a calm level headed person who can see a problem, tackle it and move on. That I think is how I operate. I'm not one of these people who just spouts off whatever is flying through my brain unless I'm triggered to do it or instigated by someone/something. I try to think it out. At work, if there is a problem or problem person and it's been recognized, solve the problem. Period end of story. Depending on the problem might mean letting someone go, it might mean writing someone up, it might mean talking with them and watching the behavior, it could be many things. But why let it linger? As soon as I key in, I'm all over it. Is that impulsive?
I don't want to be impulsive. I will be more aware of how others may perceive my actions but I am who I am. I'm not going to suddenly change because of what one person said. Nope. Can't do it. I wouldn't be true to myself. So maybe, just maybe, that is the answer. Yes. That's it.
How about you? Are YOU impulsive? I hate that I heard that about myself. UGH.
J
I don't want to be impulsive. That is surely not my goal. I want to be a calm level headed person who can see a problem, tackle it and move on. That I think is how I operate. I'm not one of these people who just spouts off whatever is flying through my brain unless I'm triggered to do it or instigated by someone/something. I try to think it out. At work, if there is a problem or problem person and it's been recognized, solve the problem. Period end of story. Depending on the problem might mean letting someone go, it might mean writing someone up, it might mean talking with them and watching the behavior, it could be many things. But why let it linger? As soon as I key in, I'm all over it. Is that impulsive?
I don't want to be impulsive. I will be more aware of how others may perceive my actions but I am who I am. I'm not going to suddenly change because of what one person said. Nope. Can't do it. I wouldn't be true to myself. So maybe, just maybe, that is the answer. Yes. That's it.
How about you? Are YOU impulsive? I hate that I heard that about myself. UGH.
J
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
What if...
What if life was perfect? Would that be good? Would that be ideal? Would we all be happy then? Not trying to answer all life's questions but just this one..only this one....humor me for one moment.
If we had no worries, no emotional stress, no big problems, no money issues, all the relationships in our life just perfectly so what would there ever be to strive for? If we were all the same, thought the same, looked the same, acted the same, wanted to be the same, how absolutely boring would that be? We'd have nothing to try to acheive. There would be no 'second opinion'. There would be no discussions, nothing to discuss with your friends, no friendly banter, why should there be if we all agreed? See? It makes no sense, life will never be perfect, life could never BE perfect. Do I have worries? Oh sure. All the time. Sometimes, I think unwittingly, it keeps me going. I have big worries and I have small worries and then there's always the other things that just tap on my shoulder every now and then to keep themselves in my psyche. Here's an example: The Pope. The new Pope. Am I worried about him? No, not really. I have already welcomed him in my mind and in my heart but I wonder, how will he really affect the church? Will he be the same as Pope John Paul II? This is not something that will very directly affect my life therefore it has not been running wild in my brain or anything but that is a small example of one of those things that tap on your shoulder and whisper in your ear.
We can never figure it all out. There are things you think you know but really, in the end, you look behind you and you didn't really know it. It was all wrong but what got you through it was the knowing you thought you knew it. Wow. That gave you the confidence you needed to get through. Ivan and I got pictures of the baby again this morning. Awesome, real, super pictures. Some 3D pictures and some other normal ultrasound pictures...all of them incredibile. One just of his little foot, you can see it perfectly. Perfectly with all the toes and simply looking so very adorable. The 3D pictures brought tears to my eyes. They told me something. Not only is the baby healthy; have a healthy heart and all his parts :) but he will be fine. I do not think, no, I trust that God would not let us go through anything else even remotely comparable to what we all went through for Lucas. As my friend Tammy pointed out this morning, 'as Oprah says, "This much I know for sure.". It's what's going to get me through. The real outcome remains to be seen but there's a little angel whispering in my ear that we will all be just fine.
Love Jenn
If we had no worries, no emotional stress, no big problems, no money issues, all the relationships in our life just perfectly so what would there ever be to strive for? If we were all the same, thought the same, looked the same, acted the same, wanted to be the same, how absolutely boring would that be? We'd have nothing to try to acheive. There would be no 'second opinion'. There would be no discussions, nothing to discuss with your friends, no friendly banter, why should there be if we all agreed? See? It makes no sense, life will never be perfect, life could never BE perfect. Do I have worries? Oh sure. All the time. Sometimes, I think unwittingly, it keeps me going. I have big worries and I have small worries and then there's always the other things that just tap on my shoulder every now and then to keep themselves in my psyche. Here's an example: The Pope. The new Pope. Am I worried about him? No, not really. I have already welcomed him in my mind and in my heart but I wonder, how will he really affect the church? Will he be the same as Pope John Paul II? This is not something that will very directly affect my life therefore it has not been running wild in my brain or anything but that is a small example of one of those things that tap on your shoulder and whisper in your ear.
We can never figure it all out. There are things you think you know but really, in the end, you look behind you and you didn't really know it. It was all wrong but what got you through it was the knowing you thought you knew it. Wow. That gave you the confidence you needed to get through. Ivan and I got pictures of the baby again this morning. Awesome, real, super pictures. Some 3D pictures and some other normal ultrasound pictures...all of them incredibile. One just of his little foot, you can see it perfectly. Perfectly with all the toes and simply looking so very adorable. The 3D pictures brought tears to my eyes. They told me something. Not only is the baby healthy; have a healthy heart and all his parts :) but he will be fine. I do not think, no, I trust that God would not let us go through anything else even remotely comparable to what we all went through for Lucas. As my friend Tammy pointed out this morning, 'as Oprah says, "This much I know for sure.". It's what's going to get me through. The real outcome remains to be seen but there's a little angel whispering in my ear that we will all be just fine.
Love Jenn
Monday, April 18, 2005
Here we go..
It's Monday. It will be a great week; the sun is shining, the weather will be fantastic for at least the first three days of the week, what more could one ask for? Not much.
We are getting settled into the house, little by little. Boxes? Yes, there are still boxes...I would be lying if I said they were all gone. I WISH they were all gone. So I think we need to have a yard sale to clear out the funk and clear our plates and just be done with it. I think we will. There may be a clashing of the minds, but we will have a yard sale... Yard sales can be good. I haven't had many-wait, I've never had one. Ok, so I've never had one. But I think they can be good. Like cleaning out the cobwebs of your mind; no? Kay that's how I view it. We will have a yard sale.
I look around the house and it's becoming more like home and I'm feeling more and more comfortable in it. Like alright, I'm supposed to be here now. Before, when we first moved in, I can't really describe it, but I was feeling strange about everything. Maybe still holding on to the past of our old house and how we had made that exactly what we wanted; our comfort zone. We'll do it again and I'm feeling better about all that. Noah loved it immediately. No questions asked, he just loved it. Yesterday I asked him what if we moved back to the old house what would you do? He said he'd be sad. Oy. Not a hint of nostalgia like I'd been feeling. Kids. Well, anyway, why should he feel that way? It's as it should be. A child shouldn't have all that gunk in their emotional closet; they'll get it soon enough. So tell me to leave him alone about it. I will, I will....
Work is about to get more intense to the nth degree and I'm slowly preparing myself for it. Back in the old days, before I gave birth to Lucas, this was my stomping ground, I was comfortable in it, I was in my element. As you know many many things have changed and while I hold basically the same position with the same wonderful company, my true role has changed....so now with the other director soon leaving for maternity leave...it's all going to intensify for a while before I GO OUT ON MATERNITY LEAVE. She first, then me. I am mentally preparing as you can see. More like mentally pre stressing. How bout that? That's the real truth of it.
One day it will all make sense, I'm sure. Life, being a mom, working, being healthy (only speaking mentally right now-the physically healthy part I'll focus on later and dang, that's one more thing to worry about_)....balancing the us the we and the me....why is that always so complicated?
I won't be able to figure it out here-----------I'm out for now..
J
We are getting settled into the house, little by little. Boxes? Yes, there are still boxes...I would be lying if I said they were all gone. I WISH they were all gone. So I think we need to have a yard sale to clear out the funk and clear our plates and just be done with it. I think we will. There may be a clashing of the minds, but we will have a yard sale... Yard sales can be good. I haven't had many-wait, I've never had one. Ok, so I've never had one. But I think they can be good. Like cleaning out the cobwebs of your mind; no? Kay that's how I view it. We will have a yard sale.
I look around the house and it's becoming more like home and I'm feeling more and more comfortable in it. Like alright, I'm supposed to be here now. Before, when we first moved in, I can't really describe it, but I was feeling strange about everything. Maybe still holding on to the past of our old house and how we had made that exactly what we wanted; our comfort zone. We'll do it again and I'm feeling better about all that. Noah loved it immediately. No questions asked, he just loved it. Yesterday I asked him what if we moved back to the old house what would you do? He said he'd be sad. Oy. Not a hint of nostalgia like I'd been feeling. Kids. Well, anyway, why should he feel that way? It's as it should be. A child shouldn't have all that gunk in their emotional closet; they'll get it soon enough. So tell me to leave him alone about it. I will, I will....
Work is about to get more intense to the nth degree and I'm slowly preparing myself for it. Back in the old days, before I gave birth to Lucas, this was my stomping ground, I was comfortable in it, I was in my element. As you know many many things have changed and while I hold basically the same position with the same wonderful company, my true role has changed....so now with the other director soon leaving for maternity leave...it's all going to intensify for a while before I GO OUT ON MATERNITY LEAVE. She first, then me. I am mentally preparing as you can see. More like mentally pre stressing. How bout that? That's the real truth of it.
One day it will all make sense, I'm sure. Life, being a mom, working, being healthy (only speaking mentally right now-the physically healthy part I'll focus on later and dang, that's one more thing to worry about_)....balancing the us the we and the me....why is that always so complicated?
I won't be able to figure it out here-----------I'm out for now..
J
Saturday, April 16, 2005
The start of a new day...
I will say that my friend Tammy has inspired me. Thank you Tammy, to you I owe so much. Often times, I owe you my sanity....
I have always loved to write, many of you know. It fuels my soul. Until now, I have used the Lucas site to vent my thoughts and feelings and mostly they have had to do with him. I have been feeling stronger in a way and want to continue writing. There may be times that my thoughts of Lucas mesh into my normal 'blogging' thoughts and then I'm sure there will be days that normal day to day life things will be front and center. I'm not sure I'll write everyday, but you can feel free to check in here if you want a distraction; or a chuckle!
It's about time I began to sit down and get serious about finishing the book. For a long time, it made me feel good to say it was half way done. Problem is, it's still just 'halfway done'. This means, I've made not much progress. Maybe this will inspire me to sit down and make myself finish it. It's hard. It brings up emotions that truly are hard, very very hard to deal with. But there is a purpose and I'm doing it for so many reasons and I will finish it. So stay on my butt and keep asking me, is it done? How much longer? With the new baby coming, I'll not have much time in the very begininning but I'll get on a schedule and maybe write when the baby is napping.......these are my intentions. Work with me here. I'm going to stick to it.
This WILL BE the start of a new day. I am smiling.
Jenn
I have always loved to write, many of you know. It fuels my soul. Until now, I have used the Lucas site to vent my thoughts and feelings and mostly they have had to do with him. I have been feeling stronger in a way and want to continue writing. There may be times that my thoughts of Lucas mesh into my normal 'blogging' thoughts and then I'm sure there will be days that normal day to day life things will be front and center. I'm not sure I'll write everyday, but you can feel free to check in here if you want a distraction; or a chuckle!
It's about time I began to sit down and get serious about finishing the book. For a long time, it made me feel good to say it was half way done. Problem is, it's still just 'halfway done'. This means, I've made not much progress. Maybe this will inspire me to sit down and make myself finish it. It's hard. It brings up emotions that truly are hard, very very hard to deal with. But there is a purpose and I'm doing it for so many reasons and I will finish it. So stay on my butt and keep asking me, is it done? How much longer? With the new baby coming, I'll not have much time in the very begininning but I'll get on a schedule and maybe write when the baby is napping.......these are my intentions. Work with me here. I'm going to stick to it.
This WILL BE the start of a new day. I am smiling.
Jenn
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