The Boys...

So we took the boys to visit Santa last night at the Mall. Noah was all prepared. There was a letter writing station at the entrance of the Winter scene. He wrote a letter (his third one btw) to Santa, it went like this--

Dear Santa
I hope you are doing well. I hope you have seen I have been goob (yes, he wrote a b in the place of the d and then freaked out but I told him Santa would know exactly what he meant and not to worry). I would like four presents three for me and one for Jacob. I love you Noah John Mendoza.

---Then he dropped it in the mail slot they provided with a big smile on his face.

Let me tell you, the first letter was I would like seven presents see pictures on the back and then I pointed out he didn't ask for anything for Jaco so he wrote a new one and asked for five, three for him and two for Jaco. Then last night it went to four, three for him and one for Jaco. Gotta love it. (always with the pictures on the back line except for last night, no magazine to cut pictures out of at the mall ya know)

It's feeling more like Christmas for me and Ivan both. I can tell. However, the down side is that my mind is being flooded (again) with thoughts of Lucas. There is this song, I first heard Josh Groban sing it with Angie Stone, Mothers Prayer I think it is. I hear it time and again on the radio, hearing it a bit more now that it's Christmas. Thing is, when I hear it, it touches me, makes me think, feel, breathe, worry, miss Lucas. Celine Dion sings it. I've heard her sing with Andre' Bocheli (sp) I think. I heard her sing it again today on Oprah. It's a beautiful song. More than that, there's just tons of meaning in it for me. It's a mother talking to God to keep her child safe. Of course, I pray that for Noah and Jacob every night naturally. Given. But it's so much different when I pray for Lucas. There is so much faith yet so much unknown (therefore making the faith so much more important) and just so much yearning.

I said to Ivan the other day, "Imagine if all three boys were here--Noah and Lucas would be running around and Jacob would just be watching them." He stopped me and said (and I didn't like to hear it), "you know if Lucas had lived we might not have had Jacob. Remember we discussed that when Lucas was so sick, if he survived, we wouldn't have anymore children because we knew his life would be so challenged if he survived, it would be a hard life for both him and us" He was right. I remember us having that hard conversation when we were in Philly when Lucas was fighting the fight of his life. How hard and cruel and mean it is to to think that if Lucas had survived (which I wish with all I have) that Jacob the sweetest, happiest, most alert little baby would likely not be here. Isn't life just a kick in the behind? I mean, it's just so in your face. It can't be ignored, all the ironies and all the what ifs, they all come full circle. To one place. Do I think Lucas would want me to be crying now? No. Do I think he wants me to be sad forever and always to pay tribute and homage to his memory? No. I can be driving down the road thinking about work or something totally random and he flits through my mind like I have no control. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love that. Reminders, thoughts, memories, some good some horrible but nonethless, I cannot forget him. But it literally seems out of my control. How he visits me both in symbolism and in memory...... oh how did I get on this subject? Am I really typing all this? I am aren't I? It runs through my head so it comes out here. Sorry.

ALL my boys. Whether they were meant to be here together or not, it has clearly come to pass that they were not. Why do I keep torturing myself about it all? Lucas was peaceful. Truly he was. He was strong and peaceful and he had a story to tell. Maybe the reason I cannot let go of him is becauase I need to keep telling his story so he will not be forgotten.

Change of subject-Santa has visited our house to check on Noah's behavior. He left a note for Noah. Noah is all about it. I am savoring these moments. They really are the times of our lives; all of us. Jacob, so little and sweet and innocent watching it all silently except for his wonderful screeches and giggles (and the latest "Ohhhh" over and over again) and Lucas watching down on us all to make sure we are safe. While it's not fully complete, it's the closest it'll ever be. Go figure. Doesn't make sense to me and I'm sure it doesn't make sense to you but it is what it is and you know, someone isn't going to come and waive a magic wand for us now are they? Nope.



--J