I just watched this movie all by myself. Cried almost the whole way through the last half of the movie. What a movie. About so many things all at once.
You should watch it; read it. It's good. Makes you think about things differently and for me, made me take a look at how I handle things. --- Plus as a bonus, there were tons of scenes of Greece (a Greek island) in the movie. Brings back such memories for me. When I was little, I remember swimming in the ocean, both at the beaches and also by cliffs. I remember jumping off cliffs with my then gymnastics teacher watching my sister and I. There was this cove/cliff that we'd go to, the water was a deep bluish green and we'd climb down the rocks (my God looking back, I'm sure that was dangerous) and jump from a height that we felt safe with. I'm so digressing from the movie here but one time, we were at that place and my babysitter/gymnastics teacher let me use her mask. I remember she said to me to be careful, it was expensive, not to drop it in the water. --A couple of minutes later, I had taken it off my head, treading water, I needed to rinse it out so I held it in my right hand with my arm down by my side and I swished upward to clean it off and I let it go from my hand. It started to float down and when I looked down, it was deep, there was no sand anywhere near, only rocks. My heart stopped. I instinctively dove down and grabbed it tight before the weight of the mask made it sink further. That memory is engrained in my head. I think of that memory when I see the beaches or white buildings on a Greek island. We were so little yet we were doing things lots of other kids our ages had never done, and it was all normal for us. I guess that's what being a military brat gets you. Experiences that shape and mold your life.
Back to the movie-check it out. It's good. My husband would never have watched it. He just called, I told him I watched it, he said, "I've never heard of it". Exactly. Ten points for me. Ha. If men were open enough to watch a movie that didn't have blood guts and hyper violence in it, they might just enjoy movies that make you think and feel. Sorry to stereotype but seriously, he would have fallen asleep and I was riveted to the screen. Hence the title, Men are from Mars....
Bladau
Jenn
You cook, you clean, you go to work, you nourish, you love, you scold, you are professional and yet you hang your hat on every dust particle in your home. You are a woman. Some women are Moms and some are not. You are still a woman. We are all made similarly. We are strong.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Friday, December 30, 2005
He amuses me..
How can a child amuse and befuddle you so much? So funny. The phrases, the funny stories, how smart he is. My oldest. Wow.
You know what he said to me today (clearly he got it straight from a TV show; probably on Disney)? He said, "Mom did you buy your deodorant from a dead kangaroo in the desert?" HUH? It took me a moment to process. First I was mad! How disrespectful! Then I thought it was hilarious. I let out a big belly laugh. Couldn't hold it in. I know, I know. PPS. For sure, PPS. It never even dawned on me that I might actually STINK because he was nowhere near me when he said it. So he was just testing it out on me. Oy. No, I didn't discipline him. Probably should have at least told him that wasn't nice to say but I let it pass. Some things are just not worth it, you know pick your battles and all that.
He loves to sing and dance. Won't do it unless he's in front of my husband and I or my sister and her husband. Go figure. He's pretty ok at it.
The little bear cub is testing his eating skills out. He loves it, opens his mouth all big and wide for the next bite. Starts yelling if it doesn't come quick enough.
Things are progressing. We live our lives. What else can you do? Not much, I tell you. Not much.
--jenn
You know what he said to me today (clearly he got it straight from a TV show; probably on Disney)? He said, "Mom did you buy your deodorant from a dead kangaroo in the desert?" HUH? It took me a moment to process. First I was mad! How disrespectful! Then I thought it was hilarious. I let out a big belly laugh. Couldn't hold it in. I know, I know. PPS. For sure, PPS. It never even dawned on me that I might actually STINK because he was nowhere near me when he said it. So he was just testing it out on me. Oy. No, I didn't discipline him. Probably should have at least told him that wasn't nice to say but I let it pass. Some things are just not worth it, you know pick your battles and all that.
He loves to sing and dance. Won't do it unless he's in front of my husband and I or my sister and her husband. Go figure. He's pretty ok at it.
The little bear cub is testing his eating skills out. He loves it, opens his mouth all big and wide for the next bite. Starts yelling if it doesn't come quick enough.
Things are progressing. We live our lives. What else can you do? Not much, I tell you. Not much.
--jenn
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Ten things I bet you didn't know about me...
1. I used to live in Athens Greece when I was a little girl.
2. I got about 13 stitches over my right eye the night before I saw Star Wars. I was about 7 back then. A little girl collided with me and her tooth went through my eyebrow! OUCH.
3. I dislike coffee.
4. I can't eat cold American Cheese. I can eat it on a burger, melted or on a grilled cheese but anthing else, makes me feel like I'm going to loose my cookies.
5. I don't typcially use umbrellas if it's raining. Why? Who cares? If I get a little wet, I figure it's ok, it won't kill me. It'll be quick anyway. Drives my husband NUTS.
6. I am a romantic at heart. Totally believe in it.
7. I like to keep to myself most of the time, I'm not really a go go go person unless it has to do with my core little family here. Keep it simple.
8. I'm itching to move to another state. One day. One day it will happen.
9. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt until I find out they have lied to me. Then I'm done. Walk away done.
10. I miss Lucas. Well. I guess you didn't think I could make a list and not mention him. AND I bet you knew that I missed him. Even though this was a list of ten things you didn't know about me, I know you know that I miss him. It was worth saying. I miss him.
bonus
11. Despite what some might think, I really do have a big heart. It's just a little empty, kind of lopsided empty. I am a bit jaded but not to a fault. My heart is bigger than it is jaded. :)
---J
2. I got about 13 stitches over my right eye the night before I saw Star Wars. I was about 7 back then. A little girl collided with me and her tooth went through my eyebrow! OUCH.
3. I dislike coffee.
4. I can't eat cold American Cheese. I can eat it on a burger, melted or on a grilled cheese but anthing else, makes me feel like I'm going to loose my cookies.
5. I don't typcially use umbrellas if it's raining. Why? Who cares? If I get a little wet, I figure it's ok, it won't kill me. It'll be quick anyway. Drives my husband NUTS.
6. I am a romantic at heart. Totally believe in it.
7. I like to keep to myself most of the time, I'm not really a go go go person unless it has to do with my core little family here. Keep it simple.
8. I'm itching to move to another state. One day. One day it will happen.
9. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt until I find out they have lied to me. Then I'm done. Walk away done.
10. I miss Lucas. Well. I guess you didn't think I could make a list and not mention him. AND I bet you knew that I missed him. Even though this was a list of ten things you didn't know about me, I know you know that I miss him. It was worth saying. I miss him.
bonus
11. Despite what some might think, I really do have a big heart. It's just a little empty, kind of lopsided empty. I am a bit jaded but not to a fault. My heart is bigger than it is jaded. :)
---J
New Year Resolution
I hate hearing the phrase. Does anyone ever really follow through with them? I don't know.
There have been a couple of times in the past where I have just said to myself, I will try to do better with my xyz or pdq but never really made a hard and fast resolution.
Here and now I will do my first official one:
I resolve in the year 2006 to be a better and less angry person and in being a better person it will mean being more healthy so for having said that, I also resolve to weigh less.
I'm sure this is the number one resolution. I'm sure it is. Let me not fail. Let me have success. It will take strong will power. Onward I go! Here's to the beginning of another year; may it be a normal one. Ha. What's normal? :)
There have been a couple of times in the past where I have just said to myself, I will try to do better with my xyz or pdq but never really made a hard and fast resolution.
Here and now I will do my first official one:
I resolve in the year 2006 to be a better and less angry person and in being a better person it will mean being more healthy so for having said that, I also resolve to weigh less.
I'm sure this is the number one resolution. I'm sure it is. Let me not fail. Let me have success. It will take strong will power. Onward I go! Here's to the beginning of another year; may it be a normal one. Ha. What's normal? :)
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
OK now I'm really pissed off..
I have refrained thus far. I have held back. I didn't want to ruin my (or yours) Christmas day with my rantings...
On Christmas Eve, sometime during the day, Noah announced out of the blue that our Christmas was not complete. I can assure you, Ivan and I were not talking about Lucas or anything having to do with him. This came from Noah, 100%. I bit. I took it. I said to Noah, "what do you mean?" He just looked at me and said, "My brother Lucas isn't here and this Christmas is not complete" then fell into the recliner chair face first and started bawling. I looked at Ivan and he looked at me. What to do? We rush to his side to console him. He cried for very close to 20 minutes. I kept telling him it was good to let it all out, go ahead, cry. Yes, it's sad, I'm sad too, Dad's sad too, it's just sad. There isn't much more we can say at this point. Can't sugar coat it. Can't make it all nice and pretty. Can't lie to him, it's quite obvious, Lucas is in Heaven. He asked if someone would take a nap with him (anyone who knows Noah knows that is like a one in a billion chance-he is no napper). He seemed better after the nap and I thanked him for expressing himself to us and what a good job he did (??). Who knows if I do or say the right things, for real, but it feels right. I never want him to feel he's stupid or being a sissy for letting us know if he's sad or needs/wants to cry about Lucas or ANYTHING.
Here's why I'm po'd. It affects me. If affects Ivan. Profoundly. It affects our family and we all wish he were still here, that he hadn't gotten as sick as he did after the (in my opinion) failed surgery. HOWEVER I live and breathe to protect my children. To see it affect Noah that drastically out of the blue, to see him fall to his knees, not in drama, not to get attention, just full out crying and missing him, THAT pisses me off. A 6 year old boy no less, crying like that, over missing his brother, seeing him hurt like that. Anger. To say the least. Not fair, not fun, not happy. It just takes my emotions, my anger to another heightened level. Forgive me if I hold a grudge for a long time OR FOREVER against that doctor who operated on Lucas. Really, you must simply forgive me. He in one fell swoop, changed our family forever on so many levels. So many. It's not about years, bad things in one year, hoping praying wishing for good things the next year, its' about your life. Well, that's what I think. Now to make something good of it. That my friends, that is the hard part.
I'm working on it. But don't look at my son Noah who can be off the hook sometimes and for one second think that what he has gone through hasn't affected him in one thousand ways. It has. And that pisses me off.
Jenn
On Christmas Eve, sometime during the day, Noah announced out of the blue that our Christmas was not complete. I can assure you, Ivan and I were not talking about Lucas or anything having to do with him. This came from Noah, 100%. I bit. I took it. I said to Noah, "what do you mean?" He just looked at me and said, "My brother Lucas isn't here and this Christmas is not complete" then fell into the recliner chair face first and started bawling. I looked at Ivan and he looked at me. What to do? We rush to his side to console him. He cried for very close to 20 minutes. I kept telling him it was good to let it all out, go ahead, cry. Yes, it's sad, I'm sad too, Dad's sad too, it's just sad. There isn't much more we can say at this point. Can't sugar coat it. Can't make it all nice and pretty. Can't lie to him, it's quite obvious, Lucas is in Heaven. He asked if someone would take a nap with him (anyone who knows Noah knows that is like a one in a billion chance-he is no napper). He seemed better after the nap and I thanked him for expressing himself to us and what a good job he did (??). Who knows if I do or say the right things, for real, but it feels right. I never want him to feel he's stupid or being a sissy for letting us know if he's sad or needs/wants to cry about Lucas or ANYTHING.
Here's why I'm po'd. It affects me. If affects Ivan. Profoundly. It affects our family and we all wish he were still here, that he hadn't gotten as sick as he did after the (in my opinion) failed surgery. HOWEVER I live and breathe to protect my children. To see it affect Noah that drastically out of the blue, to see him fall to his knees, not in drama, not to get attention, just full out crying and missing him, THAT pisses me off. A 6 year old boy no less, crying like that, over missing his brother, seeing him hurt like that. Anger. To say the least. Not fair, not fun, not happy. It just takes my emotions, my anger to another heightened level. Forgive me if I hold a grudge for a long time OR FOREVER against that doctor who operated on Lucas. Really, you must simply forgive me. He in one fell swoop, changed our family forever on so many levels. So many. It's not about years, bad things in one year, hoping praying wishing for good things the next year, its' about your life. Well, that's what I think. Now to make something good of it. That my friends, that is the hard part.
I'm working on it. But don't look at my son Noah who can be off the hook sometimes and for one second think that what he has gone through hasn't affected him in one thousand ways. It has. And that pisses me off.
Jenn
Saturday, December 24, 2005
The Kissing Circle
You know every house (or home) has its own 'thing'. Every family has its own saying or thing they do that is completely their own. We have the kissing circle. We started it with Noah a long time ago; maybe when he was a young toddler, about 1 or so. It kind of tapered off for a while but he has rekindled it with Jacob. Here's how it goes.
Imagine me holding Jaco. Noah stands really close in by my cheek. He tells me what to do.
Noah kisses my cheek, I kiss Jacob's cheek, and Jacob (with much slobber) kisses Noah's cheek. Right now, to Jaco, kissing is just opening your mouth real wide. He can do it and it's so cute when he does. We do the kissing sound (like how you call a dog I don't know any other way to break it down for you) and it's the craziest funnest thing ever. Noah loves the kissing circle. Ivan and I used to hold him in the middle and position ourselves so that one would kiss the one side of his cheek and while the one was doing that, the other was kissing the other side and we'd turn his cheek back and forth with our chins so we'd be taking turns. Hard to explain but it all started back then....crazy.
Noah will come up and just say, "kissing circle~!" and he is pretty sensitive so if I don't stop what I'm doing and do the kissing circle, he walks away with hurt feelings (oh Lord help me). I usually do stop what I'm doing because what Mamma wouldn't want to do the kissing circle with her boys! The kissing circle is loads of fun. :)
Crazy ranting and raving at this ridiculous time of morning. I should be wrapping Ivan's presents. Good Heavens. nigh nigh.
Jenn
Imagine me holding Jaco. Noah stands really close in by my cheek. He tells me what to do.
Noah kisses my cheek, I kiss Jacob's cheek, and Jacob (with much slobber) kisses Noah's cheek. Right now, to Jaco, kissing is just opening your mouth real wide. He can do it and it's so cute when he does. We do the kissing sound (like how you call a dog I don't know any other way to break it down for you) and it's the craziest funnest thing ever. Noah loves the kissing circle. Ivan and I used to hold him in the middle and position ourselves so that one would kiss the one side of his cheek and while the one was doing that, the other was kissing the other side and we'd turn his cheek back and forth with our chins so we'd be taking turns. Hard to explain but it all started back then....crazy.
Noah will come up and just say, "kissing circle~!" and he is pretty sensitive so if I don't stop what I'm doing and do the kissing circle, he walks away with hurt feelings (oh Lord help me). I usually do stop what I'm doing because what Mamma wouldn't want to do the kissing circle with her boys! The kissing circle is loads of fun. :)
Crazy ranting and raving at this ridiculous time of morning. I should be wrapping Ivan's presents. Good Heavens. nigh nigh.
Jenn
Friday, December 23, 2005
Merry Christmas and all that jazz...
Simple.
Quick.
Merry Christmas.
Enjoy the little things and the sweet things and the harried things; enjoy it all.
The reason we all get hustled and bustled started a long time ago when a little baby was born on a back then, normal day. Now that day is the most special day of the year and we celebrate his birth. Not to be up on a soap box but really, that is the reason for this special season. Santa, he is pretty special too and let me tell you, my son thinks he is the rock star of all rock stars. He totally and truly believes in Santa. He also totally and truly believes in God. Yes, my little six year old speaks in conversations about God and Jesus and how his brother Lucas is with them. It starts now and we have introduced it nicely into his life and his thinking patterns. He knows what December 25th really is. He knows why HE likes it :) but he also knows why we all celebrate this thing called Christmas. He makes me proud. He kind of gets stuff, you know?
That's enough for me. The magic of Christmas and Santa certainly comes with the territory around here and that is fine, great, wonderful. So much fun.
Now for me to sit back and try to enjoy. Not let the other stuff get in the way. Merry Christmas to you and yours. May you celebrate it in the way that fits for you. Just enjoy the moments. They'll be gone before you know it and they'll never come again. Those exact moments, they will never come again. Savor the music. Savor the smells. Savor the smiles. Make it count.
Love to all.
Jenn
Quick.
Merry Christmas.
Enjoy the little things and the sweet things and the harried things; enjoy it all.
The reason we all get hustled and bustled started a long time ago when a little baby was born on a back then, normal day. Now that day is the most special day of the year and we celebrate his birth. Not to be up on a soap box but really, that is the reason for this special season. Santa, he is pretty special too and let me tell you, my son thinks he is the rock star of all rock stars. He totally and truly believes in Santa. He also totally and truly believes in God. Yes, my little six year old speaks in conversations about God and Jesus and how his brother Lucas is with them. It starts now and we have introduced it nicely into his life and his thinking patterns. He knows what December 25th really is. He knows why HE likes it :) but he also knows why we all celebrate this thing called Christmas. He makes me proud. He kind of gets stuff, you know?
That's enough for me. The magic of Christmas and Santa certainly comes with the territory around here and that is fine, great, wonderful. So much fun.
Now for me to sit back and try to enjoy. Not let the other stuff get in the way. Merry Christmas to you and yours. May you celebrate it in the way that fits for you. Just enjoy the moments. They'll be gone before you know it and they'll never come again. Those exact moments, they will never come again. Savor the music. Savor the smells. Savor the smiles. Make it count.
Love to all.
Jenn
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Random Act of Kindness ~
Well.
I tell you.
My faith in people, faith in strangers *if only a little* has been restored.
Today, I was on my way into the Post Office with Jacob. Jacob has gotten quite heavy. He weighes 17 pounds and in that carrier it feels like he's a brick of 25 pounds. So. I position the box, which was not heavy at all, on the slant of the front of the van so it's off the ground yet within my reach. I get Jacob out of the car and go to turn around to get the box and a very nice man says to me, "Do you need help?" Immediately, the independant woman in me says, "oh no, I'm fine, really." He reaches for the box and says, "Are you sure?" to which I reply, "oh it's not heavy, I can get it, I'm used to carrying a lot, don't worry." He takes the box and looks me in the face and says, "I can't have you carry the box and the baby at the same time now can I?" and I can see that he really wants to help me. Now. It does not hurt at all that this man was very yes he was very handsome. So he follows me (carrying Jaco) all the way into the Post Office and sets the box down and I turn to look at him and say, "I appreciate that very much, thank you." He replied, "No problem, I have four kids of my own. Merry Christmas."
Wow.
Can I just say wow? I mean, is it true? Are there still gentlemen out there? Chivalry is alive! I could have handled the box with Jaco! It was not a gobs heavy box!
My heart was light for the next hour or so. I felt more Christmassy after that than I have in a long time, just from a simple kind gesture. A simple random act of kindness. 100 points to the nice man at the post office! Now I must pass it on. And I promise, I will.
I always let people behind me in the line at the grocery store who only have 1 or 2 items go in front of me, always. And it always makes me feel good when I do it cause it totally makes their day. Now I will look for some other little thing that will make someone elses day, he has given me hope. I told this story to Ivan (even the 'he was cute' part) and he immediately thought the guy wanted to take my box (Tammy's box really). I guess that's the protective husband in him. I never thought that for one milisecond, even in the beginning when I first told him no, I could tell he just wanted to be nice. Men are funny. Ivan thought right away that something was wrong and I thought right away that Wow! How nice was that? Maybe women are too naive but really, he meant no harm.
Ok, so look for ways to do RAOK's alright? Then let me know what you did. We can spread good will way past Christmas. That's what this world needs right? Little bit at a time, a tiny bit more of good will to all.
Peace, love and I'm out...
Jenn
I tell you.
My faith in people, faith in strangers *if only a little* has been restored.
Today, I was on my way into the Post Office with Jacob. Jacob has gotten quite heavy. He weighes 17 pounds and in that carrier it feels like he's a brick of 25 pounds. So. I position the box, which was not heavy at all, on the slant of the front of the van so it's off the ground yet within my reach. I get Jacob out of the car and go to turn around to get the box and a very nice man says to me, "Do you need help?" Immediately, the independant woman in me says, "oh no, I'm fine, really." He reaches for the box and says, "Are you sure?" to which I reply, "oh it's not heavy, I can get it, I'm used to carrying a lot, don't worry." He takes the box and looks me in the face and says, "I can't have you carry the box and the baby at the same time now can I?" and I can see that he really wants to help me. Now. It does not hurt at all that this man was very yes he was very handsome. So he follows me (carrying Jaco) all the way into the Post Office and sets the box down and I turn to look at him and say, "I appreciate that very much, thank you." He replied, "No problem, I have four kids of my own. Merry Christmas."
Wow.
Can I just say wow? I mean, is it true? Are there still gentlemen out there? Chivalry is alive! I could have handled the box with Jaco! It was not a gobs heavy box!
My heart was light for the next hour or so. I felt more Christmassy after that than I have in a long time, just from a simple kind gesture. A simple random act of kindness. 100 points to the nice man at the post office! Now I must pass it on. And I promise, I will.
I always let people behind me in the line at the grocery store who only have 1 or 2 items go in front of me, always. And it always makes me feel good when I do it cause it totally makes their day. Now I will look for some other little thing that will make someone elses day, he has given me hope. I told this story to Ivan (even the 'he was cute' part) and he immediately thought the guy wanted to take my box (Tammy's box really). I guess that's the protective husband in him. I never thought that for one milisecond, even in the beginning when I first told him no, I could tell he just wanted to be nice. Men are funny. Ivan thought right away that something was wrong and I thought right away that Wow! How nice was that? Maybe women are too naive but really, he meant no harm.
Ok, so look for ways to do RAOK's alright? Then let me know what you did. We can spread good will way past Christmas. That's what this world needs right? Little bit at a time, a tiny bit more of good will to all.
Peace, love and I'm out...
Jenn
Monday, December 19, 2005
Memories
When I was a little girl, I one time cut my sister's hair. I think I was around 6 and maybe she was three. Here is the story....or my memory of the story (be warned I have an awful memory).....
We were home with our Dad and we were bored. He took a nap on the couch and left us to our own devices. I decided Mindy's hair was too long. I easily convinced her of the same (big sisters always rule). I went and got the scissors and she and I went out on the front porch while my father blissfully slept on the couch. I cut her hair only on one side because well...I guess at the time it seemed like a good idea. I'm sure it looked beeeeeuuuutiful. I was pleased as was Minner (of course!). We go through the rest of the afternoon with our Dad. After his nap, he got dinner ready and Mom was on her way home. He never said a word about her hair and I'm sure I thought that was a really good sign. Trouble? Hah! I laugh in the face of trouble! So--fast forward to we are sitting at the dinner table when Mom got home and I remember them talking about the day blah blah this and blah blah that. I was only six, I'm sorry to report I cannot recall the exact conversation. Suddenly, everything seemed like it was going in slow motion. You know the look you get from your Mom that says something is terribly wrong? Or you can see her looking at something and you can tell by the look on her face (I'm sure I do it now to Noah) that something is terribly wrong? That was the look on her face. She was staring in the direct area of my sister's HEAD. Uh oh. I think she noticed her new stylin' haircut. Doh. I remember feeling like I had that 'pit' feeling in my stomach. I knew something bad was about to happen. Chairs screeching and lots of hollering and my Dad getting up from the table saying something like, "I didn't notice it!" Then I KNEW I was in T R O U B L E.
Maybe I got spanked, maybe I didn't, I can't remember. Funny thing about memory/memories, you tend to forget things you don't want to remember! When it got to the part of the story where I had consequences.....well, I think I tuned all that out. Typical eh? Maybe I'll get my Mom to fill in the blanks. :) I just know that whatever I doled out as a kid, is gonna come back at me times ten I'm sure. So I'm bracing for what may come but knowing it'll be nothing but memories. Sweet memories.
I remembered this story today when I came across a picture of my sister and I when we were tiny little. My GOD we were sticks and bones we were so dang skinny. What happened? Anyhow, in this picture, we were standing on the very porch I cut her hair on. And snap bam boom, I remembered it like it was yesterday. It literally jolted the long term memory part of my brain and I chuckled. Funny stuff. But good stuff. I hope Noah has fond memories like that he can look back on when he grows up. Kinda makes everything come full circle....
--J
We were home with our Dad and we were bored. He took a nap on the couch and left us to our own devices. I decided Mindy's hair was too long. I easily convinced her of the same (big sisters always rule). I went and got the scissors and she and I went out on the front porch while my father blissfully slept on the couch. I cut her hair only on one side because well...I guess at the time it seemed like a good idea. I'm sure it looked beeeeeuuuutiful. I was pleased as was Minner (of course!). We go through the rest of the afternoon with our Dad. After his nap, he got dinner ready and Mom was on her way home. He never said a word about her hair and I'm sure I thought that was a really good sign. Trouble? Hah! I laugh in the face of trouble! So--fast forward to we are sitting at the dinner table when Mom got home and I remember them talking about the day blah blah this and blah blah that. I was only six, I'm sorry to report I cannot recall the exact conversation. Suddenly, everything seemed like it was going in slow motion. You know the look you get from your Mom that says something is terribly wrong? Or you can see her looking at something and you can tell by the look on her face (I'm sure I do it now to Noah) that something is terribly wrong? That was the look on her face. She was staring in the direct area of my sister's HEAD. Uh oh. I think she noticed her new stylin' haircut. Doh. I remember feeling like I had that 'pit' feeling in my stomach. I knew something bad was about to happen. Chairs screeching and lots of hollering and my Dad getting up from the table saying something like, "I didn't notice it!" Then I KNEW I was in T R O U B L E.
Maybe I got spanked, maybe I didn't, I can't remember. Funny thing about memory/memories, you tend to forget things you don't want to remember! When it got to the part of the story where I had consequences.....well, I think I tuned all that out. Typical eh? Maybe I'll get my Mom to fill in the blanks. :) I just know that whatever I doled out as a kid, is gonna come back at me times ten I'm sure. So I'm bracing for what may come but knowing it'll be nothing but memories. Sweet memories.
I remembered this story today when I came across a picture of my sister and I when we were tiny little. My GOD we were sticks and bones we were so dang skinny. What happened? Anyhow, in this picture, we were standing on the very porch I cut her hair on. And snap bam boom, I remembered it like it was yesterday. It literally jolted the long term memory part of my brain and I chuckled. Funny stuff. But good stuff. I hope Noah has fond memories like that he can look back on when he grows up. Kinda makes everything come full circle....
--J
Friday, December 16, 2005
BAH!
Cookies Schmookies!
Stress? YES!
Why oh why am I this way? How did I GET this way?
Why must it all be perfect? WHY OH WHY am I built like this?
I do it till I get it right and it drives me nuts that I'm this way but I can't stop it!
The cookies are all baked. Some of them are iced but even those aren't done because it doesn't just stop at the "icing" of the cookies. Oh no. There must be design on the icing. Who would know if I didn't 'design' the icing? ME. No one else. Well, now you. But ME.
Bah!
Fun schmun.
Merry Christmas. :(
:)
Jenn
Stress? YES!
Why oh why am I this way? How did I GET this way?
Why must it all be perfect? WHY OH WHY am I built like this?
I do it till I get it right and it drives me nuts that I'm this way but I can't stop it!
The cookies are all baked. Some of them are iced but even those aren't done because it doesn't just stop at the "icing" of the cookies. Oh no. There must be design on the icing. Who would know if I didn't 'design' the icing? ME. No one else. Well, now you. But ME.
Bah!
Fun schmun.
Merry Christmas. :(
:)
Jenn
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
The Boys...
So we took the boys to visit Santa last night at the Mall. Noah was all prepared. There was a letter writing station at the entrance of the Winter scene. He wrote a letter (his third one btw) to Santa, it went like this--
Dear Santa
I hope you are doing well. I hope you have seen I have been goob (yes, he wrote a b in the place of the d and then freaked out but I told him Santa would know exactly what he meant and not to worry). I would like four presents three for me and one for Jacob. I love you Noah John Mendoza.
---Then he dropped it in the mail slot they provided with a big smile on his face.
Let me tell you, the first letter was I would like seven presents see pictures on the back and then I pointed out he didn't ask for anything for Jaco so he wrote a new one and asked for five, three for him and two for Jaco. Then last night it went to four, three for him and one for Jaco. Gotta love it. (always with the pictures on the back line except for last night, no magazine to cut pictures out of at the mall ya know)
It's feeling more like Christmas for me and Ivan both. I can tell. However, the down side is that my mind is being flooded (again) with thoughts of Lucas. There is this song, I first heard Josh Groban sing it with Angie Stone, Mothers Prayer I think it is. I hear it time and again on the radio, hearing it a bit more now that it's Christmas. Thing is, when I hear it, it touches me, makes me think, feel, breathe, worry, miss Lucas. Celine Dion sings it. I've heard her sing with Andre' Bocheli (sp) I think. I heard her sing it again today on Oprah. It's a beautiful song. More than that, there's just tons of meaning in it for me. It's a mother talking to God to keep her child safe. Of course, I pray that for Noah and Jacob every night naturally. Given. But it's so much different when I pray for Lucas. There is so much faith yet so much unknown (therefore making the faith so much more important) and just so much yearning.
I said to Ivan the other day, "Imagine if all three boys were here--Noah and Lucas would be running around and Jacob would just be watching them." He stopped me and said (and I didn't like to hear it), "you know if Lucas had lived we might not have had Jacob. Remember we discussed that when Lucas was so sick, if he survived, we wouldn't have anymore children because we knew his life would be so challenged if he survived, it would be a hard life for both him and us" He was right. I remember us having that hard conversation when we were in Philly when Lucas was fighting the fight of his life. How hard and cruel and mean it is to to think that if Lucas had survived (which I wish with all I have) that Jacob the sweetest, happiest, most alert little baby would likely not be here. Isn't life just a kick in the behind? I mean, it's just so in your face. It can't be ignored, all the ironies and all the what ifs, they all come full circle. To one place. Do I think Lucas would want me to be crying now? No. Do I think he wants me to be sad forever and always to pay tribute and homage to his memory? No. I can be driving down the road thinking about work or something totally random and he flits through my mind like I have no control. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love that. Reminders, thoughts, memories, some good some horrible but nonethless, I cannot forget him. But it literally seems out of my control. How he visits me both in symbolism and in memory...... oh how did I get on this subject? Am I really typing all this? I am aren't I? It runs through my head so it comes out here. Sorry.
ALL my boys. Whether they were meant to be here together or not, it has clearly come to pass that they were not. Why do I keep torturing myself about it all? Lucas was peaceful. Truly he was. He was strong and peaceful and he had a story to tell. Maybe the reason I cannot let go of him is becauase I need to keep telling his story so he will not be forgotten.
Change of subject-Santa has visited our house to check on Noah's behavior. He left a note for Noah. Noah is all about it. I am savoring these moments. They really are the times of our lives; all of us. Jacob, so little and sweet and innocent watching it all silently except for his wonderful screeches and giggles (and the latest "Ohhhh" over and over again) and Lucas watching down on us all to make sure we are safe. While it's not fully complete, it's the closest it'll ever be. Go figure. Doesn't make sense to me and I'm sure it doesn't make sense to you but it is what it is and you know, someone isn't going to come and waive a magic wand for us now are they? Nope.
--J
Friday, December 09, 2005
Spread Your Wings and Fly...
-Do something you've never done before (or at least dare to dream it)
-Change your life in a small way (and really DO it)
-Smile at someone who has a scowl on their face (this will make you feel better; I promise, I do it all the time. It might piss them off but you'll feel loads better :))
-Say Merry Christmas to someone who doesn't expect it (who cares if they don't celebrate Christmas... I mean I care but it's the gesture right?)
I have more thoughts but Jaco is getting upset in his crib. Time for bed and man he's fighting it.
Spread your wings and let the new year coming up be a different one. In some small way. It can happen. For me, it'll be many things (including weight). Something good WILL happen for you this year, I promise. You know who you are. I'm talking to you. Mark the calendar. Mark the date. Write it down. Actually write this, "Jenn said this year something good will happen". We'll look back this time next year and I'll say, I told you so. Have faith. None of it makes sense now but it will. I don't even know how. I just know it will. Kay?
Spread them. Go on. Fly. BTW I'm proud of you. You took a leap or two this year and you probably don't even realize it. ---- I saw it, I realize it. Do you?
Love you.
Jenn
-Change your life in a small way (and really DO it)
-Smile at someone who has a scowl on their face (this will make you feel better; I promise, I do it all the time. It might piss them off but you'll feel loads better :))
-Say Merry Christmas to someone who doesn't expect it (who cares if they don't celebrate Christmas... I mean I care but it's the gesture right?)
I have more thoughts but Jaco is getting upset in his crib. Time for bed and man he's fighting it.
Spread your wings and let the new year coming up be a different one. In some small way. It can happen. For me, it'll be many things (including weight). Something good WILL happen for you this year, I promise. You know who you are. I'm talking to you. Mark the calendar. Mark the date. Write it down. Actually write this, "Jenn said this year something good will happen". We'll look back this time next year and I'll say, I told you so. Have faith. None of it makes sense now but it will. I don't even know how. I just know it will. Kay?
Spread them. Go on. Fly. BTW I'm proud of you. You took a leap or two this year and you probably don't even realize it. ---- I saw it, I realize it. Do you?
Love you.
Jenn
Darn Funny
My mom and I went to the Yankee Candle Factory today. It's new in Williamsburg. We took Jacob. Just a quick trip. On the way home, we stopped at Carters in the Outlet Mall. I needed to get something for a little baby for Christmas. I get out of the van in my smart, sassy, fur trimmed clogs. I take one step up the curb and literally, from the left most side of the van (which I just got out) all the way to the right most side of the van, I almost fell. Imagine this. My arms flailing like a bird. My body almost falling to the pavement, riding low like a single engine plane dropping water to the fields below. My feet gliding like ice skates (my mother says) along the sidewalk. My mouth in a big circle shape like "woowhowoooooowowowooooooo" wait, there's more flailing and flapping like a bird to keep my balance and E V E R Y T H I N G was goooooooiinnnnggggg innnnnnn ssssssssssslllllllllllllllooooooooowwwwwwwww
motion like my life was flashing literally before my eyes.
I never fell...... that's the most hilarious part of all......I never hit the pavement. I kept my balance, I don't know how but I hear this voice in my head (really it was the man on the bench behind me) "Are you ok (with an echooooo)?" I began to laugh. It was a deep very deep laugh. I look at my mother in the passenger side of the car (stayed in the car with Jacob) and her mouth is hanging open at first then she breaks into a big laugh. I laughed a deep long laugh. I laughed so hard, I couldn't stop. From one side of the van to the other. I almost don't remember it but I do remember it. I held on to the rear view mirror and laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm sure people around me thought I was NUTTY. gone. Fruitcake. My sides were hurting, my ankle was hurting, I couldn't stop laughing, my mother, who knows, I'm sure it was hilarious to see.
ah. the little things. If you could hear my voice, it'd be funnier. I deliver a funny story. let me tell you.
when I got into Carter's, I'd been in there about 3-4 minutes and even though I had calmed and come inside the store, I suddenly burst into laughter all over again. All by myself, laughing in the store with tons of people all around me. Thinking I was nuts, gone, lost it, not right, loo loo. Then that thought made me laugh harder. I just had to gather the things I needed and get OUT OF THERE. I got back in the car and off we went.
What a good laugh. Sure glad I didn't fall. That would have been even FUNNIER. :)
--J
motion like my life was flashing literally before my eyes.
I never fell...... that's the most hilarious part of all......I never hit the pavement. I kept my balance, I don't know how but I hear this voice in my head (really it was the man on the bench behind me) "Are you ok (with an echooooo)?" I began to laugh. It was a deep very deep laugh. I look at my mother in the passenger side of the car (stayed in the car with Jacob) and her mouth is hanging open at first then she breaks into a big laugh. I laughed a deep long laugh. I laughed so hard, I couldn't stop. From one side of the van to the other. I almost don't remember it but I do remember it. I held on to the rear view mirror and laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm sure people around me thought I was NUTTY. gone. Fruitcake. My sides were hurting, my ankle was hurting, I couldn't stop laughing, my mother, who knows, I'm sure it was hilarious to see.
ah. the little things. If you could hear my voice, it'd be funnier. I deliver a funny story. let me tell you.
when I got into Carter's, I'd been in there about 3-4 minutes and even though I had calmed and come inside the store, I suddenly burst into laughter all over again. All by myself, laughing in the store with tons of people all around me. Thinking I was nuts, gone, lost it, not right, loo loo. Then that thought made me laugh harder. I just had to gather the things I needed and get OUT OF THERE. I got back in the car and off we went.
What a good laugh. Sure glad I didn't fall. That would have been even FUNNIER. :)
--J
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
It is done...
And here comes the Winter......lets see.....snow on Friday and we're off and running on the East Coast. Here is a picture of the little tree in our front yard. It's leaves are gone, it is done. A symbol of continual change.
The baby is sick. I am feeling sick slightly maybe we're passing it back and forth. It doesn't feel like a 'cold' but it's there. Poor Jaco....he just can't get better. All the focus goes to him. It sure does. Just want him to be better. I guess when they are little like this, and they get exposed to any little thing, that's it, it's over. He has an ear infection, been taking medicine for that too.
Am making cookies tonight. I let Noah try one. He looked me dead in the face. He didn't smile. He just chewed. Then he said, "they're wonderful" but he took the unbitten part and handed it back to me. Uh huh. I guess they suck. I'm not a good baker! What to do! I have a cookie exchange coming up! I'm getting panic stricken. My son did not even want to finish the cookie I gave him. I think they tasted like flour. :( I went back and read the the recipe. I did everything perfectly, yet they came out like "flour cookies."
One day......
The baby is sick. I am feeling sick slightly maybe we're passing it back and forth. It doesn't feel like a 'cold' but it's there. Poor Jaco....he just can't get better. All the focus goes to him. It sure does. Just want him to be better. I guess when they are little like this, and they get exposed to any little thing, that's it, it's over. He has an ear infection, been taking medicine for that too.
Am making cookies tonight. I let Noah try one. He looked me dead in the face. He didn't smile. He just chewed. Then he said, "they're wonderful" but he took the unbitten part and handed it back to me. Uh huh. I guess they suck. I'm not a good baker! What to do! I have a cookie exchange coming up! I'm getting panic stricken. My son did not even want to finish the cookie I gave him. I think they tasted like flour. :( I went back and read the the recipe. I did everything perfectly, yet they came out like "flour cookies."
One day......
Friday, December 02, 2005
So kind of.....here's the THING
I am doing well overall I think with Weight Watchers. Sometimes I want what I normally would have had before and I just figure it into the points of my day. Not that it's a great choice, but I do make it work.
SO I'm at ChickFilA today and I'm waiting for our lunch. I order what I normally love to eat. The woman behind me comes up and orders a SIDE SALAD and a DIET LEMONADE. She was a size one I think. Do they MAKE diet lemonade? For REAL? I look at her and God forgive me, I roll my eyes. I'm thinkin, honey you NEED to get a regular lemonade for God's sake. Put some meat on those bones. I'm talking, she was skinny, but kind of had a figure. I wouldn't say she was a bean pole but CLEARLY too skinny. CLEARLY. And the guy that was with her, well, he was a normal size. Normal. Not big, not small but compared to her, well, he looked bigger cause she was so freakin SMALL.
So here's the thing..... I'm never ever ever gonna be like that. You could wire my mouth shut for ten months, and when it got unwired, I'd go straight to ChickFilA or Applebees or something like that. Try and stop me, go ahead. Somehow, I'm wired to want that kind of food. Can someone UNwire me? I don't think so. Nope. I don't.
Love me the way I am or keep on movin. That's the thing. And boy. Did I love that sandwich or what? Yeah, I pretty much loved it. :)
Jenn
SO I'm at ChickFilA today and I'm waiting for our lunch. I order what I normally love to eat. The woman behind me comes up and orders a SIDE SALAD and a DIET LEMONADE. She was a size one I think. Do they MAKE diet lemonade? For REAL? I look at her and God forgive me, I roll my eyes. I'm thinkin, honey you NEED to get a regular lemonade for God's sake. Put some meat on those bones. I'm talking, she was skinny, but kind of had a figure. I wouldn't say she was a bean pole but CLEARLY too skinny. CLEARLY. And the guy that was with her, well, he was a normal size. Normal. Not big, not small but compared to her, well, he looked bigger cause she was so freakin SMALL.
So here's the thing..... I'm never ever ever gonna be like that. You could wire my mouth shut for ten months, and when it got unwired, I'd go straight to ChickFilA or Applebees or something like that. Try and stop me, go ahead. Somehow, I'm wired to want that kind of food. Can someone UNwire me? I don't think so. Nope. I don't.
Love me the way I am or keep on movin. That's the thing. And boy. Did I love that sandwich or what? Yeah, I pretty much loved it. :)
Jenn
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Fall is 'leaving' us..
I walked out my front door two days ago and for some reason, really soaked in the little tree near our sidewalk/front area. It was suddenly beautiful. I realized that lots of the leaves have fallen but the COLOR of the tree was WOW to me. So I took a pic. You know I did right?
So Fall is leaving us and Winter is coming full force. It's COLD!
Someone said to me today that our summer was so hot, it will mean we'll have a brutal, snowy Winter. :) I personally love that. However, it means school outages and power outages and driving on crazy ice with crazy people. Maybe just one to two really beautiful snows and it'll be all good.
Just wanted to share the pretty little tree picture and what it means.....
--J
Mermaids
Betcha didn't know I loved mermaids. Certain kinds. Yes and obviously, I'm picky about my mermaids and which I like. There is a certain artist here locally who makes and paints them and they are all over the city. I sometimes bring my camera when I'm over there just to take pictures. I have two framed and three unframed. I went to her website last Christmas and paid WAY too much for a very small but beautiful mermaid ornament to hang on our tree. LOVE IT. It's one of my prized ornaments, I betcha didn't know. Did ya?
Here's the bigger question: Why the HECK am I up so freakin' late? Why can't I sleep? Why do I keep dreaming (three times in a row thankyouverymuch) that I am pregnant? It's making me think in my concious stream of thinking that I AM pregnant and let me tell you, let me JUST tell you, I am SO not pregnant and SO don't want to be ever again. Here me God? Kay. Just checkin. So lets just go ahead and stop with the dreams. Kay? Today someone at work said several times, "you look so different, what is it? Is it your hair, what is it?" to which the final time she said it, I almost said, "well of course, silly, I'm pregnant!" (insert car screeching sound right here) HUH? I'm freakin' insane! I am NOT pregnant but I now have myself thinking I am. Please someone help me, I can no longer discern fact from dream. It's gonna be a long day. I need to get my butt to sleep. It's already 4:30 am. nigh nigh.
--J
Here's the bigger question: Why the HECK am I up so freakin' late? Why can't I sleep? Why do I keep dreaming (three times in a row thankyouverymuch) that I am pregnant? It's making me think in my concious stream of thinking that I AM pregnant and let me tell you, let me JUST tell you, I am SO not pregnant and SO don't want to be ever again. Here me God? Kay. Just checkin. So lets just go ahead and stop with the dreams. Kay? Today someone at work said several times, "you look so different, what is it? Is it your hair, what is it?" to which the final time she said it, I almost said, "well of course, silly, I'm pregnant!" (insert car screeching sound right here) HUH? I'm freakin' insane! I am NOT pregnant but I now have myself thinking I am. Please someone help me, I can no longer discern fact from dream. It's gonna be a long day. I need to get my butt to sleep. It's already 4:30 am. nigh nigh.
--J
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