Dang it!

For whatever reason, I cannot post pictures here anymore. It's ticking me off. I have tried and tried and tried. I think it's this POS computer. POS.

Blahst. I wanted to show you the latest picture of Jacob. Can't do it. Unless I do it from a laptop. But then it's hecka complicated; gotta save the pix to a disk blah blah blah. Don't have the time.

POS.

--J

ps it feels like 10:18 not 9:18. I get to hear that for the next week; compliments of my husband. oy.

Protect your Children

http://www2.oprah.com/presents/2005/predator/safety/safety_informed.jhtml

Go here. Be informed. Protect your children. Do it now. You no longer have any excuses.

Find the link familywatchdog.us and go there. Know who lives near you. I'm doing it now.

Especially since Halloween is right around the corner. I have more thoughts on this; just no time to write them. Maybe I'll see you earlier tomorrow morning after Jake takes his bottle! :)

Jenn

Back to work

So I go back to work in less than three weeks now. I'm very torn about it all. I know I need to go back (we do have bills yes we do and we do need to save money yes we do) but I really want to be home with Jacob. Who am I complaining? I will only be working 2-3 days a week but still..I'm torn. He's such a sweet little boy. A really good baby (who won't take a good nap during the day unless I'm holding him but whatever) with a good disposition; so alert and happy.

Maybe we'll hit the lotto or something. It'd be good if we PLAYED the lotto first right? Ya have to play to win? You can't win unless you don't play. Kinda like some other philosophies I've recently been talking about. Funny how it all links together.

I can feel I'm about to start rambling and I should be in bed asleep. I'll go now. Just worried about things to come--talking out loud. ugh.

Jenn

So much to TELL

First--
Jake slept through the entire night last night. Today he is eleven weeks old and so he slept through the night on the eve of that. Big Boy! Now lets hope that my knocking on wood will save me from having jinxed myself. :) So Yahoo to that!
Second--
I am fighting fighting fighting the urge to eat a fast food meal. If it's this hard at the start....what to do? I've fought it two days now. I've beaten the urges so maybe they'll go away. Yeah? I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I CAN do it.
Third--
Noah's gonna be The Batman for Halloween. I have to fix his ears. They flop down. What to do? I can always paint popsicle sticks black and glue them to the ears so they blend in. Seems stupid. I have a feeling this is going to turn into some kind of crazy fiasco. I better think of a fix quick. Noah took one look in the mirror and said, "Why do the ears keep going down?" He'd have to notice right? I was hoping he wouldn't notice. Kids are too smart. Dang it.

Ok really nothing to tell just lots on my mind and Jacob is awake now. What was that? A twenty minute nap? Stinker. Must run.

Jenn

Pain

Many of my revalations come from simple things. A simple statement. A simple observance. Something simple. I saw a woman on Oprah who is bascially grieving about the loss of her husband; he died in the 9-11 attacks. She's dealing with it in extravagant ways by spending money etc etc. In this discussion, someone said (I can't recall who), "You can't walk around pain, you have to walk through it." Really? Yes! It's true. There is NO way to avoid it. If you are in pain for some reason, whether it's grieving or the loss of a job or you are in debt or whatever it is. Just whatever it is......you can't ignore it. I can't ignore it. For me, it's having lost Lucas. Oh my God, yes. I live this life. I have had another child whom I absolutely ADORE. I am active, I go and I do. Sometimes too much. But I still carry this invisible box. It's full of pain. Some days it's heavier. We all know this. I have hashed it and re hashed it. To sickening lengths. But what a thought. I can't ignore the pain? Really? I think when I take a step back, I have tried not to ignore it. I have written my thoughts ad nauseum about how I have coped and cried and tried to stay the course. All in the name of grieving. I hate that word. HATE it. You have to be present and accountable for and you must walk through the pain. You have to feel it in order to get through it no? What a revelation. I have tried. I have made strides. I have moved forward physically by all appearances. When I wanted to curl up and scream, I usually didn't. Notice the word usually.

I know someone who didn't though. ........ My husband.

We have some trying times ahead and I'm in it with him for the long haul. I am here for you baby. All the way. The road is not fun. You dealt with it your way and I mine. But your way, well, I cannot judge you, and I won't, but my opinion is, you have a lot yet to deal with. I think you have tried to walk around it. I'll walk through it with you. You'll need a friend.

--J

Weight Watchers

So. It's done. I've joined. That little bit of chatter I did about 4 weeks ago about 'thinking' about it? I was thinking pretty hard behind the scenes. I enjoy food too much but I guess that's a different story. Clearly I'm getting something out of eating that way. When I'm angry, I eat, just go over to that closet over there that THREE people could stand in for God's sake (in other words, plenty of room for me to stand in there and just put food in my mouth with no fear of being seen etc). When I'm sad, I definitely eat. When I'm stressed out, if I have time, I EAT.

Time to keep eating but eating more healthily. It won't happen over night. But it will happen. I'm still trying to understand some of the fundamentals behind it but went to my first meeting yesterday.

We'll see what happens. I want to be around for these boys so it's worth it. I still love fast food. Unless they destroy all Mc'Ds and Chickfila's, that will always stay the same. I can eat that but it just takes MORE POINTS. I'll figure it out.

On the road to ...... we'll see dom.


Jenn

Here is what I want to say..

So much to say. I want to just blurt it all out but it will hurt some. I'll hold it in. Life is like that isn't it? Don't step on toes. Nope. It's better to say nice things or don't say them at all.

Yes. I'll follow that credo.

How long will it last?

--J

Desparate Housewives

The 'moms' in my new neighborhood seem so nice yet it also seems that on a dime, they might turn quite wicked. I see them every morning at the bustop and they chat chat chat. I chime in now and again and they all say hello, good morning etc but we are new. I'm not let in the cirlce and really, I don't want to be. Is that rude of me? Probably. I don't want to be rude but I have far too much to do, way too much on my plate, to be sucked into any 'stuff''. I got invited to a Southern Living party (sorry Jen if you are reading) and went on. Thought it would be nice to attend even though I knew I was going to be late due to Noah's soccer game. I walked in and thank goodness, an old aquaintance (or friend used loosely) was there. But for the rest, I got a very Desparate Housewife vibe in that house. Very.

No shenanigans for me thankyouverymuch. No men in the basement. No handsome lawn boys round here. There is an Edie in the neighborhood though....hmm

I'll just watch it on TV and leave the rest to the girls. No need for extra drama in my life. My life is desparate housewifeless and that suits me just fine. Call me anti social, call me what you will. It's all good.

--J

Happy Birthday Val!

You are 21! This means I am 35! OMG!

Enjoy your day; live it up BUT NOT TOO MUCH. I can't remember what I did the day I turned 21. Must not have been anything terribly exciting as I cannot recall it. :)

I DO however remember what I did when I turned 18. Now THAT was a doozy. Sorry Ma! I called you on the phone to see if I could stay out longer and was drunk as I could be. I burped in your ear as Brantlee Campbell was egging me on. How in God's name I thought THAT behavior would garner me a later curfew, I'll never know. Oy.

Val, I suggest you not do that to mom (call her and burp in her ear). But do have fun and do be careful whenever you all celebrate your birthday up at school.

We love you!

Jenn

Friend

Come in, stay awhile, lets chat. This is what I wish I could say to my friend, Tammy. She's too far away.

She sent the most beautiful, thoughtful card in honor of Lucas' birthday. I got it today. Here is what it says.

__

Today is a very special day. You are in our thoughts, our prayers always. May all the butterflies in the world dance for Lucas.
__

Simple. Yet it brought tears to my eyes in a heartbeat. Not only is that a beautiful thought, I would LOVE for all the butterflys in the world to dance for him; what a sight that would be. Breathtaking. More than that, she just knows what to say.

May we all be lucky enough to have one true friend like her. We do not agree on everything; no not at all. And we are aware of that about each other, I believe. That is ok. It's SO ok.

Thank you Tammy. You are one of the few people who stopped to recognize the day and the meaning of the day regardless of how difficult the task. My mother did too. It's hard to know what to say on your end and it's hard to know what to say on my end. It's just hard. I'm struck by many things and I see so many things so differently, from a different perspective. I sometimes feel like I'm one hundred years old. I know too much and yet sometimes know nothing at all. Those moments pass and things normalize, the cycle continues; the cycle of grief.

This is how I've come to best express myself. In writing. If I had to say any of these things verbally, I'd be an emotional ball on the ground, unable to control or speak coherently. Writing is best, easiest for me.

I love the card and I love the words. I'll put in one of the shadow boxes I made for him. I will.

Jenn

Off Her Rocker

: Off her rocker
: She ain't right
: Not playing with a full deck
: Elevator does not go to the top floor
: She's a little coo coo in the kaa kaa


However you want to say it, you can say it. When I'm feeding Jacob, I make myself laugh, mostly in my head but sometimes I chuckle and my belly will rise and fall and I'm afraid I might wake him if he's dozed off. Why you say? Well, I think of the craziest things and you know, when you have time like that to really think, you do think of the darndest things. You just do. You've seen me here, ranting and raving at all hours of the night, saying the most "off her rockerest" things....

I will say though, that I miss my own belly laugh. I have a good one. It's the kind of laugh where I don't care who's listening and if something really tickles my funny bone at work and people around me hear that laugh, thier eyes get really big and that makes me laugh even harder. Not quite the most professional laugh. Is there a professional laugh? If there is, I'll never attain it. I'm not sure I even know where my belly laugh is these days, that's really my point. My sisters and I used to be together and just laugh at the most stupid things. The big laughs. The kind that "realign your intestines" as my sister Mindy says. Haven't had those in a long long time. I might let out a big 'guffaw' every now and then to something Noah says or does (**note the time in the Pediatrician's office about a month ago when he asked me what "sexy" meant with air quotations; that did make me laugh hysterically, probably nervous hysteria but nonetheless, hysteria). Other than that occasion, I think my belly laugh is gone.

Wonder if I'll ever find it again? It used to just come out with such ease over the smallest and silliest things. I'm too serious now. I guess, either you grow up and out of it or life just takes it away. In my case, I think it might be the latter.

I still think the craziest things. Catch ya next time I'm up at some crazy hour with my sweet Jacosaur. He really is so yummy to me. His cheeks are getting so plump and his voice, oh his voice. It's so Lucas like. It all just is.

See even that is a crazy thought. Loco en la cabeza. Si'.

---J

Tomorrow.

Maybe you know this.

Maybe you don't.

Tomorrow is Lucas' birthday. So I just got in from getting flowers for his grave. I hardly EVER EVER EVER go out at night. It has to be for some great thing or something I have literally run out of time for at the last last second. I don't like being out at night. Don't know why. But I had to go for the flowers; alone. Didn't want to bring Jacob, plus I feel like I'm always buckling him into the carseat to go go go. Not fair to him. But I really wanted to go alone. Time away. Time to think. Time to cry. I didn't cry. I felt it coming and pushed it away. I didn't want to break down. It's feeling heavy and really really low. I know when I cry, it's gonna be bad. The longer I keep it in the box, the better. Maybe not. I don't know.

I just want them all here together. Is that too much too ask? What mother wouldn't ask it? Name me one. It's too late, it's all done. Can't change a thing. Can't go back. Can't undo the hurt. Can't fix his little heart. Can't can't can't.

His little heart was broken and we couldn't fix it. No one can fix mine either.

--J

HOW?

I've written something about this before but this is a different twist.

HOW could I not know that my husband has a fascination with maps and geography? HMM? You tell me. I've known him for 15 years now and we've been married almost 11. That's not forever but it's a dang long time. Can someone please tell me? Suddenly this man is fixated on Earth Google. PLEASE someone shoot me. You fly like Harry Potter from one location to another. What's the big deal? Yes, it's neat. I'll give you that. But for me, I only need to see it once maybe twice and I'm done. He is looking up all these locations, the Superdome, DisneyWorld etc etc. Flying from one place to another and watching it all zoom by...

WHO introduced this to him? His friend from another office did. OY! So I ask him, "what ARE you doing? what ARE you looking at now?" he says to me the drop dead words....."I've always had a fascination with geopgraphy" HUH? REEEEEEEEEEEEEally I say......

Kay, just checkin' cause last I knew, ya didn't. But it's all good....whatever floats your boat. Just don't stay up all hours with Earth Google then play like you're so tired in the middle of the night when Jacosaur is hungry. Kay? Thankyouverymuch.

--Jenn

Blah Blah Blah

Words words words. They're all just words. Too many, too few, whatever.

Blah blah blah.

My days blend together for too much to do. Wonder woman. It gets tiring. It gets old.

So I wrote from beginning to end my first childrens book. I'm submitting it very soon.

Wish me luck. I will need it. But I like the book. I think it's smart and fun. I'm gonna test it on my Noah and Sydney (well she's not my Sydney but she is sort of in a wierd way, I'm her Auntie for Heaven's sake). See if they like it. I think they will. I won't tell them I wrote it. Nope. Just test it on them.

Jenn

Acronyms

PPS means Poor Parenting Skills (we say this every now and again when one of us does something really dumb with respect to the kids; My sister created this acronym I beleive)

-OR-

PPS could mean Perfect Parenting Skills (you have to be in the moment to just know which one it is. If you have a smile on your face, generally it means Perfect not Poor)

POS means peice of shit (like I yell at this computer almost every day of my life; a simple POS yelled out by me makes me feel loads better since I didn't actually say the cuss word)

POJ means peice of junk and that's when you're just trying to 'play nice' with whoever is around you.

You got any acronyms that you'd like to share? I feel sure I'm leaving one or two out. Yes, I believe I am. I'll add it later if I remember, I'm sure you'll be waiting on pins and needles to find out if I add more or not.

We give names to things or people we don't want Noah to know we are talking about. Like Myrtle and Marble --you know, stuff like that. Yeah, life around here is a funny zoo. Yepper.

--J

The start of a new day: Acronyms

The start of a new day: Acronyms

Drama.

There is always drama. At every turn, at every corner. Drama to the nth degree. It never ends. Just never does. It's this or it's that. It's that or it's this. Or it's something totally different. Life can't be this way can it?

I guess it can.

Jenn

God

I believe in the sun even when its not shining.
I believe in love even when I don't feel it.
I believe in God even when he is silent.

He is there. I trust in that. I pray when I'm afraid or need guidance. I thank Him when a good thing happens in my life. I yell at Him when I'm angry whether it's justified or not, I think that is normal and human. We aren't perfect, I'm not perfect. He doesn't expect us to be; He never did.

It helps. I'm not the perfect Catholic. Nope. Not even close. But He knows my heart. He knows where I am.

That's good enough for me. Lucas, you are in Perfect hands. That calms me when I feel myself getting worked up about you not being here. It soothes me to know you are alright with Him. If not me, if not home, here with me and the boys, then There is perfect. Just perfect.

When I'm feeling empty or lost or don't know what to do, I just know that. It helps make it better.

--J

Flight Plan

Went to see this movie with my two sisters. Actually, it was a fast dinner and a movie, fast and furious but it was nice to be out with them and it was nice for me to just be OUT. Heh. An apple martini would have made it perfect-o. :)

The movie was a bit unrealistic but still interesting enough (not downplaying that) to literally keep you on the edge of your seat/s. I don't know if I'd ever get on a plane that big. How do they FLY big planes like that? Well, I don't know if there is a plane in real life that is as big as that but I know there are some double decker kind of planes that one was multi leveled but just so HUGE. I'd think if we actually got up in the air in a plane like that we'd surely come crashing down immediately. How do planes fly anyway? Alright, so I admit, I'm super ignorant in the way of that kind of stuff but I have to also admit that whenever I go up in a plane (pre seeing this movie) I always wonder that; how ARE we flying really? Just way up in the sky, up in the air with NOTHING below us, no trampoline, nothing to catch us, just us up in the air. So I have this ritual I always do right before I get on a plane. I can't tell it to you or it won't be effective anymore. My secret. It's worked so far hence I sit here and type this garbled stuff from my brain. :)

So the movie, it's good. And the airline stewardesses are all up in the air (no pun intended) that this movie should be banned. Oh good Lord already, it wasn't that bad. I didn't walk away from that movie thinking 'oh those awful stewardesses, they stink, they're so mean'. I walked away thinking, "Wow, what a freak that character was and really that plot was a little unthinkable" Would that happen in real life? Eh, I don't know, hard to see that really happening but I will tell you, every step of the way, myself, my sisters, and the audience was litterally sitting at a hush riveted to the screen waiting for the next THING to happen. It was good in that way; and Jodie Foster, she is an incredible actress anyway. You just believe whatever role she is playing and in this case, a mom who has lost her child, she is like out of her mind in this movie.

What would YOU do if you lost your child? On a plane no less? Or in an airport with hundreds of people swirling all around you? I bet we'd all do what she did that's what. AND she just so happened to seem to know the plane like the back of her hand since she helped to develop it (that wouldn't be me) so she kind of had an upper hand. I pretty much know I'd do whatever the heck I'd have to do to get my child back. Been there in a different kind of way, done that. Well, yeah, totally different kind of way, but I was still fighting like hell for my child that I felt I had lost. Ok, yeah, nothing like it at all. Huge stretch. But it's still the loss of a child and the sheer panic that rips through you and makes you out of your mind crazy.

Go see it. It's really good. At the end of the movie, all of the audience was eerily quiet like a serious weird thing just happened. Hard to explain. You'll see.

I rate it a 4 out of 5 stars.

Jenn

Dr. Phil

It was like he was reading my mind. His show today was Mom's who do it all and Dad's who don't help. Now let me clear something up. I must now give some credit to my husband. The guys they showed really did nothing around the home. I have long thought Ivan could raise it up a notch in the helping department but it turns out, he does help much more than the average Dad and I guess it's high time I recognize that. Not saying it's perfect. No, not perfect but he does help.

Dr. Phil is so smart. He is right on it. How does he do that? How does he get in our minds and just know stuff? Hm. Witty, smart, funny, and a little bit handsome for an older guy (not OLD just older). I don't watch his shows every day; don't have time but when I do, man, I really walk away knowing more or having a different perspective on something I THOUGHT I knew. How is that? He just speaks to me. On my level; I get it. There is so much that he says where I just go, "YES YES YES you are so right!" And then there are things he says where I go, "oh yeah, I guess that's probably true, maybe I can change how I do that or say that etc etc". It's actually good TV. Am I brain washed? Hope not.

So, Ivan, I give you props, you deserve them, today's show opened my eyes. You are a wonderful father and husband and do pitch in. In my wired to the ceiling hopelessly tired wild eyed moments, I may not see it, may not realize it, but I do know. I know you are there. You may not be 'plugged in' all the time but you are there. For that I am grateful.

And to you Dr. Phil, thanks for making me see it. :)

J

UGH

I've been up for pretty much one hour and it's 5:55 am right now. I'm dressed and everything. Jacob was up; Ivan was up with him but he would not go back to sleep so I took him, Ivan wanted him back so I could get some sleep (thankyouverymuch) but he was too comfy on me and I knew if I passed him off, we'd both be up for God knows how much longer (cause really only God knows right) so I kept him on me which isn't the absolute MOST comfortable thing ever but hey, it'll work. In and out of dream sleep I went dreaming about the most unusual things. Some violent some not and seeing some old old friends and some very religious things happening, just dreams that did not make sense. It's no wonder I'm a wacked out girl cause what my mind is thinking subconciously is super scary. Even I don't know it. I guess that's why they call it subconcious--eh?

So Noah is getting his nose corrected for these ongoing nosebleeds which increase in frequency in Winter. That happens in like one hour. I'm delaying in waking him because I know he'll want to eat. He can't eat. Nope. The woman said he can't even brush his teeth. Nothing. Not even water. I guess they expect him to throw up; no? This promises to be a fun day. At least the anesthesia will smell like bubble gum. I'm not sure he'll like much else that happens to him. I'm nervous. After they put him to sleep they will put a not so nice shot in his nose and really super numb it and then do their thing. I don't like it but it has to be done. The other option breaks my heart way more. When I see his face panic stricken with , "mom, I have a nosebleed" for the thousandth time, it's awful. We all go into frozen time mode and everything kind of stops till it's under control or stops. Could be the middle of the night out of the blue or during the day out of the blue. No rhyme or reason. Kids have the darndest things. Is darndest really a word?

When will Jacob sleep through the night? Two of you want to throw stones at me right now and really, I'm ok with that. I just want to know when it's going to happen, you know, so I can prepare with a big party and whatnot. I want to be able to plan for that night. It'll be a huge party in my sleep mind you. You know, while I'm sleeping soundly through the night and all.

Must go wake the big boy. Let me tell you, he's growing growing growing. 70 pounds that boy is. Football is the way of the future for him I think. Rambling again. Nighty night for most of you.

--j